3 Steps to Better Connect With Your Fellow Humans | Amber Cabral | TED

翻译人员: Lening Xu 校对人员: suya f.

OK, so my name is Amber Cabral, and I teach people how to be good humans.

我是安伯·卡布拉尔（Amber Cabral）， 我的职业是教人们如何成为好人。

What that essentially comes down to

实质上，我是与许多知名品牌合作

is I work with a lot of well-recognized brands

on something that is a pretty consistent challenge day-to-day.

共同应对日复一日的持续挑战。

And what that really comes down to is:

归根结底是：

how do we help people who are different from one another

我们如何帮助彼此不同的人

experience a sense of belonging and support in the workplace?

在工作场所获得归属感和支持？

Now we've all had that moment.

我们都曾经历过那种时刻。

We've been at work and we're like, "Ah, I just don't feel like I fit here."

我们一直在工作，却想说， “啊，我感觉自己不适合这里。”

And so I help organizations kind of start to figure out

因此，我帮助组织开始弄清楚

how to make the connections necessary for that to work.

如何建立必要的联系， 使之发挥作用。

Now support sounds easy.

支持听起来很简单。

Like we think we can just do that, because we do it all the time.

就像我们认为我们可以做到的那样， 因为我们总是这么做。

We support people we love and care about.

我们支持我们爱护和关心的人。

We support people that we think we understand,

我们支持我们认为自己理解的人，

even if we don't know them.

即使我们不认识他们。

But when it comes to people that we, like, don't know at all

但是，当涉及到那些我们根本不认识

or we don't have that connection with,

或与之没有这种联系的人时，

well, then we kind of get a little weird about it.

然后我们就有点奇怪了。

And what we really need to do is pay attention to those differences,

我们真正需要做的是注意这些差异，

because there's magic in those differences,

因为这些差异有神奇之处，

there's something in there

我们真正有机会从中学习和成长。

that we actually have an opportunity to learn and grow from.

But we've kind of been taught to politely ignore

但我们被教导要礼貌地忽略，

when we're different from one another.

当我们彼此不同的时候。

We don't actually pay attention to it.

我们实际上并没有注意到这一点。

And here’s the thing: differences are inevitable.

事实是：差异是不可避免的。

Look around this room.

环顾这个房间。

Think about your travel into this room today.

想想你今天来到这个房间的过程。

You encountered all kinds of differences.

你遇到了各种各样的差异。

We have different backgrounds, different ideas, different perspectives.

我们有不同的背景、 不同的想法、不同的视角。

We have different identities, we have different abilities, all of it.

我们有不同的身份， 不同的能力，所有这些。

And it's going to continue to be that way forever.

而这种情况将永远持续。

But we still have this moment

但仍有这样的时刻，

where we want to pull back when differences happen.

当分歧发生时，我们想撤退。

And what I want to encourage you to do is instead of pull back,

我想鼓励你做的是不要退缩，

maybe take a moment and notice those differences.

不如花点时间关注这些差异。

And not so that it's awkward or weird.

这并不尴尬或奇怪。

You know we try to do that thing where we see a thing,

你知道我们试图在看到事物 的地方做那件事，

but we try to act like we don't see the thing.

但我们尽量表现得 好像看不见事物一样。

Like, don't do that!

别那样做！

But definitely please, let's be aware of the differences,

但是，请务必关注差异，

because the magic that's in those will help us move forward.

因为其中的魔力 将帮助我们向前迈进。

And I'm going to give you some techniques

我将基于我自己的学习过程 以及所学知识给你分享一些技巧，

based on just my own study and my own learnings

that I think will help you be able to bridge some of those connections

我认为这将帮助你在前行过程中 架起联系的桥梁，

as we move forward, alright?

So the first step ...

第一步，

The first step -- there are three.

三步中的第一步。

Let me warn you because sometimes we need to know that. Alright.

我提醒你，有时候我们 需要知道这一点。

The first step is to acknowledge that we all have some privilege.

第一步，承认我们都有一定的特权。

Now that word might have landed on some of you, like, ich.

特权可能已经 存在于你们每一个人身上，

Right? But really.

对吧？的确是。

And I want to demonstrate it for you for just a moment.

我想给大家示范一下。

Did you wake up this morning with hot, clean running water?

你今天早上醒来时喝了 又热又干净的自来水吗？

Did you think about it?

你可曾想过？

Did you wonder if your shower was going to be your ideal temperature,

你想知道你的淋浴 是否会是你理想的温度吗？

or if you'd have clean water for your morning coffee or tea?

或早上喝咖啡或茶时是否有干净的水？

Likely the answer is no.

答案可能是否定的。

For most of us in this room.

对于这个房间里的大多数人来说。

But I think we can all agree

但我认为，我们都会同意，

that access to water is indeed a privilege.

获得水的确是一种特权。

In fact, a little more than a quarter of the world's population

实际上，全世界有大约超过 四分之一的人口

does not have access to safely managed drinking water at home.

无法在家中获得安全的饮用水。

So while it might be our norm,

因此，尽管这可能是我们的常态，

it is indeed a privilege.

但它确实是一种特权。

And this is how privilege shows up.

特权就是这样表现出来的。

We don't see it. It's regular to us.

我们感觉不到， 这些对我们来说是正常不过的。

It's a part of who we are. We don't even think about it.

这是我们本质的一部分。 我们甚至没想过。

But if we take a moment and we actually pay attention,

但如果我们花点时间真正关注一下，

what being aware of our privilege does for us

意识到特权对我们有什么帮助，

is it helps us to see where we have access.

它帮助我们看到我们可以到达的地方。

It helps us see where we have ease.

它可以帮助我们了解哪里可以轻松自在。

And access and ease give us power.

通达和安逸赋予我们力量。

Something as simple as being able to speak the language of our communities

一些简单的事情， 比如能够说我们社区的语言

gives us privilege,

赋予了我们特权，

and that privilege gives us power.

而这种特权赋予了我们力量。

So you may be wondering:

你可能想知道：

how do I figure out my privileges if they're regular?

如果我的特权是常规的， 我该如何发掘？

They're everywhere.

他们无处不在。

OK, let me give you a simple question you can ask yourself.

我来问你一个简单的问题， 你可以问自己。

What about me or my experience

关于我或我的经历，

might someone look at and consider to be typical?

也许有人认为是典型的特权？

It could be my upbringing.

它可能是我的成长经历。

It could be the language I speak.

它可能是我说的语言。

It could be the way my body works. It could be my style of dress.

它可能是我的身体运作方式。 它可能是我的着装风格。

It could be any of those elements.

可能是这些元素中的任何一个。

But it's hidden in the things that we think of as everyday and regular.

但它隐藏在我们认为 日常和规律的事情中。

That's where we're going to find our privilege.

这就是我们的特权所在。

So that leads me to the second step.

因此，这使我进入第二步。

The second step is we need to be willing to recognize the differences in folks

第二步，我们需要 承认人与人之间的差异，

and want to get to know them across those differences.

并通过这些差异来了解他人。

Let me learn about your experiences so that I can develop empathy for you.

让我了解一下你的经历， 这样我就能对你产生同理心。

That learning about the experiences part, it's not just so that we can be curious.

关于经验的学习部分， 不仅仅是为了让我们感到好奇。

We love stories, alright? That's great. Keep loving the stories.

我们喜欢故事，对吗？ 太棒了，继续喜欢这些故事。

But also getting to know about folks' experience

但是，了解人们的经历

gives us a bit of perspective that we might not otherwise have.

也为我们提供了一些 原本可能没有的视角。

And so what we want to think about is, you know,

因此，我们要考虑的是，

considering the impact that having those kinds of connections

你知道，拥有这些联系对我们的影响。

can show for us.

Even as a simple example,

即使举一个简单的例子，

I mentioned we struggle to connect across differences.

我想说，我们很难跨越差异建立联系。

But think about this: a couple days ago, maybe a month ago,

但想想看： 几天前，大概一个月前，

I saw online where Snoop Dogg, yes, the rapper Snoop Dogg,

我在网上看到了史努比·狗狗，

是的，说唱歌手史努比·狗狗 在他的领英上发帖——

posted on his LinkedIn --

which why he's on LinkedIn, I have no idea --

这就是他在领英上的原因， 我不知道——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

That he really valued his relationship with Martha Stewart.

他真的很重视 与玛莎·斯图尔特的关系。

Now most of us have seen that relationship,

现在我们大多数人 已经看到了这种关系，

and if we're being honest, we kind of notice

说实话，我们会注意到 它们之间存在一些差异，

that there's some differences between them

that make that connection kind of unlikely, right?

这使得这种联系不太可能，对吧？

OK. But you know what?

好吧。但是你知道吗？

He pointed out specifically, “I learn so much from this friendship.

他特别指出：“我从这种友谊中 学到了很多东西。

I get so much value out of this relationship."

这段关系对我很有价值。”

And it was the willingness of being able to connect across differences

跨越差异建立联系的意愿，

that most of us would kind of politely ignore,

总是被大多数人会礼貌地忽视，

or would assume were not available to us.

或认为我们无法实现。

So learning about the experiences of others is about hearing the stories.

因此，了解他人的经历就是聆听故事。

Yes, but it's also about having empathy and connection,

这也关乎同理心和人际关系，

and being able to broaden our view.

并能拓宽我们的视野。

Now I have another example where this happens,

还有另一个例子说明了这种情况，

and this is the workplace,

这就是工作场所，

because I care a lot about how this shows up in the workplace,

因为我非常在意这种情况 在工作场所的表现方式，

because we all, you know, at least for now, until the AI gets us,

因为，至少就目前而言， 在人工智能引入之前，

have to go into the workplace.

我们都必须进入工作场所。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

OK, so when we're thinking about the workplace,

所以当我们考虑工作场所时，

one of the things that always happens is interviews.

面试是经常发生的事情之一。

I've had this conversation with a lot of my clients

我与很多客户进行了这样的交谈，

because clients are always thinking

因为客户们一直在考虑， 如何吸引和留住人才。

about how are we attracting and retaining talent.

他们总是特别考虑 黑人、棕色人种、年轻人。

They’re always thinking about specifically Black folks, brown folks, young folks.

我们想要确保正在构建这些连接。

And we want to make sure that we're bridging those connections.

但是我们知道，

But we know that our workplaces

我们的工作场所并不总是 能吸引这些不同身份的人。

aren't always inviting to those diverse identities.

现在我的客户们听到的是通道问题。

Now what my clients hear is a pipeline problem.

But what I hear is an empathy problem.

但我听到的是同理心问题。

I'll give an example of what that looks like.

我举一个例子 来说明它是什么样子。

Candidates go into an interview.

候选人参加面试。

One of the questions is,

问题之一是，

"I'd like you to tell me about how you navigate ambiguity."

“我想让你告诉我 你是如何处理分歧的。”

Most of the candidates tell a story about working in a previous position,

大多数候选人 讲述了在以前的工作职位，

having to solve a problem,

必须解决的一个问题，

not having a lot of resources or information,

没有可供决策的充足资源或信息，

making some educated guesses

and ultimately solving said problem amazingly.

并最终出人意料地解决问题的故事。

Alright? Creating a fantastic new product.

创造一款出色的新产品。

We've heard this story. We work with those people. OK, great.

我们听了这些故事。 我们与这些人合作。太棒了。

But there's one candidate,

但是有一位候选人，

and when that question hits them,

当他们遇到这个问题时，

what they do is they tell a story about a 1989 Honda Accord.

他讲了一个 1989 年 关于本田雅阁的故事。

It's a car that their father gave them before they went away to college.

这是他们上大学之前 父亲送给他们的车。

And it ran great.

车子行驶得很好。

But the gas gauge didn't work.

但是油表坏了。

So they talk about -- feels real, right?

所以他们谈论 —— 感觉很真实，对吧？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Y’all know this person, too.

你们也认识这个人。

So the gas gauge didn't work.

因为汽油表坏了。

So they had to develop a process

因此，他们必须开发一个流程 以确保能够追踪里程，

to make sure that they were able to track their miles

so that they would know when they needed to fill up again.

这样他们才能知道 何时需要再次加油。

Right?

对吧？

They had to navigate the ambiguity

他们必须克服不知道 油箱里有多少油的不确定性，

of having no idea what was in their gas tank

and make sure that they didn't run out of gas,

确保汽油不会被耗尽，

and they managed to do that.

他们设法做到了。

"I track my miles so that I know exactly when I need to fill up,

“我会追踪里程，这样就能 确切地知道什么时候需要加油，

so that I don't have to worry about running out of gas."

就不用再担心汽油用完了。”

How often would we hear a story like that in the workplace

我们经常会在工作场所 听到这样的故事，

and discount that person?

然后对那个人不屑一顾？

How often would we dismiss or not even consider the candidate

我们经常会解雇或忽略那些侯选人，

because they didn't give us a business example,

因为他们没有列举商业榜样，

or we didn’t hear it as a culture fit.

或者我们听起来不契合文化。

When if we’re really honest with ourselves,

如果我们诚实面对自我，

the candidate with the Honda Accord not only navigated the ambiguity

本田雅阁的候选人不仅克服了 车内没有汽油的不确定性，

of not having any gas in the car,

they also did something in their day-to-day life.

而且在日常生活中也做了一些事情。

It wasn't just for work.

这不只是为了工作。

This is one of the things I had to figure out how to do to survive.

这是我必须弄清楚 关乎生存的事情之一。

它与生俱来，就在身体里， 想想我们是不是这样思考的。

It's innate. It's in my body. Think about if we considered it that way.

Think about if we considered getting to know folks' stories

想想我们是否思考去了解他人的故事，

and having empathy for them

并对他们产生共情，

as a part of the way that we evaluate

这是评估他们在哪里会有机会 茁壮成长的一部分，

where they have an opportunity to thrive and grow,

instead of just listening for the things that we always listen for.

而不仅仅是倾听 我们一直在倾听的东西。

That leads me to the third step. OK?

这就引出了第三步。

The third step is extending your privilege to others.

第三步是将您的特权扩展到其他人。

So I have another story.

我将讲述另一个故事。

I was on a call the other day with a client.

前几天我正在和一个客户通电话。

她是一家相当大公司的人力资源主管。

She is the head of HR for a pretty big company.

It was she and I and one of her colleagues on the call.

她和我以及她的一位同事一起通话。

And as we were having the discussion, about 10 minutes in,

当时我们正在进行讨论时， 大 约 10 分钟后，

she chimes in and says, "Wait, I'm going to hop off for a moment.

她插话说： “稍等，我要离开一会儿。

I need to go change my top. I'll be back."

我得去换上衣，稍后回来。”

A few minutes pass by.

几分钟过去了。

She returns to the call, and she's in a plain black shirt.

她穿着一件纯黑衬衫回来接电话。

她摘下了耳环，卸了妆。

She's taken her earrings off, makeup's gone.

So I ask, like, "Why'd you change clothes?"

因此我问她， “你为什么要换衣服？”

She says, "Oh, I'm getting my home appraised today.

她说：“哦，今天我的房屋要做评估。

So I'm actually going to pretend to be the cleaning lady,

所以我得假装自己是清洁女工，

and my neighbor across the street

街对面的邻居会过来假扮我。 她是白人。”

is going to come over and pretend to be me. She's white."

I'm nodding my head because I know what's going on.

我点点头，我知道发生了什么。

The colleague on the call says,

电话中的同事说：

"Wait, what do you mean? I don't understand."

“等等，这是什么意思？ 我不明白。”

So my client proceeds to explain about the stories about Black folks' homes

因此，我的客户继续解释

在有证据表明房主是黑人的情况下， 房屋的估值会降低。

being appraised for less

when there's evidence that the homeowners are Black.

The colleague on the call is, like, almost outraged.

通话中的同事差点被激怒了。

Like, "What? Is that a real thing? I can't believe this is happening."

“什么？那是真的吗？ 我简直不敢相信会发生这种事。”

Meanwhile, I am feeling grateful to the neighbor

这一刻，我很感激这位邻居

for being able to identify her privilege,

能够认清自己的特权，

for being able to empathize with my client,

能够同情我的客户，

and for being willing to extend the privilege of her race

也感谢她愿意 在这种情况下扩展种族特权。

in that situation.

The three steps that I just covered with you

我刚才向大家介绍的三个步骤

are what most of us want when we think about support.

是我们大多数人在考虑支持时想要的。

I want someone to identify their privilege.

我想有人能清楚他们的特权。

I want somebody to actually hear my circumstances and experience,

我希望有人能真心 聆听我的处境和经历，

and empathize with me.

并与我共情。

And then I want you to extend your privilege

我期待你能本着尊重和 有影响力的方式扩展你的特权，

respectfully and impactfully

in the ways that you're able to in that relationship.

以你在人际关系中所能做到的方式。

Now I have a little secret.

我还有一个小秘密。

A confession, if you will.

如果你们接受的话我就坦白了，

There is a word I've been avoiding in this conversation.

在这次讲话中， 我一直在回避一个词。

So I mentioned at the top of this, you know, dialogue

我在讲话的开头提到了 我与许多知名品牌的合作。

that I work with lots of well-recognized brands.

And what I didn't tell you is that the work I do is DEI,

我没有告诉你的是， 我所做的工作是DEI，

or diversity, equity and inclusion.

或者说多元化、公平和包容性。

And the word that I’ve been avoiding is “allyship.”

而我一直回避的词是“同盟关系”。

The three steps that we just talked through

我们刚才讨论的三个步骤

is what allyship looks like in action.

就是盟友关系在行动中的样子。

Now I'll be honest, I avoided it because I just wanted you to hear my talk.

说实话，我避开这个词 是因为我只是想要你们听我的演讲。

I know right now the media is all the rage.

我知道这个词在媒体上正风靡。

DEI is dying, right? And allyship is on its way with it.

DEI 快消失了，对吧？ 同盟关系即将风靡。

But I want us to just for a moment

但我希望大家都考虑一下，

consider that maybe allyship isn't grand historical gestures

同盟关系可能不是宏大的历史姿态，

or another big program, or huge financial commitments.

也不是另一个重大计划 或巨额的财务承诺。

I mean, we need those too, but --

我们也需要这些，但是——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It doesn’t have to just be that.

不仅仅是这些。

It doesn't have to just be those really big, visible things.

它不一定只是那些非常大的、 可见的东西。

It can be the small things,

它可以是小事情，

the things that we see and encounter every day.

也可以是我们每天看到 和遇到的事情。

Allyship is understanding that the system is such

对同盟关系的系统理解是这样的，

that the way your neighbor is experiencing a home appraisal

你的邻居体验房屋评估的方式

and the way you might be

可能和你会有所不同，

could be different,

and being willing to step in and interrupt that impact.

并且愿意介入并中断这种影响。

It could also be recognizing that access to job opportunities

这也可能是认识到， 因为仅有你获得了工作机会，

isn't necessarily fair just because you got in.

过程不一定公平。

It's left-handed scissors.

它是左手拿剪刀。

It's considering food allergies.

它是对于食物过敏的思考。

It's being willing to accept correction when you mispronounce someone's name

是当你念错了某人的名字或性别错误时， 愿意接受更正的意愿。

or misgender them.

It's all of those things that you encounter every single day.

它是你每天都会遇到的所有事情。

And I think when we think of it as just the big things,

我认为，当我们把它看作是大事时，

we miss an opportunity to step into what we independently,

我们就会错过一个机会

无法独立、自主地成为盟友。

individually have the ability to do to be allies.

And I know that word may still not sit well with a lot of you.

我知道你们很多人可能 仍然不太喜欢这个词。

But whether you call it support, love, friendship, solidarity,

但是，无论你称之为 支持、爱、友谊、团结，

whatever you'd like to call it,

无论你想怎么称呼它，

let's start taking the kinds of everyday actions

让我们开始采取日常行动，

that really bring it to life.

真正将其变为现实的日常行动。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）