How To Create More Confidence [& Stop Being Shy]

Well hey there I'm Emma from mmmEnglish

and today I want to show you how you can

communicate confidently in English, especially

if you feel shy.

Do you sometimes feel shy when you speak

in English?

Perhaps you don't feel shy all the time. Maybe there's

another adjective that you want to insert

into this space instead.

Let me know your adjective down in the comments

below and let's get started!

Now shyness is a deeply personal experience.

The way that I experience shyness is different

from the way that you do and the way that you

experience shyness is different from someone else

who's watching this video right now.

So I want to go over some strategies that you can

use to feel less shy when you speak to people.

They may not all work for you but I'm hoping

that there are a couple of little gold nuggets in there

to get you excited about

changing the way that you feel.

Being shy relates to how fearful you are

in social situations so it relates to

how you feel when you interact with other people.

Now most of us are pretty relaxed when we're

chatting with our friends right but we might feel

shy or a little nervous when speaking to our boss.

If you're learning a language, it is completely possible

to feel shy in some situations where

you just wouldn't feel shy if you were using

your own language so your level of shyness

and anxiety changes in different situations

so that means that shyness is not a permanent state.

You absolutely have the ability to change it.

If you are disagreeing with some of the things that

I'm saying right now then it's probably not worth

continuing with this video. We're just gonna have to

agree to disagree.

You can stop being shy.

Shyness can be overcome and confidence

is something that you can learn and you can

practise it over time.

So I've got some tips to help you

do this in today's lesson.

Now you may already know that in addition

to the lessons and courses that I create

here at mmmEnglish,

I'm also the founder of The Ladies' Project,

a social networking platform for women

learning English.

The Ladies' Project makes it easy and affordable

for women around the world to connect,

make friends, practise and speak English with ease.

The reason I'm sharing this with you today is

because over at The Ladies' Project, I've created

a free mini course to help you find the courage

and the confidence to speak in English.

Anyone can sign up to the course and complete it

for free.

I've linked to it down in the description below.

When you're talking to someone in English and you're

feeling shy, what are you thinking about?

What are you worried about?

What's going through your head?

You might be thinking something like

I'm gonna say the wrong thing

and I'm gonna embarrass myself or

I don't think they like me.

I don't think they can understand me.

I think they think I'm stupid

and I don't know what I'm talking about right now.

I don't know what to say.

All of these things right?

But here's the thing. The real reason why you feel shy

and you have trouble connecting with others

is because in this moment when you're feeling shy

you are far too focused on yourself.

To feel less shy,

you have to stop thinking about yourself.

With all of these thoughts going on in your head

how can you have a genuine meaningful

conversation with anyone?

You're so lost in your own doubts and worries and

concerns instead of paying attention to the

opportunity that's right there in front of you.

So what we need to do is shift the focus

away from yourself and deliberately

focus on the person that you're talking to instead

which brings me to my next point.

Be curious.

Be curious about the people that you're talking to

right treat any conversation as if it's a

a mini investigation.

What can you learn about this person?

What can you find out about them?

If you adopt this mindset, you do a couple

of really awesome things.

So firstly, it's going to help you to take the focus off

yourself right and you'll feel less worried about

what you might do wrong or what you said wrong

but the second thing is that it helps that person that

you're talking to feel like you're interested in them

which is what we all love to feel in a conversation

right? You can practise this skill anywhere. It doesn't

matter if it's with your boss or with the

guy at the corner store, whatever.

Just practise this skill of being curious.

To do this well

you need to practise asking questions.

Just simple questions and have a few of those

simple questions on hand,

ready to ask at any moment.

There are so many little opportunities that pop up

during a day when you could ask someone

Hey how's your day been so far?

Or have you got any plans for the weekend?

Questions like this are simple but they help to

open up a conversation

and they help you to start investigating.

I've made a whole video about small talk questions

so if you need some ideas and some

inspiration for questions to ask,

check it out. I've linked it up here.

Now what about when you get asked

a question during a conversation because

if you're feeling nervous and shy,

your natural reaction will probably be

quick answer something! Say something quickly!

Don't go into detail

there's less chance that you'll make a mistake.

Quick just say something and get out of there!

But this discomfort, that fear that you feel

in those moments is exactly where you need to play.

You know, when you get asked a question

recognise that fear when you start to feel it and then

challenge yourself to stay there where that fear is

and elaborate a little more on your responses

so if someone asks you a simple question

and your answer is yes or no,

always, always, always, always

aim to give more detail in your answers.

Never provide a one-word answer,

always think of a way to elaborate.

Another way to overcome shyness and actually

speak up in a conversation is to have

a story to share.

So stories are what connect us as humans right

and sharing them helps you to develop

meaningful relationships and connect with people

in a more personal way. So think about the stories

that you can share. Think about some of the really

common questions that you get asked.

I mean, for example, where are you from?

You know, you could easily say

I'm from Lebanon

or you could choose to elaborate

and you could say something like

I'm from a beautiful village in the mountains in

the north of Lebanon where it snows on the peaks

even in the middle of summer.

And just by sharing that little extra bit of information

I'm instantly intrigued. I'm much more likely to ask

you another question since you've been so

open and so generous with your response.

So I'm asking you now, can you think of a story

related to your hometown?

If you can just practise telling it, what words can

you use to describe the people or the smells

or the food or your family traditions, just rehearse

that story.

Write it down, get it in the right order.

Get all the right bits in there and just practise it

over and over again until it comes naturally.

This is one of my tactics that I use because

for a long time, if someone asked me

Tell me about your business, I'd get really stuck

and I'd freeze and I was kind of embarrassed about it

like why can't you just explain what you do

really easily? Why is it so weird?

So I decided that I was going to write it down

and I got all of the right bits of information

that I needed in there to help explain it,

got it in the right order.

Then I practised it, I practised it in front of the mirror

I practised it when I went walking and over time

it started to come more naturally and now

I've got no problem in sharing a quick answer about

what I do in my business.

By doing this, I created more confidence in myself.

So that when someone asked that question,

I didn't freeze you know, I thought okay

I've done this before

you know, there's nothing to be worried about here.

Just share what you've already prepared.

Now if all of this sounds a little staged

and a little prepared, well that's because it is

and this is a skill that you need to practise right?

It's a strategy to help you overcome shyness

so we're starting by preparing

and organising your thoughts on paper

and practising them and over time, doing this again

and again and again is going to help it to come

more naturally from you.

Another strategy to help you overcome shyness

is to talk to as many people as possible

which sounds like awful advice for a shy person right

but the reality is that practice is what will help you

to overcome your shyness.

Watching other people talking to each other is not

going to help you. You have to find a way to do

the hard work yourself

and I promise that little by little,

it's going to become easier.

One of the biggest tips that I can share with you right

here is to practise speaking with strangers.

So if you're shy about speaking English

and you're worried about making mistakes

and looking silly

speak to people you don't know.

They are the best ones to make mistakes on because

you will likely never see them again, right?

So even if you do make a mistake and you feel bad

for a second, it doesn't matter.

Even if they realise you made that mistake,

even if you think oh my god that was ridiculous

you're not going to see them again,

it doesn't matter.

And lastly, notice your progress.

After any English interaction that you have

take a moment to focus on the positives.

What are the things that went well?

Did you maintain eye contact?

Did you manage to smile and

feel a little more relaxed?

Did you ask a question that got a really interesting

answer? These are all little wins you know and

these are the things that we often overlook,

especially if we make a mistake.

The mistake is the thing that we think about

all the time because it's what hurts

but there are really positive things happening

all around you if you take a moment

just to appreciate them.

So I want you to intentionally

recognise and celebrate what went well.

Becoming more confident and less shy is

not something that you can make

happen instantly like that, you know.

You have to accept that it's a process

and it's going to take some time and to keep going,

to stay focused, you must celebrate

every step that you take in the right direction.

Hopefully, I can keep nudging you along

in that direction as well you know, a little

further away from fear and doubt and a little closer

to confidence and you know, feeling really good

in your English interactions.

That's it from me today.

I hope that this video has given you a few

new ideas

and maybe inspired you to take some action.

Don't worry if the steps that you're taking feel small.

As long as those steps are all going in the

right direction, you're in a good place.

Lots of love. See you soon!