The Dark Side of WANTING to Sound Like a Native Speaker

hey what's up Stefanie the English coach here  from EnglishFullTime.com recently I saw a really  

interesting video about the dark side of being  good at foreign languages I'm going to link it  

below in case you want to watch it and check it  out but basically the girl who made this video  

was talking about how being naturally talented and  naturally good at learning languages can sometimes  

work against you because you end up being lazier  than other students and just depending on your  

natural talent and not getting as far ahead as  you could get if you worked harder and of course  

you talked about a lot of other things as well  I really enjoyed the video so please go check  

it out after you watch this one anyhow so this  actually got me thinking about the dark side of  

wanting to sound like a native speaker because  that is what I wanted when I started learning  

Spanish and I want to explain more about why I  wanted that and what happened what was the good  

that came out of that and what was the bad because  there were some things that came out of it that it  

if I knew then what I know now I would have done  things so much differently I almost wish like I  

could go back to young Stefanie and be like look  Stef you don't have to do it like this and here's  

why okay so I want to go into that basically a  lot of language Learners English Learners they  

want to sound like a native okay now the first  thing I feel like I have to just break down and  

say is a native according to who because we all  hear accents differently for example you might  

have an American sounding accent when you speak  English and your peers might think you sound  

exactly like me or like another American speaker  but then I might hear you and go like no no no I  

can still hear that your accent is not exactly  the same as mine right so different people have  

different perceptions of accents and so when  you want to sound like a native you have to ask  

yourself on what level do I want to be inspired by  that accent and use certain pronunciation features  

when I speak or do I want to pass as a native do  I want to fool native speakers into thinking that  

I am a native speaker okay that is what I wanted  and I truly think that that is where I went wrong  

because for me it was not about just the pure fun  and joy of pronunciation practice which for some  

people that's literally all that it's about for  me it was more than that for me I wanted to have  

an identity that was not mine right I was not a  native Spanish speaker but I really wanted people  

to think that I was and I set the bar so high  in my mind in my mind I thought that anything  

less than that was some form of failure which is  insane to me because the other thing about that  

is that when you're trying to sound like someone  else it's a game of constantly copying constantly  

copying constantly imitating and while copying  and imitating is an excellent absolutely excellent  

technique for learning pronunciation connected  speech natural rhythm intonation etc it can go  

from being a wonderful technique to a game that  you essentially never win because you'll feel like  

you're never good enough you never quite get there  or maybe you fool five people into thinking you're  

a native speaker but then two other people can  hear your accent and now you feel like a failure  

and that's exactly what would happen to me so when  people would say like hey you know I hear a little  

accent like where are you from I'd be like aw I  failed right they caught me and it's just so silly  

because I think I was focused on the wrong things  I was focused on having the appearance of being  

something that I wasn't and then I had to maintain  those appearances and so I was always stressed out  

and anxious and focused on the wrong things and  you know what I learned I learned that you end up  

subconsciously whether you realize it or not you  end up seeking approval from others right you want  

them to talk about your accent and be like wow wow  you have a good accent when you hear that you're  

just like oh you're so proud like oh my gosh they  thought I was a native speaker and I get that like  

the first time it happens if that's your goal like  it just feels so good but I'm at a place now where  

if people make those kind of comments for me it  literally doesn't affect me at all I'm not like  

oh my gosh yay or anything you know it's just kind  of like nothing and then in the other languages  

that I practice and study and stuff like that if  people hear me talking and that there's no part of  

me that is seeking that comment from other people  like oh my gosh you sound so much like a native  

speaker because I've come to a place in my life  where what I put out into the world is a means of  

self-expression like I am here to express who I am  I don't want to be a copy of anybody else I don't  

want to spend my energy trying to be like somebody  else I'm I've really come into my own person and I  

think that this is also something that you kind of  mature into when you're younger and you're finding  

way we're copying people because we're trying  to find what we like okay so another thing when  

I was focused on trying to sound like a native  right I remember I used to box myself in so much  

like I would not use certain words in Spanish if  those words were not part of the regional accent  

that I was trying to master I would not use  Expressions if they were not part of that I  

would not use pronunciation features that exist  in Spanish if they were not part of the accent  

that I was trying to master like I really would  just exclude so much and only focus on using the  

words the phrases the pronunciation features etc  of the accent that I was trying to master so in a  

way it's like I'm constantly imitating constantly  copying constantly boxing myself in and making it  

like no no no I I refuse to use that other type of  Spanish because it is not the accent that I want  

to master now again the good thing about this is  I got really good at copying but but I constantly  

didn't feel like myself I just felt like strange  you know kind of like this isn't who I am and now  

one of the things that I think it was is I was  capable of more I didn't have to box myself in  

with Spanish because since I learned Spanish and  I had teachers who were from Spain and teachers  

who were from Mexico and teachers who were from  Argentina and all these different places I learned  

lots of different things about Spanish words  and expressions from here from the pronunciation  

features from here from there I could have  created my own unique Spanish that would be  

like a blend of everything that I had learned  and Spanish speakers would have understood me  

regardless they would notice immediately like oh  yeah that is not how I say it but I could have  

stood in my own way of saying things confidently  and just been like this is who I am this is what  

I learn this is how I speak and I like it but  I didn't do that and to be honest sometimes it  

was a little bit boring and predictable you know  the way that I would speak I just felt like I'm  

constantly saying the same things over and over  again rather than focusing on being expressive and  

so I didn't really play around with the language  and make it my own right and then the other thing  

is because I'm a native English speaker I bring  my whole English linguistic background with me  

into Spanish and the cool thing about speaking  multiple languages is you can actually blend  

languages together you can take an expression  from one language and use it in the other even  

if it doesn't translate 100% it still makes  the way that you speak and sound interesting  

I actually love it when my students take an  expression or an idiom or something from their  

language and say it in English because it makes  me go huh I've never heard that before that's so  

interesting that's so unique I I actually really  love that I love that idea you know and so it's  

so funny because I really loved and appreciated  this when I would hear other people do it but  

I wouldn't allow myself to do it and so now oh  my goodness I have so much more freedom when I  

speak first of all when it comes to my accent I  still have that Argentinian accent that I learned  

because I lived in Argentina and so that accent  really got ingrained in my head and I was studying  

it and I I like it I prefer it but sometimes  and depending on who I'm speaking with I might  

shift my accent a little bit or I might shift my  pronunciation a little bit sometimes for example  

I don't like doing the the s's that they do in  Argentinian Spanish because they kind of drop  

the s or they eliminate it sometimes I don't  like the way that that sounds and I'm like no  

you know what I'm going to pronounce my s's okay  even if other people don't do it or don't like  

it or don't whatever I don't care because now  I care about how I feel right and I care about  

self-expression and I no longer care or worry  about sounding different I'm okay being the  

foreigner I am a foreigner you know when I go  to Argentina I'm not from there I wasn't born  

and raised there sure you know my mom is from  Argentina and my dad was born there he grew up  

there for a while but they didn't pass on the  language to me I had to go learn it myself so  

I don't sound like I was born there I could make  myself sound that way I could focus on fooling  

people but I don't care about that anymore I  don't even want that to be part of my thought  

process not even subconsciously consciously or  subconsciously I don't want it because that is  

a distraction it gets you focused on the wrong  things it actually produces anxiety inside of you  

we haven't even really talked about the anxiety  but you have no idea the amount of anxiety that  

I went through when I was living in Argentina and  I would have to go buy vegetables okay or the most  

mundane thing like yeah I want some celery I want  some lettuce and a couple tomatoes right you have  

no idea how hard that was for me because I was  like over there like are the words going to come  

out of my mouth properly and you know what that  anxiety did ironically it actually made me mess  

up even more okay I was afraid of making mistakes  and that fear that anxiety made me mess up more  

and now when I don't care about it it's like I'm  not stumbling over my words anymore like I used to  

because I just don't care so anxiety really really  really messes us up okay another dark side of  

wanting to sound like a native if you sound like a  native speaker when people speak with you they are  

going to automatically assume you have the same  cultural competency as a native speaker the same  

linguistic competency so then if suddenly they say  something thing like using an idiom and you have  

no idea what they said or what they meant they're  going to be like how do you not know that you  

might get met with some reactions like this where  people are trying to understand how you don't know  

something so basic in their mind because you  sound so much like them does that make sense so  

they automatically assume that you know what they  know so anyhow in my case I often pretended to be  

a lot more competent than I was which I think is  an awful thing because instead of asking questions  

like oh wait what do you mean or what is that  related to or what is that about of of course  

I would do that sometimes but there were there  would be other times where I had no idea what was  

going on and I would just smile and laugh at the  table talking with everybody like I understood you  

know it's like I'm faking competency rather than  using that as an opportunity to learn and sharpen  

my skills I was embarrassed I was embarrassed  for people to realize that I didn't know or  

didn't understand and again I just think it's so  silly because generally speaking people are really  

kind I mean how many times have we experienced  somebody being totally totally awful towards us  

for our linguistic abilities usually it's like  one awful experience or two awful experiences  

and then we might just keep going back to that  but the majority of the experiences that we have  

with other people when we don't know something or  understand something they're usually very positive  

at least that's what it's been in my case right  so anyhow whenever I couldn't deliver on these  

expectations of competency I would just feel like  a fraud like I'm not good enough I'm faking it  

this is and I was you know so it's like I don't  know why I did that for so so long but it got to  

a point where I remember one time my husband and I  we were traveling we were in Italy and his family  

was going to come from Argentina to Italy and we  were all going to meet up there and I was actually  

kind of dreading this on one hand I was really  looking forward to seeing everybody and on the  

other hand I was like oh my gosh I'm going to have  to speak Spanish because with my husband I mostly  

communicate in English and he communicates with  me in Spanish so we have this constant exchange  

of languages but usually he's speaking Spanish to  me I'm speaking English to him and I just remember  

I was absolutely dreading this and then there was  like a part of me that just woke up and snapped  

out of it and was like Stefanie this is ridiculous  look at how you're allowing your anxiety to  

interfere with beautiful moments and experiences  in life the crazy thing is at this point I was a  

fluent Spanish speaker I had lived in Argentina  for years my pronunciation was amazing it's like  

I had achieved it all basically I could tell jokes  I could sometimes I would mess up my grammar my  

vocabulary maybe was still lacking in some areas  but overall like I was able to communicate but  

because I had created this whole thing of wanting  to sound exactly like a native and not make any  

mistakes and all these things it basically created  this monster in my mind that made me constantly  

afraid of communication and I that's when I  realized this is ridiculous like when I set out  

to learn Spanish if I knew that one day I'd be at  this level that would have made me so happy right  

that would have made me so happy but instead  it's like I was hiding I couldn't even enjoy  

conversations and and I remember this one time we  had like a dinner party at my husband's um parents  

house and some travelers were passing through  town and I don't know friends of the family or  

something but I think they were from somewhere in  Europe maybe Switzerland or something like that  

Germany I'm I'm not quite sure Denmark I don't  know uh but they came over and I just remember  

this group there were a couple ladies and maybe a  man I don't remember exactly I just remember how  

much they laughed and all the stories that they  told they were literally having a ball they were  

having so much fun talking with everybody but  here's the thing their Spanish was definitely  

beginner to intermediate right they were making  themselves understood but they had very strong  

accents they were not using the correct words they  were not speaking like natives or anything like  

that and yet they were having so much fun and I  was like and here I am with a wonderful beautiful  

native like accent and all the anxiety in the  world so I can't even enjoy basic conversations  

so in many instances when you want to sound like a  native you actually lose power and control you put  

yourself in a vulnerable position because you're  putting yourself in a position to be judged if  

you want to sound like a native who is the person  that gets to determine whether or not you sound  

like a native you have no control over how other  people perceive you some people might think like  

wow you sound like a native and other people might  say like no you have a strong accent okay so I'm  

going to try to wrap up this video by summarizing  some of these points maybe sharing a couple new  

ones and then I want to give you some advice based  on my own experience so when your primary goal in  

learning English is to sound like a native and  that is something that you obsess over the way  

I obsessed over obviously that can create a lot  of anxiety it can make you feel afraid of making  

mistakes it can hold you back from speaking up  and sharing your ideas and having a good time and  

rather than focusing on true self-expression and  just enjoying who you are and using the language  

as a tool a means of communication you're focused  on seeking praise and approval from others even if  

you don't quite admit it maybe even to yourself  you also might get caught up in mastering a  

performance to fool others so your self-expression  is not authentic it's more a performance where  

you're trying to get others to see you in a  certain way you're focused on how they see  

and perceive you rather than on just living the  moment another thing this was very true for me is  

when you're constantly focused on copying others  you're going to have a little voice in your head  

that is asking you 24/7 is this right is this  correct is this how a native speaker would  

say it right so again your communication is not  coming from a place of authentic self-expression  

it's is this correct is this how a native would  say it because anything less than that is just  

not okay right and I really want to encourage you  obviously to get away from this type of thinking  

because you're going to enjoy the journey more  and you're going to learn and grow and improve in  

your English so much more so much faster okay and  eventually you might reach your goal anyways of  

sounding and speaking like a native but you don't  have to focus on that goal in order to reach that  

goal okay and focusing too hard on that goal  can actually make your progress even slower if  

you just focus on practicing speaking embracing  who you are in the language having fun with the  

language okay all of that practice is naturally  going to help you practice pronunciation connected  

speech rhythm intonation all these things which  in turn could lead to you sounding more and more  

native like as time goes by but if you want to  sound like a native so bad that you're embarrassed  

of making mistakes forget it because you won't  practice therefore you won't improve therefore  

you won't ever sound like a native okay so I'm  going to end by giving you two really important  

pieces of advice that I really wish someone had  given me years and years and years ago when I was  

learning Spanish let's say that you really love  the way that I speak okay for example and you're  

like oh my gosh Stefanie I love the way you speak  I want to speak like you I want to sound like you  

okay great great that's awesome okay here's what  I recommend you can use me and my speech and my  

pronunciation as a role model absolutely for  training purposes for inspiration etc but don't  

get so involved in imitating my voice that you  fail to find your your own because I guarantee  

your voice is going to be amazing okay the your  pronunciation your accent your combination of  

linguistic abilities okay it's so unique there  is no other person in this world that is you okay  

that has your exact background your exact life  experiences and you need to bring that to life and  

I don't really think you can bring that to life if  all you ever do is focus on copying other people  

you need to give yourself permission to find your  voice and to really be you so again having a role  

model is perfect I actually highly recommend that  that is one of the things that helped me improve  

my pronunciation and my accent so quickly when  I was on my journey okay it really really helps  

because there are so many different types of  Englishes in the world if you are you know  

imitating a bunch of different people it might not  help you hone in on your pronunciation but when  

you have a role model you can focus on imitating  them but then you can also adjust and say you know  

what Stefanie uses the glottal stop a lot for this  sound or that sound and I don't really like it so  

I'm going to do this one instead you have choices  that you can make when it comes to accent and you  

will still be perfectly well understood and that's  the goal right to be understood to be clear but  

also to be confident in who you are as an English  speaker okay and my next piece of advice that I  

highly highly recommend is that you allow your  accent to change shift and develop naturally  

over time as a result of pronunciation practice  self-exploration and self-expression okay don't  

try to force a change in your accent too quickly  okay because then your accent can just sound kind  

of exaggerated almost like a cartoonish version  of English or something like that but allow  

your accent to change and and your pronunciation  right to change and shift and develop over time  

with small changes right as you're exploring who  you are in English and how you want to communicate  

as you're imitating other people but let's just  release this burden all together collectively in  

this community at least let's just release this  burden to sound a certain way and to be a certain  

way in English this is a journey of exploration  and I wish honestly truly I wish that when I  

started learning Spanish as a 14-year-old I had  a coach that told me all of these things and can  

say look this is about you this is your journey  this is about you blending all of your linguistic  

abilities this is about you expressing yourself  in a new language this is about you gaining  

confidence and being comfortable and not feeling  like you have to conform to a certain standard in  

order to be accepted or anything like that anyhow  that is it feel free to share your your comments  

your ideas and I just want to let you know  that I will link some really cool stuff in the  

description I have lots of free resources on my  website for those of you who are actively working  

on your English and trying to improve I hope you  enjoyed this video and I will talk to you soon bye