4 tips to kickstart honest conversations at work | Betsy Kauffman

Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz

翻译人员: Mengran Liang 校对人员: Grace Man

我有两个正值青春期的儿子，

大的 16 岁，小的 13 岁。

跟大部分多孩家庭一样，

兄弟俩儿的个性完全不同。

他们两个都非常棒， 各自有许多优点。

I have two teenage boys.

One is 16 and one is 13.

但是， 他们最大的不同在于：

And like most families with multiple children,

我大儿子说话知道适可而止，

they are completely different.

而我的小儿子，就没那么多顾忌了。

Both are wonderful and have many great qualities about them,

我小儿子有时真的口无遮拦，

however what really sets them apart

is that my older son knows when to bite his tongue

特别是当要公开发声、 直白地讲出他的想法时。

and my young son, not so much.

大概三年前，

You see, my younger son really struggles with having a filter,

一群街区里的大人和小孩聚到了 一块儿，试图解决一个大矛盾。

especially when it comes to speaking up

当时，孩子们几乎都互相对峙。

and saying exactly what's on his mind.

About three years ago,

有很多孩子在哭、在吵、 在大喊大叫，

a bunch of kids and adults in the neighborhood had come together

我觉得我们不可能找到 一个解决办法。

to work through a big conflict.

当我们正情绪高涨时，

The kids were basically at war with each other.

我小儿子突然用最冷静、最清晰、 最直白的口吻，

There were lots of tears, screaming, shouting,

and I felt like we would never get to a resolution.

转身对另一个孩子说，

“你知道，你之前一直在撒谎。 你说的并不是事实。

When we were in the height of everything,

my younger son, in the most calm, clear, matter-of-fact tone,

现在是时候该坦白了， 将真相告诉大家。“

所有人一下子屏气摄息。

turned to another child and said,

"You know you were lying. You know that's not what happened.

没人能够跟他争论， 没人能够反驳。

It's time to come clean and tell everyone the truth."

他表达态度如此真切和诚恳。

The entire group stopped.

我记得自己当时为他感到非常骄傲，

They could not argue with him; they could not dispute him.

因为他有那勇气、那自信公开发声。

His manner of delivery was so real

and so honest.

而那一刻促使我反思，

And I remember feeling really proud of him in that moment,

在这个社会里，为什么我们对 说坦白说话产生如此的恐惧，

because he had the courage and the confidence to speak up.

特别是当我们在一群同龄人， 或在一群同事当中？

And that moment started getting me thinking.

如果这种情况能发生， 该多有多棒： 你可以跟老板直言

Why as a society have we created this fear to speak up,

她之前设置的项目期限， 根本不合理。

especially in a group of our peers or our coworkers?

又或者，你敢于对你的同事说 他们这样是在故意刁难？

Wouldn't it be amazing if you could tell your boss

好，我知道你们当中 有些人十分幸运，

that that project deadline she put out there

你们的工作环境重视 这种公开、诚挚的态度。

is completely unreasonable?

And what about being able to tell a coworker

但是，在我作领导力和 组织培训的工作中，

that they're being really difficult?

Now I know some of you are lucky enough to be able to work in places

我能告诉你，这种情况并不常见。

that value that kind of openness and honesty,

我观察了上百个工作情境，

培训了很多人， 他们的工作环境都让他们不敢发声。

however in my work as a leadership and organizational coach,

I have to tell you that is not the norm.

他们害怕在公开的场合里 进行坦诚的对话，

I've observed hundreds of scenarios

特别是当他们极需这样的对话时。

and coached multiple people through situations

你或许已经想到 我接下来要描述的场景：

where they are afraid to speak up,

你们在开会，有人提出一个主意，

they're afraid to have those honest conversations out in the open,

并不是所有人都赞同这个主意，但是 没有任何一个人说出自己的想法。

especially when they're needed the most.

And you probably know what I'm talking about:

两秒钟过后，有人拿起自己的手机，

you're in meeting, somebody pitches an idea,

开始给会议里的其他人 发了一条信息，

not everyone agrees,

but no one says a word.

And then about two seconds later,

说明刚才那个人的主意有多傻。

somebody picks up their cell phone

我们别忘了，类似的例子还有 著名的“茶水间谈话”。

and begins sending a text message to somebody else in the same meeting,

当会议一结束，

telling them how stupid the idea is.

一部分与会的人员就会赶去 找他们的同事或同僚，

And let's not forget the proverbial watercooler conversations.

通常在饮水机旁，

开始提出关于刚才会议的各种观点。

As soon as the meeting over,

但问题是，意见应该在会议中 提出来，而不是结束之后。

they rush over to a peer or a group of coworkers

probably near a watercooler

所以，我给了自己一个任务，

我想要阻止 这种消极对抗的信息再出现，

and offer all kinds of opinions about that meeting.

把所有的“茶水间谈话” 拉到会议当中去。

But the problem is that it's after the meeting

instead of during it.

我相信，当我们能在会议上 进行这种坦诚的对话时，

So I'm on a mission.

I want to stop the passive-aggressive texting

整个工作氛围都将改变。

and start bringing the watercooler conversations front and center.

我们会变得工作效率更高，

做事不畏手畏脚， 甚至工作得更加开心。

I believe when we can start to have these types of conversations,

现在，我经常会被问道：

it will change the dynamics of how we all work together.

你该如何鼓起勇气来 开始这样的对话？

We'll become more productive,

less fearful and even happier at work.

特别是当你不在领导的职位时，

又或者，你的工作环境并不看重 这种公开和诚挚的对话？

Now, I often get asked:

how do you muster up the courage to have those kinds of conversations,

在我看来，关键在于下面四点：

especially if you're not in a leadership position,

自信、意图、

or you work in a place that does not value that kind of openness and honesty?

表达和不懈地寻求解决方案。

And for me, it comes down to a combination of four things:

现在让我给你逐一分析。

第一点是要自信。

confidence, intent,

我知道，说的容易做的难。

delivery

and always striving to seek a solution.

但是，我有个小窍门希望能帮到你。

So let me break those down for you.

下次，当你在会议中 想要大声说出自己的想法

The first one is confidence.

但却对此感到紧张和焦虑时，

And I know -- easier said than done.

我会建议你用一种我称之为 “显而易见队长”的策略。

However, I have a little trick that I hope will help you.

The next time you're in a meeting and you want to speak up

下面是具体方法：

叫我“显而易见队长”，

但是那个方案难道有 触及到我们的问题吗？

but you're feeling a little nervous or anxious,

I would recommend you use what I call "the Captain Obvious strategy."

通过呼喊“显而易见队长”， 给现场增加些幽默氛围，

It goes something like this:

"Call me Captain Obvious,

但也可以同时检视在会议上，其他人 听到、看到、想到的是否跟你一样。

but isn't that solution not really going to address our problem?"

By saying "Captain Obvious" out loud,

通过这种自信的发声，

it basically adds a little humor to the moment,

你也为其他人的勇敢发声开了先例。

but it also does a check of the room

to see if anybody else is hearing, seeing or feeling the same things.

其实，你不一定每次都要 大声喊出“显而易见队长”。

And by having that confidence to speak up,

you then open the door to allow others to have that same confidence.

你也可以在发言前 低声地在自己的脑海里说出，

就像你在重要比赛前给自己打气。

Now you don't always have to say Captain Obvious out loud.

无论你如何运用这种策略，

You can say it quietly in your head right before you speak up,

自信是首要一步。

kind of like you're mentally pumping yourself up before a big game.

现在让我们谈下一步 ——意图。

意图，讲的是发声 要有目的、有原因。

Regardless of how you use this strategy,

confidence is the first step in all of this.

意图，讲的是我们要 明白、清楚通过自己的发声，

So let's move on to intent.

我要么是想解决一个问题， 要么是要谈论一个情况。

Intent is about having a purpose and a reason to speak up.

例如，当某人在会议上故意刁难，

Intent is about knowing and understanding that by me speaking up,

我把他们单独叫出来， 我的意图不是要让他们难堪。

I either want to work through a problem or address a situation.

我的意图是要让他们意识到， 他们的行为让其他成员感到压力。

For example, when someone is being really difficult in a meeting

and I call them out on it,

而我的小儿子， 他的意图是把真相公之于众。

my intent is not to embarrass them.

My intent is to make them aware

他叫另一个孩子“骗子”， 并不是仅仅为了泄愤。

that their behavior is putting a strain on the group.

嗯……

For my son, his intent was that the truth be heard.

起码我不认为他是。

他当时只有十岁， 所以我也可能错了。

He wasn't just calling the other child a liar out of spite.

无论如何，他潜在的意图是 想真相能公之于众，

Well ...

at least I don't think he was.

这样，我们才能找到解决方案。

He was only 10 at the time, so I could be wrong.

我认为，当你带着积极的意图开始，

However, his underlying intent was that the truth be heard

人们更倾向于用开明的态度来 接收你的信息。

so that we'd get to a resolution.

好了，下一步我们要讲——表达。

I feel when you go in with a positive intent,

表达，是关于你该 如何构架实际信息。

it's much more likely that your message will be received with an open mind.

表达需要基于事实、真实表述。 我所讲的“真实表述”——

Alright, let's move onto the third step, which is delivery.

是指不要对你想讲述的情况 进行任何修饰。

Delivery is about how you frame the actual message.

并且，在表达时， 一定要考虑听众的感受。

Delivery needs to be factual,

我来举个例子： 假设你在一个小组里工作，

real -- and when I say real,

I mean no sugarcoating what you're trying to say --

其中有个人总是没投入工作。

and it must always take the receiver's feelings into account.

每个人都清楚这个情况，

因为你们几乎每天都在茶水间里 谈论这个人的表现，

Let me give an example.

Let's say you're working on a team

and you know there's an individual who just isn't pulling their weight.

但是没人想要把这个情况 拿出来公开讨论。

Everyone knows it because you talk about this individual almost every day

接下来几周大家牢骚不断， 工作效率大幅下降，

at the watercooler,

然后，你终于决定要在组里 对这个问题展开讨论。

but nobody wants to bring it up in the larger group setting.

下面我为你演示恰当的表达方式。

Then after several weeks of grumbling and some serious loss in productivity,

“队友们，过去好几周

you finally decide we need to have a conversation as a larger group.

我们都没有实现我们的目标。“

简单、直接、对实际情况 没有任何修饰。

So let me show you how the delivery should look.

"Hey team, we have not met any of our commitments

然后，你继续说到：

”嗨，这位队友，我们看了下数据，

over the past several weeks."

Simple, direct, no sugarcoating situation.

发现你最后三项冲刺目标 都没有达成。”

And then you would continue:

——“基于事实”。 我们有数据支持我们的担忧，

"Hey team member, we've looked at the data

而且这也提供了 进行这次讨论的原因。

and we've realized that you have not been able to meet your commitments

那么，现在就是我们要 仔细考虑听众感受的时候了。

over the past three sprints."

Factual. We have the data to show these are our concerns

“我们担心你并没有 得到所有需要的资源，

and why we're having this conversation.

而我们或许可以 给你提供更多的援助。”

And now this is where we really want

to take the receiver's feelings into account.

表达共情、关心，按我的经验， 这样的方式几乎总有效用。

"We're concerned that you do not have everything that you need

and that we need to do something better to support you."

如果我们能够在公开场合 进行这样的讨论，

Empathetic, caring,

就会创造出一种 让团队能自信发声的氛围。

and in my experience, it almost always works.

而在我的经历中， 一些这样的队伍已经

When we're able to have these types of conversations out in the open,

成为了他们公司里表现最好的团队。

it creates the environment where the team feels more confident to speak up.

仅仅是因为他们能够进行这的讨论。

想象一下。

And in my past experience, some of these teams have become

好，现在，让我们来谈论最后一点：

some of the highest-performing teams in the company,

我们进入会议时，必须要带着 “寻求解决方案”的思维模式。

just by being able to have those types of conversations.

在我看来，这是最经常 被忽略的一点。

Imagine that.

Now let's move on to the last piece of this,

which is always entering a conversation

你们当中有多少人试过， 在会议上讨论了所有的问题，

with a mindset of wanting to seek a solution.

把会议所有的时间 都花在了匆忙地过过问题上，

And for me, that's the piece that I see that is missing the most.

会议结束前， 你才发现不得不再另外开一个会

How many of you have been in a meeting and you work through a problem,

来讨论这些问题的解决方案。

but you realize you've spent the entire meeting hashing through the problem,

是的，这情况发生得 远比你想象的多。

and then you get to end of it

再比如，你在做一个项目， 遇到了一个问题，

and you need to schedule another meeting just to work through solutions?

你努力地想要解决它， 但是看不到一线曙光。

Yep, probably happens more than we'd like to admit.

然后，你把跟这项工作 关系更密切的同事叫到会议室，

Let's say you're on a project,

and you know it's a problem,

希望你能从中发现问题的症结， 找到解决方案。

you've been slogging through it with no end in sight.

So you call somebody into the room that's a little bit closer to the work,

但是他们进来却说：

“这个项目简直是场灾难！

hoping that you can understand what the problems really are

我们没有足够的人手、技巧、 资源和科技来完成它。

and work through a solution.

But they come into the room and this is what they say:

我们可能还要另外追加一百万美元 来结束这个项目。”

"This project is a disaster.

We do not have the people, the skills,

然后，他们就转身离开了。

随便一提，

the resources or the technology to get this done,

and we're going to need to spend a million more dollars

我把这种时刻称为 “掉麦（克风）时刻” ——

都是没有功效的。

before we see it to the end."

And then they leave the room.

好，我知道这个例子有点极端，

So just as an FYI,

但是，在工作中类似的“掉麦时刻“ 其实每天都在上演。

that's what I call a "mic-drop moment,"

and those moments are not productive.

这就是为什么我们要带着 “寻求解决方案”的思维模式

Now, I know that was an extreme example,

去展开会议非常重要。

however mic-drop moments like that happen every day at work.

更好的情况是，

你还带上了可能的应对方案 去参加会议，

That's why it's so important that we come into a conversation

这样一来，你就创造了 更多的空间去解决问题。

with a mindset of wanting to seek a solution.

Even better,

好，如果我能倒回到 “掉麦”前的一刻，

if you actually bring possible solutions to the conversation,

我希望，我建议， 对话能像下面这样：

that then creates the space to start to work through options.

“我们刚意识到，组织内部并没有 足够的人手、技巧、资源和技术。

So if I could rewind that mic-drop moment,

I would hope and recommend

这是我们在进行这个项目时， 总在苦苦挣扎的原因。

the conversation go a little bit more like this:

我想，如果我们能使用 这个外部供应商——

"We've come to realize we don't have the people, skills, resources

他们有经验， 而且做过类似的活儿——

or technology in-house.

That's why we're struggling so much on this project.

我们将能够完成这个项目， 实现目标。”

I think if we were to use this external vendor,

你看，可能的方案给问题带来可能的答案。

who we know has this experience and has done this type of work before,

we're going to be able to complete it and meet our goals."

好，你们当中有些人可能会说， 理论上，这是一个很好的想法，

There. Possible solutions create possible options.

但是，在我的工作场所里， 这永远不会发生，也不会被认同。

我想要挑战你去改变这种想法。

Now I know some of you may be saying this is a great concept in theory

因为公开发声是很有力量的。

十次有九次里， 当我想要公开发声时，

but will never happen or be accepted where I work.

我打赌当场至少 还会有另外一个人有同样的想法。

I would challenge you to change your thinking,

because there is power in speaking up.

很棒的是，一旦有人 开始讲出真实的想法，

真正的讨论就会开始。

Nine times out of 10, if I'm thinking it,

I bet at least one other person in the room is having that same thought.

再看我的儿子，

我相信他改变了整个人群的氛围，

And the beauty is that once it's said,

这仅仅是因为 他有勇气和自信公开地发声。

that's when the real conversations start to happen.

最好的组织应该充满着 各种能力层次的人，

Look at my son.

I believe he was able to change and entire group dynamic

而每个人都有同样的勇气 去着手解决困难的问题。

just because he had the courage and the confidence to speak up.

The best organizations are full of people at all levels

通过公开和诚挚的发声，

我们不但是在帮助自己，

that have that same courage to tackle the tough topics.

也在帮助组织展开 同样公开、诚挚的讨论——

这正是我们最需要的。

And by being open and honest,

叫我“显而易见队长”，

not only are we helping ourselves

难道你不也想 在这样的环境里工作吗？

but also our organizations to have these conversations.

谢谢。

And those are the ones that are needed the most.

Call me Captain Obvious,

but isn't that the kind of place that you want work in?

Thank you.