What to Do When You Offend Someone | Lambers Fisher | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: 麗玲 辛

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

俗話說，通往地獄的道路 都是由善意鋪成的。

But let's be honest.

但，說實在的，

Do we really want to live in a world

我們真的想生活在大家 都不再保有善意的世界裡嗎？

where we no longer maintain good intentions?

Despite how negative and polarizing the world may seem at times,

儘管這個世界有時看起來 非常負面和兩極化，

many of us are still doing our best to maintain good intentions

許多人仍然盡力維持善意 以及彼此間的正面互動。

and positive interactions with each other.

And yet, it can be frustrating sometimes to discover

但，有時，當發現我們的言行舉止 竟然被別人認為有冒犯之意，

that something that we've said or done

was still experienced by someone else as being offensive.

還是挺讓人心灰意冷。

In response to this, it's easy to get stuck in unhealthy,

對於這種狀況，人很容易就會 陷入不健康的極端反應中，比如

extreme reactions,

such as strongly defending our character from perceived attacks,

在感受到人品被攻擊時， 做出強烈的辯護，

only to realize that we've invalidated someone else's feelings as a result.

結果卻是發現，我們反而 否認了別人的感受。

Or maybe we walk on eggshells

或者我們如履薄冰， 竭盡全力避免冒犯任何人，

or jump through every hoop possible to avoid offending anyone,

only to shame ourselves for making any mistakes

結果卻是只要有一點 犯錯行為就感到羞愧，

or blame others for being too sensitive.

或責怪別人太過敏感。

Or maybe we just give up altogether, concluding that, you know,

或也許我們就此棄守，

甘脆認定反正你根本不可能 讓任何人快樂，何必費心？

you just can't make anybody happy these days,

so why even try?

I don't know about you,

我不知道各位如何， 但那讓我很害怕，

but that makes me scared,

因為我不知道在這種情況下要如何 維持善意和彼此間的正面互動：

because I don't know how we can maintain good intentions

and positive interactions with each other

if we are still going around living in fear

如果我們仍然在生活中 害怕會無意中冒犯別人。

of even unintentional offenses.

However, I believe there's another way.

然而，我相信還有一個辦法。

With your help, I believe that we can maintain good intentions,

在各位的幫助下，我相信 我們可以保有善意，

avoid the shame and blame game,

避免羞辱和責怪的慣性，

and even strengthen interactions

甚至強化我們與經常遇到的人的互動。

with those who we encounter on a regular basis.

If that's of interest to you,

如果你對此感興趣，

then I invite you to join me

我邀請你與我一起學習，

in learning to accept the inevitability of offense.

接受冒犯是難免的。

Let me explain.

容我解釋。

During my 20-plus years as a marriage and family therapist,

我在擔任婚姻和家庭 治療師的二十多年間，

I've considered it an honor to be welcomed

我很榮幸能有機會接觸

into the emotionally vulnerable spaces of new and seasoned couples

新舊伴侶在各種生活情境

through a variety of life circumstances and challenges.

和挑戰中脆弱的情感議題。

During that time, I've gained a great appreciation

在這段期間，我深切體會了

for four relationships- strengthening principles

四條關係強化原則，

that have helped not only the couples who I serve,

它們不但幫助了我服務的伴侶，

but also individual, personal and professional relationships

還幫助了各行各業中的 個別、人際，和職場關係。

in all walks of life.

This first relationship-strengthening principle comes to life for me

對我來說，第一條 關係強化原則體現在

during one of my greatest professional joys,

我工作上最大的喜悅之一出現時：

which is when premarital engaged couples come into my office

當準備結婚的已訂婚伴侶 進到我的辦公室，

with a big smile on their face,

臉上帶著大大的笑容，

expressing how confident they are that they have found the one

表達他們有多麼確信自己 已經找到了真命天子／女，

who they are to spend the rest of their life with,

餘生都要彼此相伴，

主要是因為他們從來沒有 意見不同或和對方爭執。

primarily because they never disagree or argue with each other.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

That's when I get a big smile on my face

那時就換我臉上有大大的 笑容，我說：「那超讚！

and I say, "That is awesome!

You guys are in the right place, because I can help you fix that.”

你們來對地方了，

因為我能幫你們解決那個問題。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

They get confused just like that, and they say, "Wait, what?

他們整個就很困惑， 他們說：「等等，

You want us to argue and fight with each other?"

什麼？你想要我們彼此 爭執和吵架嗎？」

I reassuringly say, "No, no.

我安撫地說：「不，不。

But I do want you to know that you can disagree with each other

但我確實希望你們知道， 你們可以有不同的意見，

and still love each other.

且仍然能相愛。

You can misunderstand each other

你們可能會誤解對方，

and not conclude that 'maybe we weren't meant to be, '

但不會就因此認為 『也許我們注定不該在一起』，

or end the relationship prematurely due to seemingly irreconcilable offenses.”

或因為看似無法調解的冒犯 而過早結束關係。」

You see, no matter how hard you try, you will,

要知道，無論多努力嘗試，

we will all offend someone at some point in time in our lives.

在人生的某個時點 我們都會冒犯某人。

You know how I know?

各位知道我怎麼知道的嗎？

Because there's no absolute list of what's offensive and what's not.

因為沒有一張絕對清單可以 列出什麼會冒犯、什麼不會。

What's offensive changes over time.

「什麼會冒犯」是會隨時間改變的。

What's offensive to one person is perfectly fine to the next.

一個人感到很冒犯的事， 另一個人可能完全不在意。

After all, you can't tell someone what they should be offended by

畢竟，你無法告訴別人對什麼 該感到被冒犯，對什麼不該。

and what they shouldn't.

Not only that, but what's offensive

不僅如此，什麼會冒犯人

is not always about an absolute list of right or wrongs,

不見得就是一份對或錯的絕對清單，

but more often something that was said or done

比較常見的狀況反而是某種言行舉止

that reminds someone of a past hurt

讓別人想起過去的傷害，

and makes them fear that future harm is on the way.

讓他們擔心未來也將發生傷害。

As a result,

因此，如果你發現 你無意冒犯了別人，

if you find out that you've unintentionally offended someone,

我鼓勵你不要因為冒犯的發生 就感到震驚並陷入其中。

I encourage you to resist the temptation

to get stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense.

Instead, accept the inevitability of offense.

反之，要接受冒犯是無法避免的。

Take the time to learn what made that offensive

花點時間去了解為何 你面前的這個人會覺得被冒犯，

to the person in front of you,

and then make every reasonable effort

然後盡所有合理的努力，盡量 避免將來同樣的冒犯重複發生。

to reduce the likelihood of repeating that offense moving forward.

The second relationship-strengthening principle that comes to life for me

而第二條關係強化原則體現的情境

通常是我看到伴侶相信

often does so when I see couples believing

that if you don't know me by now, you will never, never know me.

「如果你現在還不了解我， 你就永遠永遠不會了解我。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

As if to convey that, if you don't instantly understand

就好像在傳達說：如果你不 立即了解我並知道我的一切，

and know everything about me,

then you must not truly love me.

那你一定不是我的真愛。

But in reality, I found that some of the best

但在現實中，

我發現一些最棒且持久的伴侶關係

and long-lasting couple relationships

are the ones that embrace not knowing everything that there is to know

都能夠開放接受 不可能馬上了解對方的一切，

about a person instantly,

but actually appreciate the opportunity to keep the relationship fresh

而實際上很開心能有機會 讓關係保持新鮮，

by learning new things about each other for years to come.

因為接下來的很多年還可以 一直對彼此有新的了解。

Similarly, in your personal and professional relationships,

同樣的，在你的個人和職場關係中，

I encourage you to acknowledge that you can't know everything

我也鼓勵你要承認

你不可能時時刻刻 都知道每個人的一切。

there is to know about everyone all the time.

Or put more simply,

或用更簡單的說法，

我鼓勵你接受無知是難免的。

I encourage you to accept the inevitability of ignorance.

Now, I don't know about you,

我不知道各位如何，但成長過程中 我都以為無知是種侮辱，

but I grew up with ignorance as an insult

是缺乏智慧的同義詞。

synonymous with lack of intelligence.

But in reality, ignorance is merely the lack of knowledge.

但在現實中，無知只是缺乏知識。

And if we're honest, we all lack knowledge

但，坦白說，

對於許多不同的生活情境， 我們都缺乏知識，包括

about a variety of different life circumstances,

including the things that many people find offensive.

包括哪些事會冒犯到人。

However, I do fair warn you,

但是，我得提前警告你，

if you are informed that you've unintentionally offended someone

如果你得知你已經無意間冒犯了某人，

and the first thing out of your mouth

而你一開始就找理由 說你不知道這會冒犯人，

is the justification for how you didn't know that it was offensive,

對方的反應如果是很沮喪， 那在情緒上是非常合理的。

it is emotionally reasonable for someone else to respond in frustration.

"How could you not know?

「你怎麼可能不知道？

Everybody knows that that's offensive."

大家都知道那樣很冒犯人。」

Except there's nothing that everyone knows.

可是，沒有什麼事是大家都知道的。

Not only that, but how did you not know that it was offensive?

再者，你怎麼會不知道 那樣很冒犯人？

Maybe you were never taught by someone important to you that it was offensive.

也許你的家人近親從來沒有 告訴你那樣很冒犯人。

Maybe you never personally experienced the hurt

也許你沒有親身體驗過那種傷害 並從中學到那樣很冒犯人。

that would have taught you that was offensive.

Maybe you were never surrounded by people

也許你身邊都沒有人 有體驗過那種傷害，

who experienced the hurt that would have taught you,

所以你無法用旁觀的方式學到那樣 很冒犯人，你怎麼可能不知道？

by witnessing, that it was offensive, how could you not know?

Or how could you also know?

或者說，你怎麼可能知道？

What makes this not just another insensitive, defensive excuse

要讓這不只是另一個白目、 防禦性的藉口，

is that we can learn to accept the inevitability of ignorance

我們就得學習接受 無知是無法避免的，

as a temporary state.

它是種暫時性的狀態。

Turning that accusation into an opportunity

把冒犯人的指控，轉為機會，

to reduce our ignorance by increasing our knowledge

增加我們的知識， 來減少我們的無知，

and using that knowledge to reduce the likelihood

並用這些知識來減少將來 下一次冒犯發生的可能性。

of the next offense moving forward.

The third relationship-strengthening principle comes to life for me

第三條強化關係原則體現的情境是

當我看到伴侶身陷在 合理但徒勞的追求完美溝通。

when I see couples stuck in the reasonable, yet futile search

for perfect communication.

For, while healthy communication is essential to a good relationship,

因為，雖然健康的溝通 對於良好關係至關重要，

it's also perfectly reasonable for partners to use the same words

但伴侶使用同樣的字詞卻有完全 不同的意思也是非常合理的。

but mean completely different things

based on their family of origin and life experiences,

可能會根據他們的原生家庭， 甚至相遇前的人生經歷而有所不同。

even before meeting each other.

This often results in partners getting stuck in a defensive battle,

這通常會讓伴侶陷入防禦性的戰鬥中，

protecting themselves from perceived threats

保護自己、閃避感受到的威脅， 但這些威脅打從開始就不是在攻擊，

that were never really attacks in the first place,

but unhealthily expressed pleas for understanding,

只是用不健康的方式表達， 希望對方能了解、支持，和同理。

support and empathy.

Similarly, in your personal and professional relationships,

同樣的，在你的個人和職場關係中，

我鼓勵你學習接受誤解是難免的。

I encourage you to learn to accept the inevitability of misunderstanding.

For even our reasonable intentions

因為即使我們意圖很合理，

can result in unintentionally negative impacts

也可能會無意導致負面影響，

leading others to feel the need to protect themselves from us

讓別人覺得需要保護自己， 避免受到我們的傷害，

as a perceived threat.

別人把我們當作是威脅。

But wait a minute.

但，等等，

Why would you be a perceived threat if all you have is good intentions?

如果你只有善意，為什麼 你會被當作是威脅？

Well, consider this for a moment.

嗯，想想這一點：

Consider the possibility that before their encounter with you,

想想有沒有可能他們在遇到你之前，

they experienced nine times

他們就碰過九次

of someone else saying the exact same thing

別人說出的話或做出的事 和你完全一樣。

or doing the exact same thing that you did.

But after each of those times,

但這九次的每一次

it was followed by a hurtful experience.

後續都伴隨著很傷人的經歷。

Then you come along,

然後你出現了，

the tenth person to do or say that exact thing.

你是第十個說這些話 或做這些事的人。

Despite your reasonable intentions,

儘管你有合理的意圖，

it's also reasonable for them to see the pattern

但他們看出同樣的模式， 並害怕你會帶來類似的傷害，

and to fear similar harm from you.

這也是很合理的。

It's because of this that if you find out

因為這樣，如果你發現 你無意中冒犯了別人，

that you've unintentionally offended someone,

I encourage you to resist the temptation

我鼓勵你不要因為冒犯到人， 就感到震驚並陷入其中，

of getting stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense

and instead ask yourself,

改成問問自己：

"Am I really being attacked?

「我真的被反擊了嗎？

Or have I simply reminded them of a past hurt

還是我只是讓他們想起了過去的傷痛，

and made them fear the future harm is on the way?"

讓他們擔心未來也將發生傷害？」

If that's even a remote possibility in your life,

就算在你的生活中 只有一滴滴的可能性，

I encourage you to accept the inevitability of misunderstanding

我也鼓勵你接受誤解是無法避免的，

and channel your efforts into the fourth relationship-strengthening strategy,

並將你的努力投入到 第四項關係強化策略，

which is to learn to reassure the hurt person

那就是向受傷的人再次保證，

that you are not the threats that they fear that you are.

你並不是威脅，不是 像他們所擔心的那樣。

You see, when my couples get stuck in a defensive battle

當我服務的伴侶陷入防禦性戰鬥，

protecting themselves from perceived threats

保護自己，抵禦 他們感受到的威脅與誤解，

and misrepresentations,

what turns things around is not more explanations

要翻轉這個局面，靠的不是 更多解釋和正當理由。

and justifications.

It's instead, when one or both partners can get to the point of saying,

反之，是當伴侶之一 或兩人都都能夠說出：

"I see better than I did before your past hurts.

「我現在比以前 更了解你過去的傷痛。

I see the impact that they've had on your current unmet needs,

我了解它們對你目前 未滿足的需求有什麼影響，

and I want to come alongside of you

我想站在你身邊，

to help make your future better than your hurtful past."

協助讓你的未來能比 你傷痛的過去更好。

Similarly, in your personal and professional relationships,

同樣的，在你的個人和職場關係中，

I encourage you to look for opportunities

我鼓勵你找機會向受傷的人再次保證

to reassure a hurt person that you are not the threat

你並不是他們所認定的威脅。

that they fear that you are.

How can you do this?

你要怎麼做到這一點？

Well, it can start with a verbal acknowledgment

承認你的意圖是有限的，

of the limitations of your intentions,

recognizing that your intent does not always determine your impact.

認知到意圖不見得 就能決定你造成的結果。

But some of you, even here, may actually resent intentions,

但，就連在這裡，在座有些人

可能實際上很討厭意圖，

but I find that many people don't actually resent intentions

但我發現許多人實際上

並不是因為對善意反感而討厭意圖。

because they actually have a problem with good intentions.

But more often, because people have received the gift of good intentions

更常見的狀況是， 他們接收到了對方的善意，

being offered instead of what they really need:

但對方卻沒提供他們真正需要的：

changed behavior.

改變的行為。

You can separate yourself from these experiences

你可以不要和這種經歷扯上關係，

做法是確保你口頭承認， 並做了再次保證之後，

by making sure that your verbal acknowledgment of reassurance

後續一定要做出有意義的行為改變，

is always followed by a meaningful behavioral change,

showing that your commitment is more than just words,

以展現你的承諾不只是嘴上說說，

but action showing to make their future better than their hurtful past.

而是用行為展現會讓他們的未來 比他們的傷痛過去更好。

Now, I'm not really here to tell you one more thing

我並不是來這裡

告訴各位有什麼是你們該做， 但可能還沒有做的。

that you should already be doing, but might not be doing.

No.

不是的。

I'm here to tell you what the next person

我來這裡是要告訴各位，下一次

who you unintentionally offend needs you to do.

你無意冒犯別人時， 對方需要你做什麼。

They need you to accept the inevitability of offense.

他們需要你接受冒犯是無法避免的。

Getting stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense

很震驚對方竟會被冒犯 並陷在這震驚中

does less to help that person

不如努力減少下次冒犯的可能性， 這樣還對對方更有幫助。

than your efforts to reduce the likelihood of the next offense.

They need you to accept the inevitability of ignorance.

他們需要你接受無知是無法避免的。

You don't need to know everything about everyone all the time,

你不需要時時刻刻 都知道每個人的一切，

but you can accept what you don’t know,

但是你可以接受你不知道的，

value what you do know

珍視你所知道的，

and learn more, one experience at a time.

並一次一次累積經歷，了解更多。

They need you to accept the inevitability of misunderstanding,

他們需要你接受誤解是無法避免的，

acknowledging that your intent does not always determine your impact.

承認你的意圖不見得 都能決定你造成的影響。

And they need you to reassure hurt persons

他們需要你向受傷的人再次保證 你不是他們所害怕的威脅。

that you are not the threat that they fear that you are.

You can do this with flexibility and openness to change,

你在這麼做的時候，可以表現 彈性和對改變的開放性，

但不是因為你被指為壞人而做改變，

but not change out of correction for being a bad person,

but change out of consideration for the wellbeing of someone else.

而是因為考量別人的福祉而做改變。

你永遠不會知道。

You never know.

You might be the one in your environment

你可能可以在你的 生活圈中減少下一次

to reduce the likelihood of the next misunderstanding-influenced divorce,

因誤解導致的離婚發生的可能性、

friendship breakup,

友誼破裂的可能性、

job resignation,

工作辭職或甚至取消文化的可能性，

or even cultural cancellation,

all often influenced by unintentional offenses.

上述這些狀況通常 都和無意的冒犯有關。

And just like my couples,

就像我服務的伴侶一樣，

I want you to know that you don't have to live in fear

我希望你知道，你不用活在 恐懼中，害怕無意冒犯人。

of even unintentional offenses.

Instead, you can accept the inevitability of offense.

取而代之，你可以

接受冒犯是無法避免的。

Make every reasonable effort to reduce the frequency of those offenses

盡一切合理的努力 減少這些冒犯發生的頻率，

and move forward,

並向前邁進，修復和強化 你遇到的每一段關係。

repairing and strengthening every relationship you encounter.

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause and cheers)

（掌聲和歡呼）