Speak English With Us: 2 Hour English Listening Practice

Vanessa: Are you ready  

to join me on a journey? For the next two hours,  you're going to immerse yourself in a wonderful  

English conversation. This conversation is with  two American English speakers, me and my husband,  

Dan. You asked us some wonderful questions  related to three separate topics, pregnancy,  

parenting, and education. And during the next two  hours, you are going to join us on the journey.  

Make sure that you turn on your English listening  ears so that you can understand everything we're  

talking about. You're welcome to click CC so  that you can view the full subtitles for these  

three conversations. Or you can just watch this  lesson and you will see the key vocabulary appear  

on the screen. This is to help you be able to  catch every important expression that we use. 

Hi, I'm Vanessa from speakenglishwithvanessa.com.  And like always, I have created a free PDF  

worksheet for you. This is not an ordinary  PDF, though. This is an extra, mega, super  

long PDF with all of today's important  vocabulary, expressions, definitions,  

sample sentences. There is so much here. And  at the end of the free PDF worksheet is a quiz.  

I want you to test yourself and see if you can  remember the key vocabulary that you learned over  

this two hour conversation journey. You can click  on the link in the description to download this  

free PDF worksheet today. All right, let's get  started with the first conversation topic, which  

is pregnancy. Let's go. All right. Are you ready  to get started with the first category, pregnancy?

Dan: I'm so ready.

Vanessa: Okay, well, I got a big old belly  

that's ready to talk about pregnancy. Let's talk  about the first question, which comes from Olga.

Dan: Olga.

Vanessa: Well, you might  

or might not know that we have a name for our  baby. First of all, is our baby a boy or a girl?

Dan: She's a girl.

Vanessa: Yes. So we have a five-year-old boy,  

a three-year-old boy, and now we're going to  have a third child who's a girl. Very exciting.

Dan: Hooray.

Vanessa: And she has a name.

Dan: Yes. What is it?

Vanessa: Well, Olga's question is about that.

Dan: Oh.

Vanessa: She says, "I love the name you chose, Matilda."

Dan: Matilda.

Vanessa: She said, "Matilda is my favorite Roald  

Dahl book for children. Did you have any specific  inspiration when choosing this beautiful name?"  

Thank you, Olga. So yeah, what do you think? Did  we have any inspiration for choosing this name?

Dan: No, not really. I don't  

know if you did. So my process was to look at  the most popular names, the top ,1000, basically.

Vanessa: 1,000.

Dan: Yes. I scrolled  

through all of them and I just wrote down the  ones that I liked and I saw Matilda and I thought,  

"Hmm, that's a pretty cool name, but I don't  think Vanessa will like it." So I wrote down,  

I don't know, 25 names. And Vanessa does the  same thing and she writes down two names.

Vanessa: I said no to a lot of names.

Dan: She wrote  

down two names. One was Louise  and the other one was Matilda.

Vanessa: Yep.

Dan: And I was like,  

"Matilda, really?" And I was like,  "Why?" And I don't even know if you  

had a good answer. Well, I mean, there  is no good answer. What is your answer?

Vanessa: I don't know.

Dan: Because I didn't even decide it.

Vanessa: I think what sold me on the name was not so much  

the full name, but I really like the nickname,  which is Tilly. I think Matilda in English,  

it sounds very strong. It's not an extremely  feminine name, but I feel like the nickname,  

Tilly, is very cute. This is absolutely unknown  in the US. It is so unusual in the US, but it's-

Dan: To be called Matilda.

Vanessa: ... Yeah, to be called  

Matilda or Tilly, I think in the  US on those lists, it was like...

Dan: It's in 400s.

Vanessa: Number 400. It was  

not popular at all. But in the UK, Australia,  a bunch of Nordic countries, it was like top  

20. I was so surprised. So I don't know why  the US is lagging behind, but we are here to-

Dan: We always are.

Vanessa: ... Bring back  

Matilda and it's a old-fashioned name, and  our other kids' names are old-fashioned names.

Dan: Yeah, it definitely fits in with the other names.

Vanessa: Yeah, Theodore, Frederick, Matilda. And  

each name has a shortened version, Theo, Freddie,  Tilly. So it kind of fit the theme of our family.

Dan: We like to have big, bold names and then we  

chop them up into smaller names that sound cute.  Although I think I might call her Matilda a lot.

Vanessa: Yeah, we've been calling her Matilda so far.

Dan: That name has grown on me quite  

a bit because at first I was like, it's really  strong. To Americans, it sounds really strong,  

I think. Although most people we've talked to,  they've been like, "Matilda's so cute. I love it."

Vanessa: Yeah, it's really unusual.

Dan: We've gotten really  

good reactions about it. But the more I say it  and the more I hear my kids say it especially-

Vanessa: Oh, it's so cute when they say it.

Dan: ... Like when Theo and Freddie say,  

"Oh, how's Matilda in there?" It's very cute.  So I think I'm just going to call her Matilda.

Vanessa: Yeah, we'll see.

Dan: Actually her middle name is Mai, so  

that's actually my grandma's middle name. And so  we decided to take that and call her Matilda Mai.

Vanessa: Yeah, or Tilly Mai.

Dan: Or Tilly  

Mai. So I'll probably call  her all of those things.

Vanessa: All right, let's go on  

to our next question. Wafa has a question  about deciding to have a third child.

Dan: Oh, dear.

Vanessa: She said, "Many families hesitate before deciding  

to have a third child. So was it your case? Did  you have any concerns about deciding to have a  

third child?" This is a deeper question. Did we  have any concerns about having a third child?

Dan: Well, yes,  

for sure both of us hesitated quite a bit. I  hesitated less because in my family growing up,  

there were three of us. So actually it's  exactly the same as my family's going to be.  

So I have one brother and one sister, older  brother, older sister. I'm in the middle.

Vanessa: Younger sister.

Dan: Younger sister. And  

so it just seemed kind of natural to me to have  three kids in the family. And so I was into the  

idea and I would've probably been somewhat  disappointed if we didn't shoot for three.

Vanessa: Sure, yeah, we talked about that.

Dan: But I would've ultimately  

been okay with it because yeah, when you take  out a piece of paper and you start writing down,  

why do I want a third kid? And you're  like, I don't even know, this is going  

to be a lot more work and we're going to have  to have a minivan forever and stuff like that.

Vanessa: 

Yeah, and you don't have to deal  with this, so it's a lot easier for-

Dan: Well, that's another thing altogether.

Vanessa: ... The man to say, "Oh sure,  

let's have three kids." And for me, I think there  is a lot more hesitation and I think rightly so,  

I want to make sure that it's a good decision  for our family. I definitely hesitate more and  

I think that that's very normal considering  I have to be pregnant, I have to give birth,  

I have to breastfeed our child. There's a lot  more duties on me and run this business and take  

care of our other children., so there's a lot of  hesitation. But in the end, I think it came down  

to the question of what if we chose not to? Would  I feel like I was missing out on the unknown? And  

I think a lot of women feel this, that when they  have one kid, maybe they expect that they'll have  

a second kid. And then the question of, am I done?  Am I done having children? That's a big question,  

I think. A lot of moms that I know feel  that really strongly, like am I done? 

Can I be okay with being done having children?  How do I feel about that? And it's a really  

tricky question to answer and very personal. So  if you have only two children, that can be okay  

for your family. Our family's choice doesn't  have to be the same for everyone. So yeah,  

it kind came down to, hmm, well, are we missing  out on something? I don't know. Let's see.

Dan: Were you shooting for a girl at all?

Vanessa: You know what?

Dan: Did you think about that?

Vanessa: I did not think  

about the gender because I feel like  when you decide to have a third child,  

especially if you have two of the same gender  like us, we have two boys, you have to want a  

third child because you're going to get a  third child. It can't be about just boy-

Dan: Or a girl.

Vanessa: ... Or just girl. For us,  

it was a very great, happy surprise to have a  girl. But I think I would have been just as happy,  

less surprised, but I think I would've  been just as happy to have a boy because  

the idea for us was will this third child  complete our family instead of will this  

girl complete our family? So we'll see what  Matilda's like. I have no idea. I don't know  

if my idea of this completing our family will  be correct, if we made a good decision or not.

Dan: I think it it will.

Vanessa: But-

Dan: That's just me.

Vanessa: ... Yeah.

Dan: Cherry on top.

Vanessa: Try to have some high hopes. All right, let's  

go to the next question. This question's mainly  for me, but you're welcome to have any input.

Dan: I'll listen.

Vanessa: It is from Chelsea  

and she says, "Is this pregnancy different  from your pregnancy with the boys?" Well,  

you were not pregnant with  any of them, unfortunately.

Dan: Yes, very different.

Vanessa: I would say this pregnancy is  

different, but not because she's a girl. That's  my guess. This pregnancy is different because  

it's my third pregnancy and that makes it a lot  harder. So my body hurts more, my belly's a lot  

bigger than with them. Just everything is harder  because it's the third pregnancy. I don't know  

if it's the same for everyone. I know some people  have a very smooth, easy pregnancy. For me, this  

pregnancy is very difficult and I'm very ready  for it to be finished, so that's pretty much it.

Dan: Was the morning sickness about the same though?

Vanessa: Yeah, I'd say morning sickness,  

which is when you feel nauseous during the  first trimester, that was pretty similar.  

I think it's just that everything happened  sooner and my body hurts more in general.

Dan: I have  

noted that with every child, she  complains about her body earlier.

Vanessa: Yes. Yeah,  

and I think that that's very possible. My body is  having a harder time this time and that's normal.  

So yeah, anyway, it's different. It's harder,  but not because she's a girl, I think. All right,  

let's go to the next question. Now, this was one  of our most asked questions and sometimes this  

question can be perceived as rude, but because  I asked my students directly to ask me anything,  

it's okay that they ask this, but I want  you to be careful when you're talking with  

a random person who's pregnant. Do not ask  this, but now it's okay. So for those of  

you who asked me this question, it's okay.  The question is, can you guess what it is?

Dan: Was she an accident or on purpose?

Vanessa: That's it. That's one of the-

Dan: That's rude way to say it.

Vanessa: Yeah, so  

Gloria asked this in a very nice way. She said,  "Did you plan this baby or was it a surprise?"

Dan: Oh, that's-

Vanessa: Surprise is very positive word.

Dan: ... That's the nice way to say it is a surprise.

Vanessa: Yeah. So I'd  

like to explain really quick before we answer  this, why it can be considered rude. And it's  

not really because it's too personal,  it's more because if you did not plan  

your pregnancy and you just got pregnant  by accident, there's kind of a concern,  

maybe for me, if I got pregnant by accident  then and someone said, "Is this an accidental  

pregnancy?" And I said "Yes," I might feel like,  oh, they might think I don't love my child. It

Dan: It puts you on the spot.

Vanessa: Yeah, it kind  

of feels like maybe you don't care about  your child as much as someone who plans  

their pregnancy. So I think it can make,  especially the mother feel uncomfortable.  

But for those of you who asked this to us, no  problem. I allowed you to ask any question.

Dan: Yeah, we don't have a problem with it.

Vanessa: So answer-

Dan: Especially because...

Vanessa: ... Did we plan this baby?

Dan: We always plan  

all children. You cannot be married  to this woman and not have a plan.

Vanessa: Yeah. So generally I'm very careful about,  

I know things could always happen, but I try to  be very careful about planning when we have a baby  

and all of those types of things. I think that  that's important for the family unit, important  

for me. I know that your body and your life is  often unpredictable, but that's just how it went  

for us. The next category is questions about birth  and around the birth time. So our first question  

is from Lucas and he says, "Will you give birth  at home like you did with you and Freddie?" Quick  

correction. I gave birth in a birth center for  Theo and Freddie. So it's like a home environment,  

but they have all of the emergency supplies should  your baby need oxygen, if you hemorrhage and you  

can't stop bleeding, they can help you with all  of that and it's a very comforting environment.  

It's not the hospital, but it's kind of beside the  hospital. Anyway, it was a beautiful experience.

Dan: It feels like a bedroom.

Vanessa: Yeah, it's kind of like a bedroom,  

like a really nice hotel room. I feel extremely  lucky that we had that available in our city, but-

Dan: Now we don't.

Vanessa: ... About a year and a half ago, the birth  

center had to close. There was just insurance  problems. It was really a big shame. I know the US  

doesn't have a good healthcare reputation and this  is one of the problems. So the birth center closed  

down and I needed to find an alternative and we  had two options. One was to go to the hospital and  

one was to have a home birth because I already  had two very smooth, pretty straightforward-

Dan: Successful.

Vanessa: ... Successful,  

simple births, I feel very lucky about that, I  know a lot of people have scary birth stories,  

but for me it was really empowering and great.  Not like fun, but certainly a positive experience  

overall. I felt comfortable not giving birth in  the hospital. So I interviewed a couple midwives  

who come to your house and help you as you're  giving birth, and we found one that we really  

liked. So I've been having appointments with her.  It's just like normal, really. She takes my blood,  

she does various tests, all of those types of  things. And when she comes to the house when I'm  

in labor, she said she has three gigantic  bags of all of the emergency supplies and  

anything that she might need to help me or  the baby. And yeah, we'll see what happens.

Dan: She seems very capable.

Vanessa: Yeah, very capable, very-

Dan: She's delivered thousands of babies.

Vanessa: ... Yeah, and I think because I've given  

birth before, I kind of feel more comfortable  with the experience in general. So yeah, that's  

what we're going to do. We'll let you know how it  turns out. All right, the next question could be  

more for both of us. And a lot of people ask this.  Carmen, Michele, Evangelina, and Ofelia asked,  

do you think Freddie and Theo will be jealous  of their little sister? What do you think?

Dan: I don't think so, no.

Vanessa: Okay.

Dan: I think they're going to be just very excited  

to see her and be with her and I think they won't  be jealous. I think they might get frustrated if  

we're doing something with her and they want  to play with us or talk to us or something.

Vanessa: That's kind of part of jealousy  

though. I think that's how kids  can express jealousy in a way.

Dan: Oh, okay.

Vanessa: Is like extra anger, extra frustration.

Dan: They're just kind of like that now anyways,  

if we're doing something and they want our  attention, they're going to be upset about it.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: I don't... Jealousy?

Vanessa: No, they've reacted-

Dan: I don't think so.

Vanessa: ... Really positively to other  

babies. And whenever we talk about Matilda,  it's funny because you know how as adults,  

whenever we're near babies, your voice kind  of goes up like oh little baby, you kind of  

create this baby voice, our kids do that too.  They'll say, "Oh, I wonder if Matilda's going  

to have little cute fingers." And they have that  voice too. So you can kind of tell that they are  

expecting her to be a cute little play thing. I  think it will become harder as she gets older and  

starts grabbing their things. It's always growing  pains, but I feel like in general it'll be okay.

Dan: Yeah, and  

I associate jealousy behavior with something  like hitting the baby because they're upset-

Vanessa: Oh, like aggressive.

Dan: ... That mommy's holding the baby.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: But I don't think they're going to be like that.

Vanessa: In general, what I found is that having  

a newborn is okay. Having a three-year-old is the  problem. So I expect that the very age appropriate  

three-year-old tantrums that our three-year-old  is experiencing now will also happen later. And  

it will just be harder for us because we also will  have a small baby to care for. So I don't really  

expect it will be that much more, but it will just  continue and we'll have more responsibilities,  

which will make it trickier for us. So yeah,  that's the idea. We'll see. All right, Ana,  

Gualterio, and Olindo had a similar type of  question. "Will you have some kind of help with  

the kids after she's born?" Olindo specifically  asked about the role of grandparents because he's  

a grandfather, so he helps to take care of his  grandkids, takes them to sports games, and this  

is specifically about after birth, but they asked,  "Is it normal to have help with your kids, either  

paid help or grandparent help after the baby's  born?" So yeah, what will we do? Do we know?

Dan: I believe my mom will be here for a while. Right?

Vanessa: We'll see how long a while is.

Dan: I don't think this is set in stone yet.

Vanessa: It's not.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: So because we're going to be,  

because we have other children, even if we  weren't giving birth at home, even if it were at  

a hospital or birth center, you still need someone  to take care of your kids while you're gone. So  

Dan's mom is going to come during the birth and  probably the next day. With Theo and Freddie,  

with Theo, our oldest child, she stayed for  two weeks and then with Freddie she stayed  

less time. But in the end, I'm not exactly sure  what will happen this time, but we do have several  

babysitters who help in our daily lives now  so that I can film these videos and do my job.

Dan: And be sane.

Vanessa: And be sane.  

Everyone needs help in their life. So they will  also be coming to be with our oldest children  

and we'll be with the baby. So it's kind of  perfect timing because she'll be born at the  

beginning of June. We didn't mention she's  going to be born at the beginning of June.

Dan: Oh yeah.

Vanessa: We don't know when,  

but sometime at the beginning of June.

Dan: Maybe May.

Vanessa: And Dan works at a school,  

so school will be out, which is perfect because  we will both be home all summer. So for me,  

I feel like we can care for me and the  baby and then if someone helps to care  

for Theo and Freddie, that would be great.  Obviously we'll still spend time with them,  

but I think I am less worried about someone  caring for the baby and if you can take care  

of me and I take care of her and someone else  takes care of them, we'll be good. Right?

Dan: Right.

Vanessa: Yeah. We're basically asking  

all of our friends and family to... We don't  really need baby stuff, so we're asking them,  

if you want to give us something, please give  us food, please make a meal and we can put it  

in our freezer. I think that's the perfect gift  so I think we will be taking care of. I hope.

Dan: Mm-hmm.

Vanessa: Along with the idea of help and getting help,  

Sharon and Valentina had an interesting question  that shows how not American this is. Is it  

expensive to have a baby in the US and will you  receive a government subsidy for a newborn baby?  

That's what I laughed at. So my first thought,  and then you can say something about this,  

my first thought was if you are already receiving  government subsidies, maybe you are on welfare,  

or you get food stamps, or something like  that, you will receive some kind of care,  

like some kind of extra subsidy or something to  help you pay for baby food or something like that.

Dan: You have to be under a certain income level.

Vanessa: Yeah, so if  

you're already receiving that, you  might get something also for your  

baby. But for most people, the government  doesn't care if you have a baby or not.

Dan: Well,  

you count them on your taxes  and you probably pay less taxes.

Vanessa: There's a  

little bit less taxes because you have for each  child, but it's that much, it's not worth it.

Dan: They certainly don't give you money.

Vanessa: No. And they don't give... I know some countries-

Dan: They don't give  

you a time off or anything like that.

Vanessa: ... Yeah, no time off. They won't  

give you a package. I know some countries give  a baby package to every new family and you get-

Dan: Oh.

Vanessa: ... It's kind of famous, I think in  

Norway where they give you a baby box and the baby  box is big enough to be like a crib for a newborn  

and they have towels, and swaddles, and bottles,  and tons of stuff for a baby. And I don't know,  

that would be amazing if someone wants to send  us that, but the government does not do that.

Dan: No.  

Our government's more interested in making bombs.

Vanessa: That's the truth of the matter. So the  

first question was, is it expensive to have a baby  in the US? It depends what you think about money.

Dan: Yeah, it depends on, I don't know. We've  

just always really worked into our budget child  stuff. I don't think it's incredibly expensive.

Vanessa: So I know a  

couple different costs. The first one is  Americans pay health insurance monthly.  

And that's around, I wouldn't say at the  moment, it's specifically a requirement,  

but almost everybody has some kind of  health insurance. And usually your company,  

if you work full-time, will pay like 50% of  the healthcare or the health insurance monthly  

costs. So if you work for a company, your health  insurance is much cheaper than someone like us.

Dan: Yeah, we're  

not the best people to ask  because we're self-employed.

Vanessa: Oh,  

and you get the short end of  the stick. Let me tell you why.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: You got to pay the  

full price of health insurance. You have to find  your own health insurance independently. Not fun.

Dan: It's expensive. I mean,  

America is not known for cheap healthcare.

Vanessa: No. Yeah, so in general,  

I would say if you work for a company, you might  pay like $100.00 a month in health insurance. If  

you work for yourself, you might pay between  $500.00 and $1,000.00 per month in health  

insurance. So thinking about that, that is part  of the cost. When we went to the birth center and  

for this home birth midwife that we're paying, the  cost is about $6,000.00. So our health insurance,  

we pay a lot for per month, we will get reimbursed  a big chunk of that, over 50% of that we will get  

reimbursed. If you have a hospital birth, I know  some friends have had a hospital birth, they had a  

C-section, and they did not have insurance and  it costs $10,000.00, which is a lot of money.

Dan: It's less than I would've expected.

Vanessa: But that's what I thought. I thought it  

would be like $100,000.00 and usually the hospital  gives you some kind of payment plan. So you could  

pay $100.00 every month for the rest of your life  or something like that. So that's the cost that  

I know. I know some people who have... I don't  know how expensive their insurance is monthly,  

but their whole birth was like $25.00, but maybe  they're paying $500.00 a month in insurance.

Dan: Or more.

Vanessa: Or more. So  

it's hard to say exactly. It's  a very complicated question.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: But if you plan on  

having a baby in the US, save some money.

Dan: Don't.

Vanessa: Don't. Save some money,  

and yeah, just check with your  insurance company. I know some  

insurance companies like ours, you  can't start a new insurance company  

if you're already pregnant. Okay. Are we  ready to move on to our next question?

Dan: I think we should.

Vanessa: Okay. The next  

question is also a new category.  We just talked about pregnancy,  

then we talked about birth and around the birth  time. Next is our life with three children.  

So we have a lot of people who asked the same  question. Maggy, Amaury, Elodie, Lizzy all asked,  

"Do you want to have another baby after Matilda?"  First of all, never ask a seven month, eight month  

pregnant woman if she wants another baby. That's  okay. I'm just saying that as a joke. But yeah.

Dan: Don't ask her to her face.

Vanessa: Let's answer together on three. Are you ready?

Dan: Okay.

Vanessa: Three, two, one.

Dan: No.

Vanessa: No. So this is it. I think  

I will do everything in my power and so will Dan  to make sure that this is it. Our family is done.

Dan: Yeah,  

three feels perfect to me. I mean, obviously  I grew up with two siblings, so it makes sense  

and I know it was already quite a push for  you to go with three. So four is a bit...

Vanessa: Yeah, if we-

Dan: As close to out of the question as possible.

Vanessa: ... So the underlying feature here is if I said  

in the future that, oh, guess what, we're having  a fourth baby, you'll know it was not planned.

Dan: That one is an accident.

Vanessa: Yes. So I  

think three is good. My baby, my belly, and my  body is suffering a lot. So we'll stop it here.

Dan: So you can finally recuperate after this.

Vanessa: Yes, it would be great to say,  

okay, now my body is mine kind of. I still have  at least another year of taking care of a baby  

with my body. But the idea that I can go to the  gym, I can work out, I can try to repair my body,  

all of these things and that's it. I'm not going  to get pregnant again and then have to go through  

all that again. All right, the next one is also a  big question and a lot of people asked it, Ella,  

Eleonora, Jeff, Ana and Claudia all asked, "How  in the world will you arrange your day between  

your professional duties, housekeeping, and  your three beautiful children?" I don't know.

Dan: Well, babysitters are pretty key.

Vanessa: Mm-hmm.

Dan: We could  

have a nanny, honestly, but we  have good babysitters already.

Vanessa: Yeah. So as far as childcare, our oldest will  

be going to first grade. He's in kindergarten this  year. He'll be going to first grade. Our second,  

he's three, he will be going to preschool. And  that's nine o'clock to one o'clock, four days  

a week. And the baby will be with me and  Dan will be working at our oldest's school.

Dan: Our oldest son's school.

Vanessa: So he has the same hours, the same vacations.

Dan: I take him to school, all that.

Vanessa: You help to commute  

him to school, so that's a good puzzle  piece in our life. As far as childcare,  

I think the hard time comes  when children are sick.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: You just have mad chaos-

Dan: Yeah, that throws off everything.

Vanessa: ... No matter what.  

So that's for childcare. I feel like when-

Dan: That's also the time you work.

Vanessa: 

... Yeah. When Matilda is young,  really young, she'll nap a lot.

Vanessa: Yeah, when Matilda is young,  

like really young, she'll nap a lot, and  I plan to just lower my standards. I'll  

still film YouTube videos. I'll  still be active in my business,  

but I'm not going to be making a ton of new  courses and lots of new stuff over the next year.

Dan: She always says that.

Vanessa: That's true.  

But I do have a lot of help in my business,  in Speak English with Vanessa. There's about  

10 or so people who participate in helping make  this business run, help to edit videos, help to-

Dan: She's got a real team now.

Vanessa: ... Answer student  

questions. All of this, whether you know it or  not, there's a lot of work that goes into making  

this run. So it's not just me. And I think that  due to other people helping, it will continue.  

Right now, I am working very hard to prepare  for the next six months, so I would love to,  

I'm filming a lot of YouTube videos, like four  months worth of YouTube videos. I have a lot  

of things prepared in advance, and a lot of the  people who are working for the business are also  

preparing for kind of a maternity leave. I'm still going to be doing something,  

but it's not going to be as busy, and  it's a good thing when you get pregnant,  

you have nine months to prepare. So I'm using  this time to kind of prepare for the business,  

and I'm sure at some point Matilda will be taking  less naps, she'll be sleeping less, and I'll need  

to have someone come a couple mornings a week to  watch her so that I can do my business, which is  

what we do now. But I think at the beginning  we'll just take it slow, see how it goes.

Dan: Yeah. We'll  

have some time, especially early  on, to just be with our family,  

build a new relationship with this child, and  then after that we'll have help via babysitters.

Vanessa: Yeah. One of the  

parts of this, it said, "Professional duties,  three beautiful children and housekeeping."

Dan: Oh.

Vanessa: Yeah. That's why we have Dan.

Dan: Who does that?  

Yeah. Right now I'm the housekeeper.

Vanessa: Yeah. So at the moment,  

Dan does everything for the house, and that's  kind of a halfway through pregnancy into the  

future. Who knows? Maybe Dan will always  do all the household chores. Probably not,  

but I think it's really useful to try to help  each other out when you can. Especially when  

having a third child, having a business. Both of  us are working, part-time, but also full-time,  

and there's a lot going on in our lives. You  just need to be there for each other really.

Dan: At least we have the robot.

Vanessa: Oh yeah. And we have about 10 robots-

Dan: The robo vac, I mean.

Vanessa: ... Who also live in our  

house and do everything. Just kidding. Talking  about us though, we have one bonus question,  

but before we get to the bonus question,  Edita has a question about us. She said,  

"How can you keep up your relationship with  each other when you have three children?"

Dan: We don't know yet.

Vanessa: 

How do you do it when you have  one child or two children?

Dan: Well, anytime you  

have a toddler in the house, it gets  pretty difficult, let's put it that way.

Vanessa: Yeah. I feel like-

Dan: Because by the end  

of the day, you're like, I'm done.

Vanessa: I'm so tired.

Dan: We don't  

have time to work out our problems.  It's like, can I just pass out now?

Vanessa: Yeah. I think  

anyone who has kids period realizes that  there's a big extra effort that you have  

to put into your relationship to just find the  energy for each other, and I think we try to do  

that. We don't always succeed, but trying  to find some time for each other is good.

Dan: A big thing for  

us is that we have a couple's therapist that  we see every week or every other week or so,  

and so that really helps us check in  with each other. Having a middleman  

there really helps being like, "Hey,  how do I really feel right now?"

Vanessa: Yeah. Highly  

recommend talking with a couple's  therapist for anyone who is in a  

relationship. You don't have to be on the  brink of divorce to go see a therapist.

Dan: You don't have to wait till then.

Vanessa: No, do not wait till then.  

I know when we started meeting with him, we were  like, yeah, our relationship has normal problems,  

but it's not disastrous, and it's been  so helpful for us. You don't have to be-

Dan: It's very eyeopening.

Vanessa: ... At the very end of  

your relationship to do that. So I think that's  been, it's helped us to understand each other  

better. And also all of these big life changes.  It's like a teacher, you have a teacher kind of  

guiding you through that, because, I don't know,  we don't really live in a culture where you have  

great-grandparents and grandparents and parents  all living together helping with your life a lot  

and teaching you about how to do different  things. So having a professional give you  

some insight and ask the hard questions.  Yeah, that's been really helpful for us.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: So yeah, highly recommend.

Dan: We also occasionally go on a date.

Vanessa: I think whenever we get a chance to go out to  

lunch or drop the children off at Dan's parents'  house for a couple days. We're going to do that  

next week. And it feels so refreshing. And I think  just try to take those chances when you can. Don't  

feel guilty about enjoying spending time away  from your children. First of all, your children  

need other people in their lives, not just you.  They need grandparents. They need babysitters.  

They need a community, not just their parents.  So it's good for us, but it's also good for them,  

I think, too. All right, we have one final  question. It is a bonus question. Are you ready?

Dan: Bonus.

Vanessa: Yes. All right. Well,  

we've talked a lot about our experiences and our  lives, but Ava has a great question. Ava says,  

"Do you have any recommendations for someone  who's pregnant for the first time?" Well,  

we're not the world's foremost  experts, but we've gone through  

this a couple times. What would you say?

Dan: I think you're an expert. At this point.

Vanessa: I think if you've gone through pregnancy one time,  

all of a sudden you have so much more experience  and then two times and then three times.

Dan: Well,  

does she mean actually the pregnancy part or?

Vanessa: Yeah, I would say-

Dan: Because a better person to answer that part.

Vanessa: ... Pregnancy, the mindset,  

your relationship, all of that stuff. I think  we could take this question in many directions.

Dan: Yeah. Well, I hope that you have time to spend  

with your partner for one. I hope the partner's  there. That's pretty key. Having somebody who's  

really your support person is extremely important.  So even if the partner's not in the picture,  

then you're going to need somebody who's super  committed to being with you during that time.

Vanessa: I think that's a good  

starting place, is having... Well, if you're  already pregnant, it's too late, but choosing-

Dan: Let's turn  

the chapter back a little bit. Find  the right person to get pregnant with.

Vanessa: Choosing someone who you like and having  

kids with them. I know when one of my friends  was thinking about having a baby, she's like,  

"I just don't know when the right time is."  And I was like, yeah, maybe there's some times  

that are better than other times. But the  biggest question is, is he the right person? 

Because it's never going to be a perfect time  to get pregnant, but if you're with the person  

that you want to be with, in the end it will work  out. Yes, sometimes will be harder than others,  

but I think the first question is who? And I  would say the second thing is a lot of people,  

a lot of women who are pregnant for the first  time, it's very normal, I was like this too,  

do a lot of research and feel a lot  more anxious about their first child,  

especially for us compared to number two and  number three. It's not that they're neglected,  

it's you're more realistic about what your  life is going to be like. So I would say talk  

to other people who have two or three children  or more when you're pregnant with your first  

child. Because I think it helps to give some  perspective when you're worried about, well,  

is this type of washing detergent? I know new  mothers sometimes think I need to wash my baby's  

clothes in this specific type of soap, or those  little things that can really stress you out. 

Talking to someone who's had more children, just  chit-chatting with them. Or even if you, I know  

there's some great YouTube channels of parents  who have 11 children. Don't look at the crazy  

ones. Look at people who seem pretty normal still,  and it can be really grounding to see their kind  

of advice where we are thinking about, oh, okay,  we have two boys and then a baby girl. Are they  

all going to sleep in the same room? What are they  going to do? We have three kids, so we have kind  

of a lot of experience, but when you hear about  someone who has six or seven children and you see  

their life, living situations, it kind of helps  give you more perspective. So you feel not anxious  

about everything. There's some things that are  worth spending a lot of time on, but in general,  

I think that can help give you good perspective.  A little tip that I am just learning now is-

Dan: A little late.

Vanessa: A little late, but is  

not too late yet. There's a very interesting book  called The Fourth Trimester. A lot of talk when  

you have a baby is how to take care of the baby,  what do you do with the baby? But a lot of the  

focus goes off of you when you're pregnant. It's  like, "Oh, your belly, oh, the mom, mom, mom." 

But then when you have the baby, a lot of the  focus is on the baby. So this book focuses on  

how to take care of yourself, and I guess  the spoiler is that you don't take care  

of yourself. You have other people helping to  take care of you, and you kind of set up your-

Dan: You need your pamper people.

Vanessa: Yes. You set  

up your life so that the first couple months  after birth, you are taken care of because it  

can be a really big shock. It is going to be a  big shock starting your life as a mother. And  

so I think this book would be extremely helpful  to a third time mother or a first time mother to  

help you be able to be your best self so that  you can come out of the first three months  

of having a baby and you feel stronger,  you feel more capable, and you feel ready  

for starting that new part of your life. I feel like that book would've been very  

helpful to me. Maybe you live in a culture that  really takes care of new mothers. We don't. So  

I think the ideas in this book were really  helpful to me. So anyway, that's my advice.

Dan: I think I have another tip.

Vanessa: Oh, okay.

Dan: First time mother?

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: You should go to a birth class.

Vanessa: Definitely.

Dan: Yeah.  

Because we went to a class together that kind of-

Vanessa: Go together. Yes.

Dan: Yes. Make sure  

you bring your partner, your support person.

Vanessa: Yes.

Dan: And yeah,  

they just went over all the different things  you can do to not basically freak out and help  

the person through it, what all the different  signs are during the labor so you're not totally  

surprised. And I probably need a refresher Last  time with Freddy, our second child, I just read  

the paper over and I was like, oh yeah, those are  the good tips. And so I was more prepared. With-

Vanessa: And he just came  

so fast that there's no time to think.

Dan: But with your first,  

it will probably take a lot longer  so it's good to be very prepared,  

especially the husbands out there or  partners of various shapes and sizes  

and forms. Take a birth class with your wife  or partner. Yeah, you need to be prepared too.

Vanessa: Yeah. I think  

that sets you up for the birth, but it sets  you up for being parents together. A lot of  

moms will have a pregnancy app on their  phone. I remember the first day of that  

pregnancy or the birth class, the teacher asked  us, "So who has a pregnancy app on your phone?" 

All of the women raise their hands. And they said,  "Okay guys, which one of you have a pregnancy app  

on your phone?" And none of the men raised their  hands. So if you're the one who's not pregnant,  

doing a birth class together, or just even having  a day where you go over some birth articles or  

watch a couple birth videos together, those  types of things, it sets you up to be partners  

with your baby. It's not just the mom's duty.  There's a lot that is on the mom that the mom  

has to do and the other person can't do. But  in general, that mindset that you're in this  

together is really important. So yeah, that was a good tip. 

Well, thank you so much for joining me on that  pregnancy conversation journey. Now we're going  

to step into parenting. After having that child,  we are now deep into the three child parenting  

life. So let's go on to that conversation  where you'll see some of your questions  

that we answered about parenting. Let's go. Are you ready to start with the first question?

Dan: I'm ready.

Vanessa: All right. Here goes.

Dan: What could it be?

Vanessa: The questions are from Alex,  

from Brazil, Claudio, also from Brazil, and  Vera from Taiwan. They all asked questions  

about parenting. The first one is, "What  has it been like having three kids so far?"  

Maybe we should give a little background  of our children's ages and all of that.

Dan: How many children  

do we have? We do have three. Indeed.

Vanessa: Yes. So we have Theo,  

who is six now. We have Freddy, who is three,  and we have a new baby, Matilda, who is two  

months old when you're watching this. Yeah.  What's it been like having three kids so far?

Dan: I feel  

like what we've experienced so far is not  probably representative of what will happen.

Vanessa: Oh yeah?

Dan: Yes. Because Matilda,  

she is just a little baby and she is  actually a very, very, very good sleeper.

Vanessa: Oh, so easy.

Dan: That's really  

made it very helpful for us. She takes her nap  and then she wakes up and she's not that upset,  

and then she takes another nap  and then she sleeps all night.

Vanessa: That's unbelievable.

Dan: Possibly  

unheard of for a baby. So, so far it's been  pretty easy with Matilda, but the other two,  

as they get older, I think they kind of  in their own way get a little harder.

Vanessa: Yeah,  

they say bigger kids, bigger  problems, generally is how it goes. 

And I'm sure it will all change as they get older  and all go through different stages. But really,  

I think the most difficult, oftentimes parents  ask, what's the most difficult stage? I think  

the most difficult was going from zero kids to  one kid because it's such a huge life change. We  

were going to the brewery and trivia night  late at night and going with our friends.

Dan: We had a nightlife.

Vanessa: 

Going on long hikes and  doing things spontaneously.

Dan: We were camping.

Vanessa: Going camping and-

Dan: Backpacking in fact.

Vanessa: And then when  

you have a baby, all of a sudden  your life changes dramatically.

Dan: Now  

backpacking is carrying the baby down the stairs.

Vanessa: You're always  

backpacking. So I feel like that was the biggest  change and probably the most difficult change. I  

know a lot of people say going from one kid to  two kids is the most difficult because all of  

a sudden you're juggling two different  humans. But for us, at least for me,  

I would say going from zero to one was the  most difficult one to two. It was trickier.

Dan: I think it  

gets progressively harder,  but I'm not a woman, so.

Vanessa: Well, everyone's got  

their own opinion about this. I think going from  two to three so far hasn't been a huge change.

Dan: Not too bad.

Vanessa: Maybe it's  

just because she's pretty chill and I think  that this summer has been really special  

because you've been home. I've had another  parent at home at all times to help with all  

the children. So instead of being parenting  alone, being a parent alone with three kids,  

right now, we've got two parents at home at  all times. But when you're watching this,  

that is changing because school is starting  back. Dan's going back to work at the school  

where he works. Theo will also be going to  school. Freddy will be going to preschool,  

so it'll be a little bit trickier. So maybe  we'll keep you updated. That's the final answer.

Dan: Yeah.  

I think it's a lot trickier for moms,  especially when they're at home. Now  

that I've been home for the summer,  it's actually been harder for me,  

I think overall because you're always  holding or caring for somebody all the time.

Vanessa: There's no break.

Dan: And that's especially true with the  

baby. So it's just cycling through the kids. Who am I tending to now? Y.

Vanessa: Yeah. Sometimes we say,  

"If it's not one, it's the other." Somebody is  always having a problem at all times. Hopefully  

it's not all three at the same time. I  think that only happened one time so far.

Dan: Wait, what?

Vanessa: When everyone was crying?

Dan: Oh yeah.

Vanessa: And we  

were almost there. We were almost crying too.

Dan: I don't know. At that point,  

you just kind of look at each other and  you kind of laugh because you're like,  

what am I going to do now? I  don't know. You're all crying.

Vanessa: Well, here we go.

Dan: Let's let them cry.

Vanessa: I know. I saw a  

picture once. There's a Facebook page, it's also  an Instagram page called Humans of New York. Maybe  

you've seen it before. If not, I highly recommend  it because it's a great way to get little snippets  

of language and culture. Anyway, there's a guy who  goes around New York taking pictures of strangers  

and he asks them a bit about their lives and  they usually share something pretty interesting,  

I think. But there was one couple he took  a picture of and they had a young child  

with them and he said something like, or they  said something about the process of deciding  

whether or not they should have children. And they're like, "I don't know. We like  

our lives now. Should we have kids?" And I think  the husband, he said, "Well, having kids is the  

full human experience. Humans have been having  children and being around children for eternity."

Dan: That's right.

Vanessa: She said that when their  

child is screaming in the bath or having a crazy  time, they just look at each other and say, "Full  

human experience." And really, that's kind of all  you can do. Yeah. I get frustrated sometimes. I  

get angry sometimes, but in the end, you kind of  just got to take a step back and go, all right.

Dan: You just keep  

telling yourself, I hope  it'll be worth it someday.

Vanessa: We are experiencing the full human experience.

Dan: It's not really that bad though.

Vanessa: No.

Dan: In general,  

it's been very nice and very  rewarding. That's the word.

Vanessa: Yeah. I think  

that's the thing about parenting is that  on paper there's a lot of negatives. You  

got to change your life. It's  expensive, it's a lot of work-

Dan: You got to change diapers.

Vanessa: You got to change diapers.  

There's a lot of negatives on paper involved,  but I think anyone who has been a parent,  

or if you've been an aunt and you've helped to  take care of your sister's child or a grandmother  

and taking care of other children, it's intangible  the reward, which, that's a great vocabulary word. 

Just as a little reminder, we will be talking  about some key vocabulary from this conversation  

in a couple of weeks on my YouTube channel, so  don't miss that video. Make sure you subscribe  

to the Speak English with Vanessa YouTube  channel so that you can get the vocabulary  

lesson coming in a few weeks about this lesson. All right, let's go to our next question. Our  

next question also has to do with parenting and  it's talking about competition. How do you handle  

competition between siblings? First of all, let's  talk about what is competition between siblings.

Dan: And these are big  

questions. I don't know if  I'm ready for the surprise.

Vanessa: Alex, Vera and Claudio were not holding  

back with their questions. Yeah, let's talk about  what is competition first? What competition means.

Dan: Competition  

is where two people can't  win. Only one person can win.

Vanessa: Fighting, arguing.

Dan: You're competing for the one prize, basically.

Vanessa: Which usually,  

I think that prize in a family  is your parents' attention. 

So there's only two of us, and sometimes  there's only one of us at home. So that  

competition is often, they're not thinking, I  want to be the one to get mom's attention the  

most. They're not really consciously thinking  that, but that's just by nature how it is,  

that the limited resource is our attention. So siblings, that's brothers and sisters.  

Competition between siblings,  do we do anything about that?

Dan: Yes,  

especially in the sense of our attention. I think  we try to give each kid attention, especially  

one-on-one attention. Although I've noticed that  with Freddy, our second one, he definitely cries  

out for attention a lot more. He does more  things to make you say, "What are you doing?"

Vanessa: Little naughty things sometimes.

Dan: A lot more  

naughty things and a lot more like, "Hey, look  at me, look at me, Daddy." Stuff like that. So  

he is a lot more direct about it, I think. And  it's probably because he's the second child.

Vanessa: Yeah. Yeah. I mean,  

you're the second child. You're the  middle child. You're like Freddy.

Dan: Apparently, I was the quiet one though.

Vanessa: Yeah?

Dan: Yeah. Easygoing. I was sneaky though.

Vanessa: I think that's  

a cry for attention too. It's like doing  little things to try to get away with it,  

and just, I don't know. Did you ever feel  like you lacked attention from your parents?

Dan: Is this about my childhood now?

Vanessa: Yes. We're turning it on you.

Dan: Yeah,  

maybe a little bit. Because it was the, I was the  easy child, and my brother was a little bit more  

of the squeaky wheel is the expression we use. The  squeaky wheel gets the oil. Is that the saying?

Vanessa: Yep.

Dan: So yeah,  

he was a little more of a  challenging kid than I was.

Vanessa: So your parents' attention was on him?

Dan: At least from my parents' perspective. Yeah.

Vanessa: Yeah. I mean that's  

what I've heard, that they just put a lot  of attention on him because he was either  

more difficult or they perceived him as more  difficult. And so it's not that you got ignored,  

it's just that maybe they felt like  you didn't need that type of attention.

Dan: Well, they just thought that I was like,  

he's good. Look at him, he's happy  he's doing his thing. Yeah. And inside,  

well, yeah, I maybe had some problems  down the road because, maybe.

Vanessa: I think everyone  

wants as much of their parents' attention  as possible, and I'm sure you did too.

Dan: Yeah.  

I think Freddy is much more  direct than I was. He's pretty-

Vanessa: But I think  

that's good. I want to know what he's thinking.

Dan: He's very headstrong.  

He's more your sister than me. Her  sister is the second child too.

Vanessa: Yeah. One that will tell you,  

"I want this and I want it now, and I'm not going  to stop until I get it." That kind of attitude.

Dan: That's exactly what I want.

Vanessa: Yes. But I think  

that was one of my thoughts when we were deciding  whether or not we wanted to have a third kid was,  

will I be able to give enough attention to  Freddy? Because it's kind of a stereotype  

that the middle child gets glossed over or  forgotten, and I love Freddy. I don't want  

him to be glossed over, but kind of by  default, we spent years with only Theo-

Dan: He won't let you not get attention.

Vanessa: ... And then I have a baby,  

so I have to spend time with her. And so  what happens to the middle child? By default,  

they get a little bit less attention their  whole lives. So I wanted to make sure that  

that was something that I could handle. Because  yeah. I love Freddy. I don't want him to get  

less attention, but I think he's ready to stand  up for himself. He's got a strong personality.

Dan: Yeah, he does. What  

about competition with each other? Because  that's how I would've initially taken the-

Vanessa: Like fighting with each other maybe?

Dan: Yeah. Or I mean,  

I have noticed that Freddy will say, "I can  do this the best." And Theo will be like,  

"No, I can do it better." So they  kind of have these little arguments.

Vanessa: I think we try not to compare  

them with each other in front of them. Sometimes  when we're talking with just each other, when the  

kids are asleep, we might say, "Is this okay?  Theo didn't do this and Freddy's doing this?" 

We might talk amongst ourselves about that,  but I think it's really important to not say,  

"Theo does this. Freddy, you should do it too."  Or, "Freddy, Theo doesn't do that. Look at him."  

That kind of comparison. It's better to keep  it, I think more general, like, "Don't hit." 

Instead of saying, "Theo doesn't hit, you  shouldn't hit too." Just don't hit. Keeping  

it as a rule versus a comparison. Also, I  would highly recommend if you have multiple  

children or if you are a grandparent that has  multiple grandkids, there's a book called-

Dan: Siblings.

Vanessa: Yes.

Dan: Rivalry?

Vanessa: There's a  

book. Siblings Without Rivalry is the older-

Dan: That's a different one.

Vanessa: ... Older version.  

It's Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings. It took  me a moment to think of that. Peaceful parent,  

Happy Siblings. I'll put a picture of it right  here, on Dan's face. This book gives amazing tips  

about how to help there be less competition  between siblings and just have your kids get  

along. I think when I see you with your siblings,  as adults, you guys get along really well. It's  

so nice that at Christmas when everyone  gets together. Some people dread going to-

Dan: Well, that's true.

Vanessa: ... Family gatherings  

because they just fight with their siblings  or they just have a terrible relationship  

and I feel like you guys get along,  you play games, you enjoy chatting.

Dan: Me and my brother can be a bit.

Vanessa: But-

Dan: That's sadly,  

I don't know. I think that's brother stuff.

Vanessa: Yeah. I think compared to what it could be,  

from my opinion as an outsider, I think that  you guys have what I would want my kids to have.

Dan: We've mellowed out with  

age too. There was definitely phases in me and my  brother's life where it was pretty contentious.

Vanessa: Yeah. What'd you guys do?

Dan: We fought a lot in high school.

Vanessa: Did you ever-

Dan: Middle school, high school.

Vanessa: ... Physically hit each other?

Dan: Yes.

Vanessa: I think that's probably normal.

Dan: Yeah. I mean,  

Theo and Freddy do sometimes too, but not too  often. I think Theo is actually pretty good at  

recognizing that he's the older brother and not  always being so serious about the competition. 

And then Freddy will even recognize,  "Well, someday when I'm bigger,  

I'll get better at this." So they almost  both have a little bit of recognition.

Vanessa: But the other day when  

Theo wasn't at home, he was at a friend's house,  and we were talking to Freddy and we're like,  

"Oh, what would it be like if you were the  oldest sibling, Freddy?" He got this look on  

his face like, I would be bigger than everyone. I  would get to do everything better than everyone.

Dan: He loves this idea.

Vanessa: Yeah. I think that it's just,  

like I said, by default, the second kid and third  are going to have kind of a complex almost that  

they're not the biggest, but that's normal.  Humans have been dealing with this forever,  

so it's not dooming them. But it's just  going to be part of their personality.

Dan: I think a big picture with our kids,  

it seems like maybe we're a little bit fortunate  that they're not gung-ho, crazy, competitive-

Dan: ... gung-ho, crazy competitive.  

I think some kids can be a lot  more, and they're not, especially.

Vanessa: At least at this point.

Dan: Yes.

Vanessa: I wonder if  

there's a developmental stage that, well,  there's lots of stages we haven't gotten  

to yet. Our oldest is only six, that  maybe they'll become more competitive.

Dan: Yeah.  

Or they're just not touchy about it in the same  way. Freddy will say, "I'm the best digger in the  

world and I'm doing it the best, and I'm number  one." And Theo will be kind of like, "Okay."

Vanessa: "Okay." He  

knows you're not really, you're just  saying that because you're three.

Dan: See, I'll show you later.

Vanessa: Yeah,  

yeah. I think that's good. That's good. And having  a good foundation for their friendship. I mean,  

that's the goal. We want our kids  to be friends when they get older,  

and now too. All right, let's go to  our next question. This one pivots a  

little bit from just talking about multiple  children. This question is a little deeper.

Dan: Oh boy.

Vanessa: The challenge  

of raising or parenting children at  a time when technology ends up taking  

over a parent's role. Are tech devices dumbing  down our children and what do we currently do?

Dan: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.

Vanessa: What do we currently do  

and what do we plan to do as they get older?  So I think the essence of this question is-

Dan: Wow, that's a great question.

Vanessa: ... how are  

screens and tech, I think by tech they mean  screens, affecting children in general? And  

then how are we approaching that in our  family? Which, that's a big question.

Dan: Yeah. I think that's like-

Vanessa: That's something I feel very passionate  

about. So I think this was Alex's question.  Thank you, Alex, for this great question.

Dan: Yeah. I mean,  

I think screens have the potential to  absolutely ruin people, families, children.

Vanessa: Adults too.

Dan: Adults.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: But children are just,  

they don't know what they're getting into. So  adults at least have control over their lives.

Dan: Starting them young is not probably the best idea.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: And I don't think  

people appreciate the addictive qualities of these  

things. People design these to hook you  in so you'll use them for hours and hours.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: Yeah,  

for us, I mean, our kids, they do watch stuff  on TV, but it's just for a little bit of time.

Vanessa: Yeah, it was-

Dan: And then they just have to go outside or play.

Vanessa: Yeah, so usually-

Dan: And then they  

don't have iPods. No computers,  no phones, nothing like that.

Vanessa: iPods?

Dan: iPads, iPads.

Vanessa: iPods back in the '2000s.

Dan: This is the future.

Vanessa: Hey, we used to have iPods back in the day.

Dan: I've got iPods.

Vanessa: Yeah, I think that two  

decisions that we decided to make as a family  about tech so far. So our kid, our oldest is-

Dan: And they're young, so it's a little easier.

Vanessa: Yeah. Our oldest is  

only six. I mean, some people would say it's  harder because it acts as a free babysitter.

Dan: They don't have  

the friends yet being like, "Get this  thing. Come play this video game."

Vanessa: Yeah, but what I mean  

is people will give their kid a tablet and  it makes the parent have an easier time.

Dan: Oh, well,  

that's true. The TV is really nice whenever you  need a break, that is a very true statement.

Vanessa: So the two things  

that we decided to do as a family with  tech is one, we don't own any tablets,  

but to not give our children a phone or a  tablet, so something personal. And instead,  

when we watch something, we watch it on the TV. So  it's kind of a community experience. Even if I'm  

not watching it, if I'm making lunch and they're  watching it, it's not this type of thing. Instead,  

they're watching together and it's a little  bit more of a public experience. And I'm sure  

this will change over time as they get older. But that was kind of one of our goals because  

in our relationship, we lived for a long time  without a TV in our house. And when we moved  

to this house, we had to kind of decide how to  use it. And especially with children, that's  

tricky. So we decided no personal device, just  the TV. And the second one was have a set time,  

and also time of day when they watch something. So  this has worked well for us. Our kids are small,  

I'm sure if you have a 12-year-old  you're saying, "Oh, you have it so easy."

Dan: Well, this  

works a lot better if you start them young.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: It's much easier to say, "Hey, this is what  

we do," than, "Hey, you watched all this TV, let's  take it away." That's not going to work so well.

Vanessa: Yeah, it's harder to go back and change.

Dan: Or here's a tablet.  

Nevermind, you can't have a tablet.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: That's not going to  

work so well, or it's not  going to be fun for a while.

Vanessa: Yeah, so what we  

have done for our kids is there's a specific time  of day, usually it's before lunch or after lunch,  

around this time. Before maybe a couple months  ago, Freddy started to care, but Freddy didn't  

really care about watching something. He was  too young, two years old. He didn't really  

care. But Theo would choose one program, and  this was something that we thought was okay.  

So I think the quality of what they're watching is  important. And obviously that's very subjective,  

what you consider quality. But we had a couple of  shows that we thought were okay, and Theo could  

choose one show, like 30 minutes. He could choose  which one he wanted to watch. And when that show  

is finished, it's done. That's it. So he watched  something for 30 minutes. And now that Freddy is  

also a little bit older and he's wanting to  choose something himself, they each choose  

something. And so they watch for one hour most  days, I would say. In the summer, it's every day.

Dan: But not during the school year.

Vanessa: During the school year,  

they don't watch anything except on the weekends.  But I feel like this specific time of day and a  

specific length, it's not just five minute YouTube  videos and then it keeps going and keeps going,  

and then it's hard to stop that flow. I think as  adults it's hard to stop that when you're watching  

something, especially something short. There's  no definitive end. But for our kids, that has  

worked so well. There's times of course when we  turn it off and they're cranky or they're fussy,  

but overall, this has worked so well. And the  truth is, it is harder as parents because we  

don't use the TV as a babysitter for four hours  a day. They're not watching even two hours a day. 

I think at least the science as of now, 2023,  says that one hour of TV per day for children  

over the age of two is fine. There's not negative  consequences. Obviously, if they're watching, I  

don't know, a horror movie, it's not a good idea,  but something appropriate for children, that's the  

guidelines. And for me, that kind of relieved me  of some guilt because I was like, "My kids aren't  

going to watch TV, they're not going to watch  screens." Blah, blah, blah. And then I saw that,  

and I feel like I can trust that one hour, limited  time over the age of two. So under the age of two,  

no screens are good for kids. But this kind of  idea that this is okay can kind of relieve you  

if you're the kind of parent, I think especially  moms suffer from this, who would feel guilty about  

making a decision about letting your kid watch  TV or whatever it might be, something that-

Dan: I think most parents let their kids watch TV.

Vanessa: Yes, but I think a lot of people feel guilty  

about it. They probably do it, but they might  feel guilty. So I think this kind of relieved  

me of some guilt. Anyway, that's what we do.  What about the future? Because part of this is-

Dan: Well, yeah, the elephant in the room is phones.

Vanessa: What do we plan to  

do? Yeah. What do we plan to do as they get older?  And the plan might be different from the reality.

Dan: Well, yeah.

Vanessa: But do we have a plan?

Dan: I mean, we don't have a  

solid plan yet because we're not sure.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: I have seen these phones that are, they're  

kind of like safe phones for kids and they can  chat. But I guess even chatting can be dangerous.

Vanessa: Yeah. Like text their friends kind of thing?

Dan: And it's  

got a lot of parental controls on it. So  that would be one option. But I probably  

wouldn't even give them any phone until  they're in their, I don't know, mid-

Vanessa: Thirties?

Dan: I was going to say mid-teens.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: 

I don't know. I don't see any  reason why they would need one.

Vanessa: Yeah. I  

think the trickiness comes when their peers-

Dan: Their peers  

are going to be pressuring them for sure.

Vanessa: ... have phones.  

And then yeah, they come home and say,  "Mom, you're the worst mom ever. I don't  

have a phone. I hate you." Blah, blah, blah.  And that continues forever. That's tricky.

Dan: I don't think they'll necessarily say that.

Vanessa: Mark my words, it will be hard.

Dan: I was homeschooled  

and I never said that to my parents.

Vanessa: Well, did you have peers  

though? Were you at a school where you had lots of  peers? I think you were really removed from that.

Dan: Oh, well, later on, yeah.

Vanessa: And we were growing  

up in the '90s. That's very different.  My family didn't have a phone until-

Dan: I got pretty angsty about video games.

Vanessa: There's always something to get angsty about.

Dan: It's like, "Why can't you buy  

me a Nintendo 64, mom?"

Vanessa: Yeah. I  

think teenagers are going to be tricky no  matter what. That's just the way it goes.  

I say this as someone who has no teens at the  moment, but I feel like as parents, we have a  

responsibility to deliver our children safely  into adulthood. That's the goal of parenting.

Dan: Safely and not being a drain on society.

Vanessa: I think that's part of that.

Dan: Being a productive member.

Vanessa: Yeah. So part of technology is not just,  

oh, I don't want you looking at a screen,  but there are things about being addicted to  

technology or chatting with a stranger online that  are extremely dangerous. And yes, there will be,  

I'm sure, a lot of tension about why can't I use  these apps? Why can't I use this social media?

Dan: Video games.

Vanessa: Why can't I play  

video games all day? My friends do this. I'm  sure there will be a lot of tension with our  

kids about that. That's inevitable. But I do  think that it's a tricky decision to figure  

out what's the line. But my goal is to make sure  that our kids are safe, not just physically safe,  

but mentally and emotionally safe. And there  is more and more evidence showing that the  

more screen time you have, the more apps you  use that let you chat with strangers. This  

is so dangerous and it's everywhere. So I really  want to be aware constantly of what our kids are  

exposed to and kind of train them to realize that  yes, it's hard. Yes, you're not going to like me  

about this. Yes, you're going to be different  probably from your peers due to not always-

Dan: To some degree.

Vanessa: ... looking at a phone  

and playing video games all day, but that's still  for the best. So it's going to be hard, I'm sure.

Dan: I've found  

so far too, having some parents and  kids with like minds really helps.

Vanessa: Like-minded parents. Yeah.

Dan: Yeah, like-minded  

parents and kids. Because I don't know if it's  going to continue and I think it gets harder,  

but as of now, a lot of parents of younger kids  are like, "We don't want them to use this stuff  

all the time. We've seen what it's done to  me or my family, or my brother still plays  

Pokemon until the wee hours of the morning.  That's kind of weird." So stuff like that.

Vanessa: 

If your kids have friends that are  doing the same things it's easier.

Dan: The hope is that  

they have friends who are  kind of doing similar things-

Vanessa: Hopefully.

Dan: ... and then they won't feel so left out.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: Hopefully  

other parents have enough  fortitude to say, you know-

Vanessa: Yeah, and personally I don't-

Dan: They're going to put some boundaries on it.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: Although I think there is some gray area,  

you can test the waters with some things and make  it very clear upfront and see how they handle it.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: But I think  

the internet in general is so unbound, the way  that you can just, two clicks away, pornography.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: Stuff like  

that is just rampant all over the place.

Vanessa: Really dangerous for children.

Dan: And so I think  

that's a really difficult area to say, "Here,  you can just, yeah, go ahead kid." Yeah, no way.

Vanessa: Yeah, that's kind of the  

idea of keeping our children's minds and bodies  safe. And the internet is quite unknown, but I do  

have hope that as especially our generation grows  up as parents, there's more information and more  

studies, and I think there is kind of a movement  away from unlimited technology for children.

Dan: Or just people in general.

Vanessa: Yeah, for people in general to say, "Yeah,  

I don't really want to look at Facebook all day.  Yeah, I don't really want to watch YouTube all  

day, except for Vanessa's videos." No, don't watch  my videos all day, please. But this kind of idea  

that we're becoming more aware of the addictive  quality. So I have hope that in the future there  

will be more people who want to just be careful  about their kids' consumption of technology and  

screens and whatnot. It's not all bad, but you  definitely have to be very careful. All right.

Dan: That bad is always hiding around the corner.

Vanessa: Yes, lurking. All right,  

let's go to our final question. We do have  a bonus question, let's see if we have time  

to get to it. But the fourth question is, how do  you and Dan usually manage the housework and the  

childcare? How do you decide which of you will  take care of what? And the little extra part of  

this question is, the student asks, "I'd like to  know some common expressions to ask someone like,  

can you wash the dishes? I'll do the dishes  for you. These types of expressions." So,  

little teaser. When I talk about the  vocabulary from today's lesson in a few weeks,  

I'll give you some expressions to talk about  chores, about how to delegate chores. Like, oh,  

I'll do the dishes for you tonight, I know you're  really tired. Those types of expressions. So,  

coming soon to a YouTube video near you. Yeah,  how do we decide who will take care of what?

Dan: Well,  

first of all, I have to preface that I think  we are pretty mid-tier in the chore category.

Vanessa: Oh, what's that mean?

Dan: We're not the most cleanly people on earth.

Vanessa: Oh. Yeah, we're not-

Dan: We're maybe little more than average.

Vanessa: ... fastidious, is that the word?

Dan: Yeah. For example,  

we have cleanup time with the kids at night where  we just pick up stuff and try to put it away.

Vanessa: I think that's pretty normal.

Dan: Yes.

Vanessa: Tidy a  

little bit throughout the day and at  the end of the day do it together.

Dan: But what I was going to  

say is it doesn't happen every day.

Vanessa: Oh, yeah.

Dan: Some days we don't do that.

Vanessa: Yeah, I think that's fine.

Dan: And then it just ends  

up probably you walking by grabbing stuff again.

Vanessa: Yeah. That's one  

of the chores, tidying up. But other chores  are continual, like laundry and dishes and-

Dan: Yeah, the big ones.

Vanessa: Oh, our car needs  

to be maintenance or the kids' tuition, school  needs to be paid or whatever it is. These types  

of things that just keep your life running.  How do we decide who will take care of what?

Dan: Well, when you  

were pregnant, I basically said, "I  am going to do every single chore."

Vanessa: I had a big chore of growing a baby.

Dan: And so I did the dishes  

and the laundry. Those are the big ones to me.

Vanessa: And tidying up and putting the kids to bed.

Dan: Tidying up.

Vanessa: That's a big chore.

Dan: Well, I tidied it up  

everything on the floor because  you can't get stuff on the floor.

Vanessa: I know.  

My belly was so big, I couldn't pick up anything.

Dan: But for a while  

I think you were still doing  cleaning off the tables and stuff.

Vanessa: Yeah, minor things.

Dan: Lawn  

work. I used to do the lawn work. In America  that's a big thing, you got to mow your lawn.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: But now we pay somebody to do that because-

Vanessa: It's a big task.

Dan: I had that  

good old red-blooded American in  me that said, "No, I've got to  

mow my own lawn." And you were like, "I'd  rather you just spend some time with us."

Vanessa: Yeah, especially because we  

have a pretty big yard. So that task, especially  for this time in our life when we have small kids,  

it's better to delegate that to someone else.  I feel like a big thing that worked for us was-

Dan: For, excuse me, delegating.

Vanessa: For delegating, yeah. It was  

just really treating it like a business, which  I think the home is kind of like a business.

Dan: That's how you saw it.

Vanessa: We had a meeting, I remember we went-

Dan: Okay, we did have a meeting. That's true.

Vanessa: We went out on a date,  

so tried to have a little fun. We went  out on a date, went to a restaurant.

Dan: Couple of drinks.

Vanessa: Couple of drinks, nice food.  

We brought a notebook and we wrote down every  chore. Little things, like fixing the car or-

Dan: That's not a little thing.

Vanessa: Well,  

like maintenance on the car or checking the  bank account, looking at our health insurance,  

these little things that come up. Scheduling  doctor's appointments for the kids or ourselves  

or whatever. These types of things that kind of  add up. We wrote every single one down. And based  

on other things. So am I pregnant, am I not?  That's also a big responsibility. How much am  

I working? How much is Dan working? And not just  hours, but that mental load of you're working on  

a big project or whatnot, those types of things.  Who did what chores? So we just wrote down-

Dan: Putting the kids to bed.

Vanessa: Putting the kids to bed, that's a big chore.

Dan: That's a big chore, man.

Vanessa: We just put D or V based on who did what, so this  

kind of strict delegation. But there was a little  asterisk, I think, we put on this that said... And  

I think this is an important part of a healthy  relationship, if I can say this, is that when  

one of us was not capable of doing one of those  chores, for example, the dishes. If the kids were  

having such a hard time going to bed and you were  really overwhelmed by that, I would do the dishes. 

So there's a little asterisk of we help each  other out. We're not going to say, "Nope,  

it's not my chore. I will never do it." But  we were willing to help each other out. But  

in general, you wrote down Dan does this, you  do it. It's your chore. And yeah, kind of just  

figuring out what works well, because we both  work, we both take care of the kids. If one of  

us did not work, totally different situation  then because that person's job is the home.

Dan: Is the household.

Vanessa: It is the children. And you take that seriously.

Dan: It's  

kind of harder than a regular job  really, if you do it all by yourself.

Vanessa: I think every stay at-

Dan: It gets crazy.

Vanessa: Every stay at  

home parent would absolutely say that.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: That going to work is a break.

Dan: It depends on your job, but still.

Vanessa: Generally,  

for me, taking care of the children is harder.

Dan: By yourself, especially.

Vanessa: Especially by  

yourself is the most difficult. And then  going to work is like a break. It's like,  

oh, it's quiet. I can focus, I accomplish a  task from the beginning to the end without  

being interrupted. That feeling  is much different. It's much-

Dan: You can go to  

the bathroom without a child barging in on you.

Vanessa: Wow. So yeah, I think that's  

generally how we handle it. And we change it over  time because we have two kids and Dan worked from  

home with me. Actually, that's our bonus question.  Dan worked at this business, Speak English with  

Vanessa, for several years. So that was a very  different situation. We had similar type of jobs,  

somewhat. We were both home, so yeah, we had to  kind of organize and delegate our chores in a  

different way. So basically whatever works for  you. But I highly recommend having a meeting,  

writing down all the things that need to be done,  and then determining who does what. But working  

on it together because it can be a big point  of contention, I think, for a lot of couples.

Dan: Yeah. And I do think it's a lot more cut and  

dry for a lot of people. Especially if one person  does the work and makes the money for the house.  

It seems a lot easier to be like, the other person  takes care of almost everything at the house.

Vanessa: Yeah, I think that-

Dan: That just kind of makes sense.

Vanessa: It's also  

important to determine what happens  when that person comes home.

Dan: Yeah, that's true.

Vanessa: Because the person-

Dan: That can get contentious.

Vanessa: Yeah. I think that's why it's important to talk  

about it and write down the stuff. What do you do  on the weekends? Because everyone needs a break.

Dan: Just know the expectations. You don't want  

to assume. You don't want to be the guy who just  kicks his feet up and puts them up on the chair.

Vanessa: Oh, yeah.

Dan: While the wife is making the dinner.

Vanessa: Yeah. And I think making sure that everyone-

Dan: Sometimes that's fun.

Vanessa: 

Not fun for the person making... Actually, you  know what? In our house making dinner is a break.

Dan: We like making dinner.

Vanessa: I like making  

dinner because if I've been with the  kids all day, making dinner is like,  

I can focus on this task. And sometimes we make  dinner with the kids. But in general, I think  

that you just decide what's best for your family,  but it's best to decide together and kind of work  

through that before somebody explodes, generally  that's a good idea. All right. Thank you for those  

wonderful questions. We have a bonus question.  Would you like to answer a bonus question?

Dan: I thought we already did the bonus question.

Vanessa: We did not do the bonus question.

Dan: Oh, okay.

Vanessa: But I hinted at the bonus question.

Dan: Okay.

Vanessa: The bonus question is,  

how is Dan feeling going back to work after  helping you to teach us English for a long time?

Dan: Wow. I didn't know they knew about that.

Vanessa: Yes. Yeah, well,  

some of my students in my course, The Fearless  Fluency Club, they have been a part of our lives  

for a long time. They're privy to all that  information. So just as a little background,  

Dan taught and worked with me at Speak  English with Vanessa, making videos.

Dan: Behind the scenes.

Vanessa: Behind the scenes, helping with-

Dan: Writing stories.

Vanessa: ... courses,  

all of that. And then, yeah, tell us what  happened. September last year, what did you do?

Dan: Yeah, so  

now I teach at my son's school. I was  an assistant teacher last year and  

this year I'm going to be a co-science  teacher. It's an alternative school,  

so it's not like a regular classroom setting.  It's a little bit more integrating outdoors,  

so the kids are actually outside for half the day.  And so that's a big goal or mission of the school.  

So that's what I've been doing and I like it a  lot. I like being able to go out and do my own  

thing. It's not so much working with you, but  working with a partner all day long and living  

with them and then having kids and everybody's  in the house. I think that got a little bit old.

Vanessa: Yeah. I  

think it's healthy for us to be part of  the community, because especially when-

Dan: Especially when technically you were my boss.

Vanessa: Yeah. I think deciding what works-

Dan: That can't last that long.

Vanessa: ... best for your relationship. But  

I think even for our family, you working outside  the home, you working at Theo's school especially.

Dan: That's been good.

Vanessa: That's been  

great. You've been able to... At least  I feel good that Theo is with you during  

the day. You're not his teacher at school,  but you're at the school kind of with him.

Dan: Not yet.

Vanessa: Someday maybe  

you'll be his teacher. But kind of connecting  us to the community more. You have coworkers. If  

anybody has either worked from home or moved  to a new country and then worked remotely,  

or just this kind of isolation that's prevalent  when you work from home. It's really nice to  

be connected to the community in some way.  And work is a kind of easy way to do that.

Dan: Yeah. And I think also,  

being perfectly honest, there are some patterns  that people just can develop as work partners  

or even just home life. And we had kind  of developed something that was not good.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: That wasn't fun for us.

Vanessa: It wasn't working long term.

Dan: It wasn't as healthy as it could be.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: And so we were like,  

we need to change something for sure.

Vanessa: And I think  

that was good of us to be able to  decide something needs to change.

Dan: We weren't at each other's throats or anything.

Vanessa: No.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: Yeah, I think  

that that's important to realize in  our relationship. So Dan works at a  

school now. And the question was, how  do you feel? You said it's going well.

Dan: Yeah, it feels great. Yeah,  

I like it. I think this works really  well. I get to go out and forge my own  

path in some ways. I don't feel like I'm kind  of tinkering around the edges of this business,  

which is a great business. And it's like,  yeah, it's amazing and you guys are awesome.  

Vanessa's amazing. Amazing, amazing. But  yeah, it's just going off and doing my  

own thing for at least part of the day, I  think, has done a lot for me personally.

Vanessa: Yeah, I think it's done a lot for our family too.

Dan: And for our family. Yeah.

Vanessa: Because I think when somebody in your house  

isn't feeling well, I wouldn't say you weren't  feeling well, but you weren't at your best.

Dan: At times I wasn't so happy.

Vanessa: Yeah, that  

really affects the whole family unit.  So I'm glad that you are feeling better.

Dan: Yeah. And  

we just saw each other and neighbors  mostly. So that was kind of like...

Vanessa: Yeah. It's nice to have other people in our lives.

Dan: We had friends, but it just  

felt different. Even though all of you are our  friends, but we don't get to see you every day.

Vanessa: You know what we mean. 

Well, thanks for joining me on that parenting  conversation journey. Now it's time to move on  

to a new page, education. Many of you asked us  some great questions about education in the US,  

our education experiences, and we  talk about it for the next bit.  

So I hope that you will immerse  yourself, learn something new,  

and have a great time. Let's go. All right, Dan, are you ready to  

get started with the first question  that our students have asked us?

Dan: I'm ready to get educated.

Vanessa: All right, let's do it. These education questions  

were asked by my student Carmen from Italy and  Mai in Australia. Are you ready for the first one?

Dan: I'm ready.

Vanessa: All right. The first question is,  

what age does school start in the US? That's where  we're from, the US. And what does the education  

system look like? So let's start with the first  question. What age does school start in the US?

Dan: Yeah. So  

a lot of kids go to some kind of school  around four years old. So this would be  

preschool. And in a lot of cases,  this is not provided by the state.

Vanessa: Yeah,  

this is something that parents  have to pay for out of pocket.

Dan: And I would say this is kind of  

like daycare except maybe a little more education  peppered in, because they're really little kids.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: And then  

official school is kindergarten, which  starts around five or six years old.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: And this is where  

real school begins. We're sitting  and trying to learn our letters  

and alphabet and reading and here's  numbers, and all that kind of thing.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: And then elementary school would be first  

through fifth grade. Yeah, first through fifth  grade, which is probably what, 7 to 11 or 12?

Vanessa: Yeah, yeah.

Dan: Something like that.

Vanessa: 10, 11 years old.

Dan: Yep. And then it moves  

on to middle school, which is everybody's  favorite time of existence, 12 to 14 ish.

Vanessa: This is a great example of sarcasm.

Dan: Oh,  

yes. This is sarcasm. Yeah, middle school,  not known for being the most fun time.

Vanessa: No.

Dan: And it's funny because  

a lot of kids are moving at this time. They could  be going to a different school, different classes.

Vanessa: Yeah.

Dan: And then you're  

going through this awkward time in  your life and here's some other new  

people for you. It'll be fun. So  yeah, that's an interesting time.

Vanessa: Usually middle  

school has the stereotype of being  pretty rough, pretty tricky. And then  

after middle school is high school. And  by that point you're what, 14 years old?

Dan: You're a real man.

Vanessa: 14 through 18 years old,  

so you're not right at the beginning,  at the cusp of puberty. Instead,  

you're a little further in and  maybe a little more mature, maybe.

Dan: Ninth grade is still kind of awkward.

Vanessa: Ninth grade is still pretty rough.

Dan: When you're in  

ninth grade and you're 14 or 15 and then you see  a 17 or 18 year old, a lot of the, especially-

Dan: And then you see a 17  

or 18 year old, a lot of the...  especially if you're a guy like me,  

puberty can hit all of a sudden and then  you'll be a man versus like I was a boy.

Vanessa: A little boy when you're in ninth grade.

Dan: Hi guys.

Vanessa: Yeah. So this is the typical progression of  

school and there's a couple different options  in the US. You could go to public school,  

which is free. It's paid for by your taxes. So  if you pay taxes, it's technically not free.

Dan: Free, not free.

Vanessa: Yes, free, not free. It's paid  

for by the state. You could go to public school,  you could go to a public charter school. So this  

is kind of a nuance where you don't have to pay  extra to go to a charter school, but it's somehow-

Dan: It's run privately.

Vanessa: It's run privately,  

it's smaller. Usually the programs have a  little bit higher quality. And to get into  

a charter school, you often need to do a  lottery. And this isn't like the lottery  

where you try to win a million dollars. This  is where you just sign up and they pull a  

kid's name out of a hat. Totally random. And  if you get it, you get it. And if you don't,  

you don't. So it's not based on your income,  it's not based on where you live, because most  

public schools are based on where you live. You  have to go to the school in your neighborhood.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: But a charter school,  

especially if you live in an area that's really  poor, well your school is probably not going  

to be very high quality. And there's a lot of  controversy about that because kind of a cycle.

Dan: Yeah, it's definitely a cycle.

Vanessa: You don't have as  

many resources to get out of poverty and all of  that. So we've got public school, charter school,  

private school. I have a little statistic here  I looked up in advance. Fancy. Private schools,  

9% of students go to a private school and parents  have to pay extra for a private school. It could  

be a religious private school, it could be  a secular private school. Our child, Theo-

Dan: He's  

probably in the 1% because  he goes to a "nature" school.

Vanessa: It's not religious based.

Dan: He's in the 0.5%.

Vanessa: It's a very unusual private school. But  

there's also other types of private schools like  in nature school where half of the day they spend  

time outside in the woods or the teachers try to  incorporate the outside nature into the lessons.

Dan: A lot of times these schools will call themselves  

"alternative education". So that just means,  "We're trying to do something different here".

Vanessa: And there's  

varying degrees of quality. Just because you're  paying for it doesn't mean that it's going to  

be vastly better quality than the free public  school. So if you come to the US and you think,  

"I want my kid to have the best education,  I think I can afford to pay for private  

school," make sure you check it out first  and make sure that it's actually the quality  

that you want. There are a lot of scholarships  actually. So the school that our son goes to,  

a lot of people have an 80% scholarship to go to  the school, which makes it very affordable. The  

state has scholarships, the school provides  some scholarships. There's some grants given  

to the school to provide scholarships. So  they're trying to make it more accessible.

Dan: Yeah. Most schools, especially private schools and  

anything education related, you're going to find  a lot of organizations that will try to help kids  

get into whatever they really, really want. And  the government helps with that as well in America.

Vanessa: I think a lot of it comes down to the parents  

having the ability to sign up, follow through with  the applications, sign up for the scholarships.

Dan: That doesn't mean it's easy.

Vanessa: It doesn't mean it's easy, but it is an  

option. There's a fourth option, which is what Dan  experienced when he was a child, homeschooling.

Dan: And look at me.

Vanessa: So interestingly enough,  

what percent of Americans do you think homeschool?  This means that generally... don't peak, your mom-

Dan: This is what I learned in homeschooling.

Vanessa: Your mom or your dad is your teacher,  

usually your mom. And there's local organizations  that you can join weekly like a co-op, they call  

it a homeschooling co-op. What percent of American  children are homeschooling as of 2021 or 2022?

Dan: Well, I would've guessed  

it was very low. See, I think I looked  at your phone earlier and saw it.

Vanessa: You did?

Dan: Well, you showed it to me,  

but I would've guessed like 2% before  seeing that, but I think it's higher.

Vanessa: Yes, the answer is 7%.

Dan: Which is pretty high actually.

Vanessa: It's almost the  

same amount as go to private school.

Dan: Yeah, that's crazy.

Vanessa: Yeah, so 7%. And the interesting thing is-

Dan: I guess it probably bumped up after COVID too.

Vanessa: Yes, that's the big thing. So before COVID,  

it was I think four or 5%, and now it's 7% and  it's growing 10% every year. So it's hard to  

talk about those stats. But it's growing every  year because of all the changes in education.

Dan: Yeah. And public  

school has gotten kind of a bad reputation  as well. I mean there's varying qualities,  

but a lot of people where they live, their school  is not very good. And it is not just teachers,  

it's also the peers you're with. And it's  kind of... I don't know. I mean obviously  

I teach at an alternative school, so I am not  a big fan of the traditional model and I don't  

like all the bureaucracy. And not to say that  there's not a lot of good-hearted people in the  

system. I just think that the system is, well,  it might sound a little cliche, but it's broken.

Vanessa: Yeah. So those are  

the general options in the US and I think the cool  thing is that if you choose an alternative option,  

private school, charter school, homeschooling,  it's not seen as very weird. It's unusual. It's  

not the majority, but you're not like  an outcast. You're not so weird like,  

"Oh my goodness, you homeschool?" It's not  like that. Generally it's just, "Oh, okay,  

someone does something different." I think  that's kind of like in the American culture.

Dan: That is very much an American culture thing.

Vanessa: You try to accept people who do different things.

Dan: Mm-hmm. And because  

we lived in South Korea for a while, we felt  that difference so big. We never met anybody  

who homeschooled there. We met one family  and we're like, "Whoa, this is amazing."

Vanessa: Yeah. Everyone uses  

the same education system and deviating from  that norm is really unusual in that culture.

Dan: Yeah. Or even looked  

down on. But in America, if you do something  different like that people, they may sometimes  

go and whisper about it or say, "I don't really  agree with that," but they'll never tell you to  

your face that they have a problem with a decision  you might make, especially a personal decision.

Vanessa: And Dan was homeschooled until how old?

Dan: Yes, until 13.

Vanessa: 13?

Dan: I think. Yes. Until middle school.

Vanessa: And Dan's pretty cool.

Dan: Yes,  

and I feel like homeschooling today is  way better than it was when I was a kid.

Vanessa: Way more resources.

Dan: I think that  

what I experienced, I don't want for my kids, but  today I can kind of feasibly see how you can build  

up certain social exposures, have certain  groups. There's a ton of resources online.

Vanessa: Yeah. And  

your mom certainly did the best that she could do.

Dan: Oh yeah, my mom did a good job. I think it  

was just for me personally, I don't think it fit  what I probably needed as a child looking back.

Vanessa: You needed more  

pressure to have deadlines and stuff.

Dan: I needed another authority other than  

my mom and I needed a bigger social circle and a  little more structured education I think would've  

been good for me. Not that my mom wasn't somewhat  structured, but it is a different kind of thing.

Vanessa: Yeah. Homeschooling  

in the nineties compared to homeschooling  now 30 years later. That's crazy. All right,  

let's go on to question number  two. Do most American students  

go to universities after their graduation? Is  it considered important? Let's talk about our  

general feel first and then I've got some  stats about how many people actually go.

Dan: Yeah, good because I haven't looked  

at the stats. This time I didn't make it that far.

Vanessa: Let's hear what's inside your heart Dan.

Dan: So I think yes,  

people generally go to, we would  say college, but I think a lot of  

the world would say university. I don't  know the percentage, but I would say-

Vanessa: What's your guess? What's your guess is a good-

Dan: 80? No. 75%.

Vanessa: Wow, really?

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: Okay.

Dan: What is it?

Vanessa: Okay.

Dan: No, 92% versus 61%.

Vanessa: I think this is showing your bias because-

Dan: 50%. I don't know which way the bias is.

Vanessa: Let's say that. So for us, we have a  

four year degree, and that's what you call it when  you go to college for four years, you could have a  

two year degree, it's called an associate's  degree or a four year degree. And we have  

four year degrees. And I think there's been some  studies that show if you have a four year degree,  

most of the people in your social circle also have  the same or close to the same level of education.

Dan: Everybody I know is educated.

Vanessa: So that's why you think it's so high.

Dan: Dang it. I should have thought about that.

Vanessa: Okay, so let's compare 1990 to 2021. In 1990,  

the people who graduated high school were 77%.  So 77% of students graduated from high school  

and 20% of people graduated from college. Okay.  2021, 91% of people graduated from high school,  

so much higher percentage rate. And  38% of people graduate from college.

Dan: I'm way off.

Vanessa: Yeah. So it is higher.

Dan: It has bumped up a lot though.

Vanessa: And all of the charts  

that I saw were all going up. So finishing high  school and college are definitely on the rise.  

Not 70% or whatever you said, but if it probably  is 70% of the people we know, which I think is  

quite interesting, and that's kind of part of the  cycle of education I think that if you don't know  

anyone who's been to college, it probably won't  be a priority for you. And it will be harder for  

you to go because you won't have people who know  how that process works and all of that. But if you  

been to college like us, it will be easier for our  kids to do that process because we've been there.

Dan: Yes. I'm glad  

I could be instructive of a fallacy,  but my personal experience, but...

Vanessa: Well, thanks  

for being willing to be the fallacy  in front of millions of people online.

Dan: Yes. You're welcome everybody.

Vanessa: But this is also  

a part two of the question.  Is it considered important?

Dan: Oh,  

well, again, this probably goes to your  social circle because in my social circle  

it was super important, and I think  this is probably family by family.

Vanessa: I would say  

it's almost expected if your  parents are college graduates.

Dan: Definitely.

Vanessa: It's almost expected  

of course you'll go to college.

Dan: However,  

I think I have heard from certain... like  our neighbor, I think she said she was the  

first to go to college and it was looked upon as  great, but it wasn't expected. But as a society,  

it is definitely encouraged. Like there's ads  playing on the TV and YouTube and every teacher  

will tell you going to college... and I'm just  going to say university because more people say  

that probably, going to university is going to  be a great benefit to your life and all this  

kind of stuff. So I think that is definitely  pushed in society. That probably is another  

reason why I think that a lot of people go, but  I'm also forgetting about how expensive it is.

Vanessa: Yeah. The other thing is that it's-

Dan: For a lot of schools.

Vanessa: It's really expensive. I would say  

anywhere between 30,000 and $200,000 for a four  year degree, depending on if you go to a community  

college or if you go to a state school or if you  go to a private school, it can range anywhere in  

there. And that's a big burden for a young person  starting off in their career to have to pay.

Dan: The state schools aren't cheap or free?

Vanessa: They're not cheap, and they're not free.

Dan: Okay.

Vanessa: They're cheaper  

than private schools. It's a  very complicated system. But-

Dan: I think I'm  

a little ignorant in this realm because I  haven't thought about college in a while.  

But we went to a small private school and  that's known for being pretty expensive.

Vanessa: For me, I had to get  

a lot of scholarships to go to that school, so I  applied for tons of scholarships. The school also  

had scholarships, and it was pretty much required  if I was going to go to that school, I had to have  

a lot of money already paid for, otherwise it was  just too expensive. But I think it's interesting  

because of our experience, we felt, I can speak  for you too, we felt pretty burdened. Even though  

we had scholarships, we felt pretty burdened  post-college to pay back our student loans. 

When you start off your life, your adult life  in debt, that's so hard. And my parents tried  

so hard, they paid a lot of money. I had a  lot of scholarships and I still had college  

debt that I had to pay back. So even though I  think I was probably starting off in the best  

possible position, it still felt like a burden.  So I think for us, at least for our children,  

I have no idea what the education scene will  look like in another 15 years, but I think that  

we might have a different perspective on college  because we've been there, we know what it's like.  

We know if it helped us or not in our life and how  expensive it is and if it's worth it. Are there  

other alternatives? Yeah. And in our changing  world, those might be better. I don't know.

Dan: 

I think it's a cliche among people our age that  college is not worth it and that it's just way  

too expensive for what you get out of it and it  doesn't really prepare you and all this stuff.

Vanessa: Mm-hmm. I think if you graduated  

2005 to 2010, around that maybe even 2015 in  that range, you probably feel like us that your  

degree does not mean you will get a good paying  job. It's not a given that that will happen.

Dan: Yeah,  

I think initially when we went to college,  there was a transitional phase where everything,  

it was getting a lot more expensive, and that  cost benefit analysis was maybe making less sense,  

but a lot of our families were still saying the  same message that you just have to go even if  

you're not even sure what you want to do which  was in my case, which I think didn't help me.

Vanessa: Well, my job didn't even exist when I went  

to college. This job, teaching English online was  not even an option. So I don't know. It is tricky.

Dan: Yeah. And  

I don't know exactly what the future...  I don't know what the future holds, but-

Vanessa: Well, you don't.

Dan: I feel like the world  

changes really, really fast in that I will  certainly not tell my children they have  

to go to college and that this will make all the  difference. I'll be like, "Well, what exactly do  

you want to do? Let's get in that program. Let's  look at the cost benefit analysis of how much it  

costs and really dig in there." Unfortunately,  I don't feel like my parents did that, but-

Vanessa: I think their generation really was the  

last generation who said, "I'll get a university  degree and that will give me a good job," and it  

worked. So their expectation was what happened  to them, but that's not how it is now. Anyway,  

who knows what will happen in the next 10 to  15 years for our kids, but I certainly won't  

pressure them and I won't feel disappointed  if they decide not to go to college as long as  

they are independent adults trying to do something  different. And I'm going to transition to the last  

question and skip one question actually, because  I think you're about to say something about it.

Dan: Oh, am I?

Vanessa: I'm going to guess. Because  

it has to do with what happens if you don't get  a college degree? Is it hard to find a job if you  

don't have a university degree? I did a little bit  of research about this, but what's your gut say?

Dan: If you  

don't get a university degree,  is it harder to get a job?

Vanessa: Yeah. Yeah. Like  

if you didn't have a degree right now,  would your prospects be more difficult?

Dan: It probably is. I don't  

think it has to be, but I do think that... I don't  know if I've actually read a study about this,  

but I think I heard in a podcast that is something  that employers will look at and they'll be like,  

"All right, check off four year degree."  They'll just kind of assume that that  

means a lot. So I do think it does mean  something unfortunately. I don't think  

it has to be. I think that you can probably  really get well-educated without it nowadays,  

and I think that might even be preferable when  you consider how much it costs. So other than  

there's a lot of social experiences, however, a  lot of the social experiences are getting really  

drunk and misbehaving and stuff that doesn't  really have anything to do with keeping a job.

Vanessa: The stereotype  

of American college is that  you just go there, get drunk,  

sleep with a lot of people, and then  maybe you stumble into class once a week.

Dan: Yeah. It doesn't really make any sense at all.

Vanessa: And then you pay lots of  

money for that. That wasn't my college  experience, but that is certainly-

Dan: Oh, it was there.

Vanessa: Certainly what happens to a lot of people.

Dan: 

Yeah. But I'm still saying that it does  unfortunately probably still matter.

Vanessa: Yeah, I would say that that's  

probably the case for specific careers. So what I  saw was of course, if you're going to be a doctor,  

if you're going to be an engineer, if you're going  to be in the medical field, those very specific  

technical type of jobs that require education,  that education is probably necessary. But for  

other careers, what I read online said is a  college degree necessary, yes and no. The yes was  

if you want to be in those specific career fields,  yeah, if you're going to be a nurse, go get a  

degree in nursing and you'll be fine. I think it's  actually even a two year degree. That's amazing.

Dan: That sounds  

preferable to me. Some kind of two year  program, I feel like you can learn maybe  

not anything but a lot of things in two  years. It doesn't have to be four years.

Vanessa: But it said if you want a  

job that usually says we require a degree or they  highly recommend a degree in their application,  

maybe like a software engineer or something  like this, if you are an assertive person who  

has done a lot of alternative experiences, now  this takes a specific personality type I think.

Dan: Got to have something for that resume.

Vanessa: Yes, you have a good resume,  

you've interned, you have maybe taken some  extracurricular classes at the local college  

or maybe even some online courses about that  specific field. It doesn't have to be a degree.

Dan: There's a lot of alternatives out there.

Vanessa: That you can by your assertiveness,  

which is really what people are looking for often,  people who will see a problem and fix the problem,  

the skills can really be taught, but that  personality and character quality can't  

be taught as much. So if you show that, then you  could get in. So for example, this isn't about a  

job. This is about getting into college. There  was a homeschooler who had been homeschooled  

their entire life and they wanted to get into a  huge university. I don't think it was Harvard,  

but it was a really high level university.  And what they did instead is they wrote out,  

of course, every charity they worked with,  every volunteer experience, all of this. But  

they also wrote a list. The second page of their  application was 100 books that I read last year. 

Holy cow, that's like two books a week.  They wrote out everything that they had  

read in order and all of this, and it showed their  assertiveness, "I'm going to be a good student,  

I'm going to be dedicated." And I think for a  lot of jobs, if you can be outstanding like that,  

then who cares if you have a degree ideally. A  little example too is someone who works for me,  

Laura. Hi Laura if you're watching, she  helps to write some of the sales content,  

like sales emails. She's called a copywriter.  When I interviewed her, I don't even know if  

she has a college degree, I don't even know her  official education, but her application process,  

her experience, and she had taken the initiative  to do some online copywriting classes and had been  

working on and off for some other businesses  doing their writing as well. So she had this  

kind of initiative, and that's really what I  was looking for, was someone who was organized,  

took the initiative, creative, and  was interested in the job. She had  

taken some classes of her own volition and  really done it, and that's why I hired her.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: And she's been  

amazing. Actually, a lot of my students  who join my courses, they say that their  

job didn't require them to take English  classes, but they write on their resume,  

completed a three-month English course  with Speak English With Vanessa.

Dan: Yeah.

Vanessa: And this is like the-

Dan: You're an institution.

Vanessa: It's not a four year degree, it's  

not an IL certificate, something official like  that, but it shows that you took the initiative.

Dan: I think she's pretty official.

Vanessa: And it showed that  

you're willing to go the extra mile to try to  do your best. So I think that's a good example  

of a way that extracurricular education  can enhance your career as well. Well,  

talking about internships, I'm curious  in your country, is it common to do an  

internship? I think in Germany it's maybe  required that you do a year internship after  

high school that it is part of the system. I'm  not sure if you're from Germany, let me know.

Dan: That sounds  

like a better system to me, but  I don't know if that's real.

Vanessa: That you get real world experience in  

the world doing something. But I feel like for me,  that would've been pretty helpful just to get out  

of the education system. I felt very overwhelmed  going from high school to four years of college,  

and then I had had part-time jobs working  in restaurants and these types of things,  

but nothing like a career. And  by my third year of college,  

I just felt like I just want to go out into the  real world and try to get a job. I don't want to-

Dan: Do something.

Vanessa: Yeah, I want to do something. And  

it's not common in the US to take a gap year. This  is a common thing I think in Europe and Australia,  

that after high school, students will take  a gap year and go out and do something.

Dan: Good job Europe.

Vanessa: Go be a nanny, go volunteer on a farm.

Dan: Yeah, I think when we were-

Vanessa: Go travel in Southeast Asia, do something.

Dan: When we were in France that one year, we did meet  

some younger people who seemed to either be taking  a gap year or doing some kind of intern thing. I  

don't know. I like that a lot. In the US, it's  kind of strange that you graduate high school and  

you have this big ceremony and congratulations,  you get to move on to more school.

Vanessa: Yeah,  

I pretty much guarantee that if you were in the US  and you graduated from high school and you said,  

"I'm going to take a gap year and then I'll decide  what I want to do," every single person will say,  

"If you don't go to college now, you're never  going to do it. This is your chance to do it  

now because you'll forget about it or you won't  have the motivation to do it, or you'll forget  

about education and forget about math," these  types of things. But in reality, if you're not  

meant to go to college and you wait a year and  you decide not to go to college, well maybe that  

was a better path for you. I don't know. I feel  a little biased because I saw people doing that,  

Europeans who were doing that gap year and I felt  really jealous like, "Oh, I would've loved to do  

that," but it's just not in American culture. Maybe it might start becoming part of it as  

we learn more about Europe. We're 10  years behind Europe in those things,  

but right now it's not part of American culture.  You just do school, possibly more school and then-

Dan: Or stop school.

Vanessa: Pay back your school with your job. So that's  

it. All right. Well, thanks so much for joining  me on that education journey. I hope that you  

enjoyed immersing yourself over the last two hours  with these English conversations. And now I have a  

question for you in the comments, let me know what  topic would you like us to have a conversation  

about next. You can ask us a topic and you  can also ask us some questions that you would  

like us to cover in our conversation and maybe  you'll be lucky and we'll make a video about it. 

Well, don't forget to download the free PDF  worksheet, which includes so much information. It  

includes every vocabulary, expression, definition,  sample sentence, and you can take the quiz at the  

bottom of the worksheet so that you never forget  the vocabulary that you've learned. You can click  

on the link in the description to download  that free PDF worksheet today. It's a big one,  

but it's all for you, my gift to you. Well, thank  you so much for learning English with me and I'll  

see you again next Friday for a new lesson here  on my YouTube channel. Bye. But wait, do you  

want more? I recommend watching this video next  where you'll join me and my son, Theo, as we play  

a great card game called Uno. You can play this  with your family and the kids in your life or the  

adults in your life, and you'll learn how to do  that in English in this video. I'll see you there.