The Truth About Faking Orgasms | Karen Gurney | TED

翻译人员: Fei Yu 校对人员: Yan Li Xiao

Take a moment to think about your sex life.

花点时间回想一下你的性生活，

Don't worry, I'm a professional, I ask this question all the time.

放心，我是专业人士， 我总是会问这个问题。

My guess is that most of you are thinking about solo pleasure

我猜你们中的大多数 大概正在回想自娱自乐的场景，

or the interaction between you and someone else, perhaps.

又或是你与某人之间的互动。

There's probably very few of you

估计你们中很少有人会考虑

who are thinking about how your sex life connects to wider dynamics in society.

如何把你们的性生活 与更广泛的社会活动联系起来。

Let me explain by starting somewhere a little different.

让我先说一点儿不一样的内容。

The gender pay gap has reduced in the last three decades in the UK,

在英国过去的三十年间里， 两性薪酬差距已经缩小，

and we have more women in senior management positions

高管中女性的人数

than ever before.

也比以往要多，

But there is also still such a long way to go.

但依旧有很长的路要走。

Britain only ranks 21st in the world for gender equality.

在性别平等方面， 英国仅位于世界第 21 位，

And not all women benefit equally from the advances we've made so far.

从我们目前进展来看， 也不是所有的女性会受益。

Today, I'm going to tell you how the orgasm gap,

今天，我将告诉你们高潮差距，

which is data about gender inequality from sex science,

这是来自性别科学中 的性别不平等数据，

is a lesser known but powerful indicator of just how far we still have to go.

该数据鲜为人知但又强有力的 展现了我们还有多长的路要走。

Progress towards equality in any area

任何领域朝着平等的迈进，

is about breaking free of entrenched social norms.

都要打破根深蒂固的社会常识，

And this is especially the case in sex.

在性方面尤其如此。

In my work, as a clinical psychologist

作为一名临床心理学家， 在我的工作中

specializing in helping people with their sex lives,

主攻“改善人们的性生活”方向。

I noticed that we're often unaware of how much of how we are sexually

我注意到，我们经常会忽视， 我们的性方式在多大程度上

is dictated by forces outside of ourselves

由我们自身以外的力量，

or outside of our sexual relationships.

或者说是由我们 性关系之外的力量决定的。

What we should say,

我们该说些什么，

how we're supposed to be,

我们应该是什么样的人，

what we're supposed to look like,

我们看起来是什么样子，

who does what and when,

谁做了什么，什么时候做的，

what we're supposed to be into.

我们该喜欢什么。

These scripts, they're all written for us,

这些脚本，为我们所写，

and we learn them from language, from peers and from the media.

我们从语言、 同龄人乃至媒体中学习它们。

I don't know about you,

我不确定你们怎么想的，

but I'm starting to see a small change in these scripts.

但我已然在这些脚本 里面看出了一些小的变化。

These days,

这些天来，

my social media feeds are full of posts about women's sexual empowerment

与五年前相比，我的社交媒体上 到处都是有关女性性赋权

and women's bodily autonomy compared to, say, five years ago.

以及女性身体自主权的帖子。

And this is great.

发展不错。

But in my work,

但在我的工作中，

I notice that this change has not yet translated to real life

我发觉这些尚未在现实生活，

and to the bedroom.

以及卧室中得到转变。

Not that everyone has sex there, but you know what I mean.

并不是说在座的各位都有性生活， 但你们知道我什么意思。

(Laughter)

[笑声]

I see plenty of women in my clinic

我在我的诊室里见了很多女性，

who tell me that they feel more empowered than ever

她们告诉我，感觉她们 比任何时候都要强大，

to take up space, to call out misogyny,

强大到占有一席之地， 大声说出厌女症，

to demand a seat at the table.

去要求拥有在餐桌就餐的权利。

But when it comes to their sex lives,

但是，一旦涉及她们的性生活时，

they can't seem to bring themselves to feel empowered in the same way.

她们似乎不能让自己 以同样的方式感受强大。

They tell me that they feel silenced, disempowered

她们告诉我，她们觉得被压制， 被剥夺了影响力，

and made to feel that they are the problem.

同时这让她们觉得，她们即问题，

And they don't know how to tackle it.

而且她们也不知道如何解决。

So why is this happening?

那为什么会发生这种事？

Well, we used to think that women’s orgasms were hard to come by,

嗯，我们过去总是 认为女性很难到达高潮，

and that because they were "tricky,"

因为它们很“狡猾”。

this was the obvious explanation

当直男和直女发生性关系，

as to why when cis men and cis women have sex together,

男性经常会更有满足感。

it's more often the man who leaves feeling satisfied.

这是显而易见的解释。

This is a common myth.

它是一个常见的荒诞说法。

And it's kind of got in the way of us really noticing

这也妨碍我们真正注意

and questioning this imbalance of pleasure across genders.

和质疑这种两性 之间不平等的愉悦感。

This "tricky orgasm" myth has been challenged

在过去的几十年不同 方式的性研究过程中，

by various pieces of sex research over the last few decades,

这个“狡猾的高潮” 的荒谬说法受到挑战，

and we now know that when people masturbate,

我们现在知道了，当人们手淫时，

there is no difference in the rates of orgasm

性高潮比率

or the time taken to orgasm across genders,

或者说不同性别到达高潮的时间， 并没有什么区别，

turning this idea of women's orgasms being more complex or taking longer

逐渐取代了女性高潮 更加复杂或花费更长时间

on its head.

的旧观念。

But this sex science,

但是，性科学显示

and the fact that only a minority of women can come from vaginal penetration

只有一小部分女性在 没有刺激阴蒂的情况下，

without any clitoral stimulation,

而通过阴道插入这一行为而高潮。

is still not that widely known,

这一事实仍不被众人所知，

leaving many women feeling like they are the problem,

这也导致很多女性认为，

that they're taking too long

她们花了太长的时间 才高潮是自己的问题，

or needing something unusual to get there.

要么就借助一些 不同寻常的小玩意儿。

When in fact, they're entirely normal.

事实上，这是很正常的。

Feeling abnormal leads them to fake it,

感觉自己不正常然后去假装正常，

and faking it gives their partner the wrong idea

这种假装给另一半提供了错误的信息，

of what women's bodies need.

关于女性身体需求的错误信息。

Meaning the next woman

这意味着下一个女人，

who tries to assert what she wants or needs with that partner

试图跟她的伴侣 坚持自己的渴望及需求，

is seen as difficult or labeled as “hard work.”

会和“久做不射”一样困难。

As a result,

因此，

research tells us that men consistently overestimate

研究显示男性总是高估

how often women orgasm during partnered sex.

女性在房事中高潮的频率，

And underestimate how often women are faking it.

同时低估女性假装高潮的次数。

This is the reason why some women describe partnered sex as like

这就是为什么一些女性 将伴侣间的性行为描述成

"listening to your favorite song,

“听着你最爱的歌，

but having the radio switched off before it gets to the best bit."

但进入精彩部分的时候关掉它。”

(Laughter)

[笑声]

But why does it matter?

那又有什么关系呢？

Well, the first thing to say

啊，第一件事就是

is that orgasms are not the be-all and end-all of good sex

性高潮并不是 美好性爱的全部和终结，

and we must not treat them as if they are.

我们绝不能把它当回事。

Good sex can bring connection,

良好的性爱可以提升关系、

stress relief, affirmation, intimacy and fun.

缓解压力，变得更加亲密和享受乐趣。

And orgasms are just another reward like these,

性高潮只是另一种形式的馈赠，

that serve to make us feel good

让我们感觉更好，

and keep humans coming back for more.

并让我们反复想要更多。

But what if the pleasure of one group of people

但如果某一群体的快乐

is consistently privileged over the pleasure of another?

总是优于其他人的快乐呢？

What does that tell us about our society?

这会告知我们什么样的启示呢？

I mentioned earlier that people of all genders

我早前提到过，无论男性还是女性，

can orgasm at a similar rate when they're alone.

95% 的人在自娱自乐时，

And that rate is about 95 percent of the time.

达到高潮的速度差不多。

The orgasm gap refers to data from sex science,

性高潮差距涉及的 数据来源于性科学，

which tells us how our chances of orgasming

它告诉我们，

can move from this 95 percent

当我们跟其他人做爱时，

when we have sex with another person.

我们高潮的机会是怎样 从这 95% 的数据中溜走的。

The biggest gap we see is for women having sex with men.

性高潮最大的差距在 我们看来是女性与男性的性爱，

When their chances of orgasming drop

从他们自娱自乐 所期望的 95% 高潮机会，

from this 95 percent they might expect alone

降低至 65%——

to around 65 percent with a regular partner.

这是与固定床伴做爱时的高潮概率。

We see an even bigger gap emerging with casual or hookup sex

我们甚至能观察到另一个巨大的差距，

between women and men,

此差距出现在男性 和女性之间的滥交或者约炮，

when women's chance of orgasming drops further still.

这两种性爱使女性 高潮的机会持续下降。

Crucially, men's rate of orgasming when having sex with women

更关键的是，男性与女性 发生关系时的高潮频率

stays at around 85 to 95 percent,

一直徘徊在 85%-95% 之间，

whether that's a regular partner,

不管做爱时是固定伴侣、

casual sex

还是滥交、

and just as reliably as when they're on their own.

都和他们自娱自乐时保持一致。

We don't see such a dramatic orgasm gap

但我们没在 LGBTQ+ 人群的性爱中

when LGBTQ+ people have sex with each other.

发现类似的高潮差距。

So, for example, women having sex with women

例如，女性和女性发生关系

can expect an orgasm rate only slightly less

她们的高潮率比自己自娱自乐时

than when they're on their own.

要少那么一点儿。

This data is important

这条消息很重要，

because it tells us that it's gender

因为它告诉我们，

which is responsible for inequality in the experience of orgasms.

性别在高潮体验方面导致的不平等，

Not anatomy, not capacity for pleasure,

不是因为人体结构， 不是因为获取快乐的能力，

but rather whose pleasure is prioritized as most important.

而是因为哪一方的快乐 被放置在最为优先的位置。

As a society, we still aren't signed up to an idea

作为一个整体， 我们仍然没有达成一致意见，

that women's sexual pleasure is as important as men's.

那就是女性的 性快感与男性的一样重要。

We're happy to strive for it,

我们乐意为之努力，

but only if the route to achieving it doesn't jeopardize men's pleasure

但前提是，在努力过程中，

in the process.

不会损害男性的快感。

Now there is a complex mix of factors which maintains the orgasm gap.

那么现在出现了一些复杂 的因素影响高潮差距。

Firstly, not knowing what's normal.

首先，不知道什么是正常的，

And feeling as if it's your body which is wrong.

让你陷入“感觉是你身体的原因，

Falling for this old idea that your orgasms are somehow tricky,

才导致你的高潮 出现问题”这种旧观念里，

even though you know that they're not when you're alone.

即使你知道当你自己 娱乐时根本是另一番场面。

Secondly, women being socialized to put other people's needs first

第二，女性的社交属性 让她们把其他人的需求放在首位，

and being polite so as to not hurt someone else's feelings or ego.

保持礼貌以避免伤害到 其他人的感情或者自尊心。

And lastly,

最后，

the simple fact that the patriarchy shows itself in the way

最简单的事实就是男女之间的性爱

men and women have sex together.

出现了父权思想。

The sheer physicality of a sexual script

性别脚本理论的肉体纯粹性倾向于

which favors penis and vagina sex above all else as "real sex,"

阴茎与阴道的性接触， 视为“真正的性爱”，其他均做不得数，

simply suits men's anatomy more.

以上更适合男性的剖析。

This is one of the reasons we don't see such a dramatic orgasm gap

所以这也是我们漠视如此 巨大的高潮差距的原因之一。

when women have sex with other women,

当女性之间发生性爱，

and we can learn from this.

我们就可从中学习。

Ditch the script and have more sex

扔掉那些理论，多多做爱，

which looks like the sex you enjoy alone.

就像你自娱自乐那样。

So, what are we to do?

那么接下来做什么？

Stop faking it.

别再假装高潮。

Yes, I know you've all done it.

是的，我知道你们都这么做过，

And you're so, so good at it.

而且你们真的，真的擅长演戏。

(Laughter)

[笑声]

I know it comes from a place of not feeling normal

我知道假装高潮来源于感觉不正常，

or wanting to communicate something

或者想要表达些什么，

or trying to protect someone else's feelings.

又或者想要尝试保护某些人的感受，

But all faking does is strengthen this patriarchal script

但所有的伪装都在 强化这个父权理论，

and means your needs are less likely to be met over time.

还意味着你的需求 并不会随着时间的推移而得到满足。

We can also notice how inequality shows up in the bedroom.

我们还能注意到卧室中 的不平等是如何出现的。

Is it OK with you that your needs are sidelined in favor of someone else’s?

你能忍受你的需求被置之不理， 而优先满足其他人吗？

How does that fit with your values

平等是如何匹配你的价值观，

around equality and other areas of your life?

以及你生命中其他的方方面面？

It’s OK to be motivated by something other than orgasms when you have sex.

当你做爱时，有比高潮 更重要的需求是完全可以的，

But this should be your choice to make,

但这是你自己做出的选择，

not some kind of sexual glass ceiling based on gender.

而不是基于一些性别隔阂之类的东西。

And lastly, by showing up for each other.

最后，向对方展现真实的自己。

If more women felt able to be upfront about their pleasure

如果更多的女性能坦率地表达愉悦感，

and what their body needs,

她们的身体需求，

this would pave the way for women collectively to benefit.

这将为女性铺平道路，共同受益。

It would mean the next woman who tries to be open about what her body needs

这意味着下一个大方 说明自己身体需求的女性

would be less likely to be dismissed as complex or unusual.

将不再因为不正常 或令人费解而遭受不屑一顾。

It would change the story.

它将改变这个故事，

It would redress the balance.

它将重新恢复平衡。

But this journey isn't just for women to take.

但这个过程并不仅局限于女性，

Men can show up here also,

男性也可加入，

by believing women when they say what they need.

当女性说出她们的需求， 去相信她们。

These women are not the outliers you think they are.

这些女性并不是你想象的局外人，

They are the voice of change.

她们有发起变革的权利。

Men can also show up by understanding

男人也可以表示自己的理解，

that women's capacity for pleasure is equal to their own

尤其是女性的享受与他们并无不同，

and by genuinely championing sex which has mutual pleasure at its core,

并真心拥护性爱共同享受的核心，

even if that means sacrificing their own,

哪怕这意味着需要牺牲他们

more comfortable position of privilege from time to time.

所拥有的更加舒适的特权。

So, let's start a revolution.

所以，让我们掀起一场革命，

After all, who knows what the impact of gender equality behind closed doors

毕竟，谁会知道那些 私密进行的性别平等

might have on the rest of society.

会给其他人带来什么影响呢？

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause and cheers)

[掌声与尖叫]