The 100 Tampons NASA (Almost) Sent To Space -- and Other Absurd Songs | Marcia Belsky | TED

譯者: Wei C. 審譯者: Shelley Tsang 曾雯海

Thank you all so much, how's it going?

非常感謝，大家好嗎？

How are you doing, TED, TEDWomen?

TED，TEDWomen，你們好嗎？

They brought me in for a bit of comic relief.

他們找我來是為了 來點喜劇放鬆效果

I’m so excited to be here at TEDWomen.

我很興奮能來到 TEDWomen

You know, I think I speak for myself,

你知道，我不僅是為了自己

but also for all of us,

也為你們發言

when I think I'm really inspired, you know, and personally,

當我受到很大的鼓勵時

I feel like I'm not going to stop until every person,

我自己覺得，我不會打算停下來

直到每一個人

living or dead, is a woman.

不論死活，都變成女人

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Yeah.

是啊

Yeah, I think that's where we're at.

我想這就是我們現在的狀況

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

No, but I do hate when people say that God is a woman, right?

不，但我真的很討厭 有人說上帝是女的

I hate that.

是吧？我討厭那種說法， 我認為女的上帝會做得更好

I really, I think she would have done better, you know?

No.

不

(Laughter and applause)

（笑聲和掌聲）

It's like, if God is a woman, she's a real guy's gal,

如果上帝是女的，就會是 和男生混的那種女生吧？

if you know what I mean?

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I'm going to do a couple songs for you guys.

我要為大家唱幾首歌

So this first one I wrote before lockdown, but it became especially relevant.

第一首歌是我在封城之前寫的

但它變得特別有共鳴

And it's about this thing I do where I like somebody, I have a crush,

它講的是我的一種習慣

當我喜歡或迷戀一個人， 或者我們約過幾次會

or maybe we go on a couple of dates.

And instead of letting things unfold naturally,

而我不是讓一切自然發展下去，

I'll sort of accidentally scroll their Instagram back until 2012.

我會不小心一直滑他們的IG， 往前看到 2012 年為止

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

This song is about that.

這就是這首歌所講的主題

(Music)

（音樂）

(Singing) I learned too much about you too soon because I couldn’t wait.

（唱歌）我太早了解你太多，

因為我等不及

Yes, I internet-stalked you

是的，我在網路上跟蹤你

to the point that we can no longer date.

到了我們無法再約會的程度

Because I know your mother's name

因為我知道你媽媽的名字 和你爸爸的名字

and your father's name

and your sister's name

還有你姐妹的名字

and your cousin's husband's name.

還有你表親的先生的名字

I know that your uncle recently passed away,

我知道你的叔叔最近過世了

and I'm so sorry about that, babe.

我很遺憾，寶貝

I know every girl that you've ever dated,

我知道你曾經約過的每一個女孩

and the exact day you stopped being happy --

以及你從哪一天開始不再快樂——

Your posture changed.

你的拍照姿勢變了

I know that you and your friends hike.

我知道你會和朋友去健行

A lot.

很常去

It's too much, we'll change that.

太過頭了，我們要調整一下

Seen every photo tagged of you on the entire internet.

看過整個網路上 有標記你的每張照片

I know you dropped out of college, but your Spanish, it's polished,

我知道你沒讀完大學， 但你的西班牙文，很精練

and you own approximately five shirts.

且你的襯衫大約只有五件

The police are outside my door,

警察在我家外頭

but I'm clutching your hair doll I made on the floor.

但我抓著從地上撿來你的頭髮 做出來的娃娃

If they ever tell people how often other people look at their profiles,

如果他們會告訴別人， 其他人有多常看他們的個人檔案

I will kill myself.

我會想自殺

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So goodbye,

所以，再會

lover I stalked.

被我跟蹤的愛人

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you.

謝謝

(Applause)

（掌聲）

It's vulnerable.

這很感傷

I feel like it's a thing people say

我覺得這很像是大家常說的

when conversation gets, kind of, boring at parties, you know,

當派對中的談話變得無聊時，你知道的

they're like, "Did you hear there's an app

他們會說，＂你有聽說過一個app

where you can see who looks at your Instagram?"

可以知道誰看過你的IG嗎？＂

It's like, that's not funny.

拜託，這不好笑

It's not funny, it's not a cool thing to say.

不好笑，也不是什麼很酷的事

I feel like there are people here who have been married for 40 years, like,

我覺得這裡會有人已經結婚了40年，會想說

"What the hell is she talking about?"

＂他到底在說甚麼鬼？＂

Yeah, it's complicated now.

沒錯，這變得複雜多了

It's gotten complicated in.

這年頭的東西

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Audience: We’re not so ancient!

觀眾：我們沒那麼老！

MB: No, I know.

沒有，我知道

You don't have to be old to be married 40 years,

結婚40年了的人都不會太老

some people get married when they're, like, 20.

有些人在像，20歲的時候結婚

Not me.

但不是我

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I do understand why, like, baby boomers are sort of afraid

我不懂為什麼嬰兒潮時代的人 那麼害怕

now that millennials are getting older, you know,

現在千禧世代的人逐漸變老了， 你知道的

now that we're getting real jobs, I do get that.

我們現在找到真正的工作了， 真的

You know, it's hard to imagine a millennial in a serious job, right?

很難想像年輕人有一個真正的工作，對吧?

Can you imagine a millennial as a doctor?

你可以想像年輕人當醫生嗎?

You know?

你懂嗎?

Like, "Not to be a bitch, but you have cancer."

就像，＂我不想當個賤人，但你得癌症了＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

You know, like hands your prognosis like,

你知道，拿給你預後報告的時候

"I'm really sorry.

＂我很遺憾

Actually, I'm not sorry."

，才怪＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I'll tell you a little about myself.

跟你們介紹一下我自己

I had a pretty crazy last couple of years.

近幾年我過得很瘋狂

So basically, I had this set come out for Comedy Central, a short set,

所以基本上，我幫喜劇中心想出這個段子, 一小段表演

that came out April 2020.

在2020年4月的時候＂

So right when we had just gotten into lockdown.

就在我們被封城時

And then cut to like six months later,

而跳到六個月後

one of the songs I did from that set went super viral on TikTok.

有一首我寫的歌在抖音上快速爆紅

And I was not on TikTok, OK,

我沒有玩抖音好嗎？

because I'm 32, so I, sort of, didn't know we were allowed.

因為我已經32歲了，所以我 不知道有沒有被允許可以玩

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

But we are.

但我們也可以玩

And it was crazy because there's all these people lip-synching my song,

看到大家都在對嘴我的歌， 感覺很瘋狂

but in my real life,

但在現實中

I had just started this job working customer support

我其實才剛開始當

for a food delivery app.

食物外送app的客服

So answering phone calls for customer support.

就是接客服的電話

The worst job I've ever had in my life.

這是我這輩子最糟糕的工作

So it was this really weird juxtaposition

所以這兩件事真的很反差

because I'm having this huge career moment when I look at my phone, right?

因為我在手機上處於事業巔峰，對吧？

People are tweeting at me like, "We love you. You're a genius."

大家都發推文跟我說， ＂我們愛你，你是天才＂

And then for eight hours a day, people are, like,

然而一天中有八個小時， 人們卻是在說

"You're a bitch, where's my food?"

＂你這個賤貨，我的食物呢？＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And it was really interesting to experience.

這真的是個滿有趣的經驗

So I'm going to play this song for you guys,

所以我接下來要來為你們演奏這首曲子

and then I'm going to go over some of my favorite male reactions

然後帶你們看一下我最喜歡的

that I got on the internet afterwards.

網路上男性同胞的反應

So this song, maybe you've heard it, maybe you haven't.

所以這首歌，有些人可能聽過， 有些還沒

It is the true story

但它是真實故事改編

about the first American woman who they ever sent to space,

關於第一個被送上太空的美國女性

whose name was Sally Ride.

叫做 莎莉‧萊德

(Singing) Remember when NASA sent a woman to space

（唱歌）記得當初NASA送女性上太空

for only six days

只待了六天

and they gave her one hundred tampons?

但他們給他100個衛生棉條？

One hundred tampons.

100個衛生棉條

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And they asked, "Will that be enough?"

然後他們問說，＂這樣夠嗎？＂

(Music)

（音樂）

Because they didn't know if that was enough.

因為他們不知道這樣夠不夠

These are our nation's greatest minds.

這些人是我們國家的菁英

They are literally rocket scientists.

他們是真的書呆子

They also tied the tampons together by the strings like sausages.

還把棉條像串香腸一樣綁在一起

One hundred tampons.

100個衛生棉條

A hundred tampons.

100個棉條

I can picture it now.

我可以想像那個畫面

Come with me.

跟我來

"I'm Sally Ride, and I'm going to space for the first time.

＂我是莎莉，我將首次進入太空＂

I'm walking tall.

我昂首闊步

I feel so proud.

覺得非常自豪

Then I see a man running panicked through the crowd.

然後我看到一個男人驚慌失措的穿過人群

He's holding a large bag.

抱著一個大包包

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I think, what can this be?

我想，這些是甚麼呢？

And then he hands 100 tampons to me.

然後他把100個棉條遞給我

And then he hands 100 tampons to me.

然後他把100個棉條遞給我

For one week.”

可以用一個禮拜

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"They could have asked me.

他們大可以先問我的

I would have said, "Maybe 33."

我會說，＂大概33個禮拜＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

“Because even if it were my period week,

因為即使我真的那個來

I might have already brought some with me."

我早就會自己準備一些

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"But, you know ...

＂但是，你知道

Thanks, I guess."

還是謝了，應該吧＂

One hundred tampons.

100個棉條

How does she use a tampon when they tied the strings together?

他們把它綁在一起是要她怎麼用？

One hundred tampons.

100個棉條

Don't hate me.

別恨我

525,600 tampons --

525600個棉條

So sorry,

抱歉

525,000 tampons

525000個棉條

in space.

在外太空

Thank you all.

謝謝大家

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you so much. Thank you.

謝謝你們，謝謝

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

謝謝，非常感激

So men on the internet were furious about this song.

總之，網路上的男士們對於這首歌都非常生氣

Furious.

氣炸了

And it's funny because honestly,

這很奇怪，因為老實說

out of all the feminist comedy songs that I've written,

在所有我寫的女權喜劇歌曲之中

this is the absolute tamest by far.

這已經是最委婉的了

Like, for example, me and my bandmate Isabel Martin,

像是我跟我樂團的朋友，伊莎貝爾

we wrote a song called “All Older White Men Should Die (But Not My Dad).”

我們合寫了一首歌叫 ＂所有白人老頭都該死（除了我爸）＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So I really didn't think this would make them that angry.

所以我不覺得這首歌會惹他們生氣

I really didn't.

我真的不覺得

But they were enraged.

但他們超氣

So I wanted to show you some of my favorite genres

所以我想給你們看一些

of comments that I got.

我最喜歡的留言的類型

So this first one,

第一個

we have what I call the honest critic, just offering a critique.

我們有我稱之為最誠實的評論家， 所給出的評論

OK, so he starts,

好，開始了

“It was funny at first but then she ruined it.”

＂一開始很好笑，但然後她毀了它＂

OK, all right, let's hear him out.

OK，好，讓我們聽下去

Someone said, "Please elaborate."

有人說，＂請解釋清楚＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

All right, you have criticism, let's hear it.

太好了，你有意見，讓我們來聽聽

"She kept yappin' about the tampons."

＂她一直廢話著一些棉條＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And you know what? Fair.

你知道嗎？好啊

So, you know, I'm going to take that.

所以，你知道，我會接受這個批評

I mean, to be honest, the tampons is sort of a central part of the song.

我是說，這些棉條應該算是這首歌的宗旨吧？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But I'll take the note, you know, we'll work it going forward.

但是我還是會筆記下來，你知道， 我們等等就知道後續發展

This next one I call the microgravity expert.

另一個我叫他＂微重力專家＂

And this was an absolutely amazing phenomenon,

這真的是一個很神奇的現象

because what happened was

因為發生了什麼

somehow within the three to four minutes of my song,

不知怎麼，在這首歌短短的3到4分鐘內

thousands of men on the internet

網路上數千名男性

became experts in microgravity and menstruation.

都變成了微重力跟生理期專家

And I think that is so impressive,

所以我想說這很令人印象深刻

because normally that sort of takes years to really understand.

因為這通常要花上幾年才能完全理解

But they got it like that, and I just think that is huge.

但他們馬上就懂 所以我覺得這意義非凡

He said, "At that time,

他說，＂在那個年代

nobody had experienced having a period in microgravity.

沒有人有在微重力的情況下 來大姨媽的經驗

Relax."

別激動＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Because really, that's what they're angry about,

但真的，這才是他們生氣的點

as they're sitting at their computer, like,

當他們坐在電腦前，說

“Stop laughing! It isn’t funny!”

＂不要再笑了!這不好笑＂

This next comment, this pissed me off

下一則留言讓我最火大

more than anything.

比任何事都還要火大

This type of comment, I'll just show you.

這類的留言，我給你看

“Look up Bo Burnham, if you liked.”

＂如果你喜歡的話，去查 柏·本漢＂

And then the person said, "I did look him up and he's really good.

然後這個人說 ＂我真的去查了，他很棒

Thanks for the suggestion."

感謝推薦＂

Guys, can we focus on me?

各位，可以只關心我就好嗎？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Can we please focus on me?

我們可以關心我就好嗎？

Bo Burnham has had three Netflix specials, alright?

柏·本漢有三集Netflix特別節目，好嗎？

I just quit my job at customer support, OK?

我才剛辭掉客服的工作耶！

So let's just focus on me.

所以我們關心我就好

OK, it's my song.

好，這就是我的歌

OK, thank you.

好，謝謝

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Thank you so much.

謝謝你們

This last one.

最後這一個

This is what I call the essayist,

這是我說的散文作家

and this is somebody who I’m sure were pitching to The New York Times,

而且我很確定這個人有去投稿紐約時報

and The New York Times said, “We’re full this month.”

但是紐約時報說，＂我們這個月都收滿了＂

So they decided to just DM it to me directly,

所以他們決定直接私訊我

and I think that's great.

我覺得這很棒

This went on for several paragraphs, I will say.

這看來寫了好幾段

"Does 100 tampons really seem that unreasonable

＂考慮到是NASA,

considering that it's NASA?"

100個衛生棉條真的很不合理嗎?＂

Huh?

有嗎？

"I'm male" -- No! --

＂我是個男的＂——不！——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I really thought this message was a woman, that's ... wow!

我真的以為這是女生寫的，真是．．．哇！

"And I understand that you wouldn't take 100 with you on a 7-day vacation,

＂我能理解你不會在7天假期中帶100個，

but NASA had to plan for the absolute worst-case scenario.

但是NASA要為了最糟糕的情況做打算

From a quick Google... "

很快速的Google之後．．．＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"I see most women use three to 10 tampons per day,

＂我查到大部分的女生 一天會用到3到10個棉條＂

10 being an absolute disaster of a flow."

＂用10個當它是個 完全土石流的時候＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

“An absolute disaster of a flow.”

＂完全土石流＂

Because this is what their fear was, wasn’t it?

這是他們擔心的點，對吧？

The men at NASA, they're like, "She's going to get up there,

NASA的男生們，他們就這樣， ＂她上太空的時候

it's going to come out of her eyes and her ears and her mouth.

那會從她的眼睛、耳朵 和嘴巴裡流出來

And if we don't have 100 tampons, boys, we're in trouble.

所以如果我們不帶100個棉條

We're in real trouble up there, boys."

會出大事的，兄弟＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So I wrote him back, I said, "You're absolutely right.

所以我就回他， 我說，＂你說的對極了

I'll cut the song.

我會把這首歌下架

I'll delete it right now. It doesn't make any sense.

我現在把它刪除， 它完全在亂寫

You're completely right."

你說得真對

But in all honesty, I am really, really thankful

但是說真的， 我真的、真的很感謝

if this song started any conversation

如果這首歌造成了任何與論

where it might otherwise be uncomfortable about periods,

在很多應該會對生理期 感到排斥的評論區

that's a lot of the feedback I got.

我得到了很多反饋

And that was the most amazing thing to me,

有一件特別神奇的事

like, people sending it in their Slack channels to their bosses,

人們會在Slack的頻道中 傳給他們的老闆

texting it to their dads.

傳給他們的老爸

And I just think it's really insane,

而我只覺得這真的很瘋狂

as we all know that half the population bleeds

因為我們都知道全世界一半的人會流血

and the other half has no idea what is going on.

但另一半則完全搞不清楚狀況

And I'm really grateful for that.

而我很感謝它

And I know it sounds cheesy,

我知道這聽起來， 有點自作多情

but I often just find myself thinking

但我時常發現自己在想說

that I really hope Sally would have liked it.

我真心希望莎莉能夠喜歡

So thank you all so much.

所以感謝你們大家

Thank you.

謝謝

(Applause)

（掌聲）