A Second Chance for Fathers to Connect with Their Kids | Charles C. Daniels, Jr. | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

Did you know

各位可知道，

that an estimated 10 million children in the United States

在美國，估計有一千萬名孩童

see their fathers less than once a month?

見到父親的頻率低於一個月一次？

Research tells us what happens to boys and girls without dads

研究告訴我們

當男孩和女孩在生命中沒有父親

or stable father figures in their lives.

或像父親的穩定角色時會怎樣。

Poverty rates double,

貧窮率會加倍，

emotional and behavioral health issues increase,

情緒及行為的健康問題會增加，

high school dropout rates increase, as do crime and prison rates.

高中輟學率增加，

犯罪率和監禁率也會增加。

And I was no different.

我也不例外。

I grew up in Georgia without my father.

我在喬治亞州長大， 過程中父親缺席。

My mother raised me.

我母親扶養我。

And let me tell you something about my mom.

讓我跟各位說說我母親。

Every day before school, she would look me in the eyes and say to me,

每天上學前，她會看著 我的雙眼並對我說：

"You are tall, dark and handsome."

「你很高、

很黑，也很英俊。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

"And you can do anything you want in this world

「在這個世界上，不論什麼事，

if you put your mind to it."

只要你下決心要做就能做到。」

But I didn't believe her.

但我並不相信她。

I struggled.

我很掙扎。

Behavioral issues,

行為問題，

substance abuse issues,

藥物濫用問題，

suicidal ideation.

自殺意念。

I blamed myself for my father being absent.

我認為我父親的缺席是我的錯。

I remember I was in college.

我還記得我讀大學的時候，

In my room by myself.

我一個人在房間裡。

"God, you have to help me use my pain."

「上帝，

祢得協助我運用我的痛苦。」

So I went on a journey to find my father.

於是我展開尋找父親的旅程。

And what I found was shocking.

我的發現讓我很震驚。

My father had been experiencing an issue that he needed help in overcoming.

我父親一直有個問題，

他需要別人協助他克服。

He was experiencing his own pain.

他在經歷他自己的痛苦。

His absence was not my fault.

他不在，

不是我的錯。

And in a way, not his fault.

某種意義上，

也不是他的錯。

Then I thought to myself,

接著，我心想，

what if my father would have had a caring group of neighbors

如果當初能有一個鄰居組成的 照顧團體來支持我父親呢？

to support him?

It would have made a difference for the both of us.

對我和他都能造成不同。

Now, there's a lot of reasons that keep fathers separated from their children.

有很多原因

會讓父親和他們的孩子分開。

There are the ones you might think of right away,

有些是各位馬上可以想到的，

like estrangement from a mother,

比如和母親失和、

substance abuse, sickness and incarceration.

藥物濫用、

生病，

以及監禁。

But the reasons that don't get talked about enough

但，大家很少去談的原因，

are the ones that exacerbate the problem.

反而才是會讓問題更惡化的原因。

Those are the emotions we don't talk about enough.

那些原因，就是 我們很少在談的情緒。

I'm talking about shame.

我指的是羞恥感、

Guilt.

罪惡感，

And embarrassment.

和難堪。

These emotions can cause so much harm

這些情緒

能造成好大的傷害，

beyond the absence.

遠比缺席本身更嚴重。

Ben was a 32-year-old father

班，

他是個三十二歲的父親，

at an agency that I run called Fathers’ UpLift,

他在我經營的機構「父親的振作」，

where we help fathers love, forgive and heal.

這個機構旨在協助父親 去愛、去寬恕，並療癒。

And in doing so,

透過這麼做，

they learn to find the beauty in the pain they've experienced.

他們也會學到在他們 所經歷的痛苦中找到美好。

Now one might ask, how can pain be beautiful?

有人可能會問，

痛苦能有什麼美好？

At Fathers' UpLift, we believe that pain gives you character,

在「父親的振作」， 我們相信痛苦能帶給你骨氣、

strength and courage.

力量，和勇氣。

More importantly, there is a mystery on the other side of pain.

更重要的是，在痛苦的 另一面有一個謎。

For the population we work with,

對於我們服務的對象族群而言，

that mystery is a father's child.

那個謎就是父親的孩子。

The warm embrace with your child on the other side of the mystery,

在謎的另一面，和孩子溫暖地擁抱，

that is beauty.

那就是美好。

Ben spent four years separated from his child

班和他的孩子分離了四年，

due to co-parenting issues.

原因是共同扶養的問題、

restraining orders

禁制令，

and challenges navigating the family court.

以及家事法庭中的一些困難。

But he also experienced shame

但他也經歷到羞恥感，

from not being able to see his daughter daily,

因為無法每天見到他的女兒，

guilt because he was absent

罪惡感，因為他都缺席，

and embarrassment because he was unable to spend time with his daughter

以及難堪，因為他無法花時間

持續地陪伴女兒。

on a consistent basis.

Now it is imperative to note

很重要的是，要知道，

that as we stand here today,

當我們今天站在這裡，

that through prior relationships men learn to love and hate.

要知道，人是透過先前的

關係來學習怎麼愛、怎麼恨。

Some of us have limited experience with love.

有些人關於愛的經驗很有限。

Therefore, relationships that emphasize self-love

因此，

強調愛自己的關係，

play an essential role in the work we do.

在我們所做的工作中 扮演很關鍵的角色。

Lifelong relationships are integral to our efforts,

在我們的努力中， 不可缺少一輩子的關係，

with specific emphasis on an individual's ability

要很明確強調個人必須有能力

to mirror new behavior and connections.

反映出新的行為和連結。

Now, while many fathers like Ben come to our agency

許多像班這樣的父親， 會來我們的機構，

through social service agencies and correctional facilities,

是透過社會服務機構 和校正機關過來的，

many of them come to us through word of mouth.

當中許多人，

是聽到口碑而來找我們。

They come to our clinic and can work one-on-one

他們來到我們的診所，

能接受有證照的治療師 及教練的一對一服務。

with a licensed therapist and coach.

A team of individuals that provide guidance,

我們團隊的成員能提供指引、

advocacy and mentorship.

擁護，以及指導。

We also offer group therapy.

我們也提供團體治療。

In groups of five to 25 fathers or more,

在五到二十五名父親的 團體中，或甚至更多人，

they share stories about their children and comfort one another

他們會分享關於自己孩子的故事，

並安慰彼此，同時努力 達成一個共同的目標。

as they work to achieve a common goal.

They hear stories of triumph and struggle

他們會聽到勝利和掙扎的故事，

and pour into one another whenever there is a need.

並在任何有需要的時候，彼此傾訴。

Together, we ensure that fathers are mentally

我們一起努力確保

這些父親在心理上 和情緒上都做好了準備，

and emotionally prepared to be in their children's lives.

可以進入他們孩子的生活中。

And when their father has achieved his goal,

當孩子的父親達成了他的目標，

he is invited to come back and be an ambassador

他會受邀回來擔任大使，

and pay it forward.

服務別人來回報。

And last but not least,

最後，但也同等重要，

we ensure that mental health providers,

我們會確保

心理健康服務提供者、

universities and institutions

大學，及機構

have the tools they need to engage fathers wherever they are throughout the world,

都有他們需要的工具來連結父親， 不論他們在世界的哪個角落，

through our online and in-person instruction.

都能透過我們的線上 及面對面指導來協助。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

We work with fathers as long as they need us.

我們會一直服務父親， 只要他們需要我們，

Or, in other words, until they fire us.

或者，換個說法，

直到他們開除我們。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Now there is no easy formula here.

沒有什麼速成的公式。

Every dad is different.

每個父親都不一樣。

Every kid is different.

每個孩子都不一樣。

Every story is different.

每個故事都不一樣。

But there are a few things we do every time.

但有些事，我們每次都會做。

We are loving our fathers and the fatherless back to life.

我們用愛的方式，讓父親 及沒有父親的人能重新出發。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

We hug our fathers.

我們會擁抱我們的父親。

We celebrate them on birthdays and holidays with a call

我們會在他們的生日

和節慶時送上祝福，打通電話 讓他們知道我們多感謝他們。

to let them know how much we appreciate them.

And we assume that they have the power to achieve their goals.

我們會假設他們有 達成目標所需要的力量。

We are a consistent source of support for them

對他們來說，我們永遠 會在背後提供支持，

as they work to process the mistakes they've made in the past.

他們可以放心去處理 在過去犯下的錯誤。

For the last few years, we’ve served over 10,000 fathers in their families.

在過去幾年間，我們服務了

超過一萬名父親及其家人。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

We've seen fathers accomplish goals,

我們見過父親達成目標，

such as gaining shared custody of their children,

比如取得孩子的共同監護權、

loving themselves again

再次愛自己，

and gaining a newfound appreciation

並且用新找到的方式來欣賞感念

for everything they have experienced in their life.

他們人生中所經歷的一切。

All of our fathers enter our doors feeling hopeless.

我們服務的父親在步入 我們機構時都覺得很無望，

But when they leave,

但，他們離開時，

over 90 percent of them say they have an improved sense of identity

超過九成的人都說他們 改善了自己的身分認同感

and self-worth.

及自我價值。

We've helped fathers released from jail and prison

我們協助出獄的父親在返家時 能帶著他們的價值、

return home with their worth, their dignity and their self-respect.

他們的尊嚴，以及他們的自重。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

And of course,

當然，

our work just doesn't benefit fathers.

我們的工作不只讓父親受惠，

It's for the kids too.

也是為了孩子而做。

A kid blaming himself for something he doesn't understand.

因為自己不了解的事情 而怪罪自己的孩子。

The kid like I was, who struggled

像我以前一樣的孩子，

很掙扎，

and who didn't understand that fathers are human too.

且不了解父親其實也是凡人。

My father's absence inspired me to create a safe haven for fathers nationwide.

我父親的缺席

驅使我為全國的父親 創造了一個安全避風港。

And truth be told,

老實說，

my father is currently leading a life separated from me

此時此刻，我父親目前 正過著和我分離的生活。

as we speak today.

Unfortunately, it is not a perfect ending.

很不幸，這不是個完美的結局。

But it is an important one.

但卻是個重要的結局。

It sheds light on the fact that fathers hurt too.

它能夠說明，原來父親也會有傷痛。

And it is our responsibility to love them back to life whenever the need exist.

而我們有責任，

在任何時候，只要有需要， 就要用愛讓他們重新出發。

As I stand on the stage,

現在，我站在台上，

I can't stop thinking about my seven-year-old son, Clayton,

我無法不去想我七歲的兒子克雷頓，

and my one-year-old daughter, SaMya Grace.

以及我一歲的女兒莎瑪雅‧葛雷絲。

The other day, I asked Clayton,

有一天，

我問克雷頓：

"What kind of father am I?"

「我是怎樣的父親？」

He looked at me and said,

他看著我，說：

"Um, you have a mustache,"

「呃，你有鬍子，」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"Long hair," this was before the haircut, may I add.

「長頭髮。」容我補充， 那是在我剪頭髮之前。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"And even a new computer."

「甚至還有一台新電腦。」

I was like, "OK, this is true, son."

我說：「沒錯，兒子。」

He goes on to say,

他接著說：

"I love it when you buy me games," before hugging me --

「你買遊戲給我時我好愛你。」 然後他擁抱了我——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And running back to his room.

跑回他的房間。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And SaMya Grace.

至於莎瑪雅‧葛雷絲，

Every time I ask her for a kiss,

每當我跟她索取一個吻時，

she puckers up her lips and she runs to kiss me with an enormous smile.

她會撅起嘴脣，

帶著大大的微笑跑來親我一下。

That makes my day every time.

每次都讓我好開心。

When moments like these occur,

這種時刻出現時，我就知道 我有能陪著他們的特權，

I understand that I have the privilege to be present,

unlike many of the fathers that walk through our doors for the first time.

許多第一次步入我們機構的 父親卻沒有這種特權。

Like them, I am far from perfect.

和他們一樣，我一點也不完美。

Despite my mistakes,

儘管我會犯錯，

my greatest achievement is being Clayton and SaMya's father.

我最大的成就，就是成為 克雷頓和莎瑪雅的父親。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Millions of fathers today,

現今，有數百萬名父親，

regardless of their location,

不論他們身在何處，

can say the same thing.

都能說同樣的話。

I must admit,

我必須要承認，

if it had not been for the individuals in my life

如果不是我人生中有些人

that reminded me of how valuable I was,

提醒了我我有多麼珍貴，

I would not be here today.

我今天就不會站在這裡。

I'm more than thankful for them that they loved me back to life.

他們用愛讓我重新出發， 我的感激無法言喻。

Fathers that have been absent, regardless of their past mistakes,

缺席的父親，

不論他們過去犯過什麼錯誤，

deserve a lifeline.

都應該得到一條救生索。

And if we are deserving,

如果我們值得被援助，

so are the ones who have lost their way.

那麼迷失的那些人也同樣值得。

Take a moment with me.

跟我一起花點時間想想，

Fifteen seconds.

十五秒鐘。

And I'll keep the time.

我會計時。

Think about the people who loved you when you lost your way.

想想當你迷失時，愛你的那些人。

Who huged you when you needed it.

在你需要時給你擁抱的人。

Who assumed best intention.

展現出最好的意圖的人。

Who validated you.

肯定你的價值的人。

And embraced you even when you felt undeserving.

即使你覺得自己不配 被幫助時也接納你的人。

Whoever came to mind,

不論你想到誰，

try, just try and be that to someone else.

試試看，去試試看，

為別人扮演這樣的角色。謝謝。

Thank you.

(Applause)

（掌聲）