A Second Chance for Fathers to Connect with Their Kids | Charles C. Daniels, Jr. | TED

翻译人员: Frank Xu 校对人员: Yan Li Xiao

Did you know

你知道

that an estimated 10 million children in the United States

据估计在美国 有一千万孩子

see their fathers less than once a month?

与他们的父亲见面 还不到每个月一次吗？

Research tells us what happens to boys and girls without dads

研究告诉我们在他们生活中没有父亲 或稳定父亲形象的男孩和女孩们

or stable father figures in their lives.

会遭受什么。

Poverty rates double,

贫困机率翻倍，

emotional and behavioral health issues increase,

情绪和行为问题增长，

high school dropout rates increase, as do crime and prison rates.

高中辍学率增长， 犯罪率和入狱率也是。

And I was no different.

而我也一样。

I grew up in Georgia without my father.

我在佐治亚州没有父亲的情况下长大。

My mother raised me.

我妈妈养大了我。

And let me tell you something about my mom.

让我和你说些我妈妈的事。

Every day before school, she would look me in the eyes and say to me,

每天上学前， 她会看着我的眼睛并对我说，

"You are tall, dark and handsome."

“你个子高、皮肤黑而且英俊。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

"And you can do anything you want in this world

“而且只要你用心，在这世上

if you put your mind to it."

你能做你想做的任何事。”

But I didn't believe her.

但我没相信她。

I struggled.

我挣扎过。

Behavioral issues,

行为问题、

substance abuse issues,

药物滥用问题、

suicidal ideation.

自杀倾向。

I blamed myself for my father being absent.

我把父亲的缺失怪在自己身上。

I remember I was in college.

我记得我在大学时，

In my room by myself.

自己一人在我的房间里。

"God, you have to help me use my pain."

“上帝啊，你得帮我运用我的痛苦。”

So I went on a journey to find my father.

所以我踏上了一场寻找我父亲的旅程。

And what I found was shocking.

而我所找到的令人震惊。

My father had been experiencing an issue that he needed help in overcoming.

我的父亲经历着他需要帮助 来克服的一个问题。

He was experiencing his own pain.

他正经历着他自己的苦楚。

His absence was not my fault.

他的缺席不是我的过错。

And in a way, not his fault.

并且在某种程度上，不是他的过错。

Then I thought to myself,

之后我自己心想，

what if my father would have had a caring group of neighbors

要是我的父亲有过 一群热心的邻居

to support him?

来支持他呢？

It would have made a difference for the both of us.

那样我们两人都会受过影响。

Now, there's a lot of reasons that keep fathers separated from their children.

那么，有很多原因将父亲们 和他们的孩子们拆散。

There are the ones you might think of right away,

其中有那些你们可能马上就想到的，

like estrangement from a mother,

像与母亲的疏远、

substance abuse, sickness and incarceration.

药物滥用、疾病 以及被判入狱。

But the reasons that don't get talked about enough

但是没有得到 足够探讨的原因

are the ones that exacerbate the problem.

才是那些加重问题的。

Those are the emotions we don't talk about enough.

那些是我们 没有太多讨论的情绪。

I'm talking about shame.

我在说的是羞耻。

Guilt.

负罪感。

And embarrassment.

以及难堪。

These emotions can cause so much harm

这些情绪能够造成父亲缺失以外

beyond the absence.

太多太多的伤害。

Ben was a 32-year-old father

本曾是一位三十二岁的父亲，

at an agency that I run called Fathers’ UpLift,

他在我运营的一家 叫父亲的激励的机构，

where we help fathers love, forgive and heal.

在那我们帮助父亲们去爱、 原谅还有恢复。

And in doing so,

而这样做时，

they learn to find the beauty in the pain they've experienced.

他们学习去找到他们 所经历痛苦中的美好。

Now one might ask, how can pain be beautiful?

那么有人可能会问， 痛苦怎么能是美好的呢？

At Fathers' UpLift, we believe that pain gives you character,

在父亲的激励，我们相信 痛苦给予你品质、

strength and courage.

力量还有勇气。

More importantly, there is a mystery on the other side of pain.

更重要的是，在痛苦的另一面 有一个秘密。

For the population we work with,

对我们所从事工作的人来说，

that mystery is a father's child.

那个秘密是一个父亲的孩子。

The warm embrace with your child on the other side of the mystery,

在秘密的另一面 与你孩子的温暖深拥，

that is beauty.

那就是美好。

Ben spent four years separated from his child

本与他的孩子分开了四年

due to co-parenting issues.

由于共同抚养的问题。

restraining orders

限制令

and challenges navigating the family court.

还有应对家事法院的挑战。

But he also experienced shame

但他还经历了

from not being able to see his daughter daily,

源自于无法每天 见到他的女儿的羞耻，

guilt because he was absent

因为他缺席的罪恶感，

and embarrassment because he was unable to spend time with his daughter

还有因为他不能持续与他女儿相处的

on a consistent basis.

难堪。

Now it is imperative to note

那么必须要注意的是，

that as we stand here today,

在我们今天站在这里时，

that through prior relationships men learn to love and hate.

也就是男人们从 过往关系里来学习爱恨。

Some of us have limited experience with love.

我们中的一些人对爱经验有限。

Therefore, relationships that emphasize self-love

因此，强调自爱的人际关系

play an essential role in the work we do.

在我们的工作中扮演一个必要角色。

Lifelong relationships are integral to our efforts,

终生不渝的关系 对我们的努力是必要的，

with specific emphasis on an individual's ability

还有对个人模仿新行为

to mirror new behavior and connections.

以及审视新人际 关系能力的特别强调。

Now, while many fathers like Ben come to our agency

现在，有很多像本一样的父亲

through social service agencies and correctional facilities,

通过社会服务机构和惩教设施 找到我们的机构，

many of them come to us through word of mouth.

他们中很多还借着口口相传 找到我们。

They come to our clinic and can work one-on-one

他们到我们的诊所来 而且能够一对一地

with a licensed therapist and coach.

和认证心理治疗师还有教练协作。

A team of individuals that provide guidance,

一个以提供咨询， 支持还有指导的人们

advocacy and mentorship.

组成的团队。

We also offer group therapy.

我们也提供团队治疗。

In groups of five to 25 fathers or more,

在由 5 到 25 或更多名父亲组成的小组里，

they share stories about their children and comfort one another

他们分享关于他们孩子的故事，

as they work to achieve a common goal.

并在他们为一个共同 目标努力的时候互相安慰。

They hear stories of triumph and struggle

他们听到关于胜利和挣扎的故事，

and pour into one another whenever there is a need.

然后在任何有需要的时候互相倾诉。

Together, we ensure that fathers are mentally

在一起，我们确保父亲们在精神上

and emotionally prepared to be in their children's lives.

和情绪上准备好共度孩子们的人生。

And when their father has achieved his goal,

而当他们的父亲 已经完成了他的目标，

he is invited to come back and be an ambassador

他被邀请回来并且成为一位大使

and pay it forward.

并把善举传下去。

And last but not least,

最后不能不提的是，

we ensure that mental health providers,

我们确保精神保健提供者、

universities and institutions

大学还有机构，

have the tools they need to engage fathers wherever they are throughout the world,

通过我们的网上和现场指导，

through our online and in-person instruction.

不论在世界上哪里都有他们需要 与父亲们衔接的工具。

(Applause)

（掌声）

We work with fathers as long as they need us.

父亲们需要我们多久， 我们就和他们合作多久。

Or, in other words, until they fire us.

或用另外的话说， 直到他们炒我们鱿鱼。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Now there is no easy formula here.

这里没有简易公式。

Every dad is different.

每位父亲是不同的。

Every kid is different.

每个孩子是不同的。

Every story is different.

每个故事是不同的。

But there are a few things we do every time.

但有几件事我们每次都做。

We are loving our fathers and the fatherless back to life.

我们用爱复活我们的父亲 还有没爸爸的孩子。

(Applause)

（掌声）

We hug our fathers.

我们拥抱我们的父亲。

We celebrate them on birthdays and holidays with a call

我们在生日和节日赞颂他们，

to let them know how much we appreciate them.

用一通电话来然他们知道 我们有多感谢他们。

And we assume that they have the power to achieve their goals.

并且我们假定他们拥有 达成他们目标的能力。

We are a consistent source of support for them

在他们努力处理 他们过去犯下的错误时，

as they work to process the mistakes they've made in the past.

我们是他们一个不断的支持来源。

For the last few years, we’ve served over 10,000 fathers in their families.

在过去几年，我们已经在他们的家中 服务过超过一万名父亲。

(Applause)

（掌声）

We've seen fathers accomplish goals,

我们看到过父亲们达成目标，

such as gaining shared custody of their children,

比如获得他们孩子们的共同抚养权，

loving themselves again

再次爱护自己，

and gaining a newfound appreciation

以及获得新一份对他们人生中

for everything they have experienced in their life.

经历的每件事的感激。

All of our fathers enter our doors feeling hopeless.

我们这的所有父亲们 进门的时候都是绝望的。

But when they leave,

但在他们离开时，

over 90 percent of them say they have an improved sense of identity

超过九成说他们有更好的身份认知

and self-worth.

和自我价值感。

We've helped fathers released from jail and prison

我们帮助过被从监狱 和拘留所释放的父亲们

return home with their worth, their dignity and their self-respect.

来带着他们的价值、 尊严还有自尊回家。

(Applause)

（掌声）

And of course,

当然还有，

our work just doesn't benefit fathers.

我们的工作不止利于父亲们。

It's for the kids too.

对孩子们也是。

A kid blaming himself for something he doesn't understand.

一个为他不理解的事 责怪自己的孩子。

The kid like I was, who struggled

一个像我当时一样的孩子，挣扎过

and who didn't understand that fathers are human too.

且不理解父亲们也是凡人的孩子。

My father's absence inspired me to create a safe haven for fathers nationwide.

我父亲的缺席启发了我， 为全国的父亲们创造一个避风港。

And truth be told,

而就事实说，

my father is currently leading a life separated from me

在我们今天对话的同时，

as we speak today.

我父亲现在过着与我分开的生活。

Unfortunately, it is not a perfect ending.

不幸的是，那不是一个完美的结局。

But it is an important one.

但它是重要的。

It sheds light on the fact that fathers hurt too.

它揭示了父亲们也会受伤这事实。

And it is our responsibility to love them back to life whenever the need exist.

而在需要的时候用爱 来帮助他们恢复是我们的责任。

As I stand on the stage,

现在站在这个舞台上，

I can't stop thinking about my seven-year-old son, Clayton,

我无法不想我的七岁儿子，克莱顿，

and my one-year-old daughter, SaMya Grace.

还有我的一岁女儿， 萨米娅·格蕾丝 （SaMya Grace）。

The other day, I asked Clayton,

有一天，我问克莱顿，

"What kind of father am I?"

“我是什么样的父亲？”

He looked at me and said,

他看着我并说，

"Um, you have a mustache,"

“嗯，你有一撮胡子，”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"Long hair," this was before the haircut, may I add.

“长头发，”这是在我剪发前，我补充下。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"And even a new computer."

“甚至还有一台新电脑。”

I was like, "OK, this is true, son."

我当时说，“啊，这是真的，儿子。”

He goes on to say,

他继续说道，

"I love it when you buy me games," before hugging me --

“我喜欢你给我买游戏，” 在他拥抱我前——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And running back to his room.

然后跑回了他的房间。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And SaMya Grace.

而萨米娅·格蕾丝。

Every time I ask her for a kiss,

每次我让她亲一下我，

she puckers up her lips and she runs to kiss me with an enormous smile.

她撅起她的嘴唇 然后跑过来带着大大的微笑亲我。

That makes my day every time.

那每次都让我心情特好。

When moments like these occur,

在这些瞬间发生时，

I understand that I have the privilege to be present,

我明白了我有幸在他们身边，

unlike many of the fathers that walk through our doors for the first time.

不像很多第一次进我们门的父亲们。

Like them, I am far from perfect.

像他们一样，我离完美差得远。

Despite my mistakes,

尽管我有错误，

my greatest achievement is being Clayton and SaMya's father.

我最大的成就是作为克莱顿 还有萨米娅·格蕾丝的父亲。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Millions of fathers today,

如今数百万的父亲们，

regardless of their location,

不论他们在哪，

can say the same thing.

都能说一样的话。

I must admit,

我必须承认，

if it had not been for the individuals in my life

如果不是我生命中的人

that reminded me of how valuable I was,

提醒了我我有多重要，

I would not be here today.

我今天不会在这里。

I'm more than thankful for them that they loved me back to life.

我非常感谢他们 用爱治愈了我。

Fathers that have been absent, regardless of their past mistakes,

缺席的父亲们， 不管他们过去犯过什么错误，

deserve a lifeline.

都值得得到救助。

And if we are deserving,

而如果我们值得，

so are the ones who have lost their way.

迷失人生方向的那些人也值得。

Take a moment with me.

和我一起花一点时间。

Fifteen seconds.

15 秒。

And I'll keep the time.

我会计时。

Think about the people who loved you when you lost your way.

想想那些在你迷茫时爱过你的人。

Who huged you when you needed it.

在你需要时拥抱过你的人。

Who assumed best intention.

带着最好的意图的人。

Who validated you.

给你肯定的人。

And embraced you even when you felt undeserving.

还有在你感到自己不值时 接纳你的人。

Whoever came to mind,

不管你想到了谁，

try, just try and be that to someone else.

试一下，简单的试一下 并为别人扮演同样的角色。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）