Why Friendship Can Be Just As Meaningful as Romantic Love | Rhaina Cohen | TED

翻译人员: Accquiro Gu 校对人员: Bruce Wang

There is a Supreme Court case

有一桩最高院的判例

that you could mistake for a sermon.

你会错认它是一场布道

It's the case that recognized that same-sex couples

判例认为同性别的伴侣

have a constitutional right to marry.

在宪法上有结婚的权利

Here is a sense of what Justice Kennedy wrote:

肯尼迪大法官写这份判决的意义是

“Marriage responds to the universal fear that a lonely person might call out

婚姻可能代表着孤独的人 对普遍恐惧的抗争

only to find no one there."

但是对面空无一人

He goes on to say that marriage offers care and companionship,

他还说，婚姻提供的照护、陪伴，

and the decision argues that these are basic human needs

还有抉择上的争论， 都是人类的基本需求

that everyone should have access to,

任何人都无一例外

whether they're straight or queer.

无论性取向曲直

Validating.

说的真好

But what do these words say to you if you're single?

但如果没有伴侣呢

Anybody single here?

这里有人单身吗

I mean, there should be quite a few of you, because in the US,

我觉得，应该是有人单身的， 因为在美国

the percentage of American adults who have never been married

没有结过婚的成年人的百分比

is at a record high.

正处于历史高位

Married people, you're not off the hook.

而结婚后的你，也难免不受牵连

I’m going to get a little morbid for a moment

我接下来说的可能有些奇怪

and have you contemplate

我想让你思考下

what happens if your marriage doesn't last until the end of your life,

假如你的婚姻不能持续终老呢

whether because of divorce or outliving your spouse?

可能离婚，也可能伴侣逝去

In the US, about 30 percent of women over 65 are widows.

65岁以上的美国女性有大约百分之三十是寡妇

The reality is,

事实上

any one of us is unlikely to have a spouse by our side

我们不太可能有一位伴侣

until our last dying breath.

能相伴我们老去

Regardless of whether we are partnered now,

无论我们现在身旁是谁

we need to rely on more than one relationship

我们都需要更多的人际关系

to sustain us throughout our full, unpredictable lives.

来度过那难以预测的一生

We need other significant others.

我们需要其他重要的人

And there's an overlooked kind of relationship that we can turn to.

并且我们也忽视了那么一段可依靠的关系

Friendship.

友谊

I got the sense that friendship could be this stronger force in our lives

我认为友谊能成为我们 生活中的强大助力

because of a friendship that I stumbled into.

因为我拥有的一段友谊

We would see each other most days of the week,

能让我们一周中相伴彼此绝大部分时间

be each other’s plus-ones to parties.

成为派对上的挚友

My friend has this habit of grabbing my hand to hold,

我的朋友习惯性地牵着我的手

including when I brought her to my office, and then I'd have to be like,

即便在我带她去我的办公室的时候

no, not in the office.

就好像我不在办公室那样

(Laughter)

（大笑）

But I mean, I wouldn't let my husband do that in the office either.

但我是不会让我丈夫这么做的

It's just, you know, setting matters.

因为环境如此

But it was only an issue because for us, affection is a reflex.

但问题在于， 对我们来说，情感是一种反映

And I knew it couldn't be just us.

我知道，不仅仅是我们

I went out and interviewed dozens of people

我出去拜访了大量的人

who had a friendship like ours, and I wrote a book about them.

去见那些和我们有着相似友谊的人们， 然后我写了一本关于他们的书

And the kinds of friends that I spoke to,

我所说的那种友谊

they don't just have a weekly phone call.

他们并不仅仅只是 每周打个电话

They're friends like these.

他们的友谊就像这样

Natasha and Linda are the first legally recognized platonic co-parents in Canada.

娜塔莎和琳达是加拿大第一对 法律认可的柏拉图式共同父母

And this is them with their teenage son on vacation.

她们正和年轻的儿子度假

Joe and John have been best friends for many decades.

乔和约翰是一对相处了数十年的挚友

When Joe was struggling with alcohol and drug use,

当乔在酗酒和吸毒中挣扎时

John got him into recovery.

是约翰带着他清醒过来

And then John decided that to support his friend,

在约翰决定帮助他的朋友时

he would also become sober.

他也逐渐冷静稳重

Joy took care of her friend Hannah

乔伊照护着她的朋友汉娜

during Hannah's six-year battle with ovarian cancer.

持续了汉娜整整六年的卵巢癌斗争生涯

And that included flying out to New York,

其中包括了去纽约的航程

where Hannah got specialized treatment.

在那里，汉娜能获得专业的治疗

Joy had trouble actually sleeping overnight in the hospital,

乔伊夜间入睡困难重重

because she was too busy watching to make sure

因为她忙于确认

her friend's chest was still rising and falling.

她朋友胸部仍有起伏

Some of the friends that I spoke to had this friendship occupy the space

有些和我聊过的朋友们认为 拥有一段友谊

that's conventionally given to a romantic partner.

占据了原本给予另一半的位置

Some had this kind of friendship and a romantic partner.

有些朋友则同时拥有友情和爱情

It’s not either/or.

并不是两难的选择

As I spoke to these people,

我和他们聊天的时候

I realized that they were at the frontier of friendship,

我意识到他们站在友谊的边界线上

helping us imagine how much more we could ask of our platonic relationships.

让我们想想一段柏拉图式友谊 能让我们获得什么

Which is true, but another way of looking at it

而这仅仅是从另一面正确地看待友谊

is they're doing something retro,

做着以往便有的事情

even ancient.

自古有之

In ancient Rome,

古罗马时期

friends would talk about each other as "half of my soul,"

朋友们会称呼彼此为“另一半灵魂”

or "the greater part of my soul."

或者“我灵魂中的伟大部分”

The kind of language we now use in romantic relationships.

我们现在会对爱情伴侣诉说这番话语

From China to Jordan to England,

从中国到约旦再到英格兰

there was a practice called “sworn brotherhood,”

有种现象叫做“义结金兰”

where male friends would go through a ritual

男性朋友会举行一场仪式

that would turn them into brothers.

从而结拜为兄弟

About a century ago,

大约一个世纪以前

friends would sit for portraits like these,

朋友会像图片上那样靠坐

with their arms wrapped around each other,

双手环绕着对方

their bodies up close.

身体倚靠着

What I took from this history is that if we don't limit friendship,

我从历史中学到的是， 如果我们不对友谊限缩解释

it can be central to our lives.

它可以是我们人生中的重要部分

But today, not everybody recognizes that.

但如今并非人人都能意识到这点

I spoke to a mother who really tried to get her son to make dating a priority

我向一位试着让她儿子意识到结婚优先级的 母亲说过

because she wanted him to find emotional wholeness.

因为她希望儿子情感上得到补足

And her son told her,

她的儿子向她说

"I found it in my platonic life partner."

“我已经找到我柏拉图式的人生伴侣了”

His best friend, who he had known since high school,

他与最好的朋友高中初识

who had moved across the country to be near him,

为了能来到他身边， 朋友跨越了整个国家

to live with him, in fact.

就只是为了和他生活在一起

The mother said,

母亲对他说

"I don't understand how you can be partners

“我不是很明白为什么你俩 能成为人生伴侣”

with someone you're not romantic with."

“并且是两个完全不相爱的人”

Understandable as a reaction

很合乎情理的反应

in a culture that treats friendship as the sidekick

因为文化中朋友只是朋友

to the real hero of romance.

助力爱情达成的搭档

We get that message from rom-coms,

爱情喜剧是这么说的

from Supreme Court justices, also from policy.

而从最高院司法及政策中

So Joy, during the six years she took care of her friend,

照顾了她朋友整整六年的乔伊

she was not entitled to family medical leave.

她无权拥有家属陪护假

When Hannah died,

汉娜去世的时候

Joy was not entitled to bereavement leave,

乔伊也无权拥有丧假

because the two of them were considered unrelated.

因为她们两个被认为是不相关的人

In our government and workplace policies,

我们政府和公司的规章制度

friendship is invisible.

缺少了友谊的身影

Sometimes this diminishment of friendship comes from the outside,

友谊消散的原因有时来自外部环境

and sometimes it comes from the inside.

有时也来自内部冲突

A woman wrote to me about her friend who she considers her person.

有位女性写信给我倾诉 一位朋友关心她的故事

She spent so much time with her friend's kids

她花了大量时间陪伴朋友的孩子

that she was given car seats for them.

在车上为他们准备儿童座椅

She's also divorced and tried to find a new spouse

只是她离婚了，尝试着去寻找新的伴侣

because there was a hole she wanted to fill in her life.

因为她想填补生活中的空白

Then she read stories of people like Joe and John

直到她读了像乔和约翰那样的故事

in an article I'd written.

读到一篇我写的文章

And she realized there was no hole.

然后她意识到人生并不空缺

She had been happy all along,

自那以来幸福开心常伴

but she hadn't known,

但她并不知道的是

been made to believe that it was possible to have a friend be enough.

相信一段友谊便能充足人生 是可以实现的

If we can recognize

如果我们能够认识到

what friendship has the potential to be,

一段友谊的潜力所在

and if we can recognize that there is more than one kind of significant other

以及其他重要的人们

then we can imagine more ways for us to find love

我们便能从各种途径找到心中所爱

and care and companionship.

找到照顾和陪伴

And we can support people who have these kinds of friendships.

这些友谊的存在也能让我们 鼓舞别人

So the mother I mentioned, she's completely changed her tune.

所以我曾提到的母亲， 她完全改变了她的口风

She now admires the commitment between her son and her son's friend.

现在她赞赏着她儿子和朋友之间的奉献

I feel like I get to live in a future world

我觉得我好像生活在未来世界当中

where you can just build a life with your friends.

我们可以和朋友们构筑人生

I live not only with my husband

我不仅仅和丈夫一起生活

but also two of my closest friends.

也和我两位最为亲近的朋友

One of them we kind of like had a courtship process

其中一位我们就像彼此求爱一般

to recruit him to come to our city and live with us.

让他来到我们的城市， 和我们生活在一起

The other had a job in our city, and we invited her to stay.

另外一位在我们城市工作， 我们邀请了她过来生活

It didn't take long for us to start scheming

不久我们就开始计划

with about a half dozen other friends,

准备邀请许许多多的朋友

about trying to buy property together.

去一起购置房子

The kind of place where we could raise kids alongside one another,

有个能让我们共同养育孩子的地方

our working title for the place is “The Village.”

我们打算命名这块地方为“小镇”

I don't know if this will work out.

我不知道会不会成功

I can keep you posted about it, but if it does,

我能让你们持续了解进程， 但如果真成功了的话

I feel really confident about one thing.

我就会非常自信地说

That if one of us has a migraine at 6am

即便我们中有人早上六点偏头痛

and there's a toddler bouncing around,

有个孩子在旁边蹦蹦跳跳

or we get a terrifying diagnosis,

或者我们被确诊重症

we will not be a lonely person calling out only for no one to answer.

我们都不会孤单一人， 拼命呼唤却无人应答

And this is what I hope for all of us.

这也是我希望我们能做到的

That we feel like we have permission

就像我们决定

to share our lives with whoever we are lucky enough to find,

与我们幸运找到的人 共享我们的生活

whether that's a spouse,

无论是伴侣

a sibling or a house full of friends.

兄弟姐妹或者满屋子的朋友

Thank you.

谢谢

(Applause)

（掌声雷动）