A Sex Therapist's Secret to Rediscovering Your Spark | Ian Kerner | TED

翻译人员: Tiantian Yang 校对人员: Yip Yan Yeung

So having a sex problem is like having a toothache.

性事有问题就跟牙痛一样。

By the time you get to the dentist, or to me, a sex therapist,

牙痛找牙医，如果性事有问题 就来找我，一个性治疗师。

you just want to get out of pain.

你只是想摆脱痛苦而已。

But what we just went through with COVID, that was like a sexual root canal.

我们刚经历的新冠疫情， 简直就是性问题的根源。

I mean, we spent months not changing out of our pajamas.

我是说，咱们好几个月 都没换过睡衣了。

And sometimes not showering.

有时候澡都没洗过。

No wonder so many of us lost our libidos.

更别说好多人连性欲都没了。

It's not that we're not sexual people.

意思不是说我们都连 性繁殖属性都没了。

We want to want sex.

我们想要渴望性生活。

We just don't want it.

我们现在连想都不想了。

In my work with couples,

我在工作中认识很多伴侣，

one of the biggest problems I see

我见过其中最大的问题之一就是

is that sex often stalls out before it even gets started.

性行为还没开始就结束了。

There’s a “failure to launch,”

属于“启动失败”，

an inability to get going and gain momentum.

一种无法开始与推进的状态。

For example, one of my patients shuts down

比如，我有一个病人在

as soon as her partner starts to kiss her.

她的伴侣刚开始亲她的 时候就停止营业了。

Turns out, her boyfriend in the eighth grade

结果，她那个八年级的男朋友

told her she had bad breath.

告诉她，她有口臭。

Another patient of mine is terrified of losing his erection,

另外一个病人对于 勃起之后软掉感到恐惧，

so much so that he avoids any situation that could possibly lead to sex.

所以他尽量避免任何 可能要发生性爱的场合。

But he tells his partner he has no desire,

但是他只跟他的伴侣说他没有性欲，

and he blames it on work stress.

还全都怪在工作压力上。

Meanwhile, he's filled with longing.

与此同时，他其实很想要。

He just doesn't dare show it.

他只是不好意思表现出来。

And so his partner feels confused and unattractive.

所以他的伴侣搞不明白， 认为肯定是自己缺乏吸引力。

For some of us, there just isn't room in our busy lives

我们有的人，生活忙碌到没有

for sexual energy to emerge.

释放性能量的空间。

There isn’t what I call the “erotic thread” between sexual events,

我不是在说一次次性事之间 存在的“性欲缠绵”，

those moments when we can express desire or feel desire,

我说的是在那些时刻 我们可以表达和感受到欲望，

pivot in and out of a quick sexual charge just for the heck of it.

直奔主题速战速决地就像 闹着玩一样地来上一发。

So, you know, it's no surprise

所以，你懂的， 这种事情没什么好惊讶的，

that by the time we actually do get around to finally having sex,

每次我们终于做好了万事俱备 只欠东风的准备打算来一次的时候，

too often it can feel reduced

经常都会发现这件本激情满满的事情

to a mundane series of predictable behaviors,

退化成了那些可预见 行为中的乏味一环，

stale and drained of erotic life.

让人心生腻味同时也对于 色色的事情开始厌倦。

So why even bother?

所以管他干啥呢？

Whenever the issue is a failure to launch,

当问题属于启动失败的时候，

what we really need is a new way in,

我们需要的是找到新的开始方式，

what I call an arousal runway.

我管这个叫欲望跑道。

And I firmly believe that that runway

我坚信这条跑道

needs to be in the form of psychological arousal,

必须得用心理刺激的方法，

not just physical.

而不仅仅是生理上的。

For example, we know that some women can fantasize their way to orgasm

比如，我们知道有些女人会做 关于性高潮的白日梦，

without ever touching themselves.

而且是没有任何异性 肌肤相亲的情况下哦。

And men -- well, men can just look at something sexy

男人呢——嗯，男人， 只要看点有颜色的东西

or think about something sexy

或者想点有颜色的东西

and start to get a strong physical reaction.

就会出现强烈的生理反应。

That's the power of psychological arousal.

这就是心理激发欲望的力量。

So why aren't we sharing more of it with each other?

所以有这么棒的的催化剂 我们怎么不能互相分享一下呢？

Well, in the beginning of a relationship, we really don't need to.

对了，刚刚开始一段关系的时候 我们不需要这么做。

The newness itself is often its own form of psychological stimuli.

新鲜感本身就是一种心理刺激。

But as we go on,

但是当我们继续 投入这段关系的时候，

and as our sexual connection starts to lose its vitality,

性关系就开始失去活力了，

that's when we need to be more deliberate about engaging our erotic minds together.

这时候我们就需要着力于将我们 彼此对性事的想法投入到一起。

Otherwise, we might start to drift apart.

要不然我们就会渐行渐远。

We might start to fall into a sexless relationship.

我们可能会变成无性爱人。

Some of us might even start to cheat,

有的人还会开始劈腿，

which is the only way that many of us know to get back on that arousal runway.

我们许多人都把这个当成 回到性欲激情跑道的唯一方法。

I have rarely met a couple

我从来没有见过伴侣

that doesn't understand the importance of psychological arousal

不明白心理性刺激的重要性，

and doesn't want more of it in the bedroom,

甚至不想在床上多点这种刺激的，

but they often just don't know where to begin.

他们只是不知道怎么开始而已。

So I give homework assignments

所以我给大家布置了作业，

that emphasize two types of psychological arousal:

加强心理性刺激的两种方式：

face to face and side by side.

面对面和肩并肩。

Face to face is things like sharing a fantasy,

面对面就比如一起分享性幻想，

role-playing a sexy scenario,

色情场景下的角色扮演，

engaging in sexual role-play.

一起尝试性事中的角色扮演。

Activities that two people can do just between themselves

那种只有亲密的两个人才能

with only their imaginations.

用双方的性幻想去做的事情。

Well, that's easier said than done.

说起来容易做起来难。

With so much shame and inhibition around sex

关于性，人们总是害羞又拘谨。

that takes willingness,

这需要主观的意愿，

it takes vulnerability, and it takes courage.

有脆弱感，也有勇气的成分。

So I often suggest starting out with a side by side experience,

所以我一般建议从肩并肩开始，

something that's a little less pressured.

给人的压力要小得多。

Reading some literary erotica aloud together,

可以一起大声读点色情小说，

listening to a sexy podcast, watching ethical porn.

听点色情博客，看点伦理黄片。

That's the kind where the performers actually want to be there.

这些是男女双方更想做到的事。

Recently, I was working with a heterosexual couple

最近我在帮助一对异性恋情侣，

that needed an arousal boost.

他们需要性刺激来助力。

They were trying to get back into sex after having a baby.

在生下小宝宝之后 两个人试着重新开始性生活。

And she especially needed help tuning out the stressors

她特别需要有人帮她关上压力源

and getting into a sexual mindset.

同时转入性爱思维模式。

But as a breastfeeding mom, she felt totally touched out.

但她还是个哺乳期妈妈， 她感到根本投入无能。

So she loved the idea of psychological arousal.

所以她很喜欢心理性刺激这个做法。

She thought it would be a blast to watch porn together.

她觉得一起看成人片 肯定能让自己引爆一波。

She never did anything like that in her life.

以前她可从来没有做过这种事。

But for him, that was something private and off limits,

但是对他来说， 这就有点私密又紧张，

and he was worried that she was going to judge him based on his tastes.

男方就担心爱人 会觉得自己品味不佳。

So I came up with a solution.

所以我想了个办法。

I gave them a list of ethical porn sites,

我给他们了提供了一串 专放伦理片的小黄网网址，

and I asked them, "Hey, how do you feel

我还问了：“每次选到 觉得能让爱人起反应的

about each picking a scene or two that you think would turn on the other?"

一两个场景是什么感觉？“

Well, not only was he willing to do that,

后来就不只是他自己愿意去看了，

it led to a fascinating and funny follow-up conversation.

看片还直接让他们进行了 一场爽而有趣的灵魂对话。

He asked her, "Why exactly did you pick tickle torture for me?"

男方问女方，”为什么你每次都是用 搔痒（一种性虐待方式）来折磨我？”

(Laughter)

(笑声)

So starting side by side,

所以从肩并肩开始，

it helps us get face to face.

能帮助我们面对面。

But then that face to face arousal,

但是使用面对面进行性刺激的时候，

it needs to be more than just putting on sexy lingerie

可不只是穿性感内衣

or buying handcuffs and a blindfold.

或者买手铐和眼罩就行了哦。

On their own, those things are pretty inert.

这些东西本质上， 就是了无生气的死物而已。

What makes them arousing is when they enable us to tap into our fantasies,

这些东西只有在激发我们的性幻想时， 才是有用的性用品，

or what the late great sex therapist Jack Morin called a “core erotic theme.”

或者就像已故的伟大性治疗师 杰克·莫林（Jack Morin）

所说的“核心性主题。”

Sexual scenarios that uniquely turn us on more than others,

那些对于点燃我们的欲望 有独特作用的性场景，

and they hold on to that erotic charge over time.

可以总是让我们持续性兴奋。

Well, a lot of couples say they don't have fantasies

很多情侣说他们没有性幻想，

or they don't know what their fantasies are.

或者他们不知道自己的 性幻想具体是什么样的。

But once you start having those side by side experiences,

但如果你们一旦开始 尝试肩并肩的方式，

those erotic themes start to emerge and get talked about.

这些性主题就会出现，并且你们会 自然而然地开始讨论这些性主题。

Like the couple with the new baby.

就像那对刚刚有了孩子的夫妇。

Why did she end up picking tickle torture for him?

为什么她最后选择了 用搔痒来折磨男方？

Well, she felt like he needed to lose control,

因为她觉得他该体会一下 没法控制自己的感觉，

both in and out of the bedroom,

不管是不是在卧室都好，

and he was very ticklish.

而且他很怕痒。

Because she was the one who actually had to go through the pain of childbirth,

因为她才是那个实打实 经受了分娩之苦的人，

but then he made such a big deal about being in the delivery room

但是他还吹嘘自己进了产房

and having to watch and how hard it was,

还全程围观了生育之苦，

he needed to be punished for that.

他必须受到惩罚。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And because she loved the idea of just stepping out of her nurturing mom role

也因为她很高兴自己终于 能跳出哺乳期妈妈的角色

and for a little while being a powerful dominatrix.

有那么一小会儿时间 过一把性施虐女王的瘾。

I can't say they ever got as far as actually engaging in tickle torture,

其实我也不好说 他们这个搔痒有没有到位，

but I do know that they started to move from side by side to face to face

但是我可以确定的是他们 已经从肩并肩过渡到了面对面，

and started to play with power in ways that they both found really hot.

用控制力取悦了双方。

So what if you are someone who fantasizes during sex

所以如果你是在做爱的时候爱幻想，

but you keep it to yourself?

但是不会说出来的人会怎样？

Does that count a psychological arousal?

这算不算心理性刺激？

And what if the person you're fantasizing about

又如果你幻想的那个对象

isn't the person you're actually having sex with?

根本就不是跟你现在 天人交战的那个人怎么办？

That can be confusing.

那就有点让人困惑。

You might start to wonder, "What's going on here? Am I bored?

你可能会开始疑惑，“我到底在 干什么？我是不是已经开始厌倦了？

Am I not into the sex? Am I cheating in my mind?

我是不是没有在天人合一？ 我是不是在自我欺骗？

Should I push those thoughts out of my head?"

我应该把这些幻想 赶出我的脑海吗？“

No.

不。

Our fantasies are our allies.

我们的性幻想是我们的盟友。

They help distract us away

它帮助我们从卧室以外的

from the chaotic world outside of our bedroom,

纷乱世界逃离出来，

and they lead us and they lull us into our sexual bodies

引导我们并且让我们的身体 得以放松地进入性爱状态，

so that we can tune in and turn on.

因此我们才能调整好状态 接受性爱刺激。

Our fantasies are our friends.

性幻想是我们的朋友。

You don't fear them. You follow them.

不要害怕。跟随它们。

Now does that mean you should take your partner with you

那我们需要跟我们的伴侣

and tell them about that secret fantasy?

同步分享秘密性幻想吗？

Well, that depends.

这个得看情况。

It could be a great way of going deeper into that face-to-face arousal.

更加深入地进行 面对面性刺激是很好的。

But on the other hand,

但是另一方面，

if you and your partner are just starting to dip your toes

如果你和性伴侣只是刚开始浅尝

into the shallow end of the fantasy pool,

性幻想的滋味，

well, then you might want to hang out

那你也许

in the intermediate section a little bit, you know,

不该操之过急，你懂的，

like splash around a little bit, get comfortable,

小试牛刀，开始嗨了，

develop some emotional safety,

找点情绪安全感，

establish boundaries.

建立界限。

I mean, maybe you got to make it clear to your partner,

我的意思是，也许你应该 清楚地告诉你的伴侣，

"Hey, just so we know, fantasy is fantasy because it's not reality, right?"

”喂，我们都知道，幻想之所以 叫幻想，因为它不是现实，对吧？“

There's a line between thought and action.

想法和行动之间是有界限的。

And just because you happen to have erotic themes that turn you on

你只是脑海里正好有了让你嗨起来

and that include others,

又包含了别人的色情主题，

that doesn't mean that the sex isn't still just about the two of you.

这样并不代表性不再是 你们二人之间的事。

A bunch of years ago,

很多年以前，

I did a study with Dr Kristen Mark on the topic of sexual boredom.

我和克里斯滕·马克（Kristen Mark）博士 一起做过一个关于性厌倦的研究。

We surveyed nearly 3,500 people in committed relationships

我们对近 3500 个有着 稳定伴侣的人做了调查问卷，

and found that more than 50 percent were either bored or on the brink of boredom.

发现有 50% 的人已经厌倦 或者处于厌倦的边缘。

Women were twice as likely to be bored in the first year of a relationship,

女人有两倍的可能性 在第一年就开始厌倦，

and men got bored in the first three years.

男人则在头三年才开始。

That's a whole lot of boredom on both sides of the bed.

其中还有很多是 双方都厌倦性事的。

But the good news,

但好消息是，

the vast majority of respondents were entirely interested

绝大部分被调查者对于

in trying something new that their partners suggested.

另一半试试在性事中来点 新花样的建议兴致勃勃。

So the antidote to boredom, it could just be a sexy suggestion away.

所以治疗性厌倦的解药， 可能只是需要说出性提议。

It could be as simple as waking up one morning,

简单得就像早上醒来时，

looking at your partner and just saying,

看着你的爱人并说：

"Hey, I just had the hottest dream about you."

”嘿，我刚刚可是做了一个 关于你的超火辣的梦哦。“

And then you fill in the blanks.

接下来你们就“践行”一番。

If it makes you blush, just blame it on your subconscious.

如果这让你害羞， 怪你的潜意识吧。

The point is that sexy suggestion,

关键是性提议，

that little nugget of psychological arousal,

这种关于心理性刺激的 一点小小的有用想法，

that could be the difference between lying in bed next to someone

都比只是咸鱼一样 躺在某个人身旁同床异梦

and feeling a million miles apart,

有效得多，

or getting on that arousal runway together and taking off.

两个人说不定就一起双向奔赴 性欲跑道一飞冲天了呢。

So what do you think?

所以你怎么想？

After a year and a half of being grounded,

关起来发呆已经一年半了，

Isn't it time to spread our sexual wings and let ourselves fly?

现在不就是伸展性欲之翼 送我们直上云霄的好时机吗？

Thank you.

谢谢。