The Problem With Being “Too Nice” at Work | Tessa West | TED

翻译人员: Eric Ma 校对人员: Bruce Wang

So why is it the case

为什么

that when we are feeling the most anxious, uncomfortable,

当我们感到最焦虑、最不舒服、 社交中最尴尬的时候，

socially awkward versions of ourselves,

when our hearts are pounding and our palms are sweating

当我们的心跳加速， 手掌冒汗的时候，

and we feel like crawling out of our skin,

我们会感到浑身起鸡皮疙瘩。

are we also the most nice and often generic to the people around us?

对于我们身边的人来说， 我们是最友善、最普通的人吗？

I'm a social psychologist,

我是一名社会心理学家，

and I've been studying the science of uncomfortable social interactions

我研究不舒服的社交互动科学

for over 20 years.

已有20多年了。

So everything from new roommate relationships,

因此，从新的室友关系、

negotiations,

谈判、

upward feedback with your boss to doctor patient-interactions,

向上反馈、到医生与患者的互动，

those moments where you need to break in and say,

那些你需要打断并说：

"Yeah, for the last 20 minutes,

“是的，在过去的20分钟里，

I actually have no idea what you were talking about.

我其实不知道 你在说什么。

Can we maybe rewind a bit?"

我们可以把话题 往回拉一拉吗？”

And to study these things,

为了研究这些东西，

I look at three main outcomes.

我着眼于三个主要成果。

First, I look at what people say, the things we can control,

首先，我看看人们在说什么， 我们可以控制什么，

how friendly we are,

我们有多友好，

how much we complement one another,

我们在哪方面可以互补，

how much we give gracious feedback.

我们给出了多少亲切的反馈。

Second, I look at the things that are tougher for us to control,

其次，我看那些 更难控制的东西：

our nonverbal behaviors, things like fidgeting,

我们的非语言行为， 比如坐立不安，

avoiding eye contact, playing with our hair,

避免眼神交流， 玩弄头发，

doodling even,

还有乱涂乱画，

even our tone of voice.

甚至是我们的语气。

And then I look at the things that are impossible for us to control

然后我来看看那些 我们无法控制的事情

our under-the-skin responses,

自己的心理反应、

our physiology, our cardiovascular reactivity,

生理反应、 心血管反应，

things like blood pressure, heart rate,

比如血压、心率

these types of things

等等，

that we often don't even really realize that we're feeling.

这些我们通常 都没有意识到我们的反应。

And the way I do this is by having people come into the lab

我的方法是 让人们进入实验室，

and interact with each other in a bunch of different settings,

在一系列不同的环境中互动，

and I have them negotiate with each other,

然后我让他们相互交流，

I have them get acquainted with each other.

让他们认识对方。

And often it's the case that in these interactions,

通常，在这些互动中，

people are required to give some form of feedback to their partner.

他们需要向同伴 提供某种形式的反馈，

Tell them honestly what they're thinking or feeling,

诚实地告诉他们， 他们在想什么或感受如何

come in with an offer for a negotiation,

相互交流，提出建议，

tell them what they could have done better next time.

告诉他们下次 可以如何做得更好。

And I think we all kind of know what it feels like

我想我们大概能知道

to be in one of these studies.

参与其中一项研究的感受。

You might not know what it would really feel like to be in one of my studies.

你可能不知道参加我的 一项研究到底是什么感受。

There's a lot of equipment involved,

实验中有很多设备，

but we plug people up to all of these things

我们会让他们 插上所有设备，

to measure these under-the-skin responses.

来测量这些心理反应。

We videotape them to capture those behaviors that I just mentioned.

我们对他们进行录像，以捕捉 我刚才提到的那些行为。

Now, to get us all into this mindset of what it's like to feel awkward,

现在，让我们都 进入感到尴尬的状态，

but maybe potentially a little bit nice,

但这可能没实际感受的会好点，

I want you all to think

我想让大家想一想，

about what was the last awkward interaction that you had.

你上一次感到尴尬 的互动是什么。

OK, so keep this thought in your mind.

好，请记住这个感觉。

You can think about it for a few moments,

你可以先稍微想一想，

because in a couple minutes,

因为再过几分钟，

I'm actually going to randomly call on someone based on your seat

我会根据你们的座位， 随机点一个人，

to have you come up

请你上来

and share your story of what that moment felt like.

分享那一刻的感受。

So before we do that,

因此，在我们做这些之前，

I just want you all to kind of get a sense of the typical pattern that we see

我想让大家看一下 各种的典型行为，

when people are engaging in these interactions.

当人们参与这些互动时。

So we bring them into the lab,

因此，我把他们带到实验室，

we hook them up to all this equipment

把设备全都连接到他们身上，

and within moments, within the first 20 seconds,

不久之后， 在刚开始的20秒里，

we start to see those stress responses that I mentioned.

我们开始看到 我提到的压力反应。

Their heart rate goes up, their blood pressure increases.

他们的心率上升， 血压升高。

It doesn't take much to get people to start to feel anxious.

不久， 人们就开始感到焦虑。

Next, we see it in those nonverbal behaviors.

接下来，我们看看 非语言行为。

They start to fidget,

他们开始坐立不安，

they avoid eye contact,

避免眼神交流，

they pull their chair a couple inches away

把凳子拉开几厘米，

from the person who's sitting next to them,

与坐在旁边的人 拉开距离，

in an effort just to get a little bit more distance.

想要与身边的人保持距离。

One of my favorite findings is in doctor-patient interactions,

我最喜欢的发现之一 是医患互动，

uncomfortable doctors,

医生感到不舒服的时候，

they look down at the chart more,

会频繁地往下看图表，

or they look more at the computer screen

或者看电脑屏幕，

instead of making eye contact with those patients.

而不是与患者进行眼神交流。

So let's all return to your awkward moment.

因此，让我们回到 您的尴尬时刻。

Does everyone have an awkward moment in mind or thinking about one?

每个人都有尴尬的时刻或 想到一个尴尬的时刻吗？

How many of you have increases in your heart rate,

你们当中有多少人 心率加快，

maybe your palms are sweating?

你的手心是否出汗了？

You can start to feel yourself getting a little tingly

光是想到今天 会被叫上台来，

just with the mere thought of being called upon today?

就能开始感觉 有点不安？

Hey, a few of you.

嘿，这几位朋友，

How many people would actually be excited about that opportunity?

有多少人会对 这个机会感到兴奋？

Not -- OK, same people.

不是 — 好吧，同样的人。

(Laughter)

【笑声】

How many of you, if I did call on you, would walk up here,

如果我叫你上台， 有多少人会走上来，

you would grin through gritted teeth like this

你可能会咬紧牙关， 勉强微笑，

and you would do it even though you secretly hated me the whole time?

心里暗暗地咒骂我， 一边走上台来配合我。

A few of you.

这边这几位朋友，

Don't worry, I'm not going to actually do this.

别担心，我实际上 不会这样做。

This was all just a ruse to teach you a lesson

这只是一个玩笑， 让你们感觉到，

which is, in uncomfortable social interactions,

在不舒服的社交中，

we often don't have a social script of what to do.

我们没有社交剧本 告诉我们要做什么。

Instead of telling people what we really think, what we really feel,

我们不会告诉别人 我们的真实想法和真实感受，

we do the nice thing that makes us incredibly uncomfortable.

我们会做让别人觉得舒服的事情， 尽管这件事会让我们特别不舒服。

Now one of my favorite findings illustrating this effect

现在，我一个最喜欢的发现 说明了这种影响，

is in the context of negotiations.

这个发现发生在谈判的时候。

I went to a major firm and I brought people together

我去到了一家大公司， 把习惯于在工作中合作的人

who were used to working with one another,

聚集在一起，

and we had them engage in a negotiation.

我们让他们参与谈判。

And at the end of it,

最后，

there was a winner and there was a loser.

产生了赢家和输家。

So we said to the winner,

我们对获胜者说，

you know, this is really a study about feedback.

这实际上是一项 关于反馈的研究。

And what we would like you to do is give some constructive feedback

而我们希望你 提供一些建设性的反馈

to the person who just lost.

给刚刚输掉的人。

What are some things that they could do better next time?

在哪些方面 他们下次能做得更好？

What are some potential missteps?

有哪些潜在的失误？

How many of you think that that's what they actually did,

你们当中有多少人 认为他们实际上是这么做的，

they really followed our instructions?

他们是否 真的听从了我们的建议？

OK, nobody.

好吧，没有一个人。

[You] can see where this is going.

你可以看到这是怎么回事。

What we found is that even when we're talking to someone

我们发现，即使我们与刚刚

who just lost a negotiation to us, we tend to bend over backwards.

在谈判中输给我们的人交谈， 我们用尽全力。

We say things like,

我们会这样说：

"The way you made that really early offer and didn't even ask for a counter,

“你很早就提出了报价， 甚至没有找柜台，

that was amazing."

这太神奇了。”

Or "It was so great how you didn't even ask me anything about my side,

或者 “你甚至没有问我 任何关于我这边的问题，

or what I was willing to kind of, you know,

或者“我愿意做什么

change on or be flexible on."

改变或保持灵活态度。”

People layered on the compliments

人们对刚刚在谈判中被击败的人

to someone who they just beat in a negotiation,

赞不绝口，

telling them how great they are.

告诉他们他们有多棒。

So often these kinds of interactions

这类互动行为

that take the form of what I’ll call “anxious niceness,”

通常以我所说的 “焦虑友好”的形式出现。

they involve a lot of compliments,

其中涉及到很多赞美，

telling people what they do well in a very general, non-specific way.

用一种非常笼统、非特定的方式 告诉人们他们哪些地方做得很棒。

But a lot of my work actually looks

但是我的很多工作实际上都

at what's it like to be on the receiving end

着眼于成为此类互动

of these types of interactions.

的接收方是什么感觉。

How do you feel when you interact with someone over and over again

当你反复地与一个

who's giving off these kinds of brittle smiles?

发出尖锐笑声的人互动时， 你的感觉如何？

These are typically the kinds of facial expressions

这些通常是我们从他人身上 看到的面部表情，

that we actually see from people, kind of sneering,

比如嘲笑，

a little bit of side eye,

稍微斜着眼睛看人，

you know, arms crossed, these types of things.

双手交叉抱胸等等。

After a lifetime of interacting with someone

在与一个

who engages in anxious niceness,

焦虑友好的人相处一生后，

what we find is that most people on the receiving end

我们发现接收方的大多数人

are racial minorities.

都是少数民族。

They are disadvantaged group members,

他们是弱势群体，

they are the type of people

他们是我们

that we are worried about appearing prejudiced in front of,

担心在他们面前 表现出偏见的人，

and that anxiety is regulated

而这种焦虑

by being over-the-top nice to these folks.

是通过对这些人 过分友善来调节的。

We also find that these individuals tend to be more synchronized to

我们还发现， 比起 “我们说什么” ，

and attentive to the how-we-say-it piece

他们往往更关注

than the what-we-say part.

“我们怎么说”。

So in one study, we had Black and white Americans

因此，在一项研究中， 我们让美国黑人和白人，

interact with each other in a cross-race interaction,

进行跨种族互动，

and we brought them into the lab

我们将他们带到实验室，

and we measured the physiology of both partners.

测量了双方的生理状况。

What this allowed us to do is capture the degree

这样我们就能获得

to which people stress.

他们的压力值。

Those under-the-skin responses can actually be caught by their partners.

这些心理反应 其实可以被他们的同伴察觉。

And what we expected to find

我们想发现，

is that the Black participants would become more synchronized,

黑人参与者在生理上

physiologically, to those whites.

会与白人更加同步。

They'd be more attuned to those, kind of, nonverbal signals of anxiety.

And that's exactly what we found.

而这正是我们发现的。

The more anxious those white participants appeared,

这些白人参与者表现得越焦虑，

the more they fidgeted, the more they avoided eye contact,

越坐立不安， 就越会避免眼神交流，

even the higher their cortisol reactivity,

皮质醇反应就越高，

indicating some real deep, kind of, under-the-skin stress response,

这说明有某种真正的深层 心理压力反应。

the more those Black participants became linked up to them over time.

随着时间的推移，这些黑人 参与者与他们的联系就越多。

And I think this finding is a little bit terrifying.

而且我对这个发现有点担心。

I think it means that we often think of our own stress and our own physiology

我认为这意味着我们经常 将自己的压力和生理

as independent of the people we interact with,

与交往的人之间是独立的，

but our bodies are not always our own,

可实际上我们的身体 并不总是听自己的，

our physiology is not always our own.

我们的生理也不总是听自己的。

And if you spend a lifetime interacting with people who are so nice to you,

而且，如果你一生都在 与对你非常友善的人交往，

in an effort to control their anxiety,

努力控制他们的焦虑，

you could potentially catch that stress.

你可能会承受这种压力。

It could negatively affect your bodies.

它可能对你的身体产生负面影响。

Now often what we find is the type of feedback

现在，我们发现

that people are actually getting

通常人们实际得到的反馈

isn't always super direct.

并不总是非常直接的。

Sometimes it's a little bit patronizing.

有时候需要迎合他人。

So you could probably see where I'm going with this.

现在，你们应该能猜出 我要说什么了。

Having over-the-top positive nice feedback can harm your performance,

过分积极的好反馈 可能会损害你的表现，

it can make it very difficult for you to climb up,

它会让你很难往上爬，

difficult to kind of know where you stand, what you should do better,

很难知道自己现在的位置， 知道应该做什么才更好，

what you should stop doing,

知道你不应该做什么，

but can also damage people in ways that we often don't think about.

但也会以意想不到的方式 伤害别人。

It can affect their reputations outside of the interaction context.

它可能会影响 他们在其他地方的声誉。

So imagine the case that you're one of these people

所以想象一下 你就是这样一个人，

who loves giving this general, nice feedback,

喜欢给出笼统、 友善的反馈，

and you have someone who works for you,

有下属为你工作，

and a recruiter calls, maybe a past employee,

招聘人员， 也可能是老员工

a recruiter calls you,

给你打电话，

or someone asks you for a letter of recommendation,

或者有人想要 你写封推荐信，

the kinds of things you're going to put are going to be like,

你要写的东西可能是：

"They're are real team player."

“和他们的团队合作很棒。”

"They have great energy at work."

“他们在工作中精力充沛。”

Generic things.

这样很笼统的东西。

Yes, they're nice, but they are not very telling

是的，这些话很不错， 但他们不太能

about what that person is really like.

说明那个人到底是什么样的人。

And what we find is that the readers of these things, at best,

我们发现，读信的人

think to themselves,

往好的方面会想：

"Wow, they must not really know this person at all.

“哇，他们一定不认识这个人，

I don't even know what this means."

我甚至不明白这是什么意思。”

At worst, they think to themselves,

往坏的方面会想：

"Well, they probably have some real opinions.

“好吧，他们可能有一些意见。

They're just afraid to share them."

只是害怕分享它们。”

So these kinds of general positive feedback

因此，当没有真实数据支持时，

tend to actually harm people's reputation when they're not backed up with real data.

这些笼统的正面反馈 往往会损害他们的声誉。

So I think we have to then think

因此，我认为我们必须

about what is the solution to this problem.

想想如何解决这个问题。

Is it the case that we should all just be meaner to each other

难道我们都应该对彼此更加刻薄，

in an effort to be more direct?

说话变得更加直接吗？

I don't think that's the case at all.

我认为这不是解决之道。

I think there are some things we can do,

我觉得我们可以做一些事情，

and I'm going to highlight three of them,

我将重点介绍其中的三点，

to improve the degree to which we give clear,

让我们提供更加清晰、

consistent feedback to people,

连续的反馈，

particularly in the workplace.

尤其是在工作当中。

So first we need to ask ourselves the question,

首先我们需要 问自己一个问题，

how many people are on board with this niceness culture, really?

在场有多少人有这种友善文化？

There's a bit of a plural ignorance that goes on

有许多双方无知的情况，

when we think about how nice we are to people at work.

当我们想到自己 对同事有多友善时，

What I've found is that for every one person

我发现 ，每一个

who loves this kind of general, generic, nice feedback,

喜欢这种笼统、 友善反馈的人，

there's another person who feels like it's lazy,

就会有另一个人 觉得这是一个很懒，

who feels like it's not helpful.

很没有用的方式。

And I actually learned this lesson the hard way

实际上，我最近 从我的一个学生那里

from one of my students recently.

学会了这种有点困难的方法。

She was giving a practice talk in my lab,

她正在我的实验室里 做一个演讲练习，

and she spent weeks and weeks preparing it,

她花了好几个星期 的时间准备，

probably harder than anyone else I'd ever seen

可能比我见过的任何

on preparing a talk like this.

努力准备类似演讲的人都要努力。

And then she went and gave it, and she came back and I said,

她去参加后回来，我说：

"How did the talk go? Did it go well?"

“演讲地怎么样？进展顺利吗？”

She said, "It was terrible. It was horrible.

她说：“太糟糕了。太可怕了。

It was the worst experience."

这是我经历过最可怕的事情。”

I said, "Well, what happened?"

我说：“好吧，发生了什么？”

And she said, "All I got were a bunch of 'Great jobs,'

她说：“我得到了一些‘很棒的工作’，

‘That was interesting’

‘很有意思’，

and then some clap emojis from the people on Zoom.

然后Zoom上那些人 发了鼓掌的表情。

Not a single person asked a tough question," she said.

没有人问我难题。”她说。

And I had this moment where I realized

我经历过这样的事情，

that positive feedback can come across as lazy feedback.

我意识到正面反馈 可以看作是懒散的反馈。

It can come across as disengaged feedback.

它可以表现为不参与的反馈。

And so if we want to change this culture,

因此，如果我们想改变这种文化，

we actually need to first do a quick pulse

我们首先需要快速了解

of how many people are actually more interested in doing the tougher,

有多少人对采用更强硬、

constructive forms of this type of feedback.

更具建设性的反馈更感兴趣。

So you might be thinking to yourselves,

因此，你可能会想：

"Alright, I might be on board with this idea of tough,

“好吧，我可能会接受这种强硬

yet honest feedback.

而诚实的反馈的想法。

So what should I do?

我们应该做什么？

Should I go to people and say, ’Alright, do you want me to be ... nice

我应该去找别人说 ：’好吧， 你想让我变得……友善

or honest and useful?'"

还是诚实有用？'”

No, do not do this.

不，不要这样做。

You will, by and large, get a lot of people telling you,

很有可能，你会 让很多人告诉你：

"You know, I actually just want to keep it nice.

“你知道，我只想保持友善。

That just feels a lot more comfortable for me."

这对我来说感觉舒服多了。”

What I learned in my work

我在工作中学到的是，

is that this process I've been talking about,

我一直在谈论的这个过程，

about giving anxious, nice feedback,

即提供焦虑、良好的反馈，

is just as much about the feedback receiver

既关乎反馈接收者，

as it is about the feedback giver.

也关乎反馈提供者。

People get into a bit of a dance with each other.

人们互相影响。

I give you nice feedback, you kind of know it's BS,

我给你友善的反馈， 你能感觉到这是乱说的 ，

but you smile and say thank you and then, you know, go on your way.

但你笑着说声谢谢， 然后，还是这样做。

It takes a lot to break that interpersonal cycle.

打破这种人际关系 循环需要很久。

And to do that,

要做到这一点，

we have to think about how we actually want

我们必须考虑我们到底想

to frame our feedback to other people.

如何构思我们对其他人的反馈。

So instead of asking people,

因此，与其问别人：

"Should I be nice or honest and useful?"

“我应该友善还是诚实且有用？”

What I like to do is ask people,

我更喜欢问别人：

"Can I give you feedback on a couple dimensions?"

“我能给你几个方面的反馈吗？”

Can we think about feedback as general versus specific?

我们能否将反馈 视为一般反馈还是具体反馈？

Another dimension would be,

另一个维度是，

can we think about things that you're doing well

我们能否想一下

you should keep doing

你应该继续做你做得很好的事

versus things that "please stop."

还是应该“停下来”的事情。

And I'll get in a moment

过一会儿我会谈谈我们

to how we can actually frame that form of negative feedback.

如何才能构思 这种形式的负面反馈。

So I think a lot of us are actually pretty decent

我想我们中的很多人 实际上对积极的

at the positive general feedback, right?

笼统反馈都相当不错，对吧？

"I love how timely you are."

“我喜欢你这么及时。”

But what does that mean?

但这是什么意思呢？

It could mean that you're on time for meetings,

这可能代表着你开会准时，

it could mean that you turn your work in on time,

也可能代表着你准时交代工作，

it could mean it in a very global way of,

还代表着一种非常全球化的方式，

"You sure managed to do a lot in five years."

“五年里你确实做了很多事情。”

Or it could mean something so specific,

或者它意味着非常具体的内容，

like, “It’s so helpful that you send in your reports by 5 pm,”

比如，“ 你在下午5 点之前 提交的报告非常有帮助。”

but I don't really want to comment

但我真的不想评论

on all those other kinds of forms of being timely.

所有其他形式的及时性。

And when we do the kind of general feedback that is negative,

而且，当我们做出负面 的笼统反馈时，

the "please stop," we need it to be specific.

比如： “请停下来”， 我们需要具体说明。

So kind of, one of the more common forms of general negative feedback people get

因此，人们最常得到的 普遍负面反馈是

is "You don't take enough initiative here."

“你在这里不够主动。”

How many of you have ever been told, “Please take some more initiative”?

你们当中有多少人被告知， “请更主动一些”？

I think most of us at some point in our lives have experienced this.

我相信大多数人在某个时刻 都经历过这种情况。

What does that mean?

这意味着什么？

Does it mean I should speak up more in meetings?

这是否意味着我应该 在会议上多说话？

Does it mean I should be quicker on my email?

这是否意味着我应该 更快地回邮件？

Does it mean I should do your job without complaining about doing your job,

这是否意味着我不应该抱怨 我正在做你的工作？

which is often what it actually means?

这究竟是什么意思？

We have to break it down into the specifics,

我们必须把具体内容说出来，

and that could include things like,

其中可能包括：

"Don't wait for Tom to ask if you found any errors

“不要等到汤姆问你 有没有发现任何错误，

before you say, 'Tom, I found some errors.'"

然后再说， '汤姆，我发现了一些错误'。”

Now an important piece here is what people should do instead.

重要的是，人们应该做什么。

Often if we get to the stage

通常，如果我们到了某个阶段，

where we're comfortable enough telling people,

能够足够自信地告诉人们，

“I have a specific, critical, negative thing I want to tell you,” --

“我有一 件具体、关键、负面 的话要告诉你”

“Please stop interrupting people,”

“请不要打断别人的话”，

you know, not telling Tom about the errors,

你知道，不告诉汤姆错误，

showing up five minutes late with coffee

迟到五分钟喝咖啡，

so I know what you were doing during those five minutes --

这样我就知道 你在这五分钟里在做什么，

we don’t tend to replace them with anything,

我们会用任何东西取而代之，

but we know from our personal lives that replacing negative critical,

但我们从个人生活中知道 这取代了负面的批评，”

"please stop" behaviors is absolutely essential.

“请停止”的行为 是绝对必要的。

So I want to take you out of the workplace for a moment.

让我们先离开工作的地方。

And we're going to go to the bedroom.

然后我们去往下一个地方，卧室。

Yes, I said we're going to the bedroom.

现在，我们前往卧室。

So imagine it's the case that you just had sex with someone for the first time.

想象一下，你刚刚与某人 第一次发生性关系。

OK, we're all there, we've done a lot of mentalizing today.

今天我们做了很多心理训练。

And you turn to the person and you say,

然后你转向对方说：

"Those last three things you just did back there,

“你刚才在那里做的最后三件事，

no good.

没有一件是好事。

They're all bad.

它们都很糟糕。

Didn't like any of them."

没有一件是我喜欢的。”

They're going to look at you in shock and surprise and say,

他们会震惊地看着你，然后说：

"Well, what should I do instead," right?

“好吧，我该怎么做？”

And until we're ready to actually fire the person

在我们准备好要朝这个人发火，

or kick them out of bed

或把他们赶下床，

or fire them from our team,

或者将他们从 我们的团队中解雇之前，

we have to focus on those replacement behaviors,

我们必须专注于这些改变行为，

what they should be doing instead.

改为他们应该做什么。

And I think as we think through kind of, scaling this type of feedback,

而且我认为， 当我们认真考虑扩大这种反馈时，

it can be very scary to make these types of change.

做出这样的改变可能会非常可怕。

What I found is that cultures of anxious, nice feedback are ingrained.

我发现，焦虑、友善反馈的文化 根深蒂固。

They're systemic,

它们是系统性的，

they are deeply embedded in a community,

深深地扎根于社区、

in the workplace, in a team,

工作场所、团队中，

even in dyadic interpersonal relationships.

甚至是在两人的人际关系中。

And so to break that cycle, you have to start small,

因此，要打破这个循环， 你必须从小处着手，

you need to start neutral.

你需要从中立开始。

And by neutral I mean things

我所说的 “中立” 是指，

that are not scary to hear critical feedback on.

那些听起来并不令人害怕的反馈。

You might be thinking to yourself,

你可能会想，

what's some neutral feedback that you could give me

在我的演讲结束时你能给我

at the end of my talk?

什么中立的反馈呢？

How about "I would switch the order of the points on your talk"

“我会改变你演讲要点的顺序。”

or "I would change the font."

或 “我会换字体” 。

These types of feedback are specific, and so they're useful,

这些类型的反馈很具体的， 因此它们很有用，

but they're not scary to deliver

但它们并不让被反馈者感到害怕，

and they're not actually scary to receive.

收到反馈实际上也不可怕。

And what we find is that when people take these baby steps

我们发现，当人们 采取这些小步骤

to work up to this type of feedback,

来满足这种反馈时，

they are much less anxious in the delivery.

他们在分娩过程中的 焦虑会大大降低。

So those behaviors I opened with of people fidgeting,

所以我开场时的 行为让大家坐立不安，

engaging in what we call a brittle smile,

大家露出冷漠的笑，

avoiding eye contact,

避免眼神交流，

they actually go down

这些行为实际上会慢慢消失

and so do those stress responses

以及压力反应也会慢慢消失，

when you know and you're anticipating giving this kind of feedback

当你知道并且预计会 给出

that isn't going to sting.

这种不会刺痛的反馈时。

And I think as you work through this,

而且我认为， 在你努力解决这个问题时，

I don't want to be a proponent of killing niceness entirely.

我不想成为完全杀死善良 的支持者。

I think it's actually really important

我认为，非常重要

to put niceness in the delivery of your feedback,

的是在反馈的交付 中保持良好的态度

and that can come across in a bunch of different ways.

这可以通过很多 不同的方式体现出来。

It can come across as by showing you're engaged, you listened.

它可能表现为表明 你参与了，你听了。

You know what the person's actually trying to do,

你知道这个人到 底想做什么，

you're aligned with their goals.

你与他们的目标是一致的。

The first time I actually got this type of critical nice feedback

我第一次真正得到这种 重要的好反馈

was after a talk I gave

是在我进行了一次演讲之后，

and the person came up to me and she said,

那个人走过来找我，她说：

"Can I give you some feedback?"

“我能给你一些反馈吗？”

And immediately my heart started pounding.

然后我的心立即开始跳动。

I'm like, oh great, here we go.

我想，哦太棒了，我们开始吧。

No one likes hearing, "Can I give you some feedback?"

没有人喜欢听到 “我能给你一些反馈吗？”

And she opened with three things that she thought I did well.

她以三件事作为开场 白，她认为我做得很好。

"I really liked points one, two and three you made in that talk.

“我真的很喜欢你在那次演讲 中提出的第一、二和三点。

They really resonated with me.

他们真的引起了我的共鸣。

But you have this habit when you're concentrating

但是 当你集中注意力

of looking up and to the right,

向上和向右看时，你有 这样的习惯，

and so you spent half the talk kind of staring at the ceiling

所以你一半的谈话时间 都盯着天花板

or the exit sign in this case,

或出口标志，在这种情况下，

instead of making eye contact with the audience.

而不是 与观众进行眼神交流。

And it's distracting and it creates a distance."

而且它会分散注意力， 而且会拉开距离。”

So I thought a little bit about it

所以我想了一下，

with my eyes probably rolled up inside my head,

我的眼睛可能在脑海里 翻了个白眼，

and I thought, OK, I can actually make that change.

然后我想，好吧，我 真的可以做出这样的改变。

It doesn't feel super scary.

感觉不太可怕。

And so I did.

我也这样做了。

I made that change, and I thought about how she framed that feedback

我做了这样的改变，我想到了她是 如何反馈

through this culture of niceness.

通过这种友善的文化来构思。

So I want to wish you all luck

因此，我想祝你们

on your journey of trying to change culture of feedback,

在努力改变反馈 文化、

killing anxious niceness,

消除焦虑情绪的旅程中一切顺利，

and hopefully have some concrete steps to help you move forward.

并希望有一些具体的步骤 来帮助你向前迈进。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）