Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser | Baron Ryan | TED

翻译人员: Sue Lu 校对人员: Lening Xu

I heard a good one today.

我今天听到一个绝妙的故事。

A chicken, a doctor and a lawyer all walk into a bar,

一只鸡和一个医生、 一名律师同时走进一家酒吧，

and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

调酒师问： “怎么回事，你们在开玩笑吗？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I can't sleep.

我老睡不着。

I don't know about you,

我不知道你们怎么样，

but those melatonin gummies, they don't work.

反正褪黑素软糖对我不起作用。

I told my doctor I talk to myself,

我告诉医生我常自言自语，

and she asked me what I talk to myself about.

她问我自言自语些什么。

And to be honest, I don't know.

说实话，我也不知道。

I never hear myself.

我从来没听见自己讲什么。

What was that? Nothing.

那是什么？没什么。

No, I said something.

不对，我说了些什么吧。

No I didn't. I could have sworn I did.

不会，没有。 我可以发誓我一定说了。

Well whatever I said, I wasn’t listening, so forget it.

好吧，不管我说了什么， 我都没听见，那算了吧。

You know, you get to a point in the evening,

你知道，到了晚上某个时候，

well, in your life, really,

其实，是到了人生中的某个阶段，

when you can't sleep your problems away.

你再也无法逃避所面临的问题。

You know?

明白吗？

You're trapped in this skin suit. Stuck being you.

你被困在这肉身里， 不得不做所谓的“你”。

I'm stuck being that guy. Yeah.

我就是那个被困住的人。

I'm in a toxic relationship with that guy,

我和那个人的关系很糟，

and I really ought to break up with him.

我真的该和他分手。

But, you know, you need a lot of self-respect

但你知道的，得有很强的自尊，

to go through with a breakup.

才能下定决心分手。

I'm in a bit of self-respect debt right now.

我现在比较缺乏自尊心，

See, I'm what you would call a serial people pleaser.

是所谓的“持续讨好他人” 者。

I live to please anybody but myself.

我活着只是为了讨好他人。

I have this insufferable need to be liked, and I've done the analysis.

我有种很烦人的需求—— 想要被人喜欢——为此我做了分析。

I think it's a survival instinct to be liked.

我认为想要被人喜欢 是一种生存本能。

See, if you don't like me, I will die.

如果你不喜欢我，我会死掉。

And that is what all of this leads to.

那就是所有这一切的归结。

You know?

明白吗？

See, belonging and being liked,

你看，归属感和被人喜欢，

it feels good because it feels like surviving.

让人感觉很好， 因为感觉就像劫后余生一样。

You know, I developed this sense of death and belonging as a kid.

我从小就有这种死亡感和归属感。

Because if I didn't win someone's approval,

因为如果我没有赢得别人的认可，

I wouldn't be fed.

我就不会被喂饱，

I wouldn't be hugged. I wouldn't be comfortable.

不会得到拥抱，不会过得舒服的。

And if I didn't have those things, I died.

如果没有这些，我就死掉了。

You know, if I didn't stop crying, I died.

如果我不停止哭泣，我也会死。

If I --

如果我 ——

If I said no, I die.

如果我说了不可以，我就会死。

You know, giving your life away to the whims and approval of other people,

把自己的人生交给 他人的心血来潮和认可来左右，

it never looks like much.

似乎并没什么大不了。

It happens very slowly.

它发生得非常缓慢。

Sure. Absolutely. Fine.

当然。绝对可以。很好。

No worries.

不用担心。

No. That's OK. Ignore me, I agree.

没关系。不用管我，我同意。

I'm fine. Nothing's wrong.

我很好。没问题的。

I'm fine.

我很好。

You know, the irony of a people pleaser is that people hate him.

可笑之处在于， 人们厌恶喜欢讨好的人。

No one likes a guy with no spine.

没人会喜欢没有骨气的人。

I mean, we're not pleasing anybody.

我是说，我们其实谁也没取悦到。

And how could I like myself if I don't even respect myself?

如果我不尊重自己， 我怎么能喜欢自己呢？

You know, if you think one people pleaser is bad,

如果你认为一个 讨好型的人很糟糕，

try getting two people pleasers alone in the same room.

试试让两个讨好型的人 单独待在一个房间里。

It's like, "Oh, would you like some coffee?"

就像是，“哦，你想喝点咖啡吗？”

"Are you making some anyway?"

“反正你也要准备一些是吧？”

"Well, only if you'd like some."

“嗯，除非是你想要喝。”

"I'd only have some if you're having some."

“如果你要喝，我就也来一杯。”

"If you're having some, then I'll join you."

“如果你要喝，我就和你一起喝。”

"But are you having some apart from me?

“但是没有我，你自己也会喝吗？

If I weren’t here, would you still have some?”

如果我不在这儿，你也会喝吗？”

"No. But since you are here, I'll make some."

“不会。但既然你在这里， 我就做两杯吧。”

"I don't want you to go out of your way."

“我不想让你太麻烦了。”

“It’s really no trouble at all. Unless you don’t want me to make any.”

“这真的不麻烦。 除非你不想让我做。”

“I would like you to not make any if you don’t want to make any.”

“如果你不想做，就千万别做。”

"So what do you want again?"

“那你到底想要什么？”

"Whatever you want."

“随你。”

"Well, whatever you want is fine with me."

“嗯，随你，我怎么都行。”

“Whatever you want is fine with me. What do you want me to want?”

“我也随你。你想我怎么做？”

"I want you to want something

“我希望你想要一些

that I will happen to want by coincidence."

我碰巧想也想要的东西。”

“Which is what?”

“那是什么？”

“Whatever you want.”

“随你。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You know why it's so --

你知道为什么会这样 ——

You know why it's so tempting to submit and give your life away?

为什么顺从并让自己的人生 由他人来左右如此诱人吗？

It's easy.

很简单。

It's so much easier when someone else tells you how to eat, how to love,

你的人生会轻松很多， 如果让别人告诉你如何吃、如何爱、

how to think, how to spend your time.

如何思考、如何打发时日。

I mean, there's nothing to it.

我是说，没什么大不了的。

You just put on your seat belt and off you go,

你只要系上安全带， 然后出发，

watching your life go by from the passenger seat.

从乘客座上看着自己人生的流逝。

You give up your whole personality just to be liked.

你为了被人喜欢 而放弃了自己的全部个性。

And what are you left with?

那你还剩下什么？

Just another joke.

只是又一个笑柄。

You people-please to survive

你取悦他人是为了活下去，

only to survive into a life that's not even your own.

却活在了甚至不是你自己的人生里。

How's that for a punch line?

那有多可笑？

I know I have to do this.

我知道我必须这样做。

I know I have to break up.

我知道我必须分手。

I know I have to let go of ...

我知道我得放手...

that guy.

让那个家伙离开。

God.

老天。

Why can't I just go back to sleep and avoid my problems

为什么我不能回去睡觉 避开我的问题，

like I always do?

就像以前一样？

Why won't those melatonin gummies work?

为什么那些褪黑素软糖不起作用了？

(Video) (Sighs)

（视频）（叹气）

Can't sleep, huh?

（视频）睡不着，对吧？

You know, I heard a good one today.

我今天听到一个有意思的故事。

A guy, he’s been seeing this matchmaker for 10 years now.

一个男人找这个媒人相亲十年了。

And one day he meets with her,

有一天他去见她，说：

and he says, "You know, after years of disliking the way I look,

“多年来我一直不喜欢自己的样子，

I realize I'm not ugly.

现在终于意识到我并不丑。

I'm just not my type."

我只是不是自己喜欢的类型。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

BR: Baron, sit down.

BR：巴伦，坐下。

(Video) Where?

（视频）坐哪里？

BR: Oh.

BR：哦。

We need to talk.

我们需要谈谈。

(Video) What about?

（视频）谈什么？

BR: About our future together.

BR：谈谈我们的未来。

(Video) What about our future together?

（视频）我们未来什么？

BR: Well, that's the thing. There isn't one. I can't do this anymore.

BR：嗯，就是。 没有未来了。我不能再这样了。

(Video) What are you talking about?

（视频）你到底在说什么？

BR: I mean, I can't do this anymore.

BR：我是说，我不能再这样了。

This relationship.

这种关系。

We're done.

我们完了。

(Video) Well, that's going to be a bit impossible.

（视频）嗯，这不太可能。

BR: I know this is a lot to hear, but -- Impossible? Why do you say that?

BR：我知道这很难接受，但是 — 不可能？你为什么这么说？

(Video) Because you're talking to yourself.

（视频）因为你在自言自语。

BR: Well, I don't care. All right?

BR：嗯，我不在乎。好吧？

I don't want to be in this relationship anymore.

我不想再有这种关系了。

And that's just the way I feel about it, OK?

这就是我的感受，好吧？

(Video) The way you feel about it?

（视频）你的感受？

You're talking to yourself here.

你在这里自言自语。

BR: Baron, I just don't love you anymore.

BR：巴伦，我只是不再爱你了。

(Video) You never loved yourself.

（视频）你从来就没有爱过自己，

That's why you wanted to be liked by everybody.

所以你想被所有人喜欢。

You thought if no one could love you, at least they could like you.

你以为如果没人能爱你， 至少他们能喜欢你。

BR: Don't change the subject. You always do that.

BR：不要转换话题，你总是这样。

(Video) You mean you always do that.

（视频）你是说你总是那样。

BR: Don't pin the blame on me now.

BR：、不要总把责任归咎于我，

At least take some responsibility for what you've done here.

至少也为你的行为承担一些责任。

(Video) What I've done to whom?

（视频）我对谁做了什么？

BR: To me.

BR：对我。

(Video) I am you.

（视频）我就是你。

BR: I'm nothing like you.

BR：我一点也不像你。

(Video) Oh, yeah?

（视频）哦，是吗？

Who are you talking to, then? What do you see here?

那你在和谁说话？ 你在这里看到了什么？

BR: I see a guy who's been taking steps back

BR：我看到一个人从出生那天起

since the day he was born.

就一直在向后退步走。

And I can't do it anymore, I tell you.

我告诉你，我不能再这样下去了，

It's become too much.

我受不了了。

I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just background.

我都不再是个人了，只是背景而已。

(Sighs)

（叹气）

I betrayed my whole damn self.

我背叛了整个该死的自我。

And for what? For nothing!

为了什么？一无所获！

So I could be liked by people I don't even like myself?

这样就能被人喜欢？ 但我都不喜欢自己。

Surely life can't be all this.

生活当然不可能就是如此。

I can't even logically explain how I let my life get to this.

我甚至无法从逻辑上解释 我如何让自己的人生变成这样的。

I'm me.

我就是我。

I belong to me.

我属于我。

I'm not what you or her or what anyone else said I was.

我不是你或她 或者其他人说的那样。

You know your problem?

你知道你的问题吗？

Our problem.

我们的问题。

You never wanted to be the villain.

你从来不想成为反派。

You always wanted to be the hero, the good guy.

你总想成为英雄，正派。

Let me tell you,

让我告诉你，

you're no hero to anybody

你对任何人来说都不是英雄，

if you're trying to be a hero to everybody.

如果你想成为所有人的英雄的话。

(Video) You know, people yelled at us as a kid.

（视频）小时候， 大人们总是对我们大喊大叫，

I couldn't take it.

我会受不了，

I wanted to make it go away.

只想让这一切消失，

And it wouldn’t go away

但是不行，

unless I just agreed and went along with it.

除非我同意向现实妥协。

BR: I know.

BR：我知道，

And I felt so safe being that way.

这样就感觉很安全。

But I think I have to let go of what makes me feel safe now.

但我觉得现在必须放弃 那些让我感到安全的东西。

(Video) I guess so.

（视频）我猜是这样的。

Want to hear a closer?

想听听故事的结尾吗？

BR: Sure.

BR：当然。

(Video) A chicken, a doctor and a lawyer all walk into a bar,

（视频）一只鸡、一个医生 和一名律师一起走进酒吧。

and the bartender says,

调酒师说：

"What is this, some kind of joke?"

“怎么回事，你们在开玩笑吗？”

And the chicken says,

小鸡说：

"Well, hell, man,

“嗯，见鬼，伙计，

what is it?"

你什么意思？”

Good night, Baron.

晚安，巴伦。

BR: Good night, Baron.

BR：晚安，巴伦。

(Video) I love you.

（视频）我爱你。

BR: I love you too.

BR: 我也爱你。

I love you too.

我也爱你。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Thank you.

谢谢。