The Difference Between False Empathy and True Support | Chezare A. Warren | TED

翻译人员: Yangmin Xiao 校对人员: Yanyan Hong

Has anybody else been wearing glasses your entire life?

除了我，还有人一生都戴着眼镜吗？

OK.

好吧。

And if not you, perhaps you know someone who has.

如果你不戴眼镜， 你或许认识戴眼镜的人，

Like, I cannot remember a time when I did not have these things, right?

我都记不起我有不戴眼镜的时候，好吗？

Exhibit A.

证据 A。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then -- ain't he cute?

而且——他是不是很可爱？

And then I remember turning 25 many moons ago,

我记得我马上要 25 岁的时候，

and I had this fabulous birthday party being planned, right?

我计划了一个精彩的生日派对。

Chicago, penthouse on a lake.

芝加哥，湖边的顶层公寓。

It was going to be gorgeous.

我设想它应该是华丽的。

And this is from that photo shoot.

这是那次拍摄的照片。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You had to have a photo shoot.

你必需得拍照啊！

So I ordered these contacts

我订购了隐形眼镜，

because, you know, I'm going without glasses,

因为，你知道，我不想戴着眼镜去。

but the contacts never come.

但是隐形眼镜没有到，

So I show up to the party, no contacts, no glasses.

所以我没戴隐形眼镜 或者眼镜就去参加派对了。

I can't see a doggone thing.

我什么都看不见。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

A for effort, but it was definitely a failed mission.

我努力了，但这绝对是一次失败的任务。

Nonetheless, here I am in my 40s

尽管如此，现在我已经 40 多岁了，

with my stylish but indispensable Coke bottles,

仍然佩戴着我时尚且不可或缺的 “可乐瓶底”似的眼镜。

helping me to see clearly

因为这样我才能看得清楚，

so that I'm not a danger to myself or anybody else.

不会给自己和他人带来危险。

Beyond wanting to share a picture of me as an adorable child

除了想分享我小时候可爱的照片，

or reminisce on my youth gone by,

回忆一下我的青春岁月以外，

all this talk about seeing reminds me of a very widely known

所有这些关于“看见”的话题都让 我想到了一个广为人知，

but misunderstood concept: empathy.

但又常被误解的概念：共情。

See, I've been studying empathy for the last 15 years.

在过去的 15 年里，我一直在研究共情。

And at its core, empathy is how we see plus what we see.

共情的核心 是我们如何看加上我们看到的。

How we see is rooted in our personal experience.

我们如何看植根于我们的亲身经历。

It's subjective.

这是主观的。

What we see is more objective.

我们看到的更为客观。

It is a physical observation of a moment, a circumstance,

它是对某一时刻，一种情况，

a condition that invites us to act in some particular way.

一种状态的物理观察，促使我们 以某种特定的方式采取行动。

How we see, on the contrary,

相反，我们如何看

is more rooted in our personal beliefs and our value system,

更多地植根于我们的个人信仰和价值体系，

and perhaps our technical knowledge,

也许还有我们的技术知识。

all of which may vary from person to person.

所有这些都可能因人而异。

I've learned over the years

这些年来，我了解到

that earnest attempts at doing empathy the right way

即便认真尝试以正确的方式表达共情，

can still land us in the wrong place.

仍然会使我们陷入错误的境地。

While working on my PhD,

在我攻读博士学位期间，

I was a full-time eighth grade math teacher

我曾在芝加哥南区

on the South Side of Chicago.

当过八年级的全职数学老师。

So I would teach all day,

所以我会整天教书，

I would go to class and I would study all night.

白天去教课，晚上接着学。

Zero out of ten, do not recommend.

十分打零分，完全不推荐这样拼命。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I was always tired.

我一直很累。

Anyway, I remember my first semester of graduate school

记得我读研究生的第一学期上过一堂课。

taking a class and reading a paper

我读了一篇论文，

called "The Political is Personal" by Eileen O'Brien.

是艾琳·奥布赖恩（Eileen O’Brien）写的 《政治是个人的》。

In the paper, O'Brien describes white anti-racists

论文中， 奥布莱恩描述了白人反种族主义者

who have a really difficult time building relationships

很难与他们想要帮助的

with the people of color that they aim to help.

有色人种建立关系。

O'Brien insists that white folks and people of color

奥布莱恩坚持认为 美国的白人和有色人种

in the United States are separated by this wide perception gap.

被这种巨大的认知差距隔开。

So white folks sort of think about racism as ending in 1960s

白人认为种族主义在 1960 年代结束了，

and therefore see people of color as complaining and overreacting.

因此认为有色人种爱抱怨和反应过度。

But people of color see continued racial discrimination.

但是有色人种看到持续的种族歧视。

O'Brien is helping the reader to notice a fundamental divergence in perspective

奥布莱恩帮助读者注意到 观点上的根本分歧。

that she describes as false empathy,

她将其描述为虚假的共情，

borrowing from heralded legal scholar Richard Delgado.

借鉴了著名法律学者理查德·德尔加多 （Richard Delgado）的理论。

Essentially, false empathy is the failure of the empathizer

从本质上讲， 虚假的共情是指共情者未能

to see eye-to-eye with the individual for whom they aim to empathize.

与他们想要共情的个体达成共识。

These white anti-racists really thought of themselves

这些白人反种族主义者确实相信，

as more empathetic than they really were.

自己比实际情况更善解人意。

In fact, the people of color they aimed to help

实际上，他们想要帮助的有色人种

did not receive their benevolence and charity as help at all.

完全没有将 得到他们的仁慈和慈善看作帮助。

And in turn, these white anti-racists developed feelings of discontent

反过来，这些白人反种族主义者 产生了不满

and frustration

和沮丧的情绪。

that O'Brien then describes as evidence of their false empathy.

奥布莱恩将其描述为他们虚假共情的证据。

Now, I remember reading that paper and thinking

现在，我记得我读过那篇文章时，

a lot about my white colleagues who I taught with at the time in Chicago.

想起当时在芝加哥 和我一起教书的白人同事。

According to the National Center for Education Statistics,

根据国家教育统计中心的数据，

white folks make up about 80 percent of the teacher workforce,

白人约占教师队伍的 80％，

while US student populations become increasingly diverse.

而美国的学生群体变得越来越多样化。

Less than 50 percent of all K-12 students are being identified as white.

在所有 K-12 学生中， 只有不到 50％ 被认定为是白人。

This really made me wonder if empathy, or perhaps false empathy,

这真的让我想知道共情 或者可能是虚假的共情

could explain why my colleagues had such a difficult time

能否解释为什么我的同事难以 与他们的黑人学生

building positive,

建立一种积极

substantive relationships with their Black students.

和实质性的关系。

I watched as Black boys,

我看着那些黑人男孩，

who needed more patience and more care,

当他们需要更多耐心和更多关怀的时候，

be mislabeled as disengaged and disinterested learners.

被错误地贴上了 冷漠和缺乏兴趣的学生的标签。

Now a young person who refuses to take off their headphones,

现在，当一个年轻人拒绝摘下耳机，

that's what we see.

这就是我们所看到的。

Making sense of the reasons why

理解原因

is how we see.

就是我们如何看。

We need both to drive what we do,

我们需要两者 来共同推动我们所做的事情，

because empathy is best expressed in the doing.

因为共情最能在行动中表达。

Like the white anti-racist in the O'Brien study,

就像奥布莱恩研究中的 白人反种族主义者一样，

these teachers relationships tended to be fragile at best,

这些教师建立的关系 最多只能说是脆弱的，

and too often nonexistent

往往是根本不存在的。

with a group of kids who desperately needed positive adult interactions.

对于一群迫切需要 积极与成人互动的孩子来说。

Now, I’m talking about education.

现在，我要谈教育。

But all of us, no matter what your industry,

但是我们所有人， 无论你从事什么行业，

on a quest to become a good and kind human being,

在寻求成为一个善良的人时，

must stop to notice if false empathy is driving our interactions

必须停下来思考虚假的共情 是否在推动我们

with diverse others.

与他人的互动。

OK, so I have to give you a few examples.

好的，所以我得给你举几个例子。

False empathy is thinking you know more about other people's problems

虚假的共情是认为你比他人

than they do.

更加了解他自己的问题。

It’s like meeting somebody from Flint, Michigan and saying,

就像在你遇见来自 密歇根州弗林特的人，对他说

"Oh my God, I know what it's like not to have something you need"

“天啊，我知道 没有你需要的东西是什么感觉。”

when you've never been without clean water.

但你从来没有经历过没有干净水的情况。

Not having something you need

没有你需要的东西

is not exactly the same thing as not having clean water.

和没有干净的水并不完全一样。

False empathy is like putting on your superhero cape.

虚假的共情就像穿上你的超级英雄斗篷。

We see somebody in pain, we rush into action,

我们看到有人痛苦的样子， 我们急忙采取行动。

shrouded in the spectacle of it all,

迷失在这一切的景象中，

without ever stopping to query the source of their distress.

却没有停下来询问他们痛苦的根源。

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

我讨厌成为传播坏消息的人，

but sometimes saving them

但有时候拯救他们，

may be more about you than it is about them.

可能更多是为了你的自我满足 而不是为了他们。

And false empathy is egotistical.

虚假的共情是自负的。

It is self-centered.

它是以自我为中心。

I love crab legs.

我喜欢蟹腿。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Can I just be honest?

我能说实话吗？

I love seafood.

我喜欢海鲜。

But false empathy is thinking I'm doing a really good thing

但是错误的共情是认为 我做了一件非常好的事情，

by going to my favorite restaurant

去我最喜欢的餐厅，

and getting a pound of juicy crab legs

买一磅多汁的蟹腿，

to take to a partner who has a shellfish allergy.

然后送给一个对贝类过敏的伴侣。

Or buying an expensive gift for a child

或者买一件昂贵的礼物送给一个孩子，

who would much rather have your attention on the couch after a long day.

但他更希望你能在漫长的一天之后 在沙发上给他你的关注。

I could go on, but what I'm trying to say

我可以接着说，但我想说的是，

is that false empathy represents a conflict in perspective,

虚假的共情代表着角度上的冲突，

and an earnest intention at anti-racism

而真诚的反种族主义

and helping others

和帮助他人的意图

does not guarantee that your action will lead to the intended outcome,

不能保证你的行动会带来预期的结果，

or that we will achieve the relationships

也不能保证我们会建立所需的关系，

that we all need to thrive.

让自己发展。

I've learned in my research with teachers

我在我的研究中发现，

who demonstrate evidence of empathy with Black boys

那些表现出对黑人男孩共情的老师，

that they don't wake up every day aiming to be empathetic.

他们不是每天醒来为了表现共情。

They try things, they fail, and they make mistakes.

他们做了一些尝试， 他们失败，他们犯错误。

They exercise humility and they try something else.

他们表现出谦卑的心态 并尝试其他方法。

Some researchers might refer to that as perspective taking,

一些研究人员可能将其称为换位思考，

which is the ability to spontaneously adopt

那是一种自发地采纳

the psychological point of view of others.

他人心理观点的能力。

So we know that perspective taking

因此，我们知道换位思考可以

substantially improves student-teacher relationships.

极大地改善学生与老师的关系。

That Black boys, who are otherwise cast aside,

这些黑人男孩本来会被抛在一边，

feel seen and heard in classrooms

但他们感到被人看见和听见。

where there is evidence of perspective taking,

这就是换位思考的证据。

in part because their teachers take a lot of care

部分原因是他们的老师非常谨慎地

to develop innovative and proactive solutions to their problems.

为他们的问题制定了 创新和积极的解决方案。

We know that perspective taking

我们知道，换位思考

can reduce instances of exclusionary discipline,

可以减少排斥性纪律情况的发生。

which is an issue that is particularly salient for Black kids.

这是一个对黑人孩子来说 是尤其突出的问题。

And we know that empathy training can reduce implicit bias.

我们知道共情训练可以减少隐性偏见。

So imagine for a second

想象一下，

you come across someone who appears to be sad

你遇到一个看上去很悲伤的人，

and you want to offer them some support,

你想为他们提供一些支持。

or you have a friend who approaches you for advice

或者你有一个朋友，向你寻求

on an issue for which you have some familiarity.

有关你熟悉的问题的建议。

If you want to avoid false empathy, perhaps you start by stopping.

如果你想避免虚假的共情， 也许你可以从停下来开始。

Stop to observe the moment, right?

停下来观察这一刻，对吧？

Empathy requires heightened sensitivity to our ego.

共情需要增强对自我的敏感度。

We all have an ego.

我们都有自我。

We just don't want that ego over determining how we see.

我们只是不想 让这种自我决定我们如何看。

So we have to learn to decenter ourselves as we listen.

因此，我们在倾听时必须 学会分离我们的自我。

Listening is an art.

倾听是一门艺术。

It's a discipline, but it's also an act of perspective taking.

这是一门学科， 但也是换位思考的行为。

We listen so that we can ask meaningful questions,

我们倾听，这样我们就可以 提出有意义的问题，

engage in discourse,

参与交流，

exercise humility and simply be present.

练习谦逊和单纯陪伴。

We cannot do empathy without perspective taking.

没有换位思考，我们就无法实现共情。

And finally, we have to do something.

最后，我们必须做点什么。

We have to act.

我们必须采取行动。

But we should not expect that just because we acted

但是我们不应该 仅仅因为我们采取行动，

that it's going to be the right thing.

就指望这将是正确的事情。

The feedback we get from that action

我们从该行动中获得的反馈

should drive our subsequent interactions.

应该推动我们随后的互动。

On the journey to understanding and interpretation,

在理解和解释的旅程中，

it's a lot like our natural eyes.

它很像我们的眼睛。

It grows with time.

它会随着时间而增长。

As I grow older, my eyes evolve.

随着年龄的增长， 我的眼睛会发生改变。

That's what we'll call it.

我们就是这样称呼它。

They evolve.

它们在发生改变。

And so I have to go, and I have to see the optometrist,

所以我得走了，我得去看验光师。

and I sit in front of that contraption

我坐在那个装置前面，

as they move the different lenses to check the clarity of my sight.

他们移动不同的镜头 来检查我的视觉清晰度。

They're doing that because they want to make sure

他们之所以这样做，是因为他们想确保，

that how and what I see helps me to act

我看的方式和所见能够帮助我的行动。

in a way that will make the world a better place

通过我的行动，

as I move through it.

让世界更美好。

Empathy is a lot like that prescription.

共情很像那个处方。

So the next time you want to help,

所以，下次你想提供帮助，

you want to heal,

想要治愈，

you want to support or simply show up for someone,

想要支持或着单纯陪在某人身边时，

try to make sure you're seeing with the right eyes.

尽量确保你用正确的眼睛看。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）