I Must Stop Saying But

There is one little word that changed my life,  more than once and nearly ruined my relationship.

In this video, I’m gonna explain why and help  you to avoid destroying your relationships  

with this seemingly innocent three-letter  word.

That’s right three letters …. B - U - T = BUT

“That was a lovely audition, honestly very nice,  BUT…you are just not right for this show, I'm sorry”

“This last year has been really hard for the  company. You have been exceptional throughout,  

putting in the hours, making   an extra effort to help us pull through…BUT  

I am afraid we have to make some cuts,  and so we won’t be renewing your contract."

B: “There’s something I want to say to you.” A: “OK, I’m all ears” 

B: “You are the most amazing girl I have  ever met. The time we have spent together  

has been wonderful, truly…BUT  I’m in love with someone else!”

Those are very painful memories…and…this  

little terror of a word is responsible  for much more than just a few rejections.

Let’s get technical! But (used in the way we  

are exploring today) is a conjunction and  we use it to introduce a phrase or clause  

that is contrasting with  what has already been said.  

Basically, if you make a statement and then you  say but, you just invalidate that statement.

‘You did a great job but we have to let you go’ -  No, if you really thought I had done a great job  

you would keep me on. ‘I love you  

but I can’t be with you’ - Well if you  really loved me then you would stay and we  

would work out any differences that we have. ‘I am sorry I shouted at you but you wound  

me up’ - Then you are obviously not sorry  because you are shifting the blame onto me.

You see even if your initial statement  is completely sincere and honest,  

using the word but just destroys that sentiment.

This was particularly apparent when  ‘but’ nearly broke up my family. You see,  

for the past two years, I have been working with  my life partner, the father of my two children,  

Nick. Having been together for over five  years we are in that comfy place, you know,  

the point where you no longer sweat the  small stuff, where you speak your mind,  

rarely dress up, and no longer try to impress  one another. In short, we take each other for  

granted. What I didn’t realise was the damage my  choice of words was causing this relationship.

We were spending our evenings  brainstorming ideas for our business and,  

later on, problem-solving & strategising. Now  Nick has been working with a team for years  

but I have been working alone, making videos, by  myself …and it showed. When Nick would suggest  

ideas and solutions that I was not on board  with, I would deflect it by saying things like: 

“Yeah but we can’t do that” “I understand you are passionate  

about this but I don’t like it” “It’s good but it won’t work”

In my mind I was simply being open and  direct, trying to get the work done.  

Nick on the other hand was feeling more and  more deflated, unappreciated, and unhappy. We  

were spiralling and I even starting to doubt if  we would ever get back into a good place again.

Luckily for us, we have an incredible coping  strategy, when things start to have a negative  

impact on our relationship we are able to stop  and properly talk things through without shouting  

and getting upset, and resolve our differences.  Nick taught me the dangers of using  

but, and we worked out some great options to use  instead, options I am going to share with you.

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Now let’s return to the conjunction BUT.  It’s a wonderful word really, very useful;  

however, it is overused and as we have seen,  in certain circumstances it can be abrupt.

There are many other words that we can use  to replace but, though it’s important to note  

that in almost all cases the sentence  will need to be restructured.

And is a great option, this gives  you the opportunity to give more  

reason to your contrasting clause. Let’s revisit 

‘I love you but I can’t be with you’ ‘I love you and I can’t be with  

you’ - this is simply confusing and  needs more detail. So let’s pad it out. 

‘I love you like a brother not as a boyfriend  and staying with you isn’t fair on either of us,  

for this reason, I can’t be with you’ -  this at least gives justification to the  

decision to leave and doesn’t disregard the  fact that she does actually care about him.

Instead of shutting an idea down try showing  that you are open to collaboration and bending. 

“I understand you are passionate  about this but I don’t like it” 

“I understand you are passionate  about this, and I’m keen to find  

an option that is also inline with my ideas.  Currently this option is a bit of a stretch.”  

This version is less direct and less  likely to get the other person’s back up.

Instead of BUT you might also  consider one of these words 

* however You are a great worker; however,  

we have to make you redundant * Though 

This is a great idea, though I  need help understanding it more. 

* Although You are welcome to come to the party,  

although you won’t know anyone there. * nevertheless 

He is a very intelligent student with great  potential; nevertheless, he is disruptive and  

cannot remain a student at this school. * Despite this 

Your audition was the best we have ever seen.  

Despite this, we shan’t be  offering you a part in our play.

Any of these options will  allow you to avoid repetition.

No matter what words you choose when talking to  important people in your life, just remember that  

they aren’t mind-readers, they don’t know your  true intentions, or if you have been having a bad  

day…they only know what you present  to them. So speak with kindness,  

challenge them with consideration, and remember  that words can impact people in different ways.