Sex Education Should Start with Consent | Kaz | TED

翻译人员: Lingyi Zhao 校对人员: Ziyao Wang

Seems like only yesterday my mother said to me,

仿佛就在昨天， 我妈妈告诉我：

"The ugliest thing in the world

“这世界上最丑陋的事物

is a naked man with socks on."

就是只穿了双袜子的 裸体男人。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Can you believe that was the first piece of sex advice I ever received?

你们能想象这居然是 我得到的第一条有关性的建议吗？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I was 11 years old, growing up in Kenya,

那时我11岁， 在肯尼亚长大，

and I believe this might have been my mother's way of trying to scare me

我觉得这应该只是 妈妈在吓唬我，

out of having intimate relationships with men.

让我不要和男人 发生亲密关系。

It didn't.

这并没有起作用。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Instead, I became fascinated by sex.

恰恰相反， 我开始对性变得着迷。

I wanted to hear other people's stories about sex

我想听其他人 关于性的故事，

and watch all the movies with all the sex scenes.

看所有的电影中 与性有关的画面。

Everything about this very taboo subject was so intriguing to me.

关于这个禁忌话题的所有东西 深深吸引着我。

Well, now my mum's gone.

现在我的妈妈已经去世了，

Nine years this year.

距离现在有九年了。

And true to her word,

她说得真对，

the ugliest thing in the world is a naked man with socks on.

世界上最丑陋的东西 就是只穿了双袜子的裸体男人

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But over time, I have found things to be far much uglier.

但随着时间流逝， 我发现了更加丑陋的东西。

It took me a ton of therapy

在经历了无数次 心理治疗后我才意识到，

to realize that my fixation with sex was due to a traumatized childhood.

我对性的着迷 是童年时的创伤所导致的。

See, I was sexually assaulted when I was eight years old.

我在八岁时遭到了性侵犯。

And I never told anybody,

我没有告诉过任何人，

because even in my comedic-sex-advice household,

因为即使是在我那个 喜剧般地给性建议家庭环境中，

I still didn't learn about consent.

我也从来不知道 性同意是什么。

And I was afraid.

我当时很害怕，

Afraid that I would get into trouble.

害怕我会陷入麻烦，

Afraid that it was my fault or that nobody would believe me.

害怕那是我的错， 或者没有人会相信我。

Or, worse still,

更令我害怕的是，

afraid that my parents would ground me forever.

我的父母会永远 不允许我出门。

And I'm not alone.

这不只是我一个人。

Men sexually assault women and girls on a massive rate in Kenya,

在肯尼亚，男人对女人 或女孩的性侵犯很常见，

where 45 percent of women aged between 15 and 49

在15到49岁女性中，

have reported either physical or sexual violence.

45% 称她们遭遇过 肉体暴力或性暴力。

Actually, only 14 percent have reported sexual violence.

而事实上，只有 14% 的人 举报了性暴力。

And this is possibly because most of this violence

这可能是因为 大多数的暴力

happens in domestic partnerships,

都发生在同居过程中，

where the perpetrator is known by the victim.

受害者认识暴力实行者。

And these patterns play out all around the world.

而这种模式存在于世界各地。

And I truly believe

而我坚定地认为

that it's a lack of sex education in schools

学校教育中性教育的缺乏

that is partially to blame.

是造成这种现状的部分原因。

Back home,

在我的家乡，

the education system is one of destroying your relationship with self,

教育体系会破坏 你与自我的关系，

shaming you for your discovery

它会为你的发现而羞辱你，

and then praising you for how much you conform.

然后会因你的顺从而赞美你。

This, coupled with disturbing imagery of ailing genitals,

这还有病态生殖器的图片

is aimed at teaching us one thing:

都在教育我们一件事：

to abstain from all sexual activity.

摒弃所有性活动。

The perfect puritanical society.

真是完美的清教徒社会。

But of course, young people are still having sex.

当然，年轻人必然 还是会有性行为。

They just don't understand the consequences

他们唯独不了解

of their adult-like choices.

这些类似“成年人”的行为的后果。

This, too, was my experience.

这同样也是我的经历。

I had zero resources growing up

我成长过程中没有任何资源，

and, unfortunately, often found myself in less-than-favorable situations

而且不幸的是， 我常常处于劣势地位，

as a teen and a young adult.

作为一名青少年 或年轻的成年人。

Add on to that coming out as a queer woman in a very homophobic country.

再加上在一个极其恐同的国家 作为一名非异性恋女性。

My therapist once jokingly said that I needed to pick a struggle.

我的治疗师曾开玩笑说 我要选择其中一个劣势来挣扎。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

All of this is to say,

我只是想说，

I really want to create a better transition process for young people,

我真的很想为年轻人 创造一个更好的过渡过程，

because I truly believe that the more we talk about sex,

因为我坚信， 我们对于性说的越多，

the safer and the better it'll be for everybody.

我们每个人也都会越安全。

(Applause)

（掌声）

So in 2016,

所以在2016年，

I started a sex-positive podcast called "The Spread."

我创立了一个“性积极”的播客节目， 叫“传播”。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Targeted at a pan-African audience.

面向所有非洲观众群体。

I really wanted to create a safe space

我非常希望能够 创造一个安全的空间，

where young people could openly talk about different aspects of their sexuality

年轻人可以公开谈论 性的不同方面

without feelings of shame or judgment.

而不感到羞耻或被评判。

And it turns out people love to talk about sex.

结果我发现， 人们喜欢谈论性。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And I've had the great pleasure and honor

我也非常荣幸

of answering a myriad of these questions about sex on my podcast,

可以在我的播客上 回答关于性的这些问题，

such as, "My boyfriend says

例如：“我的男朋友说

that if we have sex and it's my first time and without a condom,

当我们发生无保护性行为， 如果这是我的第一次，

that I won't get pregnant.

那么我就不会怀孕。

Is this true?"

真的是这样吗？”

Of course it's not true.

当然不是这样。

Having sex without a condom poses great risk of not only getting pregnant

没有安全措施的性行为 不仅会增加怀孕的风险，

but contracting STIs.

还会增加性疾病（STI）的风险。

Or, “I watch too much porn,

或是：“我看了太多小黄片，

and I'm no longer aroused by my partner.

以至于我不再被我的伴侣性唤起.

Am I broken?"

我是不是出问题了？”

No, you're not broken.

不，你没有出问题。

But too much porn can desensitize you from real-life pleasures.

不过看太多小黄片确实会使你 对现实生活的快感不再敏感。

Or, "I'm 24 years old

又或者：“我现在24岁

and my friends make fun of me because I'm a virgin.

我的朋友会因为 我还是处男（女）而取笑我。

Should I have sex just to gain popularity?"

我应该为了受欢迎 去寻求性行为吗？”

Absolutely not.

绝对不。

First of all, virginity is a social construct.

首先，童贞是一种社会建构。

And I think you should have your sexual debut --

我认为你的第一次——

(Applause)

（掌声）

thank you --

谢谢——

when you’re good and ready to.

应当发生在你做好准备之后。

A lot of the time, we have a lot of fun on the podcast, honestly.

很多时候，我们在播客上玩得很开心。

But sometimes it does get a little bit serious,

但有时候也会变得有些严肃，

especially when it comes to one topic in particular:

尤其是当我们谈论这个话题时：

consent.

同意。

These are some of the questions I receive.

这里是我收到的一些问题。

"My husband insists on having sex with me even when I don't want to.

“我的丈夫坚持要和我发生性行为， 即使我不愿意。

I've relayed my concerns.

我说了我的担忧。

He always responds with,

但他总是回答，

'You're my wife. It's your place to do so.'

‘你是我的妻子。 你就应当这样做。’

How do I prevent this from happening?"

我如何防止这种情况发生呢？”

Or, "I went out last night and woke up this morning

或者是：“我昨晚出去了，

next to the guy that was chatting me up.

早上发现我睡在 搭讪我的那个人身边。

I have no idea what happened, but I think we had sex.

我不知发生了什么， 但我觉得好像发生了性行为。

What should I do?"

我该怎么办？”

It's conversations like these

这些对话凸显了一个事实，

that reinforce the fact that people don't have the first clue

即人们一点都不知道

how to talk about consent.

如何谈论“同意”。

So it's become my life's work

因此这成了我的终生事业，

to create a curriculum to educate young people on consent.

创建课程针对“同意”这个话题 教育年轻人。

Now the inspiration for this might surprise you,

这个想法的灵感 可能会让你大吃一惊，

but I got it in my 30s

这是我30多岁时

after a visit to a BDSM dungeon.

在参观一个BDSM地牢后想到的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

For those of you that don't know,

让我来解释一下，

BDSM is a series of practices and erotic role play

BDSM是一系列 性行为模式和角色扮演

that involve bondage, discipline,

包括绑缚与调教、

dominance and submission and sadomasochism.

支配与臣服， 以及施虐与受虐。

Now I know, a lot of people have a lot of misleading information

我知道很多人有许多 关于BDSM群体的

about the BDSM community,

误导信息，

but more often than not,

但通常情况下，

we create and curate safe spaces

我们会创建管理出安全的空间，

with an array of toys and items for the kinky community to play with,

其中包含一系列玩具 和物品供变态社区玩耍，

if they so please.

如果他们愿意的话。

It's like a playground.

就像一个游乐场，

For adults.

成年人的游乐场。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

In BDSM, everything is negotiated before it happens.

BDSM中，做每件事之前 都会先商量好。

And these are some of the rules and regulations

这是一些在你刚开始时

that would greet you upon entry.

会告诉你的规则。

One:

一，

Do not touch anyone without asking.

没有询问之前 不要有肢体接触。

Even a hug,

在你不认识别人时，

if you don't know somebody, is a bad move without permission.

即使一个拥抱 再没征得同意时也是不妥的。

Two:

二，

Do not touch anyone's toys without permission.

在没有征得同意时 不要碰他人的玩具。

If you're not sure if something is a toy, ask.

如果你不确定某样东西 是不是玩具，问问看。

Three:

三，

Consent can be withdrawn at any time during an activity.

同意可以在任何时候、 任何活动中被撤回。

And my personal favorite:

还有我最喜欢的一条：

if consent is not given,

如果对方没有同意，

do not ask again.

不要再问第二次。

Accept and respect a "no,"

接受这个回答， 尊重对方的拒绝，

as graciously as you would a "yes."

要像取得同意时一样有礼貌。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Now, in no way am I interested in teaching children BDSM.

其实我一点都不想 教孩子们 BDSM。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But BDSM, a community that is created strictly for adults

然而，BDSM虽然是一个 专为成人打造的社区，

that people view as shameful and dangerous,

人们觉得它羞耻又危险，

has better guidelines for learning about consent

但对于学习“同意”，

than many homes or schools

它比世界上很多地方的 家庭和学校

in many parts of the world.

有更好的指导方针。

And like you've heard, these rules aren't specifically sexual,

就像你听到的， 这些规则不只关于性，

but they can apply to sex.

但可以用于性。

I truly think that the strategy

我真切地认为

to raising adults with healthy sexual behaviors

想要提高成年人 对于健康性行为的认识

is to first teach kids about consent,

首先应当告诉孩子“同意”的概念，

like, super early,

而且要很早，

way before sex is even a topic of conversation.

要在“性”成为 谈论的话题之前。

Can you imagine having conversations with kids

你们可以想象一下 和孩子们交谈并告诉他们，

and letting them know that everything about their bodies can be negotiated?

所有关于他们身体的事 都是可以商量的。

For example,

例如，

let them decide who they want to help them during bath time.

让他们自己决定洗澡时 谁来帮助他们。

Or tell them

或者告诉他们

that they don't have to accept that kiss on the cheek from grandma.

他们并不一定要接受 奶奶在他们脸颊上的亲吻。

Or tell them that they have to ask for a permission

又或者告诉他们， 在玩别人的玩具卡车之前

before they play with somebody else's toy truck.

需要先征得同意。

And let them know that they can say,

以及让他们明白 他们可以说：

"Actually my pronouns are they/them,"

“我的人称代词是‘他们’ （而不是他/她）”

without feeling guilty.

而不感到内疚。

(Applause)

（掌声）

It's these tools that will help keep our children safe

这些工具将确保 我们的孩子的安全

and respect people throughout their lives.

并使他们在一生中都尊重他人。

We have the power to shape the future.

我们有能力塑造未来。

The solutions are simple.

解决办法很简单。

It's the patriarchy that's so damn difficult.

只是该死的父权主义 太难解决了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

So let's engage five, six or eight-year-olds

所以让我们与5岁、6岁 或8岁的孩子们

on conversation around consent

一起讨论关于同意

and bodily autonomy

和身体自主权的话题，

as a function of affirming their humanity,

这是对他们人性的肯定，

which in turn can look like adults having safe, healthy,

反过来也会像 拥有安全的、健康的

pleasurable and fun sex.

令人愉悦的性生活的成年人。

Because consent isn't just about sex.

因为同意 不仅只关于性，

It's first about communication and relationships.

而且更重要的是沟通 和人际关系。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）