Why Thinking About Death Helps You Live a Better Life | Alua Arthur | TED

譯者: 麗玲 辛 審譯者: Helen Chang

I want to die at sunset.

我想在日落時去世。

I want to watch the sky change and turn orange and pink and purple

我想看著天色變化， 由橘黃變成粉紅、紫色，

as day dies into night.

隨著白日逝去，轉為黑夜。

I want to hear the wind fluttering through the leaves

我想聽到風從樹葉間掠過，

and smell very faintly, nag champa amber incense,

聞到琥珀草本線香的 淡淡香味，香味很淡，

but very faintly, because scent can be tough on a dying body.

因為香氣對垂死的身體 可能會造成負擔。

I want to die with socks on my feet because I get cold.

我想在離世時穿著襪子， 因為我容易覺得冷。

And if I die with a bra on, I'm coming to haunt everybody.

不過，如果我死的時候 還穿著胸罩，我會回來鬧鬼。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I will terrorize you and that is a threat, OK?

我會回來嚇你， 這是個恐嚇，知道嗎？

I want to die in my own bed, at my own home,

我想死在自己的床上， 在自己的家裡，

with my loved ones nearby

身邊有我所愛的人，

who are talking amongst themselves and comforting each other

他們會互相交談，安慰彼此，

for this very big thing that's about to happen in their lives.

因為對他們的生活來說， 重大事件即將發生。

I want to die with all my affairs in order

我希望在離世前把所有的事務安排好，

so my loved ones have nothing to worry about

這樣我摯愛的人在我去世後 就不用擔心其他事情，

but their grief after I die.

只需面對他們的悲傷。

I want to die empty,

我想空孓一身地死去，

devoid of all of the skill, gift,

剝去我身上所有的技能、

talent and light that I carry in this body

天賦和光芒，

and satiated, full of the richness of this one unique human ride.

滿足地帶著這個獨特 人生旅程的豐富經驗。

And when my loved ones notice that I have released my last breath,

當我所愛的人注意到 我已經呼出最後一口氣時，

I want them to clap.

我希望他們鼓掌。

I want them to clap because I died well,

我希望他們鼓掌，因為我好死，

but I died well only because I lived well.

但我好死，只因為我活得好。

Now, will it happen this way?

情形會是如此嗎？

Probably not.

可能不會。

Realistically, I mean, even with all this rah-rah death talk I talk,

實際上，即使我口口聲聲談著死亡，

I'm probably going to go kicking and screaming.

我可能還是會掙扎著不願離世。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Unless we choose, the date, place,

除非我們能選擇，

否則我們的死亡日期、地點、 方式和時間，終將是個謎。

manner and time of our death will remain a mystery.

Then why think about it at all?

那麼，為什麼要想這個問題呢？

Death creates context for our lives.

死亡為我們的生活創造了背景。

My entire life is leading up until that point.

我的一生都在走向那一刻。

How we die creates the period at the end of the sentence,

死亡的樣貌決定了句子的結束，

but it is the period that makes it a sentence at all.

有了句點，句子才會完整。

Imagine for a moment your 847th birthday.

想像一下你的 847 歲生日。

OK, try.

來吧，試想一下。

I mean, you're probably pushing 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 in this room.

在場的大家可能已經快到 30、40、50、60、70歲了。

Imagine 847 of them.

想像 847 個生日。

So you’re sitting there and your body is raggedy.

你坐在那裡，身體已經衰敗了。

Because unless they cure aging,

除非衰老能被治癒，

I promise you, you do not want to be immortal.

否則我保證，你不會想要永生。

I promise, you're going to be begging for death.

我保證，你會乞求死亡。

好，這是你的第 847 個生日。

So it's your 847th birthday.

Here they come with a cake.

有人端蛋糕來。

No candles on it, because it would burn the house down.

上面不能放蠟燭，否則房子會被燒掉。

And now here they come, singing that same tired song.

一群人一起唱著那首熟悉的歌。

"Happy birthday to you," you would be so over it.

「祝你生日快樂！」 但你已經對生日煩透了。

And if it was a Stevie Wonder version, that song is already 45 minutes long,

如果是史提夫·汪達的版本， 這首歌就有 45 分鐘長，

you'd be extra over it.

你更覺得厭世。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Nobody wants that.

沒有人喜歡這樣。

We count birthdays now because they're finite.

我們現在會過生日 是因為生日是有限的，

They're special.

是特別的。

They mark the passage of time, and one day, we won't have any more time.

它們標誌著時間的流逝。

而總有一天，我們不再擁有時間。

And I find that to be a really useful fact.

我發現這是一個很有用的事實。

I think it's healthy for us to think about our death.

我認為思考死亡對我們是有益的。

And you might say, of course I do, because I'm a death doula.

你可能會想，當然囉， 因為我是一個臨終陪伴員啊。

I wanted us to embrace thinking about our mortality.

過去，我希望人們能夠 欣然接受有關死亡的思考。

I spend a lot of time thinking about, talking about, helping people prepare

我花了很多時間思索、 談論、幫助人們做好準備，

and teaching death doulas.

並培訓臨終陪伴員。

Death doulas offer non-medical and holistic care for the dying person,

臨終陪伴員為臨終者、支持圈和社區

the circle of support and the community through the process.

提供非醫療及整體照護。

I want to acknowledge first what a privilege it is

首先，我知道，

能夠了解並擁有、且請得起 臨終陪伴員是優渥的恩典。

for people to be able to know about and afford and hire a death doula.

我們正在致力改善這一點。

We're working on it.

And next, what a privilege it is for me

第二，我知道有能力想像 自己的死亡也是特別的恩典。

to even be able to imagine my own death.

It says that I have a sense of safety.

這表示我有安全感。

My basic bodily needs are met.

我的基本生理需求得到滿足。

And I have safety in my body, my mind and in my life,

儘管我的膚色，我的身體、 心靈和生活中都感到安全。

even despite the skin I wear.

That wasn't always the case.

情況並非總是如此。

I came to this work by serendipity,

我從事這項工作是出於偶然，

by circumstance, but mostly by necessity.

出於環境，但更多地出於必要。

A little over ten years ago,

十多年前，

I was practicing law at the Legal Aid Foundation of Los Angeles,

我在洛杉磯法律援助基金會工作，

and I grew depressed.

我陷入憂鬱。

Not like, "Oh my God, I'm so depressed,"

不是一般的憂鬱，

but like, for real depressed, like, "can't get out of bed" depressed,

而是真正的憂鬱，無法起床，

無法洗澡，感到無望，

"can't shower" depressed, can't find hope,

"can find a smile, but can't really find joy,"

無法微笑，找不到 真正喜悅的那種憂鬱。

type of depressed.

I took a medical leave of absence, so I went to Cuba,

我請了長期病假，去了古巴。

and I met a woman there,

在巴士上，我遇到了一個女子，

a fellow traveler on the bus, who had uterine cancer.

她患有子宮癌。

We spent the 14-hour bus ride talking about her life and also her death.

14 個小時的巴士旅程中， 我們聊她的生活，也談她的死亡。

And it was a highly illuminating conversation.

那是一次非常有啟發性的對話。

I heard firsthand how hard it was for her

我親耳聽到她說，多麼難以開口

to even be able to talk about her fears around mortality and her disease

去談論她對死亡和疾病的恐懼，

because people censored their own discomfort with mortality

因為對死亡的不安 讓人們對此略而不談，

rather than make space for her.

而非為她留下餘裕。

I took the invitation, however, to think about my mortality

那時我接受她的啟發， 開始思考我的死亡，

and looked at my life from the perspective of my death for the very first time.

首次從死亡的角度看待我的生活。

And it was grim, I did not like what I saw.

我看到了令人沮喪的畫面， 我不喜歡這個畫面。

I noticed then

那時我意識到，

that I had to live life on my own terms

我必須依自己的主張生活，

because I was the only one who was going to have to contend with all the choices

因為在死亡時，我得獨自 面對我所做的一切決定。

that I'd made at my death.

Not long after I came back from Cuba,

從古巴回來後不久，

my brother-in-law, Peter Saint John, became ill.

我的姐夫彼得·聖約翰就生病了。

And not too long after that, they couldn't cure him anymore.

很快地，他的病無法醫治。

So I went to New York,

所以我去了紐約，

where he and my sister and my niece were,

和他、我妹妹和侄女一起，

and along with Peter's family and my family and his friends,

以及彼得的家人、 我的家人和他的朋友，

we ushered him to the end of his life.

我們陪伴他走到生命的盡頭。

Being present for Peter's death

在旁陪伴彼得去世

is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given.

是我得到的最重要的禮物之一。

Not only did I get to care for somebody who I loved so dearly,

我不僅有機會照顧我如此深愛的人，

but it also grew my capacity for compassion.

這也滋長了我的慈悲心。

I knew, intellectually, that there were thousands of other people

我知道，從理智上講， 有成千上萬的人

that were walking through the same thing at the same time.

在同一時間走過同樣的路。

And it also hinted at the things that I've been talking about in Cuba.

這也暗指我剛提的古巴例子所說的點。

Everybody was uncomfortable with the fact that he was going to die,

每個人都對他將死的事實感到不安，

even the medical care team.

甚至醫療團隊也是如此。

I knew that there should be somebody,

我知道應該有人在那裡陪伴，

somebody who was there, somebody who could be with us

有人可以陪同我們度過。

to walk alongside us.

Somebody who could listen to us, offer resources,

有人可以傾聽我們，提供資源，

hold our hands, hold our hearts,

握著我們的手，撫慰我們的心靈，

bear witness to our pain, help us sort through information,

見證我們的痛苦，幫助我們釐清資訊，

tell us that we were doing the best that we could

告訴我們，在最壞的情況下， 我們已盡了最大的努力。

with the worst that we were dealt.

But I couldn't find anybody.

但我找不到這樣的人。

So I became that someone for other people.

因此，我成為了那個人， 為其他人提供這樣的協助。

I sit deep in the trench with folks as they prepare for death.

當人們準備面對死亡時， 我和他們一起坐在戰壕深處。

There's no fixing or saving anything

不需要去修補或拯救什麼，

because there's no fixing or saving grief or death.

因為哀傷、死亡無以修補或拯救。

It just is, I meet people where they are at.

我只是以人們當下的狀態， 如實與他們相會，

My goal is to help them answer the question:

我的目標是幫助他們回答這個問題：

"What must I do to be at peace with myself

「我應該怎麼做才能找到平靜，

so that I may live presently and die gracefully,

讓我活在當下，優雅面對死亡，

holding both at the same time?"

兩者兼顧？」

When I'm thinking about my present life

當我從優雅死亡的角度 考量我現在的生活時，

from the vantage point of my graceful death,

I can see very clearly who I want to be,

我清楚知道，我想成為怎樣的人，

how I want to spend my time

如何使用我的時間，

and what of me I'll leave behind.

以及，我要留下什麼。

It allows me to consciously curate my life right now

這讓我能有意識地 精心策劃現在的生活，

and also figure out my little "whys" right now.

並找出我現在的小小的目的。

Because what are we waiting for, anyway?

因為，不然我們還在等什麼呢？

Like, death?

死亡嗎？

I used to think dying people had it all figured out, though.

我曾以為臨終的人全盤了解人生，

I used to think that they'd lay there with their hands like this

我以為他們會這樣，把手放在這裡，

because we all know this is like, universal dying person pose.

因為我們都知道 這是臨終者的共同姿勢。

所以他們把手這樣放著，

So they'd lay there with their hands like this,

眼中閃現一絲光芒，

and there'd be a little glimmer in their eye,

他們會說：「哦，是的， 終於，一切都說得通。」

they'd be like, "Oh, yes, finally, it all makes sense."

結果事實並非如此， 看起來並不是這樣的。

Turns out it's not like that at all, it doesn't look like that.

好萊塢一直在騙我們， 這一點我們已經知道。

灰姑娘的故事不合情理， 但這個更是公然的謊言。

Hollywood has lied to us, we know that already.

Cinderella was unconscionable, but this is just flagrant.

根本不是那樣的。

當你快要死的時候， 要做的事實在是太多了。

It's not like that at all.

It's way too much work to be doing while you're dying.

所以看起來不是那樣的， 不會有什麼秘密，

也不會有什麼神奇的發現。

So it doesn't look like that, there's no secret,

就只是這樣，沒什麼了悟， 也沒什麼大秘密。

there's nothing magically you'll find out then.

This is it, there's nothing to figure out, no big secret at all.

我的許多客戶到了生命盡頭時，

Many of my clients also reached the end of their lives

會希望自己能有更多的時間。

wishing that they had more time.

但我總是很好奇， 要更多的時間做什麼？

But I'm always curious, more time for what?

他們會用剩下的時間做什麼？

What else would they do with the time that they had?

我可以告訴你，很少是去看馬丘比丘。

It's rarely to go see Machu Picchu, OK, I'll tell you that.

Can I tell you a story?

我可以講個故事嗎？

OK, so this client is a composite,

好，這個客戶是綜合體， 很多客戶的故事合併在一起，

very many clients shoved together because as juicy as their stories are,

儘管他們的個別故事 引人入勝，但我無權講述。

it's not my responsibility or job to tell them.

So this is many clients together,

我要說的是很多客戶的綜合體，

and I find that it's an easy composite to make

我發現這組合得來不費力，

because it's universally applicable.

因為這個故事是普遍適用的。

This applies whether or not somebody has worked their entire life

無論你是否一輩子都在工作，

or sits on a big trust fund or works three jobs to keep the lights on.

或者坐擁龐大的信託基金、 還是兼三份工作來糊口，這都適用。

You might find bits of yourself in this story.

你或許會在這故事中找到自己的影子。

This client is somebody who had a decent amount of privilege,

這位客戶擁有相當多的優渥條件，

but not without adversity, of course, because she's human.

當然，並非沒有逆境，因為她是人。

她有份很棒的工作，傑出的職涯， 是一位真正的開拓者。

She had a great job, great career, had been a real trailblazer.

Kids who she loved, who she was proud of,

她有深愛的孩子，以他們為豪，

good friends, traveled a bunch,

她有摯友，也周遊世界，

did a bunch of great things in her life, had plenty of romance and love.

一生中做了很多了不起的事情， 擁有豐富的情史和愛情。

She was doing OK.

她過得還不錯。

The girl who had everything.

是個擁有一切的女孩。

And then came a plot twist.

然後，劇情發生了轉折。

That plot twist was an aggressive bone cancer

這轉折來自一種侵襲性骨癌，

that was likely going to kill her.

極可能奪走她的性命。

And with that plot twist came a sense of pointlessness to her life.

因為這個逆轉， 她的生活變得毫無意義。

She couldn’t figure out what she’d been doing for the past 60-odd years

她搞不清這六十多年來 自己到底在做什麼，

because she'd been so busy doing.

因為她實在是太忙了。

While she was healthy,

健康的時候，

it was about the next career milestone or what's happening with the kids next

她關注的是下一個職涯里程碑， 孩子的下一步發展，

或者下一次旅行。

or the next trip.

當她生病時，情況更是如此。

When she was sick, more of the same.

下一次約診、下一次掃描、 下一次藥物治療。

Next doctor's appointment, next scan, next medication.

她總是忙於轉移注意力， 逃避她在生活中遇到的困難，

She was so busy distracting herself from like, the difficulty

that she found in her life,

staying out of her body

忽視身體狀況，

這樣她就不必面對眼前發生的事情。

so that she didn't have to be present with what was going on.

It was always out there, she was always looking out there.

她的關注總是在外面，總是向外看。

But death was coming to remind her that she had no more "out theres."

但死亡的到來提醒她， 她已經不再有「外面的世界」了。

That it was always only right here,

世界一直就在這裡，

where there is nothing at all to do

除了存在之外， 沒有什麼可做的。

but simply to be.

We zoomed out on her life to look at what she enjoyed,

我們放大觀察她的生活， 看看她喜歡什麼，

to see where she placed value,

看看她賦予價值的地方，

because from there we can figure out where we place meaning.

因為在那裡，我們可以找到意義所在。

And it turns out it wasn't about the kids or the work or the money.

結果發現，這與孩子、 工作或金錢都無關。

It was about the little things.

這關乎小事情。

Her hands in the soil.

她的手埋在土壤中。

Her garden.

她的花園。

Building a fire, reading books and food.

生火、讀書和食物。

She loved to eat,

她喜歡吃東西，

but she had dieted most of her adult life.

但她成年期的大部分時間都在節食。

The sound at all familiar to anybody?

這每個人聽起來都覺得熟悉嗎？

OK, if it does, this is for you, OK?

如果是，以下的話送給你，好嗎？

If you take nothing away, hear this:

假如你還沒得到啟發，聽著：

you are going to die, so please eat the cake.

你將會死去，所以吃蛋糕吧！

Eat the cake, order the dessert,

吃蛋糕，點甜點，

eat the french fries, eat the brownies.

吃薯條，吃布朗尼蛋糕。

Eat everything you want to, just eat it, because you're going to die.

想吃什麼就吃什麼，因為你將會死去。

One day, you won't be able to anymore.

總有一天，你無法再這樣做。

At this point in her disease process, chemotherapy had ravaged her taste buds,

在她患病的某個階段， 化療摧殘了她的味蕾，

so she had to rely on her sense of smell to get pleasure out of eating.

所以她必須依靠嗅覺 來獲得進食的愉悅感。

And she ate.

她吃了。

She did it as much as she could

她盡量多吃，

because she knew she wouldn't be able to for much longer.

因為她知道自己很快 就無法再這樣做了。

She ate as much as cancer would allow,

她盡可能吃了許多癌症允許的食物，

and when her body could no longer process food,

當她的身體再也無法消化食物時，

we placed her favorite passion fruit soufflé right on her lip,

我們將她最愛的百香果蛋奶酥 放在她的嘴唇上，

and she would lick it and smile.

她會舔著它微笑。

She lived more in the last eight months or so of her life

在她生命的最後八個月左右，

with the help of hospice than she had before.

通過臨終關懷的協助， 她過得比以前更加充實。

She was finally present, at home in her body,

她終於活在當下，自在感受身體，

delighting in the richness of the sensory experience we have

享受著所擁有的豐富感官體驗，

by virtue of these fantastical bodies that we will die in.

就在這即將逝去的奇妙身體裏。

These bodies that we will die in.

我們也將在這樣的身體裏死去。

She was also really curious about her legacy.

同時，她也很好奇她的遺澤。

What, if anything, she'd leave behind.

如果有的話，她會留下什麼。

But leaving a legacy isn't optional.

但留下什麼遺澤並由不得你選擇。

We're doing it every single day.

我們每天都留下些什麼。

You're doing it with every smile, every word, every kind word,

你的每一次微笑、

每一句話、每一句 友善話語、嚴厲言詞、

every harsh word,

每一個行動、每一個不作為、

every action, every inaction, every dollar you spend.

你花出的每一分錢，

You're telling the people who are paying attention

都在告訴那些注意到的人

你的為人，

exactly who you are,

當你離世，他們就會這樣講述你。

and that is what they'll tell of you when you are gone.

At her funeral,

在她的葬禮上，

despite all of her career accomplishments, nobody talked about any of that.

儘管她有許多職業成就， 但沒有人談論這些。

他們談論的是她的為人， 沒有人在乎她的成就。

They talked about who she was, nobody cared about what she'd done.

當我們專注於生產力時，

When we focus on our productivity,

we highlight what we have to do to feel worthy,

我們強調必須做事才感到有價值，

rather than who we get to be,

而不是我們可以成為的樣貌；

where worthiness is our birthright

然而我們與生俱來就有價值， 我們生而為人。

and we are human.

(Applause)

（掌聲）

We're human.

我們是人。

Messily, magically, fantastically,

我們有缺陷，是神奇、美妙、

beautifully, briefly,

優雅、短暫、

perfectly human.

十足的人類。

Now humans are meaning-making machines.

人類是創造意義的機器。

We can make a story out of anything and make it sound good.

我們可以將任何事情說成故事， 而且是好聽的故事。

So why not then make meaning out of the magic of the mundane?

那麼，何不為平凡的魔力賦予意義呢？

And absolve ourselves of the responsibility

何不免除我們必須努力實現 某種宏偉人生目標的責任呢？

of trying to have some grand life purpose?

Why not just give ourselves permission to be fully human,

何不允許自己成為一個完整的人，

to be fallible, to be messy, to be here while we're here?

允許自己犯錯，允許自己混亂， 讓我們在這裡的時候，就在當下？

I mean, is nobody else tripping out over the fact

我是說，你們不會因為

我們就住在太空中旋轉的 藍色巨石上而深感驚訝嗎？

that we're on a giant blue rock spinning through space?

Y'all don't trip about that, because I do regularly.

你們都不覺得？我倒是常感到訝異。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And then what really trips me out is that while that's going on,

真正讓我困惑的是， 當這一切奇蹟發生時，

we're getting bent out of shape over traffic.

我們卻只因塞車而感到沮喪。

Please let the cars merge, OK?

拜託，讓車輛匯入，好嗎？

Can we agree universally we're going to let people merge?

我們可以達成共識， 讓別人匯入車道嗎？

Let them merge, let them merge.

讓他們匯入，讓他們匯入。

Let them merge.

It requires nothing of you, just to give them a little bit of time.

不需要你付出什麼， 只需給他們一點時間。

And in fact, it's probably taking more time off your life

事實上，當你不想讓別人匯車時，

by all the high blood pressure when you don't want to let them merge.

你可能因為高血壓而付出更多時間。

就讓他們匯入吧！沒問題的， 每個人都好，沒關係。

Just let them in, it'll be fine, everybody's fine, it's OK.

Hold life lightly.

輕輕地把握生活。

We've got to hold life really, really lightly.

我們得非常非常輕鬆地對待生活。

We are all dying.

我們都會死的。

We're all dying.

我們都會死的。

Now I can understand why people maybe don't want to talk about death

我可以理解為什麼人們 不想談論或想到死亡。

or think about it.

死亡令人不安。

It's uncomfortable.

It's sad, it's scary, icky.

死亡很悲傷、可怕、噁心。

Acknowledging your death means that you are not the center of the story,

認知到自己會死，意味著 你不是故事的中心，

and that is disquieting to the very fragile human ego.

對脆弱的人類自我來說， 這令人不安。

Acknowledging your mortality also means acknowledging our powerlessness

承認自己的有限性也意味著

承認我們在生活中 無能為力，也缺乏控制。

and lack of control we have in life.

Also icky.

同樣令人討厭。

It also means surrendering to the big "I don't knows" of life

這也意味著向生活中「我不知道」

and also the really big "I don't knows"

和「我們死後，會發生什麼事 （如果有的話）」

of "what, if anything, happens after we die?"

這兩個巨大的未知領域臣服。

But since we don't know,

不過，既然我們不知道，

why not imagine something absurd,

為什麼不想像某些荒謬、

something glorious, something huge?

光榮、盛大的情況呢？

A vision that actually serves you

一個真正對你有益的願景，

rather than makes you want to recoil in fear.

不會讓你因恐懼而退縮。

We could.

我們可以做到。

You want to hear my working theory?

想聽聽我的初步假想嗎？

It's absurd, OK?

滿荒謬的，可以嗎？

And please remember, even though I might kind of look like Miss Cleo,

請記住，即使我看起來 有點像通靈者克萊奧小姐，

我對死後會發生什麼事 一無所知，好嗎？

I don't know anything about what happens after we die, alright?

這只是一個想法。好的。

This is just an idea, OK.

So I'm on my deathbed.

我在臨終病榻上，

On the outside, they are clapping.

外面，人們在鼓掌。

On the inside -- well, I've hit my death pose, all right?

在裡面，我已經擺出死亡姿勢，好嗎？

I'm in my death pose.

我擺出臨終的姿勢。

On the inside,

在內心深處，

I'm starting to feel everything I ever felt in this body,

我開始感受到我在這個身體 所經歷的一切情感

all at the same time.

同時湧上心頭。

It's all starting to gather up in my body all at the same time.

這些情感同時在我的身體中匯聚。

Like that one time I was 11 and I stepped on a frog.

比如，11 歲的時候 我踩到一隻青蛙。

I mean, poor frog, and I felt so bad,

可憐的青蛙，我很過意不去，

but I was barefoot, ew,

不過，我那時候光著腳，噁，

like, I can still feel it squishing up between my toes.

我仍然可以感覺到 牠在我的腳趾間擠壓的感覺。

Yuck.

噁心。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

When you bite into an orange and the juice squirts into your mouth,

咬一口柳橙時， 果汁噴進嘴裡，

and then there's the little bite in your jaw,

然後下顎感覺有點刺刺的，

there's a little bite in your jaw because it's sour.

因為柳橙是酸的。

Or when you first bite into a fried plantain.

或咬第一口炸熟的芭蕉、

Or getting into clean sheets, that feeling gathering in my body,

躺在乾淨的床單上，

這些感覺湧現在我的身體裏，

all the feelings, getting into a hot shower,

所有的感受，踏入熱水淋浴，

listening to a song that you love for the very first time,

第一次聽那首鍾愛的歌曲，

I'm hearing Stevie Wonder "As" playing,

我聽到史提夫·汪達的 《As》歌曲在播放，

how I feel my spirit when I see the color yellow.

看到黃色時，我能感受到我的靈魂。

Just all these feelings are starting to roll up in my body.

所有感覺開始在我的身體裡湧動。

My niece’s laughter, my nephew trying to teach me how to Dougie.

我侄女的笑聲， 外甥試著教我跳道吉舞。

It did not go well.

我學得不太好。

It didn't go well, I still don't know how to do it.

進展得不順利， 我仍然不知道怎麼跳。

How I can look into my partner's eyes

當我看著我伴侶的眼睛，

and just by looking into his eyes, I can feel love in my body.

只要看著他的眼睛， 我就能在身體裏感受到愛。

All these feelings are starting to gather up in my body.

所有感受都開始在體內湧現。

At the same time, I'm also feeling every little bit of pain I've ever felt

與此同時，我也感受到

身體和情感上 曾感受過的每一點痛苦。

physically and emotionally.

I'm feeling all the sensations, I'm feeling anger, feeling rage,

我感受到所有的情緒， 感受到氣憤、暴怒、

feeling frustration, feeling grief, feeling sadness,

挫折、哀悼、悲傷，

feeling all those things gathering up in my body.

這些感覺都在我的身體裏匯聚。

I'm feeling despair, desperation, sadness.

我感受到絕望、渴求、悲傷。

I'm feeling insecurity.

我感到缺乏信心。

All the crippling doubt,

令人動彈不得的自我懷疑，

I'm feeling all the failures, all the disappointments.

我感受到許多失敗，許多失望。

Every single time I thought I couldn't make it through the day,

每當我以為自己無法撐過這一天時，

It's all starting to gather up in my body.

這一切都開始在我體內湧現。

I'm also remembering every single time I did get up.

我也記得每一次我都重新站起來。

所以我也感受到 感受過的所有希望，

So I'm also feeling all the hope,

所有的喜悅，所有的驚奇， 所有的神秘，所有的自由。

all the joy, all the awe, all the mystery,

all the freedom that I feel in this body.

But most of all, I'm also feeling all of the love,

但最重要的是，我也感受到所有的愛，

all the aching love that underwrites it all.

支撐著一切的渴求的愛。

And when I cannot take it anymore,

當我再也無法容納，

I am saturated with this experience that I've had,

這一切感受達到飽和，

poof, I explode into a cosmic orgasm.

蹦一聲，我爆開，成為宇宙性高潮。

Audience: Yes!

觀眾：是的！

AA: Yes.

AA：是的。

就像破開的皮納塔一樣，

And like a pinata that's broken open,

閃閃發光的碎片開始從天而降。

pieces of glitter start to fall from the sky.

Glitter confetti, falling, falling.

閃閃發光的五彩紙屑，飄落，飄落。

Orange, pink, purple, yellow, turquoise, everything.

橙色、粉色、紫色、黃色、 綠松石色，應有盡有。

Gold, silver, falling, falling, falling, like a really soft snow shower.

金色、銀色，飄落、飄落、飄落， 就像輕柔的雪花飄落。

Falling everywhere.

無處不在地飄落。

In larger concentrations on the people who loved me.

在愛我的人身上，數量多一些。

And in lesser concentration on those people whose lives I touched.

在我生活中接觸的人身上， 數量少一點。

And then the rest of it just gets reabsorbed

然後剩下的就被重新吸收到

into a big undulating glitter wave

一個巨大、起伏不定的閃爍波浪中，

that goes on all around as far as I can see,

在我所見的範圍內，

for all of eternity that envelops and encompasses us all.

永遠包圍著我們所有人。

Maybe it's just glitter.

也許這只是閃亮粉。

Could it be?

可能嗎？

It could be anything.

可以是任何東西。

All I know is at that point, all I believe is at that point,

我所知道的是， 在那一刻，我所相信的是，

when the glitter, all the pieces of me have been reencompassed,

在閃亮彩紙、我的每個碎片 都被重新包容之後，

the I that I think of myself as,

我所認為的自己，

Alua Adwoba Arthur,

阿魯亞·亞瑟，

having this one single solitary human experience,

這個獨一無二的人類經歷，

has been reenveloped into all that ever was

已經被重新融入了所有曾經存在

and all that ever will be,

和即將存在的一切中，

And it is complete.

成為整體。

And I am safe.

我很安全。

I am still far from where I was in Cuba.

我已離古巴那個時候的我很遠。

At that point, my death would have come as a relief.

在那個時候，死亡會為我帶來解脫，

An ending to my pain and to my suffering

代表我的痛苦和磨難的結束，

and a way out of this life that I couldn't quite figure out how to get into.

也是我的出路，擺脫 那我不知如何融入的生命。

If I'm to die today,

如果我今天死去，

I know that my death will come as a celebration.

我知道我的死亡將成為一場慶祝，

As a culmination of a life lived in and loved.

是已然好好活過、愛過的生命頂點，

A life that's worth dying from.

是值得為之而死的生命。

After the last decade spent supporting people

過去十年來，我一直在支持人們

as they think through their lives and prepare for their death,

思考生活並為死亡做準備。

I know,

我知道，

I trust that the real gift in being with our mortality

我相信，與死亡共存的真正禮物

is the sheer wonder that we live at all.

是活著的這個純粹奇蹟。

That's all I got.

這就是我想分享給你的。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Cheers and applause)

（歡呼聲和掌聲）