Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser | Baron Ryan | TED

I heard a good one today.

A chicken, a doctor and a lawyer all walk into a bar,

and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

(Laughter)

I can't sleep.

I don't know about you,

but those melatonin gummies, they don't work.

I told my doctor I talk to myself,

and she asked me what I talk to myself about.

And to be honest, I don't know.

I never hear myself.

What was that? Nothing.

No, I said something.

No I didn't. I could have sworn I did.

Well whatever I said, I wasn’t listening, so forget it.

You know, you get to a point in the evening,

well, in your life, really,

when you can't sleep your problems away.

You know?

You're trapped in this skin suit. Stuck being you.

I'm stuck being that guy. Yeah.

I'm in a toxic relationship with that guy,

and I really ought to break up with him.

But, you know, you need a lot of self-respect

to go through with a breakup.

I'm in a bit of self-respect debt right now.

See, I'm what you would call a serial people pleaser.

I live to please anybody but myself.

I have this insufferable need to be liked, and I've done the analysis.

I think it's a survival instinct to be liked.

See, if you don't like me, I will die.

And that is what all of this leads to.

You know?

See, belonging and being liked,

it feels good because it feels like surviving.

You know, I developed this sense of death and belonging as a kid.

Because if I didn't win someone's approval,

I wouldn't be fed.

I wouldn't be hugged. I wouldn't be comfortable.

And if I didn't have those things, I died.

You know, if I didn't stop crying, I died.

If I --

If I said no, I die.

You know, giving your life away to the whims and approval of other people,

it never looks like much.

It happens very slowly.

Sure. Absolutely. Fine.

No worries.

No. That's OK. Ignore me, I agree.

I'm fine. Nothing's wrong.

I'm fine.

You know, the irony of a people pleaser is that people hate him.

No one likes a guy with no spine.

I mean, we're not pleasing anybody.

And how could I like myself if I don't even respect myself?

You know, if you think one people pleaser is bad,

try getting two people pleasers alone in the same room.

It's like, "Oh, would you like some coffee?"

"Are you making some anyway?"

"Well, only if you'd like some."

"I'd only have some if you're having some."

"If you're having some, then I'll join you."

"But are you having some apart from me?

If I weren’t here, would you still have some?”

"No. But since you are here, I'll make some."

"I don't want you to go out of your way."

“It’s really no trouble at all. Unless you don’t want me to make any.”

“I would like you to not make any if you don’t want to make any.”

"So what do you want again?"

"Whatever you want."

"Well, whatever you want is fine with me."

“Whatever you want is fine with me. What do you want me to want?”

"I want you to want something

that I will happen to want by coincidence."

“Which is what?”

“Whatever you want.”

(Laughter)

You know why it's so --

You know why it's so tempting to submit and give your life away?

It's easy.

It's so much easier when someone else tells you how to eat, how to love,

how to think, how to spend your time.

I mean, there's nothing to it.

You just put on your seat belt and off you go,

watching your life go by from the passenger seat.

You give up your whole personality just to be liked.

And what are you left with?

Just another joke.

You people-please to survive

only to survive into a life that's not even your own.

How's that for a punch line?

I know I have to do this.

I know I have to break up.

I know I have to let go of ...

that guy.

God.

Why can't I just go back to sleep and avoid my problems

like I always do?

Why won't those melatonin gummies work?

(Video) (Sighs)

Can't sleep, huh?

You know, I heard a good one today.

A guy, he’s been seeing this matchmaker for 10 years now.

And one day he meets with her,

and he says, "You know, after years of disliking the way I look,

I realize I'm not ugly.

I'm just not my type."

(Laughter)

BR: Baron, sit down.

(Video) Where?

BR: Oh.

We need to talk.

(Video) What about?

BR: About our future together.

(Video) What about our future together?

BR: Well, that's the thing. There isn't one. I can't do this anymore.

(Video) What are you talking about?

BR: I mean, I can't do this anymore.

This relationship.

We're done.

(Video) Well, that's going to be a bit impossible.

BR: I know this is a lot to hear, but -- Impossible? Why do you say that?

(Video) Because you're talking to yourself.

BR: Well, I don't care. All right?

I don't want to be in this relationship anymore.

And that's just the way I feel about it, OK?

(Video) The way you feel about it?

You're talking to yourself here.

BR: Baron, I just don't love you anymore.

(Video) You never loved yourself.

That's why you wanted to be liked by everybody.

You thought if no one could love you, at least they could like you.

BR: Don't change the subject. You always do that.

(Video) You mean you always do that.

BR: Don't pin the blame on me now.

At least take some responsibility for what you've done here.

(Video) What I've done to whom?

BR: To me.

(Video) I am you.

BR: I'm nothing like you.

(Video) Oh, yeah?

Who are you talking to, then? What do you see here?

BR: I see a guy who's been taking steps back

since the day he was born.

And I can't do it anymore, I tell you.

It's become too much.

I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just background.

(Sighs)

I betrayed my whole damn self.

And for what? For nothing!

So I could be liked by people I don't even like myself?

Surely life can't be all this.

I can't even logically explain how I let my life get to this.

I'm me.

I belong to me.

I'm not what you or her or what anyone else said I was.

You know your problem?

Our problem.

You never wanted to be the villain.

You always wanted to be the hero, the good guy.

Let me tell you,

you're no hero to anybody

if you're trying to be a hero to everybody.

(Video) You know, people yelled at us as a kid.

I couldn't take it.

I wanted to make it go away.

And it wouldn’t go away

unless I just agreed and went along with it.

BR: I know.

And I felt so safe being that way.

But I think I have to let go of what makes me feel safe now.

(Video) I guess so.

Want to hear a closer?

BR: Sure.

(Video) A chicken, a doctor and a lawyer all walk into a bar,

and the bartender says,

"What is this, some kind of joke?"

And the chicken says,

"Well, hell, man,

what is it?"

Good night, Baron.

BR: Good night, Baron.

(Video) I love you.

BR: I love you too.

I love you too.

(Applause)

Thank you.