Your Relationship Expectations Could Be Holding You Back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: SF Huang

I’m a couples therapist and an absolute romance fiend.

我是伴侶諮商師， 也是徹頭徹尾的浪漫迷。

I'm talking about everything from "The Notebook" to "Twilight"

浪漫的我都愛，從《手札情緣》，

到《暮光之城》，

to a show some of you may remember called "The Flavor of Love."

到一個叫《愛的風味》的節目， 有人可能還記得。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's a reality competition show

它是個實境比賽節目， 獎品是得到弗拉福 ‧ 弗雷的愛。

where the prize was the love of Flavor Flav.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I think about relationships a lot,

我常在思考「關係」，

and something that comes up a lot in my work

在我的工作中，常常會遇到

is this belief that relationships are hard.

認為「關係經營很困難」的信念。

And we believe that due to one primary reason:

我們會如此相信， 背後有一個主要的理由：

our metric of success is based on what we've seen everyone else do.

我們衡量成功的標準， 是基於一般世俗所認為的標準。

Imagine how you would honestly feel

想像一下，如果你聽到以下關於 這對夫妻的說法你會有什麼感覺。

if you heard the following about another couple.

OK, I said honestly.

我是指真正的感覺，好嗎？

OK?

「我聽說他們甚至不同床共眠了。」

"I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore."

"They claim they never want to get married."

「他們聲稱他們從來就不想結婚。」

"I don't think they ever plan to live together."

「我不認為他們有計畫過 要生活在一起。」

Would you think to yourself "it sounds like they have some serious issues?"

各位心裡是否會想「聽起來 他們似乎有很嚴重的問題」？

老實說，很多人會這樣想。

If we're honest, a lot of us would.

And it's not because we're not open-minded,

且並不是因為

我們的心態不夠開放，而是因為 我們學到的是這些都是警訊，

but we've been taught that these are warning signs

for a relationship in trouble.

表示關係出問題了。

And while they can be for a lot of people, that is not always the case.

雖然對很多人而言是真的出了問題， 但也有不是的情況。

Relationship experts have found

關係專家發現

that one of the primary obstacles that couples face

伴侶面臨的主要障礙之一

are their own expectations.

是他們自己的期望。

When we compare ourselves to societal norms,

當我們把自己和社會規範做比較時，

we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner,

我們可能會對我們的另一半 產生不滿的情緒，

as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short.

同時也對自己的不足而感到羞愧。

Now, before we really get into this,

在我們深入談這個議題之前，

I have to say that some of us have to reckon with the fact

我必須要說，我們當中 有些人必須要面對一個事實：

that we may be with the wrong person.

我們可能和不對的人在一起。

And that will be clear

如果你最深的願望，是希望你的另一半

if your deepest desire

is that your partner change fundamental aspects of who they are.

從本質上徹底地做出改變， 那就再清楚不過了。

You really want them to be a different person.

你真心希望他們變成一個不同的人。

But if you're confident that you're with the right person

但如果你很肯定 你是和對的人在一起，

and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied,

而你仍然會覺得很挫折和不滿，

we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships

我們可能會發現，把所謂 良好關係的刻板印象拋諸腦後，

is the key to actually having one.

才是擁有良好關係的關鍵。

I work with couples every day, and I help them through relational crises.

我的工作每天都會接觸伴侶， 我協助他們渡過關係危機。

I remember I was working with an engaged couple for about a year,

有一對訂婚的伴侶曾來 找我諮商了大約一年，

and when they first came to me, they said, "We're 95 percent good.

他們初次來找我時，說： 「我們的關係有 95% 是好的，

We just want to address the five percent."

我們只是想處理那 5%。」

And I hear something to this effect often when I first meet a couple.

我和伴侶初次見面時 常常會聽到這樣的話。

It turns out that five percent was more like 75 percent and increasing.

結果那 5% 其實都比較 接近 75% 且還在增加中。

They were struggling to make a blended family work.

他們很努力經營 重組家庭，但很辛苦。

One partner had kids,

一方有孩子，

the other one had never lived with kids before,

另一方從來沒有和孩子共同生活過，

and they moved in together

而他們才相識三個月就開始同居了。

after only knowing each other for three months.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

One time I went on vacation, and by the time I got back,

有次我去度假，等我回來時，

they'd called off their wedding.

他們已經取消他們的婚禮了。

But why?

但，為什麼？老實說， 他們的愛是顯而易見的。

Their love was, honestly, it was evident,

and they were not cruel to each other.

他們對彼此也不會刻毒。

Their issue was figuring out

他們的問題在於要想辦法持續經營

how to continue building their romantic relationship

他們的愛情關係，

while also figuring out how to raise teenagers,

同時也要想辦法養育十幾歲的孩子，

who, to be honest,

坦白說，這些孩子本來就有 兩位非常投入的父母了，

already had two very involved parents,

they weren't really in need of a third.

其實並不需要第三位。

After a particularly big blow up over chores and responsibilities,

在一次因為家事及責任分配 引發的大吵之後，

I finally asked a dangerous question.

我終於問出了一個危險的問題：

I said, "Do you think that living together

我說：「你們認為住在一起

has hurt or helped your relationship more?"

對你們的關係是有助益 還是有反效果？」

We took a few weeks to explore that question,

我們花了幾週的時間探討 那個問題，他們決定用測試的。

and they decided to test it out.

They got a short-term lease on an apartment nearby

他們在附近租了一間短期公寓，

for the partner who didn't have kids.

讓沒有孩子的那一方去住。

And we were really strategic.

我們採取非常策略性的 做法，我們訂了合約。

We made a contract.

Let's talk about dates.

讓我們來談談日期、 談談分居時的期望。

Let's talk about expectations while you guys are living separately.

And by the time they came back to me,

等到他們回來找我時，

I'd never seen them communicate so well.

我從來沒有見過 他們溝通得這麼好過。

They said that they were looking forward

他們說他們很期待每個週末的 相聚時間，感覺就像度假，

to every weekend that they got to spend together.

It felt like a vacation

because they would spend the entire week planning their time together

因為他們會花一整週的時間 計畫相聚時要做什麼，

and savoring every moment they had together.

並好好品嚐他們相聚的每一刻。

They also found that their individual relationships with the kids

他們也發現他們個人和孩子的關係

drastically improved,

大大改善了，

without the pressure of trying to transition them

因為沒有要迫使孩子 融入全新家庭模式的壓力，

into an entirely new household dynamic,

especially when they only had a couple years left in the house.

尤其是孩子大了， 只會在家中再待幾年。

So at this point, some of you may be asking yourselves,

所以，此時，在座 有些人可能在心裡問：

"What kind of couples therapist recommends that couples live apart?"

「什麼樣的伴侶諮商師 會建議伴侶分開住啊？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

That's a fair question.

會這樣問是合情合理，且老實說，

And to be honest, for a majority of my clients,

這個解決方案對我 大部分的客戶都行不通。

this solution would not work.

And that is the point.

那就是重點。

When we're thinking about our relationships,

當我們在思考我們的關係時，我們 得避免一直去想什麼才是正常的。

we have to avoid focusing on what is normal.

There's no such thing as normal

沒有什麼是正常的，

when we're talking about two unique individuals

因為我們在談的 是兩個獨一無二的個體，

with their own backgrounds and their own values.

各有自己的背景和自己的價值觀。

For this particular couple,

針對這一對伴侶，

they had to figure out a way to separate their romantic relationship

他們得想辦法去區別出， 到底是他們的愛情關係出問題，

或其實只是室友間磨合的問題。

from what really boiled down to roommate issues.

And they had a circumstance that supported the option to live apart.

而他們的情況允許分居的選項。

One conflict that comes up a lot in my work

我工作上常會見到的一種衝突

is the difference in values between arriving on time

就是「準時到達」 和「以最佳狀態到達」

and arriving looking and feeling your best.

之間的價值觀差異。

Neither one is wrong.

兩者都沒錯。

But I had a great model for this with my parents.

但我在我父母身上 看到一個很好的榜樣。

When I was growing up,

我成長過程中，

we drove absolutely everywhere separately.

我們到哪裡都是分別開車前往的。

Everywhere.

到哪裡都是。

You know, if you're going to be a little bit late,

如果你要晚一點到，

you would ride with my mom

就搭我媽的車，如果要準時抵達，

and if you’re arriving on time, you’d go with my dad.

就搭我爸的車。

They had two minivans for only two kids.

才兩個孩子，他們 就需要兩台休旅車。

OK.

好。

We didn't go anywhere together.

我們到哪裡都不是一起去的。

And one time when I was about 12 years old,

有一回，我大約十二歲時， 我最要好的朋友之一

one of my closest friends finally worked up the courage to ask me about it.

終於鼓起勇氣問我這件事。

And I could tell she was so nervous.

我看得出來她很緊張，就好像

Like I was about to reveal to her that my parents were secretly separated,

我即將向她揭露，我父母 其實已經祕密分居了，

and she just figured it out.

但她已經自己猜到了。

You know, now that I think about it, I bet her mom put her up to this.

現在回想起來，我敢說 是她媽媽叫她來問我的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

What's interesting is that her parents did go on to get divorced,

有趣的是，後來 反而是她的父母離婚了，

and my parents stayed together for 23 years before my mom passed away.

而我的父母相守了二十三年， 直到我媽媽過世。

Now do I think that’s due to them commuting separately?

我認為原因是因為他們分開通勤嗎？

Of course not.

當然不是。

But I think it shows us two things.

但我認為這個故事告訴我們兩點：

First, it shows us that any deviation from the norm

第一，它告訴我們， 任何偏離常規的行為

都可能會引來好奇，甚至評斷。

can be met with curiosity and even judgment.

It also shows us that sometimes,

它也告訴我們，有時，當我們 決定用有點不同的方式做事，

when we decide to do things a little differently,

we can avoid the difference

我們可以避免

伴侶之間很難熬的一天，

between having a really challenging day as a couple

or a smooth day, by simply accepting our differences not as a couple,

把它變成順利的一天， 要做的就只是接受

從個人角度大家都有差異， 別用伴侶的角度來看。

but as individuals.

別試圖改變我們的另一半，

Instead of trying to change our partners,

what if we instead embraced their differences,

如果我們能改成擁抱

他們的不同點、 我們價值觀上的差異，

our difference in values,

and release the pressure of doing what everyone else is doing?

從跟隨主流的壓力中解放出來，如何？

It's OK to be a stay-at-home dad.

當家庭主夫也沒關係。

It's OK if you prefer to travel without each other.

如果你們偏好去旅行時 不要彼此同行，也沒關係，

It's OK if you need to have your own bedrooms

如果你們需要各自的臥室 來保有個人空間

so you can maintain personal space and be sane for each other.

並理智地和彼此相處，也沒關係。

It's OK if you want to break tradition and create a new last name.

如果你想要打破傳統， 取個新的姓氏，也沒關係。

It's OK if you want to share your love on social media,

如果你想要在社群媒體上 分享你的愛情，也沒關係；

but it's also OK if you want to protect it from public opinion.

但如果你想要保護隱私， 不要被大眾評論，也沒關係。

It's OK if you're in a season of life where you both just cannot prioritize sex.

如果你們處在人生中無法把性愛 擺在優先的時期，也沒關係。

It's OK if people are confused about your relationship.

如果別人對你們的關係 感到困惑，也沒關係。

It was never theirs to understand in the first place.

本來就不是為了要讓他們 理解才建立關係的。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard,

如果我們持續接受 「關係經營很困難」的說法，

then we'll continue to do nothing about it.

那我們就會繼續無所作為。

If our relationships feel hard,

如果覺得我們的關係 經營起來很困難，

I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it.

我鼓勵我們去反思， 困難之處在哪裡？

Is it really the relationship

真的是關係本身的問題？

or is it external factors

還是外部的因素，比如 我們個人自己過去的創傷，

like our own personal trauma histories

or work stress?

或者工作壓力？

If it really is your relationship,

如果問題真的在你們的關係本身，

let's really think about what you and your partner

讓我們好好想想你和你的另一半

are willing to do differently to enjoy it again.

願意做什麼改變 來再次享受你們的關係。

I want us to reject everything we've ever known about relationships,

我希望我們能丟棄 我們對關係所知的一切，

and challenge ourselves to create a relationship

並挑戰自己去把關係打造成

that not only defies expectations

不僅僅違抗期望，

but honors the peculiarities that make us, us.

還能尊重我們個人的獨有特質。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）