What to Do When You Offend Someone | Lambers Fisher | TED

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

But let's be honest.

Do we really want to live in a world

where we no longer maintain good intentions?

Despite how negative and polarizing the world may seem at times,

many of us are still doing our best to maintain good intentions

and positive interactions with each other.

And yet, it can be frustrating sometimes to discover

that something that we've said or done

was still experienced by someone else as being offensive.

In response to this, it's easy to get stuck in unhealthy,

extreme reactions,

such as strongly defending our character from perceived attacks,

only to realize that we've invalidated someone else's feelings as a result.

Or maybe we walk on eggshells

or jump through every hoop possible to avoid offending anyone,

only to shame ourselves for making any mistakes

or blame others for being too sensitive.

Or maybe we just give up altogether, concluding that, you know,

you just can't make anybody happy these days,

so why even try?

I don't know about you,

but that makes me scared,

because I don't know how we can maintain good intentions

and positive interactions with each other

if we are still going around living in fear

of even unintentional offenses.

However, I believe there's another way.

With your help, I believe that we can maintain good intentions,

avoid the shame and blame game,

and even strengthen interactions

with those who we encounter on a regular basis.

If that's of interest to you,

then I invite you to join me

in learning to accept the inevitability of offense.

Let me explain.

During my 20-plus years as a marriage and family therapist,

I've considered it an honor to be welcomed

into the emotionally vulnerable spaces of new and seasoned couples

through a variety of life circumstances and challenges.

During that time, I've gained a great appreciation

for four relationships- strengthening principles

that have helped not only the couples who I serve,

but also individual, personal and professional relationships

in all walks of life.

This first relationship-strengthening principle comes to life for me

during one of my greatest professional joys,

which is when premarital engaged couples come into my office

with a big smile on their face,

expressing how confident they are that they have found the one

who they are to spend the rest of their life with,

primarily because they never disagree or argue with each other.

(Laughter)

That's when I get a big smile on my face

and I say, "That is awesome!

You guys are in the right place, because I can help you fix that.”

(Laughter)

They get confused just like that, and they say, "Wait, what?

You want us to argue and fight with each other?"

I reassuringly say, "No, no.

But I do want you to know that you can disagree with each other

and still love each other.

You can misunderstand each other

and not conclude that 'maybe we weren't meant to be, '

or end the relationship prematurely due to seemingly irreconcilable offenses.”

You see, no matter how hard you try, you will,

we will all offend someone at some point in time in our lives.

You know how I know?

Because there's no absolute list of what's offensive and what's not.

What's offensive changes over time.

What's offensive to one person is perfectly fine to the next.

After all, you can't tell someone what they should be offended by

and what they shouldn't.

Not only that, but what's offensive

is not always about an absolute list of right or wrongs,

but more often something that was said or done

that reminds someone of a past hurt

and makes them fear that future harm is on the way.

As a result,

if you find out that you've unintentionally offended someone,

I encourage you to resist the temptation

to get stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense.

Instead, accept the inevitability of offense.

Take the time to learn what made that offensive

to the person in front of you,

and then make every reasonable effort

to reduce the likelihood of repeating that offense moving forward.

The second relationship-strengthening principle that comes to life for me

often does so when I see couples believing

that if you don't know me by now, you will never, never know me.

(Laughter)

As if to convey that, if you don't instantly understand

and know everything about me,

then you must not truly love me.

But in reality, I found that some of the best

and long-lasting couple relationships

are the ones that embrace not knowing everything that there is to know

about a person instantly,

but actually appreciate the opportunity to keep the relationship fresh

by learning new things about each other for years to come.

Similarly, in your personal and professional relationships,

I encourage you to acknowledge that you can't know everything

there is to know about everyone all the time.

Or put more simply,

I encourage you to accept the inevitability of ignorance.

Now, I don't know about you,

but I grew up with ignorance as an insult

synonymous with lack of intelligence.

But in reality, ignorance is merely the lack of knowledge.

And if we're honest, we all lack knowledge

about a variety of different life circumstances,

including the things that many people find offensive.

However, I do fair warn you,

if you are informed that you've unintentionally offended someone

and the first thing out of your mouth

is the justification for how you didn't know that it was offensive,

it is emotionally reasonable for someone else to respond in frustration.

"How could you not know?

Everybody knows that that's offensive."

Except there's nothing that everyone knows.

Not only that, but how did you not know that it was offensive?

Maybe you were never taught by someone important to you that it was offensive.

Maybe you never personally experienced the hurt

that would have taught you that was offensive.

Maybe you were never surrounded by people

who experienced the hurt that would have taught you,

by witnessing, that it was offensive, how could you not know?

Or how could you also know?

What makes this not just another insensitive, defensive excuse

is that we can learn to accept the inevitability of ignorance

as a temporary state.

Turning that accusation into an opportunity

to reduce our ignorance by increasing our knowledge

and using that knowledge to reduce the likelihood

of the next offense moving forward.

The third relationship-strengthening principle comes to life for me

when I see couples stuck in the reasonable, yet futile search

for perfect communication.

For, while healthy communication is essential to a good relationship,

it's also perfectly reasonable for partners to use the same words

but mean completely different things

based on their family of origin and life experiences,

even before meeting each other.

This often results in partners getting stuck in a defensive battle,

protecting themselves from perceived threats

that were never really attacks in the first place,

but unhealthily expressed pleas for understanding,

support and empathy.

Similarly, in your personal and professional relationships,

I encourage you to learn to accept the inevitability of misunderstanding.

For even our reasonable intentions

can result in unintentionally negative impacts

leading others to feel the need to protect themselves from us

as a perceived threat.

But wait a minute.

Why would you be a perceived threat if all you have is good intentions?

Well, consider this for a moment.

Consider the possibility that before their encounter with you,

they experienced nine times

of someone else saying the exact same thing

or doing the exact same thing that you did.

But after each of those times,

it was followed by a hurtful experience.

Then you come along,

the tenth person to do or say that exact thing.

Despite your reasonable intentions,

it's also reasonable for them to see the pattern

and to fear similar harm from you.

It's because of this that if you find out

that you've unintentionally offended someone,

I encourage you to resist the temptation

of getting stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense

and instead ask yourself,

"Am I really being attacked?

Or have I simply reminded them of a past hurt

and made them fear the future harm is on the way?"

If that's even a remote possibility in your life,

I encourage you to accept the inevitability of misunderstanding

and channel your efforts into the fourth relationship-strengthening strategy,

which is to learn to reassure the hurt person

that you are not the threats that they fear that you are.

You see, when my couples get stuck in a defensive battle

protecting themselves from perceived threats

and misrepresentations,

what turns things around is not more explanations

and justifications.

It's instead, when one or both partners can get to the point of saying,

"I see better than I did before your past hurts.

I see the impact that they've had on your current unmet needs,

and I want to come alongside of you

to help make your future better than your hurtful past."

Similarly, in your personal and professional relationships,

I encourage you to look for opportunities

to reassure a hurt person that you are not the threat

that they fear that you are.

How can you do this?

Well, it can start with a verbal acknowledgment

of the limitations of your intentions,

recognizing that your intent does not always determine your impact.

But some of you, even here, may actually resent intentions,

but I find that many people don't actually resent intentions

because they actually have a problem with good intentions.

But more often, because people have received the gift of good intentions

being offered instead of what they really need:

changed behavior.

You can separate yourself from these experiences

by making sure that your verbal acknowledgment of reassurance

is always followed by a meaningful behavioral change,

showing that your commitment is more than just words,

but action showing to make their future better than their hurtful past.

Now, I'm not really here to tell you one more thing

that you should already be doing, but might not be doing.

No.

I'm here to tell you what the next person

who you unintentionally offend needs you to do.

They need you to accept the inevitability of offense.

Getting stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense

does less to help that person

than your efforts to reduce the likelihood of the next offense.

They need you to accept the inevitability of ignorance.

You don't need to know everything about everyone all the time,

but you can accept what you don’t know,

value what you do know

and learn more, one experience at a time.

They need you to accept the inevitability of misunderstanding,

acknowledging that your intent does not always determine your impact.

And they need you to reassure hurt persons

that you are not the threat that they fear that you are.

You can do this with flexibility and openness to change,

but not change out of correction for being a bad person,

but change out of consideration for the wellbeing of someone else.

You never know.

You might be the one in your environment

to reduce the likelihood of the next misunderstanding-influenced divorce,

friendship breakup,

job resignation,

or even cultural cancellation,

all often influenced by unintentional offenses.

And just like my couples,

I want you to know that you don't have to live in fear

of even unintentional offenses.

Instead, you can accept the inevitability of offense.

Make every reasonable effort to reduce the frequency of those offenses

and move forward,

repairing and strengthening every relationship you encounter.

Thank you.

(Applause and cheers)