Why Thinking About Death Helps You Live a Better Life | Alua Arthur | TED

翻译人员: Roisin Ling 校对人员: suya f.

I want to die at sunset.

我想在日落时死去。

I want to watch the sky change and turn orange and pink and purple

我想看着天空变成 橘黄、粉红、绛紫色，

as day dies into night.

白昼消逝，黑夜降临。

I want to hear the wind fluttering through the leaves

我想听着风轻轻吹动树叶的声音，

and smell very faintly, nag champa amber incense,

闻着淡淡的金香木和琥珀香气，

but very faintly, because scent can be tough on a dying body.

香气淡些便好， 毕竟已是将死之身。

I want to die with socks on my feet because I get cold.

我想穿着袜子迎接死亡， 以免感到寒冷。

And if I die with a bra on, I'm coming to haunt everybody.

但如果让我穿着胸罩去死， 我做鬼也不会放过你们。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I will terrorize you and that is a threat, OK?

我会回来吓唬你们的。

I want to die in my own bed, at my own home,

我想在自己家的床上安息，

with my loved ones nearby

我深爱的亲朋就在身旁互相安慰着，

who are talking amongst themselves and comforting each other

for this very big thing that's about to happen in their lives.

我的离去在他们生命中是件大事。

I want to die with all my affairs in order

我想在临死之前 把所有事情安排妥当，

so my loved ones have nothing to worry about

这样我死后我的家人朋友 除了悲伤也无需担心什么。

but their grief after I die.

I want to die empty,

我想一无所有地离世，

devoid of all of the skill, gift,

将我所拥有的一切技艺、 天赋、才能和观点全部抛弃，

talent and light that I carry in this body

and satiated, full of the richness of this one unique human ride.

这段独一无二的 人生旅程已经让我满足。

And when my loved ones notice that I have released my last breath,

当我的呼吸停止的时候，

I want them to clap.

我想要我的家人朋友鼓掌欢送我，

I want them to clap because I died well,

因为我的一生过得很好，

but I died well only because I lived well.

所以算是善终。

Now, will it happen this way?

那么事情真的会和我想的一样吗？

Probably not.

可能并不会。

Realistically, I mean, even with all this rah-rah death talk I talk,

实际上，我的意思是，

就算我如此激情 地就“死亡”一事侃侃而谈，

I'm probably going to go kicking and screaming.

当真正面临死亡时， 我可能也会拳打脚踢、放声尖叫。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Unless we choose, the date, place,

除非是我们刻意选择，

manner and time of our death will remain a mystery.

通常我们死亡的日期、地点、 方式和时刻都是未知的。

Then why think about it at all?

那我们为什么要去考虑死亡？

Death creates context for our lives.

因为这能帮助我们过好自己的一生。

My entire life is leading up until that point.

我的人生始终进行着，直到死亡。

How we die creates the period at the end of the sentence,

”死亡”这个阶段出现在人生的末尾，

but it is the period that makes it a sentence at all.

但正是它让人生变得完整。

Imagine for a moment your 847th birthday.

想象一下自己的847岁生日。

OK, try.

来，试着想一下。

I mean, you're probably pushing 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 in this room.

在座各位当中，

即将过第30、40、50、 60、70个生日的可能都有。

Imagine 847 of them.

想象一下第847个生日的场景吧。

So you’re sitting there and your body is raggedy.

你什么也做不了， 只是形容枯槁地坐着。

Because unless they cure aging,

除非人类发明停止衰老的方法，

I promise you, you do not want to be immortal.

否则没人愿意永生不灭。

I promise, you're going to be begging for death.

我能肯定，到那时 你会千方百计地求死。

So it's your 847th birthday.

试想一下自己的847岁生日，

Here they come with a cake.

蛋糕端了上来，

No candles on it, because it would burn the house down.

上面没有蜡烛，

毕竟847根蜡烛 能把整个房子都烧了。

And now here they come, singing that same tired song.

家人朋友又唱起那首歌，

"Happy birthday to you," you would be so over it.

“祝你生日快乐“， 你早就听烦了。

And if it was a Stevie Wonder version, that song is already 45 minutes long,

如果唱的是史提夫·汪达 （美国著名歌手）的版本，

这一版本有足足45分钟，

you'd be extra over it.

你已经烦得不能再烦了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Nobody wants that.

没人想过这种生日。

We count birthdays now because they're finite.

我们过生日是因为它有限， 是因为它特别，

They're special.

They mark the passage of time, and one day, we won't have any more time.

是因为它标志着人生的各个阶段，

而终有一天，我们的人生到此为止。

And I find that to be a really useful fact.

确实是这样，我认为 对死亡的思考是健康的。

I think it's healthy for us to think about our death.

And you might say, of course I do, because I'm a death doula.

你们可能会说， 我当然会这么认为了，

毕竟我的职业就是临终陪护。

I wanted us to embrace thinking about our mortality.

让大家乐意去思考自己 的死亡是我的工作。

I spend a lot of time thinking about, talking about, helping people prepare

对于这份工作，我花了 很多时间去思索和谈论，

也花了很多时间去做， 甚至教他人如何做。

and teaching death doulas.

Death doulas offer non-medical and holistic care for the dying person,

临终陪护负责为即将死亡 的人提供非医疗整体陪护，

the circle of support and the community through the process.

在这个过程中给予他们支持， 让他们有归属感。

I want to acknowledge first what a privilege it is

对于知道这个职业并且 有钱雇佣临终陪护的人来说，

for people to be able to know about and afford and hire a death doula.

我首先承认这确实 能让他们得到很好的服务。

We're working on it.

我们一直在努力工作。

And next, what a privilege it is for me

其次，这个职业也给了 我自己一种”特权“，

to even be able to imagine my own death.

我能更好地想象自己的死亡。

It says that I have a sense of safety.

我想象中的死亡是有安全感的，

My basic bodily needs are met.

基本身体需求能够得到满足，

And I have safety in my body, my mind and in my life,

对自己的身体、思想、一生，

even despite the skin I wear.

甚至对包裹着这副身躯 的皮囊，都有安全感。

That wasn't always the case.

但实际情况并非总是如此。

I came to this work by serendipity,

我做这份工作是由于机缘巧合， 也是由于客观环境，

by circumstance, but mostly by necessity.

但最主要的是，这份工作 是我必须要去做的。

A little over ten years ago,

十多年前，

I was practicing law at the Legal Aid Foundation of Los Angeles,

我在洛杉矶法律援助基金会 从事法律工作，

and I grew depressed.

那段时间我很抑郁。

Not like, "Oh my God, I'm so depressed,"

并不是每天长吁短叹 “老天啊，我太抑郁了”，

but like, for real depressed, like, "can't get out of bed" depressed,

而是真的抑郁，以致于卧床不起，

"can't shower" depressed, can't find hope,

连洗澡的精力都没有， 感觉人生无望，

"can find a smile, but can't really find joy,"

即使笑着也感觉不到快乐，

type of depressed.

我已经抑郁成了这样。

I took a medical leave of absence, so I went to Cuba,

我请了病假，去古巴放松心情，

and I met a woman there,

我在旅游大巴上认识了一位游客，

a fellow traveler on the bus, who had uterine cancer.

她是一位患有子宫癌的女士。

We spent the 14-hour bus ride talking about her life and also her death.

我们在14小时的车程里， 畅聊她的一生，以及她的死亡。

And it was a highly illuminating conversation.

这场交谈给了我很大的启发。

I heard firsthand how hard it was for her

对她来说，和他人谈论自己的疾病 和对死亡的恐惧是件难事，

to even be able to talk about her fears around mortality and her disease

because people censored their own discomfort with mortality

因为他人一联想到自己 的死亡就会感到不适，

rather than make space for her.

从而很难继续同她交谈。

I took the invitation, however, to think about my mortality

然而，我欣然接纳了她说的话， 也开始思考自己的死亡，

and looked at my life from the perspective of my death for the very first time.

我头一次站在死亡 的角度审视自己的一生。

And it was grim, I did not like what I saw.

我发现自己的人生非常沮丧， 我不喜欢这样。

I noticed then

然后我发现，

that I had to live life on my own terms

我得按照自己的意愿去生活，

because I was the only one who was going to have to contend with all the choices

因为在将死之时，我还是需要亲自 面对自己曾作过的所有选择。

that I'd made at my death.

Not long after I came back from Cuba,

我从古巴回来后不久，

my brother-in-law, Peter Saint John, became ill.

我的姐夫彼得·圣约翰生了一场病，

And not too long after that, they couldn't cure him anymore.

没过多久便回天乏术。

So I went to New York,

于是我去了纽约，

where he and my sister and my niece were,

彼得、我姐姐和外甥女，

and along with Peter's family and my family and his friends,

彼得的家人朋友以及我的家人都在，

we ushered him to the end of his life.

我们一起送他最后一程。

Being present for Peter's death

见证彼得的离世是我人生中 意义最重大的事情之一。

is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given.

Not only did I get to care for somebody who I loved so dearly,

经历了这件事，我开始关心 自己深爱的亲朋，

but it also grew my capacity for compassion.

也变得更有同情心。

I knew, intellectually, that there were thousands of other people

我知道，理智地想一想， 有成千上万个人

that were walking through the same thing at the same time.

都同时经历着这种痛苦。

And it also hinted at the things that I've been talking about in Cuba.

这件事也印证了我刚才所讲 的在古巴的经历。

Everybody was uncomfortable with the fact that he was going to die,

所有人都会对自己 终有一死的事实感到难受，

even the medical care team.

就连医护团队也是如此。

I knew that there should be somebody,

我知道，我们需要有人陪着 自己度过这一段艰难的时刻。

somebody who was there, somebody who could be with us

to walk alongside us.

Somebody who could listen to us, offer resources,

我们需要有人倾听自己， 提供情绪的出口，

hold our hands, hold our hearts,

握住我们的手，抚慰我们的心，

bear witness to our pain, help us sort through information,

见证我们的痛苦，帮我们厘清头绪，

tell us that we were doing the best that we could

对我们说，我们已经做到最好了，

with the worst that we were dealt.

即使我们实际上做得一团糟。

But I couldn't find anybody.

但我找不到这样的人。

So I became that someone for other people.

所以我成为了这样的人。

I sit deep in the trench with folks as they prepare for death.

当人们行将就木的时候， 我和他们同在。

There's no fixing or saving anything

不需要修复什么， 也不需要留住什么，

because there's no fixing or saving grief or death.

因为无论是悲伤还是死亡， 都不是能修复或留住的。

It just is, I meet people where they are at.

我只是出现在了他们生命的末尾。

My goal is to help them answer the question:

我的目标是帮他们回答一个问题：

"What must I do to be at peace with myself

“我要做什么才能获得内心的平静，

so that I may live presently and die gracefully,

让自己先好好活着， 再优雅地死去呢？“

holding both at the same time?"

When I'm thinking about my present life

当我站在死亡的制高点 审视自己现在的生活，

from the vantage point of my graceful death,

I can see very clearly who I want to be,

我能清楚地知道自己 想要成为什么样的人，

how I want to spend my time

想要如何度过自己的时间，

and what of me I'll leave behind.

以及想要丢掉哪些缺点。

It allows me to consciously curate my life right now

这能够让我从现在开始有 意识地策划自己的生活，

and also figure out my little "whys" right now.

以及想明白自己心中 的诸多“为什么”。

Because what are we waiting for, anyway?

因为我们在等待着什么，对吧？

Like, death?

比如说，死亡？

I used to think dying people had it all figured out, though.

我曾以为人在弥留之际 会把这些全都想明白。

I used to think that they'd lay there with their hands like this

我以为他们会像这样双手交叠躺着，

because we all know this is like, universal dying person pose.

毕竟大家都知道，这是电影里 将死之人的经典姿势。

So they'd lay there with their hands like this,

双手交叠，眼睛里闪着微光，

and there'd be a little glimmer in their eye,

看上去就像

“啊，没错，我终于全明白了。”

they'd be like, "Oh, yes, finally, it all makes sense."

事实上却完全不是这样。

Turns out it's not like that at all, it doesn't look like that.

我们早就知道 好莱坞总是骗人，对吧？

比如，灰姑娘的故事 就很不合理，却家喻户晓。

Hollywood has lied to us, we know that already.

Cinderella was unconscionable, but this is just flagrant.

实际上死亡根本不是那样， 你在死前需要做太多事情了。

It's not like that at all.

It's way too much work to be doing while you're dying.

这没什么秘密可言，

你并不会到那个时候 就奇迹般地想明白什么。

So it doesn't look like that, there's no secret,

就是这样，

there's nothing magically you'll find out then.

其实你没想明白什么事情， 也没什么惊天大秘密。

This is it, there's nothing to figure out, no big secret at all.

我的很多委托人 都即将走到生命的终点，

Many of my clients also reached the end of their lives

他们总希望自己最后的时间再长些。

wishing that they had more time.

但我一直很好奇， 他们要这时间干什么？

But I'm always curious, more time for what?

What else would they do with the time that they had?

他们会用这些时间 做什么别的事情呢？

可不能是去马丘比丘 （秘鲁印加遗址）参观吧。

It's rarely to go see Machu Picchu, OK, I'll tell you that.

好吧，让我来告诉各位。

Can I tell you a story?

我能给各位讲个故事吗？

OK, so this client is a composite,

好的，故事中的这位委托人 集诸多特点于一身，

very many clients shoved together because as juicy as their stories are,

她的故事是以许多委托人 为原型杂糅而成的，

毕竟大家的故事都很精彩， 我不能一一赘述。

it's not my responsibility or job to tell them.

So this is many clients together,

我有这么多委托人，

and I find that it's an easy composite to make

但其实很容易就能将 他们的故事结合到一起，

because it's universally applicable.

毕竟人生无非就这些事儿。

This applies whether or not somebody has worked their entire life

无论是一生忙于工作的人，

or sits on a big trust fund or works three jobs to keep the lights on.

还是坐拥一大笔信托基金的人，

抑或是做三份工作以维持生计的人，

You might find bits of yourself in this story.

都可能在这个故事里找到自己的影子。

This client is somebody who had a decent amount of privilege,

这位委托人过得相当不错，

but not without adversity, of course, because she's human.

当然并不是没遇到过挫折， 毕竟人生总得有点风浪。

She had a great job, great career, had been a real trailblazer.

她事业有成，是当之无愧的行业领军者，

Kids who she loved, who she was proud of,

她很爱自己的孩子并以他们为傲，

good friends, traveled a bunch,

她有知心好友，她曾四处旅行，

did a bunch of great things in her life, had plenty of romance and love.

她一生中做了很多有意思的事， 也收获了浪漫与爱情。

She was doing OK.

一切都是那么美好。

The girl who had everything.

她拥有了一切。

And then came a plot twist.

但故事来到了转折点。

That plot twist was an aggressive bone cancer

她患上了侵袭性骨癌，

that was likely going to kill her.

很有可能会导致死亡。

And with that plot twist came a sense of pointlessness to her life.

这让她感觉人生毫无意义。

She couldn’t figure out what she’d been doing for the past 60-odd years

她不明白这60多年 自己到底在做什么，

because she'd been so busy doing.

尽管每天总是忙忙碌碌。

While she was healthy,

在她身体健康的时候，她总是很忙，

it was about the next career milestone or what's happening with the kids next

为了职业生涯的下一个里程碑，

孩子们的未来，

or the next trip.

或者下一场旅行。

When she was sick, more of the same.

在她生病的时候， 虽然还是每天都在忙，

Next doctor's appointment, next scan, next medication.

忙着看医生、扫描检查和吃药，

She was so busy distracting herself from like, the difficulty

但她一直在逃避这个问题，

that she found in her life,

staying out of her body

好像只要她不去想， 身体上的病痛就与她无关。

so that she didn't have to be present with what was going on.

It was always out there, she was always looking out there.

她始终不愿接受这个事实。

But death was coming to remind her that she had no more "out theres."

但死亡提醒着她， 病魔已经侵袭了她的身体。

That it was always only right here,

大限已至，她无能为力， 只能迎接死亡。

where there is nothing at all to do

but simply to be.

We zoomed out on her life to look at what she enjoyed,

我们观察她的生活， 弄明白她真正喜欢的是什么，

to see where she placed value,

搞清楚什么在她心中有重要价值，

because from there we can figure out where we place meaning.

以帮她找到人生的意义。

And it turns out it wasn't about the kids or the work or the money.

结果我们发现，

重要的不是孩子、工作或金钱，

It was about the little things.

而是点滴小事。

Her hands in the soil.

在自己的花园里种花、

Her garden.

给炉子生火、读书和品尝美食。

Building a fire, reading books and food.

She loved to eat,

她喜欢品尝美食，

but she had dieted most of her adult life.

但她成年后几乎每天都在节食。

The sound at all familiar to anybody?

听到这里，各位有没有感到熟悉呢？

OK, if it does, this is for you, OK?

如果有，那这个故事 就是讲给你听的。

If you take nothing away, hear this:

如果你从来不点外卖，那么听着：

you are going to die, so please eat the cake.

人终有一死，所以想吃就吃吧。

Eat the cake, order the dessert,

吃些蛋糕，点些甜品，

eat the french fries, eat the brownies.

吃些薯条和布朗尼。

Eat everything you want to, just eat it, because you're going to die.

吃你想吃的所有东西，放开吃吧， 因为人总有一天要死的。

One day, you won't be able to anymore.

别等到有一天你什么都吃不成了。

At this point in her disease process, chemotherapy had ravaged her taste buds,

她生病的时候， 化学疗法损坏了她的味蕾，

so she had to rely on her sense of smell to get pleasure out of eating.

所以她只能靠嗅觉 来体会享用美食的快乐。

And she ate.

她大吃特吃，

She did it as much as she could

because she knew she wouldn't be able to for much longer.

因为她知道自己过不了多久 就再也不能吃东西了。

She ate as much as cancer would allow,

她在身体允许的情况下 吃尽可能多的食物，

and when her body could no longer process food,

当她的身体再也 消化不了食物的时候，

we placed her favorite passion fruit soufflé right on her lip,

我们把她最喜欢的水果 舒芙蕾放在她的嘴唇上，

and she would lick it and smile.

她会轻轻地舔， 然后露出笑容。

She lived more in the last eight months or so of her life

在人生的最后八个月里， 有了我们的临终陪护，

with the help of hospice than she had before.

她确实比之前活得更有意义了。

She was finally present, at home in her body,

她是在自己家中离世的，

delighting in the richness of the sensory experience we have

在最后的日子里，

她充分享受了从感官 体验中获得的快乐。

by virtue of these fantastical bodies that we will die in.

我们拥有能够感受这种快乐的身体，

但人终有一死。

These bodies that we will die in.

She was also really curious about her legacy.

她还非常关心自己的遗产。

What, if anything, she'd leave behind.

如果有财产的话， 她当然会留下。

But leaving a legacy isn't optional.

但不论有没有钱， 人一定会留下一些遗产的。

We're doing it every single day.

事实上，我们每天都在留下遗产，

You're doing it with every smile, every word, every kind word,

这体现在我们的 每个微笑，说的每句话，

每句善语和每句恶言，

every harsh word,

每次行动和每次不作为，

every action, every inaction, every dollar you spend.

以及花过的每一分钱。

You're telling the people who are paying attention

你通过以上种种让大家 知道了你是什么样的人，

exactly who you are,

and that is what they'll tell of you when you are gone.

你离去后，他们提到你时， 也会说你是这样的人。

At her funeral,

在她的葬礼上，

despite all of her career accomplishments, nobody talked about any of that.

尽管她在事业上取得了诸多成就， 人们却对此只字不提。

They talked about who she was, nobody cared about what she'd done.

人们只会谈论她是什么样的人， 而不关心她做了什么事。

When we focus on our productivity,

当我们把目光投向 自己能做的事情时，

we highlight what we have to do to feel worthy,

我们看重的是做什么 才能让自己有价值，

rather than who we get to be,

而不是自己要成为什么样的人，

where worthiness is our birthright

我们认为自己生下来就要创造价值，

and we are human.

但我们是人。

(Applause)

（掌声）

We're human.

我们的一生混乱、神奇、迷人、

Messily, magically, fantastically,

短暂而完美。

beautifully, briefly,

perfectly human.

Now humans are meaning-making machines.

我们可以给世间万物赋予意义，

We can make a story out of anything and make it sound good.

我们完全可以给任何事物 赋予自己的故事。

So why not then make meaning out of the magic of the mundane?

那为什么不将意义赋予 在平凡的事物上呢？

And absolve ourselves of the responsibility

为什么非要把实现崇高 的人生目标当成责任呢？

of trying to have some grand life purpose?

Why not just give ourselves permission to be fully human,

为什么不做你自己呢？

to be fallible, to be messy, to be here while we're here?

为什么不允许自己犯错， 非要那么一板一眼呢？

在这个星球上， 为什么不享受人生呢？

I mean, is nobody else tripping out over the fact

我是说，我们生活在宇宙中 一块旋转着的蓝色巨石上，

that we're on a giant blue rock spinning through space?

这多不可思议啊！

Y'all don't trip about that, because I do regularly.

如果你们不这么觉得，

那肯定是因为听 我说这句话太多次了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then what really trips me out is that while that's going on,

然而让我觉得更加不可思议的是，

生活在这么美丽的星球上， 我们居然还在“路怒”。

we're getting bent out of shape over traffic.

Please let the cars merge, OK?

他们想超车， 那就让他们到前面去吧。

Can we agree universally we're going to let people merge?

反正大多数时候他们总能得逞。

Let them merge, let them merge.

有的人喜欢超车， 那尽管让他们到前面去好了。

Let them merge.

It requires nothing of you, just to give them a little bit of time.

这对我们来说也不需要费什么力气， 只不过是给了他们一点超车的时间。

And in fact, it's probably taking more time off your life

再说了，如果你硬是 不想让他们超车，

by all the high blood pressure when you don't want to let them merge.

万一把高血压 给气出来了，得不偿失啊。

Just let them in, it'll be fine, everybody's fine, it's OK.

就让他们超车去吧， 一切照样都挺好的。

Hold life lightly.

活得轻松一点吧。

We've got to hold life really, really lightly.

我们都要活得轻松一点。

We are all dying.

人终有一死。

We're all dying.

Now I can understand why people maybe don't want to talk about death

我能理解为什么人们并不想谈论死亡，

or think about it.

甚至都不愿想到死亡。

It's uncomfortable.

死亡确实蛮难受的， 令人伤心、恐惧、讨厌。

It's sad, it's scary, icky.

Acknowledging your death means that you are not the center of the story,

承认自己的死亡意味着 你不再是故事的中心，

and that is disquieting to the very fragile human ego.

这无疑给人类脆弱 的自尊心制造了忧虑，

Acknowledging your mortality also means acknowledging our powerlessness

同时也意味着承认自己对生命 是无能为力且无法控制的。

and lack of control we have in life.

Also icky.

很让人难受的是，

It also means surrendering to the big "I don't knows" of life

这还意味着屈服于生命中的未知，

and also the really big "I don't knows"

屈服于对”我们死后会发生什么“的未知。

of "what, if anything, happens after we die?"

But since we don't know,

但既然是未知的，

why not imagine something absurd,

为什么不把死亡想象得

荒唐点、辉煌点、盛大点呢？

something glorious, something huge?

A vision that actually serves you

将死亡想象成让 自己一生圆满的终点站，

rather than makes you want to recoil in fear.

而不是去害怕和畏缩。

We could.

我们完全可以这样想。

You want to hear my working theory?

各位想听听我的工作原理吗？

It's absurd, OK?

虽然也挺荒唐的。

And please remember, even though I might kind of look like Miss Cleo,

请各位明白，就算我长得 有点像克利奥小姐（电视灵媒），

I don't know anything about what happens after we die, alright?

我也的确不知道人死后会发生什么。

This is just an idea, OK.

我所说的只不过是我自己的想法。

So I'm on my deathbed.

好了，请跟我来到我的临终之榻上。

On the outside, they are clapping.

看看外面，亲朋好友正在鼓掌欢送我。

On the inside -- well, I've hit my death pose, all right?

再看看我自己—— 我已经摆好经典姿势了，对吧？

I'm in my death pose.

On the inside,

好了，看看我自己，

I'm starting to feel everything I ever felt in this body,

我曾感受过的一切 忽然间全都涌了上来。

all at the same time.

It's all starting to gather up in my body all at the same time.

这些感觉就在一瞬间涌遍我的全身，

Like that one time I was 11 and I stepped on a frog.

比如，我11岁那年 不小心踩到青蛙的感觉，

I mean, poor frog, and I felt so bad,

唉，可怜的青蛙，我感觉糟透了，

but I was barefoot, ew,

我当时还光着脚，

like, I can still feel it squishing up between my toes.

我依然能感觉到它 在我脚趾间被挤压。

Yuck.

真恶心。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

When you bite into an orange and the juice squirts into your mouth,

and then there's the little bite in your jaw,

以及下颌微酸的感觉。

there's a little bite in your jaw because it's sour.

Or when you first bite into a fried plantain.

还有第一次吃油炸大蕉的感觉，

Or getting into clean sheets, that feeling gathering in my body,

躺在新床单上的感觉，

all the feelings, getting into a hot shower,

洗热水澡的感觉，

listening to a song that you love for the very first time,

第一次听到喜欢的歌的感觉，

I'm hearing Stevie Wonder "As" playing,

没错，就是我听到 史提夫·汪达那首《As》的感觉，

how I feel my spirit when I see the color yellow.

看见鲜艳的黄色 时灵魂雀跃的感觉......

Just all these feelings are starting to roll up in my body.

所有感觉都汇集到了我的身上。

我能感觉到外甥女的笑声，

My niece’s laughter, my nephew trying to teach me how to Dougie.

能感觉到外甥在教我跳道基舞，

It did not go well.

这感觉不太好，

It didn't go well, I still don't know how to do it.

我还是没学会怎么跳。

How I can look into my partner's eyes

我还能感觉到与爱人四目相对时，

and just by looking into his eyes, I can feel love in my body.

那涌遍全身的爱意。

All these feelings are starting to gather up in my body.

这些感觉就这样在我体内涌动着。

At the same time, I'm also feeling every little bit of pain I've ever felt

与此同时，这些感觉中 还夹杂着曾经历过的一些痛苦，

physically and emotionally.

身体上的痛苦， 还有心理上的痛苦。

I'm feeling all the sensations, I'm feeling anger, feeling rage,

气愤、暴怒、沮丧、 悲痛、伤感......

feeling frustration, feeling grief, feeling sadness,

feeling all those things gathering up in my body.

这一切都聚集在了我的体内。

I'm feeling despair, desperation, sadness.

我感受到了绝望和悲哀，

I'm feeling insecurity.

我丧失了安全感，充满着怀疑，

All the crippling doubt,

I'm feeling all the failures, all the disappointments.

我感觉到了我曾经历过 的所有失败与失望，

Every single time I thought I couldn't make it through the day,

每次我都以为自己撑不下去了，

It's all starting to gather up in my body.

而这时它们一下子 全都涌上了我的心头。

I'm also remembering every single time I did get up.

我也想到了自己曾一次次振作起来，

So I'm also feeling all the hope,

于是感觉到了所有的希望、 欢愉、敬畏、神秘和自由。

all the joy, all the awe, all the mystery,

all the freedom that I feel in this body.

But most of all, I'm also feeling all of the love,

而最重要的是，我感觉到了爱，

all the aching love that underwrites it all.

以上这些全都是因爱而生。

And when I cannot take it anymore,

当我再也承受不住的时候，

I am saturated with this experience that I've had,

我已被这一生中的所有经历填满，

poof, I explode into a cosmic orgasm.

然后“噗”的一声 在宇宙中绽放开来。

Audience: Yes!

（听众：哇！）

AA: Yes.

没错，就像爆竹一样，

And like a pinata that's broken open,

pieces of glitter start to fall from the sky.

闪着光的彩色碎屑从天上 洋洋洒洒地落下来，

Glitter confetti, falling, falling.

Orange, pink, purple, yellow, turquoise, everything.

橘色、粉色、紫色、黄色、 蓝绿色、金色、银色......

Gold, silver, falling, falling, falling, like a really soft snow shower.

如同一场细雪那般四处飘落，

Falling everywhere.

In larger concentrations on the people who loved me.

在爱我的人身边就落得多些，

And in lesser concentration on those people whose lives I touched.

在被我伤害过的人身边就落得少些，

And then the rest of it just gets reabsorbed

其他的人也都能感受到，

into a big undulating glitter wave

因为会有一道光波遍布我 的目光所及之处，

that goes on all around as far as I can see,

for all of eternity that envelops and encompasses us all.

将所有人永远笼罩在光芒之下。

Maybe it's just glitter.

也有可能只是闪着微光而已。

Could it be?

一切都有可能发生。

It could be anything.

All I know is at that point, all I believe is at that point,

我所知道和相信的一切， 都存在于我死亡前的一刹那，

when the glitter, all the pieces of me have been reencompassed,

当光芒出现时，我也被笼罩其中，

the I that I think of myself as,

我所认为的那个自己，

Alua Adwoba Arthur,

那个名叫

艾鲁阿·阿德沃巴·亚瑟的自己，

having this one single solitary human experience,

那个体验了一把这样的人生的自己，

has been reenveloped into all that ever was

被过去和未来的光芒所笼罩，

and all that ever will be,

And it is complete.

我的人生终于完整了。

And I am safe.

回到现实，我还活着。

我的状态早已和在古巴时不同。

I am still far from where I was in Cuba.

At that point, my death would have come as a relief.

在那时，死亡对我来说 可能是一种解脱，

An ending to my pain and to my suffering

死亡能结束我的痛苦和不幸，

and a way out of this life that I couldn't quite figure out how to get into.

也能让我彻底摆脱这段我自己 都不知道怎么过的人生。

If I'm to die today,

如果我现在死去，

I know that my death will come as a celebration.

我知道我的离去是值得庆祝的，

As a culmination of a life lived in and loved.

因为我一生圆满，一生被爱，

A life that's worth dying from.

我死而无憾。

After the last decade spent supporting people

在这十年的时间里，

我一直在帮助他 人思考人生，筹备死亡，

as they think through their lives and prepare for their death,

I know,

这让我明白，

I trust that the real gift in being with our mortality

我们过着自己的人生 就已经是很棒的事情，

is the sheer wonder that we live at all.

这是对死亡的思考 带给我们的最大收获。

That's all I got.

我想说的就是这些。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼声和掌声）