5 Parenting Tips for Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant Kids | Tameka Montgomery | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Shelley Tsang 曾雯海

How do we raise self-reliant kids

我們要如何養育出自立的孩子，

讓他們不但有進取心、有韌性，

who have initiative, who are resilient,

and who could be problem solvers?

還能夠解決問題？

Kids who have the skills and the courage to step outside of their comfort zone

具有技能和勇氣，

能夠踏出他們的舒適圈，

and take advantage of what life has to offer.

並善用人生給予的一切？

I'm a mom to these three boys.

我是這三個男孩的媽媽。

And if you're a parent like me,

如果你和我一樣是家長，

you've probably asked yourself those very same questions.

你可能也會問自己， 剛才的那幾個問題。

And while I'm sure that every caring parent

雖然我很肯定每位慈愛的家長

wants those same things for their children,

對自己孩子的期望都是這些，

I think we're going about it the wrong way.

但我認為我們的做法錯了。

We want our kids to be happy and successful.

我們希望自己的孩子能快樂、成功。

So our instinct is to shield them from hurt and disappointment.

所以我們的直覺是庇護他們，

不讓他們受傷、失望。

We worry about their self-esteem, so we praise them for everything.

我們擔心他們的自尊，

所以他們做什麼我們都只會稱讚。

We are concerned about whether or not they fit in,

我們會很關心他們是否能融入，

so we indulge them.

所以我們會縱容他們。

And we don't want them to fail,

我們不希望他們失敗，

so we step in and take over.

所以我們會介入並接手。

And we do all of this in an attempt to curate a perfect life for them.

我們做這一切的目的，就是 試圖為他們規劃完美的人生。

But what we're really doing

但我們實際上在做的，

is raising kids who are afraid to take risks

是養育出害怕冒險的孩子，

because they fear failure;

因為他們懼怕失敗。

kids who lack the confidence in their ability to figure things out;

這些孩子對於自己的 理解能力缺乏信心；

and then young people who are afraid to launch into adulthood.

這些年輕人害怕長大成人。

More young adults are living at home and for longer stretches.

現在有更多年輕人住在家裡， 且住的時間更長。

And this was occurring even before the pandemic.

在疫情之前就發生這種現象了。

A Pew Research study found that 52 percent of young adults

有一項皮尤研究發現， 有 52% 的年輕人

are living at home,

住在家裡，

which is the highest percentage since the Great Depression.

這是經濟大蕭條之後最高的數字。

And what we're finding is that young adults are stuck

我們發現，年輕人被困住了，

between adolescence and adulthood.

困在青春期和成人期之間。

And that's the generation of people that we're raising.

那就是我們在養育的世代。

And in fact,

事實上，

we hear this in the language that young adults even use

我們在年輕人的用語中 就能聽到這個現象，

when they have to make responsible adult decisions.

當他們得做出負責任的成人決策時，

There's a term for it.

有個專門用語，有人知道嗎？

Who knows what that is?

Adulting, yes.

Adulting（「成人」變動詞）。

The practice of behaving

這個詞的意思是

in a characteristic of a responsible adult.

做出負責成人才有的行為。

So I am convinced that as parents and caregivers,

所以，我深信，

身為家長和照顧者，

we are missing out on a great opportunity

我們正在錯失大好機會，

to raise kids who are resilient

這個機會是養育出有韌性的孩子，

and can take hold of their future,

這些孩子能主導自己的未來，

kids who can step outside of their comfort zone

能踏出他們的舒適圈，

and do amazing things.

去做了不起的事。

Now, these are skills that are necessary

必須要擁有這些技能，

not only for them to lead fulfilling lives and live out their potential,

他們才能過著滿足的生活，

發揮他們的潛能，

but those are skills that are also necessary

此外，在不斷改變的世界生活， 也會需要這些技能。

for our changing world.

So back to my original question.

回到我最原始的問題。

How do we raise self-reliant kids who have initiative,

我們要如何養育出自立的孩子，

還能有進取心，

are resilient and can be problem solvers?

有韌性，且能解決問題？

I believe we do that by raising kids

我認為可行的做法

是養育能以企業家方式 思考和行事的孩子。

who can think and act entrepreneurially.

Kids who have the opportunity or have the skill set

也就是說，這些孩子 要有機會或相關技能，

從企業家的心態來看世界。

to view the world from an entrepreneurial mindset.

So let me tell you how I came to this conclusion.

讓我告訴各位我如何得出這個結論。

So for more than 20 years,

超過二十年的時間，

my work was centered around supporting adult entrepreneurs.

我的工作核心都是支持成人企業家。

Providing them with training and technical assistance

提供他們訓練以及技術協助

and resources to help them start and grow their businesses.

和資源，幫他們創立 和培養他們的企業。

And something I would observe.

我觀察到一點。

We'd have two individuals come into our office seeking assistance.

有兩個人到我們的辦公室尋求協助。

And on the surface,

表面上，這兩個人 都擁有差不多等級的

it appeared that those individuals were at the same level

in terms of resources, capabilities,

資源、能力、

skills and business acumen.

技能，和生意上的精明果斷。

But what we would find

但我們發現，其中一個人

is that one individual would take that information

會運用手邊的資訊， 採取相應的行動。

and go with it,

and then the other individual would just seem to have trouble

而另一個人似乎很難

really getting traction and getting going.

真的成功，很難做起來。

And what I realized was that it had nothing to do

而我了解到，這完全無關於

with skill or capability.

技能或能力。

What it came down to was the mindset of that individual.

歸結起來，原因是人的心態。

And observing this got me thinking:

觀察到這個現象，讓我開始想：

How might I raise my children

我能怎麼養育我的孩子，

such that they can view the world like an entrepreneur?

讓他們能像企業家那樣看世界？

That they would have the courage to step out

讓他們有勇氣站出來，

and to change the world with an entrepreneurial lens.

並從企業家的視角去改變世界。

So that set us out,

這讓我和我先生展開了

my husband and I,

on a 15-year journey to raise entrepreneurial kids.

一段十五年的旅程，

旨在養育出像企業家的孩子。

And we really saw this come together

當我的長子賽勒斯九歲時，

when my eldest son, Silas, was nine years old.

我們真的看到了一些成果。

We had been living here in Maryland for about two years,

我們在馬里蘭州這裡住了約兩年，

and my husband was planning to travel back to Colorado

而我先生計畫要回到科羅拉多州，

to visit his mother.

去看他的母親。

And so Silas asked me, he said, "Hey, mom,

所以，賽勒斯問我說：「嘿，媽，

can me and my brothers also go with Dad to visit grandma?"

我和我的弟弟們能不能 跟爸爸一起去看奶奶？」

And I said, "Well, you know, Silas,

我說：「要知道，賽勒斯，

four airline tickets were not in the budget,

預算沒有包括四張機票，但，

but you can go

如果你能自己買機票，你就能去。」

if you can buy your own ticket."

So he paused for a moment, and he said,

他停了一下，接著說：

"OK, well, how much are airline tickets?"

「好，那機票要多少錢？」

And I said, "About 300 dollars."

我說：「大約三百美金。」

And so his next question, I have to say, it literally blew my mind.

我必須要說，他的 下一個問題讓我好吃驚。

So he said, "OK.

他說：「好，

Can I find free stuff on Craigslist and then resell it?"

我能在克雷格列表（分類廣告 網站）上找免費的東西再賣出嗎？

Yeah, I was like, "Yeah, you can."

是啊，我說：「是，你可以。」

And so then, over the course of that summer,

所以，那個夏天， 他真的就在做這件事。

that's exactly what he did.

You know, he would get online and research Craigslist.

他會上網，研究克雷格列表。

My husband would take him to go pick up those things,

我先生會帶他去拿那些東西，

and then I would help him take pictures and post them online.

我會協助他拍照， 把照片刊在網路上。

But then he also did some other things that summer, he hustled.

那年夏天他也做了 別的事，他拼命賺錢。

So he baked and sold cookies.

他會烤餅干再拿去賣。

And then he also washed cars.

他也會洗車。

And throughout that entire process,

那整個過程中，

my husband and I, we guided him along.

我和我先生，

我們陪著他，引導他。

We were there to coach and encourage him,

我們在他身邊輔導他，鼓勵他，

but we allowed him to take the lead.

但我們讓他來帶頭。

When it was time for him to make his sales pitch,

到了他該要做銷售遊說的時候，

you know, we coached him on how to make the pitch,

我們就輔導他要如何遊說，

but when it was time to knock on the doors,

到了該去敲門的時候，

he stood forward, and we stepped back.

他站出來，我們則退後。

And that summer he raised the money.

那個夏天，他募到了錢。

He earned the money to purchase his airline ticket.

他賺足了錢購買他的機票。

And he made a little bit more.

他還多賺了一點。

And he bought me a gift.

他買了個禮物送我。

But, you know, I'm like,

但，我心想，我不知道 他買那個禮物時在想的是誰。

I don't know really who he was thinking about

when he bought that gift.

是我還是他自己，我不知道。

If it was, like, me or him, I don't know.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But think about the confidence

但，

想想這件事在他九歲時 給了他多少信心，

that this put in him at nine years old.

That he can have a big goal,

他相信他能有大目標，

and that he could persevere to achieve that goal.

且他能不屈不撓去達成那個目標。

Amazing.

很了不起。

But when I share that story with other parents,

但當我和其他家長分享這個故事時，

many of them shake their head and say, "You know what?

許多家長搖頭，說：「你知道嗎，

My kid could never do that

我的孩子絕對不可能做到，因為，

because my kids don't have the entrepreneurial gene."

我的孩子沒有企業家基因。」

Well, being entrepreneurial is not genetic.

成為企業家和基因無關。

It is a set of behaviors

它是一套行為，

that can be learned when given the opportunity.

是能習得的，只需要有機會。

Entrepreneurs are not born.

沒人生來是企業家。

The skills and the experiences that cause a person to be entrepreneurial

讓一個人能成為企業家的技能和經歷

can be taught, and they can be nurtured.

是可以傳授的，可以培植的。

Now, raising entrepreneurial kids

養育像企業家的孩子， 遠不只是教他們

is more than just teaching them how to start a business

如何創業來賺錢而已。

so they can earn money.

Raising entrepreneurial kids is really about preparing kids for life.

養育像企業家的孩子

重點其實是讓孩子為人生做好準備。

Equipping them with everything that they need, with the confidence,

讓他們能

具有他們需要的一切、具有信心、

with the ability to speak up,

有大聲疾呼的能力，

to persevere, to have tenacity,

能不屈不撓，能堅持，

to bounce back from fear and rejection.

在遇到恐懼和拒絕時能夠重新振作。

Those are the things that are required in our world to live to one's potential.

必須要有上述這些，

才能在我們的世界中發揮潛能。

So in order for me to learn as much as I could

所以，

我為了盡可能學習

about raising entrepreneurial kids,

如何養育像企業家的孩子，

I interviewed dozens of parents and kids to find out what they were doing.

我訪談了數十名家長和孩子，

以了解他們在做什麼。

And so I want to share with you what I learned,

我想把我所學到的和各位分享，

and I want to share with you five strategies

我也想和各位分享五項策略，

that I'm actually doing with my children

我有把它們真正用在我的孩子身上，

and that honestly,

老實說，我認為所有家長

I think every parent should be doing with their children

都該用在他們的孩子身上，

to disrupt our conventional way of parenting.

來打破我們慣用的教養方式。

So, number one,

第一，

don't give them an allowance.

別給他們零用錢。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

That's what I'm talking about, too, yes.

那就是我在說的，是的。

Don't give them an allowance.

別給他們零用錢。

Instead, challenge them to start a business

取而代之，挑戰他們 去想辦法做生意，

to earn their spending money.

賺錢給自己花。

So this is my boys, and this is one of the ways

這是我兒子，這是他們 賺錢的方式之一，

that they've earned money,

他們做手環來賺錢給自己花。

their own spending money, is they make bracelets.

And there is no better lesson around the value of a dollar

要學到一塊美金的價值，最好的方式

than when you have to work hard to earn each one of them.

就是必須要自己努力 去掙得每一塊錢。

And through this process,

透過這個過程，

our kids will learn confidence, financial literacy,

我們的孩子會學到信心、

理財素養、

public speaking, how to convince people,

公開演說、如何說服別人，

all skills that are valuable for the world that we live in.

在我們所生活的世界中， 這些技巧都很有價值。

So don't give them an allowance.

所以，別給他們零用錢。

The next thing is make them pay for their wants.

下一項策略，

他們想要什麼就讓他們 自己想辦法買。

You know, key to entrepreneurship

企業家精神的關鍵在於

is about personal responsibility and ownership.

個人的責任以及擔當。

And it is amazing how,

很不可思議的是，

when you put the responsibility on someone else

當你把責任交給別人，

to buy that thing that they said they really wanted,

讓他自己去買他說他想要的東西，

kind of shifts a little bit, right?

會有點轉變，對吧？

It really, really does.

真的會。

It's no different with the kids.

對孩子也一樣。

And so we actually started this quite early with our children.

我們在孩子很小的時候 就開始這麼做了。

So when Silas was about four years old,

賽勒斯大約四歲時，

I created “daddy dollars.”

我創造了「爹地幣」。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And the boys would earn daddy dollars for doing things such as chores,

我的孩子賺取爹地幣的 方式包括做家事、

for exhibiting positive behavior and for also reading books.

展現正面行為，

還有讀書。

And Silas actually purchased his first bike

賽勒斯購買他的第一台腳踏車，

from using daddy dollars.

就是用爹地幣。

He had to earn 250 daddy dollars,

他得賺足兩百五十元的爹地幣，

and that allowed him to purchase his first bike.

便能購買他的第一台腳踏車。

Now, yeah, you know, these are not real dollars.

爹地幣不是真的錢。

But to Silas, that experience of working hard to earn that money

但對賽勒斯而言，

努力工作賺錢去買

腳踏車的那些經歷

and to buy that bike

was a very real experience for him.

對他而言是非常真實的經歷。

Also, in 2019, our family decided to take a trip to Tanzania.

此外，2019 年，

我們家決定到坦尚尼亞旅行。

And so, you know, the boys were really excited about it.

孩子們對此感到很興奮。

And I said, "Now, if you want to go to Tanzania --

我說：

「如果你們想要去坦尚尼亞 ——你們的爸爸和我要去——

your dad and I are going --

but if you want to go to Tanzania, you know what you got to do?"

但如果你們想去坦尚尼亞， 知道你們要做什麼嗎？」

What do you think I told them?

猜猜我跟他們說什麼？

They're going to have to buy their own airline ticket, yes.

他們得自己買機票，是的。

Now, the tickets to Tanzania were not cheap.

去坦尚尼亞的機票並不便宜，

They were 900 dollars apiece.

一張要九百美金。

Yeah.

是的。但，聽聽這個。

But check this out.

This is what I just loved, was when I told the boys

我很愛的一點是，當我告訴 孩子們他們得自己買機票時，

that they were going to have to buy their own ticket,

賽勒斯回想起

Silas, remembering back to what he had done

他九歲時所做的事，

when he was about nine years old,

he said to his brothers,

他對他的弟弟們說：

"That's easy, don't worry about it.

「那很簡單，別擔心，

I'll show you how to do it."

我做給你們看。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Yes.

是的。

And sure enough,

毫無疑問，

they worked hard over several months, and they did just that.

他們努力了好幾個月，

就真的做到了。

They were able to earn enough money

他們賺到了足夠的錢，做法是

by selling their bracelets that I showed you earlier,

銷售我先前給各位看的手環，

and they all were able to go with their parents to Tanzania.

而他們全都能跟父母 一起到坦尚尼亞。

So I would encourage you to make your kids pay

所以我鼓勵大家，

讓你們的孩子想辦法 買自己想要的東西。

for the things that they say they want.

The next is to reduce their prosperity.

下一項策略，減少他們的幸福環境。

Now let's admit it,

承認吧，

kids today have a lot of stuff, right?

現今的孩子擁有很多東西，

對吧？

And when you think about it,

仔細想想這一點，

I understand this need and this desire as parents

我了解身為家長會有需求、有慾望

to want to give our kids experiences and things

想要給予孩子也許

that maybe we did not have when we were children.

自己兒時沒有的經驗和東西。

But when we choose a parenting style of overindulging our children

但當我們選擇過度放縱 孩子的養育風格，

by providing them with too much, too soon, for too long,

太早提供他們太多

且持續太久，

with no effort on their part,

孩子那一方都不用費心費力，

what we do is actually raise young people who are self-centered and entitled.

這樣的做法所養育出來的年輕人其實

會很自我中心且認為特權是應有的。

And so when we, instead ...

所以如果我們能改個方式……

In the [1800s],

在 1800 年代，

it's interesting because Frederick Douglass made a statement

有件事很有趣，法雷迪‧ 道格拉斯做了一項聲明，

that I thought was profound even in the [1800s],

我覺得很深切，

甚至是在 1800 年代， 因為至今我們就在處理它。

because we're dealing with it today.

And he said,

他說：「如果你想要 讓你的兒子很無助，

"If you wish to make your son helpless,

you need not cripple him with a bullet or a bludgeon,

你不需要用子彈或棍棒把他打殘，

but simply place him beyond the reach of necessity

只要很簡單地讓他無法接觸到貧窮，

and surround him with luxury and ease."

並讓他被奢華及舒適圍繞。」

Still true today.

至今仍然是如此。

Steve Jobs in a graduation speech,

在一場畢業典禮演說中， 史帝夫‧賈伯斯

told the graduates to stay hungry.

告訴畢業生要保持飢渴。

And what we love about entrepreneurs is their hustle.

我們很愛企業家 是因為他們精力旺盛。

And oftentimes that hustle is rooted in a hunger for something.

通常，精力旺盛的根源 是對某樣事物的飢渴。

But if our kids never want for anything,

但如果我們的孩子沒有想要什麼，

what's going to motivate them to take action?

他們怎麼會有動力採取行動？

So I encourage you to reduce your kids' prosperity.

所以我鼓勵大家減少 孩子的幸福環境。

Next is to let them be delight-directed.

下一項策略，讓他們 成為樂趣導向的人。

Entrepreneurs are lifelong learners.

企業家一生都在學習。

They learn to do, not simply to know.

他們學習不僅是為了知道， 還是為了去做。

And when we encourage our children to seek out learning

當我們鼓勵我們的孩子

針對他們最感興趣的事物 去做相關的學習，

for the things that they are most interested in,

they become learners who seek to learn to do

他們就會成為為了去做而學的 學習者，因為他們會教自己，

because they're teaching themselves

as opposed to just simply pouring in information,

而不只是單純大量倒入資訊來填鴨，

which is sometimes what we get in our education system.

有時我們的教育體制就是這樣。

And so this is my my son Isaiah.

這是我兒子以賽亞。

His delight is drawing.

他的樂趣是畫畫。

And so he spends hours drawing, and he seeks out classes

他會花數小時在畫畫上，也會找課程

[that] teach him how to draw.

來教他如何畫畫。

And he was recently awarded

他最近得獎了，

an award by the Smithsonian Museum of African Art for creating --

是國立非洲藝術博物館的獎項，

獎勵他創造了——

(Applause)

（掌聲）

this superhero,

這個超級英雄，

from looking at a piece of art in the museum.

靈感來自於他看了 博物館中的一件藝術品。

And he designed this.

他設計了這個。

But now Isaiah is designing logos for people.

現在以賽亞在為別人設計商標。

Yeah, yeah, I love it.

是啊，是啊，我覺得很棒。

So give them room and space to follow their delights.

所以，給他們空間，

讓他們去追尋他們的樂趣。

And then lastly,

最後一項，

let them solve their own problems.

他們的問題，讓他們自己解決。

Entrepreneurs are problem solvers,

企業家是解決問題的人，

and as parents it is our natural instinct

身為家長，我們天生的本能就是

to want to step in and help our kids solve their problems.

想要介入，幫我們的 孩子解決他們的問題。

But when we do that all of the time,

但如果我們老是這麼做，

we kind of squelch the potential that they have

我們會壓制了

他們可以去發掘自我的潛力、

to discover new things about themselves

new capabilities that they might have.

他們可能擁有的新能力。

It squelches their ability to go out

會壓制了他們自己 去外頭找答案的能力。

and find the answers for themselves.

So I want you to think about those five things

我希望各位開始養育孩子時

as you begin to raise up young people.

能夠思考一下這五項策略。

And yeah, you know what?

你們知道嗎，

It's very likely that my boys may not choose business ownership

很有可能，

我的孩子們長大後 不會選擇成為企業老闆。

when they grow up.

And that’s OK.

那沒關係。

Because whether a child chooses to build a company

因為不論孩子選擇要打造一間公司

or become an employee,

或去當員工，

it doesn't matter,

都無所謂，

because every kid needs to learn how to think like an entrepreneur.

因為每個孩子

都需要學習企業家的思考方式。

And the sooner we do this as parents,

而我們家長越早這麼做，

create an environment at home where they have the opportunity

在家中創造一個環境，

讓他們有機會

and multiple occasions to challenge their beliefs

以及許多場合

去挑戰他們對於自己 內在可能性的信念，

about what's possible within them,

跨出他們的舒適圈，去承擔風險，

to step outside of their comfort zone,

to take risks,

to learn from failure, to bounce back from rejection,

從失敗中學習，從被拒絕中爬起來，

then the sooner we'll put them on the path

那麼，我們就能讓他們 更早走上發揮潛能的道路，

of living out their potential

to lead very fulfilling and successful lives.

過著非常滿足、成功的生活。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）