6 Things You Should Never Say in a First Time Conversation

Hey there I'm Emma from mmmEnglish.

Have you ever been in a situation where you've met

someone for the very first time but you said something that

must have been inappropriate.

You felt that tension, that awkwardness.

I mean when you meet someone new, you really don't

have a lot of time to make a good first impression, do you?

So today I'm gonna highlight six things that you just

should never say in a first time conversation

and we're going to look at some alternatives to make sure that you

do look good

and make a first good impression in that conversation.

Remember to like this video, give it a thumbs up, hit that subscribe

button, that way I know exactly what videos you love

and I can keep making more for you.

In this video today, we're going to be talking about relaxed

friendly conversations, ones that take place every day

at work, at school, at universities

but these are also the places where we feel most intimidated

and nervous because we may be trying to impress someone

or you know, perhaps it's a more formal context.

So as I'm sharing these different expressions

throughout the video, pay close attention to the tone,

the intonation and the way that I'm expressing these thoughts.

It's so important, you could say the exact words

that I'm telling you to say but if your delivery is a little off

well then it can easily get misinterpreted or misunderstood.

Make sure you try and repeat each sentence after me,

try to imitate the way that I say it.

Ask yourself: Where's the word stress here or

am I using a soft tone or am I being really direct?

I'll explain more about it as we go but let's get started.

Our first one is

when someone asks you if you like your job

or you enjoy what you do.

So in that situation, do not say:

My work is so boring.

I can't stand the people I work with.

When you first meet someone, avoid being negative

about your place of work. Don't complain about your job,

your boss or your colleagues, even if really you don't like it.

I know you might be thinking:

Emma, I'm just being honest.

But complaining like that really only reflects poorly on you

and studies show that you know if you say something negative,

the person that you're having a conversation with will associate

that negativity with you

and not the actual situation that you're talking about

and you don't want that when you first meet them, right?

So instead, you could start by saying something positive like:

There are some aspects of my job that I really enjoy

but I have to admit, I'm finding it difficult to

work with a colleague,

get along with my boss,

feel excited about the work that I'm doing.

These are much better alternatives.

Number two.

How much money do you make?

And how much rent do you pay?

Do you know what, in some cultures,

this question is totally okay to ask

but for people who come from places like the US, the UK

and here in Australia, it's not okay.

People would be quite taken aback if you ask that question

especially if you've only just met them.

It could make them feel quite uncomfortable and there really isn't

a way to tactfully ask this question. It's actually better to just

avoid it completely.

However

if you do really need to know this information

for some specific reason then make it an indirect question

to make it more polite.

If you don't mind me asking, how much do you pay for rent?

Number three.

You're nicer than I thought you'd be.

If you've heard about someone before you met them

or maybe you've seen them somewhere before

well you might think that that's a really

great way to start a conversation,

that it's a way of paying a compliment.

And let me tell you why.

Because it implies or suggests that you thought the person

was mean before or the opposite of whatever you said

so if you said:

You're so much prettier than I thought you'd be.

It kind of suggests that you thought they were ugly,

it's not a good way to start a conversation.

If you want to pay someone a compliment then just

keep it simple and say it straight.

You're a lovely person.

You're so kind.

That way there's no confusion.

All right. Number four.

Sarah is really lazy.

I mean this applies to any negative comment about

a colleague or a friend or a classmate.

When you meet someone for the first time, you might point out

friends or colleagues, other people in the office

and share some information about these people.

But like I mentioned before, when you are gonna say

something negative about someone,

that negativity just reflects on you

right? Even if you're talking about someone else

it just makes you sound

not very nice yourself.

So instead of saying that Sarah is lazy, you could say:

We're all quite hard workers

some work a bit harder than others.

Notice I'm not saying any specific names?

Okay next one.

You look so tired!

You look so fat today!

Now in some countries implying someone is fat is okay

because it signifies wealth

but in other countries including most English-speaking countries,

it's really inappropriate to highlight someone's appearance

in a negative way.

There's no

say this instead here right?

If you notice that someone has put on a little bit of weight

don't mention it at all.

If you think someone's pregnant, don't say anything.

It's just safer to wait and avoid hurting their feelings

especially if you're wrong.

This reminds me of a time when I felt a little embarrassed

and awkward in a conversation that I was having with someone

because I asked an older woman if she had any children.

She said no

but left the answer hanging there and I instantly felt

bad and uncomfortable because

you just don't know when you ask this question.

Had she tried to have children and she couldn't?

Maybe she wanted to but she never found the right person.

You know or something else.

And after the awkward silence, she said:

I know what you're thinking. Everyone always thinks that

but I'm really happy. I chose not to have children.

I really love my life.

That's also

another example of a type of question that maybe

is not always appropriate to ask when you first meet someone.

You just don't know everyone's stories, the background, right?

Whether or not you are upsetting them

or making them feel uncomfortable.

In that case, fortunately it was just me feeling uncomfortable

and I learnt a lesson.

Okay so if you do meet someone for the first time

and they look tired and you want to comment on it

well you could first start by making a comment about yourself

and say:

I really struggled to sleep last night.. how did you sleep?

So this is more indirect and they'll be inclined to open up a little

rather than getting defensive.

So if you're sharing that you didn't get a lot of sleep

you might then allow them to say:

Oh gosh I haven't slept for days!

And it's probably then that you could say:

Yeah, you look a little tired, you look exhausted.

How old are you?

Now in some cultures, this question is actually really important

so that you know how to address the person that you're talking to.

You need to use a certain

pronoun to show respect but this is not the case in English.

Our pronouns are more neutral so the question about age is

really uncommon. In fact, it's unnecessary

which is why it can make people feel a little uncomfortable

especially if you ask it during your very first

conversation with someone

because there's no benefit to you knowing it apart from  

potentially judging them in some way.

It's just another question that you should probably avoid

but if you do have to ask and not in the first conversation

but maybe in a later conversation then again,

try making it an indirect question.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

It's much more polite and it gives them the space to choose

not to say anything.

So I hope you enjoyed this lesson and that it helped you to learn

a few new ways to express yourself during your first meetings

and first encounters with new people that you meet.

And look, if you have done some of these things before

don't worry about it at all, we all have.

It's not the end of the world.

And if you're ready to keep your conversation practice going

then make sure you join me right here in this next lesson

and if you like this video,

give it a like, hit the subscribe button, turn on notifications

so that you know when my next lesson is ready for you.

I'll see you in there!