3 ways companies can support grieving employees | Tilak Mandadi

Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

翻译人员: Xu Yang 校对人员: Bruce Wang

三年前，

我失去了我的女儿。

她遭遇了性侵，被杀害了。

About three years ago,

她是我唯一的孩子，

I lost my daughter.

只有19岁。

She was sexually assaulted and murdered.

震惊过后，

内心尽被悲伤填满，

She was my only child

我失去了人生所有的意义和目标。

and was just 19.

As the shock wore off

这时我听见了女儿的声音。

and the all-consuming grief took over,

她要我活下去。

I lost all meaning and purpose in life.

如果是我离她而去，

她会缺乏继续生活的动力。

Then my daughter spoke to me.

就这样，我和妻子苏珊开始绝望地

She asked me to keep living.

If I am not around,

从失去女儿的痛苦深渊中爬出来。

she will have one less heart to continue to live in.

With that, my partner Susan and I started our desperate climb

在这段旅程中，我们带着悲伤回到了生活中，

out of this deep hole of trauma and loss.

却出乎意料地找到了

一个不可思议且非常有帮助的盟友：

In the journey back to the land of the living with grief,

我的工作。

we unexpectedly found

起初，我甚至不确定我是否应该回去工作。

a rather unlikely and very helpful ally:

我陷入自我怀疑。

my work.

作为一名高管，

At first, I wasn't even sure if I should go back to work.

我手下有数千名员工，

数十亿美元资金。

I had a lot of self-doubt.

经历所有创伤后，

As a senior executive,

我的头脑是否仍能敏锐、富有创意地胜任这项工作？

I'm responsible for thousands of employees

and billions of dollars.

我还能与人产生共鸣吗？

After all that trauma,

我能否摆脱

is my mind still sharp and creative enough for that job?

将时间用于工作而不是陪伴女儿的

Can I still relate to people?

怨恨和遗憾吗？

Can I get past the resentment and regret I felt

让苏珊独自处理她自己的悲痛

about all the time I spent working

是否公平？

instead of being with my daughter?

最后，

Is it fair to leave Susan home alone,

我决定回去工作，

dealing with her own grief and pain?

我很高兴我这样做了。

At the end,

我们都在生活中经历过悲伤和不幸。

I made the decision to go back to work,

对于我们大多数人来说，

and I am very glad I did.

这意味着，在某个时刻要在悲伤中

We all experience grief and loss in our lives.

起床去工作。

For most of us,

在那些日子里，

that means, at some point, getting up and getting back to work

我们会一直背负着难以承受的悲伤，

while living with the grief.

但同时也希望工作能够帮助我们恢复

On those days,

急需的目标感。

we will continue to carry the incredible burden of sadness,

but also a hope that work itself can restore for us

对我来说，工作一开始只是有效的分心手段，

that much-needed feeling of purpose.

但之后在许多方面，

都具有真正的治疗作用和意义。

For me, work started out as just a productive distraction,

事实证明，我重返工作岗位对公司来说也是一件好事。

but evolved to being truly therapeutic

我知道我并非不可或缺，

and meaningful in so many ways.

但事实证明保留我的专业知识是非常有益的，

And my return to work proved to be a good thing for the company as well.

I know I'm not indispensable,

我的回归帮助所有团队避免了混乱和干扰。

but retaining my expertise proved to be very beneficial,

当你失去了生命中最宝贵的东西，

and my return helped all the teams avoid disruptions and distractions.

你会更谦卑，还会拥有一种格外不同的视角，

不再自视甚高，也不再拘泥于议程安排。

When you lose the most precious thing in your life,

因此，我觉得我成为了一个更好的同事和领导者。

you gain a lot of humility

and a very different perspective free of egos and agendas,

尽管从中获益匪浅，

但我重返工作岗位远非易事。

and I think I'm a better coworker and a leader because of that.

它非常困难。

最大的挑战

For all the good that came from it, though,

是必须将我的个人生活和职业生活完全分开。

my reentry into work was far from easy.

It was very hard.

你知道——

The biggest challenge

早晨哭一场，

was having to separate my personal and professional lives completely.

但在8点准时把笑容挂在脸上，

You know --

表现得若无其事，好像一切和以前别无二致，

OK to cry early in the morning,

but slap a smile on the face promptly at eight o'clock

就这样度过工作日。

同时活在两个完全不同的世界，

and act as if everything is the same as before

一直掩饰自己，

until the workday is over.

Living in two completely different worlds at the same time,

这让我——

让我筋疲力尽，

and all the hiding and pretending that went with it,

我感到分外孤独。

慢慢的，我克服了这些挣扎，

it was --

it was exhausting,

获得了自信和认可，

and made me feel very alone.

能够全身心投入到工作中。

Over time, I worked through those struggles

最直接的效果就是，

and I gained the confidence

我再次从中找到了快乐。

and the acceptance to bring my whole self to work.

在重返工作岗位的艰难旅途中，

And as a direct result of that,

我了解到工作场所的同理心文化的力量。

I found joy again in it.

During that hard journey back to work,

不是同情，

也非怜悯，

I learned the power of having a culture of empathy in the workplace.

而是同理心。

我开始相信，

一个以同理心为核心文化的工作场所，

Not sympathy,

not compassion,

but empathy.

是令人愉悦且富有成效的，

I came to believe

that a workplace where empathy is a core part of the culture,

能够让员工更加忠诚。

that is a joyful and productive workplace,

我认为公司可以做三件事

来创造和培养工作场所的同理心文化，

and that workplace inspires a great deal of loyalty.

I believe there are three things a company can do

特别是帮助像我这样哀痛的员工。

to create and nurture a culture of empathy in the workplace in general

第一，制定政策，

让员工平静地处理他们的不幸，

and support a grieving employee like myself in particular.

不必忧虑行政后勤问题。

One is to have policies

第二，为员工提供重返工作岗位的治疗，

that let an employee deal with their loss in peace,

without worrying about administrative logistics.

将其纳入健康福利计划。

Second, provide return-to-work therapy to the employee

第三，

为所有员工提供相互支持的培训——

as an integral part of the health benefits package.

我称之为同理心培训。

And third,

provide training for all employees on how to support each other --

在第一种帮助处理不幸的政策中，

最重要的政策是关于休假的。

empathy training, as I call it.

In the first category of policies to help deal with the loss,

诚然，悲伤是没有期限的，

the most important policy is regarding time off.

时间也无法挽回损失，

但休假让我学会

It's true that there is no expiration date to grieve

在日常生活中如何与悲伤共处。

and time cannot undo a loss,

我们不希望哀痛的员工不得不拼凑假期、

but time away from work helped me

figure out how daily life can coexist with grief.

病假、

无薪休假和其他假期。

We don't want a grieving employee to have to cobble together vacation days

正式的休假政策

还能够让员工

and sick days

and unpaid leave and whatever else.

重返休假前的工作岗位——

A formal time-off policy

这项政策将产生真正的影响。

就我个人而言，我非常感激回到之前的岗位。

that also allows the employee to come back to the same role they had

before their time off --

熟悉的工作、熟悉的人

that policy will make a real difference.

让我倍感安慰。

Personally, I was so grateful to come back to my old role.

公司可以提供给员工的第二点是

The familiar work, familiar people,

重返工作疗法。

provided a lot of comfort.

治疗帮助我鼓起勇气，

The second category of help companies can provide to employees

全身心地投入工作，

将我跨越的两个平行世界合二为一，

is return-to-work therapy.

Therapy helped me muster the courage needed

让我只拥有一种人生。

to bring my whole self to work

几年前，

and merge the two parallel worlds I was straddling into one,

我在一个周末将女儿的骨灰撒入太平洋。

and just have one life.

A couple of years ago,

那时——

那时太悲伤了。

I spent a weekend scattering my daughter's ashes in the Pacific.

当我下周一回到工作岗位时，

It was a --

第一次开会就是仲裁一场关于办公室壁纸的

it was a horrific time.

When I returned to work from that that following Monday,

激烈辩论。

one of the first meetings was to arbitrate a very passionate debate

我需要治疗去了解如何体谅

他人的正常生活，

on office wallpaper.

即使我自己的生活截然不同。

I needed therapy to figure out how to be considerate

治疗帮助我允许自己变得脆弱。

of others' normal lives

即使脆弱在企业界并不经常被视为一种力量，

when my own life is so very different.

Therapy helped me give myself permission to be vulnerable.

当看似无关的琐碎小事

Even if vulnerability is not often seen as a strength in the corporate world,

恰好在工作日

触发了内心深处的悲伤时，

when seemingly unrelated and just trivial things

治疗帮助我处理这些事情。

triggered deep feelings of sadness

当痛苦的周年纪念日和一些事情企图毁掉一天时，

right smack in the middle of the workday,

就像那天我接到德州骑警的电话，

therapy helped me deal with them.

And when painful anniversaries and events tried to hijack the day,

被告知杀害我女儿的凶手被捕的消息时，

like when I got a call from Texas Rangers

我正在工作。

治疗帮助我保持高效的同时，

仍能坦然面对自己生活中特有的经历

regarding an arrest in my child's death,

和痛苦的现实。

I was at work.

Therapy helped me stay productive

在重返工作岗位的治疗过程中，

while still remaining true to the unique realities

and the painful realities of my life.

我意识到一些事情。

我意识到从中学习到的许多东西，

During the course of the return-to-work therapy,

都一直对我的工作非常有帮助，

I had realized something.

无论我的损失如何。

I had realized that many of those learnings,

这让我想到了

they would have been very helpful for me at work all along,

公司可以做的最后一类事情。

independent of my loss.

为员工提供同理心培训。

And that realization brings me to the final category

听着，我知道这听起来很奇怪，

of things companies can do.

但同理心可以是一种习得的行为。

Provide empathy training to the employees.

对于一些人来说，同理心是自然而然流露的。

一位同事来看我，

Look, I know it sounds odd,

but empathy can be a learned behavior.

我的桌子上放着一个电子相框，

上面滚动着我女儿的照片。

For some, showing empathy comes naturally.

A colleague came to see me;

她要离开时对我说：

I had this electronic photo frame on my desk,

“蒂拉克，等你准备好了，

我非常愿意听你给我讲讲每张照片背后的故事。”

rotating through pictures of my daughter.

As she was leaving, she simply said,

她并没有忽略我的悲伤，

"Tilak, when you're ready,

也没有纠缠于此，

她只是允许我做我自己，

I would love for you to tell me the story behind each of those pictures."

与我建立人与人之间的连结。

She didn't ignore my sadness;

she didn't dwell on it.

这是她表达同理心的方式，

She simply gave me permission to be myself

我相信还有很多诸如此类的方式。

但并非每个人的同理心都是天生的，

and made a human connection.

传统的公司文化并不总是强调同理心。

This was her version of empathy,

of which I'm sure there are many.

一个人对我说：

But not everybody is a natural with empathy,

“我不敢相信你又回到了工作岗位，

我觉得我就做不到。”

and traditional work cultures don't always emphasize empathy.

这让我感觉很糟糕。

One person said to me,

难道是我不够爱自己的孩子吗？

"I can't believe you made it back to work.

I don't think I could have done it."

还有一个人决定代我发言，

Boy, did that make me feel awful.

指导其他人如何、何时与我互动，

Is my love for my child not strong?

Another person decided to be my spokesperson,

而这一切都在我不知情或未经我同意的情况下进行。

guiding other folks on how and when to interact with me,

有些人表现得若无其事，而他们的沉默却振聋发聩，

all without my knowledge or consent.

而这在某些方面轻视了我的不幸。

A few folks just maintained absolute stoic and deafening silence,

有些人在办公室谈天说地，

猜测我在经历了如此沉痛的创伤之后，

which in some ways trivialized my loss.

能否胜任工作。

Some spent a ton of water-cooler time

老实说，时间最好花在

speculating if I would be any good at all at work,

弄清楚如何帮助我上。

coming back from such a devastating loss.

甚至有那么一刻我还不得不去安慰别人，

Time, frankly, would have been better spent

那个人非常忧伤，

in figuring out how to help me instead.

对我说：“我理解你的悲伤，

我的狗去年死了。”

And then there was that moment where I had to console someone,

同理心训练可以避免在处理创伤时

very distraught,

who said, "I understand your loss.

My dog died last year."

固有的尴尬。

它可以给予人们信心，让他们全身心地投入到工作中去，

Empathy training can help avoid that inherent awkwardness

也让他们周围的人，

in dealing with loss.

有意识地接纳他们的样子。

It can give people the confidence to bring their whole self to work,

通过合作，

我们都会因此而变得更好。

and the people around them,

同理心训练可以帮助人们承认，

the awareness to accept them for who they are.

在生活经历巨变之后，同事会变成一个非常不同的人。

And together,

we'll all be better for it.

Empathy training can help people acknowledge

人们只需问一个简单而直接的问题：

that a coworker is a very different person after a life-changing loss,

你希望我做些什么来帮助你？

and ask that simple and direct question:

终有一天我会与我的女儿，

what would you like me to do differently to help you?

我的宝贝女儿，

再次相见。

她会像之前一样开我玩笑，

There will come a day when I finally see my daughter,

笑我总是工作。

但是她知道，

my little girl,

她是父母心中的重中之重——

again.

And as she always did,

she's going to make fun of me for working so much.

是第一位。

她会很欣慰，在她离开后，

But she knew.

She knew that she was the top priority --

工作让爸爸的生活有了目标。

number one priority.

正因为我所经历的不幸并不常见，

And she will be thankful that work helped Dad live a purposeful life

得到这样的解脱是难以置信的。

after she was gone.

孩子先于父母离世绝对是非常可怕的事情——

It is such an incredible relief

这并不正常，是一场彻头彻尾的梦魇。

that the loss I experienced is not as common.

但不幸并不少见。

A child dying ahead of the parent is just absolutely horrific --

如果做得恰当，

the most nightmarish and unnatural thing to happen.

重返工作岗位可以帮助我们度过不幸和悲伤。

But loss in itself is not uncommon.

公司可以通过在工作场所

培养同理心文化来做到这一点。

When done right,

returning to work can help us survive loss and grief.

这不是负担，无需大费周章，也不会耗资过多。

And companies can help do it right,

by fostering a culture of empathy in the workplace.

创造这样的一个工作场所，

让同理心成为公司文化的核心——

It's not a burden or a lot of effort or expense.

这将是公司可以做出的最佳投资之一。

And creating such a workplace,

where empathy is core to the culture --

谢谢大家。

it will be one of the best investments a company can make.

Thank you.