Is Your Partner “The One?” Wrong Question | George Blair-West | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: 麗玲 辛

Around 500 years ago,

大約五百年前，

Erasmus told us that prevention was better than cure.

伊拉斯謨告訴我們，預防勝於治療。

Now, that might seem forward-thinking,

那似乎是很有前瞻性的思維，

but when bloodsucking leeches are the best cure

但若吸血蛭是你手上能用的 治療方法中最好的選擇，

you've got at your disposal,

while you're hanging around, waiting from them to work,

當你在那邊等著牠們發揮作用，

you've got to start to wonder why this clearly bizarre treatment

你一定會開始納悶，為什麼 這種明顯很怪異的治療方法

was needed in the first place.

最初會被認為是必要的？

And I'm going to propose that preventing long-term relationship breakdown

我要提議的是：

預防長期關係破裂

和預防嚴重疾病一樣重要。

is as important as preventing serious illness.

And I'm going to suggest that the way we see romantic love,

我要指出，我們看待愛情的方式，

and in particular finding "the one,"

特別是找到「真命天子／女」，

is a big part of that problem.

是造成這個問題很重大的一部分。

So in my 20 years of working with couples,

在我協助夫妻的 二十年間，我漸漸了解到

I've come to see a relationship breakdown as being the result of an inability

關係破裂是因為沒有辦法克服

to overcome an emerging mismatch in the relationship.

關係中浮現出來的不對頻。 為什麼我要用「不對頻」？

Now, why do I use that word mismatch?

Well, it steps around an issue that can otherwise hijack therapy.

這樣就可以避開一個可能會 佔據治療時間的問題。

The question of who is to blame,

這個問題就是：要怪誰？

which of course is the other person.

當然，是對方。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And this approach allows me

這種方法讓我可以

to then focus on making or remaking the match.

專注於協助對頻或重新對頻。

But that got me wondering.

但這讓我很納悶。

So when does the mismatch begin?

不對頻是何時開始的？

If prevention is the goal, when does the problem take hold?

如果預防是目標， 問題是何時形成的？

I found that if I looked back, the majority of the time,

我發現，如果我回頭看， 大部分的時候，

I could trace it to before that couple actually even committed.

我甚至可以追溯到夫妻 在對彼此許下承諾之前。

Before they married, before they had children.

在他們結婚之前， 在他們生孩子之前。

For example,

舉例來說，

one of the more significant predictors of divorce

最能預測離婚的重要因素之一

is how long a couple date before the marriage proposal.

是夫妻在求婚前約會時間有多長。

In a 2015 US study of 3,100 people,

2015 年美國有一項研究， 對象有三千一百個人，

they found that if the couple waited one to two years,

他們發現，如果夫妻能先等一到兩年，

there was a 21 percent reduced likelihood of divorce

離婚機率就會減少 21%，

compared to if they proposed in less than 12 months.

相較於不到十二個月就求婚的夫妻。

But if you waited three and a half years

但，如果等候三年半，

等到熱戀期真正完全結束，

until the infatuation was well and truly over,

then the likelihood of divorce was reduced by a massive 48 percent.

離婚的機率就會大大減少 48%。

So my daughter, a dating coach,

我女兒是約會教練， 我們合寫了一本書，

and I wrote a book about how to choose your partner.

主題是如何選擇你的另一半。

It was an exhaustive psychological review on how to make an informed decision.

書中有詳細的心理評估， 說明如何做出明智的決定。

When that book came out recently,

這本書最近出版時，

what everybody wanted to talk about,

每個人都想談論的，

media and readers alike,

不論是媒體或讀者，

was a preference for not choosing the one,

是偏好不去選擇真命天子／女，

but finding them through the admittedly romantic process.

而是透過一般認為的 戀愛過程找到他們。

但這是一個非常被動的過程，

But it was a spectacularly passive process

of falling in love.

墜入愛河的過程。

Why?

為什麼？

Well, my take on it is that we would rather see

我的看法是，我們更寧願看到

the process of romantic love bring the one to us

談戀愛的過程把真命天子／女 帶到我們身邊，

rather than slowing down and evaluating in an informed way

而不願慢下腳步，明智地評估

whether or not they're a good match for us.

他們是否真的跟我們對頻。

When I looked at a deeper level, at a less conscious level,

當我探究更深的層次， 比較沒有意識到的部分時，

I saw that we really don't want to see it as a decision,

我發現我們真的不想 把它視為一個決定，

because then we have to take responsibility for it.

因為這樣我們就得為此決定負責。

And if it fails,

如果它失敗了，

that is a burden of some consequence.

就會有一些後果要承擔。

When it's a romantic process and it fails, well,

若只是談戀愛，失敗了， 那就是大家都會有的經驗。

that's a shared failure with the universe.

A much better deal than having to blame just ourselves.

比起只能怪自己要好多了。

Is your potential partner the one

你可能的伴侶 是否是真命天子／女？

is the wrong question.

這是個錯誤的問題。

事實上，我認為這個問題 更有可能導致離婚。

In fact, I believe that's a question that is more likely to lead to divorce.

But before we look at better questions,

但是，在討論哪個問題更好之前，

let's look at what's at stake.

我們先來看看有哪些風險。

Because I would suggest that choosing your lifelong partner

我會說，選擇你的終身伴侶

is the most consequential decision you will make.

會是你做出最具影響力的決定。

Most of us appreciate the pain, emotional and financial,

我們大部分人都會意識到

離婚對夫妻所造成的 情緒及財務痛苦。

that divorce causes a couple,

but it's the impact on the next generation that has my attention.

但我關注的是離婚對下一代的影響。

有一項針對一千四百人所做的研究，

The study of 1,400 people looked at the long-term impact

追蹤這些童年時期父母離婚的人 在三十二歲時呈現的長期影響。

of parental divorce during their childhood,

when they were followed up at age 32.

Now, as you can see,

如各位所見，

the children from the families where their parents had divorced

來自父母離婚家庭的孩子

were more than twice as likely to be divorced themselves

有至少兩倍的機率自己也會離婚

or to be unemployed.

或失業。

They were more likely to smoke on a daily basis

他們比較有可能 每天抽菸及飲酒過量。

and drink alcohol to excess.

They were much less likely to complete a university degree,

他們完成大學學業的可能性低很多，

with daughters a staggering 58 percent less likely to do so.

女兒的可能性更是降低了 58%。

And girls, apparently more vulnerable to parental marital breakdown than boys

而女孩顯然比男孩更容易 受到父母婚姻破裂的影響，

were more likely to suffer from a range of psychological problems.

更有可能出現各種心理問題。

It is said that alcoholism is not a spectator sport.

據說，酗酒問題旁人無法置身事外，

Eventually, the whole family has to play.

最終，全家都會受牽連。

And the damage from a parental relationship breakdown

同樣的，父母關係破裂造成的傷害

is equally impossible to limit to just the parents.

也不可能僅限於父母本身。

這就是為什麼生兒育女 會讓一切變複雜許多，

And this is why having children is a big complication

and a much bigger commitment than getting married.

也是比結婚更重大許多的承諾。

So how am I defining marriage?

那麼，我怎麼定義婚姻？

Well, I would see it as any relationship entered into by two people

嗯，我會把它視為

兩個人之間產生的任何關係， 基礎條件是這關係是長期的，

on the basis it will be long-term

且受到法律或是習慣法承認。

and is recognized either legally or in common law.

But for the record,

但，特此強調，

I believe any two people

我相信，任何兩個人，

of any persuasion, of either gender

不論信仰為何，

不論性別為何，或沒有性別，

or of no gender,

who wish to spend their life together should be legally able to do so

在世界上任何地方， 只要他們希望與彼此共度餘生，

throughout the world.

法律上他們都應該能這麼做。

But for the purposes of this talk,

但，為了這場演說的目的，

we're going to be looking at legal marriages

我們會談的是法定婚姻，

because they're the ones more readily identified by researchers.

因為研究人員比較容易 識別出這類婚姻。

Now, that definition, of course, includes arranged marriages.

當然，這個定義也包括安排式婚姻。

For those of us who've grown up with love marriages and romantic love,

對於我們這些在愛情婚姻 和戀愛中長大的人來說，

we see that as the normal way of things.

我們會認為那就是正常的方式。

I think I can predict that most of you here

我想我可以預測在座大部分人

had parents who chose each other on the basis of romantic love.

父母都是因為戀愛而選擇了彼此。

I think I can more confidently predict

我想我可以更有信心地預測，

that you're probably not going to get those very same parents

你們可能不會讓你們戀愛結婚的父母 幫你們選結婚的對象，

to choose your marital partner,

a partner who you might meet for the first time

選一個你在結婚那天之前 可能都從未見過的人。

on the day of your marriage.

Unless, of course, they're producers of reality TV shows.

當然，除非他們是 電視真人實境節目的製作人。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But despite our sense that a love marriage is the norm,

但，儘管我們認為戀愛結婚是常態，

by a slight majority,

從全球的角度來看， 略微多數的情況是，

from a global perspective,

a marriage today is more likely to be arranged than not.

現今的婚姻比較有可能

是安排式而非自由戀愛的。

Moreover, for 95 percent of recorded history,

此外，

在有記錄的歷史中，95% 的時期，

arranged marriages have been the norm for the entire planet.

安排式婚姻都是全世界的常態。

Until then,

在那之前，

戀愛和婚姻若有重疊， 都是意外恰巧而已。

romantic love only accidentally overlapped with marriage.

Now arranged marriages take many forms.

安排式婚姻的形式很多。

And to be clear, I'm not talking here about forced marriages,

讓我說清楚，我在此談的並非

強迫婚姻、

child marriages.

童婚。

These are a violation of human rights.

這類婚姻是侵犯人權。

The Universal Declaration of Human Rights

《世界人權宣言》指出

states that individuals should be 18 years old

個人結婚的條件是要滿十八歲， 且有自由意志下的完全同意。

before they enter marriage, and do so freely with full consent.

But the reason that brought that declaration into being

但是，導致這項宣言 需要被制訂出來的原因

leaves many of us feeling that arranged marriages are old and irrelevant.

讓許多人覺得安排式婚姻 是既過時又不恰當。

At least I did until I came across some rather compelling research.

至少我之前是這麼想，直到我 接觸到一些讓人信服的研究。

Now I'm going to suggest

現在我要提出的是：

that if we dismiss arranged marriages

如果我們完全捨棄安排式婚姻，

without considering what I call the modern arranged marriage,

不考慮一下我所謂的 現代安排式婚姻，

then we're throwing out the baby with the bath water.

這就是不分好壞， 一竿子打翻一艘船。

I asked a Pakistani man that I interviewed for my research

我在研究中訪問了一位 巴基斯坦男子，我問他

how he felt about potentially a matchmaker --

他如何看待可能是由媒人——

his mother, his aunts, his prospect’s mother, her aunts --

他的母親、他的阿姨、

對方的母親，對方的阿姨——

all choosing his marital partner.

幫他選擇他的婚姻伴侶。

He said, "Well, of course all these people should choose my partner.

他說：「當然應該 讓這些人來選擇我的伴侶。

They know much more than I do of such things.

他們對這類事情懂得比我多很多。

I'm only 35 years old."

我才三十五歲。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

What he was talking about was tapping into

他所講的，是借鑒

a time-honored collective wisdom around matchmaking.

有著悠久傳統的作媒學問。

How do we define the modern arranged marriage?

我們如何定義現代安排式婚姻？

Well, this is where each partner has power of veto

那就是：每位伴侶都有拒絕權，

and some input into the choice of their partner.

且能對自己伴侶的選擇 提出一些意見。

且這種婚姻所在的大環境 是支持離婚的。

And it occurs in a greater culture that is supportive of divorce.

So the research we're about to look at comes out of the USA.

我們等下要談的研究來自美國。

So how have the last 200 years, a mere blip in history,

在過去兩百年，相對於 歷史算是非常短暫的時間，

gone when it comes to our romantic love marriages?

戀愛婚姻的發展狀況是怎樣的？

Divorce rate in love marriages, circa 40 percent.

戀愛婚姻的離婚率約為 40%。

Because we're getting married when we're older,

因為現代人比較晚婚，結婚時 人格與價值觀比較穩定，

when our personality and our values have consolidated,

divorce rates are falling,

離婚率在下降，

but so too are marriage rates.

但結婚率也在下降。

In the USA today, people are avoiding marriage entirely,

和歷史上任何時點相比， 現今，在美國，

more than any other time in history.

大家會更不想結婚。

Single-parent families are more common after love marriages.

戀愛婚姻之後更容易造成單親家庭。

Birthrates are of particular importance to governments

出生率對政府而言尤其重要，

because they underpin long-term economic growth.

因為出生率是長期經濟成長的基礎。

現今，在美國，

In the USA today,

birth rates are below population replacement levels.

出生率低於人口替代水準。

In a study done on modern arranged marriages in the US,

有一項研究探討了 美國的安排式婚姻，

where partners had some input into partner selection,

在美國，人們在伴侶選擇上 可以提出一些意見，

they looked at four factors that determine marital satisfaction:

研究探討了四個決定 婚姻滿意度的因子：

loving, loyalty, shared values and issues around finances.

愛、忠誠、共同價值觀， 和財務相關的議題。

The average duration of the marriage was more than 11 years,

婚姻的平均長度超過十一年，

and each individual filled out their questionnaires separately.

每位受訪者都是各自填寫問卷。

The arranged marriages are the ones on your left.

左邊的是安排式婚姻。

Yes, the ones that are higher on each of those four parameters.

是的，安排式婚姻的 這四個因子得分都比較高。

Two points of note.

有兩點要注意。

Maybe surprisingly,

可能很出乎意料，

the reports from the women were no different

女性回報的資訊和男性沒有不同。

from the reports from the men.

但我覺得有個研究結果很有趣，

But the finding that fascinates me

is that "greater involvement" in partner selection

那就是在選擇伴侶時「參與更多」

did not improve marital satisfaction scores.

並不會改善婚姻滿意度的分數。

Now just let that sink in.

讓這個想法沉澱一下。

Getting each partner to factor in who they were more attracted to

讓每個人去選誰比較吸引他們

did not increase love or marital satisfaction scores.

並不會增加愛或婚姻滿意度分數。

So it would seem that not finding the one, or more specifically,

因此，似乎，

沒有找到真命天子／女， 或更具體來說是讓別人來幫你找，

having somebody else find them for you

is the secret to marital bliss.

是婚姻幸福的秘訣。

Professor Robert Epstein is an American researcher

羅勃‧艾普斯坦教授

是美國的研究人員，他對 這個現象做了相當程度的研究。

who has studied this phenomenon in some depth.

And he's found the crossover,

他發現交叉點，

the point at which love in the arranged marriages

也就是安排式婚姻中的愛 超過戀愛式婚姻的愛，

exceeds that in the love marriages,

occurs around five years.

大約會在五年左右發生。

By ten years,

到了十年時，

the levels in the arranged marriages are significantly higher.

安排式婚姻的水平都明顯比較高。

What's going on?

怎麼回事？

Well, my take on it is that when people marry for love,

我的看法：

戀愛結婚的人會希望 愛能帶他們度過艱難的時刻。

they hope the love will carry them through the tough times.

The conflict, the life stressors.

比如衝突，生活中的壓力因子。

但浪漫的感覺沒有辦法和壓力

But romantic feelings do not coexist well

beside the feelings that go with stress and conflict.

及衝突相關的感覺共存得很好。

這些感覺被推到一旁，

They get pushed aside.

Such that the couples I work with who've had repeated problems

以致於那些不斷遇到重複問題、 找我諮商的夫妻告訴我

tell me they have now fallen out of love.

他們現在已經不再愛彼此了。

In an arranged marriage,

在安排式婚姻中，

all you have from the outset is a commitment.

你們打從一開始擁有的 就僅僅是一個承諾。

A commitment to make it work no matter what,

承諾無論如何都要設法維持婚姻，

and to make it work as a team.

同心協力維持它。

The lack of romantic feel at these times

在這些艱難的時刻缺乏浪漫的感覺，

is not only of no surprise to them,

他們不僅不會大驚小怪，

it is of little concern to them.

也許還不太在乎。

Commitment carries you through the tough times.

承諾能帶你度過艱難時刻。

Romantic love not so much.

浪漫的愛情在這方面不太行。

因此，當我們研究

So what do we find if we study the modern arranged marriages

現代的安排式婚姻如何 慢慢經營愛情，會有什麼發現？

to find how they build love over time?

This takes us back to Epstein's work.

這就要回頭談艾普斯坦的研究。

He and his coworkers undertook a number of studies to answer that question.

他和他的同事做了許多研究 來解答這個問題。

In one particular study,

在其中一項研究中，

they looked at 35 factors that could build love over time.

他們探究了三十五個因子，

都是長期經營愛情的可能因子， 畫面上的是前五名。

Here are the top five.

Nothing conveys love

最能傳達愛情的是

more than making sacrifices for your partner.

為你的伴侶做出犧牲。

Now I’m not suggesting that we return to arranged marriages.

我並不是在建議我們 回到安排式婚姻。

But I do think they have something to teach us.

但我確實認為我們 能向安排式婚姻學習。

Allow me to reduce this research down along with my clinical experience,

讓我把這項研究和我的 臨床經驗精簡為一句話。

to one sentence.

我對真愛的定義，

My definition of true love,

that I believe underpins successful long-term relationships.

我認為它是成功建立 長期關係的基礎。

True love

真愛

is the feeling of being fully accepted by another

是感受到被對方完全接受，

who is committed to nurturing

且對方承諾會支助

both your personal growth and their own.

你的個人成長和對方自己的成長。

Now of course, to effectively nurture somebody’s personal growth,

當然，要有效支助某人的個人成長，

you have to be emphatically interested in where they are

你平常就得對他們的狀況 非常感興趣，

on both a day-by-day basis and in the longer term.

且長期能一直保持如此的興趣。

Equally importantly,

同樣重要的，

we have to take responsibility for our own personal growth.

我們也得對自己的個人成長負責。

你不能仰賴你的伴侶 來滿足你所有的需求。

You cannot rely on your partner to meet all of your needs.

It does take a village to grow an adult.

真的需要整個社區的努力 才能養成一個成人。

In conclusion,

總之，

I know people fall head over heels in love

我知道有人會神魂顛倒地陷入熱戀，

feeling they have found the one.

認為自己找到了真命天子／女。

Judgment free.

不做評論。

If you're young and you just want to fall in love, then do that.

如果你很年輕，你只是想談戀愛，

那就去談。反正 你想要年長一點再結婚。

You want to get married when you're older anyway.

And when it happens,

當真的戀愛了，

enjoy the hell out of it while it lasts.

趁它還沒結束之前拼命享受它吧。

But please, please remember,

但拜託，請記住，

you do not have to marry them.

你不必結婚，

Or with much greater finality, have children with them.

或，更沒回頭路的，生小孩。

That's why contraception was invented.

避孕措施就是這樣發明出來的啊。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Instead of asking "Are you the one,"

別問「你是真命天子／女嗎？」

ask two questions of each of you.

改成問雙方這兩個問題：

Do I accept my partner despite their shortcomings?

即使我的伴侶有缺點， 我也接納他／她嗎？

Do I commit to nurture them to achieve what is important to them?

我願承諾支助他們 去實現他們覺得重要的事嗎？

And likewise, do they accept me

同樣的，對方是否接納我？

and do they commit to me?

對方是否對我承諾？

All you need is four yeses.

只需要四個「是」就夠了。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）