5 Parenting Tips for Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant Kids | Tameka Montgomery | TED

翻译人员: Kary Du 校对人员: Grace Man

How do we raise self-reliant kids

我们如何培养独立、

who have initiative, who are resilient,

主动、坚韧、

and who could be problem solvers?

能解决问题的孩子？

Kids who have the skills and the courage to step outside of their comfort zone

这样的孩子拥有 踏出舒适圈的能力和勇气，

and take advantage of what life has to offer.

能够利用命运给予的一切。

I'm a mom to these three boys.

我是这三个男孩的母亲。

And if you're a parent like me,

而如果你和我一样为人父母，

you've probably asked yourself those very same questions.

你可能也曾问过自己同样的问题。

And while I'm sure that every caring parent

虽然我非常确定， 每一个关心孩子的父母

wants those same things for their children,

都想让孩子成为这样的人，

I think we're going about it the wrong way.

但我觉得我们用错了方式。

We want our kids to be happy and successful.

我们想让孩子获得幸福和成功。

So our instinct is to shield them from hurt and disappointment.

所以我们本能地想去保护孩子， 不受伤害，没有挫折。

We worry about their self-esteem, so we praise them for everything.

我们担心孩子的自尊受伤， 所以我们表扬他们所做的一切。

We are concerned about whether or not they fit in,

我们关心孩子是否合群，

so we indulge them.

所以我们纵容他们。

And we don't want them to fail,

我们不想孩子失败，

so we step in and take over.

所以我们介入并接管他们的事情。

And we do all of this in an attempt to curate a perfect life for them.

我们所做的一切都是想让他们 拥有完美的人生。

But what we're really doing

但实际上，

is raising kids who are afraid to take risks

我们培养的孩子害怕冒险，

because they fear failure;

因为他们畏惧失败；

kids who lack the confidence in their ability to figure things out;

他们对自己 解决问题的能力没有信心；

and then young people who are afraid to launch into adulthood.

最后变成了害怕 进入成年世界的年轻人。

More young adults are living at home and for longer stretches.

越来越多的年轻人住在家里， 时间也越来越长。

And this was occurring even before the pandemic.

而这种情况甚至在疫情前 就已经发生了。

A Pew Research study found that 52 percent of young adults

皮尤研究中心的一项研究显示，

are living at home,

52% 的年轻人仍住在家里，

which is the highest percentage since the Great Depression.

这是自大萧条以来最高的比例。

And what we're finding is that young adults are stuck

我们发现，年轻人被困在

between adolescence and adulthood.

青春期和成年期之间。

And that's the generation of people that we're raising.

而这就是我们培养出来的一代人。

And in fact,

事实上，

we hear this in the language that young adults even use

当他们不得不像个 负责任的成年人一样做出决定时，

when they have to make responsible adult decisions.

我们甚至能在 年轻人的用词中听到这一点。

There's a term for it.

有一个专门的词。

Who knows what that is?

有谁知道是什么吗？

Adulting, yes.

“做大人该做的事情”，没错。

The practice of behaving

像一个负责任的成年人一样

in a characteristic of a responsible adult.

行为处事。

So I am convinced that as parents and caregivers,

所以我坚信作为家长和看护人，

we are missing out on a great opportunity

我们正在错过一个绝佳的机会，

to raise kids who are resilient

去将我们的孩子培养得更坚韧，

and can take hold of their future,

能够对自己的未来负责，

kids who can step outside of their comfort zone

能踏出舒适区，

and do amazing things.

并做出惊人的成就。

Now, these are skills that are necessary

这些技能的必要性不只在于

not only for them to lead fulfilling lives and live out their potential,

让他们能过上充实的生活， 发挥他们的潜力。

but those are skills that are also necessary

对于这个不断变化的世界，

for our changing world.

这些技能同样也是不可或缺的。

So back to my original question.

所以回到我最开始的问题。

How do we raise self-reliant kids who have initiative,

我们如何培养独立自主、

are resilient and can be problem solvers?

坚韧不拔、能解决问题的孩子呢？

I believe we do that by raising kids

我认为，我们要培养孩子

who can think and act entrepreneurially.

用企业家的方式思考和行动。

Kids who have the opportunity or have the skill set

让孩子有机会或有能力

to view the world from an entrepreneurial mindset.

以一个企业家的思维模式 去看待世界。

So let me tell you how I came to this conclusion.

我跟你们说一下 我是怎么得出这个结论的。

So for more than 20 years,

20 多年来，

my work was centered around supporting adult entrepreneurs.

我的工作都是围绕着 为成年企业家提供支持，

Providing them with training and technical assistance

为他们提供培训和技术援助，

and resources to help them start and grow their businesses.

提供资源， 帮助他们创业并发展业务。

And something I would observe.

我观察到一件事，

We'd have two individuals come into our office seeking assistance.

有两个人到我们公司来寻求协助。

And on the surface,

表面上看，

it appeared that those individuals were at the same level

这两个人的水平看上去差不多，

in terms of resources, capabilities,

包括资源、能力、

skills and business acumen.

技巧和商业头脑。

But what we would find

但我们发现，

is that one individual would take that information

有一个人会获取信息，

and go with it,

并利用这些信息。

and then the other individual would just seem to have trouble

而另一个人，

really getting traction and getting going.

看上去缺乏动力，难以向前。

And what I realized was that it had nothing to do

我意识到，

这跟技巧和能力无关。

with skill or capability.

What it came down to was the mindset of that individual.

归根结底，是个人的思维模式。

And observing this got me thinking:

这个观察让我不禁思考：

How might I raise my children

我要如何培养我的孩子们，

such that they can view the world like an entrepreneur?

才能让他们像企业家一样看待事物？

That they would have the courage to step out

让他们有勇气站出来，

and to change the world with an entrepreneurial lens.

用企业家的眼光改变世界。

So that set us out,

所以我们开始了，

my husband and I,

我和我的丈夫，

on a 15-year journey to raise entrepreneurial kids.

开始一场为期 15 年的 企业家孩子培养之路。

And we really saw this come together

而我们真的看到了成果，

when my eldest son, Silas, was nine years old.

是我的大儿子塞勒斯(Silas) 在九岁的时候，

We had been living here in Maryland for about two years,

我们已经在马里兰州住了大概两年，

and my husband was planning to travel back to Colorado

我丈夫计划回一趟科罗拉多

to visit his mother.

探望他的母亲。

And so Silas asked me, he said, "Hey, mom,

塞勒斯就问我，他说：嘿，妈妈，

can me and my brothers also go with Dad to visit grandma?"

我和弟弟们 能跟爸爸一起去看奶奶吗？”

And I said, "Well, you know, Silas,

我说：“塞勒斯，你知道的，

four airline tickets were not in the budget,

四张机票可不在预算里，

but you can go

但如果你能买到你自己的机票，

if you can buy your own ticket."

那你就可以去。”

So he paused for a moment, and he said,

他停顿了一会，然后说，

"OK, well, how much are airline tickets?"

“好吧，那机票多少钱？”

And I said, "About 300 dollars."

我说：“大概三百美元。”

And so his next question, I have to say, it literally blew my mind.

他的下一个问题，不得不说， 实在是让我大吃一惊。

So he said, "OK.

他说：“好的。

Can I find free stuff on Craigslist and then resell it?"

我能在分类广告网站上 找免费的物品，再转卖掉它们吗？”

Yeah, I was like, "Yeah, you can."

我说：“你当然可以。”

And so then, over the course of that summer,

所以在那个夏天，

that's exactly what he did.

他就是这么做的。

You know, he would get online and research Craigslist.

他在分类广告网站上研究，

My husband would take him to go pick up those things,

我丈夫带他去取那些免费物品，

and then I would help him take pictures and post them online.

我再帮他给这些东西拍照， 并放到网上。

But then he also did some other things that summer, he hustled.

但他还做了别的事情， 他也叫卖东西。

So he baked and sold cookies.

他烤制并出售曲奇饼。

And then he also washed cars.

他还洗车。

And throughout that entire process,

在这整个过程中，

my husband and I, we guided him along.

我和我的丈夫会引导他。

We were there to coach and encourage him,

我们会指导并鼓励他，

but we allowed him to take the lead.

但我们让他来主导。

When it was time for him to make his sales pitch,

当他需要推销商品时，

you know, we coached him on how to make the pitch,

我们会指导他如何推销，

but when it was time to knock on the doors,

但真的到了要上门的时候，

he stood forward, and we stepped back.

他会走上前，而我们退到后面。

And that summer he raised the money.

那个夏天，他攒够了钱。

He earned the money to purchase his airline ticket.

他赚到了买机票的钱，

And he made a little bit more.

甚至还有剩余。

And he bought me a gift.

他给我买了个礼物。

But, you know, I'm like,

但你知道的，

I don't know really who he was thinking about

我不知道他买礼物的时候

when he bought that gift.

到底想着谁，

If it was, like, me or him, I don't know.

到底是想着我还是他自己。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But think about the confidence

但想想这个给他带来的自信，

that this put in him at nine years old.

在他还只有九岁的时候，

That he can have a big goal,

他知道他可以有一个很大的目标，

and that he could persevere to achieve that goal.

而他可以坚持并实现这个目标。

Amazing.

太棒了。

But when I share that story with other parents,

但当我和其他家长 分享这个故事的时候，

many of them shake their head and say, "You know what?

很多家长会摇头并说： “你知道吗?

My kid could never do that

我的小孩不可能做得到,

because my kids don't have the entrepreneurial gene."

因为我的孩子 没有成为企业家的天赋。”

Well, being entrepreneurial is not genetic.

成为企业家不是先天决定的。

It is a set of behaviors

只要有机会，

that can be learned when given the opportunity.

那成为企业家所需要的， 人人都可以学会。

Entrepreneurs are not born.

人不会生来就是企业家。

The skills and the experiences that cause a person to be entrepreneurial

成为企业家的技巧和经验

can be taught, and they can be nurtured.

是可以学习和培养的。

Now, raising entrepreneurial kids

培养有企业家精神的孩子

is more than just teaching them how to start a business

不仅仅是教他们如何创业，

so they can earn money.

教他们赚钱。

Raising entrepreneurial kids is really about preparing kids for life.

培养企业家精神 是在为孩子做好一辈子的准备。

Equipping them with everything that they need, with the confidence,

为他们配备好所需的一切， 包括自信、

with the ability to speak up,

敢于直言不讳、

to persevere, to have tenacity,

坚持不懈、顽强拼搏、

to bounce back from fear and rejection.

以及从恐惧和被拒绝中恢复的能力。

Those are the things that are required in our world to live to one's potential.

这些都是在当今世界 发挥个人潜能的必要条件。

So in order for me to learn as much as I could

所以为了尽可能地去学习

about raising entrepreneurial kids,

如何培养有企业家精神的孩子，

I interviewed dozens of parents and kids to find out what they were doing.

我采访了几十对父母和孩子 了解他们是怎么做的。

And so I want to share with you what I learned,

我想和你们分享我学到的东西，

and I want to share with you five strategies

分享我正在为我的孩子们做的

that I'm actually doing with my children

五大策略。

and that honestly,

实话说，

I think every parent should be doing with their children

我认为每个家长 都应该为孩子这么做

to disrupt our conventional way of parenting.

来打破我们传统的育儿方式。

So, number one,

第一条，

don't give them an allowance.

不要给他们零花钱。

(Applause)

（掌声）

That's what I'm talking about, too, yes.

没错，这是我要说的。

Don't give them an allowance.

不要给他们零花钱。

Instead, challenge them to start a business

相反，挑战他们， 让他们去创业

to earn their spending money.

赚自己要用的钱。

So this is my boys, and this is one of the ways

这是我的儿子们。

这是他们赚钱的其中一种方式——

that they've earned money,

their own spending money, is they make bracelets.

制作手镯。

And there is no better lesson around the value of a dollar

让孩子们明白 钱的价值的最好方式

than when you have to work hard to earn each one of them.

就是让他们知道 每一块钱都必须通过努力工作赚到。

And through this process,

在这个过程中，

our kids will learn confidence, financial literacy,

孩子会学到自信、金融知识、

public speaking, how to convince people,

公开演讲以及说服他人的能力，

all skills that are valuable for the world that we live in.

所有在这个世界上有用的技能。

So don't give them an allowance.

所以不要给他们零花钱。

The next thing is make them pay for their wants.

第二，让他们自己为 想要的东西付钱。

You know, key to entrepreneurship

企业家精神的关键

is about personal responsibility and ownership.

是责任意识和主人翁意识。

And it is amazing how,

很奇妙的是，

when you put the responsibility on someone else

当你将买某件东西的责任

to buy that thing that they said they really wanted,

转交给那个说非常想要的人。

kind of shifts a little bit, right?

责任人就发生了一点变化，对吧？

It really, really does.

确实是这样。

It's no different with the kids.

孩子们也是一样的。

And so we actually started this quite early with our children.

我们在相当早的时候 就开始这样对我们的孩子。

So when Silas was about four years old,

当塞勒斯四岁的时候，

I created “daddy dollars.”

我建立了 “老爸美元”。

(Laughter)

(笑声)

And the boys would earn daddy dollars for doing things such as chores,

孩子们通过做家务、

for exhibiting positive behavior and for also reading books.

积极表现、还有读书 来赚取老爸美元。

And Silas actually purchased his first bike

而塞勒斯真的用他赚到的老爸美元

from using daddy dollars.

买到了他的第一辆自行车。

He had to earn 250 daddy dollars,

他赚到了 250 老爸美元，

and that allowed him to purchase his first bike.

足以支付他的第一辆自行车。

Now, yeah, you know, these are not real dollars.

你们知道的， 那并不是真的钱。

But to Silas, that experience of working hard to earn that money

但对于塞勒斯来说， 努力赚钱的经历

and to buy that bike

和买下那辆自行车

was a very real experience for him.

对他来说都是非常真实的体验。

Also, in 2019, our family decided to take a trip to Tanzania.

同样的，在 2019 年， 我们一家决定去坦桑尼亚旅行。

And so, you know, the boys were really excited about it.

孩子们真的很兴奋。

And I said, "Now, if you want to go to Tanzania --

而我说：“好了， 如果你们想去坦桑尼亚——

your dad and I are going --

你们的爸爸和我会去——

but if you want to go to Tanzania, you know what you got to do?"

但如果你们也想去坦桑尼亚， 你们知道该怎么做吗？”

What do you think I told them?

你们觉得我是怎么跟他们说的？

They're going to have to buy their own airline ticket, yes.

他们得自己出钱 买自己的机票，没错。

Now, the tickets to Tanzania were not cheap.

去坦桑尼亚的机票可不便宜。

They were 900 dollars apiece.

一张要 900 美元。

Yeah.

没错。

But check this out.

但想想看。

This is what I just loved, was when I told the boys

我最喜欢的， 就是当我告诉孩子们，

that they were going to have to buy their own ticket,

他们要自己出钱买机票时，

Silas, remembering back to what he had done

塞勒斯想起了他之前

when he was about nine years old,

在 9 岁时做过的事，

he said to his brothers,

他跟他的弟弟们说，

"That's easy, don't worry about it.

“这很容易的，别担心。

I'll show you how to do it."

我来告诉你们怎么做。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Yes.

没错。

And sure enough,

确实，

they worked hard over several months, and they did just that.

他们努力干了几个月的活， 就做到了。

They were able to earn enough money

他们通过售卖 我之前给你们看的手镯

by selling their bracelets that I showed you earlier,

赚到了足够的钱，

and they all were able to go with their parents to Tanzania.

他们也能跟着父母 一起去坦桑尼亚了。

So I would encourage you to make your kids pay

所以我会鼓励你们去让孩子

for the things that they say they want.

为他们想要的东西付钱。

The next is to reduce their prosperity.

第三点，不要让他们拥有太多。

Now let's admit it,

我们必须承认，

kids today have a lot of stuff, right?

现在的孩子拥有 太多东西了，不是吗？

And when you think about it,

而你们再想一想，

I understand this need and this desire as parents

我理解为人父母的这种渴望，

to want to give our kids experiences and things

希望给予自己的孩子

that maybe we did not have when we were children.

我们做孩子时 没能拥有的东西和经历。

But when we choose a parenting style of overindulging our children

但当我们选了这种 过于溺爱孩子的育儿方式：

by providing them with too much, too soon, for too long,

给予得太多、太快， 持续的时间太长，

with no effort on their part,

而他们却不需要付出任何努力。

what we do is actually raise young people who are self-centered and entitled.

那我们只会培养出以自我为中心、 贪图享受的孩子。

And so when we, instead ...

反之，

In the [1800s],

在 [19] 世纪,

it's interesting because Frederick Douglass made a statement

弗雷德里克·道格拉斯 (Frederick Douglass)

提出了一个很有趣的观点,

that I thought was profound even in the [1800s],

我认为它现在仍然有深刻的意义，

because we're dealing with it today.

因为我们正在面对它。

And he said,

弗雷德里克·道格拉斯说，

"If you wish to make your son helpless,

“如果你想让你的孩子 失去自理能力，

you need not cripple him with a bullet or a bludgeon,

你不需要用子弹或棍棒让他瘫痪，

but simply place him beyond the reach of necessity

只需要给予他非必需品

and surround him with luxury and ease."

并将他置身于奢华和安逸中。”

Still true today.

这句话到如今仍然适用。

Steve Jobs in a graduation speech,

史蒂夫·乔布斯(Steve Jobs) 在一次毕业演讲中

told the graduates to stay hungry.

告诉那些毕业生们不要满足。

And what we love about entrepreneurs is their hustle.

我们喜欢企业家的奋斗精神。

And oftentimes that hustle is rooted in a hunger for something.

而奋斗通常是源自 对某样东西的渴望。

But if our kids never want for anything,

但如果我们的孩子 从来没有渴望过任何东西，

what's going to motivate them to take action?

那他们怎么会有动力去行动呢？

So I encourage you to reduce your kids' prosperity.

所以我鼓励你们， 减少孩子拥有的东西

Next is to let them be delight-directed.

第四，让他们以兴趣为导向。

Entrepreneurs are lifelong learners.

企业家们终身都在学习。

They learn to do, not simply to know.

他们学习怎么做， 而不仅只是简单了解。

And when we encourage our children to seek out learning

当我们鼓励孩子去学习

for the things that they are most interested in,

他们最感兴趣的东西时，

they become learners who seek to learn to do

他们就会主动学习如何做，

because they're teaching themselves

因为他们会自学。

as opposed to just simply pouring in information,

这和只是灌输知识相反。

which is sometimes what we get in our education system.

而有时我们从教育体系中能获得的 也只是灌输知识。

And so this is my my son Isaiah.

这是我的儿子以赛亚(Isaiah)。

His delight is drawing.

他的兴趣是画画。

And so he spends hours drawing, and he seeks out classes

他会花好几个小时画画， 找相关课程，

[that] teach him how to draw.

自学画画。

And he was recently awarded

而他最近获得了

an award by the Smithsonian Museum of African Art for creating --

国立非洲艺术博物馆的一个奖项。

(Applause)

（掌声）

this superhero,

他创造了一个超级英雄。

from looking at a piece of art in the museum.

他看到了博物馆里的一件艺术品，

And he designed this.

并以此设计了这个。

But now Isaiah is designing logos for people.

现在以赛亚正在帮人设计商标。

Yeah, yeah, I love it.

没错，我很喜欢。

So give them room and space to follow their delights.

所以，给予他们空间， 让他们追求自己的兴趣。

And then lastly,

最后，

let them solve their own problems.

让他们自己解决问题。

Entrepreneurs are problem solvers,

企业家们都是解决问题的人。

and as parents it is our natural instinct

作为家长，我们天然的本能

to want to step in and help our kids solve their problems.

是想要介入并帮助孩子们解决问题。

But when we do that all of the time,

但如果我们一直这样做，

we kind of squelch the potential that they have

我们会压制他们的潜力，

to discover new things about themselves

让他们难以发现关于自己的新事物，

new capabilities that they might have.

难以发觉他们可能有的新能力。

It squelches their ability to go out

我们可能会压制他们

and find the answers for themselves.

走出去并自己找到答案的能力。

So I want you to think about those five things

如果你们要开始养育小孩，

as you begin to raise up young people.

我想让你们再想想这五个方法。

And yeah, you know what?

你知道吗？

It's very likely that my boys may not choose business ownership

我的儿子们长大之后很有可能

when they grow up.

不会选择创业。

And that’s OK.

这没有关系。

Because whether a child chooses to build a company

因为无论一个孩子 选择当公司老板

or become an employee,

或只是成为一个员工，

it doesn't matter,

都没有关系。

because every kid needs to learn how to think like an entrepreneur.

因为每个孩子只是需要学习 如何像一个企业家一样思考。

And the sooner we do this as parents,

而我们作为家长，

create an environment at home where they have the opportunity

越快在家里建立起这样一个环境，

and multiple occasions to challenge their beliefs

让他们有不同机会和各种场合

about what's possible within them,

去挑战他们对自身可能性的信念，

to step outside of their comfort zone,

去踏出他们的舒适圈，

to take risks,

去冒险，

to learn from failure, to bounce back from rejection,

去从失败中学习， 从被拒绝中恢复，

then the sooner we'll put them on the path

那我们就可以 帮助他们越快走上正轨，

of living out their potential

发挥他们的潜力，

to lead very fulfilling and successful lives.

过上非常充实和成功的人生。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）