Sex Education Should Start with Consent | Kaz | TED

譯者: 至磊Zi Le 黃Ng 審譯者: Shelley Tsang 曾雯海

Seems like only yesterday my mother said to me,

我的母親對我說這些話 彷彿只是昨天的事：

"The ugliest thing in the world

「世界上最糟糕的東西就是 穿著襪子的裸體男人。」

is a naked man with socks on."

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Can you believe that was the first piece of sex advice I ever received?

你們能不能相信這就是 我得到的第一條關於性的建議？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I was 11 years old, growing up in Kenya,

我當時十一歲，成長於肯亞，

and I believe this might have been my mother's way of trying to scare me

我相信這可能是母親恐嚇我的方式，

out of having intimate relationships with men.

讓我不要與男人有親密關係。

It didn't.

她的計畫失敗了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Instead, I became fascinated by sex.

與之相反，我為了性而著迷。

I wanted to hear other people's stories about sex

我想要聽到其他人關於性的故事，

and watch all the movies with all the sex scenes.

看了每一部有性愛場面的電影。

Everything about this very taboo subject was so intriguing to me.

這個禁忌議題的一切 都深深地吸引著我。

Well, now my mum's gone.

現在我母親已經去世了，

Nine years this year.

那是九年前的事。

And true to her word,

她說的是真的，

the ugliest thing in the world is a naked man with socks on.

世上最糟的東西 就是穿著襪子的裸男。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But over time, I have found things to be far much uglier.

但隨著時間的流逝， 我發現了糟糕許多的東西。

It took me a ton of therapy

經過無數治療，

to realize that my fixation with sex was due to a traumatized childhood.

我才發現我對於性的迷戀 是源於受創傷的童年。

See, I was sexually assaulted when I was eight years old.

要知道，我八歲就遭到性侵害。

And I never told anybody,

我從未告訴任何人，

because even in my comedic-sex-advice household,

因為儘管我的家庭 提供可笑的性建議，

I still didn't learn about consent.

我還是沒有學到「同意」。

And I was afraid.

我當時很害怕，

Afraid that I would get into trouble.

怕我可能陷入麻煩之中，

Afraid that it was my fault or that nobody would believe me.

怕這是我的錯，或是沒人相信我。

Or, worse still,

或者更糟的是，

afraid that my parents would ground me forever.

怕我的父母會永遠把我禁足。

And I'm not alone.

我不是唯一一人。

Men sexually assault women and girls on a massive rate in Kenya,

肯亞婦女和女孩 被男人性侵的比例非常高，

where 45 percent of women aged between 15 and 49

介於 15 至 49 歲的女性中， 有 45% 的人表示

have reported either physical or sexual violence.

自己曾受過肢體或性暴力。

Actually, only 14 percent have reported sexual violence.

實際上，只有 14% 的人 回報自己曾受過性暴力，

And this is possibly because most of this violence

而這很可能是因為這些暴力 絕大多數發生於同居關係之中，

happens in domestic partnerships,

where the perpetrator is known by the victim.

被害人知道施暴者是誰。

And these patterns play out all around the world.

這種模式在世界各地屢見不鮮。

And I truly believe

而我真的相信，

that it's a lack of sex education in schools

學校性教育的缺失 要負上部分責任。

that is partially to blame.

Back home,

回到家中，

the education system is one of destroying your relationship with self,

教育體系會摧毀你和自己的關係，

shaming you for your discovery

羞辱你的覺察，

and then praising you for how much you conform.

讚揚你有多麼順從。

This, coupled with disturbing imagery of ailing genitals,

再加上令人不安的 染上性病的生殖器照片，

is aimed at teaching us one thing:

目的是教導我們一件事：

to abstain from all sexual activity.

戒絕所有性活動。

The perfect puritanical society.

完美的清教徒式的社會。

But of course, young people are still having sex.

但當然，年輕人還是會有性行為。

They just don't understand the consequences

他們只是不知道這種 成人般的選擇會有什麼後果。

of their adult-like choices.

This, too, was my experience.

這也是我自己的經驗。

I had zero resources growing up

我成長時沒有任何資源，

and, unfortunately, often found myself in less-than-favorable situations

我發現相較於其他青少年， 我時常不幸地處在不利的情況。

as a teen and a young adult.

Add on to that coming out as a queer woman in a very homophobic country.

再加上我在非常恐同的國家 公開我是一名酷兒女性。

My therapist once jokingly said that I needed to pick a struggle.

我的治療師曾經開玩笑說， 我只該挑一種困難來面對。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

All of this is to say,

講這麼多是要說，

I really want to create a better transition process for young people,

我非常希望為年輕人 開啟更好的轉變，

because I truly believe that the more we talk about sex,

因為我真心相信 只要關於性的討論越多，

the safer and the better it'll be for everybody.

性對於所有人都會更安全、美好。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

So in 2016,

所以在 2016 年，

I started a sex-positive podcast called "The Spread."

我創立了性積極播客頻道「傳播」。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Targeted at a pan-African audience.

以全非洲的聽眾為目標。

I really wanted to create a safe space

我非常希望創造一個安全的場域，

where young people could openly talk about different aspects of their sexuality

讓年輕人可以敞開心胸， 談論他們性慾的不同面向，

without feelings of shame or judgment.

不會覺得羞恥或受到評判。

And it turns out people love to talk about sex.

結果發現大家熱愛討論性。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I've had the great pleasure and honor

我感到快樂與榮幸

of answering a myriad of these questions about sex on my podcast,

能夠在我的播客上 回答無數關於性的問題，

such as, "My boyfriend says

例如「我男友說，

that if we have sex and it's my first time and without a condom,

如果我們的性行為是我的第一次，

那就算他不戴保險套， 我也不會懷孕。

that I won't get pregnant.

Is this true?"

這是真的嗎？」

Of course it's not true.

當然這不是真的。

Having sex without a condom poses great risk of not only getting pregnant

發生性行為卻不戴保險套 引起的威脅不止於懷孕，

but contracting STIs.

更可能染上性病。

Or, “I watch too much porn,

或是「我看了太多色情片，

and I'm no longer aroused by my partner.

結果對伴侶再也沒有性慾。

Am I broken?"

我有病嗎？」

No, you're not broken.

不，你沒病，

But too much porn can desensitize you from real-life pleasures.

但看太多色情片會讓你 對現實生活的快樂麻木。

Or, "I'm 24 years old

或者「我二十四歲，

and my friends make fun of me because I'm a virgin.

朋友嘲笑我還是處女。

Should I have sex just to gain popularity?"

我該不該為了受歡迎 而發生性行為呢？」

Absolutely not.

絕對不要。

First of all, virginity is a social construct.

首先，處女是社會建構出來的觀念。

And I think you should have your sexual debut --

而且我認為你應該把初夜保留到……

(Applause)

（掌聲）

thank you --

謝謝你們——

when you’re good and ready to.

你覺得適合並準備好的時候。

A lot of the time, we have a lot of fun on the podcast, honestly.

老實說，我們經常在播客 享受很多歡樂。

But sometimes it does get a little bit serious,

但有時會變得有些嚴肅，

especially when it comes to one topic in particular:

尤其是談論一個議題時：

consent.

同意。

These are some of the questions I receive.

這裡有一些我收到的問題。

"My husband insists on having sex with me even when I don't want to.

「即使是我不願意的時候， 丈夫也堅持進行性行為。

I've relayed my concerns.

我表達過我的顧慮，

He always responds with,

但他總是回答：

'You're my wife. It's your place to do so.'

『妳是我太太，這是妳的職責。』

How do I prevent this from happening?"

我該怎麼防止這種事發生？」

Or, "I went out last night and woke up this morning

或是「我昨晚外出，今早才醒來，

next to the guy that was chatting me up.

發現身旁是昨天搭訕我的傢伙。

I have no idea what happened, but I think we had sex.

我不曉得發生什麼事， 但我覺得發生了性行為。

What should I do?"

我該怎麼辦？」

It's conversations like these

像這樣的對話更加證實

that reinforce the fact that people don't have the first clue

人們對於如何談論「同意」 一點想法也沒有。

how to talk about consent.

So it's become my life's work

因此我一生的事業就是

to create a curriculum to educate young people on consent.

創立一個課程， 教導年輕人關於同意的事。

Now the inspiration for this might surprise you,

啟發我這麼做的動機 可能讓你們感到驚訝，

but I got it in my 30s

但我得到靈感是在三十幾歲、

after a visit to a BDSM dungeon.

造訪了一座 BDSM 地牢後。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

For those of you that don't know,

如果有人沒聽過 BDSM ，

BDSM is a series of practices and erotic role play

那是一系列的行為 與涉及性欲的角色扮演，

that involve bondage, discipline,

包含綁縛與調教、 支配與臣服、施虐與受虐。

dominance and submission and sadomasochism.

Now I know, a lot of people have a lot of misleading information

我知道很多人對於 BDSM 群體 抱持不少具誤導性的資訊，

about the BDSM community,

but more often than not,

但大部分時候，

we create and curate safe spaces

我們會建立、安排安全的空間，

with an array of toys and items for the kinky community to play with,

提供一系列玩具和物件 給具有特殊癖好的群體玩樂，

if they so please.

如果他們喜歡的話。

It's like a playground.

那就像一座遊樂場，

For adults.

不過是給成人的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

In BDSM, everything is negotiated before it happens.

BDSM 的所有行為 發生前都經過協商。

And these are some of the rules and regulations

而且一進來這個群體， 就要遵守一些規則。

that would greet you upon entry.

One:

第一條：

Do not touch anyone without asking.

請勿未經詢問便觸碰他人。

Even a hug,

即便只是擁抱，

if you don't know somebody, is a bad move without permission.

如果你不認識對方， 未經允許就是錯的。

Two:

第二條：

Do not touch anyone's toys without permission.

請勿未獲同意便觸碰他人的玩具。

If you're not sure if something is a toy, ask.

如果你不確定某個東西 是不是玩具，那就發問。

Three:

第三條：

Consent can be withdrawn at any time during an activity.

活動中的任何時刻均可撤回同意。

And my personal favorite:

還有我個人的最愛：

if consent is not given,

如果徵求同意被拒，

do not ask again.

請勿再次詢問。

Accept and respect a "no,"

接受並尊重說「不」的人，

as graciously as you would a "yes."

就像對說「好」的人一樣友善。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Now, in no way am I interested in teaching children BDSM.

我絕對不想教小朋友 BDSM 。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But BDSM, a community that is created strictly for adults

但為成人創立的 BDSM 群體 有嚴謹的規定，

that people view as shameful and dangerous,

眾人覺得這可恥、危險，

has better guidelines for learning about consent

但它對學習「同意」 可以提供更好的指引，

than many homes or schools

相較於世界各地的許多家庭或學校。

in many parts of the world.

And like you've heard, these rules aren't specifically sexual,

就像你們剛剛所聽到的， 這些規則不涉及性，

but they can apply to sex.

但可以適用於性。

I truly think that the strategy

我真心認為促進成人 進行健康的性行為的策略

to raising adults with healthy sexual behaviors

is to first teach kids about consent,

就是先教會孩子「同意」，

like, super early,

趁非常小的時候，

way before sex is even a topic of conversation.

在性成為討論話題之前。

Can you imagine having conversations with kids

你們能不能想像和小朋友交談，

and letting them know that everything about their bodies can be negotiated?

讓他們知道自己身體的所有事情 都可以經過協商？

For example,

舉例來說，

let them decide who they want to help them during bath time.

讓他們決定希望誰幫自己洗澡；

Or tell them

或是告訴他們

that they don't have to accept that kiss on the cheek from grandma.

不一定要接受祖母親吻他們的臉頰；

Or tell them that they have to ask for a permission

或是告訴他們必須先徵求同意

before they play with somebody else's toy truck.

才能玩其他人的玩具卡車；

And let them know that they can say,

讓他們知道自己可以說：

"Actually my pronouns are they/them,"

「我的代名詞是 中性的 they/them 」，

without feeling guilty.

不必有罪惡感。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

It's these tools that will help keep our children safe

就是這些事物有助於 保障我們孩子的安全，

and respect people throughout their lives.

終其一生尊重他人。

We have the power to shape the future.

我們有力量可以形塑未來。

The solutions are simple.

解決方案很簡單，

It's the patriarchy that's so damn difficult.

最難纏的是父權社會。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

So let's engage five, six or eight-year-olds

讓我們把五歲、六歲、八歲的孩子

on conversation around consent

納入有關同意和身體自主權的討論，

and bodily autonomy

as a function of affirming their humanity,

藉此聲明他們應該被當做人來看待，

which in turn can look like adults having safe, healthy,

就像成人可以享有

安全、健康、愉悅、 有趣的性愛那樣。

pleasurable and fun sex.

Because consent isn't just about sex.

因為同意不只跟性有關，

It's first about communication and relationships.

更重要的是同意 關乎溝通與人際關係。

Thank you.

謝謝你們。

(Applause)

（掌聲）