Your Relationship Expectations Could Be Holding You Back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile | TED

I’m a couples therapist and an absolute romance fiend.

I'm talking about everything from "The Notebook" to "Twilight"

to a show some of you may remember called "The Flavor of Love."

(Laughter)

It's a reality competition show

where the prize was the love of Flavor Flav.

(Laughter)

I think about relationships a lot,

and something that comes up a lot in my work

is this belief that relationships are hard.

And we believe that due to one primary reason:

our metric of success is based on what we've seen everyone else do.

Imagine how you would honestly feel

if you heard the following about another couple.

OK, I said honestly.

OK?

"I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore."

"They claim they never want to get married."

"I don't think they ever plan to live together."

Would you think to yourself "it sounds like they have some serious issues?"

If we're honest, a lot of us would.

And it's not because we're not open-minded,

but we've been taught that these are warning signs

for a relationship in trouble.

And while they can be for a lot of people, that is not always the case.

Relationship experts have found

that one of the primary obstacles that couples face

are their own expectations.

When we compare ourselves to societal norms,

we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner,

as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short.

Now, before we really get into this,

I have to say that some of us have to reckon with the fact

that we may be with the wrong person.

And that will be clear

if your deepest desire

is that your partner change fundamental aspects of who they are.

You really want them to be a different person.

But if you're confident that you're with the right person

and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied,

we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships

is the key to actually having one.

I work with couples every day, and I help them through relational crises.

I remember I was working with an engaged couple for about a year,

and when they first came to me, they said, "We're 95 percent good.

We just want to address the five percent."

And I hear something to this effect often when I first meet a couple.

It turns out that five percent was more like 75 percent and increasing.

They were struggling to make a blended family work.

One partner had kids,

the other one had never lived with kids before,

and they moved in together

after only knowing each other for three months.

(Laughter)

One time I went on vacation, and by the time I got back,

they'd called off their wedding.

But why?

Their love was, honestly, it was evident,

and they were not cruel to each other.

Their issue was figuring out

how to continue building their romantic relationship

while also figuring out how to raise teenagers,

who, to be honest,

already had two very involved parents,

they weren't really in need of a third.

After a particularly big blow up over chores and responsibilities,

I finally asked a dangerous question.

I said, "Do you think that living together

has hurt or helped your relationship more?"

We took a few weeks to explore that question,

and they decided to test it out.

They got a short-term lease on an apartment nearby

for the partner who didn't have kids.

And we were really strategic.

We made a contract.

Let's talk about dates.

Let's talk about expectations while you guys are living separately.

And by the time they came back to me,

I'd never seen them communicate so well.

They said that they were looking forward

to every weekend that they got to spend together.

It felt like a vacation

because they would spend the entire week planning their time together

and savoring every moment they had together.

They also found that their individual relationships with the kids

drastically improved,

without the pressure of trying to transition them

into an entirely new household dynamic,

especially when they only had a couple years left in the house.

So at this point, some of you may be asking yourselves,

"What kind of couples therapist recommends that couples live apart?"

(Laughter)

That's a fair question.

And to be honest, for a majority of my clients,

this solution would not work.

And that is the point.

When we're thinking about our relationships,

we have to avoid focusing on what is normal.

There's no such thing as normal

when we're talking about two unique individuals

with their own backgrounds and their own values.

For this particular couple,

they had to figure out a way to separate their romantic relationship

from what really boiled down to roommate issues.

And they had a circumstance that supported the option to live apart.

One conflict that comes up a lot in my work

is the difference in values between arriving on time

and arriving looking and feeling your best.

Neither one is wrong.

But I had a great model for this with my parents.

When I was growing up,

we drove absolutely everywhere separately.

Everywhere.

You know, if you're going to be a little bit late,

you would ride with my mom

and if you’re arriving on time, you’d go with my dad.

They had two minivans for only two kids.

OK.

We didn't go anywhere together.

And one time when I was about 12 years old,

one of my closest friends finally worked up the courage to ask me about it.

And I could tell she was so nervous.

Like I was about to reveal to her that my parents were secretly separated,

and she just figured it out.

You know, now that I think about it, I bet her mom put her up to this.

(Laughter)

What's interesting is that her parents did go on to get divorced,

and my parents stayed together for 23 years before my mom passed away.

Now do I think that’s due to them commuting separately?

Of course not.

But I think it shows us two things.

First, it shows us that any deviation from the norm

can be met with curiosity and even judgment.

It also shows us that sometimes,

when we decide to do things a little differently,

we can avoid the difference

between having a really challenging day as a couple

or a smooth day, by simply accepting our differences not as a couple,

but as individuals.

Instead of trying to change our partners,

what if we instead embraced their differences,

our difference in values,

and release the pressure of doing what everyone else is doing?

It's OK to be a stay-at-home dad.

It's OK if you prefer to travel without each other.

It's OK if you need to have your own bedrooms

so you can maintain personal space and be sane for each other.

It's OK if you want to break tradition and create a new last name.

It's OK if you want to share your love on social media,

but it's also OK if you want to protect it from public opinion.

It's OK if you're in a season of life where you both just cannot prioritize sex.

It's OK if people are confused about your relationship.

It was never theirs to understand in the first place.

(Applause)

If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard,

then we'll continue to do nothing about it.

If our relationships feel hard,

I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it.

Is it really the relationship

or is it external factors

like our own personal trauma histories

or work stress?

If it really is your relationship,

let's really think about what you and your partner

are willing to do differently to enjoy it again.

I want us to reject everything we've ever known about relationships,

and challenge ourselves to create a relationship

that not only defies expectations

but honors the peculiarities that make us, us.

Thank you.

(Applause)