The Profound Power of Gratitude and "Living Eulogies" | Andrea Driessen | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

I have a death wish.

我有個遺願。

Now before you just boo me off the stage for saying such a thing in a pandemic,

在疫情期間說這種話， 各位應該很想把我噓下台，

I'll explain with a little back story,

請先讓我先說明它的背景故事，

starting with my second grade gym class.

要從我二年級的體育課說起。

This was the longest,

這堂課是每週最漫長

most humiliating hour of the week.

也最可恥的一個小時。

My PE teacher, Mr. Jensen, was a former drill sergeant,

我的體育老師詹森先生以前是教官，

and I always felt like the weakest kid.

而我總覺得我是 孩子當中最弱的一個。

On my report card,

在我的成績單上，

he checked the boxes corresponding to what must have been important

他勾選的都是在 1970 年代

對孩子的身體發展很重要的項目。

for kids' physical development in the '70s.

Oh, except the one on leadership qualities,

喔，除了領導特質這一項，

he left that one unchecked.

他沒有勾選那一項。

Then he added a note.

他還加上了備註。

He said, "Andrea has difficulty kicking balls."

他說：「安德里雅 有踢『球』障礙。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

My dad, who was always the one to see people's gifts instead of their limits,

我爸爸通常都能看到 別人的天賦而非限制，

wrote a letter back to Mr. Jensen.

他回了一封信給詹森先生，

He said, "Andrea may have difficulty kicking balls,

他說：「也許安德里雅有踢球障礙，

but you should see her stand on her head and do cartwheels."

但你應該看看她用頭倒立翻筋斗。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

As a kid, I was usually the smallest on the playground,

小時候，我總是遊樂場上 個子最小的那個孩子，

never athletic,

運動細胞很差，

picked last for, you guessed it, kickball.

最後一個才被選去…… 各位猜得沒錯，踢球。

I took solace in my dad's sincere support.

我爸爸的真誠支持安慰了我。

But now, as a business owner,

但，現在，身為企業主，

I can see that ball kicking can really come in handy

我了解到，踢「球」 有時真的很有用。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Anyway, in that one simple sentence to a short-sighted gym teacher

總之，寫一句簡單的話 給那位短視的體育老師，

"but you should see her,"

「但你應該看看她」，

my dad showed me that focusing on strengths more than weaknesses

我爸爸讓我了解到， 多把焦點放在優點上，

而非缺點，感覺真的很棒。

feels really good.

That there are other ways to look at the world

且可以用其他的方式看世界，

and that it's important to recognize each other's gifts.

以及肯定他人的天賦是很重要的。

So with all that great karma

因為我爸爸懂得欣賞我

my dad had built up around appreciation with me,

而在我身邊建立的 所有這些美好因緣，

it only seems right that some praise would ultimately come his way.

最終，他也應該得到一些讚美才對。

Long into his fruitful and active retirement,

在他進入豐富又活躍的 退休生活好一陣子之後，

he was featured in a hometown newspaper story.

家鄉的一份報紙刊載了 一篇關於他的報導。

The article described the many ways

文章中描述了他對我們這個 中西部小鎮做出的許多貢獻。

he contributed to our small Midwestern town.

And he sent a copy of that piece to my siblings and me

他把那篇文章寄給 我和我的兄弟姐妹，

with a short handwritten note.

附上一張手寫的字條。

He was always really modest,

他總是很謙虛，他只說：

so he just said,

"Well, it's better than having a eulogy read over a casket."

「這至少比對著棺材讀悼文好吧。」

My dad died seven years ago at the age of 96,

我爸爸在七年前過世， 享年九十六歲，

and he was surrounded by family and friends and two hospice workers.

過世時身邊圍繞著家人、 朋友，及兩名安養院員工。

He left this world not 20 feet from where he’d come into it.

他離開這個世界的地方，離他 來到這個世界的地方不到二十呎。

He was born and he died in the same house.

他在同一間房子裡出生、過世。

I like to think he died as well as he'd lived.

我認為他活得很好，也死得很好。

On his own terms.

都有依照他的意願。

I had the honor of giving the eulogy,

我很榮幸能誦讀悼文，

and ultimately he'd chosen cremation over that "casket."

最終，他選擇火葬 而不是那「棺材」。

As I looked over at my dad's ashes,

當我看向我爸爸的骨灰，

I had to smile because, you know, our dad really loved beer.

我微笑了，

因為，我爸爸很愛喝啤酒。

So instead of putting his ashes in a blasé urn,

所以，他的骨灰 不是放在冰冷的甕裡，

we put them in a big, shiny beer growler.

我們把骨灰放在一個 閃亮的大型啤酒瓶裡。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So my remarks over the growler were a sincere tribute

我對著啤酒瓶誦讀的內容，

是對一個很棒的人 所表達的真誠敬意。

to a superb human being.

Not unusual as far as eulogies go,

就悼文來說這並不會不尋常，

except for one thing.

除了一點。

He'd already heard it.

他已經聽過了。

Those many years earlier, after I'd received his note

許多年前，他寫字條告訴我

about how having nice things said about you while you're alive

活著的時候能聽到 關於自己的好事有多棒，

beats the alternative,

比死了才聽到更好，

I wrote my dad a letter.

於是我寫了封信給我爸爸。

And the theme of the letter reflected a common thread

信的主題反映出 我在他長壽的人生中

that I had noticed in his long life.

注意到的一個共通元素。

The theme of building.

「建造」這個主題。

Our dad had helped to build so many things.

我們的爸爸協助建造了好多東西。

Gun emplacements in World War II;

二次大戰的炮台；

a new industrial park;

一個新的工業園區；

a vibrant hobby as a self-taught and later acclaimed woodcarver;

一個精采的嗜好：自學成為 後來頗受好評的木雕刻家；

confidence in others;

他人的信心；

a many-decades-long marriage;

一段數十年長的婚姻；

a family, a home.

一個家庭，一個家。

And he had the chance to read it all long before he died.

他有機會在他過世前很久 就先讀到這封信。

So that had me asking,

那讓我不禁想問：

why are eulogies only for dead people?

為什麼悼文只能寫給死人？

Why do we wait so long to recognize each other's gifts?

為什麼我們要等這麼久 才認可彼此的付出？

Why are the truest compliments and the sincerest sentiments

為什麼對我們所愛的人 說出最真誠的讚美

said about people we love

及最真心的感情時，

when they can't hear and savor and relish them?

卻是他們無法聽見、品嚐、 享受這些話的時候？

And how do we honor all those around us who are very much alive?

我們要如何對我們身邊 還活著的人表示敬意？

So what if we turn regret on its head

如果我們能把後悔反轉過來呢？

and take all that love and conscientiousness

把我們通常留到人死後才表達的

that we habitually express after people die

那些愛意和真心實話，

and do it while they're still here?

在他們還健在時就表達出來呢？

Because doing that eases the pain of death and regret

因為這麼做能夠減輕 死亡和後悔帶來的痛苦，

for both the dying and the living.

對於將死的人及活著的人皆是。

So I set out on an intentional quest to bear witness to people who are dying.

於是，我刻意踏上一段旅程，

去見證將死的人。

As a hospice volunteer,

擔任安養院志工期間，

I'm learning that those who are dying,

我發現將死的人

they want to know that they're loved.

會想要知道他們是被愛著的，

That they've loved well.

他們有好好愛過。

They feel regret for all sorts of things.

他們會後悔各式各樣的事情。

For things they didn't do and words they didn't say.

後悔沒有做某些事，

沒有說某些話。

Deep down, they want to know that their lives have mattered.

他們打從內心深處想要知道 他們的人生是有重要性的。

They feel really mortal.

他們覺得自己會死。

Because they are.

因為的確如此。

As am I.

我也會死。

As are you.

各位也會死。

So when we learn a loved one may be dying,

所以，當我們得知 至親可能來日不多時，

we face a pivotal choice.

我們就會面臨重要的選擇。

We can choose to say nothing

我們可以選擇什麼都不說，

and hope that our words will sufficiently honor the person

希望當這個人不在時， 我們的話語足以

who's no longer here with us.

表示對他的敬意。

Or we can step up and express our love and appreciation

或者，我們可以站出來， 表達我們的愛和感念，

while they're still here.

當他還在世時就做。

And we can honor all those around us who are very much alive.

我們可以對我們身邊都還 活得好好的人表示敬意。

I call this intentional honoring of others “Gracenotes”.

我把這種刻意對他人表示的 敬意稱為「裝飾心語」。

And whether they’re written or spoken,

不論是用寫的還是說的，

they're this means of freely and openly acknowledging

透過這種方式，可以自由、 開放地認可一個人的

someone's presence and gifts.

存在以及付出。

I know in my bones that these sentiments lessen the pain of grief

我打從骨子裡相信， 這些感情能減輕悲傷的痛苦，

and increase its grace.

還能增添它的優雅。

Like a musical grace note,

就像音樂的裝飾音，

they're that extra embellishment

它們是種額外的裝飾，

that makes something beautiful even better.

能讓美好更上一層樓。

With Gracenotes, we let our family, our friends, our kids,

透過裝飾心語，我們能讓家人、朋友、

孩子，甚至同事，

even our colleagues know not just that they matter

能夠不僅知道他們很重要，

but how they matter.

還能知道重要在哪裡。

And these notes also help us to overcome the illusion,

這些心語也能協助我們克服幻覺，

the illusion that there'll always be more time to let others know

我們會幻想

一定還有很多時間可以讓對方知道

how they're impacting the world.

他們如何影響這個世界。

So what do you think keeps us from "gracing" each other this way?

各位認為是什麼原因讓我們 不用這種方式讚頌彼此？

Lack of time?

沒時間？

Fear of feeling awkward?

怕覺得尷尬？

Unresolved anger?

還沒化解的憤怒？

Maybe a lack of forgiveness.

也許是缺乏寬恕。

With that in mind, I'll tell you a bit about my friend Sandy.

就這一點，讓我跟各位 談談我的朋友珊蒂。

For much of her life, she had this complicated relationship with her mom.

在她大部分的人生中， 她和她母親的關係都很複雜。

She was holding on to decades of resentment.

數十年她都不願放下憤恨。

Some of it was tied up in her mom's alcoholism.

有部分與她母親酗酒有關。

But now her mom was dying of cancer.

但現在她母親因為癌症， 所剩的日子不多了。

And as heart-wrenching as it was to admit,

要承認這一點是十分揪心的，

she said sometimes she wanted her to die.

但她仍然說，有時， 她會希望母親死掉。

Sandy and I happened to go for a walk not long after my dad passed,

我爸爸過世後沒多久， 我剛好和珊蒂去散步，

and I said I felt this sense of freedom and a lack of regret,

我說我感受到一種自由，

且沒有悔恨，我認為一定是因為 我在他過世前把心語給了他。

and I thought it had to be

because I gave him that note before he died.

So Sandy decided to write her mom a note,

所以，珊蒂決定 也寫下給她母親的心語，

and she included an honoring set of memories

內容包含了表達敬意的記憶， 說明她愛她母親的哪些點。

about what she did love about her mom.

She called me later, she said,

後來，她打電話給我，說：

"You know what?

「你知道怎樣嗎？

It was like magic.

就像魔法一樣。

I started liking my mom.

我開始喜歡我母親了。

I forgave her.

我原諒她了。

I felt compassion for her.

我會同情她了。

My heart got softer."

我的心變軟了。」

Here's the thing.

重點來了。

When we're writing a Gracenote,

在寫裝飾心語時，

you're not trying to get published in a poetry anthology.

目的並不是要出版詩集。

You don't have to sound like Shakespeare.

不用寫得像莎士比亞一樣。

My guess is you're probably not trying to get a job at Hallmark.

我猜各位應該也沒打算 去 Hallmark 求職，

Just want to sound like you.

用你的語氣就好。

You just need to be willing to try.

你只需要願意嘗試即可。

You're aiming for truth, authenticity, love.

你的目標是事實、

真心、愛。

What I've learned over and over is that the pain of regret

我一再學到一件事情，那就是，

後悔的痛苦向來都超過 撰寫心語的挑戰。

is always greater than the challenge of writing a Gracenote.

A moment of grace can be that simple and that profound.

恩典的時刻的確有可能那麼簡單，

那麼深刻。

It's an experience that forever touches the dying

這種體驗會永遠觸動著 面臨死亡的人，

and those who are left behind.

以及被留下的人。

So what now?

那現在呢？

You might be sitting there thinking what you'd say

各位坐在那裡，可能在想著 要說什麼或如何著手。

or how to get started.

Business groups and long-term care groups that I speak to

和我談過的企業團體和長期照護團體

use what I like to call the Mad Libs approach.

會採用我所謂的瘋狂填字法。

Maybe you played Mad Libs in middle school.

也許各位在中學時玩過瘋狂填字。

Maybe you still play Mad Libs.

也許各位現在還在玩。

It’s that fun, fill-in-the-blank word game.

它是種有趣的填字遊戲。

So with a little bit of Mad Libs style, we get this easy-to-use

用一點瘋狂填字風格， 我們就能創造出

簡單易用的裝飾心語指示。

Gracenotes road map.

"You are the only person I know who ..."

「我認識的人當中只有你會……」

"I always laugh when I think about ..."

「只要我想到……就一定會笑。」

"You will leave a legacy around ..."

「你會留下的遺產是……」

Bottom line, you can't do this wrong.

總之，你不可能做錯。

It's impossible.

不可能做錯。

And if writing’s not your thing,

如果你不擅長寫作，

what if you made a video?

拍支影片如何？

A drawing?

畫張圖？

Maybe you're really good at PowerPoint decks.

也許你很擅長做 PowerPoint 投影片。

Could you write a grace sentence?

你能不能寫一句裝飾句？

The medium doesn't matter.

用什麼媒體並不重要。

What matters is the doing.

重要的是要去做。

What I've learned in this journey of my own

從我自己的旅程

以及和他人談他們的失去， 我學到了一件事：

and in talking to others about their losses,

is that Gracenotes create the sense of completeness,

裝飾心語能讓人感到完整、

contentedness and calm.

滿足，以及平靜。

I vividly recall the last night my dad was alive.

我爸爸在世的最後一晚 依然歷歷在目。

By then he was unconscious, and everyone else had gone to bed.

那時他已經沒有意識， 其他人都去睡覺了。

I sat with him with my hand softly on his.

我坐在他旁邊，把我的手 輕柔地放在他的手上。

And on this unrepeatable night,

在這永遠不會再有的一夜，

I didn't have to worry about trying to find the words

我不用擔心還得要

傷腦筋用什麼話 來告訴他他對我的意義，

to tell him all that he'd meant to me

and only hope that he could hear what I said.

並期望他能聽到我說的。

Instead, I could be present to his dying.

反之，我可以參與他的離世，

I could affirm that if this was his time to move on,

我可以確信，如果 該是他走的時候了，

that was OK.

也沒有關係。

I could love him with presence and with touch,

我可以用陪伴和觸碰的方式來愛他，

knowing full well that my Gracenote those many years earlier

非常清楚知道我

多年前寫的裝飾心語一直

had been a sincere and thorough rendering of his life well lived.

真誠地、完整地 描繪出他美滿的人生。

Ever since, I've felt very little regret.

從那之後，我幾乎沒有後悔。

And I know it's because I shared my full heart with him

我知道那是因為我在 尚未太遲時就先和他分享了

before it was too late.

我的所有心意。

So I hope, I deeply hope,

所以，我希望，我深切希望，

that you don't know anyone who's actively dying.

你沒有認識正走在 人生最後階段的人。

But given the times we're in, that may well not be the case.

但在我們這個時代，

可能無法如願。

No matter what,

不論如何，

I encourage you to just look around.

我鼓勵各位多看看周遭，

People everywhere are dying to be seen and heard,

到處都有人渴望被看見、聽見，

to know how they matter.

想知道他們有什麼重要性。

They're dying to get your Gracenote.

他們渴望得到你的裝飾心語。

So that is my death wish.

那就是我的遺願。

That you see how your note, no matter what form it takes,

希望各位能了解你們的心語， 不論用什麼形式呈現，

is like an oasis in a desert of people

能為渴望知道自己造成不同的人，

who are thirsty to know they're making a difference.

為成沙漠中的綠洲。

Like my dad said,

如我爸爸所言，

it's better than having a eulogy read over a casket.

這比對著棺材讀悼文好。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）