The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption | Paula Stone and Jonathan Williams

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Kaylie YE

Paula Stone Williams: So, I was the CEO of a large, religious nonprofit,

寶拉史東威廉斯：我曾是一間 大型宗教非營利組織的執行長，

spoke at some of the largest churches in America,

會在美國最大的一些教堂做演講，

was on television in 70 different markets,

在七十個不同市場上過電視，

but more than anything else,

但，我最想要的是，

I just wanted to be a good parent.

能夠當一個好父母。

I told all three of my children,

我告訴我的三個孩子：

"When the going gets tough,

「遇到艱困的狀況時，

you have to choose the road less traveled,

你得要選擇少有人走的路，

the narrow path."

狹窄的路。」

I had no idea how difficult that was going to become.

我完全不知道會變得多困難。

I knew from the time I was three or four years of age

在我三、四歲時，我就知道

that I was transgender.

我是個跨性別者。

I knew if I came out, I would lose everything.

我知道如果我出櫃， 就會失去一切。

But the call toward authenticity is sacred

但要我們追求真實的 呼喚是很神聖的，

and for the greater good,

這是為了大我，

and it asks you to trust that the truth not only sets you free,

你得要相信，真相 並不只會讓你自由，

it will set everyone free.

它會讓每個人自由。

I decided to stake my life on it.

我決定拿我的人生來賭一把。

So I came out.

所以我出櫃了。

Turns out, if you spend most of your life

結果發現，如果你人生中 大部分時間都在

working in the conservative religious world,

一個保守的宗教世界裡做事，

coming out as transgender is not all that great for your career.

出櫃承認自己是跨性別者 對你的職涯並沒有什麼好處。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Who knew?

誰會知道呢？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Within seven days, I lost every single one of my jobs.

在七天之內， 我失去了我所有的工作。

My family was supportive but struggling.

我的家人支持我， 但他們也很掙扎。

Most of my friends and coworkers had rejected me;

我大部分的朋友和同事都排拒我；

the rest were confused.

剩下的則是感到困惑。

One friend said, "You really messed with me."

有位朋友說： 「你真的惹毛我了。」

I said, "Yeah, well, get in line."

我說：「是啊， 請領取號碼牌排隊等候。」

They said, "You were my only example of an alpha male who was gentle."

他們說：「你是我所知道的 雄性領袖中唯一很溫柔的。」

And I thought, "Oh. You're right."

我心想：「喔，你是對的。」

I was an alpha male.

我是雄性領袖。

And I was gentle.

且我很溫柔。

And if it was hard for him,

如果對他來說很辛苦，

how much more difficult was it for my own son?

那對我自己的兒子會有多困難？

Jonathan Williams: Estrangement was not an option.

強納森威廉斯： 沒有「疏遠」這個選項。

It was Father's Day and my girls brought me craft beer

那天是父親節，我的女兒們 帶了精釀啤酒給我，

and a homemade jar of pickles, which, in my estimation,

還有一罐自製的 醃漬食品，依我估計，

is the perfect Father's Day gift.

這是完美的父親節禮物。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But the question remained:

但問題還是在：

Do I call my own father?

我要打給我的父親嗎？

To call him, and I continue down this spiral of denial,

我一直陷在這個否認的 旋渦中，是否要打給他，

pretending that my dad was still --

假裝我爸爸仍然是——

well, my dad.

嗯，我爸爸。

To not call was to acknowledge that everything had changed.

如果不打電話， 就是承認一切都改變了。

It meant that I was in for years of pain and mourning and sadness,

就意味著我多年來 在承受痛苦、悲傷、哀慟，

but ultimately, hope for reconciliation.

但，最終，希望能和解。

There's no playbook for when one's father of 30 plus years decides to transition

沒有劇本教我們，三十多年的爸爸

決定要轉性成女性時， 我們該怎麼應對。

to the female gender.

But my dad did teach me one thing.

但我爸爸確實教了我一件事。

He said the road to redemption always comes from choosing the narrow path.

他說，通往救贖之路總是 來自選擇比較狹窄的路。

And so I decided not to call that day,

所以我決定那天不要打電話，

and a few months later, Paula flew out and met me at a hotel in New York,

幾個月之後，寶拉坐飛機 到紐約的一間飯店

my wife and I.

和我跟我太太見面。

I knocked on the door, and this woman answered.

我敲了門，這位女子來應門。

It definitely wasn't my dad.

那肯定不是我爸爸。

"It's good to see you," she said.

她說：「見到你真好。」

It didn't sound like my dad, either.

聲音聽起來也不是我爸爸。

We went to lunch, and the waiter came to take our order.

我們去吃午餐， 服務生來幫我們點餐。

他說：「女士們先點。」 但這桌只有我太太一位女士，

He said, "Let's start with the ladies,"

but there was only one lady at the table and it was my wife,

且——喔，我的天， 這桌有兩位女士。

and -- oh my God, there are two women at the table.

我爸爸點了萵苣之類的東西，

And my dad ordered something like lettuce,

而我，我的盤子上有薯條。

and I was like, I have fries on my plate.

Did my dad like fries? I don't remember.

我爸爸喜歡薯條嗎？我不記得了。

I think he liked them.

我想他喜歡。

But she wasn't eating them.

但她並沒有吃薯條。

Here's this woman who knew everything about me,

這個女子知道我的一切，

and I knew nothing about her.

而我卻對她一無所知。

I don't even remember saying goodbye.

我甚至不記得我有沒有說再見。

PSW: All I could think about that day

寶：那天，我腦中只有一件事，

was that it was late September in New York,

那是紐約的九月底，

and I was wearing white jeans.

而我穿著白色的牛仔褲。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

You don't wear white after Labor Day in New York.

在紐約，在勞動節之後 就沒有人穿白色了。

There was a knock at the door,

有人在敲門，

and all I could think about was, here I stand in my wrong jeans.

我卻滿腦子都是我穿錯了 牛仔褲站在這裡。

And then I saw these big, blue eyes I love so much,

接著，我看到了 我心愛的藍色大眼睛，

and they were staring back at me in disbelief.

它們帶著懷疑的眼神盯著我看。

And I thought, "Oh, this is not going to be easy."

我心想：「喔， 這次會面肯定不會容易。」

When one person in a family transitions,

當家中有一個人變性，

the entire family transitions whether they want to or not.

整個家庭都會跟著變， 不論他們是否情願。

Now, for those on the fringes it was easy.

對於在兩端邊緣的人，這很容易。

The liberals said, "Oh, wonderful!

自由派說：「喔，太好了！

She's found her truth, how delightful."

她找到了真正的自己， 真令人高興。」

And the conservatives said, "That's messed up, I'm out of here."

保守派 說：「真是亂來， 我要閃人了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But for my family, neither extreme was going to work.

但，對我的家庭來說， 兩極端都行不通。

Their anger, their hurt,

他們的憤怒、他們的傷痛、

their love and loyalty --

他們的愛，和他們的忠誠——

all of it had to be brought on to the road of trials.

這一切都要通過試煉。

JW: Was it all a lie?

強：這全是謊言嗎？

Every game of catch in the front yard, the Mets season tickets --

我們每次在前院玩傳球， 大都會隊的球賽季票——

was that with my dad or was that with her?

那些事，我是和我爸爸 還是和她一起做的？

I remember this one time,

我記得有一次，

my dad took me on a bike ride through Heckscher Park

我爸爸帶我騎腳踏車穿過 赫克歇爾公園，去教我性教育。

to teach me about sex.

He explained the parts of the body that I now know he wished weren't hers.

他解釋身體的部位，我現在知道， 他真希望這些部位不是她的。

Had my father ever even existed?

我爸爸真的存在過嗎？

Now, grief --

悲痛——悲痛是沒有規則的。

grief is without rules.

Grief borrows your car without asking,

悲痛會不問就直接借走你的車，

wrecks it

把車撞壞，還不會道歉。

and then doesn't apologize.

And I was a wreck.

留我一團糟。

This was heavy.

這太沉重了。我縮了起來。

I retreated into myself.

I was angry.

我很憤怒。我感覺被背叛了。

I felt betrayed.

And I guess I should have known

當妳鼓勵我成為大都會 球迷時我就該知道，

by the fact that you encouraged me to be a Mets fan

妳是在幫我準備將來 要面對人生的大挫折。

that you were preparing me for life's really big disappointments.

(Laughter)

那是真的。（笑聲）

That's true.

And yet, there were the games of catch,

但，我們還是有玩傳球，

and there were the season tickets

還是有棒球賽的季票，

and bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches every Saturday

每個星期六還有培根、 蛋，和起士三明治，

from the best bagel place on Long Island.

來自長島最棒的貝果店。

My father lived this life he didn't want to live,

我爸爸過了這段 他不想要過的人生，

but he lived it so that I could have a dad.

但他這麼做了， 所以我才能有個爸爸。

I stopped wondering if my dad had ever existed.

我不再納悶我爸爸 是否曾經存在過。

He had existed -- willfully, consciously, intentionally --

他存在過——

蓄意地、有意識地、刻意地——

each and every day of my growing up.

存在於我成長過程中的每一天。

For that, I was thankful.

為此，我心存感激。

Paula's body was hers now and her transformation was complete,

現在，寶拉的身體是她的了， 她的轉化已經完成，

but my transformation was just beginning.

但我的轉化才剛剛開始。

I had another trial, another journey, another choice to heed my father's advice

我還有另一個試煉、 另一趟旅程、另一個選擇，

要聽從我爸爸的建議， 繼續走這條狹窄的路。

and continue down that narrow path.

PSW: So most days I believe there is a God.

寶：大部分的時候，我相信有神。

Tuesdays and Thursdays can be tough,

星期二和星期四可能很艱苦，

and any day that you're on the New Jersey Turnpike.

在新澤西州收費道路上的 任何日子也是。

I mean, really, you know?

真的，你們懂吧？（笑聲）

(Laughter)

It's hard to believe in God when your soul is in the wrong body.

當你的靈魂被放錯了身體， 就很難再相信神。

Still, somehow I ended up in ministry.

但，不知怎麼的， 我最後成了牧師。

When I lost all my jobs, it was nothing personal.

我失去了我所有的工作時， 那不是針對個人。

It's what religious tribes do.

宗教團體就是這樣的。

They believe an enemy is necessary for the tribe to survive,

他們相信，必須要有個敵人， 他們的團體才能生存，

so where no enemy exists,

所以在沒有敵人時，

they create one.

他們就會創造一個。

Right now, sexual minorities are the enemy;

現在，性別少數是敵人；

my departure was swift and sure.

我的離開是快速且肯定的。

I was surprised when my son left his job teaching in West Philadelphia

我很意外我兒子離開了 他在西費城的教職，

to go into the ministry.

而去當牧師，

I did not see that one coming.

我完全沒有料到。

And now I wondered:

我開始納悶：

What would he do?

他會怎麼做？

I didn't have to wait that long to find an answer.

我不用等那麼久，就找到了答案。

Six months after that first visit,

在第一次造訪後六個月，

he invited me back to New York.

他邀請我回去紐約。

JW: The designers of the Brooklyn Bridge,

強：布魯克林大橋的設計者，

they had their share of bad luck.

他們也有自己的厄運。

John Roebling, he died shortly after the bridge's construction began.

約翰羅布林在該橋的建設工程 開始後沒多久就過世了。

His son Washington took over,

他的兒子華盛頓接手， 卻飽受潛水夫病之苦。

but he suffered from decompression sickness.

His wife Emily became the surrogate executive engineer

他的太太艾蜜莉成為 代理執行工程師，

who oversaw the bridge's completion.

監督該橋完工。

Father and son,

父親和兒子，

John and Washington,

約翰和華盛頓，

done in by their work.

被他們的工作搞垮。

It was this sunny day in May

五月的一個晴天，

and my father and I sat in the shadow of that Brooklyn Bridge.

我爸爸和我坐在 布魯克林橋的蔽陰下。

Would our lives follow the Roeblings' --

我們的人生會步上 羅布林家的後塵嗎——

father and son, done in by our work?

父親和兒子，被我們的工作搞垮？

My father thought that her friends in church

我爸爸認為她在教堂的朋友

would carry her through her transition,

會在她轉化過程中支持她，

and they did not.

但他們並沒有。

They ditched her and they clung to me.

他們拋下她，他們纏著我。

I was the pastor of a new church in Brooklyn.

我是布魯克林一間 新教堂的本堂牧師。

This wonderful group of forward-thinking people,

這群美好的人，很有前瞻眼光，

and yet, we were financially tied to really conservative churches.

但，我們在財務上 被保守的教堂綁住。

To hold space for Paula meant jeopardizing our own church's livelihood.

若要為寶拉留個位置，就可能 危害到我們自己教堂的生計。

I sort of straddled the line between these warring worlds.

我有點像是跨立在兩個 誓不兩立的世界中間。

So I said to my dad,

所以，我對我爸爸說：「老爸， 我還在妳的舊世界中生活和工作。

"Dad, I still live and work in your old world.

Is it possible that you might extend an olive branch for my sake?"

妳有沒有可能為了我， 伸出和平的橄欖枝呢？」

And her response was impassioned.

她的回應很熱烈。

You said to me, "Do you have any idea what it feels like

妳對我說：「你知不知道 這是怎樣的感覺？

to finally show yourself to your true friends

終於能向你真正的 朋友展現你自己，

and have them completely reject you?

而他們完全排拒你？

To ask you to live a lie?

要求你活在謊言中？

Do you know what that feels like?"

你知道那是什麼樣的感覺嗎？」

And I didn't know what that felt like.

我不知道那是什麼樣的感覺。

But I knew I had a decision to make.

但我知道我有一個決定要做。

It was the decision to continue down that narrow path through nights,

這個決定就是要在天黑時 繼續走這條狹窄的路，

but for the first time,

但，第一次，

I caught a glimpse of light.

我看到了一絲光線。

I cannot ask my father to be anything other than her true self.

我不能要求我爸爸去做 她真實自我以外的人。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

PSW: So as we sat by the river that day,

寶：所以，那天， 當我們坐在河邊時，

Jonathan talked about his pain, his suffering, his grief, his confusion.

強納森談到他的痛苦、

他的苦難、他的悲傷、他的困惑。

He brought all of himself to that conversation,

他完全投入那次的對談，

and it tore at me

我的心都碎了，

to be the cause of such pain.

因為我是痛苦的成因。

But as he talked, there was something redemptive going on,

但在他談話時， 有種救贖正在發生，

full of tension but possibility,

充滿了壓力，但也是可能性，

grounded in that narrow path.

牢固地立基在那條狹窄的路上。

He said, "This is always going to be hard.

他說：「這永遠會很辛苦。

It always will be.

永遠都會。但，老爸，

But Dad,

I love you."

我愛妳。」

My son is the best of me and more.

我兒子是我最好的我，還要更多。

He's bold and strong,

他很大膽且強壯，

sensitive and thoughtful.

敏感且體貼。

I guess you could say,

我想，你們可以說，

he's an alpha male who's gentle.

他是個溫柔的雄性領袖。

JW: It was time for my daughters to meet their -- Paula.

強：該是時候了，該讓我的 女兒們見見她們的——寶拉。

We went back to my apartment,

我們回到我的公寓， 我的女兒們在餐桌上畫畫，

and my daughters were coloring at the dining room table,

當時有種尷尬的沉默。

and there was this awkward silence.

And finally, my youngest asked a single, confident question.

終於，我最小的女兒問了 一個很有自信的問題。

"So, Grandpa, do you have a penis?"

「所以，爺爺，你有雞雞嗎？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And after the tension abated and the laughter subsided,

在壓力減輕，笑聲消退之後，

my girls took their grandpa back into their room

我的女兒們帶爺爺去她們房間，

and showed her their new toys,

讓她看她們的新玩具， 還幫她取了個新教名。

and they christened her with a new name.

They called her "GrandPaula."

她們叫她「大寶拉」 （音近「爺爺」）。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

PSW: So this past summer, I had all five of my granddaughters at my home,

寶：去年夏天， 五位孫女到我家來，

there in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains.

在洛磯山脈的丘陵中。

We went swimming in the cool waters of the river

有條河流過我們的小鎮， 我們去清涼的河水裡游泳。

that flows through our little town.

And one day, one of Jonathan's girls said to me,

有一天，強納森的 一個女兒對我說：

"GrandPaula, can we go tubing on the river?"

「大寶拉，我們能不能 坐內胎順流而下？」

And I said, "Well, you know,

我說：「嗯，妳知道的， 我得要等妳爸爸來才行。

I'd really wait until your daddy gets here for that.

That feels to me like that ought to be his call."

我覺得這應該是由他來決定。」

And she said, "Oh, but GrandPaula,

她說：「喔，但，大寶拉，

he'll exactly make the same decision you would.

他一定會跟妳做一樣的決定。

He's a lot like you, you know."

他很像妳，妳知道的。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I thought, yeah, he is a lot like me,

我心想，是啊，他很像我，

both of us determined to find the narrow path

我們兩人都很堅決 要找到狹窄的路，

and follow it through the long, dark night,

即使在漫長的黑夜 也還是要走下去，

all the way to the light of dawn.

一路走到黎明的曙光。

JW: Have you ever noticed that a child who is secure,

強：你們有沒有注意過 無憂慮的孩子，

a child who knows love,

知道愛的孩子，會跳舞的孩子？

that child will dance?

They wave their arms,

他們會揮動他們的手臂，

they kick their legs to music that only they can hear.

跟著只有他們能聽見的 音樂踢他們的腳。

It's the music of a child who is safe and unharmed

這是一個有安全感、未受傷害，

and wholly loved.

且全心被愛的孩子的音樂。

The day after my children met their GrandPaula,

在我的孩子們見到大寶拉的那天 之後，她帶她們去買甜甜圈，

she took them to go get doughnuts,

and I watched as they walked down the street,

我看著她們沿著街道走， 我的女兒們拉著我爸爸的手臂，

and my girls took my father's arms,

and they danced.

她們在跳舞。

My father's arms swung wildly.

我爸爸的手臂大大地揮舞著。

You bought them one too many doughnuts, because you always do --

妳幫他們多買了一個甜甜圈， 因為妳總是會這麼做——（笑聲）

(Laughter)

我看著我的大女兒咬一口甜甜圈，

I watched my older daughter take a bite of her doughnut,

她做出了兩個跳躍和一個旋轉。

and she unleashed two jumps and a twirl.

It was perfect.

很完美。

That narrow path,

那條狹窄的路，

it always has its share of burdens and challenges.

它總是會附有重擔和挑戰。

But I was certain that we were going to see this through to redemption.

但我很肯定，我們會 度過它，走向救贖。

I looked at my dad

我看向我爸爸，我看著我的女兒們

and I looked at my girls who were dancing and eating their doughnuts,

跳舞、吃甜甜圈，

and I said aloud to no one in particular,

沒有特別對著誰，但我大聲說：

I said, "This ...

我說：「這……

this is how God sees my dad."

這就是神眼中我爸爸的樣子。」

My father was literally born again.

我爸爸真的重生了。

And by choosing the narrow path of redemption,

我選擇了走上狹窄的救贖之路，

I was born again with her.

所以我也與她一同重生了。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause and cheers)

（掌聲及歡呼）