Why Friendship Can Be Just As Meaningful as Romantic Love | Rhaina Cohen | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Yanyan Hong

There is a Supreme Court case

有一個最高法庭的案件，

that you could mistake for a sermon.

各位可能會誤以為是佈道。

It's the case that recognized that same-sex couples

那就是承認同性夫妻也擁有

have a constitutional right to marry.

憲法權利可以結婚的案件。

Here is a sense of what Justice Kennedy wrote:

以下節錄自甘迺迪 大法官所寫的內容：

“Marriage responds to the universal fear that a lonely person might call out

『婚姻是在因應一種普世的恐懼：

一個孤單的人呼喊時，

only to find no one there."

卻發現無人應答。』

He goes on to say that marriage offers care and companionship,

他接著說，婚姻能提供照顧

和陪伴，

and the decision argues that these are basic human needs

判決的決定主張這些 都是人類的基本需求，

that everyone should have access to,

每個人都應該能夠取得，

whether they're straight or queer.

不論是異性戀或酷兒。

Validating.

確實如此。

But what do these words say to you if you're single?

但若你單身，這段話 對你而言有什麼意義？

Anybody single here?

在座有人單身嗎？

I mean, there should be quite a few of you, because in the US,

應該有不少人，因為，

the percentage of American adults who have never been married

在美國，從未結過的婚美國成人比率

is at a record high.

高到創紀錄。

Married people, you're not off the hook.

已婚人士，這不表示沒你們的事。

I’m going to get a little morbid for a moment

我要暫時陰沉一下，

and have you contemplate

讓各位想想，

what happens if your marriage doesn't last until the end of your life,

如果你的婚姻沒有持續到 你人生的終點，會如何，

也許是因為離婚，

whether because of divorce or outliving your spouse?

也許是配偶先離開？

In the US, about 30 percent of women over 65 are widows.

在美國，六十五歲以上的女性 有約三成是寡婦。

The reality is,

現實是，

any one of us is unlikely to have a spouse by our side

我們都不太可能有配偶陪著我們

until our last dying breath.

走完人生的最後一段路。

Regardless of whether we are partnered now,

不論我們現在是否有伴侶，

we need to rely on more than one relationship

我們都不能只仰賴一段關係

to sustain us throughout our full, unpredictable lives.

來支持我們走過 整段無法預測的人生。

We need other significant others.

我們需要其他的「重要他人」。

And there's an overlooked kind of relationship that we can turn to.

我們其實可以去依賴 一種被忽視的關係：

Friendship.

友誼。

I got the sense that friendship could be this stronger force in our lives

我之所以會認為友誼能成為 我們生命中更強大的力量，

是因為一段我偶然建立的友誼。

because of a friendship that I stumbled into.

We would see each other most days of the week,

一週我們都會見面很多天，

be each other’s plus-ones to parties.

擔任對方去參與派對的伴。

My friend has this habit of grabbing my hand to hold,

我的這位朋友有個習慣， 她會抓起我的手牽著，

including when I brought her to my office, and then I'd have to be like,

連我帶她到我的辦公室時都會， 我就得說：「不不，辦公室不行。」

no, not in the office.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But I mean, I wouldn't let my husband do that in the office either.

但，在辦公室，我甚至 不會讓我老公牽我的手。

It's just, you know, setting matters.

就只是……情境很重要。

But it was only an issue because for us, affection is a reflex.

但這之所以會成為問題， 只是因為我們的感情是種反射。

And I knew it couldn't be just us.

且我知道不會只有我們是如此。

I went out and interviewed dozens of people

我去談問了幾十個人，

who had a friendship like ours, and I wrote a book about them.

他們都有像我們這樣的關係， 我寫了一本關於他們的書。

And the kinds of friends that I spoke to,

我訪問的這些朋友，

they don't just have a weekly phone call.

他們不只是每週互通電話。

They're friends like these.

他們是像這樣的朋友。

Natasha and Linda are the first legally recognized platonic co-parents in Canada.

娜塔莎和琳達

是加拿大最早被法律 認可的柏拉圖式共同父母。

And this is them with their teenage son on vacation.

照片中的是她們和她們的 青少年兒子一起去度假。

Joe and John have been best friends for many decades.

喬和約翰數十年來 都是最要好的朋友。

When Joe was struggling with alcohol and drug use,

當喬為酒精和藥物濫用所苦時，

John got him into recovery.

約翰幫助他重新站起來。

And then John decided that to support his friend,

約翰認為若要支持他的朋友，

he would also become sober.

他自己也得保持清醒。

Joy took care of her friend Hannah

喬伊照顧她的朋友漢娜，

during Hannah's six-year battle with ovarian cancer.

陪著她一起對抗卵巢癌六年。

And that included flying out to New York,

過程包括要飛到紐約， 因為漢娜在那裡接受專門治療。

where Hannah got specialized treatment.

Joy had trouble actually sleeping overnight in the hospital,

喬伊在醫院很難好好睡 一個晚上，因為她忙著

because she was too busy watching to make sure

her friend's chest was still rising and falling.

看顧漢娜，確保她的胸口 仍然有在不斷起伏。

Some of the friends that I spoke to had this friendship occupy the space

我訪問的這些朋友當中有些人

讓他們的友誼佔據了 通常會留給愛情伴侶的空間。

that's conventionally given to a romantic partner.

Some had this kind of friendship and a romantic partner.

有些人同時有這種友誼， 也有一位愛情伴侶。

It’s not either/or.

並非只能二擇一。

As I spoke to these people,

我訪問這些人時，

I realized that they were at the frontier of friendship,

我發現，他們走在友誼的前線，

helping us imagine how much more we could ask of our platonic relationships.

協助我們想像我們還可以從我們的 柏拉圖式關係中找到多少可能。

Which is true, but another way of looking at it

這是真的，但還可以 從另一個角度來看：

is they're doing something retro,

他們其實在做復古的事，

even ancient.

甚至是古早的事。

In ancient Rome,

在古羅馬，

friends would talk about each other as "half of my soul,"

朋友會把對方稱為 「我靈魂的一半」，

or "the greater part of my soul."

或者「我靈魂比較棒的那一部分」。

The kind of language we now use in romantic relationships.

現在我們會把這些用語 放在愛情關係中。

From China to Jordan to England,

從中國，到約旦，到英格蘭，

there was a practice called “sworn brotherhood,”

都有所謂的「結拜兄弟」，

where male friends would go through a ritual

男性朋友一起完成一項儀式， 之後他們就是兄弟了。

that would turn them into brothers.

About a century ago,

約一世紀前，

friends would sit for portraits like these,

朋友會一起坐下來畫這樣的畫像，

with their arms wrapped around each other,

他們的手臂會環繞著彼此， 他們的身體非常貼近。

their bodies up close.

What I took from this history is that if we don't limit friendship,

我從這些歷史學到的是， 如果我們不去限制友誼，

it can be central to our lives.

友誼可以成為我們生活的核心。

But today, not everybody recognizes that.

但現今，並非人人 都認可這樣的友誼。

I spoke to a mother who really tried to get her son to make dating a priority

我和一位母親談過，她試圖 要她的兒子把約會放在優先位置，

because she wanted him to find emotional wholeness.

因為她希望他能找到情感的完整性。

And her son told her,

而她的兒子告訴她：

"I found it in my platonic life partner."

「我在我的柏拉圖式 人生伴侶身上找到了。」

His best friend, who he had known since high school,

他和他最好的朋友 在高中時就認識了，

who had moved across the country to be near him,

這位朋友從國家的 另一端搬到他附近，

to live with him, in fact.

事實上，他們住在一起。

The mother said,

母親說：

"I don't understand how you can be partners

「我不懂你怎麼能和沒有浪漫 愛情關係的人成為伴侶。」

with someone you're not romantic with."

Understandable as a reaction

這個反應是可理解的，

in a culture that treats friendship as the sidekick

畢竟在這個文化中， 愛情的英雄才是主角，

to the real hero of romance.

友誼只是陪襯的配角。

We get that message from rom-coms,

我們得到這種訊息的來源 包括愛情喜劇、最高法庭大法官，

from Supreme Court justices, also from policy.

以及政策。

So Joy, during the six years she took care of her friend,

所以在喬伊照顧她朋友的這六年間，

she was not entitled to family medical leave.

她沒有資格請家庭醫療假。

When Hannah died,

漢娜過世時，

Joy was not entitled to bereavement leave,

喬伊也沒資格請喪假，

because the two of them were considered unrelated.

因為她們兩人被視為是無關係的。

In our government and workplace policies,

在我們的政府及工作場所政策中，

friendship is invisible.

是看不見友誼的。

Sometimes this diminishment of friendship comes from the outside,

有時，這種友誼的淡化來自外界，

and sometimes it comes from the inside.

有時則來自內部。

A woman wrote to me about her friend who she considers her person.

有一名女子寫信給我，內容 是關於她認為最重要的朋友。

She spent so much time with her friend's kids

她花了很多時間陪這位朋友的孩子， 多到還有人送她兒童安全坐椅。

that she was given car seats for them.

She's also divorced and tried to find a new spouse

她也離婚了，在找新配偶，

because there was a hole she wanted to fill in her life.

因為她的人生有個空洞， 她想要把它填補起來。

Then she read stories of people like Joe and John

接著，

她在我寫的一篇文章中 讀到喬和約翰等人的故事。

in an article I'd written.

And she realized there was no hole.

她意識到，她的人生其實沒有空洞。

She had been happy all along,

她一直都很快樂，

but she hadn't known,

但她之前都不知道，

been made to believe that it was possible to have a friend be enough.

她開始相信，有可能 只要有個朋友就足夠了。

If we can recognize

如果我們能認可

what friendship has the potential to be,

友誼的潛力，

and if we can recognize that there is more than one kind of significant other

如果我們能認可「重要他人」 不只有一種形式，

then we can imagine more ways for us to find love

那麼我們就能想像出 更多方式，讓我們能找到愛、

and care and companionship.

關懷，以及陪伴。

And we can support people who have these kinds of friendships.

且我們能也支持有這種友誼的人。

So the mother I mentioned, she's completely changed her tune.

我剛才提到的那位母親， 她的態度完全改變了。

She now admires the commitment between her son and her son's friend.

她現在很欣賞她兒子 和她兒子的朋友之間的承諾。

I feel like I get to live in a future world

我覺得我可以生活在 一個未來世界裡，

where you can just build a life with your friends.

在這個世界裡，你可以 只和你的朋友一起建立人生。

I live not only with my husband

我不只和我老公，也和我的 兩位親密友人生活在一起。

but also two of my closest friends.

One of them we kind of like had a courtship process

我們還和其中一位 經過了類似求愛的過程，

to recruit him to come to our city and live with us.

以邀請他到我們的城市 和我們住在一起。

The other had a job in our city, and we invited her to stay.

另一位在我們的城市工作， 我們邀請她留下來。

It didn't take long for us to start scheming

沒多久，我們就和其他 好幾位朋友開始策劃

with about a half dozen other friends,

about trying to buy property together.

一起購買房地產。

The kind of place where we could raise kids alongside one another,

我們可以在這樣的地方 一起養育孩子，

our working title for the place is “The Village.”

我們暫時把這個地方 取名為「村莊」，

I don't know if this will work out.

我不知道這行不行得通 。

I can keep you posted about it, but if it does,

我可以持隨告訴各位 最新消息，但如果行得通，

I feel really confident about one thing.

有件事我敢打包票：

That if one of us has a migraine at 6am

如果早上六點我們當中有個人有 偏頭痛，還有個幼童在蹦蹦跳跳，

and there's a toddler bouncing around,

or we get a terrifying diagnosis,

或者我們的診斷結果非常糟糕，

we will not be a lonely person calling out only for no one to answer.

我們都不會是孤單的人， 呼喊時發現無人應答。

And this is what I hope for all of us.

我也希望大家都能如此：

That we feel like we have permission

我們覺得我們有權利

to share our lives with whoever we are lucky enough to find,

和我們很幸運找到的人 分享我們的生活，

whether that's a spouse,

不論是配偶、

a sibling or a house full of friends.

手足，

或是同住在一間房子裡的一群朋友。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）