The Profound Power of Gratitude and "Living Eulogies" | Andrea Driessen | TED

翻译人员: Yilin Zhou 校对人员: Helen Chang

I have a death wish.

我有一个遗愿。

Now before you just boo me off the stage for saying such a thing in a pandemic,

先别因为我在疫情之下说这种事 就把我轰下台，

I'll explain with a little back story,

我先来介绍一下背景，

starting with my second grade gym class.

这还要从我二年级的体育课说起。

This was the longest,

那是我那个星期感到最漫长、 最丢人的一段时间。

most humiliating hour of the week.

My PE teacher, Mr. Jensen, was a former drill sergeant,

我的体育老师詹森先生，以前是个教官，

and I always felt like the weakest kid.

而我总感觉自己是所有学生当中最弱的。

On my report card,

他在我的成绩单里

he checked the boxes corresponding to what must have been important

所有在70年代对儿童身体发育 重要的项目旁的方框里打了勾。

for kids' physical development in the '70s.

Oh, except the one on leadership qualities,

哦，除了“领导才能”那项，

he left that one unchecked.

他没有打勾。

Then he added a note.

他还加注了一句。

He said, "Andrea has difficulty kicking balls."

他写道：“安德莉亚不擅长踢球。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

My dad, who was always the one to see people's gifts instead of their limits,

我父亲总能发现人们的天赋， 而不是盯着他们的缺点，

wrote a letter back to Mr. Jensen.

他给詹森先生回了信。

He said, "Andrea may have difficulty kicking balls,

他写道：“安德莉亚或许不擅长踢球，

but you should see her stand on her head and do cartwheels."

但你该见识一下她倒立侧手翻的本领。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

As a kid, I was usually the smallest on the playground,

孩童时期的我 总是场上最矮小的一个，

never athletic,

从来不善于运动，

picked last for, you guessed it, kickball.

你们应该也猜到了， 老师总是最后一个点我去踢球。

I took solace in my dad's sincere support.

父亲发自内心的支持给了我安慰。

But now, as a business owner,

而现在，我成了生意人，

I can see that ball kicking can really come in handy

对我来说，踢球真能派上用场。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Anyway, in that one simple sentence to a short-sighted gym teacher

不管怎样，我爸对这目光短浅的体育老师 说的短短一句话“你该见识一下”

"but you should see her,"

my dad showed me that focusing on strengths more than weaknesses

让我明白了，多关注自己的强项， 少关注弱项，这种感觉真好。

feels really good.

That there are other ways to look at the world

还有就是，认识世界还有很多别的方法，

and that it's important to recognize each other's gifts.

还有，发现彼此的天赋也是很重要的。

So with all that great karma

父亲对我的欣赏也为他带来了好运，

my dad had built up around appreciation with me,

it only seems right that some praise would ultimately come his way.

众人都对他连连称赞。

Long into his fruitful and active retirement,

他功成身退后，

he was featured in a hometown newspaper story.

家乡的报纸登文介绍了他的事迹。

The article described the many ways

文中介绍了他对我们这个中西部小镇 做出的诸多贡献。

he contributed to our small Midwestern town.

And he sent a copy of that piece to my siblings and me

他还给我和兄弟姐妹们寄了文章的复印件， 上面还有一处手写的简短的注解。

with a short handwritten note.

He was always really modest,

他总是那么谦逊，

so he just said,

他只是说，

"Well, it's better than having a eulogy read over a casket."

“嗯，这个总比在棺材外念悼词要好吧。”

My dad died seven years ago at the age of 96,

父亲七年前去世了，享年96岁，

and he was surrounded by family and friends and two hospice workers.

他去世时，家人、朋友， 还有两位临终关怀护工围绕在他身边。

He left this world not 20 feet from where he’d come into it.

他去世的地方 离他出生的地方不过20尺。

He was born and he died in the same house.

他的生与死都在同一所房子里。

I like to think he died as well as he'd lived.

我总觉得，他虽然去世了， 但却好像还活着一样。

On his own terms.

以他自己的方式活着。

I had the honor of giving the eulogy,

我有幸为他致了悼词，

and ultimately he'd chosen cremation over that "casket."

最终他没有选择“棺葬”， 而是选择了火葬。

As I looked over at my dad's ashes,

当我看向父亲的骨灰，

I had to smile because, you know, our dad really loved beer.

我微笑了，因为父亲特别喜爱啤酒，

So instead of putting his ashes in a blasé urn,

所以我们没有用一般的骨灰缸 来装他的骨灰，

we put them in a big, shiny beer growler.

用的是一个又大又闪亮的啤酒瓶。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So my remarks over the growler were a sincere tribute

我对这啤酒瓶的评论 是对一个优秀的人真挚的歌颂。

to a superb human being.

Not unusual as far as eulogies go,

就悼词而言，它其实很平常，

except for one thing.

但有一点不一样的是，

He'd already heard it.

他已经听过这一段了。

Those many years earlier, after I'd received his note

早年间我收到过他的信件，

about how having nice things said about you while you're alive

信中说活着的时候被人夸 胜过死后被人歌颂，

beats the alternative,

I wrote my dad a letter.

我也给父亲写了封信。

And the theme of the letter reflected a common thread

信的主题，是他漫长人生中 贯穿始终的东西。

that I had noticed in his long life.

The theme of building.

这个主题就是建立。

Our dad had helped to build so many things.

父亲帮人们建立了许多东西：

Gun emplacements in World War II;

二战时的炮台；

a new industrial park;

新的工业园区；

a vibrant hobby as a self-taught and later acclaimed woodcarver;

他超棒的、自学的、 其后广受赞扬的木雕爱好；

confidence in others;

对人的信任；

a many-decades-long marriage;

长达几十年的婚姻；

a family, a home.

一个家庭，一所房子。

And he had the chance to read it all long before he died.

在去世之前他早就读了悼词的内容。

So that had me asking,

这让我想问：

why are eulogies only for dead people?

为什么悼词的内容只能用于逝者呢？

Why do we wait so long to recognize each other's gifts?

为什么我们迟迟不认可彼此的赠予呢？

Why are the truest compliments and the sincerest sentiments

为什么要在所爱之人再也没机会 听到、享受到的时候，

said about people we love

when they can't hear and savor and relish them?

才对他们致以最真心的赞扬， 展现最真挚的感情呢？

And how do we honor all those around us who are very much alive?

我们该如何向身边活着的人致敬呢？

So what if we turn regret on its head

如果我们能不留遗憾， 在别人活着的时候，

and take all that love and conscientiousness

that we habitually express after people die

就把那些习惯于在别人去世之后 才表露的爱意与忠心表露出来呢？

and do it while they're still here?

Because doing that eases the pain of death and regret

这样做，不管是对死去的人还是活着的人， 都能减轻死亡和遗憾带来的痛苦。

for both the dying and the living.

So I set out on an intentional quest to bear witness to people who are dying.

所以我特意发起了一项活动， 为临终之人作见证。

As a hospice volunteer,

作为一位临终关怀志愿者，

I'm learning that those who are dying,

我了解到，临终之人

they want to know that they're loved.

希望自己是被爱的，

That they've loved well.

也希望自己好好爱过。

They feel regret for all sorts of things.

他们对许多事情感到后悔，

For things they didn't do and words they didn't say.

后悔自己有些事没做，有些话没说。

Deep down, they want to know that their lives have mattered.

他们内心深处希望自己的生命是有价值的。

They feel really mortal.

他们感觉自己终将去往另一个世界。

Because they are.

因为他们确实如此。

As am I.

我也一样。

As are you.

你们也是。

So when we learn a loved one may be dying,

所以，当我们得知所爱之人生命将尽时，

we face a pivotal choice.

便会面临一项关键选择。

We can choose to say nothing

我们可以选择什么也不说，

and hope that our words will sufficiently honor the person

然后盼着自己的话能对那些 与我们永别的人致以崇高的敬意。

who's no longer here with us.

Or we can step up and express our love and appreciation

抑或是趁他们还活着的时候 就赶紧表达自己的爱与感激。

while they're still here.

And we can honor all those around us who are very much alive.

我们可以向身边任何活生生的人致敬。

I call this intentional honoring of others “Gracenotes”.

对于这种有意的致敬， 我称之为“恩典之信”。

And whether they’re written or spoken,

无论是书面的还是口头的，

they're this means of freely and openly acknowledging

它们都是在自发、公开地 对他人的存在和天赋表达认可。

someone's presence and gifts.

I know in my bones that these sentiments lessen the pain of grief

我深知这种感情能够减少悲痛， 也能带来更大的恩典。

and increase its grace.

Like a musical grace note,

它们就像音乐里的装饰音，

they're that extra embellishment

是一种点缀，让各种事物锦上添花。

that makes something beautiful even better.

With Gracenotes, we let our family, our friends, our kids,

“恩典之信”不仅能让让家人、朋友、孩子，

even our colleagues know not just that they matter

甚至同事知道自己有多重要，

but how they matter.

也能让他们知道自己为何重要。

And these notes also help us to overcome the illusion,

这些信息也能让我们从错觉中醒过来，

the illusion that there'll always be more time to let others know

这种错觉就是 我们还有很多时间让他人知道

how they're impacting the world.

自己对这世界的影响之大。

So what do you think keeps us from "gracing" each other this way?

那么，你们觉得哪些因素 会成为人们互表“恩典”的阻碍呢？

Lack of time?

没时间？

Fear of feeling awkward?

觉得尴尬？

Unresolved anger?

有未解之恨？

Maybe a lack of forgiveness.

又或许是缺乏谅解？

With that in mind, I'll tell you a bit about my friend Sandy.

基于这一点，我想给你们讲讲 我朋友珊迪的故事。

For much of her life, she had this complicated relationship with her mom.

她一生中有相当一部分时间 跟母亲的关系十分复杂，

She was holding on to decades of resentment.

怀抱着怨恨已经持续好几十年了。

Some of it was tied up in her mom's alcoholism.

其中一部分原因就是她母亲酗酒。

But now her mom was dying of cancer.

而今，她母亲患了癌症，正处于弥留之际。

And as heart-wrenching as it was to admit,

她说，虽然这么说很令人心碎，

she said sometimes she wanted her to die.

但她有时候真的希望她母亲去死。

Sandy and I happened to go for a walk not long after my dad passed,

我父亲去世后不久， 珊迪正好和我一起去散步，

and I said I felt this sense of freedom and a lack of regret,

我说，我现在有种自如感， 而且无怨无悔，

and I thought it had to be

我觉得这样很正常，

because I gave him that note before he died.

因为我在他去世之前 就向他表达了那些心声。

So Sandy decided to write her mom a note,

所以，珊迪也决定给母亲写封信，

and she included an honoring set of memories

信中她回忆了自己深爱她母亲的诸多方面。

about what she did love about her mom.

She called me later, she said,

后来她打电话跟我说，

"You know what?

“你知道吗？

It was like magic.

这简直跟魔法一样！

I started liking my mom.

我开始喜欢我妈了。

I forgave her.

我原谅了她，

I felt compassion for her.

也很同情他，

My heart got softer."

我的心也变得柔软了。”

Here's the thing.

重点在这。

When we're writing a Gracenote,

我们在写“恩典之信”的时候，

you're not trying to get published in a poetry anthology.

不是要让它们在诗集里出版的，

You don't have to sound like Shakespeare.

不必把文风搞得跟莎士比亚似的。

My guess is you're probably not trying to get a job at Hallmark.

我觉得，大家写这个 不是为了在贺曼卡片工作，

Just want to sound like you.

只要是自己的风格就好。

You just need to be willing to try.

你们只需要去尝试。

You're aiming for truth, authenticity, love.

你们的目标应该是 展现事实、真心和爱意。

What I've learned over and over is that the pain of regret

我曾一次一次地明白，遗憾带来的痛苦，

is always greater than the challenge of writing a Gracenote.

远比写一封“恩典之信” 带来的的挑战更大。

A moment of grace can be that simple and that profound.

这种恩典，或简单，或深奥，

It's an experience that forever touches the dying

也是一种经历，它总能感动 临终的人和失去亲人的人。

and those who are left behind.

So what now?

现在该做什么呢？

You might be sitting there thinking what you'd say

此时你们可能正坐在那儿想着 该说什么或是该如何开始。

or how to get started.

Business groups and long-term care groups that I speak to

我曾洽谈过的企业集团和长期关怀小组

use what I like to call the Mad Libs approach.

会用这么一种方法， 我称之为“疯狂填词法”。

Maybe you played Mad Libs in middle school.

可能你们中学的时候都玩过疯狂填词，

Maybe you still play Mad Libs.

甚至可能现在都还在玩。

It’s that fun, fill-in-the-blank word game.

这是一个好玩的填空游戏。

So with a little bit of Mad Libs style, we get this easy-to-use

我们可以用疯狂填词的方式 得到这样一个易用的“恩典之信”导图。

Gracenotes road map.

"You are the only person I know who ..."

“你是我认识的唯一一个……”

"I always laugh when I think about ..."

“当我想到……时，我总是开怀大笑。”

"You will leave a legacy around ..."

“你会为……留下一笔宝贵财富。”

Bottom line, you can't do this wrong.

总之，你不会做错，

It's impossible.

不可能做错。

And if writing’s not your thing,

如果不喜欢写信的话，

what if you made a video?

不如试试拍视频？

A drawing?

或是画画？

Maybe you're really good at PowerPoint decks.

或者做 PowerPoint 投影片？

Could you write a grace sentence?

你能够写一句好话吗？

The medium doesn't matter.

重要的不是用什么媒介，

What matters is the doing.

而是采取行动。

What I've learned in this journey of my own

我从自己的亲身经历，还有和别人 谈论丧亲经历当中明白了一件事，

and in talking to others about their losses,

is that Gracenotes create the sense of completeness,

就是“恩典之信”能给人带来 圆满、满足、平静的感觉。

contentedness and calm.

I vividly recall the last night my dad was alive.

我到现在还清晰记得 父亲生命的最后一天。

By then he was unconscious, and everyone else had gone to bed.

那时他已经不省人事， 其他人也都上床睡觉了。

I sat with him with my hand softly on his.

我就坐在他旁边，用手轻轻触碰他。

And on this unrepeatable night,

在这空前绝后的夜晚，

I didn't have to worry about trying to find the words

我不用费心去想

to tell him all that he'd meant to me

怎么去告诉他他对我多重要，

and only hope that he could hear what I said.

只盼着他能听到。

Instead, I could be present to his dying.

相反，我亲眼见证了他的弥留之际。

I could affirm that if this was his time to move on,

我敢肯定，如果他现在必须离开了

that was OK.

也没关系。

I could love him with presence and with touch,

我能以陪伴和轻触来表达爱意，

knowing full well that my Gracenote those many years earlier

清楚地知道 我早年间的“恩典之信”

had been a sincere and thorough rendering of his life well lived.

是对他美好一生真实、透彻的描绘。

Ever since, I've felt very little regret.

从那以后，我一直无怨无悔。

And I know it's because I shared my full heart with him

那是因为我在还来得及的时候 就向他表露了真心。

before it was too late.

So I hope, I deeply hope,

所以，我真心希望

that you don't know anyone who's actively dying.

你们认识的人里没有快要离开这个世界的。

But given the times we're in, that may well not be the case.

但在我们现在所处的时代， 情况并不见得如此。

No matter what,

无论如何，

I encourage you to just look around.

我想请你们看看周围。

People everywhere are dying to be seen and heard,

所有人都热切地盼望 自己能被看到、被听到，

to know how they matter.

盼望有人知道他们多重要。

They're dying to get your Gracenote.

他们渴望收到你们的“恩典之信”。

So that is my death wish.

这就是我的遗愿。

That you see how your note, no matter what form it takes,

我希望各位能明白 你们传递的信息，无论是什么形式，

is like an oasis in a desert of people

都会像沙漠里的绿洲一样给人希望，

who are thirsty to know they're making a difference.

他们渴望有人知道他们有多重要。

Like my dad said,

就像我父亲说过的，

it's better than having a eulogy read over a casket.

这个总比在棺材外念悼词要好。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Applause)

（掌声）