How to Meet Your Child's Difficult Behavior with Compassion | Yvonne Newbold | TED

翻译人员: Laixi Kang

Tell me,

告诉我，

have you ever seen somebody else's child

你是否曾经目睹别人家的小孩

behave appallingly in a supermarket?

在超市里出现恶劣的行为？

(Audience murmurs)

（观众低语）

Did you secretly blame the mum for her lack of control?

你是不是暗自责怪那位妈妈 管不好自己的孩子？

Or did you even feel a little bit smug

或者，你是否感到一丝洋洋自得，

because you knew that your child would never behave like that?

因为你家的小孩绝对不会这样丢人现眼？

For 10 long years I was that mum you were staring at.

漫长的十年来，我就是 众人目光下的那名母亲。

And those stares hurt.

那些目光刺痛了我。

They made me feel I was failing as a parent.

它们让我觉得我是个失败的母亲。

And it wasn't just other people who I didn't know in shops

而且并不只有超市里的陌生人

that would stare and that were judging me.

会盯着我、对我评头论足。

That judgment came from friends and family,

对我的评判也来自于朋友和家人，

from health care professionals,

专业医护人员，

from school staff and from social workers.

还有学校的职员和社工。

Being judged consistently for such a long period of time

在如此长时间内持续地被人评判

diminished my self-esteem and my self-confidence.

损害了我的自尊心和自信心。

It left me feeling crushed and broken.

我觉得自己支离破碎，好像被压垮了。

It had a really overwhelming impact

同时，这极大地影响到我

on my ability to be able to do anything well,

做好任何事情的能力，

including my ability to be the best parent possible

包括尽全力给我的三个孩子 做最好的母亲，

to my three children

at exactly the time they really needed me to be right at the top of my game.

尤其在他们最需要我 拿出最大的精力的时候。

Now, my middle child, Toby,

我家的老二，托比，

he's gorgeous.

非常帅气，

He is funny, he's boisterous.

风趣幽默又精力旺盛。

He loves people.

他很喜欢人们。

But he also has a profound intellectual disability.

但同时，他也有严重的智力障碍。

He's autistic and he can't talk.

他是自闭症患者，无法讲话。

And that means that, sadly,

不幸的是，这意味着

Toby's also had to get used to being judged and stared at as well.

托比也必须习惯被人评头论足的生活。

Just think what a scary place the world must be for Toby.

想想看，这世界对于托比来说 该是多么可怕的地方。

And he can't even ask any questions

而他甚至无法提问

to try and help him make sense of what's going on around him.

来帮助他理解他周遭发生的一切。

When somebody can't talk,

对于不能讲话的人来说，

often, the only effective way they have of communicating

唯一有效的沟通方式

is through their behavior.

通常是他们的行为。

And throughout Toby's childhood, the more frightened he became,

而在托比的童年， 他越害怕，

the more frightening his behavior became as well.

他的行为也会变得越可怕。

For those ten years, our family lived with terrifying,

在那十年间，我们一家必须和

violent and challenging behavior,

可怕的暴力行为一同生活，

with somebody getting hurt nearly every single day.

几乎每天都有人受伤。

Now Toby had a fantastic team of specialists around him,

现在，托比有一个很棒的专家团队，

but nobody knew how to help.

但当时没人知道怎么帮助他。

Staff had not had any training in anxiety-led challenging behavior

职员们并未接受任何训练 助他们应对因焦虑引发的棘手行为，

and there were so few, if any, services

同时，针对像我们这样的家庭的资源

that had been developed to support families like ours.

也寥寥无几。

And here we are, nearly 20 years later

这已经是将近 20 年前的事情了，

and nothing's changed.

然而事态并无改变。

Instead of getting the essential help

这些家庭没有得到基本的帮助

and urgent support these families need,

或是紧急的支持，

they are instead being repeatedly

相反，他们持续地

and wrongfully blamed, shamed and judged

受到错误的指责、羞辱和评判，

for their children's anxiety-led behavior.

只因他们的孩子们出现 因焦虑引发的行为。

And they're also being told that they're being too soft

他们被告知说他们太软弱，

and that they're spoiling their child.

对孩子娇惯溺爱。

Throughout all those times,

这些年以来，

everyone was urging me to parent Toby harder and stricter and more firmly.

每个人都劝我对托比要更加严厉坚决。

I followed their advice to the letter,

我一字不差地听从了他们的建议，

but Toby's behavior got worse, not better.

然而托比的行为却越发糟糕。

Of course it did.

这是理所当然的。

I can see that now.

现在我就知道了。

He was a frightened and distressed little boy.

他不过是个害怕的、痛苦的小男孩。

He needed love and kindness.

他需要的是爱和善意。

Being harsh and strict was never going to work.

对他严词厉色是不会有用的。

But I didn't know that then.

但我那时候不懂得这一点。

So I really tried to follow all that advice.

所以我认真地践行了这一建议。

Everyone was singing from the same song sheet,

所有人的建议都如出一辙，

and the message was loud and clear,

主旨清晰明确，

that I was an incompetent parent who was failing my child

即我是个不合格的母亲， 辜负了我的孩子

and badly letting down his brother and sister.

和他的兄弟姐妹。

Those years were incredibly tough

那几年本就足够艰难，

and all that judgment made it so much harder.

我所面对的评判只是雪上加霜。

A little bit of kindness and an attempt at understanding

仅仅是一点善意，一点尝试对我的理解，

could have gone to so far.

都会对我帮助极大。

Over time, in the absence of any professional help,

渐渐地，在没有任何专业帮助的情况下，

I eventually developed my own wild and wacky strategies

我最终发展出我自己的疯狂策略来，

that sometimes worked.

有时候它们还是有用的。

However, people then were often as bewildered

然而，人们开始觉得我古怪的行为

by my own decidedly odd behavior as they were by Toby's,

和托比的行为一样让人困惑，

particularly at hospital appointments.

尤其是在医院看病的时候。

Now, hospitals are very controlled

医院的环境受到严控，

and structured environments

有条不紊，

staffed by highly trained professionals.

配备训练有素的专业人员。

That's absolutely everything that Toby is not.

这和托比完全相反。

Toby's noisy and he's playful and he's chaotic and he's disruptive.

托比声音大，爱玩闹，又很调皮。

It was always going to be a disconnect.

他永远都不会在医院如鱼得水。

The other thing about Toby is he's incredibly hospital-savvy.

同时，托比对医院的了解极其深入。

He can spot a healthcare professional at 100 paces,

他能够在百步之遥立马识别出医护人员，

and you're not always his favorite people.

而这些人往往不是他喜欢的人。

He also knows things about hospitals that you don't know.

他还知道很多你不知道的 关于医院的知识。

He knows that if he's halfway down a really long hospital corridor,

比如，他知道当他走在一条很长的 医院过道里的时候，

if he shouts at the top of his voice,

如果他突然高声大叫，

it's going to create magnificent echoes

他可以制造出一串壮大的回音，

and people are going to react.

可以引起人们的注意。

Almost every time

几乎每次，

within seconds of arriving at a hospital,

在抵达医院的数秒之内，

people were giving us a wide berth and they were already rolling their eyes.

人们就会对我们敬而远之， 对我们翻白眼。

Now, keeping Toby safe and happy in a hospital isn't easy.

要让托比在医院里 感到安全舒心是件难事。

But if I failed, people could get hurt and equipment broken.

但如果我做不到，就可能有人受伤， 或是仪器受到损害。

So the stakes were high.

所以我的责任很重。

I was constantly on hyper alert, ready to leap in,

我总是神经高度紧张，时刻准备着

to distract or divert

转移注意力，

if things looked a bit tricky.

如果情况看起来有点棘手的话。

And it was essential that I was able to communicate with Toby

同时，能够与托比沟通也十分重要，

in ways that I knew he'd have the best chance of understanding.

而且是通过我知道 他最能理解的方式沟通。

Unfortunately, there wasn't always time

很不幸，我常常没时间

to explain to people what I was doing and why.

向人们解释我的行为和其理由。

So if you wanted to take Toby's blood or to do his blood pressure,

假如说你想给托比抽血，给他验血压，

I might thrust my arm out like this

我大概会抽出自己的手臂，

and ask you to pretend to do it to me first.

让你先假装给我抽。

Because that way,

这样的话，

Toby has a better chance of understanding what's going on,

托比会更能够理解正在发生的事情，

so he's going to be more likely to cooperate.

也就更有可能愿意合作。

Toby also understands things much better

给托比唱歌也会大大提高 他对事情的理解程度。

if they're sung to him.

So if you need to listen to his chest

假如你要给他测量心跳，

and he needs to lift his T-shirt up to let you be able to do it,

需要他提起自己的 T 恤，

I might have to tell him like this:

我可能得这样告诉他：

(Singing) Where is Toby's tummy?

（唱歌）托比的肚子在哪里？

Where is Toby's tummy?

托比的肚子在哪里？

Where is Toby's tummy?

托比的肚子在哪里？

Show it to the doctor.

给医生看看吧。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Thank you.

谢谢。

Toby isn't naturally compliant, but he loves playing games.

托比本身并不十分顺从， 但他喜欢玩游戏。

So at the end of an appointment,

所以在看病完后，

if Toby is far too happy sitting on your floor

当他开心地坐在地上，

and emptying all your cupboards to want to stand up and leave,

把你柜子里的所有东西都拿出来， 不愿意起身离开的时候，

I might have to play "Where is Toby's face?"

我就得和他玩“托比的脸在哪里？”。

Now, I play this by cupping my hands like this in face shape

这个游戏的玩法是， 我用手比起托脸的姿势，

and putting it all over the room, saying things like,

在房间的各个地方，一边说：

"Is that Toby's face?

“那是托比的脸吗？

Where is Toby's face?

托比的脸在哪里？

Has anybody seen Toby's face?

有谁看见托比的脸了吗？

Oh, could that be Toby's face?"

噢，那是托比的脸吗？”

Eventually he'll cotton on to what I'm doing,

最终他会意识到我在做什么，

he’ll burst out laughing,

然后他会开怀大笑，

he'll stand up,

站起身来，

he'll lean his hands into my face and great.

把他的脸放在我的手掌里。这样就可以。

Except that, if it's a really bad day,

但是，如果当天尤其糟糕，

we may still have to perform the entire “hooray dance”

我们可能还得跳完一整曲“万岁舞”，

before we can leave you in peace.

才能还你一份安宁。

Now, by now,

差不多在这个时候，

the look on the face of the average clinician

一般的临床医生脸上

is one of sheer horror and fear.

都是纯粹的恐惧和害怕。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And there's a clear assumption that I've lost the plot and gone bonkers.

看得出来他们都以为我已经 完全丧失理智了。

The very worst thing that can happen next

最糟糕的结果

is if that clinician decides to try to take over.

就是如果医生决定来接手这件事。

And ...

因为很明显，他们不相信 我知道我在做什么。

Because they obviously can't believe I know what I'm doing.

That has meant that sometimes Toby's been physically manhandled

这意味着托比有时候会被人 推着架着从房间里出去，

out of the room

while he and I are both being told off really loudly.

同时他和我都会被大声斥责。

That's almost exactly what's guaranteed to frighten Toby

这几乎无一例外会让托比受到惊吓，

into the worst type of behavior possible.

导致他出现最糟糕的行为。

Sometimes we had a fantastic experience.

也有时候我们的整个体验都会很好。

We've met some great people who've been really happy

我们遇到过很多很棒的人们，

to join in and play along.

愿意参与到游戏中来。

It's remarkable how well a game of hide and seek

简简单单的捉迷藏，就能大大帮助到

can lend itself to assessments of cognition, communication skills,

对托比的认知、沟通技巧、

mobility and even Toby's breathing.

移动能力和呼吸的测量。

But whenever I've really felt judged in those situations,

但在这些场景下， 如果我确实觉得自己被评判了，

all I've wanted to do is to run away as fast and as far as I can

我只想拔腿就跑，离开你的办公室。

out of your office.

Now, when I'm feeling like that,

在这样的心情里，

it's almost impossible for me to open up

我几乎不可能

and share with you my real concerns about Toby's health,

直白地向你描述托比的健康问题，

which means that's going to make your job much harder

而这会让你的工作更加困难，

in being able to assess him

包括对托比的评估

and to come up with treatment options,

以及提出诊断方案。

which of course is going to impact on Toby

而这又自然会影响到托比

and his long-term outcomes and well-being.

以及他的长期结果和身心健康。

Being judgmental really can be the starting place of health inequalities.

对人评头论足很可能就是 健康不平等的起点。

But being judgmental is so easy.

评头论足很容易。

When you judge people who already feel vulnerable,

当你评判本来就处在脆弱状态的人们，

you're only ever going to make us feel more ashamed, more rejected,

你只会让我们更羞愧，感到更不被接纳，

and more unworthy.

更没有价值。

Kindness is so important.

善意是如此重要。

It can make such a big difference. Kindness is powerful

它能产生很大的影响。它很有力，

and it really can bring out the best in all of us.

能让我们每个人都把自己 最好的一面展示出来。

But I've got another favorite word: curiosity.

不过还有一个词我很喜欢：好奇心。

When we stay curious,

我们如果能保持好奇，

we keep asking those "why" questions,

就能一直询问“为什么”，

which helps us to build bridges towards better understanding.

而这些问题能够帮我们搭建桥梁， 助我们更好地理解他人。

When we stay curious,

我们如果能保持好奇，

it keeps our hearts and our minds open,

就能保持心胸开阔，

which helps to prevent us forming those judgments.

这样一来就会减少我们 形成对他人的评判。

If ever you see me with Toby and my behavior's looking a bit off,

如果你看到我和托比在一起 做出有些奇怪的行为，

the very best question you can possibly ask me is

你能问的最好的问题就是：

"Do you need any help?

“有什么需要帮助的吗？

And if so, what can I do?"

如果有，我可以做点什么吗？“

Eventually, we were referred to a fantastic team

最后，我们被介绍给了一个很棒的团队，

who totally understood

他们完全明白

why young people like Toby can develop these anxiety-led behaviors.

为什么像托比这样的年轻人会做出 这些由焦虑引发的行为来。

Dr. Helen Simmons and David Smith.

海伦·西蒙斯博士和大卫·史密斯。

They were there for us, they listened,

他们在我们身边，聆听了我们，

they just understood.

理解我们。

They just got it.

他们一下子就懂了。

And never once did they make me feel ashamed, blamed or judged.

他们没有一次让我觉得羞愧， 受到指责非难和评判。

I was so excited that first day that David was due to come to our house

大卫要来我家的第一天，我兴奋极了，

and I couldn't wait to ask him that all-important question,

等不及问他我最重要的问题：

"So, David, how are we going to change Toby's behavior?"

“大卫，我们该怎么改变托比的行为呢？”

David put his cup of tea down.

大卫把他的茶杯放下。

He looked at me.

他看着我。

He took in a deep breath and then he dropped a bombshell.

他深吸一口气，然后说出 这番让我震惊的话。

"No, Yvonne, I'm not here to change Toby's behavior.

“不，伊冯，我来这里 不是要改变托比的行为。

I'm here to change yours."

是要改变你的。”

"What?"

“什么？”

I was not happy, I was horrified.

我可是一点也不开心，我震惊极了。

It sounded like the same old, same old blame judgment all over again.

这听起来和我受到的那些评判一模一样。

But it wasn't.

但我错了。

What he was showing me is that I had to change first.

大卫向我展现的是， 我必须要先做出改变。

So ...

所以……

I had to unlearn almost everything I thought I knew about parenting.

我必须忘记我所学到的所有 关于育儿的知识。

What I learned was about anxiety

我学到的不过是焦虑，

and exactly why Toby’s behavior became so difficult,

也是托比出现棘手行为的原因。

because anxiety made him so terrified.

因为使他感到害怕的便是焦虑。

I learned that when he was lashing out,

我了解到，当他情绪失控时，

what he was really trying to do was to scream out for help

他实际是在高声呼救，

because he felt so frightened

因为他感觉如此害怕，

and the world was so confusing and he needed help.

而这个世界如此让他困惑， 所以他需要帮助。

I learned that when he had hurt me, it wasn't because he hated me.

我开始懂得，当他伤害到我的时候， 并不是出于对我的恶意，

It was because he trusted me more than anybody else in the world

而是因为我是他在全世界最信任的人，

to be able to offer him that help that he so badly needed.

他相信我能给他提供他所急需的帮助。

So up until then,

在那之前，

I had gone up and up and up

我一味加大力度，

in terms of being stricter and harsher and firmer

在托比的教育上越发严格、严厉，

in the way I parented Toby,

just like everybody had told me to.

就像周围的人告诉我的那样。

I thought I'd tried everything.

我以为我能试的都试过了。

I didn't think there was anything left.

我以为没有其它办法了。

Helen and David showed me

海伦和大卫让我明白

that there was an entirely different direction

我完全可以朝另外一个方向努力。

and I could go down and down and down as well.

So my parenting became more loving, more understanding,

由此，我在育儿时更加慈爱和体谅，

more collaborative and kinder.

更加愿意协作，充满善意。

It changed everything.

这改变了一切。

Toby responded brilliantly,

托比的反应棒极了，

and it was like watching magic happen.

整个过程就好像魔法一般。

Toby is now 28.

托比现在 28 岁了。

He's incredibly happy.

他过得十分快乐。

He's doing so well and things are really good.

他非常幸福，生活非常美好。

I now know that it was never about Toby's behavior.

我现在明白，托比的行为 一直都不是重点。

It was always about trying to find ways

重点是要找到合适的方式

to help Toby feel safer and less frightened

提高托比的安全感，让他不那么害怕

in a world that often seemed confusing to him.

这个常常让他困惑迷茫的世界。

I now run Newbold Hope.

现在我经营着 Newbold Hope。

It's a parent-led organization

这是一个由父母们领导的组织，

devoted to teaching parents and professionals

致力于教育父母和专业人士，

how to move children with anxiety-led behavior

让有焦虑行为的孩子们

towards happier times.

活得更加快乐。

So far through our work,

目前，通过我们的工作，

we know of over 2,000 children who've successfully achieved this.

有超过两千名孩子达到了这一目标。

We know from research

研究显示，

that our prison population is significantly overrepresented

被捕入狱的人中，有一类人 多得不成比例，

by adults who have ADHD

那就是患有注意缺陷多动障碍、

or who have a learning disability

学习障碍、

or who are autistic.

或者自闭障碍的成年人。

But it doesn't have to be like this.

但事态并非无法改变。

For decades, we've been giving parents the wrong advice,

数十年以来，我们一直给予了 父母们错误的建议，

and then we've been blaming them when it goes even more wrong.

等事态恶化，我们又一直 把矛头指向他们。

If instead we can step in early enough

如果我们能趁早帮助他们，

and provide parents with the strategies,

给他们提供他们所需的策略、

the support, the skills and the confidence they need,

支持、技能和自信心，

they really can change the course of their child's life.

那么他们就能改变他们孩子的一生。

But this is not a parental competence issue.

不过这并不关乎父母的育儿能力。

Far from it.

远非如此。

This group of parents have taught me so much

这一群父母们教给了我太多，

and shown me how much can be achieved

让我看到坚韧、

with tenacity, true courage,

真正的勇气、

hope and unconditional love.

希望和无条件的爱能实现什么样的成果。

These parents,

这些父母，

their parenting skills are already at ninja level

他们的育儿技能已经炉火纯青，

and they've helped me to realize

他们也让我意识到，

that all that time long ago, so were mine.

许多年前的我也早已是个育儿高手。

If you see something that doesn't quite make sense,

如果你目睹了一件你不太能理解的事情，

there may still be a clear logic as to what they're doing

其背后也许有一套清晰的逻辑，

and why they're doing it.

解释了他们这样做的原因。

Please don't judge.

请不要评判他人。

Please stay curious

请保持好奇，

and please keep asking those "why" questions.

继续问“为什么”。

Because that's how you can help somebody like me feel valued,

这样，你可以帮助像我这样的人 感受到我的价值，

understood and included.

感受到被理解、被包容。

And let's be honest,

而且说白了，这不就是 英国国家医疗服务体系的意义之在吗？

isn't that what the NHS is all about?

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Applause and cheers)

（掌声和欢呼声）