A Sex Therapist's Secret to Rediscovering Your Spark | Ian Kerner | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Yi-Ping Cho (Marssi)

So having a sex problem is like having a toothache.

有性方面的問題就像有牙痛一樣。

By the time you get to the dentist, or to me, a sex therapist,

等你去找牙醫時， 或者找我這種性治療師時，

you just want to get out of pain.

你想要的只有脫離痛苦。

But what we just went through with COVID, that was like a sexual root canal.

但我們在新冠肺炎疫情中的經歷，

就像是性的根管治療。

I mean, we spent months not changing out of our pajamas.

我的意思是，我們有幾個月 都沒把睡衣換下來，

And sometimes not showering.

有時還沒洗澡呢。

No wonder so many of us lost our libidos.

難怪有這麼多人失去性慾。

It's not that we're not sexual people.

並不是說我們不喜歡性。

We want to want sex.

我們希望自己想要性。

We just don't want it.

只是我們就不想要性。

In my work with couples,

在我治療夫妻的工作中，

one of the biggest problems I see

我所見過最大的問題之一

is that sex often stalls out before it even gets started.

就是性在還沒開始之前 就已經熄火了。

There’s a “failure to launch,”

有一種「啟動失敗」，

an inability to get going and gain momentum.

無法進行下去並找到動能。

比如，我有一位病人，

For example, one of my patients shuts down

只要她的另一半開始 親她，她就立馬冷掉。

as soon as her partner starts to kiss her.

Turns out, her boyfriend in the eighth grade

結果發現，她男朋友在八年級時

told her she had bad breath.

告訴她說她有口臭。

Another patient of mine is terrified of losing his erection,

我有另一位病人，很害怕無法勃起，

so much so that he avoids any situation that could possibly lead to sex.

怕到讓他避開任何有可能

會朝向性愛發展的情境。

But he tells his partner he has no desire,

但他告訴他的伴侶，說他沒有慾望，

and he blames it on work stress.

且他怪罪於工作壓力。

Meanwhile, he's filled with longing.

同時，他心中滿是渴望。

He just doesn't dare show it.

他只是不敢表現出來。

And so his partner feels confused and unattractive.

於是，他的伴侶覺得很困惑， 也覺得自己沒吸引力。

For some of us, there just isn't room in our busy lives

有些人則是在忙碌的生活中

for sexual energy to emerge.

找不出時間讓性能量能夠展現。

There isn’t what I call the “erotic thread” between sexual events,

沒有所謂的「性愛線」 存在於性事件之間，

those moments when we can express desire or feel desire,

這裡說的性事件指的是我們 能表現或感受慾望的時刻，

pivot in and out of a quick sexual charge just for the heck of it.

快速進行並結束一次性激情， 就為了想做而做。

So, you know, it's no surprise

所以，並不意外，

that by the time we actually do get around to finally having sex,

到了我們終於要來做愛的時候，

too often it can feel reduced

通常都會覺得它變成只是

to a mundane series of predictable behaviors,

一連串很平凡無奇的可預測行為，

stale and drained of erotic life.

沒有新意且枯燥的性生活。

So why even bother?

那何必費周章呢？

Whenever the issue is a failure to launch,

只要問題是出在啟動失敗，

我們需要的就是新的進入方式，

what we really need is a new way in,

what I call an arousal runway.

我稱之為興奮跑道。

And I firmly believe that that runway

且我堅信，

興奮跑道的形式必須要是心理興奮，

needs to be in the form of psychological arousal,

not just physical.

不能只有肉體興奮。

For example, we know that some women can fantasize their way to orgasm

比如，

我們知道有些女性 能靠幻想就達到高潮，

without ever touching themselves.

甚至不用觸碰自己。

And men -- well, men can just look at something sexy

而男性——男性可以 看著性感的目標，或者

or think about something sexy

想著性感的影像， 就能開始產生強烈的

and start to get a strong physical reaction.

身體反應。

That's the power of psychological arousal.

那就是心理興奮的力量。

So why aren't we sharing more of it with each other?

那麼，我們彼此之間 為什麼不多運用它？

Well, in the beginning of a relationship, we really don't need to.

嗯，在關係的初期， 我們真的不需要。

The newness itself is often its own form of psychological stimuli.

新鮮感本身通常就是 一種心理刺激的方式。

But as we go on,

但隨著關係發展下去，

and as our sexual connection starts to lose its vitality,

隨著我們的性連結 開始失去了它的生命力，

that's when we need to be more deliberate about engaging our erotic minds together.

那時我們就需要更刻意

一起使用我們的性愛大腦。

Otherwise, we might start to drift apart.

要不然，我們可能會漸行漸遠。

We might start to fall into a sexless relationship.

我們可能會開始陷入 無性的關係當中。

Some of us might even start to cheat,

有些人甚至可能會開始偷情，

which is the only way that many of us know to get back on that arousal runway.

因為許多人只知道 用這種方式回到興奮跑道上。

I have rarely met a couple

我很少遇到有夫妻

that doesn't understand the importance of psychological arousal

不知道心理興奮有多重要，

and doesn't want more of it in the bedroom,

或在臥房裡不想要更多心理興奮，

but they often just don't know where to begin.

但他們通常都不知道從何著手。

So I give homework assignments

所以我會指派回家功課，

that emphasize two types of psychological arousal:

功課內容著重兩種心理興奮。

face to face and side by side.

面對面及肩並肩。

Face to face is things like sharing a fantasy,

面對面的例子包括

分享幻想、性感情境的角色扮演、

role-playing a sexy scenario,

engaging in sexual role-play.

參與性愛角色扮演。

Activities that two people can do just between themselves

兩個人光靠他們自己的想像力就可以

with only their imaginations.

做到的活動。

Well, that's easier said than done.

嗯，說的比做的容易。

With so much shame and inhibition around sex

性總是和羞恥及顧忌扯上關係，

that takes willingness,

需要有意願、需要展現脆弱的一面， 且需要勇氣才能做到。

it takes vulnerability, and it takes courage.

So I often suggest starting out with a side by side experience,

所以，

我通常會建議從肩並肩的做法開始，

something that's a little less pressured.

比較沒有壓力。

Reading some literary erotica aloud together,

一起大聲朗讀色情文學、

listening to a sexy podcast, watching ethical porn.

聽色情的播客節目、

看符合倫理的 A 片，

That's the kind where the performers actually want to be there.

也就是表演者真的願意演出的 A 片。

Recently, I was working with a heterosexual couple

最近，我工作上遇到 一對異性戀夫妻，

that needed an arousal boost.

他們需要興奮方面的協助。

They were trying to get back into sex after having a baby.

他們生了孩子之後， 努力想要嘗試再次做愛。

And she especially needed help tuning out the stressors

女方特別需要協助

來無視壓力因子，進入性慾的心境。

and getting into a sexual mindset.

But as a breastfeeding mom, she felt totally touched out.

但，身為要餵母奶的母親，

她覺得自己完全 不想要身體上的親密。

So she loved the idea of psychological arousal.

所以她很喜歡心理興奮的想法。

She thought it would be a blast to watch porn together.

她覺得一起看 A 片會很盡興， 她這輩子都沒做過這種事。

She never did anything like that in her life.

But for him, that was something private and off limits,

但對男方而言，看 A 片是很私人

且不對外開放的事。

and he was worried that she was going to judge him based on his tastes.

他擔心她會根據他的口味來評斷他。

So I came up with a solution.

所以，我想了一個解決方案。

I gave them a list of ethical porn sites,

我給他們一張清單， 列出合乎倫理的 A 片網站，

and I asked them, "Hey, how do you feel

我問他們：「嘿，你們要不要 試試每個人挑一、兩個情境，

about each picking a scene or two that you think would turn on the other?"

是你們認為會讓對方興奮的？」

Well, not only was he willing to do that,

不僅他願意這麼做，

it led to a fascinating and funny follow-up conversation.

後續還帶來了一段 很棒又很有趣的談話。

He asked her, "Why exactly did you pick tickle torture for me?"

他問她：

「你究竟為什麼 為我挑選『搔癢折磨』？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So starting side by side,

所以，從肩並肩開始，

it helps us get face to face.

能協助我們做到面對面。

But then that face to face arousal,

但，接著，到了面對面的興奮時，

it needs to be more than just putting on sexy lingerie

就不能只是穿上性感衣褲，或者

or buying handcuffs and a blindfold.

買手銬和眼罩。

On their own, those things are pretty inert.

那些東西本身是沒有生命的。

What makes them arousing is when they enable us to tap into our fantasies,

它們之所能讓我們興奮，

是因為它們能讓我們 去探索我們的幻想，

or what the late great sex therapist Jack Morin called a “core erotic theme.”

或已故的偉大性治療師傑克‧莫林

所謂的「核心性愛主題」。

Sexual scenarios that uniquely turn us on more than others,

它指的是各種性愛情節當中 特別能讓我們興奮的那一種，

and they hold on to that erotic charge over time.

且隨時間，還能保有性激情。

Well, a lot of couples say they don't have fantasies

許多夫妻說他們沒有幻想，

or they don't know what their fantasies are.

或者他們不知道他們的幻想是什麼。

But once you start having those side by side experiences,

但，一旦你們開始有 那些肩並肩的經歷之後，

those erotic themes start to emerge and get talked about.

那些性愛主題就會 開始浮現且被談到。

Like the couple with the new baby.

就像剛生了寶寶的那對夫妻。

Why did she end up picking tickle torture for him?

她最後為什麼為他選了搔癢折磨？

Well, she felt like he needed to lose control,

她覺得他需要失控一下，

both in and out of the bedroom,

不論在臥室裡或臥室外，

and he was very ticklish.

且他很怕癢。

Because she was the one who actually had to go through the pain of childbirth,

因為，她才是實際上必須要 承受生產痛苦的人，

but then he made such a big deal about being in the delivery room

但他卻小題大作，

誇大形容在產房裡 目擊生產有多困難，

and having to watch and how hard it was,

he needed to be punished for that.

他需要因此受懲罰。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And because she loved the idea of just stepping out of her nurturing mom role

且她也很希望能夠脫離 養育子女的母親角色，

and for a little while being a powerful dominatrix.

扮演一下很有權力的施虐狂。

I can't say they ever got as far as actually engaging in tickle torture,

我不確定他們有沒有真的 走到「搔癢折磨」的這一步，

but I do know that they started to move from side by side to face to face

但我確實知道，他們開始 從肩並肩轉向面對面，

and started to play with power in ways that they both found really hot.

並開始以雙方都認為 很火辣的方式玩起權力。

So what if you are someone who fantasizes during sex

那麼

如果你是在做愛時會幻想，

but you keep it to yourself?

但不會說出來的人呢？

Does that count a psychological arousal?

那算不算是心理興奮？

And what if the person you're fantasizing about

如果你幻想的對象

isn't the person you're actually having sex with?

並不是正在和你做愛的人呢？

That can be confusing.

那可能很讓人困惑。

You might start to wonder, "What's going on here? Am I bored?

你可能會開始納悶： 「這是怎麼回事？

我覺得無聊嗎？ 我不喜歡這次性交嗎？

Am I not into the sex? Am I cheating in my mind?

我在腦中出軌了嗎？我應該 要把這些想法拋開嗎？」

Should I push those thoughts out of my head?"

No.

不。

Our fantasies are our allies.

我們的幻想是我們的盟友。

They help distract us away

幻想能協助我們分心，

from the chaotic world outside of our bedroom,

不去想臥室外面的混亂世界，

and they lead us and they lull us into our sexual bodies

幻想能引導我們放鬆 進入到性慾的身體內，

so that we can tune in and turn on.

讓我們能調整好並興奮起來。

Our fantasies are our friends.

我們的幻想是我們的朋友。

You don't fear them. You follow them.

不用怕它們。要跟隨它們。

Now does that mean you should take your partner with you

那是否表示你應該讓你的伴侶加入，

and tell them about that secret fantasy?

把你秘密的幻想告訴對方？

Well, that depends.

要看情況。

It could be a great way of going deeper into that face-to-face arousal.

這可能是個很好的方式， 能協助深入到面對面的興奮。

But on the other hand,

但，另一方面，

if you and your partner are just starting to dip your toes

如果你和你的伴侶才剛開始

把腳趾伸進幻想水池的淺水區，

into the shallow end of the fantasy pool,

well, then you might want to hang out

那你可能要考慮 在中間地帶待久一點點，

in the intermediate section a little bit, you know,

like splash around a little bit, get comfortable,

你知道的，就像

先玩玩水，讓自己更舒適自在，

develop some emotional safety,

發展出一些情緒安全感，

establish boundaries.

建立好界線。

I mean, maybe you got to make it clear to your partner,

也許你需要對你的伴侶 說清楚：「嘿，

"Hey, just so we know, fantasy is fantasy because it's not reality, right?"

只是想說，幻想之所以是幻想，

就是因為它不是真的，對吧？」

There's a line between thought and action.

想法和行動之間是有分界的。

And just because you happen to have erotic themes that turn you on

且，如果剛好有 能讓你興奮的性愛主題，

and that include others,

且主題中有其他人，

that doesn't mean that the sex isn't still just about the two of you.

那也不表示性愛 就不再只是你們兩人的事。

A bunch of years ago,

我和克莉絲汀‧馬克博士 多年前做了一項研究，

I did a study with Dr Kristen Mark on the topic of sexual boredom.

主題是性厭倦。

We surveyed nearly 3,500 people in committed relationships

我們調查了近三千五百位 身處承諾關係當中的受訪者，

發現有超過一半的人，

and found that more than 50 percent were either bored or on the brink of boredom.

若不是感到厭倦， 就是在即將感到厭倦的邊緣。

Women were twice as likely to be bored in the first year of a relationship,

在關係的第一年中，女性感到 厭倦的機率是男性的兩倍，

and men got bored in the first three years.

男性則是會在前三年感到厭倦。

That's a whole lot of boredom on both sides of the bed.

床上的兩個人都有好多厭倦。

But the good news,

但，好消息是，

the vast majority of respondents were entirely interested

大部分的受訪者都相當願意

in trying something new that their partners suggested.

嘗試他們的伴侶提議的新點子。

So the antidote to boredom, it could just be a sexy suggestion away.

所以，

有可能只需要一個性感的示意 就能找到厭倦的解藥。

It could be as simple as waking up one morning,

有可能很簡單， 比如某天早上起床時，

看著你的伴侶，說：「嘿，

looking at your partner and just saying,

"Hey, I just had the hottest dream about you."

我剛夢到你，且這個夢辣翻了。」

And then you fill in the blanks.

接著再填補空白。

If it makes you blush, just blame it on your subconscious.

如果這會讓你臉紅， 那就怪罪於你的潛意識。

The point is that sexy suggestion,

重點是，

那個性感的示意，

that little nugget of psychological arousal,

那心理興奮的小小珍寶，

that could be the difference between lying in bed next to someone

就有可能造成不同，從枕邊人

and feeling a million miles apart,

讓你感到咫尺天涯，

or getting on that arousal runway together and taking off.

變成兩人在興奮跑道上一同起飛。

So what do you think?

你們覺得呢？

After a year and a half of being grounded,

被禁足了一年半，

Isn't it time to spread our sexual wings and let ourselves fly?

現在不是該展開性羽翼， 讓我們自己高飛的時候了嗎？

Thank you.

謝謝。