Why it's so hard to talk about the N-word | Elizabeth Stordeur Pryor

Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Ilaria Su

The minute she said it,

她說出這個字的那一刻，

the temperature in my classroom dropped.

全班的氣氛瞬間凝結了。

My students are usually laser-focused on me,

我的學生通常都會 完全專注在我身上，

but they shifted in their seats and looked away.

但他們把椅子轉向，看向別處。

I'm a black woman

我是一位黑人女性，

who teaches the histories of race and US slavery.

教的是種族歷史 和美國的奴隸制度。

I'm aware that my social identity is always on display.

我知道我的社會身分 也會受到注意。

And my students are vulnerable too,

我的學生也很容易受到傷害，

so I'm careful.

所以我很小心。

I try to anticipate what part of my lesson might go wrong.

我會試著設想我的課程 有哪一部分可能會出問題。

But honestly,

但，坦白說，

I didn't even see this one coming.

我完全沒有預料到這件事。

None of my years of graduate school prepared me for what to do

我讀研究所時都沒有學到 當 N 開頭的那個字（黑鬼）

when the N-word entered my classroom.

發生在我的教室時該怎麼處理。

I was in my first year of teaching

學生在我的課堂上說出 「N 開頭的那個字」，

when the student said the N-word in my class.

是在我教書的第一年。

She was not calling anyone a name.

她並不是在取別人綽號。

She was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

她非常開朗活潑。

She came to class with her readings done,

她來上課時功課都做完了，

she sat in the front row

她坐在前排，

and she was always on my team.

且她總是站在我這一邊。

When she said it,

她說出這個字時，

she was actually making a point about my lecture,

她其實是在對課程內容闡述論點，

by quoting a line from a 1970s movie, a comedy,

她引用了一句一部 七○年代的喜劇電影的台詞，

電影中有兩種對種族主義的毀謗。

that had two racist slurs.

One for people of Chinese descent

一種是針對擁有中國血統的人，

and the other the N-word.

另一種是針對 N 開頭的那個字。

As soon as she said it, I held up my hands, said, "Whoa, whoa."

她一說出這個字， 我便舉起雙手，說：「嘿，嘿！」

But she assured me,

但，她向我保證，

"It's a joke from 'Blazing Saddles,'"

「那是《閃亮的馬鞍》 裡面的笑話」，

and then she repeated it.

接著她又重覆了一遍。

This all happened 10 years ago,

這是十年前的事，

and how I handled it haunted me for a long time.

而我的處理方式讓我 有很長一段時間都無法忘懷。

It wasn't the first time I thought about the word

那並不是我第一次在學術方面中

in an academic setting.

想到這個字。

I'm a professor of US history,

我是一位美國歷史教授，

it's in a lot of the documents that I teach.

我有許多教學用的文件 都會出現這個字。

So I had to make a choice.

所以，我得做出選擇。

After consulting with someone I trusted,

在諮詢過一位我信賴的人之後，

I decided to never say it.

我決定永遠不要說這個字。

Not even to quote it.

連引述中用到都不行。

But instead to use the euphemistic phrase, "the N-word."

我要改用委婉的說法 「N 開頭的那個字」來取代。

Even this decision was complicated.

就連做這個決定也很複雜。

I didn't have tenure yet,

我還不是終身教授，

and I worried that senior colleagues

我會擔心如果我使用那種說法，

would think that by using the phrase I wasn't a serious scholar.

資深的同事會認為 我不是認真的學者。

But saying the actual word still felt worse.

但如果直接說出黑鬼這個詞，感覺更糟。

The incident in my classroom forced me to publicly reckon with the word.

我教室中發生的事，迫使我 必須要公開考量這個字。

The history, the violence,

這歷史，這暴力，

but also --

還有——

The history, the violence, but also any time it was hurled at me,

這歷史，這暴力，還有別人 對我罵這個字的任何時候，

spoken casually in front of me,

隨意的在我面前說出這個字的時候，

any time it rested on the tip of someone's tongue,

這個字掛在某人嘴邊的時候，

it all came flooding up in that moment,

這一切，全都在那一刻湧現，

right in front of my students.

就在我的學生面前。

And I had no idea what to do.

我完全不知道該怎麼辦。

So I've come to call stories like mine points of encounter.

我漸漸把像我這樣的 故事稱為遭遇點。

A point of encounter describes the moment you came face-to-face with the N-word.

遭遇點指的就是你要面對 N 開頭的那個字的時刻。

If you've even been stumped or provoked by the word,

如果你曾經被那個字為難或挑釁，

whether as the result of an awkward social situation,

不論是因為尷尬的 社會情境所造成、

an uncomfortable academic conversation,

讓人不舒服的學術對談、

something you heard in pop culture,

你在流行文化中聽到的，

or if you've been called the slur,

或有人用這個字來罵你，

or witnessed someone getting called the slur,

或看到別人被用這個字辱罵，

you have experienced a point of encounter.

你就是經歷到了遭遇點。

And depending on who you are and how that moment goes down,

要看你的身分 及那個時刻如何發展，

you might have a range of responses.

你可能會有不同的反應。

Could throw you off a little bit,

可能會讓你有點分心，

or it could be incredibly painful and humiliating.

或可能會感到非常痛苦、羞辱。

I've had lots of these points of encounter in my life,

我人生中經歷過許多遭遇點，

but one thing is true.

但，有件事是肯定的。

There's not a lot of space to talk about them.

我沒有太多空間 可以談論這些遭遇點。

That day in my classroom was pretty much like all of those times

那天我教室中的情況， 就很像我過去

I had an uninvited run-in with the N-word.

未預期時遇到 N 開頭的 那個字時的情況。

I froze.

我呆住了。

Because the N-word is hard to talk about.

因為要談論 N 開頭的 那個字是很困難的。

Part of the reason the N-word is so hard to talk about,

很難談論 N 開頭的那個字， 有部分原因是因為

it's usually only discussed in one way,

通常討論它的方式只有一種，

as a figure of speech, we hear this all the time, right?

就是一種比喻， 我們常常聽見，對吧？

It's just a word.

它只是一個字。

The burning question that cycles through social media

在社群媒體上一陣子 就會出現的棘手問題

is who can and cannot say it.

就是誰能說這個字、誰不能。

Black intellectual Ta-Nehisi Coates does a groundbreaking job

黑人知識分子塔尼西斯科茲 有一項開創性之舉，

of defending the African American use of the word.

就是為非裔美國人 使用這個字做辯護。

On the other hand, Wendy Kaminer,

另一方面，溫蒂卡米納

a white freedom of speech advocate,

是提倡言論自由的白人，

argues that if we don't all just come and say it,

她主張，如果無法 讓所有人都把它說出來，

we give the word power.

就會賦予這個字力量。

And a lot of people feel that way.

很多人都有同感。

The Pew Center recently entered the debate.

皮尤研究中心近期也加入了辯論。

In a survey called "Race in America 2019,"

在「2019 年美國的 種族」這項調查中，

researchers asked US adults if they thought is was OK

研究者詢問美國成人，他們能否

接受白人說 N 開頭的那個字。

for a white person to say the N-word.

Seventy percent of all adults surveyed said "never."

七成的受訪成人 都說「絕對不能」。

And these debates are important.

這些辯論很重要。

But they really obscure something else.

但這背後其實還藏了其他東西。

They keep us from getting underneath to the real conversation.

這些辯論讓我們無法 深入去進行真正的對談：

Which is that the N-word is not just a word.

N 開頭的那個字並不只是一個字。

It's not neatly contained in a racist past,

它並沒有被好好放在 種族主義的過去當中，

a relic of slavery.

是奴隸制度的遺物。

Fundamentally, the N-word is an idea disguised as a word:

基本上，N 開頭的那個字， 是一個想法偽裝成一個字，

that black people are intellectually,

這個想法就是：黑人在智力上、

biologically

生物機能上，

and immutably inferior to white people.

及免疫系統永遠都比白人差。

And -- and I think this is the most important part --

且——我認為 最重要的部分是——

that that inferiority means that the injustice we suffer

被視為次等，就表示 我們所受到的不公、

and inequality we endure

我們所忍受的不平，

is essentially our own fault.

基本上都是我們自己的錯。

So, yes, it is ...

所以，是的，的確是……

Speaking of the word only as racist spew

若只把這個字的使用 當作是傾吐種族主義

or as an obscenity in hip hop music

或者嘻哈音樂的憎惡言語，

makes it sounds as if it's a disease

會讓這個字聽起來像是

一種美國人的聲帶疾病，

located in the American vocal cords

that can be snipped right out.

可以一刀剪掉。

It's not, and it can't.

並不是這樣，也不能一刀就剪掉。

And I learned this from talking to my students.

我是從跟學生的交談學到這些的。

So next time class met,

所以，下一次全班見面時，

I apologized,

我道歉了，

and I made an announcement.

並做了一項聲明。

I would have a new policy.

我要訂一條新規定。

Students would see the word in my PowerPoints,

學生會在我的投影片、影片、

in film, in essays they read,

他們閱讀的論文中看到這個字，

but we would never ever say the word out loud in class.

但我們永遠不能在班上 大聲說出那個字。

Nobody ever said it again.

之後就沒有人再說過。

But they didn't learn much either.

但他們也沒有學到很多。

Afterwards, what bothered me most

事後，最讓我心煩的

was that I didn't even explain to students

就是我當時沒有向學生解釋

why, of all the vile, problematic words in American English,

在美國英語的各種骯髒、 有問題的字詞中，

why this particular word had its own buffer,

為什麼就只有這個字 有它自己的緩衝用

the surrogate phrase "the N-word."

例如它的替代說法： 「N 開頭的那個字」。

Most of my students,

我大部分的學生

many of them born in the late 1990s and afterwards,

他們多半是在 一九九○年代末以後出生的，

didn't even know that the phrase "the N-word"

他們甚至不知道 「N 開頭的那個字」

is a relatively new invention in American English.

是美國英語中相對比較新發明的詞。

When I was growing up, it didn't exist.

而在我成長過程中並不存在。

But in the late 1980s,

但在一九八○年代末，

black college students, writers, intellectuals,

黑人大學生、作家、知識分子，

more and more started to talk about racist attacks against them.

越來越多人開始談論 他們遭受的種族主義攻擊。

But increasingly, when they told these stories,

但，當他們在說這些故事時，

they stopped using the word.

他們漸漸不再使用這個字。

Instead, they reduced it to the initial N

他們用字首「N」來代替它，

and called it "the N-word."

並稱它為「N 開頭的那個字」。

They felt that every time the word was uttered

他們覺得每當那個字被說出來時，

it opened up old wounds, so they refused to say it.

就會揭開舊傷，因此 他們拒絕說出這個字。

They knew their listeners would hear the actual word in their heads.

他們知道他們的聽眾 會在腦海中聽到原本的字。

That wasn't the point.

那不是重點。

The point was they didn't want to put the word in their own mouths

重點是，他們不想要 從自己的口中說出這個字，

or into the air.

或讓它被說出來。

By doing this,

透過這個做法，

they made an entire nation start to second-guess themselves

他們讓全國人在說了這個字之後

開始評論自己是否該說。

about saying it.

This was such a radical move

這個動作相當極端，

that people are still mad about it.

至今大家還對此感到氣憤。

Critics accuse those of us who use the phrase "the N-word,"

評論家會指控我們這些 用「N 開頭的那個字」的人

or people who become outraged,

或者只因為有人說這個字

you know, just because the word is said,

就發怒的那些人，

of being overprincipled,

指控我們過度講求原則、

politically correct

政治正確，

or, as I just read a couple of weeks ago in The New York Times,

或我在幾週前才在 《紐約時報》讀到的說法：

"insufferably woke."

「對種族敏感到讓人反感」。

Right?

是吧？

So I bought into this a little bit too,

我也有點買帳了，

which is why the next time I taught the course

這就是為什麼下一次我教課時，

I proposed a freedom of speech debate.

我便提議要做言論自由的辯論。

The N-word in academic spaces, for or against?

在學術空間中用「N 開頭的 那個字」，贊成或反對？

I was certain students would be eager

我肯定學生會很想要

to debate who gets to say it and who doesn't.

辯論誰能說這個字、誰不能。

But they weren't.

但他們並不想。

Instead ...

反而……

my students started confessing.

我的學生開始坦白。

A white student from New Jersey talked about standing by

一位來自新澤西州的白人學生談到，

當她學校中有個黑人孩子 被用這個字霸凌時，她只是旁觀。

as a black kid at her school got bullied by this word.

She did nothing and years later still carried the guilt.

她袖手旁觀，數年後， 她仍然帶著罪惡感。

Another from Connecticut

另一位來自康乃迪克州的學生

talked about the pain of severing

談到切斷和一位家人很親密的關係

a very close relationship with a family member,

所造成的痛苦，

because that family member refused to stop saying the word.

他切斷關係是因為 這位家人堅持要說那個字。

One of the most memorable stories came from a very quiet black student

最讓人印象深刻的故事之一， 是一位來自南加州

很安靜的黑人學生所說的故事。

from South Carolina.

She didn't understand all the fuss.

她不了解有什麼好大驚小怪。

She said everyone at her school said the word.

她說在她的學校， 人人都會說那個字。

She wasn't talking about kids calling each other names in the hall.

她指的並不是孩子們 在大廳中互相罵彼此。

She explained that at her school

她解釋說，在她的學校，

when teachers and administrators

當老師和行政人員

became frustrated with an African American student,

被一名非裔美國學生 弄到很有挫敗感時，

they called that student the actual N-word.

他們就用真正 N 開頭的那個字 來稱呼那位學生。

She said it didn't bother her at all.

她說她完全不覺得困擾。

But then a couple of days later,

但，幾天後，

she came to visit me in my office hours and wept.

她在我的開放諮詢時間 來找我，且她哭了。

She thought she was immune.

她以為她已經對那個詞免疫了。

She realized that she wasn't.

她發現她還不是。

Over the last 10 years,

在過去十年間，

I have literally heard hundreds of these stories

我聽過各種年齡的各種人

from all kinds of people from all ages.

跟我說了數百個像這樣的故事。

People in their 50s remembering stories from the second grade

五十多歲的人會憶起 他們二年級的故事

and when they were six,

及六歲時的故事，

either calling people the word or being called the word,

若不是用那個字罵人， 就是被別人用那個字罵，

but carrying that all these years around this word, you know.

但這些年間都一直帶著 關於那個字的那些記憶。

And as I listened to people talk about their points of encounter,

當我聽大家訴說他們的遭遇點時，

the pattern that emerged for me as a teacher that I found most upsetting

我發現了一個模式， 身為老師，我感到相當沮喪，

is the single most fraught site

那就是，最常發生

這些遭遇點的地方，

for these points of encounter

is the classroom.

就是教室。

Most US kids are going to meet the N-word in class.

大部分的美國孩子會在課堂上 遇到 N 開頭的那個字。

One of the most assigned books in US high schools

美國高中最常指定學生 閱讀的其中一本書

is Mark Twain’s "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"

就是馬克吐溫的《頑童歷險記》，

in which the word appears over 200 times.

在書中，這個字 出現了超過兩百次。

And this isn't an indictment of "Huck Finn."

這並不是在控訴「哈克費恩」。

The word is in lots of US literature and history.

這個字出現在許多 美國文學和歷史中，

It's all over African American literature.

在非裔美國文學中處處可見。

Yet I hear from students

但，學生跟我說，

that when the word is said during a lesson

若在上課時說到這個字，

without discussion and context,

但沒有討論也不知道情境時，

it poisons the entire classroom environment.

它就會毒害整個教室的環境。

The trust between student and teacher is broken.

學生和老師之間的信任會破裂。

Even so, many teachers,

儘管如此，許多老師

often with the very best of intentions,

通常是出於最大的善意，

still say the N-word in class.

在課堂上仍會說 N 開頭的那個字。

They want to show and emphasize the horrors of US racism,

他們想要展現及強調 美國種族主義的恐怖，

so they rely on it for shock value.

所以他們要仰賴 這個字的價值震撼。

Invoking it brings into stark relief

使用它，能讓我們國家

the ugliness of our nation's past.

過往的醜陋大大減輕。

But they forget

但，他們忘了，

the ideas are alive and well in our cultural fabric.

這個想法在我們的文化架構中 仍然活得好好的。

The six-letter word is like a capsule of accumulated hurt.

這個六字母的字就像是 累積傷害的膠囊。

Every time it is said, every time,

每一次它被說出來，每一次，

it releases into the atmosphere the hateful notion

它就會在大氣中 釋放出仇恨的想法：

that black people are less.

黑人比較差。

My black students tell me

我的黑人學生告訴我，

that when the word is quoted or spoken in class,

課堂上有人說出或引述這個字時，

they feel like a giant spotlight is shining on them.

他們就會感覺到有個巨型 聚光燈打在他們身上。

One of my students told me

我的一位學生告訴我，

that his classmates were like bobbleheads,

他的同學就像搖頭娃娃，

turning to gauge his reaction.

不斷在評判他的反應。

A white student told me that in the eighth grade,

一位白人學生告訴我，八年級時，

when they were learning "To Kill a Mockingbird"

當他們在學《梅岡城故事》，

and reading it out loud in class,

並在課堂上大聲朗讀它，

the student was stressed out

這位學生只要想到必須要

at the idea of having to read the word,

讀出這個字，就會倍感壓力，

which the teacher insisted all students do,

而老師卻堅持學生要讀出來，

that the student ended up spending most of the unit

最後，在教這個單元的期間，

那名學生幾乎都躲在廁所中。

hiding out in the bathroom.

This is serious.

那很嚴重。

Students across the country

全國各地的學生

talk about switching majors and dropping classes

都提到因為關於 N 開頭的那個字

沒有被好好教導而導致 他們要換主修或退 課。

because of poor teaching around the N-word.

The issue of faculty carelessly speaking the word

教職員不謹慎使用這個字的議題

has reached such a fevered pitch,

已經達到了一個高點，

it's led to protests at Princeton, Emory,

造成抗議出現在 普林斯頓大學、埃默里大學、

The New School,

新學院大學、

Smith College, where I teach,

史密斯學院，我教書的地方，

and Williams College,

以及威廉士學院，

where just recently students have boycotted the entire English Department

最近，那裡的學生才為了 這個議題和其他議題

over it and other issues.

而聯合抵制整個英文系。

And these were just the cases that make the news.

這些只是有上新聞的案例。

This is a crisis.

這是個危機。

And while student reaction

雖然學生的反應

looks like an attack on freedom of speech,

看起來像是在攻擊言論自由，

I promise this is an issue of teaching.

我向各位保證，這是教學的議題。

My students are not afraid of materials that have the N-word in it.

我的學生並不會害怕內容 有 N 開頭的那個字的教材。

They want to learn about James Baldwin

他們想要了解詹姆斯鮑德溫

and William Faulkner

和威廉福克納，

and about the civil rights movement.

以及民權運動。

In fact, their stories show

事實上，根據他們的故事，

that this word is a central feature of their lives as young people

他們年輕時期在美國的生活

主要的特色就是這個字。

in the United States.

It's in the music they love.

它會出現在他們喜歡的音樂中、

And in the popular culture they emulate,

他們效法的流行文化中、

the comedy they watch,

他們看的喜劇中、

it's in TV and movies

電視節目和電影中，

and memorialized in museums.

且以紀念的方式出現在博物館中。

They hear it in locker rooms,

他們到哪都會聽到它，在更衣間、

on Instagram,

在 IG 上、

in the hallways at school,

在學校走廊上、

in the chat rooms of the video games they play.

在他們玩的電玩遊戲的聊天室中。

It is all over the world they navigate.

他們生活的世界中 到處都有這個字。

But they don't know how to think about it

但，他們不知道該如何看待它，

or even really what the word means.

甚至不知道那個字的意思。

I didn't even really understand what the word meant

在我做一些研究之前，

until I did some research.

我其實也不了解那個字的意義。

I was astonished to learn

讓我很驚訝的發現是，

that black people first incorporated the N-word into the vocabulary

黑人最初把 N 開頭的 那個字納入到字彙中

as political protest,

是為了政治抗議的目的，

not in the 1970s or 1980s

並不是七○或八○年代的事，

but as far back as the 1770s.

而是早在 1770 年代就有了。

And I wish I had more time to talk

真希望我有更多時間可以談

about the long, subversive history of the black use of the N-word.

黑人使用 N 開頭的那個字的 煽動性漫長歷史。

But I will say this:

但，讓我這樣說：

Many times, my students will come up to me and say,

我的學生常會來找我，說：

"I understand the virulent roots of this word, it's slavery."

「我了解這個字充滿敵意的 根源，是奴隸制度。」

They are only partially right.

他們只對了一部分。

This word, which existed before it became a slur,

這個字在它變成 辱罵用字之前就存在了，

but it becomes a slur at a very distinct moment in US history,

但，他在美國歷史上一個非常 獨特的時刻變成了辱罵用字，

and that's as large numbers of black people begin to become free,

那就是許多黑人 開始獲得自由的時刻，

starting in the North in the 1820s.

也就是 1820 年代從北方開始。

In other words,

換言之，

this word is fundamentally an assault on black freedom,

基本上，這個字 是在攻擊黑人的自由、

black mobility,

黑人的流動性，

and black aspiration.

以及黑人的熱望。

Even now,

即使現在，

nothing so swiftly unleashes an N-word tirade

最會迅速釋放出用 N 開頭的 那個字的長篇激烈言論的，

as a black person asserting their rights

就是黑人主張他們的權利，

or going where they please or prospering.

或去他們想去或變得富有成功。

Think of the attacks on Colin Kaepernick when he kneeled.

想想當科林卡佩尼克 跪下時所受到的攻擊。

Or Barack Obama when he became president.

或者歐巴馬變成總統時。

My students want to know this history.

我的學生想要了解這些歷史。

But when they ask questions, they're shushed and shamed.

但當他們問問題時， 他們會感到被禁聲和被羞辱。

By shying away from talking about the N-word,

透過躲避談論 N 開頭的那個字，

we have turned this word into the ultimate taboo,

我們已經將這個字 轉變成了終極的禁忌，

crafting it into something so tantalizing,

把它打造成了相當折磨人的東西，

that for all US kids,

讓全美國的孩子，

no matter their racial background,

不論種族背景，

part of their coming of age is figuring out

在成長的過程中都必須要

how to negotiate this word.

想辦法處理這個字。

We treat conversations about it like sex before sex education.

我們談論到這個字，就像 在性教育之前談論性一樣。

We're squeamish, we silence them.

我們會很易怒，會要他們閉嘴。

So they learn about it from misinformed friends and in whispers.

所以，他們只能在背後 從資訊不正確的朋友那邊學習。

I wish I could go back to the classroom that day

我真希望我能回到那天的教室裡，

and push through my fear

克服我的恐懼，

to talk about the fact that something actually happened.

跟孩子們談真正發生的狀況。

Not just to me or to my black students.

這些事不只是發生在我 或我的黑人學生身上。

But to all of us.

是所有人身上。

You know, I think

我認為，

we're all connected by our inability to talk about this word.

我們都無法去談論這個字， 因而讓我們連結在一起。

But what if we explored our points of encounter

但，如果我們去探討 我們的遭遇點，

and did start to talk about it?

並開始談論它，會如何？

Today, I try to create the conditions in my classroom

現今，我在教室中 試圖創造出一些條件，

to have open and honest conversations about it.

讓大家能開放、誠實談論它。

One of those conditions -- not saying the word.

其中一個條件—— 不要說出那個字。

We're able to talk about it

我們能夠談論它，

because it doesn't come into the classroom.

因為它不會進到教室裡來。

Another important condition

另一個重要的條件

is I don't make my black students responsible

是我不會要求我的黑人學生要負責

for teaching their classmates about this.

教導他們的同學這些。

That is my job.

那是我的工作。

So I come prepared.

所以，我有備而來。

I hold the conversation with a tight rein,

我會把對談控制好，

and I'm armed with knowledge of the history.

我也備有關於這段歷史的知識。

I always ask students the same question:

我總是會問學生同樣的問題：

Why is talking about the N-word hard?

為什麼談論 N 開頭的 那個字會如此困難？

Their answers are amazing.

他們的答案很驚人。

They're amazing.

很驚人。

More than anything though,

不過，最重要的是，

I have become deeply acquainted with my own points of encounter,

我已經深深熟悉了 我自己的遭遇點，

my personal history around this word.

我個人和這個字有關的歷史。

Because when the N-word comes to school,

因為，當 N 開頭的那個字進到學校

or really anywhere,

或任何地方，

it brings with it all of the complicated history of US racism.

它也會同時帶著美國 種族主義的複雜歷史。

The nation's history

美國的歷史

and my own,

和我自己，

right here, right now.

現在，就在這裡。

There's no avoiding it.

無法避開。

(Applause)

（掌聲）