BOX SET: 6 Minute English - 'Dating and Relationships' English mega-class!

Hello and welcome to 6 Minute English. I'm Neil.

And I'm Dan.

Now then, Dan, what do you think of dating apps - you know, apps on your

phone that help you find a romantic partner?

I can't say I've ever used them myself. How about you?

Neither have I, but I've got friends who have, very successfully.

Lots of weddings.

Oh great!

Now, research shows that fewer

than 5% of people who have used

dating apps, actually go out on

a date with someone they met through them.

We’ll find out the reasons for this shortly, but first, a question.

Even though dating apps are not used as much as we might

think, they are still big business, but do you know how big?

Around the world last year how much was spent on them?

Was it: a) less than half a billion dollars,

b) between half a billion and a billion dollars, or

c) over a billion dollars? Any ideas, Dan?

Well, this is purely a guess, but let’s say over a billion dollars.

Well, we’ll have the answer at the end of the programme.

Elizabeth Tinnemans is a researcher

who studied the use of a particular dating app.

She spoke on the BBC's You and Yours radio programme on Radio 4. Her study confirmed that comparatively few

people who used the app used it to arrange to meet up with someone.

She talked about people’s motives for using the app.

Motives is a word which means ‘reasons’ - so what were those motives?

We found from all the people that we surveyed that only slightly

more than half of them actually met up with someone.

So it doesn't look like a lot of people

are using it to meet up but it

makes sense because we also

looked at why they were using

a dating app and the most popular and most common motives were using it out of

curiosity and using it to pass time or entertainment.

So they're not actively using these

dating apps to meet people like

swiping with friends is something

that happens fairly often, especially among millennials.

Tinnemans said that people use

the app to pass the time and simply for entertainment.

What other motives did she mention, Dan?

Well, she said that people used it out of curiosity.

If you do something out of curiosity you're just interested

in seeing what it is and what it does.

Maybe you’ve heard about something

and although you don’t want to

actually try it, you do want to see what it’s all about.

For example, when I was travelling once, out of curiosity, I

went to see people bungee jumping,

but it was never something I was going to do myself.

Was the lack of actual dating through the dating app a surprise?

No, she said that because they

looked at the motives, the result makes sense.

When something makes sense, it’s understandable,

it’s not surprising.

There is another view as to why

people are not using dating apps for actual dating.

This is Zoe Strimpel, who is a dating historian.

She argues that because there is so much choice

and so many opportunities to find a

partner through an app, it can make

the dating process unpleasant and people get tired of it.

People are being horribly disillusioned. I think people have also started to feel jaded.

People are feeling that they're

aware that these relationships are

often very callous and that's to do

with the sort of incredible sense of choice.

She says that people feel disillusioned and jaded.

What does she mean?

When you are disillusioned, it means you are unhappy with and

disappointed by something because it isn’t as good as it used to be or it’s not

as good as you thought it was going to be.

If you have many experiences like

that you become jaded which means

you become bored and lose interest in something.

She also commented that the dating experience can be callous.

This means that emotionally it can be

very tough and you have to be ready

to accept rejection or to reject people

yourself and this is not always done in the kindest way.

Here’s Zoe Strimpel again.

People are being horribly disillusioned.

I think people have also started to feel jaded.

People are feeling that they're

aware that these relationships are

often very callous and that's to do with

the sort of incredible sense of choice.


 OK. Time to review today’s vocabulary,

but first, let’s have the answer to the quiz question.

I asked how much was spent on dating apps last year.

Was it: a) less than half a billion dollars,

b) between half a billion and a

billion dollars, or c) over a billion dollars?

Dan, you said?

I said c) over a billion dollars.

Well, the total was just under

600 million dollars, so the correct answer

was b) between half a billion and a billion dollars.

Good guess if you got that one right!

Right, now it's time to recap today’s vocabulary.

Our first word was motives.

A motive is your reason for doing something.

If something makes sense, it's

not a surprise and you can understand it.

The next phrase was out of curiosity.

This is when you do something for

no particular reason other than you

are interested in seeing it or trying it.

Then had disillusioned.

This is a feeling you get when something

isn’t as good as it used to be or as

good as you expected it to be and

you become disappointed by it.

And that can lead to your being

jaded, which is a feeling of

dissatisfaction and boredom with

something that has been going on for a while.

And finally there was callous - an

adjective which means uncaring and cold-hearted.

Well, I hope you aren’t disillusioned

with 6 Minute English and will join

us again next time. In the meantime,

find bbclearningenglish online

and on social media and on our

own app – and before you ask, it’s not a dating app!

Bye for now.

Bye bye!

Hello and welcome to 6 Minute English. I'm Neil.

And I'm Rob.

Now Rob, Can you complete this

saying: “Love and marriage go together like ….”

Love and marriage go together like ...

like a horse and carriage!

That’s right, and when was the

last time you saw a horse and carriage?

Well, that would have been quite a

while ago – they are quite rare these days.

Not an everyday sight.

Indeed. And according to recent statistics, marriage in the UK is

getting rarer too.

Not as rare as seeing a horse and carriage, but

the numbers are falling.

Before we look at this topic in a bit more detail,

a little quiz for our listeners.

Yes, according to UK’s Office for National Statistics, how many

opposite-sex marriages were there in 2015?

Was it: a) 239,000, b) 309,000, or c) 339,000?

Any idea, Neil?

I have no idea but I'm going to have a guess and I'm going to say a) 239,000.

OK. Well, we’ll reveal the answer a little later in this programme.

And whatever the correct number, the trend is downwards.

Year on year there are fewer opposite-sex couples getting married in the UK.

So, why might this be?

Are we falling out of love with marriage?

Let’s hear from a couple of people with different views.

First, here’s Tom from BBC Learning English - what

doesn’t he like about the idea or concept of getting married?

I'm not that enthusiastic about the idea of marriage, to tell you the truth.

I think it's a bit of an archaic concept these days and

I'm a bit of a commitment phobe – I don't like the idea of

signing a piece of paper that says I have to be with someone

for the rest of my life and can never escape from that person

I suppose – although I am in a

very happy relationship at the moment.

So that was Tom there.

Not a fan of marriage.

But what were his objections, Neil?

Well, he described marriage as an archaic concept.

When someone describes something as archaic they

think it is very old fashioned, out of date – belonging to a different time.

So that was one of his problems

with marriage, but he also said

that he was a commitment phobe.

The suffix phobe means someone who is afraid of something.

In some cases it can also be used as a

standalone word, but it means the same.

So a commitment phobe is

someone who is afraid of, or doesn’t like the idea of commitment.

And when talking about relationships, commitment

means being with one person and giving up the idea of

being free to do whatever you want and see whoever

you want romantically.

So for commitment phobes, commitment means losing something.

But that’s not true for everyone.

Here’s Dan, also from BBC Learning English.

What’s his view of marriage?

In general, I think it's quite good.

It has a very stabilising effect on society and it

declares publicly to the world that you have found

the right person for you and that you're in a committed relationship.

So Dan is a fan.

He thinks marriage has a stabilising effect on society.

He sees marriage as being good for society as a whole - it

makes society stronger, more stable.

And he also sees it as a way to say to everyone that

you have a strong relationship, you

are with the one person you love.

So for Dan, commitment and

being in a committed relationship is a good thing.

Now, back to our question at the top of the programme.

I asked: how many opposite-sex couples got married in the UK in 2015?

And I took a guess, didn't I, and I said a) 239,000.

Am I right?

You are definitely right.

The answer is 239,000 or 239,020 to be precise.

That figure was 3.4% lower than 2014.

So what do relationship experts think

is the reason fewer people are getting married?

Well there could be lots of reasons. In some countries

the way society is changing means that there is less pressure

to get married or stay married.

As a result, there are more divorces.

So perhaps children of

divorced parents are less likely to get married themselves.

Right, well before we go, let’s recap the vocabulary we highlighted today.

The first word was trend.

A trend is the direction that something is changing over time.

When it comes to marriage, the trend is for fewer marriages.

And the trend for 6 Minute

listeners is the opposite, going up,

particularly when you are presenting, Neil

Ah, that’s very nice of you, you’re very kind.

The next two words were an archaic concept.

Archaic is an adjective for something dated or old-fashioned.

A bit like your fashion sense!

Ah Rob, just when I was beginning to like you!

Sorry about that, you know I don’t mean it.

In the interview, archaic was used to describe

the concept of marriage, not your fashion sense.

Concept is another word for an idea or belief.

So an archaic concept is an old-fashioned idea.

Our next expression was commitment phobe.

We use this phrase to talk about

someone who is scared of the idea of a long-term relationship

because they see it as giving up some freedoms.

You're obviously a compliment phobe!

You’re afraid of saying nice things about someone so you

always say something nasty as well!

I said I was sorry.

And finally we had the adjective stabilising.

Something that is stable is strong and

something that makes something

strong can be described as stabilising.

Dan expressed his belief that marriage had a stabilising effect on society.

Well, that's it for this programme.

For more, find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram

and our YouTube pages, and of course our website at

bbclearningenglish.com where

you can find all kinds of other activities, videos and quizzes

and things to help you improve your English.

Thanks for joining us and goodbye!

Bye bye!

Hello and welcome to 6 Minute English.

I'm Dan and joining me today is Neil.

Hi Neil.

Hi there, Dan.

You're a married man, Neil.

When you were wed, did your wife change her family name?

Yes she did.

Was that her choice?

Oh yes, yes.

She didn't like her old name, so for her it was a win-win.

How about you?

Well, my wife wanted to keep

her surname, but was forced to adopt mine because that

was the law where we got married.

Would you have thought about taking her name?

That's what we're talking about in this 6 Minute English.

A husband taking a wife's name after marriage.

All that, six related words and our quiz question.

OK. Let's have the question.

In which country has it been forbidden since 1789 for a

citizen to change their name legally, even after marriage?

Is it: a) Japan, b) France, or c) Turkey?

I'm going to go for b) France.

And we'll see if you're right later.

Now, traditionally in the UK, when a man and a woman get

married, the woman takes the man's family name.

And this replaces her maiden name.

A maiden name is the surname

a woman had before she was married.

Now, this all dates back to the Norman invasion of

England, back in 1066.

They introduced the idea that when

a woman married a man, she became his property.

Now, as a result of this, she took his name.

These days, many women elect to keep their maiden name

upon marriage or combine it with their new

husband's in some way, sometimes by making

the name double-barrelled.

A double-barrelled name is two names that are

connected by a hyphen, such as Jones-Smith.

However, a growing number of couples in western culture

are doing it differently.

When they get married, the husband

elects to take the wife's surname.

In a BBC article about surnames and marriage, Rory Dearlove,

formerly Rory Cook, talks about

why he decided to take his wife's surname.

He said that he wasn't really attached to his name anyway.

To him it didn't make any difference.

Well, he's not alone.

A recent study of 2000 UK adults by

Opinium, a strategic insight agency, suggested that one

in ten millennial men, currently

between 18 and 34 years old, fall into this category.

Charlie Shaw, a Tibetan Buddhist

meditation instructor, who took his wife's name when they

married last year, said that it was an opportunity to

acknowledge the unseen patriarchal bias and sexism in our society.

Patriarchal means 'controlled by men' and a bias

is the unfair support or opposition to a person, thing or idea.

Many traditional societies were patriarchal.

But modern UK society is less like that.

Everyone is meant to be equal.

Ah yes, but that's the unseen part.

And there's the social view of things too.

Rachel Robnett, a researcher at the University of

Nevada surveyed a number of people in the US and UK, and

found that the husbands of women who keep their maiden

names are viewed as 'feminine',

while the women are believed to 'wear the trousers'.

If you 'wear the trousers' in a relationship, it means you 'have the control and make

the decisions for both people'.

I wondered about that, so I went out into London and

asked people what they thought about a man who took his

wife's name when they got married.

Here's what they said.

I don't think it's a bad idea at all.

My dad's 55 and he took my mother's surname.

If people want to do it, then all the power to them.

It's each to their own really.

It doesn't hurt anybody.

And it's no different from a

woman taking a man's name.

The only reason I think that anybody should take someone

else's surname if just for the creation of a family unit.

But if it's just out of principle, I don't agree.

It seems that the people I talked

to are comfortable with the idea.

Yes. Most said that people are free to do what they want.

One woman even mentioned the creation of a family unit.

A unit is a group of people living or working together.

A typical family unit would be two parents and some children.

Well, that answers that question.

People don't seem to mind who takes who's name.

Speaking of questions.

How about our quiz question?

I asked you in which country it's been forbidden

since 1789 for a citizen to

change their name legally, even after marriage.

A) Japan, b) France, or c) Turkey?

And I said b) France.

And you were spot on as usual, Neil.

Let's take a look at the vocabulary, shall we?

First we had maiden name.

This is a woman's family name before she is married.

My mother refused to give up her maiden name to my

father when she got married.

Then we had double-barrelled.

A double-barrelled name is two names that are joined by a hyphen.

Can you think of any famous examples?

Well, there's the Duchess of

Cornwall Camilla Parker-Bowles for one.

She's married to Prince Charles – next in line to the English throne.

Then we had patriarchal.

If something is patriarchal, it is controlled by men.

The feminine equivalent is matriarchal, controlled by women.

Then we had bias.

A bias is unfair support or opposition to a person, thing or idea.

Many fans are biased in favour of their football team.

Then we had wear the trousers.

If you wear the trousers, you have the control and make the

decisions for both people.

Do you wear the trousers in your marriage, Neil?

Oh, we both wear the trousers in my marriage, thank you Dan.

Then we had unit.

A unit is a group of people living or working together.

Like the BBC Learning English team… or unit!

And that's the end of this 6 Minute English.

Don't forget to checkout our Facebook, Twitter,

Instagram and YouTube pages.

And we'll see you next time.

Bye!

Bye!

Hello and welcome to 6 Minute English, I'm Catherine.

And I'm Neil.

Now, Neil, you're a dad, aren't you?

I am a dad.

How did you know?

Is it the grey hair in my beard?

Is it the wrinkles around the eyes?

I thought that was just your age.

Well, yes, maybe.In today's programme, we're going to

be talking about fathers and how being a father has changed over the years.

But before we hear more about this topic, our question for the day.

According to recent research in the UK, what

percentage of men are present when their children are born?

Is it… a) 55%, b) 75%, or, c) 95%?

What do you think?

I think a lot of men these days like to see their children born.

It's not culturally inappropriate so, I'm going to go for 95%.

Well, we'll find out if you're right at the end of the programme.

Now, Dr Anna Machin is an evolutionary anthropologist.

She studies, among other things,

how human behaviour has changed and is changing.

She's written a book called The Life of Dad.

She's been studying new fathers and

spoke about her research on the

BBC's Woman's Hour programme.

She asked why men want to become fathers.

She starts by saying that there are lots of

reasons but how many does she mention in her answer?

There's lots of different reasons why men want to be fathers...

for some of them it's just a stage in life they've reached.

They've got the house, they've got the

job, now it's time to have a family.

Sometimes they admit that actually they're not that keen, but

their partner wants a baby, so they're kinda going along with it.

And a reasonable number actually

say they do it because they want to undo what their father did to

them, so rewrite history in relation

to fathers and the experience of fathering, to be a better father than their father was.

How many reasons does she mention?

She mentioned three reasons.

The first was that it was that time in life – the guys had a

home and a job and having children was the thing to do next.

Another reason was that it was what their partners wanted, even

if they weren't that keen themselves.

If you're not keen on something it means you are 'not enthusiastic

about it', it's not really something

you want to do, but because it's what their partner wants they

agree to it, or as Dr Machin said, they're going along with it.

Yes, going along with something,

is a phrase that means 'agreeing

to do' something even though you don't really want to do it.

It's interesting that Dr Machin said that some men admit to this.

To admit to something is to 'say or agree that

something is true even if you're perhaps ashamed of it or you

don't want it to be true'.

There was one more reason she mentioned and that was that

some men become parents because they want to be a better

father than their own father had been.

Let’s listen again.

There's lots of different reasons why men want to be fathers ...

for some of them it's just a stage in life they've reached.

They've got the house, they've

got the job, now it's time to have a family.

Sometimes they admit that actually they're not that keen, but their partner

wants a baby, so they're kinda going along with it.

And a reasonable number actually say they do it because they

want to undo what their father

did to them, so rewrite history in relation to fathers and the

experience of fathering, to be a better father than their father was.

So what is it about some father's own dads that they didn't like?

Here's Dr Machin again.

Well, in some cases, you know, the

father would be neglectful, some

fathers were absent and others

they just felt they were a very, I suppose, we'd say a 1950s

father so distant, disciplinarian not actually involved in their

child's daily life and certainly not involved in their care.

So today's generation fathers, even in the 10 years that I've been

studying dads we've seen a massive evolution in how hands-on fathers are.

She talks there about some negative characteristics associated with dads in the past.

She suggests that some fathers didn't have a very close relationship with their

sons, they were absent which means they weren't at home a

lot and 'didn't spend time' with their children.

Yes, and some fathers were seen as a disciplinarian.

That describes someone whose main communication

with their children was to give them strict rules and tell them

off or punish them if they did something wrong.

These days, according to Dr Machin, fathers are much more hands-on.

This phrase means they are 'much more involved' with their

children and share bringing up their children with their partners.

And talking of sharing, Neil, come on – it's time to tell me

the answer to today's question.

Yes, indeed. According to recent research in the UK, what

is the percentage of fathers who are there when their children are born?

Was it 55%, 75% or 95%?

And I said a very optimistic 95%.

Being optimistic is good obviously because you are correct.

That's fantastic!

And now, for something else fantastic, our review of today's vocabulary…

We started off with admit to for when you say something is true,

even if it might make you look a little bit bad.

And before we go on I have to admit, Neil, that it

was me who ate your biscuit.

Which one?

The one that you left on the desk.

That's all right.

I wasn't really keen on it anyway.

It had been on the floor.

What? Yuck!

Yeah, well, it serves you right!

And to be keen on something

is our next phrase, meaning 'being very interested in and

enthusiastic about' something.

Then we had to go along with something.

This is when you agree to do something even if you are not keen on it.

An absent father is one who is not at home to spend time with his children.

And some fathers are disciplinarians.

They 'have strict rules and they give out punishments' but these

days more fathers are hands-on which means they are

'very much involved' in looking after and bringing up their children.

Well, that's all we have time for today.

Join us again next time and

remember you can find us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter,

YouTube and of course our

website bbclearningenglish.com.

See you soon. Goodbye!

Bye!

Hello and welcome to 6 Minute English. I'm Dan.

And hello, I'm Rob.

In today's programme, we're going to be looking at what our

brains are doing when we are using dating apps.

Now, Rob, have you ever used a dating app?

No way, I would never use one.

Hmm, so Rob, can you explain, when talking about dating apps,

what we mean by swipe left and swipe right?

Ah, yes. These are not new words but technology has given them new meaning.

To swipe is the movement of your finger on a

smartphone to change the screen you're looking at.

So imagine turning the page in a book, well, on a phone, you swipe.

In some dating apps, they show you pictures of people you might find attractive.

If you do like them, you swipe right.

If you don't like them, you swipe left.

We will dig deeper into this topic shortly, but first, a question.

In the UK, approximately how many marriages start with the couple meeting online?

Is it: a) One in three, b) One in four, or, c) One in five?

What do you think?

Well, all of those seem quite high to me, so I'm

going to guess in the middle, one in four.

Well, we'll find out if you're right later in the programme.

Now, Alice Gray is a science communicator and blogger.

Recently she was a guest on BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour

programme and she was asked about what goes on

in our brains when we use dating apps compared to

when we meet people in real life.

What difference does she say there is?

It's very easy to think that just with these instantaneous

swipe left, swipe right, that the process in our brain of

how we pick out a suitable mate would be very different,

when actually it's really similar to how we do it in person.

So she says that what goes on in our brains is actually very similar.

Online we make decisions very quickly about who we like.

These decisions are almost immediate - she used the adjective instantaneous for this.

So, we make these instantaneous decisions then

choose to swipe left or swipe right.

In real life, we do the same thing.

We know almost immediately when we see

someone if we find them attractive or not.

Although of course in digital dating, one you've

swiped left you will never see that person again and you won't have the chance to meet.

In the real world you could meet someone you don't find attractive

instantaneously and then get to

know them and find that you do quite like them.

Yes, that is true, but then possibly they won't like you.

And then you have to deal with rejection.

Rejection is when someone doesn't find you attractive

and they don't want to spend time with you or get to know you.

So what's the difference in our brains between online

rejection and real life rejection?

Here's Alice Gray again.

We see that a lot of the patterns associated with

rejection in real life and rejection on dating apps

are similar, just the exposure to the rate of the amount of

rejection you get on dating apps is a lot higher than the ones in real life.

So in real life you'll have time to, sort of, compute

the rejection, get over it a little bit,

and dust yourself off and get on with it.

Whereas the rate of rejection

on dating apps is so high it's often hard to cope with

one coming in after another.

So, she says that our brain's response to real life and online

rejection is quite similar, but in the digital world you can be rejected many more times.

In real life you have a bit more time to recover from the

rejection, to get over it, as she says.

You can dust yourself off which is a way of saying

you think positively to make yourself feel better - imagine falling over on the ground,

when you get up, you might be covered

in dust and dirt, you need to dust

yourself off to make yourself ready again, before you carry on.

In the online world though, you don't have that time.

Online dating apps can lead to many rejections

and psychologically that can be difficult to manage.

Another way of saying 'difficult to manage' is difficult to cope with.

Well, we don't want you to reject us, so time now to give you the

answer to that quiz question before a recap of today's vocabulary.

I asked: in the UK, approximately how many

marriages start with the couple meeting online?

Is it: a) One in three, b) One in four, or c) One in five?

Hmmm, so I said b) one in four – 25%.

Was I right?

Sorry, Rob, the answer is a), one in three.

Does that surprise you?

Yes, it does, I didn't think it would be that high.

It's the sign of the times, Rob.

Digital world – digital dating!

Let's have a look at that vocabulary.

OK, well, we started with the verb to swipe.

The movement of our finger on smartphone or

tablet screen to indicate whether we like someone or not.

Swipe right for like, swipe left if you don't like.

Our decisions on whether we find someone attractive or not are often instantaneous.

This adjective means immediate, at once.

Rejection is when you let someone know that you are

not interested in them, you don't want to be romantically involved with them.

If you are rejected you might need some time to feel better,

and for this you can use the phrasal verb get over.

It can take some time to get over a rejection.

Yeah, I know!

Being positive and optimistic after a rejection can be described as dusting yourself off.

But, having many rejections can be difficult to cope with, which means it can be difficult to

manage, difficult to keep positive.

Well, we hope you don't swipe

left on this programme and you will join us again next time.

Remember you can find us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter,

YouTube and of course our

website bbclearningenglish.com.

And don't forget our new BBC Learning English app.

Oh good idea. See you soon.

Bye.

Bye bye!