How to Meet Your Child's Difficult Behavior with Compassion | Yvonne Newbold | TED

譯者: 麗玲 辛

Tell me,

告訴我，

have you ever seen somebody else's child

你有在超市見過

別人的孩子表現得很糟糕嗎？

behave appallingly in a supermarket?

(Audience murmurs)

（觀眾低語聲）

Did you secretly blame the mum for her lack of control?

你是否暗地裡責怪那位媽媽 對孩子的掌控不足？

Or did you even feel a little bit smug

或者你有點沾沾自喜，

because you knew that your child would never behave like that?

因為知道自己的小孩 永遠不會做出那樣的行為？

For 10 long years I was that mum you were staring at.

漫長的十年裡，我就是 你盯著看的那個媽媽，

那些目光很傷人，

And those stares hurt.

They made me feel I was failing as a parent.

讓我覺得我是失敗的父母。

And it wasn't just other people who I didn't know in shops

不僅是商店裡那些陌生人

that would stare and that were judging me.

在注視、評判我，

That judgment came from friends and family,

這些評判還來自朋友和家人，

from health care professionals,

來自醫療專業人員，

from school staff and from social workers.

來自學校教職人員，來自社工。

Being judged consistently for such a long period of time

長時間備受評判

diminished my self-esteem and my self-confidence.

削弱了我的自尊和自信，

It left me feeling crushed and broken.

使我感到消沉、心灰意冷。

It had a really overwhelming impact

這對我的能力產生極大的影響，

on my ability to be able to do anything well,

做任何事情都無法得心應手，

including my ability to be the best parent possible

覺得無能為力， 做我三個孩子的好媽媽，

to my three children

at exactly the time they really needed me to be right at the top of my game.

即便在他們需要 我全力以赴的時刻。

Now, my middle child, Toby,

我的老二托比，

he's gorgeous.

他非常可愛。

He is funny, he's boisterous.

他很有趣，很活潑，

愛和人們互動。

He loves people.

But he also has a profound intellectual disability.

但他有嚴重的智力障礙，

He's autistic and he can't talk.

他患有自閉症，而且不會說話。

And that means that, sadly,

可悲的是，

Toby's also had to get used to being judged and stared at as well.

這意味著托比也必須習慣 被評判和盯著看。

Just think what a scary place the world must be for Toby.

想像一下對於托比來說， 這個世界多麼可怕。

And he can't even ask any questions

他甚至無法提問，

to try and help him make sense of what's going on around him.

幫助自己理解周圍發生的事情。

When somebody can't talk,

當一個人無法說話，

often, the only effective way they have of communicating

唯一有效的溝通方式

is through their behavior.

就是透過行為。

And throughout Toby's childhood, the more frightened he became,

整個童年時期，托比越害怕，

the more frightening his behavior became as well.

他的行為也越可怕。

For those ten years, our family lived with terrifying,

在那十年裡，我們一家人生活在

可怕的暴力挑戰行為中。

violent and challenging behavior,

with somebody getting hurt nearly every single day.

幾乎每一天都有人受傷。

Now Toby had a fantastic team of specialists around him,

托比身邊其實有個 出色的專業團隊，

but nobody knew how to help.

但沒有人知道如何幫他。

Staff had not had any training in anxiety-led challenging behavior

工作人員沒有受過 焦慮導致挑戰行為的相關培訓，

and there were so few, if any, services

而且幾乎沒有提供任何支援服務

that had been developed to support families like ours.

給像我們這樣的家庭。

And here we are, nearly 20 years later

而現在，幾乎 20 年過去了，

and nothing's changed.

沒有任何改變。

Instead of getting the essential help

這些家庭沒有得到

and urgent support these families need,

所需的基本協助和緊急支援，

they are instead being repeatedly

相反地，他們不斷

and wrongfully blamed, shamed and judged

因為孩子焦慮導致的行為 被錯怪、羞辱和評判。

for their children's anxiety-led behavior.

And they're also being told that they're being too soft

他們還被告知，他們太心軟，

and that they're spoiling their child.

會寵壞孩子。

Throughout all those times,

在那段時間，

everyone was urging me to parent Toby harder and stricter and more firmly.

每個人都敦促我要更堅決、 嚴格地教養托比。

I followed their advice to the letter,

我完全按照他們的建議去做，

but Toby's behavior got worse, not better.

但托比的行為不但沒有好轉， 反而變得更糟。

Of course it did.

當然會如此。

I can see that now.

我現在明白了。

He was a frightened and distressed little boy.

這個小男孩害怕又痛苦。

He needed love and kindness.

他需要愛和善意。

Being harsh and strict was never going to work.

嚴厲和嚴格是行不通的，

But I didn't know that then.

但我當時並不知道，

So I really tried to follow all that advice.

所以我努力遵循所有的建議。

Everyone was singing from the same song sheet,

每個人的說法都一樣。

and the message was loud and clear,

明確的言外之意是，

that I was an incompetent parent who was failing my child

我是個無能的父母， 正在辜負我的孩子，

and badly letting down his brother and sister.

也對不起他的兄弟姐妹。

Those years were incredibly tough

那些年非常艱難，

and all that judgment made it so much harder.

外人的評判使情況變得更加困難。

A little bit of kindness and an attempt at understanding

一點點的善意和嘗試理解

就可能有很大助益。

could have gone to so far.

Over time, in the absence of any professional help,

隨著時間，在缺乏專業幫助的情況下，

I eventually developed my own wild and wacky strategies

我最終發展出自己奇特而古怪的策略，

that sometimes worked.

有時奏效。

However, people then were often as bewildered

不過，當時別人常因我的奇特行為

by my own decidedly odd behavior as they were by Toby's,

感到困惑，就像對托比的行為一樣，

particularly at hospital appointments.

尤其是在醫院回診時。

Now, hospitals are very controlled

醫院是高度受控和結構化的環境，

and structured environments

staffed by highly trained professionals.

訓練有素的專業人員在此工作。

That's absolutely everything that Toby is not.

這完全跟托比不同調。

Toby's noisy and he's playful and he's chaotic and he's disruptive.

托比很吵鬧，很頑皮， 不受控，而且愛搗亂，

It was always going to be a disconnect.

所以總是會造成脫節。

The other thing about Toby is he's incredibly hospital-savvy.

再者，對托比來說，醫院他很熟。

He can spot a healthcare professional at 100 paces,

他可以在百步之外認出醫護人員，

and you're not always his favorite people.

他不一定喜歡這些人。

He also knows things about hospitals that you don't know.

他也知道一些醫院的事情， 你們不知道。

He knows that if he's halfway down a really long hospital corridor,

他知道，如果他在一條非常長的 醫院走廊上，走到一半，

if he shouts at the top of his voice,

高聲喊叫，

it's going to create magnificent echoes

會產生巨大的回聲，

and people are going to react.

而人們會有何種反應。

Almost every time

幾乎每次一到醫院，

within seconds of arriving at a hospital,

不到幾秒鐘，

people were giving us a wide berth and they were already rolling their eyes.

人們就會遠遠避開，翻著白眼。

Now, keeping Toby safe and happy in a hospital isn't easy.

讓托比在醫院裡安全又快樂並不容易。

But if I failed, people could get hurt and equipment broken.

但如果我沒做到，別人可能會受傷， 設備可能會損壞，

So the stakes were high.

所以風險很高。

I was constantly on hyper alert, ready to leap in,

我得一直保持高度警惕， 隨時準備干預，

to distract or divert

轉移他的注意力，

if things looked a bit tricky.

如果情況看起來有點棘手。

And it was essential that I was able to communicate with Toby

至關重要的是，

我能夠用我知道托比最可能 理解的方式與他溝通。

in ways that I knew he'd have the best chance of understanding.

Unfortunately, there wasn't always time

不幸的是，有時候我並沒有時間

to explain to people what I was doing and why.

向人們解釋我的行為以及原因。

So if you wanted to take Toby's blood or to do his blood pressure,

如果你想抽托比的血，或者量血壓，

I might thrust my arm out like this

我會先伸出我的手，像這樣，

and ask you to pretend to do it to me first.

請你假裝幫我抽血、量血壓。

Because that way,

因為這樣，

Toby has a better chance of understanding what's going on,

托比有可能比較理解狀況，

so he's going to be more likely to cooperate.

他就比較可能合作。

Toby also understands things much better

如果你用唱的，托比也比較容易懂。

if they're sung to him.

So if you need to listen to his chest

如果你要聽他的胸腔，

and he needs to lift his T-shirt up to let you be able to do it,

需要他把衣服拉起，讓你聽，

I might have to tell him like this:

我可能要這樣告訴他：

(Singing) Where is Toby's tummy?

（唱歌）托比的肚肚在那裡？

Where is Toby's tummy?

托比的肚肚在那裡？

Where is Toby's tummy?

托比的肚肚在那裡？

Show it to the doctor.

讓醫生看一下。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you.

謝謝。

Toby isn't naturally compliant, but he loves playing games.

托比不會自然順從，但他喜歡玩遊戲。

So at the end of an appointment,

例如，某次回診結束，

if Toby is far too happy sitting on your floor

托比很不開心地坐在診間地上，

and emptying all your cupboards to want to stand up and leave,

把櫃子裏的東西都挖出， 不想站起來離開，

I might have to play "Where is Toby's face?"

我可能就得玩：「托比的臉在那裡？」

Now, I play this by cupping my hands like this in face shape

我玩這個遊戲時， 會像這樣將雙手捧成臉型，

and putting it all over the room, saying things like,

將手放在房間不同地方，然後說，

"Is that Toby's face?

「這是托比的臉嗎？

Where is Toby's face?

托比的臉在哪裡？

Has anybody seen Toby's face?

有人見過托比的臉嗎？

Oh, could that be Toby's face?"

哦，那是托比的臉嗎？」

Eventually he'll cotton on to what I'm doing,

最終，他會明白我在做什麼。

he’ll burst out laughing,

他會爆笑出來。

he'll stand up,

站起來，

he'll lean his hands into my face and great.

把手（臉）放進我的臉（手）裡。

Except that, if it's a really bad day,

不過，如果那天很難熬，

we may still have to perform the entire “hooray dance”

我們可能還要跳完整個「歡呼舞」，

before we can leave you in peace.

然後才還給大家安寧。

Now, by now,

這個時候，

the look on the face of the average clinician

看診醫生的表情

is one of sheer horror and fear.

會是純粹的驚恐和害怕。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And there's a clear assumption that I've lost the plot and gone bonkers.

他心裡明顯覺得我行爲怪異，瘋了。

The very worst thing that can happen next

接下來最糟糕的狀況是，

is if that clinician decides to try to take over.

如果那位醫生決定接手。

And ...

然後…

Because they obviously can't believe I know what I'm doing.

因為他們顯然不相信 我知道我在做什麼，

That has meant that sometimes Toby's been physically manhandled

所以，有時候托比被強行拖出房間，

out of the room

while he and I are both being told off really loudly.

還大聲訓斥我們兩個。

That's almost exactly what's guaranteed to frighten Toby

這肯定會嚇到托比，

into the worst type of behavior possible.

讓他做出最糟糕的行為。

Sometimes we had a fantastic experience.

有時候，我們有很棒的經驗，

We've met some great people who've been really happy

遇到了一些好人，

to join in and play along.

他們非常樂意參與、配合。

It's remarkable how well a game of hide and seek

真是不可思議，

躲貓貓遊戲好適合用來評估

can lend itself to assessments of cognition, communication skills,

認知、溝通技巧、行動能力， 甚至托比的呼吸狀況。

mobility and even Toby's breathing.

But whenever I've really felt judged in those situations,

不過，每當我覺得受到批判，

all I've wanted to do is to run away as fast and as far as I can

我唯一想做的就是 盡快離開那個辦公室，

out of your office.

越遠越好。

Now, when I'm feeling like that,

如果我有這種感覺，

it's almost impossible for me to open up

我幾乎不可能向你敞開心扉，

and share with you my real concerns about Toby's health,

告訴你我對托比健康的真正擔憂。

which means that's going to make your job much harder

這意味著你的工作將變得更加困難，

in being able to assess him

無法對他進行評估

and to come up with treatment options,

和提出治療方案，

which of course is going to impact on Toby

這當然會影響托比

and his long-term outcomes and well-being.

和他的長期狀況及福祉。

Being judgmental really can be the starting place of health inequalities.

動輒評判他人 真的會造成健康不平等。

But being judgmental is so easy.

但批評別人是如此容易。

When you judge people who already feel vulnerable,

當你評判那些感到脆弱的人，

you're only ever going to make us feel more ashamed, more rejected,

你只會讓我們感到更羞恥、受排擠、

and more unworthy.

更沒有價值。

Kindness is so important.

善良很重要， 可以產生極大的影響。

It can make such a big difference. Kindness is powerful

善良有強大力量， 真的會激發我們最好的一面。

and it really can bring out the best in all of us.

But I've got another favorite word: curiosity.

但我還有另一個最喜歡的詞，好奇心。

When we stay curious,

當我們保持好奇，

we keep asking those "why" questions,

我們會一直問「為什麼」，

which helps us to build bridges towards better understanding.

這有助於我們跨越差異，更加理解。

When we stay curious,

當我們有好奇心，

it keeps our hearts and our minds open,

我們的心和思想就會保持開放，

which helps to prevent us forming those judgments.

避免形成評判。

If ever you see me with Toby and my behavior's looking a bit off,

如果你看到我和托比在一起， 而我的行為看起來有點奇怪，

the very best question you can possibly ask me is

最好的問題是：

"Do you need any help?

「你需要幫忙嗎？ 如果需要，我能做什麼？」

And if so, what can I do?"

Eventually, we were referred to a fantastic team

最終，我們被轉介給一個出色的團隊，

who totally understood

他們完全理解

why young people like Toby can develop these anxiety-led behaviors.

為什麼像托比這樣的年輕人 會出現這些由焦慮引起的行為。

Dr. Helen Simmons and David Smith.

海倫·西蒙斯博士和大衛·史密斯，

They were there for us, they listened,

他們一直陪伴我們，傾聽，

they just understood.

全然理解，

They just got it.

他們明白，

And never once did they make me feel ashamed, blamed or judged.

他們從來沒有讓我感到 羞恥、責備或評判。

I was so excited that first day that David was due to come to our house

大衛剛來到我們家的 第一天，我非常興奮，

and I couldn't wait to ask him that all-important question,

我迫不及待地問他 這個非常重要的問題：

"So, David, how are we going to change Toby's behavior?"

「大衛，我們要如何 改變托比的行為呢？」

David put his cup of tea down.

大衛放下了他的茶杯，

He looked at me.

看著我，

He took in a deep breath and then he dropped a bombshell.

深吸了一口氣，然後 他說出一句震驚人心的話。

"No, Yvonne, I'm not here to change Toby's behavior.

「我來這裡， 不是為了改變托比的行為，

I'm here to change yours."

我是來改變你的行為的。」

"What?"

「什麼？」

I was not happy, I was horrified.

我當時並不高興，而且感到驚恐。

It sounded like the same old, same old blame judgment all over again.

他的話聽起來像是 老一套的責怪和評判，

But it wasn't.

但實際上不是的。

What he was showing me is that I had to change first.

他讓我明白， 我才是那個得先改變的人。

So ...

所以，

I had to unlearn almost everything I thought I knew about parenting.

我必須忘記所有 我以為理解的親職知識。

What I learned was about anxiety

我學到關於焦慮的知識 ，

and exactly why Toby’s behavior became so difficult,

托比的行為變得如此難搞，

because anxiety made him so terrified.

是因為焦慮使他害怕。

I learned that when he was lashing out,

我學到的是，他發脾氣時，

what he was really trying to do was to scream out for help

實際上，他是想大喊求助，

because he felt so frightened

因為他感到十分害怕，

and the world was so confusing and he needed help.

世界是如此混亂，他需要幫助。

I learned that when he had hurt me, it wasn't because he hated me.

我學到的是，他傷害我， 不是因為他恨我，

It was because he trusted me more than anybody else in the world

而是因為他相信，我比世界上任何人

to be able to offer him that help that he so badly needed.

更能提供他極度需要的幫助。

So up until then,

在那之前，

I had gone up and up and up

我一直以越來越嚴格、

in terms of being stricter and harsher and firmer

越來越嚴厲、堅定的 方式來養育托比，

in the way I parented Toby,

just like everybody had told me to.

就像每個人叫我做的那樣。

I thought I'd tried everything.

我以為我已經竭盡所能，

I didn't think there was anything left.

我以為沒有其他方法了。

Helen and David showed me

海倫和大衛為我指出

that there was an entirely different direction

一個完全不同的方向，

and I could go down and down and down as well.

我可以走下去的方向。

So my parenting became more loving, more understanding,

所以，我的教養方式變得 更加充滿愛心、更加理解、

more collaborative and kinder.

更多合作和友善。

It changed everything.

這改變了一切。

Toby responded brilliantly,

托比的反應極好，

and it was like watching magic happen.

就像見證魔法發生一樣。

Toby is now 28.

如今，托比已經 28 歲，

He's incredibly happy.

他非常幸福，

He's doing so well and things are really good.

表現出色，一切都很好。

I now know that it was never about Toby's behavior.

我現在知道，關鍵不是托比的行為，

It was always about trying to find ways

而是我們得找到方法，

to help Toby feel safer and less frightened

幫助托比在這個他感到困惑的世界中

in a world that often seemed confusing to him.

覺得更安全，恐懼感減少。

I now run Newbold Hope.

我現在管理「紐博爾德希望」，

It's a parent-led organization

這是一個由家長領導的組織，

devoted to teaching parents and professionals

致力於教導家長和專業人員，

how to move children with anxiety-led behavior

學習如何幫助 患有焦慮導致行為問題的兒童

towards happier times.

走向更快樂的生活。

So far through our work,

透過我們的努力，迄今為止，

we know of over 2,000 children who've successfully achieved this.

我們知道有超過二千名兒童 成功實現了這一目標。

We know from research

我們從研究中得知，

that our prison population is significantly overrepresented

目前監獄中，明顯過多比率的成人

by adults who have ADHD

患有注意力不足過動症、

or who have a learning disability

學習障礙

or who are autistic.

或自閉症。

But it doesn't have to be like this.

但狀況不應如此。

For decades, we've been giving parents the wrong advice,

數十年來，我們一直 給予家長錯誤的建議，

and then we've been blaming them when it goes even more wrong.

然後，當情況變糟， 我們又指責他們。

If instead we can step in early enough

如果我們能及早介入，

and provide parents with the strategies,

為家長提供他們需要的策略、

the support, the skills and the confidence they need,

支持、技能和信心，

they really can change the course of their child's life.

他們真的可以改變 自己孩子的生命軌跡。

But this is not a parental competence issue.

但這不是父母能力問題，

Far from it.

絕非如此。

This group of parents have taught me so much

這群父母教會了我很多東西，

and shown me how much can be achieved

並讓我看到了擁有毅力、

with tenacity, true courage,

真正的勇氣、希望和無條件的愛時， 可以實現多大的成就。

hope and unconditional love.

These parents,

這些父母，

their parenting skills are already at ninja level

他們的教養技巧已經是忍者級別，

and they've helped me to realize

他們讓我意識到，

that all that time long ago, so were mine.

很久以前，我的技巧也是。

If you see something that doesn't quite make sense,

當你看到一些事情不太合理，

there may still be a clear logic as to what they're doing

他們的做法及其原因

可能仍有明確的邏輯。

and why they're doing it.

Please don't judge.

請不要評判。

Please stay curious

請保持好奇。

and please keep asking those "why" questions.

請繼續問「為什麼？」

Because that's how you can help somebody like me feel valued,

因為，這樣，你能讓 像我這樣的人感到受重視、

understood and included.

被理解、被接納

老實說，

And let's be honest,

isn't that what the NHS is all about?

這不正是國民健康服務的宗旨嗎？

謝謝。

Thank you.

(Applause and cheers)

（掌聲和歡呼聲）