Building rapport with others - 6 Minute English

Hello. This is 6 Minute

English from BBC Learning

English. I'm Neil.

And I'm Georgina.

Georgina and I have got

to know each other very

well after working together

for so long.

I know what sandwiches

Neil has for lunch. Egg and

tomato right, Neil?

Right! And I know it

really annoys Georgina

when people don't wash

up their cups in

the staff kitchen.

So unhygienic!

But just as important

as getting to know

someone, socially or at

work, is getting on

with people. To get on

with someone is a useful

phrasal verb, meaning

to like someone and

enjoy a friendly

relationship with them.

Which is really important

if you work with

them every day!

And there's another word

to describe the good

understanding and

communication between

two friends: rapport.

Yes, how to build rapport

and get on with people

has been the subject of

many self-help books

over the years, and is

the topic of this programme.

Well, you and I must

have great rapport,

Georgina, because that

leads perfectly onto my

quiz question. In 1936,

American writer Dale

Carnegie wrote a famous

self-help book on building

rapport. It sold over

30 million copies, making it

one of the best-selling

books of all time - but

what was it called? Is it:

a) How to get rich quick?,

b) How to stop

worrying and make

friends?, or

c) How to win friends

and influence people?

I think I know this, Neil.

I'm going to say, c) How

to win friends and

influence people.

OK, Georgina, we'll find

out if that's the right

answer at the end

of the programme.

When it comes to

getting on with people,

psychologist Emily Alison

has a few ideas. She's built

a career working with

the police as they build

rapport with criminal suspects.

Emily is the author a new book,

'Rapport: the four ways to

read people' and, as she

told BBC Radio 4

programme All In The

Mind it isn't easy to

get along with everyone:

I often describe

rapport-building in a

relationship as like

walking a tightrope

because you really do

need to maintain that

balance of being

objective, treating

people with compassion

but that doesn't mean

I'm sympathetic, I'm

collusive - it's that

balance between

judgement and

avoidance.

Emily describes rapport

building as like walking

a tightrope, an idiom

to describe being in

a difficult situation

which requires carefully

considering what to do.

Building rapport with

"terrorists" or violent

criminals isn't easy. Emily

doesn't sympathise with

what they have done, but

she tries to remain

objective - to base her

judgement on the

facts, not personal feelings.

In her book, Emily identifies

four main communication

styles which she names

after animals. The best

at building rapport is

the friendly and

cooperative monkey.

Then there's a pair of

opposites: the bossy

lion, who wants to take

charge and control

things, and the more

passive mouse.

Here's Emily talking

to BBC Radio 4 s,

All In The Mind, about

the fourth animal, the

T-Rex. Try to listen out

for the communication

style of this personality:

You've got the T-Rex

which is conflict - so this

is argument, whether

you're approaching it

from a positive position

where you can be direct,

frank about your

message or you

approach that in a

negative way by being...

attacking, judgemental,

argumentative, sarcastic,

and that actually breeds

the same behaviour back.

So anyone who has

teenagers will 100%

recognise that - if you

meet sarcasm with

sarcasm, it's only

going to go one way.

All four communication

styles have good and

bad points. On the positive

side, T-Rex type people

are frank - they express

themselves in an

open, honest way.

But T-Rex types can

also be sarcastic - say

the opposite of what

they really mean, in

order to hurt someone's

feelings or criticise

them in a funny way.

Yes, sarcasm is a

strange thing - like

saying, "Oh, I really like

your haircut", when

in fact you don't!

Yes. There's an English

saying that sarcasm

is the lowest form

of humour, but I

think British people

can be quite

sarcastic at times.

Well, I can't image

you'd make many

friends being rude

to people. Maybe they

should read Dale

Carnegie's self-help book.

Ah yes, your quiz

question, Neil. Was

my answer right?

In my quiz question,

I asked Georgina for

the title of Dale

Carnegie's best-selling

self-help book about

building rapport.

What did you say?

I said the book is

called, c) How to win

friends and influence people.

Which is the correct

answer! And I guess

you've read it, Georgina,

because you have

lots of friends.

I hope you're not

being sarcastic, Neil!

Absolutely not! I'm

not a sarcastic T-Rex

type, more of a

friendly monkey!

OK, well, let's stay

friends and recap

the vocabulary from

this programme, starting

with rapport - a good

feeling between two

people based on

understanding

and communication.

If you get on with

someone, you like and

enjoy a friendly

relationship with them.

Walking a tightrope

means to be in a

difficult situation

which requires careful

consideration of

what to do.

To be objective is to

base your actions on

facts rather than

personal feelings.

When building rapport

with someone, it's good

to be frank - to express

yourself in an open,

honest way.

But not sarcastic - to

say the opposite of

what you really mean,

in order to hurt

someone's feelings

or criticise them in

a humorous way.

Well, Neil, if we run

over six minutes

we'll break our rapport

with the 6 Minute

English producer, so

that's all for this

programme! Join us

again soon for more

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useful vocabulary...

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Bye for now!

Bye!