Your Relationship Expectations Could Be Holding You Back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile | TED

翻译人员: Evelyn LIAO 校对人员: Yanyan Hong

I’m a couples therapist and an absolute romance fiend.

我是一名夫妻治疗师， 也是一位绝对浪漫迷。

I'm talking about everything from "The Notebook" to "Twilight"

我谈论有关《恋恋笔记本》 到《暮光之城》的一切，

to a show some of you may remember called "The Flavor of Love."

以及一部你或许有印象的真人秀 叫《爱之味》。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's a reality competition show

《爱之味》是一部真人竞技秀，

where the prize was the love of Flavor Flav.

奖品得到说唱歌手 Flavor Flav 的爱。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I think about relationships a lot,

我对关系思考了很多，

and something that comes up a lot in my work

我工作中会出现一种东西

is this belief that relationships are hard.

就是认为关系是艰难的。

And we believe that due to one primary reason:

并且我们相信由于一个主要原因：

our metric of success is based on what we've seen everyone else do.

我们成功的金字塔是 建立在我们看到别人做了什么。

Imagine how you would honestly feel

如果你听到关于下面这对情侣的故事

if you heard the following about another couple.

想一下你真实的感受，

OK, I said honestly.

是的，我要真实的感受。

OK?

好吗？

"I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore."

“我听说他们甚至不睡在同一张床上。”

"They claim they never want to get married."

“他们声称他们从未想过结婚。”

"I don't think they ever plan to live together."

“我不认为他们计划过一起生活。”

Would you think to yourself "it sounds like they have some serious issues?"

你会觉得“听起来 他们关系出现了严重的问题吗？”

If we're honest, a lot of us would.

如果我们诚实的话， 我们中很多人会这么想。

And it's not because we're not open-minded,

这并不是因为我们思想不开放。

but we've been taught that these are warning signs

而是我们被教育说这些都是

for a relationship in trouble.

关系危在旦夕的警示讯号。

And while they can be for a lot of people, that is not always the case.

尽管这可能是很多人的认知， 但事实却不是这样。

Relationship experts have found

关系专家发现，

that one of the primary obstacles that couples face

情侣们面临的主要障碍之一

are their own expectations.

是他们的期望。

When we compare ourselves to societal norms,

当我们把自己和社会规范做比较，

we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner,

我们会对我们的伴侣生出一种不满的感觉，

as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short.

也会因为无法达成目标而生出一种愧疚感。

Now, before we really get into this,

现在，在我们正式谈论这个之前，

I have to say that some of us have to reckon with the fact

我必须说我们其中的一些人 必须赞同这个事实，

that we may be with the wrong person.

那就是我们可能没找到对的人。

And that will be clear

这个事实会很清晰，

if your deepest desire

如果你最深层的渴望

is that your partner change fundamental aspects of who they are.

是需要的你伴侣改变最初的自己，

You really want them to be a different person.

你真的想要他们变成一个不一样的人。

But if you're confident that you're with the right person

但如果你坚信你是和对的人在一起。

and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied,

并且你只是仍然感到失望和不满意，

we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships

我们可能发现放下我们 关于良好关系一切的设想，

is the key to actually having one.

是真正拥有一个良好关系的关键。

I work with couples every day, and I help them through relational crises.

我每天的工作都和情侣在一起， 我帮助他们解决关系危机。

I remember I was working with an engaged couple for about a year,

我记得我处理一对订婚的情侣一整年，

and when they first came to me, they said, "We're 95 percent good.

他们最开始到我这时， 他们说：“我们95%都是很好的，

We just want to address the five percent."

我们只想解决那5%不好的部分。”

And I hear something to this effect often when I first meet a couple.

当我初见一对情侣时， 我经常听到他们这么说。

It turns out that five percent was more like 75 percent and increasing.

事实证明，那5%更像是75%， 并且在不断增长。

They were struggling to make a blended family work.

他们正努力处理一个混合式的家庭事务。

One partner had kids,

其中一人有孩子，

the other one had never lived with kids before,

另一人从来没和孩子一起生活过。

and they moved in together

然后他们搬到了一起，

after only knowing each other for three months.

仅仅在相互了解对方3个月后。

(Laughter)

（笑）

One time I went on vacation, and by the time I got back,

有一次我去度假了，等我回来，

they'd called off their wedding.

他们已经取消了他们的婚礼。

But why?

但是为什么呢？

Their love was, honestly, it was evident,

他们的爱，老实说，很明显，

and they were not cruel to each other.

而且他们对彼此并不冷漠。

Their issue was figuring out

他们的问题是正在弄清楚

how to continue building their romantic relationship

如何继续建立他们的浪漫关系，

while also figuring out how to raise teenagers,

同时也正在弄清楚如何养育孩子，

who, to be honest,

这些孩子，说实话，

already had two very involved parents,

已经有2个非常关注他们成长的家长，

they weren't really in need of a third.

他们不太需要第三个家长。

After a particularly big blow up over chores and responsibilities,

在一次剧烈的关于 家庭杂务和责任的争吵后，

I finally asked a dangerous question.

我最终问出一个危险的问题，

I said, "Do you think that living together

我说，“你们认为住在一起

has hurt or helped your relationship more?"

对你们的关系，是伤害还是帮助？“

We took a few weeks to explore that question,

我们花了几周时间探索这个问题，

and they decided to test it out.

他们决定测试下。

They got a short-term lease on an apartment nearby

他们为没有孩子的那位

for the partner who didn't have kids.

短租了附近的一间公寓。

And we were really strategic.

并且我们真的非常有策略。

We made a contract.

我们签了个协议。

Let's talk about dates.

包括日期，

Let's talk about expectations while you guys are living separately.

包括当他们分开住时的期望，

And by the time they came back to me,

而当他们回来找我时，

I'd never seen them communicate so well.

我从没见过他们能沟通得如此之好。

They said that they were looking forward

他们说他们非常期待

to every weekend that they got to spend together.

能呆在一起的每个周末。

It felt like a vacation

共度的周末就像是假期，

because they would spend the entire week planning their time together

因为他们会花一整周的时间 来计划在一起时做什么，

and savoring every moment they had together.

以及享受在一起的每个时刻。

They also found that their individual relationships with the kids

他们也发现他们自己和孩子的关系

drastically improved,

有了惊人的改善，

without the pressure of trying to transition them

没有了试着转变到

into an entirely new household dynamic,

一整个新的家庭关系的压力，

especially when they only had a couple years left in the house.

特别是当他们只有几年的时间呆在一起。

So at this point, some of you may be asking yourselves,

因此这时，你们中有些人可能会问自己，

"What kind of couples therapist recommends that couples live apart?"

“什么样的夫妻治疗师 会建议伴侣分开生活？”

(Laughter)

（笑）

That's a fair question.

这是个很合理的问题。

And to be honest, for a majority of my clients,

并且老实说，对我的大部分客户来说，

this solution would not work.

这个解决方案并不可行。

And that is the point.

这就是关键所在。

When we're thinking about our relationships,

当我们思考我们的关系时，

we have to avoid focusing on what is normal.

我们必须避免关注什么是标准的。

There's no such thing as normal

并没有一个标准，

when we're talking about two unique individuals

当我们谈论两个不同的个体

with their own backgrounds and their own values.

和他们自己的背景 以及自己的价值观的时候。

For this particular couple,

对于这一对特殊的情侣来说，

they had to figure out a way to separate their romantic relationship

他们必须找到个方法

from what really boiled down to roommate issues.

把他们的浪漫关系 从同居室友问题中分离开来。

And they had a circumstance that supported the option to live apart.

他们恰巧遇到个机会能让他们分开。

One conflict that comes up a lot in my work

我工作中经常遇到的一个冲突

is the difference in values between arriving on time

是准时抵达和

and arriving looking and feeling your best.

和抵达时看起来和感觉都很好的差异，

Neither one is wrong.

两者都没有错。

But I had a great model for this with my parents.

但我和我父母就是极好的案例。

When I was growing up,

在我小时候，

we drove absolutely everywhere separately.

我们去每一个地方都是分开地。

Everywhere.

每一个地方。

You know, if you're going to be a little bit late,

你知道，如果你晚到了一点，

you would ride with my mom

你会和我妈妈一起，

and if you’re arriving on time, you’d go with my dad.

如果你准时到，你会和我爸爸一起。

They had two minivans for only two kids.

他们有2辆小型货车， 只能容纳两个孩子。

OK.

好了。

We didn't go anywhere together.

我们没有一起去每一个地方。

And one time when I was about 12 years old,

我12岁时，有一次

one of my closest friends finally worked up the courage to ask me about it.

我最亲密的朋友之一 终于鼓起勇气问我这件事。

And I could tell she was so nervous.

我可以说她非常地紧张。

Like I was about to reveal to her that my parents were secretly separated,

就好像我会向她揭示出 我父母悄悄地分开了一样，

and she just figured it out.

以及她发现了这个“真相”。

You know, now that I think about it, I bet her mom put her up to this.

你知道，现在我想到这件事， 我打赌是她妈妈让她这么问的。

(Laughter)

（笑）

What's interesting is that her parents did go on to get divorced,

有趣的是她父母确实后面离婚了，

and my parents stayed together for 23 years before my mom passed away.

而我的父母在我妈妈 去世前一直在一起了23年。

Now do I think that’s due to them commuting separately?

现在我会认为是因为他们分开走吗？

Of course not.

当然不是。

But I think it shows us two things.

但认为这告诉我们两件事。

First, it shows us that any deviation from the norm

第一，这告诉我们任何脱离常理的事

can be met with curiosity and even judgment.

可能会被打听或者甚至被评判。

It also shows us that sometimes,

这也告诉我们有时候，

when we decide to do things a little differently,

当我们决定做一些有点不同的事时，

we can avoid the difference

我们可以避免差异，

between having a really challenging day as a couple

要么是一对情侣度过有挑战的一天，

or a smooth day, by simply accepting our differences not as a couple,

或者是简单接受我们的不同， 不是一对情侣，

but as individuals.

而是两个个体。

Instead of trying to change our partners,

不再是试着改变我们的伴侣，

what if we instead embraced their differences,

而是我们拥抱彼此的不同，

our difference in values,

拥抱我们价值观的不同，

and release the pressure of doing what everyone else is doing?

释放掉两个人必须做同一件事的压力。

It's OK to be a stay-at-home dad.

做一名家庭主夫是可以的。

It's OK if you prefer to travel without each other.

如果你不和另一半一起去旅行是可以的。

It's OK if you need to have your own bedrooms

你有自己的卧室

so you can maintain personal space and be sane for each other.

这样你就能保持住私人空间， 理智地对待另一半是可以的。

It's OK if you want to break tradition and create a new last name.

如果你想要打破传统， 创造一个新的姓氏是可以的。

It's OK if you want to share your love on social media,

如果你想在社交媒体上 分享你的爱情是可以的。

but it's also OK if you want to protect it from public opinion.

如果你想保护自己的爱情 使之远离公众观点也是可以的。

It's OK if you're in a season of life where you both just cannot prioritize sex.

如果你们正处在人生的某个阶段， 都不想把性放首位是可以的。

It's OK if people are confused about your relationship.

人们对你们的关系感到困惑是可以的。

It was never theirs to understand in the first place.

他们从一开始就不需要理解。

(Applause)

（掌声）

If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard,

如果我们继续接受关系很难维系的叙事，

then we'll continue to do nothing about it.

那我们什么也做不了。

If our relationships feel hard,

如果我们的关系感到艰难，

I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it.

我鼓励大家思考难在哪里。

Is it really the relationship

确实是这段关系吗，

or is it external factors

还是其他外在因素，

like our own personal trauma histories

比如我们自己的创伤史

or work stress?

或者工作压力？

If it really is your relationship,

如果确实是你们的关系，

let's really think about what you and your partner

那就真的要想想你和你的伴侣

are willing to do differently to enjoy it again.

是否愿意做出改变来重新享受这段关系。

I want us to reject everything we've ever known about relationships,

我想要我们拒绝 我们所知道的关于关系的任何事，

and challenge ourselves to create a relationship

挑战我们自己，去创造一段关系，

that not only defies expectations

不仅仅是明确期望，

but honors the peculiarities that make us, us.

也要珍视让我们成为我们的独特之处。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Applause)

（掌声）