How to come out at work, about anything | The Way We Work, a TED series

Transcriber: TED Translators Admin Reviewer: Ivana Korom

Coming out.

Translator: TED Translators Admin Reviewer: Arvind Patil

Bahar aane Ham ise kataar samudaay ke lie vishist

Typically we think of this

as being an experience specific to the queer community.

anubhav ke roop mein sochate hain

But we all have things that we're keeping in our closets.

Lekin sabhee ke paas ek cheej hai

jinhen ham almaree mein rakhthe hain

It could be something about our home and family life,

Hamaare paarivaar me baare

maan aur shaareerik ke baare

about our mental or physical health.

Maybe you're not allergic to cats, you just don't like them.

Shaayad billee se elarjee nahin hai.

aap unhen pasand nahin harate

I feel you on that one.

Whatever it is that you're keeping in your closet,

mai samajhta hun

Jo kuchh bhee hai mann mein.

it shapes the way you navigate the world.

yeh duniya ko dekhane ke tareeke ko deta hai

That can include your work life.

Yeh aapka kaam jeevan shamil ho saketa hai

So how do we go about disclosing these important,

Hum in baaton ka khulaasa kaise karate hain?

but sometimes difficult to talk about aspects of who we are?

And when someone comes out to us,

Jo log hamaare paas aate hain. .kaise sunate hain?

what can we best do to listen and support them?

[Jis Tarah Se Ham Kaam Karate Hain]

[The Way We Work]

[Made possible with the support of Dropbox]

[Dropbox ke Amarthan se Sambhav hua]

Namaste, mera naam Micah hai

Hi, my name's Micah.

But it hasn't always been.

lekin yeh hamesha nahin hai

After a year at my current place of work,

Mere kaam kee jagah mein ek saal

I started the process of coming out as trans.

Mainne bahaar aane kee prakriya shuroo kee

When I sat down with human resources to talk

Jab mainne maanav sansaadhan ke saath baat kee

about how to reintroduce myself to everybody,

ki kaise ko apana parichay kaise den

neither of us had answers.

hamaare paas uttar nahin the

Nobody at my place of work had come out as trans before,

Kaam par koee bhee traans ke roop mein nahin aaya tha

but that's what I'm here to offer you.

lekin yahee kaaran hai ki main yahaan hoon

Three tips on how to talk

Mushkil cheejon ke baare men baat karane

about things that are hard to talk about.

ke teen tips

And for those of you on the other side of the conversation,

Aur vo jo baatacheet ke doosare paksh me hain

I have some advice for you too, on how you can best listen,

mere paas bhee kuchh salaah hai

apane sahakarmee ko kaise sunen aur smaarthan karen

respond and be an active ally for your colleague.

Main aapako bilkul nahin bata sakata ki kya kahana hai

I can't give you the exact words to say,

because they should be your own.

kyonki vo tumhaare hone chaahie

After all I don't know what you're keeping in your closet.

Kyonki main nahin jaanata ki aap kya paristhi mein hai

But whatever it might be,

Lekin jo bhee ho

I hope these tips will provide you with a framework

mujhe aasha hai ki ye sujhaav

aapako vahee bahato mein madad karenge jo

that's going to help you decide exactly what you want to say

kahana chaahate hain

and how you want to say it.

Know what you want and don't want out of the conversation.

Aapako pata hona chaahie ki aap kya chaahate hain

To know this, ask yourself questions like,

Apane aap se poochho

do I need anything

kya mujhe vyati se kuchh chaahie

from the person that I'm disclosing this to?

jo main is baare mein baat kar raaha hoon?

Where do I want the conversation to go from here,

Main kahaan jaana chaahata hoon,

if anywhere at all?

agar kaheen bhee?

And how do I want this person

Main kaise chaahate hoon ki ve mere saath apane

to understand my own relationship with this aspect of who I am?

rishte ko samajhen?

So, in my case, I knew I wanted people to call me

Mere maamale mein, main chaahata tha

ki log mujhe mere nae naam aur sarvanaam se lulaen

by my new name and pronouns.

Lekin, main nahin chaahata tha

But I also didn't want them to avoid me

ki gadabad karane ke dar se mujhase bachen

out of fear of messing them up.

This was going to take time.

Yeh samay lene vaala tha

And I wanted this to feel like any other ordinary fact

Main chaahata tha ki yeh mere baare mein ek aur

about who I am.

chees mahasoos kare

So now we know what we want to communicate.

To ab ham jaanate hain ki ham kya chaahate hain

Let's talk about how we're going to say it.

To ham ise kaise kahate hain?

By setting the tone.

Svar set karake

You're going to want to present the information

Aapako usee tarah see batanee hain jis tarah

in the same way you want people to respond to it.

se aap javaab dena chaahate hain

They're going to be looking and listening for cues

Vo suraag ke lie dekhenge aur sunenge

uchit pratikriya ke lie

on what the appropriate response is.

Is this something that you want to be celebrated?

Kya aap chaahate hain ke ise manaaya jae?

I'm trans!

Main traans hoon!

Or do you want to just address it and move on with your life?

Ya kya aap ise kahana chaahate hain aur aage badhana hain

Oh, by the way, I'm trans.

Vaise main traans hoon..

There's no one right way to say it for everybody.

Ek sahee tareeka nahin hai

What's most important here is what's right for you.

Jo sabase mahatvapoorn hai jo appake lie sahee hai

Ek aur baat

Another note,

Ham yeh niyantrit nahin

we're not going to be able to control the way

karte hain kaise pratikriya deta hai

in which everybody responds to this.

lekin ham niyantrit karte hain ki vo

But what we do have control over

is how they understand our own relationship

hamaare saath hamaare rishte ko

with this part of who we are.

kaise samjhate hain

So now that we know what we want to say

ham jaanate hain ki hamen kya kahana hai

and how we want to say it,

aur kaise kahana chaahate hain

where do we want the conversation to go from here?

Ham aage kahaan jaana chaahate hain?

Well, my advice is to give an action item.

Ek ekshan aaitam do

This will help you keep control of the conversation

Aap logon ko yah kahakar sakate hain ki vo

by giving people direction

kya kahana aur

on what they're supposed to do or say next.

karane vaale hain

I knew I wanted this to feel like any other ordinary fact about who I am.

Yeh mere baare mein ek sadhaaran tathy hai

Isalie mainne ek smamaany samasyako hal karane

So I decided I was going to use my coming out

to solve an ordinary problem.

ke lie apane aane ka istemaal kiya

And I sent the following email.

Mainne nimnalikhit eemel bhejha

"Hello all, I need your help.

“Namaskaar, mujhe aapkee madade chaahie”

I am in the market for a moisturizer to help with my dry skin.

Mujhe apanee shushk tvacha ke lie ek loshan zaroorat hai

I'm also in the process of out as trans.

Main traans ke roop mein bhee baahar aa rihi hoon

I'm changing my name to Micah

Mera naya naam Micah hai

and my pronouns are he, him, his.

Mere sarvanaam hain vah, use, unake

Yadi aapake paas mere parivartan ya tvacha ke

If you have any questions about my change in pronouns

or my skin care needs,

baare mein prashn hain

feel free to send an email

meree naee jaanakaaree

to my updated contact information.

ke ek eemel bhejdo

Meree tvacha bhee shushk hai, lekin

And I'd also like to note that while my skin is dry,

it is not too sensitive.

sanvedanasheel nahin hai

We're all going to mess up my name and my pronouns,

Ham sab gadabad karenge

myself included.

khud bhee

So when this happens, don't panic or cringe!

Isalie jab aise hota hain, daren nain!

Please be kind to yourself

Apane aap par daya karen

kyonki ham ise ek saath jodate hain

as we stumble through these growing pains together.

I'm fortunate and grateful to work in a place

Main aisee jagah kaam karane ke lie aabhaaree hoon

jahaan main kisee bhe roopr mein ashaj mahasoos hoon

where I feel embraced in any form,

be it as a transgender man or a person with dry skin

ek trans adhmi ya sokhee tvacha ke roop men

or in this case, both."

is maamale mein donon"

Eemaanadaar rahana,

Now, I'm going to be honest,

mainne apanee tvacha kee dinacharya ko nain badala

I haven't made many changes to my skin-care routine

since sending this email.

eemel bhejane ke baad se

Lekin main apanee tvacha mein adhik

But I will say that I am feeling much more comfortable

in my own skin.

sahaj hoon

And that's what thanks to responses like these.

in jaisee pratikriyaon ke kaaran

[You have all the love and support, Micah!

[Aaphee ke paas sabhee ka pyaar hain, Micah!

And please know that I highly rec Clinique products.]

Aur main atyadhik Clinique kee salaah deti hoon]

[You are the best.

Tum kamaal ke admi ho. mere pasand ke ho

You are and will always be one of my favorite people (at work).

vyakti honge (kaam par).

aapakee sokhee tvacha ke saath bhee]

Even if you do have terribly dry skin.]

[Khud hone ke lie dhanyavaad,

[Thank you for being you,

main aapake lie yahaan rahoonga chaahe aap

however much or little you want to talk about dry skin, genders, bodies, etc.

kitnee bhee bahaat karne chaahate hon.]

I will be here for you.]

[Dhanyavaad, hamen gadabad karane ke lie anumati...]

[Thank you for giving us permission to mess up ...]

Now you might be wondering,

Aap soch rahe honge

Agar main sun raha hoon

if I'm the listener in this conversation,

main apane dost ka samarthan karana ke lie

what can I best do to support my colleague

kya kar sakata hoon?

other than maybe referring them to my dermatologist?

Well, for starters, listen

Shuruaat ke life, suno

with an open heart and an empathetic ear.

Meherabeen dil aur kaan ke saath

You're especially going to want to listen here

Vishisht bhaasha ke lie suno

for the specific language the person is using

jo vo unhee aapko upayog

to describe themself and their experience

kar raha hai

Vohee bhaasha hai jo aapako unake saath

because that's the same language

you're going to want to use back to them.

prayog karanee chaahie

Aapko unakee pahachaan ke baare mein savel

You might be tempted to ask your coworkers some questions

poochhane ke laalach ho skata hai

about their identity.

Ise pahale ki aap poochhen,

Before you ask them a question,

aapane aap se poochho

ask yourself,

Kya mujhe internet par javab mil skata jai

can I find the answer to this in a search engine?

Haan shaayad

Chances are the answer is yes.

And if the answer is no, ask yourself,

Yadi nahee,

Apane aap se poochhen ki kya yah poochhana

is this too personal of a question

for me to be asking my colleague.

vkaktigat hai?

Aap poochh sakate hain,

One question that is okay to ask though,

Kya aise juchh hai jo main kar sakoon madade ke lie?

is there anything I can do to support you at this time?

This is a note for if you're responding in the moment and in person.

Yeh hai yadi aap vyakti men javaab de rahe hain

But if you want to be an active ally,

Lekin, agar aap ek sakriy dost banne hain

the conversation doesn't end here,

to sahamati sampaat nahin hotee hain

it picks up again with your colleagues and human resources

Yah sahayogiyon aur maanav sansaadhanon ke paas jahate hain

on how you can make your workplace more inclusive

kaaryasthal ko adhik samaaveshee

of this person's identity.

banaane ke baare mein

Yeh sirph unakee madad nahin karega

Chances are it's not just going to help them

but maybe someone else down the line.

lekin shaayad koee aur bhee

Now, in my case,

Mere maamale mein,

Svayan aur any logon ne mere eemel hastaakshar

it would be adding pronouns to your email signature

and asking your coworkers to do the same

mein sarvanaam jode

in order to help normalize it across the org.

saamaany karne ke lie

Aap HR se baat kar sakate hain

It could also be talking to HR

about having more trans-inclusive health care policies.

Adhik samaaveshee svaasthy neetiyon je baare men

Meree aakhiree salaah shrota

And my last piece of advice is for both the listener

and the leader in the conversation.

aur neta donon ke lie hai

Remember that they're the same person

Yaad rakhen ki ve vahee vyakti hain

you've always known them to be.

jinhen aap hamesha se jaanate hain

It's the weight of stereotypes and stigmas

Yeh kalank hai jo hamaare

that often keep our closet doors shut.

jarvaaje band rakhate hain

We're afraid people are now going to see us as this thing

Ham darate hain ki log hamen is cheez ke

instead of seeing this thing as an aspect of who we are,

bajaay deken ki ham

vastaav mein kaun hain

of we've always been.

I know that was the case for me too,

Mujhe pata hai ki mere saath yeh hua tha

but it got easier for me to say, my name is Micah

Lekin mere lie mera naam kahana aasaan ho gaya

because of the way I saw it not only accepted,

Jis tarah se mainne ise dekha aur mere sabhee

but enthusiastically embraced by all of my coworkers.

sahakarmiyon dvaara sveekaar kiya gaya tha

So whatever it is you're keeping in your closet,

To jo kuchh bhee tum apanee kotharee mein rakh rahe ho

mujhe ummeed hai ki ye tups aapakio sashaket karenge

I hope these tips empower you

to bring your authentic self into your workplace

Aur aape apanee tvacha mein

and hopefully feel more comfortable in your own skin.

adhik aaraamaadayak mahsoos kare