How to Disagree with Respect — Not Hate | Spencer J. Cox | TED

In 1967,

Ronald Reagan became the governor of the State of California.

In his inaugural address,

he talked about the peaceful transfer of power,

something he described as “the simple magic

of the commonplace routine,

which makes it a near miracle to many of the world’s inhabitants.”

He then went on to utter an iconic phrase that would be repeated by politicians

for decades to come.

"Freedom is a fragile thing," he said,

"And it's never more than one generation away from extinction."

Now like countless others, I have used that quote many times,

but I have a confession to make.

I never really believed it.

Surely, after 250 years of this stuff,

we no longer have to worry about losing it.

I'm not pleased to report that I actually believe it now.

The first cracks in my confidence

came during one of those commonplace routines of transferring power

as Lieutenant Governor of the State of Utah.

It was my duty to certify the votes of the electors

for the presidential election.

While the meeting to do so was open to the public,

it was so commonplace and routine that no one ever showed up.

As I walked into the room,

I was stunned to see dozens of angry protesters

screaming that the election had been stolen

and demanding that we violate state law

and change the votes of the electors.

Now I know what you’re all thinking,

and you're probably wrong.

This was not 2020.

This was 2016,

and the protesters were Hillary Clinton supporters.

Now it got far worse

somehow, four years later.

With the election less than two months away,

a friend and I were talking and lamenting

about the state of our our country

following a summer of destructive protests

by the extreme left and an extreme right

that was already undermining the validity of an election

that hadn't even happened yet.

"Isn't there something you can do," she asked.

Well, that question haunted me all weekend,

so I picked up the phone and called my opponent.

By the way, I was running for governor at the same time

that Trump and Biden were battling for the presidency.

I called my opponent,

a Democrat named Chris Peterson, whom I respected,

and I said, "Hey, Chris, this is Spencer Cox.

I have a crazy idea.

What if we filmed a campaign ad together?"

I could almost hear the confused look forming on his face.

To his credit, he agreed,

and one week later, we were in a studio together.

Let's watch.

(Video) I'm Chris Peterson.

And I'm Spencer Cox.

CP: We are currently in the final days of campaigning against each other

to be your next governor.

SC: And while I think you should vote for me --

CP: Yeah, but really, you should vote for me.

SC: There are some things we both agree on.

CP: We can debate issues without degrading each other's character.

SC: We can disagree without hating each other.

CP: And win or lose, in Utah, we work together.

SC: So let's show the country that there's a better way.

CP: My name is Chris Peterson.

SC: And I'm Spencer Cox.

(Together) And we approve this message.

(Applause)

Well, the response was instantaneous and overwhelming.

The ad went viral.

Neither of us saw it coming.

There were media requests from all over the world,

millions of views and shares.

Perhaps there really is an exhausted majority,

I remember thinking to myself,

and maybe this is the message they want to hear.

I could actually feel my faith in the American idea start to rekindle.

The popularity of the ad validated my hope

that most people really do want their political leaders

to uphold the values that we teach our kids.

That we can disagree without hate and contempt,

even that we can find ways to treat each other with respect

even when we disagree.

It seemed like there was a hunger

for architects instead of arsonists.

My hunch was confirmed one year later,

when a professor submitted a version of our ad

to the Stanford Polarization and Social Change Lab

as part of a huge depolarization experiment.

It was chosen as one of 25 interventions

to be tested on over 30,000 people.

The result?

Our ad actually had a measurable depolarization effect,

including a reduction in urges towards violence.

It turns out there really are things that we can do

to alter the trajectory of the United States.

Now look, I get it.

It's easy to feel a little hopeless

as Americans once again barrel towards an election

with unsatisfying candidates and campaigns.

But there is good news.

Over the past six months,

20 governors from all across the country

have filmed similar ads,

most of them with a public servant from the opposing party.

And the data continues to show that people really are hungry

for something different.

According to polling from More in Common,

70 percent of Americans

hate the divisiveness in politics.

And it also turns out that ...

Americans aren't as far apart as we think we are.

The problem isn't how far apart the average Republican

and the average Democrat is on the actual issues.

In fact, we're not much different than other Western democracies.

The problem is how far apart we think we are.

Due in large part to conflict entrepreneurs

in both the media and politics,

both sides overestimate the extremism on the other side

by about 30 percent.

Now interestingly,

this perception gap is actually strongest

amongst progressive activists on the left

and amongst extreme conservatives on the right.

So the people most engaged in the political process

also have the most inaccurate views of the other side.

But perhaps the best news of all

is that there are very practical things

that every one of us can do every day

to help heal the divides in our nations and our neighborhoods.

First, we can start by turning off and tuning out

some of those conflict entrepreneurs.

My wife and I,

we stopped watching cable news 11 years ago

and immediately saw an improvement in our marriage, our family,

and our mental health.

(Laughter and applause)

Now that always elicits a laugh, but we’re not alone.

Studies have found that more time spent on the latest headlines,

whether through social media or traditional media outlets,

is really bad for our mental health.

Psychologists refer to this phenomenon in different ways,

like media saturation overload

or doomscrolling or headline anxiety.

You see, more news, on all the time, isn’t making us smarter,

it's just stressing us out.

Second, we can spend more time, preferably offline,

with real people who are different than us.

In the words of Bryan Stevenson, proximity will empower you.

You see, it's just harder to hate up close.

"Tell me more about why you feel that way" is a magical request.

Twenty years ago,

we rarely identified each other by our political identities first.

As for me, I'm a father.

I'm an NBA fan.

I'm a terrible aspiring bassist in a band.

I'm a Utahn.

I'm an American.

How about you?

You see, if we look beyond our political tribes,

we can actually find shared identities and friendships

that unite instead of divide.

Now third, we can serve others.

Service and volunteering help build up communities

and improve our outlook on life and the people around us.

Some forms of regular volunteering

have even been associated with lower blood pressure.

There is nothing better for the soul or society than giving back.

Aristotle really was on to something

when he described and summed up the essence of life as:

“Serve others

and do good.”

Fourth, and finally,

we can work to develop the classical political virtues

of humility, patience and moderation,

without which, as John Adams explained,

we all become ravenous beasts of prey.

Now look, I know it’s almost laughable

to talk about words like humility in political discourse,

but I truly believe that it is the only way for us

to remember how to disagree without hate and contempt.

In the words of Judge Learned Hand, who so eloquently stated,

“The true spirit of liberty is the spirit which is not too sure it is right.

The spirit of liberty is the spirit which seeks to understand

the minds of other men and women.”

And I started with a quote from Ronald Reagan.

He went on to say that freedom is not ours by way of inheritance.

It must be fought for and defended constantly by each generation,

for it comes only once to a people

and those in history who have known freedom

and then lost it

have never known it again.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is our solemn duty in our generation

to once again secure the freedoms

endowed to all of us from on high.

We cannot wait for politicians or the media to do it.

It will take real work,

hard work by each of us.

But we must remember how to disagree without hate.

We must rise up

and meet that radical call to love our enemies --

even, especially,

our political opponents.

It's ...

It's not an ...

It's not an easy answer, but it is a simple one.

If we really want to change the world,

we have to start by changing our own hearts.

Thank you.

(Applause)