How to Meet Your Child's Difficult Behavior with Compassion | Yvonne Newbold | TED

70,572 views ใƒป 2023-08-21

TED


ูŠุฑุฌู‰ ุงู„ู†ู‚ุฑ ู†ู‚ุฑู‹ุง ู…ุฒุฏูˆุฌู‹ุง ููˆู‚ ุงู„ุชุฑุฌู…ุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ ุฃุฏู†ุงู‡ ู„ุชุดุบูŠู„ ุงู„ููŠุฏูŠูˆ.

ุงู„ู…ุชุฑุฌู…: Yousef Kareem ุงู„ู…ุฏู‚ู‘ู‚: Hani Eldalees
00:04
Tell me,
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ุฃุฎุจุฑู†ูŠุŒ
00:05
have you ever seen somebody else's child
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ู‡ู„ ุณุจู‚ ู„ูƒ ุฃู† ุฑุฃูŠุช ุทูู„ ุดุฎุต ุขุฎุฑ
00:10
behave appallingly in a supermarket?
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ูŠุชุตุฑู ุจุดูƒู„ ู…ุฑูˆุน ููŠ ุงู„ุณูˆุจุฑู…ุงุฑูƒุชุŸ
00:14
(Audience murmurs)
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(ุชุฐู…ุฑ ุงู„ุฌู…ู‡ูˆุฑ)
00:17
Did you secretly blame the mum for her lack of control?
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ู‡ู„ ุฃู„ู‚ูŠุช ุงู„ู„ูˆู… ุณุฑุง ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุฃู… ู„ุนุฏู… ุณูŠุทุฑุชู‡ุงุŸ
00:23
Or did you even feel a little bit smug
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ุฃูˆ ู‡ู„ ุดุนุฑุช ุญุชู‰ ุจุงู„ุชูุงุฎุฑ ู‚ู„ูŠู„ุงู‹
00:24
because you knew that your child would never behave like that?
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ู„ุฃู†ูƒ ุนุฑูุช ุฃู† ุทูู„ูƒ ู„ู† ูŠุชุตุฑู ุฃุจุฏุง ู‡ูƒุฐุงุŸ
00:30
For 10 long years I was that mum you were staring at.
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ู„ู…ุฏุฉ 10 ุณู†ูˆุงุช ุทูˆูŠู„ุฉ ูƒู†ุช ุฃู†ุง ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุฃู… ุงู„ุชูŠ ูƒู†ุช ุชุญุฏู‚ ุจู‡ุง.
00:35
And those stares hurt.
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ูˆุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู†ุธุฑุงุช ุชุคุฐูŠ.
00:37
They made me feel I was failing as a parent.
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ุฌุนู„ูˆู†ูŠ ุฃุดุนุฑ ู„ู‚ุฏ ูƒู†ุช ูุงุดู„ุงู‹ ูƒูˆุงู„ุฏุฉ.
00:41
And it wasn't just other people who I didn't know in shops
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ูˆู„ู… ูŠูƒู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ู…ุฌุฑุฏ ุฃุดุฎุงุต ุขุฎุฑูŠู† ุงู„ุฐูŠ ู„ู… ุฃูƒู† ุฃุนุฑูู‡ู… ููŠ ุงู„ู…ุญู„ุงุช ุงู„ุชุฌุงุฑูŠุฉ
00:46
that would stare and that were judging me.
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ู…ู† ุดุฃู†ู‡ ุฃู† ูŠุญุฏู‚ ูˆูŠุทู„ู‚ูˆู† ุฃุญูƒุงู…ู‡ู….
00:48
That judgment came from friends and family,
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ูˆุฌุงุก ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุญูƒู… ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุตุฏู‚ุงุก ูˆุงู„ุนุงุฆู„ุฉุŒ
00:51
from health care professionals,
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ู…ู† ุงู„ู…ุชุฎุตุตูŠู† ููŠ ุงู„ุฑุนุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ุตุญูŠุฉุŒ
00:53
from school staff and from social workers.
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ู…ู† ู…ูˆุธููŠ ุงู„ู…ุฏุฑุณุฉ ูˆู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุฎุตุงุฆูŠูŠู† ุงู„ุงุฌุชู…ุงุนูŠูŠู†.
01:00
Being judged consistently for such a long period of time
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ูŠุชู… ุงู„ุญูƒู… ุนู„ูŠู‡ ุจุงุณุชู…ุฑุงุฑ ู„ู…ุซู„ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ูุชุฑุฉ ุงู„ุทูˆูŠู„ุฉ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฒู…ู†
01:04
diminished my self-esteem and my self-confidence.
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ู‚ู„ู„ ู…ู† ุชู‚ุฏูŠุฑูŠ ู„ุฐุงุชูŠ ูˆุซู‚ุชูŠ ุจู†ูุณูŠ.
01:09
It left me feeling crushed and broken.
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ุชุฑูƒุชู†ูŠ ุฃุดุนุฑ ุจุงู„ุณุญู‚ ูˆุงู„ูƒุณุฑ.
01:11
It had a really overwhelming impact
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ูƒุงู† ู„ู‡ ุชุฃุซูŠุฑ ุณุงุญู‚ ุญู‚ู‹ุง
01:15
on my ability to be able to do anything well,
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ุนู„ู‰ ู‚ุฏุฑุชูŠ ุนู„ู‰ ุฃู† ุฃูƒูˆู† ู‚ุงุฏุฑุง ู„ูุนู„ ุฃูŠ ุดูŠุก ุจุดูƒู„ ุฌูŠุฏุŒ
01:18
including my ability to be the best parent possible
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ุจู…ุง ููŠ ุฐู„ูƒ ู‚ุฏุฑุชูŠ ุนู„ู‰ ุฃู† ุฃูƒูˆู† ุฃูุถู„ ูˆุงู„ุฏ ู…ู…ูƒู†
01:23
to my three children
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ู„ุฃุทูุงู„ูŠ ุงู„ุซู„ุงุซุฉ
01:25
at exactly the time they really needed me to be right at the top of my game.
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ููŠ ุงู„ูˆู‚ุช ุงู„ู…ุญุฏุฏ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุงุญุชุงุฌูˆู†ูŠ ููŠู‡ ุญู‚ู‹ุง ุฃู† ุฃูƒูˆู† ููŠ ู‚ู…ุฉ ู„ุนุจุชูŠ.
01:31
Now, my middle child, Toby,
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ุงู„ุขู†ุŒ ุทูู„ูŠ ุงู„ุฃูˆุณุทุŒ ุชูˆุจูŠุŒ
01:34
he's gorgeous.
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ุงู†ู‡ ุฑุงุฆุน.
01:35
He is funny, he's boisterous.
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ุฅู†ู‡ ู…ุถุญูƒุŒ ุฅู†ู‡ ุตุงุฎุจ.
01:40
He loves people.
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ูŠุญุจ ุงู„ู†ุงุณ.
01:42
But he also has a profound intellectual disability.
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ู„ุฏูŠู‡ ุฃูŠุถุง ุนู…ูŠู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุฅุนุงู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุฐู‡ู†ูŠุฉ.
01:45
He's autistic and he can't talk.
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ุฅู†ู‡ ู…ุตุงุจ ุจุงู„ุชูˆุญุฏ ูˆู„ุง ูŠุณุชุทูŠุน ุงู„ุชุญุฏุซ
01:48
And that means that, sadly,
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ูˆู‡ุฐุง ูŠุนู†ูŠ ุฃู†ู‡ุŒ ู„ู„ุฃุณูุŒ
01:50
Toby's also had to get used to being judged and stared at as well.
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ูƒุงู† ุนู„ู‰ ุชูˆุจูŠ ุฃูŠุถู‹ุง ุฃู† ูŠุนุชุงุฏ ุนู„ู‰ ุฐู„ูƒ ูŠุชู… ุงู„ุญูƒู… ุนู„ูŠู‡ ูˆุงู„ุชุญุฏูŠู‚ ููŠู‡ ุฃูŠุถู‹ุง.
01:56
Just think what a scary place the world must be for Toby.
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ู…ุฌุฑุฏ ุงู„ุชููƒูŠุฑ ููŠ ู…ุง ู‡ูˆ ู…ูƒุงู† ู…ุฎูŠู ูŠุฌุจ ุฃู† ูŠูƒูˆู† ุงู„ุนุงู„ู… ู„ุชูˆุจูŠ.
02:00
And he can't even ask any questions
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ูˆู„ุง ูŠู…ูƒู†ู‡ ุญุชู‰ ุทุฑุญ ุฃูŠ ุฃุณุฆู„ุฉ
02:04
to try and help him make sense of what's going on around him.
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ู„ู…ุญุงูˆู„ุฉ ู…ุณุงุนุฏุชู‡ ุนู„ู‰ ูู‡ู… ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ุนู…ุง ูŠุฏูˆุฑ ุญูˆู„ู‡.
02:09
When somebody can't talk,
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ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ู„ุง ูŠุณุชุทูŠุน ุดุฎุต ู…ุง ุงู„ุชุญุฏุซุŒ
02:11
often, the only effective way they have of communicating
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ููŠ ูƒุซูŠุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุญูŠุงู†ุŒ ุงู„ุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉ ุงู„ูุนุงู„ุฉ ุงู„ูˆุญูŠุฏุฉ ู„ุฏูŠู‡ู… ู…ู† ุงู„ุชูˆุงุตู„
02:16
is through their behavior.
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ูˆุฐู„ูƒ ู…ู† ุฎู„ุงู„ ุณู„ูˆูƒู‡ู….
02:19
And throughout Toby's childhood, the more frightened he became,
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ูˆุทูˆุงู„ ุทููˆู„ุฉ ุชูˆุจูŠุŒ ูƒู„ู…ุง ุฒุงุฏ ุฎูˆูู‡
02:25
the more frightening his behavior became as well.
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ุฃูƒุซุฑ ู…ุฎูŠูุฉ ุฃุตุจุญ ุณู„ูˆูƒู‡ ูƒุฐู„ูƒ.
02:29
For those ten years, our family lived with terrifying,
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ู„ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุณู†ูˆุงุช ุงู„ุนุดุฑุŒ ู„ู‚ุฏ ุนุงุดุช ุนุงุฆู„ุชู†ุง ุญุงู„ุฉ ู…ุฑุนุจุฉุŒ
02:33
violent and challenging behavior,
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ุงู„ุณู„ูˆูƒ ุงู„ุนู†ูŠู ูˆุงู„ุตุนุจุŒ
02:36
with somebody getting hurt nearly every single day.
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ู…ุน ุฅุตุงุจุฉ ุดุฎุต ู…ุง ุชู‚ุฑูŠุจุง ูƒู„ ูŠูˆู….
02:39
Now Toby had a fantastic team of specialists around him,
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ุงู„ุขู† ุฃุตุจุญ ู„ุฏู‰ ุชูˆุจูŠ ูุฑูŠู‚ ุฑุงุฆุน ู…ู† ุงู„ู…ุชุฎุตุตูŠู† ุงู„ู…ุญูŠุทูŠู† ุจู‡ุŒ
02:43
but nobody knew how to help.
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ู„ุง ุฃุญุฏ ูŠุนุฑู ูƒูŠููŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ.
02:46
Staff had not had any training in anxiety-led challenging behavior
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ู„ู… ูŠุชู„ู‚ ุงู„ู…ูˆุธููˆู† ุฃูŠ ุชุฏุฑูŠุจ ููŠ ุงู„ุณู„ูˆูƒูŠุงุช ุงู„ุตุนุจุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ูŠู‚ูˆุฏู‡ุง ุงู„ู‚ู„ู‚
02:52
and there were so few, if any, services
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ูˆูƒุงู† ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ุนุฏุฏ ู‚ู„ูŠู„ ุฌุฏู‹ุง ู…ู† ุงู„ุฎุฏู…ุงุชุŒ ุฅู† ูˆุฌุฏุช
02:55
that had been developed to support families like ours.
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ุงู„ุชูŠ ุชู… ุชุทูˆูŠุฑู‡ุง ู„ุฏุนู… ุนุงุฆู„ุงุช ู…ุซู„ ุนุงุฆู„ุชู†ุง.
03:00
And here we are, nearly 20 years later
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ูˆู‡ุง ู†ุญู† ู‡ู†ุงุŒ ุจุนุฏ ู…ุฑูˆุฑ ู…ุง ูŠู‚ุฑุจ ู…ู† 20 ุนุงู…ู‹ุง
03:03
and nothing's changed.
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ูˆู„ู… ูŠุชุบูŠุฑ ุดูŠุก.
03:06
Instead of getting the essential help
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ุจุฏู„ุงู‹ ู…ู† ุงู„ุญุตูˆู„ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ ุงู„ุฃุณุงุณูŠุฉ
03:10
and urgent support these families need,
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ูˆุงู„ุฏุนู… ุงู„ุนุงุฌู„ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุชุญุชุงุฌู‡ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุนุงุฆู„ุงุชุŒ
03:15
they are instead being repeatedly
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ูŠุชู… ุจุฏู„ุง ู…ู† ุฐู„ูƒ ู…ุฑุงุฑุง ูˆุชูƒุฑุงุฑุง
03:21
and wrongfully blamed, shamed and judged
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ูˆุฅู„ู‚ุงุก ุงู„ู„ูˆู… ูˆุงู„ุนุงุฑ ูˆุงู„ุญูƒู… ุธู„ู…ุงู‹
03:24
for their children's anxiety-led behavior.
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ู„ุณู„ูˆูƒ ุฃุทูุงู„ู‡ู… ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠู‚ูˆุฏู‡ ุงู„ู‚ู„ู‚.
03:27
And they're also being told that they're being too soft
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ูˆูŠุชู… ุฅุฎุจุงุฑู‡ู… ุฃูŠุถู‹ุง ุฃู†ู‡ู… ู„ูŠู†ุฉ ุฌุฏุง
03:31
and that they're spoiling their child.
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ูˆุฃู†ู‡ู… ูŠุฏู„ู„ูˆู† ุทูู„ู‡ู….
03:34
Throughout all those times,
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ุทูˆุงู„ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุฃูˆู‚ุงุชุŒ
03:35
everyone was urging me to parent Toby harder and stricter and more firmly.
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ูƒุงู† ุงู„ุฌู…ูŠุน ูŠุญุซูˆู†ู†ูŠ ุนู„ู‰ ุชุฑุจูŠุฉ ุชูˆุจูŠ ุจุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉ ุฃุตุนุจ ูˆุฃุดุฏ ุตุฑุงู…ุฉ ูˆุฃูƒุซุฑ ุญุฒู…ุง.
03:43
I followed their advice to the letter,
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ูˆุงุชุจุนุช ู†ุตูŠุญุชู‡ู… ุญุฑููŠุง
03:45
but Toby's behavior got worse, not better.
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ู„ูƒู† ุณู„ูˆูƒ ุชูˆุจูŠ ุฃุตุจุญ ุฃุณูˆุฃุŒ ูˆู„ูŠุณ ุฃูุถู„.
03:48
Of course it did.
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ุจุงู„ุทุจุน ูุนู„ุช.
03:50
I can see that now.
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ุฃุณุชุทูŠุน ุฃู† ุฃุฑู‰ ุฐู„ูƒ ุงู„ุขู†.
03:52
He was a frightened and distressed little boy.
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ูƒุงู† ุฎุงุฆูุง ูˆุงู„ุตุจูŠ ุงู„ุตุบูŠุฑ ุจุงู„ุฃุณู‰.
03:55
He needed love and kindness.
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ูƒุงู† ุจุญุงุฌุฉ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุญุจ ูˆุงู„ู„ุทู.
03:58
Being harsh and strict was never going to work.
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ุฃู† ุชูƒูˆู† ู‚ุงุณูŠุฉ ูˆุตุงุฑู…ุฉ ู„ู† ูŠูู„ุญ ุฃุจุฏู‹ุง.
04:01
But I didn't know that then.
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ู„ูƒู†ู†ูŠ ู„ู… ุฃุนุฑู ุฐู„ูƒ ุญูŠู†ู‡ุง.
04:04
So I really tried to follow all that advice.
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ู„ุฐู„ูƒ ุญุงูˆู„ุช ุญู‚ุง ู„ู…ุชุงุจุนุฉ ูƒู„ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู†ุตุงุฆุญ.
04:08
Everyone was singing from the same song sheet,
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ูƒุงู† ุงู„ุฌู…ูŠุน ูŠุบู†ูˆู† ู…ู† ู†ูุณ ูˆุฑู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุฃุบู†ูŠุฉ
04:11
and the message was loud and clear,
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ูˆูƒุงู†ุช ุงู„ุฑุณุงู„ุฉ ุนุงู„ูŠุฉ ูˆูˆุงุถุญุฉุŒ
04:13
that I was an incompetent parent who was failing my child
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ุฃู†ู†ูŠ ูƒู†ุช ูˆุงู„ุฏู‹ุง ุบูŠุฑ ูƒูุก ูˆูƒู†ุช ุฃุฎุฐู„ ุทูู„ูŠ
04:17
and badly letting down his brother and sister.
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ูˆุงู„ุฎุฐู„ุงู† ุจุดูƒู„ ุณูŠุก ุฃุฎูŠู‡ ูˆุฃุฎุชู‡.
04:20
Those years were incredibly tough
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ูƒุงู†ุช ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุณู†ูˆุงุช ุตุนุจุฉ ุจุดูƒู„ ู„ุง ูŠุตุฏู‚
04:22
and all that judgment made it so much harder.
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ูˆูƒู„ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุญูƒู… ุฌุนู„ ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ุฃูƒุซุฑ ุตุนูˆุจุฉ.
04:25
A little bit of kindness and an attempt at understanding
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ู‚ู„ูŠู„ุง ู…ู† ุงู„ู„ุทู ูˆู…ุญุงูˆู„ุฉ ุงู„ูู‡ู…
04:30
could have gone to so far.
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ูƒุงู† ู…ู† ุงู„ู…ู…ูƒู† ุฃู† ุชุฐู‡ุจ ุฅู„ู‰ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุญุฏ.
04:32
Over time, in the absence of any professional help,
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ู…ุน ู…ุฑูˆุฑ ุงู„ูˆู‚ุชุŒ ูˆููŠ ุบูŠุงุจ ู…ู† ุฃูŠ ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ ู…ู‡ู†ูŠุฉุŒ
04:35
I eventually developed my own wild and wacky strategies
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ุทูˆุฑุช ููŠ ู†ู‡ุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ุทุงู ุงุณุชุฑุงุชูŠุฌูŠุงุช ุฌุงู…ุญุฉ ูˆุบุฑูŠุจุฉ ุฎุงุตุฉ ุจูŠ
04:40
that sometimes worked.
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ุงู„ุชูŠ ู†ุฌุญุช ููŠ ุจุนุถ ุงู„ุฃุญูŠุงู†.
04:42
However, people then were often as bewildered
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ูˆู…ุน ุฐู„ูƒุŒ ุงู„ู†ุงุณ ุจุนุฏ ุฐู„ูƒ ูƒุงู†ูˆุง ููŠ ูƒุซูŠุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุญูŠุงู† ููŠ ุญูŠุฑุฉ ู…ู† ุฃู…ุฑู‡ู…
04:47
by my own decidedly odd behavior as they were by Toby's,
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ู…ู† ุฎู„ุงู„ ุณู„ูˆูƒูŠ ุงู„ุบุฑูŠุจ ุจุงู„ุชุฃูƒูŠุฏ ูƒู…ุง ูƒุงู†ูˆุง ุนู†ุฏ ุชูˆุจูŠุŒ
04:51
particularly at hospital appointments.
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ูˆุฎุงุตุฉ ููŠ ู…ูˆุงุนูŠุฏ ุงู„ู…ุณุชุดูู‰
04:54
Now, hospitals are very controlled
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ุงู„ุขู†ุŒ ุงู„ู…ุณุชุดููŠุงุช ุชุฎุถุน ู„ุณูŠุทุฑุฉ ุดุฏูŠุฏุฉ
04:59
and structured environments
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ูˆุงู„ุจูŠุฆุงุช ุงู„ู…ู†ุธู…ุฉ
05:00
staffed by highly trained professionals.
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ูŠุนู…ู„ ุจู‡ุง ู…ุญุชุฑููˆู† ู…ุฏุฑุจูˆู† ุชุฏุฑูŠุจุงู‹ ุนุงู„ูŠุงู‹.
05:03
That's absolutely everything that Toby is not.
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ู‡ุฐุง ูƒู„ ุดูŠุก ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุงุทู„ุงู‚ ุฃู† ุชูˆุจูŠ ู„ูŠุณ ูƒุฐู„ูƒ.
05:07
Toby's noisy and he's playful and he's chaotic and he's disruptive.
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ุชูˆุจูŠ ุตุงุฎุจ ูˆู‡ูˆ ู…ุฑุญ ูˆู‡ูˆ ููˆุถูˆูŠ ูˆู…ุฒุนุฌ.
05:15
It was always going to be a disconnect.
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ูƒุงู† ุฏุงุฆู…ู‹ุง ุจู…ุซุงุจุฉ ู‚ุทุน ุงู„ุงุชุตุงู„.
05:19
The other thing about Toby is he's incredibly hospital-savvy.
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ูˆุงู„ุดูŠุก ุงู„ุขุฎุฑ ุนู† ุชูˆุจูŠ ู‡ูˆ ุฃู†ู‡ ู…ุงู‡ุฑ ุจุดูƒู„ ู„ุง ูŠุตุฏู‚ ููŠ ุงู„ู…ุณุชุดูู‰.
05:23
He can spot a healthcare professional at 100 paces,
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ูŠู…ูƒู†ู‡ ุงูƒุชุดุงู ุงู„ุฑุนุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ุตุญูŠุฉ ุงุญุชุฑุงู 100 ุฎุทูˆุฉ,
05:30
and you're not always his favorite people.
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ูˆุฃู†ุช ู„ุณุช ุฏุงุฆู…ู‹ุง ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุดุฎุงุต ุงู„ู…ูุถู„ูŠู† ู„ุฏูŠู‡.
05:33
He also knows things about hospitals that you don't know.
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ูƒู…ุง ุฃู†ู‡ ูŠุนุฑู ุฃุดูŠุงุก ุนู† ุงู„ู…ุณุชุดููŠุงุช ุฃู†ูƒ ู„ุง ุชุนุฑู.
05:37
He knows that if he's halfway down a really long hospital corridor,
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ุฅู†ู‡ ูŠุนู„ู… ุฃู†ู‡ ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู† ููŠ ู…ู†ุชุตู ุงู„ุทุฑูŠู‚ ู…ู…ุฑ ุงู„ู…ุณุชุดูู‰ ุทูˆูŠู„ ุฌุฏู‹ุงุŒ
05:41
if he shouts at the top of his voice,
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ูˆุฅุฐุง ุตุฑุฎ ุจุฃุนู„ู‰ ุตูˆุชู‡
05:43
it's going to create magnificent echoes
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ุงู†ู‡ุง ุณูˆู ุชุฎู„ู‚ ุฃุตุฏุงุก ุฑุงุฆุนุฉ
05:47
and people are going to react.
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ูˆุณูˆู ูŠุชูุงุนู„ ุงู„ู†ุงุณ.
05:49
Almost every time
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ููŠ ูƒู„ ู…ุฑุฉ ุชู‚ุฑูŠุจู‹ุง
05:52
within seconds of arriving at a hospital,
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ููŠ ุบุถูˆู† ุซูˆุงู† ู…ู† ูˆุตูˆู„ู‡ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ุณุชุดูู‰ุŒ
05:55
people were giving us a wide berth and they were already rolling their eyes.
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ูƒุงู† ุงู„ู†ุงุณ ูŠุนุทูˆู†ู†ุง ุฑุตูŠูู‹ุง ูˆุงุณุนู‹ุง ูˆูƒุงู†ูˆุง ูŠุฏุญุฑุฌูˆู† ุฃุนูŠู†ู‡ู… ุจุงู„ูุนู„.
06:00
Now, keeping Toby safe and happy in a hospital isn't easy.
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ุงู„ุขู†ุŒ ุงู„ุญูุงุธ ุนู„ู‰ ุชูˆุจูŠ ุขู…ู†ู‹ุง ูˆุณุนูŠุฏู‹ุง ููŠ ุงู„ู…ุณุชุดูู‰ ู„ูŠุณ ุจุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ุงู„ุณู‡ู„.
06:06
But if I failed, people could get hurt and equipment broken.
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ุฅุฐุง ูุดู„ุชุŒ ูŠู…ูƒู† ุฃู† ูŠุชุฃุฐู‰ ุงู„ู†ุงุณ ูˆุงู„ู…ุนุฏุงุช ู…ูƒุณูˆุฑุฉ.
06:10
So the stakes were high.
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ู„ุฐู„ูƒ ูƒุงู†ุช ุงู„ู…ุฎุงุทุฑ ุนุงู„ูŠุฉ.
06:13
I was constantly on hyper alert, ready to leap in,
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ูƒู†ุช ุฏุงุฆู…ู‹ุง ููŠ ุญุงู„ุฉ ุชุฃู‡ุจ ู‚ุตูˆู‰ุŒ ุนู„ู‰ ุงุณุชุนุฏุงุฏ ู„ู„ู‚ูุฒ ููŠ,
06:18
to distract or divert
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ู„ุชุดุชูŠุช ุงู„ุงู†ุชุจุงู‡ ุฃูˆ ุงู„ุชุญูˆูŠู„
06:21
if things looked a bit tricky.
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ุฅุฐุง ุจุฏุช ุงู„ุฃู…ูˆุฑ ุตุนุจุฉ ุจุนุถ ุงู„ุดูŠุก.
06:23
And it was essential that I was able to communicate with Toby
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ูˆูƒุงู† ู…ู† ุงู„ุถุฑูˆุฑูŠ ุฃู† ุฃุชู…ูƒู† ู…ู† ุฐู„ูƒ ู„ู„ุชูˆุงุตู„ ู…ุน ุชูˆุจูŠ
06:29
in ways that I knew he'd have the best chance of understanding.
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ุจุทุฑู‚ ูƒู†ุช ุฃุนู„ู… ุฃู†ู‡ ุณูŠูุนู„ู‡ุง ุฃูุถู„ ูุฑุตุฉ ู„ู„ุชูุงู‡ู….
06:33
Unfortunately, there wasn't always time
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ู„ุณูˆุก ุงู„ุญุธุŒ ู„ู… ูŠูƒู† ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ุฏุงุฆู…ุง ุงู„ูˆู‚ุช
06:36
to explain to people what I was doing and why.
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ู„ูŠุดุฑุญ ู„ู„ู†ุงุณ ู…ุงุฐุง ูƒู†ุช ุฃูุนู„ ูˆู„ู…ุงุฐุง.
06:40
So if you wanted to take Toby's blood or to do his blood pressure,
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ู„ุฐุง ุฅุฐุง ุฃุฑุฏุช ุฃู† ุชุฃุฎุฐ ุฏู… ุชูˆุจูŠ ุฃูˆ ู„ู‚ูŠุงุณ ุถุบุท ุงู„ุฏู…ุŒ
06:45
I might thrust my arm out like this
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ุฑุจู…ุง ุณุฃุฏูุน ุฐุฑุงุนูŠ ู„ู„ุฎุงุฑุฌ ู‡ูƒุฐุง
06:48
and ask you to pretend to do it to me first.
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ูˆุฃุทู„ุจ ู…ู†ูƒ ุงู„ุชุธุงู‡ุฑ ุฃู† ุชูุนู„ ุฐู„ูƒ ุจูŠ ุฃูˆู„ุงู‹.
06:52
Because that way,
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ู„ุฃู†ู‡ ุจู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉุŒ
06:53
Toby has a better chance of understanding what's going on,
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ุชูˆุจูŠ ู„ุฏูŠู‡ ูุฑุตุฉ ุฃูุถู„ ููŠ ูู‡ู… ู…ุง ูŠุญุฏุซุŒ
06:57
so he's going to be more likely to cooperate.
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ู„ุฐู„ูƒ ุณูŠูƒูˆู† ุฃูƒุซุฑ ุงุญุชู…ุงู„ุง ู„ู„ุชุนุงูˆู†.
07:04
Toby also understands things much better
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ูŠูู‡ู… ุชูˆุจูŠ ุฃูŠุถู‹ุง ุงู„ุฃุดูŠุงุก ุจุดูƒู„ ุฃูุถู„
07:08
if they're sung to him.
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ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู†ูˆุง ูŠุบู†ูˆู† ู„ู‡.
07:11
So if you need to listen to his chest
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ู„ุฐู„ูƒ ุฅุฐุง ูƒู†ุช ุจุญุงุฌุฉ ู„ู„ุงุณุชู…ุงุน ุฅู„ู‰ ุตุฏุฑู‡
07:14
and he needs to lift his T-shirt up to let you be able to do it,
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ูˆูŠุญุชุงุฌ ุฅู„ู‰ ุฑูุน ู‚ู…ูŠุตู‡ ู„ุชุชู…ูƒู† ู…ู† ุงู„ู‚ูŠุงู… ุจุฐู„ูƒุŒ
07:18
I might have to tell him like this:
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ุฑุจู…ุง ูŠุฌุจ ุฃู† ุฃู‚ูˆู„ ู„ู‡ ู…ุซู„ ู‡ุฐุง:
07:21
(Singing) Where is Toby's tummy?
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(ุบู†ุงุก) ุฃูŠู† ุจุทู† ุชูˆุจูŠุŸ
07:24
Where is Toby's tummy?
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ุฃูŠู† ุจุทู† ุชูˆุจูŠุŸ
07:27
Where is Toby's tummy?
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ุฃูŠู† ุจุทู† ุชูˆุจูŠุŸ
07:30
Show it to the doctor.
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ุงุนุฑุถู‡ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุทุจูŠุจ.
07:34
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
07:42
Thank you.
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ุดูƒุฑู‹ุง ู„ูƒ.
07:44
Toby isn't naturally compliant, but he loves playing games.
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ุชูˆุจูŠ ู„ูŠุณ ู…ุชูˆุงูู‚ู‹ุง ุจุดูƒู„ ุทุจูŠุนูŠุŒ ู„ูƒู†ู‡ ูŠุญุจ ู…ู…ุงุฑุณุฉ ุงู„ุฃู„ุนุงุจ.
07:49
So at the end of an appointment,
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ู„ุฐู„ูƒ ููŠ ู†ู‡ุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ูˆุนุฏุŒ
07:51
if Toby is far too happy sitting on your floor
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ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู† ุชูˆุจูŠ ุณุนูŠุฏู‹ุง ุฌุฏู‹ุง ุงู„ุฌู„ูˆุณ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุฃุฑุถ ุงู„ุฎุงุตุฉ ุจูƒ
07:55
and emptying all your cupboards to want to stand up and leave,
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ูˆุฅูุฑุงุบ ุฌู…ูŠุน ุงู„ุฎุฒุงุฆู† ุงู„ุฎุงุตุฉ ุจูƒ ุชุฑูŠุฏ ุงู„ูˆู‚ูˆู ูˆุงู„ู…ุบุงุฏุฑุฉุŒ
07:59
I might have to play "Where is Toby's face?"
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ู‚ุฏ ุฃุถุทุฑ ู„ู„ุนุจ โ€œุฃูŠู† ูˆุฌู‡ ุชูˆุจูŠุŸโ€
08:04
Now, I play this by cupping my hands like this in face shape
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ุงู„ุขู†ุŒ ุฃู„ุนุจ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ู„ุนุจุฉ ุนู† ุทุฑูŠู‚ ุงู„ุญุฌุงู…ุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ูŠุฏูŠ ู…ุซู„ ู‡ุฐุง ููŠ ุดูƒู„ ุงู„ูˆุฌู‡
08:07
and putting it all over the room, saying things like,
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ูˆูˆุถุนู‡ุง ููŠ ุฌู…ูŠุน ุฃู†ุญุงุก ุงู„ุบุฑูุฉุŒ ู‚ูˆู„ ุฃุดูŠุงุก ู…ุซู„ุŒ
08:10
"Is that Toby's face?
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โ€œู‡ู„ ู‡ุฐุง ูˆุฌู‡ ุชูˆุจูŠุŸ
08:12
Where is Toby's face?
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ุฃูŠู† ูˆุฌู‡ ุชูˆุจูŠุŸ
08:14
Has anybody seen Toby's face?
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ู‡ู„ ุฑุฃู‰ ุฃุญุฏ ูˆุฌู‡ ุชูˆุจูŠุŸ
08:16
Oh, could that be Toby's face?"
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ุฃูˆู‡ุŒ ู‡ู„ ูŠู…ูƒู† ุฃู† ูŠูƒูˆู† ู‡ุฐุง ูˆุฌู‡ ุชูˆุจูŠุŸโ€
08:19
Eventually he'll cotton on to what I'm doing,
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ููŠ ู†ู‡ุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ุทุงู ุณูˆู ูŠุฑุชุฏูŠ ุงู„ู‚ุทู† ุฅู„ู‰ ู…ุง ุฃูุนู„ู‡ุŒ
08:21
heโ€™ll burst out laughing,
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ุณูŠู†ูุฌุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ุถุญูƒุŒ
08:23
he'll stand up,
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ุณูˆู ูŠู‚ูุŒ
08:24
he'll lean his hands into my face and great.
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ุณูˆู ูŠู…ูŠู„ ูŠุฏูŠู‡ ููŠ ูˆุฌู‡ูŠ ูˆุฑุงุฆุนุฉ.
08:29
Except that, if it's a really bad day,
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ุจุงุณุชุซู†ุงุก ุฐู„ูƒุŒ ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู† ูŠูˆู…ู‹ุง ุณูŠุฆู‹ุง ุญู‚ู‹ุงุŒ
08:31
we may still have to perform the entire โ€œhooray danceโ€
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ุฑุจู…ุง ู„ุง ูŠุฒุงู„ ูŠุชุนูŠู† ุนู„ูŠู†ุง ุงู„ุฃุฏุงุก โ€œุฑู‚ุตุฉ ุงู„ุตูŠุญุฉโ€ ุจุฃูƒู…ู„ู‡ุง
08:36
before we can leave you in peace.
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ู‚ุจู„ ุฃู† ู†ุชุฑูƒูƒ ุจุณู„ุงู….
08:39
Now, by now,
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ุงู„ุขู†ุŒ ุงู„ุขู†ุŒ
08:41
the look on the face of the average clinician
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ุงู„ู†ุธุฑุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ูˆุฌู‡ ู…ู† ุงู„ุทุจูŠุจ ุงู„ุนุงุฏูŠ
08:45
is one of sheer horror and fear.
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ู‡ูŠ ูˆุงุญุฏุฉ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฑุนุจ ูˆุงู„ุฎูˆู ุงู„ู…ุทู„ู‚.
08:48
(Laughter)
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(ุถุญูƒ)
08:49
And there's a clear assumption that I've lost the plot and gone bonkers.
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ูˆู‡ู†ุงูƒ ุงูุชุฑุงุถ ูˆุงุถุญ ุฃู†ู†ูŠ ูู‚ุฏุช ุงู„ู…ุคุงู…ุฑุฉ ูˆุฃุตุจุญุช ู…ุฌู†ูˆู†ู‹ุง.
08:54
The very worst thing that can happen next
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ุฃุณูˆุฃ ุดูŠุก ูŠู…ูƒู† ุฃู† ูŠุญุฏุซ ุจุนุฏ ุฐู„ูƒ
08:58
is if that clinician decides to try to take over.
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ุฅุฐุง ู‚ุฑุฑ ุฐู„ูƒ ุงู„ุทุจูŠุจ ู„ู…ุญุงูˆู„ุฉ ุงู„ุงุณุชูŠู„ุงุก.
09:03
And ...
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ูˆ ...
09:04
Because they obviously can't believe I know what I'm doing.
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ู„ุฃู†ู‡ ู…ู† ุงู„ูˆุงุถุญ ุฃู†ู‡ู… ู„ุง ูŠุตุฏู‚ูˆู† ุฃู†ุง ุฃุนุฑู ู…ุง ุฃูุนู„ู‡.
09:09
That has meant that sometimes Toby's been physically manhandled
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ูˆู‡ุฐุง ูŠุนู†ูŠ ุฐู„ูƒ ููŠ ุจุนุถ ุงู„ุฃุญูŠุงู† ู„ู‚ุฏ ุชู… ุงู„ุชุนุงู…ู„ ู…ุน ุชูˆุจูŠ ุฌุณุฏูŠู‹ุง
09:12
out of the room
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ุฎุงุฑุฌ ุงู„ุบุฑูุฉ
09:13
while he and I are both being told off really loudly.
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ุจูŠู†ู…ุง ู‡ูˆ ูˆุฃู†ุง ุนู„ู‰ ุญุฏ ุณูˆุงุก ูŠุชู… ุฅุฎุจุงุฑูƒ ุจุตูˆุช ุนุงู„ู ุญู‚ู‹ุง.
09:19
That's almost exactly what's guaranteed to frighten Toby
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ู‡ุฐุง ุจุงู„ุถุจุท ุชู‚ุฑูŠุจุง ู…ุง ูŠุถู…ู† ุชุฎูˆูŠู ุชูˆุจูŠ
09:23
into the worst type of behavior possible.
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ููŠ ุฃุณูˆุฃ ุฃู†ูˆุงุน ุงู„ุณู„ูˆูƒ ุงู„ู…ู…ูƒู†ุฉ.
09:27
Sometimes we had a fantastic experience.
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ููŠ ุจุนุถ ุงู„ุฃุญูŠุงู† ูƒุงู† ู„ุฏูŠู†ุง ุชุฌุฑุจุฉ ุฑุงุฆุนุฉ.
09:29
We've met some great people who've been really happy
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ุงู„ุชู‚ูŠู†ุง ุจุจุนุถ ุงู„ู†ุงุณ ุงู„ุนุธู…ุงุก ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูƒุงู†ูˆุง ุณุนุฏุงุก ุญู‚ุง
09:33
to join in and play along.
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ู„ู„ุงู†ุถู…ุงู… ูˆุงู„ู„ุนุจ ุนู„ู‰ ุทูˆู„.
09:34
It's remarkable how well a game of hide and seek
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ูˆู…ู† ุงู„ู„ุงูุช ู„ู„ู†ุธุฑ ูƒูŠู ุฌูŠุฏุง ู„ุนุจุฉ ุงู„ุบู…ูŠุถุฉ
09:40
can lend itself to assessments of cognition, communication skills,
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ูŠู…ูƒู† ุฃู† ุชุตู„ุญ ู„ู„ุชู‚ูŠูŠู…ุงุช ุงู„ุฅุฏุฑุงูƒุŒ ูˆู…ู‡ุงุฑุงุช ุงู„ุงุชุตุงู„ุŒ
09:45
mobility and even Toby's breathing.
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ุงู„ุญุฑูƒุฉ ูˆุญุชู‰ ุชู†ูุณ ุชูˆุจูŠ.
09:50
But whenever I've really felt judged in those situations,
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ูƒู„ู…ุง ุดุนุฑุช ุญู‚ุง ูˆุญูƒู… ููŠ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู…ูˆุงู‚ู
09:53
all I've wanted to do is to run away as fast and as far as I can
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ูƒู„ ู…ุง ุฃุฑุฏุช ูุนู„ู‡ ู‡ูˆ ุงู„ู‡ุฑุจ ุจุฃุณุฑุน ูˆุจู‚ุฏุฑ ู…ุง ุฃุณุชุทูŠุน
09:58
out of your office.
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ุฎุงุฑุฌ ู…ูƒุชุจูƒ.
10:00
Now, when I'm feeling like that,
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ุงู„ุขู†ุŒ ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ุฃุดุนุฑ ุจุฐู„ูƒุŒ
10:02
it's almost impossible for me to open up
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ูŠูƒุงุฏ ูŠูƒูˆู† ู…ู† ุงู„ู…ุณุชุญูŠู„ ุจุงู„ู†ุณุจุฉ ู„ูŠ ุฃู† ุฃูุชุญ
10:05
and share with you my real concerns about Toby's health,
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ูˆุฃุดุงุทุฑูƒู… ู…ุฎุงูˆููŠ ุงู„ุญู‚ูŠู‚ูŠุฉ ุนู† ุตุญุฉ ุชูˆุจูŠ
10:10
which means that's going to make your job much harder
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ูˆู‡ูˆ ู…ุง ูŠุนู†ูŠ ุฃู† ู‡ุฐุง ุณูˆู ูŠุฌุนู„ ุนู…ู„ูƒ ุฃุตุนุจ ุจูƒุซูŠุฑ
10:13
in being able to assess him
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ููŠ ุงู„ู‚ุฏุฑุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ุชู‚ูŠูŠู…ู‡
10:15
and to come up with treatment options,
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ูˆุงู„ุชูˆุตู„ ุฅู„ู‰ ุฎูŠุงุฑุงุช ุงู„ุนู„ุงุฌุŒ
10:19
which of course is going to impact on Toby
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ูˆุงู„ุฐูŠ ุจุงู„ุทุจุน ุณูˆู ูŠุคุซุฑ ุนู„ู‰ ุชูˆุจูŠ
10:23
and his long-term outcomes and well-being.
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ูˆู†ุชุงุฆุฌู‡ ูˆุฑูุงู‡ูŠุชู‡ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ุฏู‰ ุงู„ุทูˆูŠู„.
10:28
Being judgmental really can be the starting place of health inequalities.
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ุฃู† ุชูƒูˆู† ุญูƒู…ูŠู‹ุง ูŠู…ูƒู† ุฃู† ูŠูƒูˆู† ูƒุฐู„ูƒ ุญู‚ู‹ุง ู…ูƒุงู† ุจุฏุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ุชูุงูˆุชุงุช ุงู„ุตุญูŠุฉ.
10:33
But being judgmental is so easy.
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ู„ูƒู† ุฅุตุฏุงุฑ ุงู„ุฃุญูƒุงู… ุฃู…ุฑ ุณู‡ู„ ู„ู„ุบุงูŠุฉ.
10:38
When you judge people who already feel vulnerable,
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ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ุชุญูƒู… ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ู†ุงุณ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูŠุดุนุฑูˆู† ุจุงู„ูุนู„ ุจุงู„ุถุนูุŒ
10:41
you're only ever going to make us feel more ashamed, more rejected,
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ุฃู†ุช ูู‚ุท ุณูˆู ุชุฌุนู„ู†ุง ู†ุดุนุฑ ุฃูƒุซุฑ ุฎุฌู„ู‹ุงุŒ ูˆุฃูƒุซุฑ ุฑูุถู‹ุงุŒ
10:46
and more unworthy.
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ูˆุฃูƒุซุฑ ู„ุง ูŠุณุชุญู‚.
10:49
Kindness is so important.
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ุงู„ู„ุทู ู…ู‡ู… ุฌุฏุง.
10:52
It can make such a big difference. Kindness is powerful
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ูŠู…ูƒู† ุฃู† ูŠุญุฏุซ ูุฑู‚ู‹ุง ูƒุจูŠุฑู‹ุง. ุงู„ู„ุทู ู‚ูˆูŠ
10:56
and it really can bring out the best in all of us.
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ูˆูŠู…ูƒู† ุญู‚ุง ุฃู† ุชุจุฑุฒ ุงู„ุฃูุถู„ ููŠู†ุง ุฌู…ูŠุนู‹ุง.
11:01
But I've got another favorite word: curiosity.
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ู„ุฏูŠ ุขุฎุฑ ุงู„ูƒู„ู…ุฉ ุงู„ู…ูุถู„ุฉ: ุงู„ูุถูˆู„.
11:04
When we stay curious,
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ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ู†ุจู‚ู‰ ูุถูˆู„ูŠูŠู†ุŒ
11:07
we keep asking those "why" questions,
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ู†ุญู† ู†ุณุชู…ุฑ ุจุทุฑุญ ุฃุณุฆู„ุฉ โ€œู„ู…ุงุฐุงโ€œุŒ
11:09
which helps us to build bridges towards better understanding.
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ู…ู…ุง ูŠุณุงุนุฏู†ุง ุนู„ู‰ ุจู†ุงุก ุงู„ุฌุณูˆุฑ ู†ุญูˆ ูู‡ู… ุฃูุถู„.
11:14
When we stay curious,
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ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ู†ุจู‚ู‰ ูุถูˆู„ูŠูŠู†ุŒ
11:16
it keeps our hearts and our minds open,
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ูˆูŠุจู‚ูŠ ู‚ู„ูˆุจู†ุง ูˆุนู‚ูˆู„ู†ุง ู…ูุชูˆุญุฉุŒ
11:18
which helps to prevent us forming those judgments.
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ู…ู…ุง ูŠุณุงุนุฏ ุนู„ู‰ ู…ู†ุนู†ุง ุชุดูƒูŠู„ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุฃุญูƒุงู….
11:24
If ever you see me with Toby and my behavior's looking a bit off,
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ุฅุฐุง ุฑุฃูŠุชู†ูŠ ู…ุน ุชูˆุจูŠ ูˆุชุตุฑูุงุชูŠ ุชุจุฏูˆ ู…ุชู‚ู„ุจุฉ ุจุนุถ ุงู„ุดูŠุกุŒ
11:29
the very best question you can possibly ask me is
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ุฃูุถู„ ุณุคุงู„ ุฑุจู…ุง ูŠู…ูƒู†ูƒ ุฃู† ุชุณุฃู„ู†ูŠ ู‡ูˆ
11:34
"Do you need any help?
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โ€œู‡ู„ ุชุญุชุงุฌ ุฃูŠ ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉุŸ
11:35
And if so, what can I do?"
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ูˆุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ูƒุฐู„ูƒุŒ ู…ุงุฐุง ูŠู…ูƒู†ู†ูŠ ุฃู† ุฃูุนู„ุŸโ€
11:39
Eventually, we were referred to a fantastic team
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ููŠ ู†ู‡ุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ุทุงูุŒ ุชู…ุช ุฅุญุงู„ุชู†ุง ู„ูุฑูŠู‚ ุฑุงุฆุน
11:45
who totally understood
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ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูู‡ู… ุชู…ุงู…ุง
11:47
why young people like Toby can develop these anxiety-led behaviors.
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ู„ู…ุงุฐุง ูŠู…ูƒู† ู„ู„ุดุจุงุจ ู…ุซู„ ุชูˆุจูŠ ุฃู† ูŠุชุทูˆุฑูˆุงุŸ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุณู„ูˆูƒูŠุงุช ุงู„ุชูŠ ูŠู‚ูˆุฏู‡ุง ุงู„ู‚ู„ู‚.
11:54
Dr. Helen Simmons and David Smith.
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ุงู„ุฏูƒุชูˆุฑุฉ ู‡ูŠู„ูŠู† ุณูŠู…ูˆู†ุฒ ูˆุฏูŠููŠุฏ ุณู…ูŠุซ.
11:58
They were there for us, they listened,
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ูƒุงู†ูˆุง ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ู…ู† ุฃุฌู„ู†ุงุŒ ูˆุงุณุชู…ุนูˆุงุŒ
12:00
they just understood.
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ูู‡ู…ูˆุง ู„ู„ุชูˆ.
12:03
They just got it.
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ุญุตู„ูˆุง ุนู„ูŠู‡ ู„ู„ุชูˆ.
12:04
And never once did they make me feel ashamed, blamed or judged.
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ูˆู„ู… ูŠุดุนุฑูˆู†ูŠ ูˆู„ูˆ ู…ุฑุฉ ูˆุงุญุฏุฉ ุจุงู„ุฎุฌู„ ุฃูˆ ุงู„ู„ูˆู… ุฃูˆ ุงู„ุญูƒู….
12:09
I was so excited that first day that David was due to come to our house
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ูƒู†ุช ู…ุชุญู…ุณู‹ุง ุฌุฏู‹ุง ููŠ ุฐู„ูƒ ุงู„ูŠูˆู… ุงู„ุฃูˆู„ ุฃู† ุฏุงูˆุฏ ูƒุงู† ู…ู† ุงู„ู…ู‚ุฑุฑ ุฃู† ูŠุฃุชูŠ ุฅู„ู‰ ู…ู†ุฒู„ู†ุง
12:14
and I couldn't wait to ask him that all-important question,
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ูˆู„ู… ุฃุณุชุทุน ุงู„ุงู†ุชุธุงุฑ ู„ุฃุณุฃู„ู‡ ุฐู„ูƒ ุงู„ุณุคุงู„ ุงู„ู…ู‡ู… ู„ู„ุบุงูŠุฉุŒ
12:17
"So, David, how are we going to change Toby's behavior?"
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โ€œุฅุฐุงู‹ุŒ ุฏูŠููŠุฏุŒ ูƒูŠู ุณู†ุฐู‡ุจ ู„ุชุบูŠูŠุฑ ุณู„ูˆูƒ ุชูˆุจูŠโ€
12:22
David put his cup of tea down.
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ูˆุถุน ุฏูŠููŠุฏ ูƒูˆุจ ุงู„ุดุงูŠ ุงู„ุฎุงุต ุจู‡.
12:24
He looked at me.
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ู†ุธุฑ ุฅู„ูŠ.
12:27
He took in a deep breath and then he dropped a bombshell.
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ุฃุฎุฐ ู†ูุณุง ุนู…ูŠู‚ุง ุซู… ู„ู‚ุฏ ุฃุณู‚ุท ู‚ู†ุจู„ุฉ.
12:31
"No, Yvonne, I'm not here to change Toby's behavior.
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โ€œู„ุงุŒ ุฅูŠููˆู†ุŒ ุฃู†ุง ู„ุณุช ู‡ู†ุง ู„ุชุบูŠูŠุฑ ุณู„ูˆูƒ ุชูˆุจูŠ.
12:35
I'm here to change yours."
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ุฃู†ุง ู‡ู†ุง ู„ุชุบูŠูŠุฑูƒ.โ€
12:37
"What?"
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โ€œู…ุงุฐุงุŸโ€
12:38
I was not happy, I was horrified.
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ู„ู… ุฃูƒู† ุณุนูŠุฏุงุŒ ู„ู‚ุฏ ุดุนุฑุช ุจุงู„ุฑุนุจ.
12:41
It sounded like the same old, same old blame judgment all over again.
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ุจุฏุง ูˆูƒุฃู†ู‡ ู†ูุณ ุงู„ู‚ุฏูŠู…ุŒ ู†ูุณ ุงู„ู‚ุฏูŠู… ุฅู„ู‚ุงุก ุงู„ู„ูˆู… ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุญูƒู… ู…ู† ุฌุฏูŠุฏ.
12:44
But it wasn't.
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ู„ูƒู†ู‡ุง ู„ู… ุชูƒู† ูƒุฐู„ูƒ.
12:47
What he was showing me is that I had to change first.
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ู…ุง ูƒุงู† ูŠุธู‡ุฑ ู„ูŠ ู‡ูˆ ุฃู†ู‡ ูƒุงู† ุนู„ูŠ ุฃู† ุฃุชุบูŠุฑ ุฃูˆู„ุงู‹.
12:51
So ...
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ู„ุฐุง ...
12:53
I had to unlearn almost everything I thought I knew about parenting.
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ูƒุงู† ุนู„ูŠ ุฃู† ุฃุชุฎู„ู‰ ุนู† ูƒู„ ุดูŠุก ุชู‚ุฑูŠุจู‹ุง ุงุนุชู‚ุฏุช ุฃู†ู†ูŠ ุฃุนุฑู ุนู† ุงู„ุฃุจูˆุฉ ูˆุงู„ุฃู…ูˆู…ุฉ.
13:01
What I learned was about anxiety
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ู…ุง ุชุนู„ู…ุชู‡ ูƒุงู† ุนู† ุงู„ู‚ู„ู‚
13:04
and exactly why Tobyโ€™s behavior became so difficult,
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ูˆู„ู…ุงุฐุง ุจุงู„ุถุจุท ุณู„ูˆูƒ ุชูˆุจูŠ ุฃุตุจุญุช ุตุนุจุฉ ู„ู„ุบุงูŠุฉุŒ
13:11
because anxiety made him so terrified.
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ู„ุฃู† ุงู„ู‚ู„ู‚ ุฌุนู„ู‡ ูŠุดุนุฑ ุจุงู„ุฑุนุจ ุงู„ุดุฏูŠุฏ.
13:14
I learned that when he was lashing out,
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ุชุนู„ู…ุช ุฃู†ู‡ ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ูƒุงู† ูŠู‡ุงุฌู…ุŒ
13:16
what he was really trying to do was to scream out for help
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ู…ุง ูƒุงู† ูŠุญุงูˆู„ ุญู‚ุง ุงู„ู‚ูŠุงู… ุจู‡ ูƒุงู† ุงู„ุตุฑุงุฎ ุทู„ุจุง ู„ู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ
13:20
because he felt so frightened
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ู„ุฃู†ู‡ ุดุนุฑ ุจุงู„ุฎูˆู ุงู„ุดุฏูŠุฏ
13:22
and the world was so confusing and he needed help.
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ูˆูƒุงู† ุงู„ุนุงู„ู… ู…ุญูŠุฑู‹ุง ุฌุฏู‹ุง ูˆูƒุงู† ุจุญุงุฌุฉ ู„ู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ.
13:28
I learned that when he had hurt me, it wasn't because he hated me.
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ุชุนู„ู…ุช ุฃู†ู‡ ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ุฌุฑุญู†ูŠุŒ ู„ู… ูŠูƒู† ู„ุฃู†ู‡ ูŠูƒุฑู‡ู†ูŠ.
13:32
It was because he trusted me more than anybody else in the world
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ูƒุงู† ุฐู„ูƒ ู„ุฃู†ู‡ ูˆุซู‚ ุจูŠ ุฃูƒุซุฑ ู…ู† ุฃูŠ ุดุฎุต ุขุฎุฑ ููŠ ุงู„ุนุงู„ู…
13:37
to be able to offer him that help that he so badly needed.
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ู„ุชุชู…ูƒู† ู…ู† ุชู‚ุฏูŠู… ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ ู„ู‡ ุฃู†ู‡ ููŠ ุฃู…ุณ ุงู„ุญุงุฌุฉ ุฅู„ูŠู‡ุง.
13:44
So up until then,
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ู„ุฐู„ูƒ ุญุชู‰ ุฐู„ูƒ ุงู„ุญูŠู†ุŒ
13:48
I had gone up and up and up
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ุตุนุฏุช ู„ุฃุนู„ู‰ ูˆู„ุฃุนู„ู‰
13:50
in terms of being stricter and harsher and firmer
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ู…ู† ุญูŠุซ ูƒูˆู†ู‡ุง ุฃูƒุซุฑ ุตุฑุงู…ุฉ ูˆุฃุดุฏ ูˆุฃู‚ูˆู‰
13:53
in the way I parented Toby,
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ุจุงู„ุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ุฑุจูŠุช ุจู‡ุง ุชูˆุจูŠุŒ
13:55
just like everybody had told me to.
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ุชู…ุงู…ุง ูƒู…ุง ู‚ุงู„ ู„ูŠ ุงู„ุฌู…ูŠุน.
13:57
I thought I'd tried everything.
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ุงุนุชู‚ุฏุช ุฃู†ู†ูŠ ุญุงูˆู„ุช ูƒู„ ุดูŠุก.
13:59
I didn't think there was anything left.
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ู„ู… ุฃูƒู† ุฃุนุชู‚ุฏ ุฃู†ู‡ ูƒุงู† ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ุฃูŠ ุดูŠุก ู…ุชุจู‚ูŠ.
14:01
Helen and David showed me
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ุฃุธู‡ุฑุช ู„ูŠ ู‡ูŠู„ูŠู† ูˆุฏูŠููŠุฏ
14:03
that there was an entirely different direction
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ุฃู†ู‡ ูƒุงู† ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ุชู…ุงู…ุง ุงุชุฌุงู‡ ู…ุฎุชู„ู
14:06
and I could go down and down and down as well.
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ูˆูŠู…ูƒู†ู†ูŠ ุงู„ู†ุฒูˆู„ ูˆุฃุณูู„ ูˆุฃุณูู„ ูƒุฐู„ูƒ.
14:10
So my parenting became more loving, more understanding,
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ู„ุฐุง ุฃุตุจุญุช ุชุฑุจูŠุฉ ูˆุงู„ุฏูŠ ุฃูƒุซุฑ ู…ุญุจุฉุŒ ุฃูƒุซุฑ ุชูู‡ู…ุงุŒ
14:15
more collaborative and kinder.
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ุฃูƒุซุฑ ุชุนุงูˆู†ู‹ุง ูˆู„ุทูู‹ุง.
14:17
It changed everything.
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ู„ู‚ุฏ ุชุบูŠุฑ ูƒู„ ุดูŠุก.
14:20
Toby responded brilliantly,
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ุฃุฌุงุจ ุชูˆุจูŠ ุจุจุฑุงุนุฉุŒ
14:23
and it was like watching magic happen.
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ูˆูƒุงู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ู…ุซู„ ู…ุดุงู‡ุฏุฉ ุงู„ุณุญุฑ ูŠุญุฏุซ.
14:25
Toby is now 28.
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ูŠุจู„ุบ ุชูˆุจูŠ ุงู„ุขู† 28 ุนุงู…ู‹.
14:27
He's incredibly happy.
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ุฅู†ู‡ ุณุนูŠุฏ ุจุดูƒู„ ู„ุง ูŠุตุฏู‚.
14:28
He's doing so well and things are really good.
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ุฅู†ู‡ ูŠู‚ูˆู… ุจุนู…ู„ ุฌูŠุฏ ูˆุงู„ุฃู…ูˆุฑ ุฌูŠุฏุฉ ุญู‚ุง.
14:33
I now know that it was never about Toby's behavior.
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ุฃุนู„ู… ุงู„ุขู† ุฃู†ู‡ ู„ู… ูŠูƒู† ูƒุฐู„ูƒ ุฃุจุฏู‹ุง ุญูˆู„ ุณู„ูˆูƒ ุชูˆุจูŠ.
14:39
It was always about trying to find ways
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ูƒุงู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ุฏุงุฆู…ู‹ุง ูŠุชุนู„ู‚ ุจู…ุญุงูˆู„ุฉ ุฅูŠุฌุงุฏ ุทุฑู‚
14:43
to help Toby feel safer and less frightened
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ู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ ุชูˆุจูŠ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุดุนูˆุฑ ุจุงู„ุฃู…ุงู† ูˆุฃู‚ู„ ุฎูˆูุง
14:49
in a world that often seemed confusing to him.
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ููŠ ุนุงู„ู… ุจุฏุง ููŠ ูƒุซูŠุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุญูŠุงู† ู…ุญูŠุฑุฉ ู„ู‡.
14:54
I now run Newbold Hope.
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ุฃู†ุง ุงู„ุขู† ุฃุฏูŠุฑ ู†ูŠูˆุจูˆู„ุฏ ู‡ูˆุจ.
14:57
It's a parent-led organization
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ุฅู†ู‡ุง ู…ู†ุธู…ุฉ ูŠู‚ูˆุฏู‡ุง ุงู„ุขุจุงุก
15:01
devoted to teaching parents and professionals
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ู…ูƒุฑุณุฉ ู„ุชุนู„ูŠู… ุงู„ุขุจุงุก ูˆุงู„ู…ู‡ู†ูŠูŠู†
15:05
how to move children with anxiety-led behavior
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ูƒูŠููŠุฉ ุชุญุฑูŠูƒ ุงู„ุงุทูุงู„ ู…ุน ุงู„ุณู„ูˆูƒ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠู‚ูˆุฏู‡ ุงู„ู‚ู„ู‚
15:09
towards happier times.
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ู†ุญูˆ ุฃูˆู‚ุงุช ุฃูƒุซุฑ ุณุนุงุฏุฉ.
15:12
So far through our work,
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ุญุชู‰ ุงู„ุขู† ู…ู† ุฎู„ุงู„ ุนู…ู„ู†ุงุŒ
15:14
we know of over 2,000 children who've successfully achieved this.
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ู†ุญู† ู†ุนุฑู ุฃูƒุซุฑ ู…ู† 2000 ุทูู„ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ุญู‚ู‚ูˆุง ู‡ุฐุง ุจู†ุฌุงุญ.
15:20
We know from research
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ู†ุญู† ู†ุนุฑู ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุจุญุงุซ
15:22
that our prison population is significantly overrepresented
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ุฃู† ู†ุฒู„ุงุก ุณุฌูˆู†ู†ุง ูŠุชู… ุชู…ุซูŠู„ู‡ุง ุจุดูƒู„ ุฒุงุฆุฏ ุจุดูƒู„ ูƒุจูŠุฑ
15:28
by adults who have ADHD
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ู…ู† ู‚ุจู„ ุงู„ุจุงู„ุบูŠู† ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูŠุนุงู†ูˆู† ู…ู† ุงุถุทุฑุงุจ ูุฑุท ุงู„ุญุฑูƒุฉ
15:32
or who have a learning disability
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ุฃูˆ ู…ู† ู„ุฏูŠู‡ู… ุตุนูˆุจุงุช ููŠ ุงู„ุชุนู„ู…
15:34
or who are autistic.
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ุฃูˆ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูŠุนุงู†ูˆู† ู…ู† ุงู„ุชูˆุญุฏ.
15:37
But it doesn't have to be like this.
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ู„ูƒู† ู„ุง ูŠุฌุจ ุฃู† ูŠูƒูˆู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ุนู„ู‰ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ู†ุญูˆ.
15:40
For decades, we've been giving parents the wrong advice,
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ู„ุนู‚ูˆุฏ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฒู…ู†ุŒ ูƒู†ุง ู†ุนุทูŠ ู†ุตูŠุญุฉ ุฎุงุทุฆุฉ ู„ู„ูˆุงู„ุฏูŠู†,
15:46
and then we've been blaming them when it goes even more wrong.
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ูˆู…ู† ุซู… ูƒู†ุง ู†ู„ูˆู…ู‡ู… ุนู†ุฏู…ุง ุชุณูˆุก ุงู„ุฃู…ูˆุฑ ุจุดูƒู„ ุฃูƒุจุฑ.
15:50
If instead we can step in early enough
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ุฅุฐุง ุจุฏู„ุงู‹ ู…ู† ุฐู„ูƒ ูŠู…ูƒู†ู†ุง ุงู„ุชุฏุฎู„ ููŠ ูˆู‚ุช ู…ุจูƒุฑ ุจู…ุง ููŠู‡ ุงู„ูƒูุงูŠุฉ
15:54
and provide parents with the strategies,
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ูˆุชุฒูˆูŠุฏ ุฃูˆู„ูŠุงุก ุงู„ุฃู…ูˆุฑ ุจุงู„ุงุณุชุฑุงุชูŠุฌูŠุงุชุŒ
15:58
the support, the skills and the confidence they need,
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ุงู„ุฏุนู… ูˆุงู„ู…ู‡ุงุฑุงุช ูˆุงู„ุซู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ูŠุญุชุงุฌูˆู†ู‡ุงุŒ
16:03
they really can change the course of their child's life.
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ูŠู…ูƒู†ู‡ู… ุญู‚ู‹ุง ุชุบูŠูŠุฑ ุงู„ู…ุณุงุฑ ู…ู† ุญูŠุงุฉ ุทูู„ู‡ู….
16:07
But this is not a parental competence issue.
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ู‡ุฐุง ู„ูŠุณ ุงู„ูˆุงู„ุฏูŠู† ู…ุณุฃู„ุฉ ุงู„ูƒูุงุกุฉ.
16:10
Far from it.
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ุจุนูŠุฏ ุนู†ู‡.
16:12
This group of parents have taught me so much
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ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ู…ุฌู…ูˆุนุฉ ู…ู† ุงู„ุขุจุงุก ู„ู‚ุฏ ุนู„ู…ุชู†ูŠ ุงู„ูƒุซูŠุฑ
16:16
and shown me how much can be achieved
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ุจุงู„ู…ุซุงุจุฑุฉ ูˆุงู„ุดุฌุงุนุฉ ุงู„ุญู‚ูŠู‚ูŠุฉุŒ
16:20
with tenacity, true courage,
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ุจุงู„ู…ุซุงุจุฑุฉ ูˆุงู„ุดุฌุงุนุฉ ุงู„ุญู‚ูŠู‚ูŠุฉุŒ
16:25
hope and unconditional love.
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ุงู„ุฃู…ู„ ูˆุงู„ุญุจ ุบูŠุฑ ุงู„ู…ุดุฑูˆุท.
16:28
These parents,
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ู‡ุคู„ุงุก ุงู„ุขุจุงุกุŒ
16:30
their parenting skills are already at ninja level
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ู…ู‡ุงุฑุงุชู‡ู… ุงู„ูˆุงู„ุฏูŠุฉ ู‡ู… ุจุงู„ูุนู„ ุนู„ู‰ ู…ุณุชูˆู‰ ุงู„ู†ูŠู†ุฌุง
16:35
and they've helped me to realize
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ูˆู‚ุฏ ุณุงุนุฏูˆู†ูŠ ุนู„ู‰ ุฅุฏุฑุงูƒ ุฐู„ูƒ
16:36
that all that time long ago, so were mine.
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ุฃู†ู‡ ู…ู†ุฐ ูƒู„ ุฐู„ูƒ ุงู„ูˆู‚ุช ู…ู†ุฐ ูุชุฑุฉ ุทูˆูŠู„ุฉุŒ ูƒุงู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ูƒุฐู„ูƒ, ุจู†ุณุจุฉ ู„ูŠ.
16:41
If you see something that doesn't quite make sense,
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ุฅุฐุง ุฑุฃูŠุช ุดูŠุฆู‹ุง ู‡ุฐุง ู„ูŠุณ ู…ู†ุทู‚ูŠู‹ุง ุชู…ุงู…ู‹ุงุŒ
16:44
there may still be a clear logic as to what they're doing
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ุฑุจู…ุง ู„ุง ูŠุฒุงู„ ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ู…ู†ุทู‚ ูˆุงุถุญ ููŠู…ุง ูŠุชุนู„ู‚ ุจู…ุง ูŠูุนู„ูˆู†ู‡
16:50
and why they're doing it.
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ูˆู„ู…ุงุฐุง ูŠูุนู„ูˆู† ุฐู„ูƒ.
16:52
Please don't judge.
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ู…ู† ูุถู„ูƒ ู„ุง ุชุญูƒู….
16:54
Please stay curious
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ู…ู† ูุถู„ูƒ ุงุจู‚ู‰ ูุถูˆู„ูŠุง
16:56
and please keep asking those "why" questions.
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ูˆูŠุฑุฌู‰ ุงู„ุงุณุชู…ุฑุงุฑ ููŠ ุงู„ุณุคุงู„ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุฃุณุฆู„ุฉ โ€œู„ู…ุงุฐุงโ€œ.
17:00
Because that's how you can help somebody like me feel valued,
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ู„ุฃู† ู‡ุฐู‡ ู‡ูŠ ุงู„ุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ูŠู…ูƒู†ูƒ ุงู„ู…ุณุงุนุฏุฉ ุจู‡ุง ุดุฎุต ู…ุซู„ูŠ ูŠุดุนุฑ ุจุงู„ุชู‚ุฏูŠุฑุŒ
17:06
understood and included.
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ู…ูู‡ูˆู…ุฉ ูˆู…ุชุถู…ู†ุฉ.
17:10
And let's be honest,
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ูˆู„ู†ูƒู† ุตุงุฏู‚ูŠู†ุŒ
17:11
isn't that what the NHS is all about?
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ุฃู„ูŠุณ ู‡ุฐุง ู…ุง ุชุฏูˆุฑ ุญูˆู„ู‡ ุงู„ุฎุฏู…ุงุช ุงู„ุตุญูŠุฉ ุงู„ูˆุทู†ูŠุฉุŸ
17:14
Thank you.
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ุดูƒุฑู‹ุง ู„ูƒู….
17:15
(Applause and cheers)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚ ูˆู‡ุชุงู)
ุญูˆู„ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ู…ูˆู‚ุน

ุณูŠู‚ุฏู… ู„ูƒ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ู…ูˆู‚ุน ู…ู‚ุงุทุน ููŠุฏูŠูˆ YouTube ุงู„ู…ููŠุฏุฉ ู„ุชุนู„ู… ุงู„ู„ุบุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ. ุณุชุฑู‰ ุฏุฑูˆุณ ุงู„ู„ุบุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ูŠุชู… ุชุฏุฑูŠุณู‡ุง ู…ู† ู‚ุจู„ ู…ุฏุฑุณูŠู† ู…ู† ุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุฉ ุงู„ุฃูˆู„ู‰ ู…ู† ุฌู…ูŠุน ุฃู†ุญุงุก ุงู„ุนุงู„ู…. ุงู†ู‚ุฑ ู†ู‚ุฑู‹ุง ู…ุฒุฏูˆุฌู‹ุง ููˆู‚ ุงู„ุชุฑุฌู…ุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ุนุฑูˆุถุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ูƒู„ ุตูุญุฉ ููŠุฏูŠูˆ ู„ุชุดุบูŠู„ ุงู„ููŠุฏูŠูˆ ู…ู† ู‡ู†ุงูƒ. ูŠุชู… ุชู…ุฑูŠุฑ ุงู„ุชุฑุฌู…ุงุช ุจุงู„ุชุฒุงู…ู† ู…ุน ุชุดุบูŠู„ ุงู„ููŠุฏูŠูˆ. ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู† ู„ุฏูŠูƒ ุฃูŠ ุชุนู„ูŠู‚ุงุช ุฃูˆ ุทู„ุจุงุช ุŒ ูŠุฑุฌู‰ ุงู„ุงุชุตุงู„ ุจู†ุง ุจุงุณุชุฎุฏุงู… ู†ู…ูˆุฐุฌ ุงู„ุงุชุตุงู„ ู‡ุฐุง.

https://forms.gle/WvT1wiN1qDtmnspy7