Advanced English Conversation: Vocabulary, Grammar, Pronunciation

Vanessa: Hi, I'm Vanessa from SpeakEnglishWithVanessa.com,  

and today I'm here with my husband Dan. Dan: 

Hello. Vanessa: 

And are you ready to be immersed in a real  English conversation? Today we're going to  

be talking about the topic of parenting. You asked  us some great questions related to being parents,  

and we're here to answer them. The only twist  is that Dan does not know what they are yet. 

Dan: I don't know the questions,  

but we are parenting experts now. Vanessa: 

I don't know about that. So we are  going to be just answering them on  

the fly and giving you some opportunity to  be immersed in a real English conversation. 

And like always, I have created a free PDF  worksheet, which is right here over Dan's face.  

And with this free PDF worksheet, you can download  it and get all of today's important vocabulary,  

phrases, pronunciation. Anything that happens  in this lesson, you can download it in that  

free PDF worksheet. There's a link in the  description so that you can download it  

today and never forget what you've learned. Okay. Are you ready to start with the first  

question? Dan: 

I'm ready. Vanessa: 

All right. Here it goes. Dan: 

What could it be? Vanessa: 

The questions are from Alex from Brazil, Claudio  also from Brazil, and Vera from Taiwan. They all  

asked questions about parenting, and the  first one is: What has it been like having  

three kids so far? Maybe we should give a little  background of our children's ages and all of that. 

Dan: How many children do we  

have? We do have three, indeed. Vanessa: 

Yes. So we have Theo, who is six now. We have  Freddie, who is three. And we have a new baby,  

Matilda, who is two months old when you're  watching this. Yeah, what's it been like having  

three kids so far? Dan: 

I feel like what we've experienced so far is  not probably representative of what will happen. 

Vanessa: Oh yeah. 

Dan: Yes, because Matilda,  

she is just a little baby and she is  actually a very, very, very good sleeper. 

Vanessa: Oh, so easy. 

Dan: So that's really made it very helpful for  

us which is she takes her nap and then she wakes  up and she's not that upset, and then she takes  

another nap and then she sleeps all night. Vanessa: 

That's unbelievable. Dan: 

Possibly unheard of for a baby. So, so far it's  been pretty easy with Matilda. But the other two,  

as they get older, I think they kind of,  in their own way, get a little harder. 

Vanessa: Yeah, they say bigger kids,  

bigger problems generally is how it goes. Dan: 

Yeah. Vanessa: 

And I'm sure it will all change as they get older  and all go through different stages. But really,  

I think the most difficult, oftentimes parents  ask, "What's the most difficult stage?" I think  

the most difficult was going from zero kids to  one kid because it's such a huge life change. We  

were going to the brewery and trivia night  late at night and going with our friends. 

Dan: We had a nightlife. 

Vanessa: Going on long hikes and doing  

things spontaneously. Dan: 

We were camping. Vanessa: 

Going camping and ... Dan: 

Backpacking in fact. Vanessa: 

Yeah. And then when you have a baby, all  of a sudden your life changes dramatically. 

Dan: Now backpacking is carrying  

the baby down the stairs. Vanessa: 

You're always backpacking. So I feel like  that was the biggest change and probably  

the most difficult change. I know a lot  of people say going from one kid to two  

kids is the most difficult because all of a  sudden you're juggling two different humans.  

But for us, at least for me, I would say  going from zero to one was the most difficult.  

One to two, it was trickier. Dan: 

I think it gets progressively harder. Vanessa: 

Yeah? Dan: 

Yeah. But I'm not a woman, so again no. Vanessa: 

Well, everyone's got their own opinion about this.  I think going from two to three so far hasn't been  

a huge change. Dan: 

Yeah. Not too bad. Vanessa: 

Maybe it's just because she's pretty chill. And  I think that this summer has been really special  

because you've been home. I've had another  parent at home at all times to help with  

all the children. So instead of being parenting  alone, being a parent alone with three kids,  

right now we've got two parents at home at  all times. But when you're watching this,  

that is changing because school is starting  back. Dan's going back to work at the school  

where he works. Theo will also be going to  school. Freddie will be going to preschool,  

so it'll be a little bit trickier. So maybe  we'll keep you updated. That's the final  

answer. Dan: 

Yeah, I think it's a lot trickier for  moms, especially when they're at home.  

Now that I've been home for the summer, it's  actually been harder for me, I think overall,  

because you're always holding or  caring for somebody all the time. 

Vanessa: There's no break. 

Dan: And that's especially  

true with the baby. So it's just cycling  through the kids. Who am I tending to now? 

Vanessa: Yeah. Sometimes we say if it's not one, it's the  

other. Somebody is always having a problem at all  times. Hopefully it's not all three at the same  

time. I think that only happened one time so far. Dan: 

Wait, when? Vanessa: 

Everyone was crying. Dan: 

Oh yeah. Vanessa: 

And we were almost there.  We were almost crying too. 

Dan: I don't know. At that point,  

you just kind of look at each other and you  kind of laugh like, because you're like,  

"What am I going to do now? I  don't know. They're all crying." 

Vanessa: Well, here we go, diving in- 

Dan: Let's let them cry. 

Vanessa: And I saw a picture once. It's a Facebook  

page. It's also an Instagram page called Humans  of New York. Maybe you've seen it before. If not,  

I highly recommend it because it's a great way  to get little snippets of language and culture.  

Anyway, there's a guy who goes around New York  taking pictures of strangers, and he asked them  

a bit about their lives and they usually share  something pretty interesting, I think. But there  

was one couple he took a picture of and they had a  young child with them and he said something like,  

or they said something about the process of  deciding whether or not they should have children.  

And they're like, "I don't know. We like our  lives now. Should we have kids?" And I think the  

husband, he said, "Well, having kids is the full  human experience. Humans have been having children  

and being around children for eternity." And so- Dan: 

He's right. Vanessa: 

She said that when their child is screaming in  the bath or having a crazy time, they just look  

at each other and say, "Full human experience."  And really, that's kind of all you can do. Yeah,  

I get frustrated sometimes. I get angry sometimes.  But in the end, you kind of just got to take a  

step back and go, "All right." Dan: 

You just keep telling yourself, "I  hope it'll be worth it someday." 

Vanessa: We are experiencing the full human experience. 

Dan: It's not really that bad though. 

Vanessa: No. 

Dan: In general it's been  

very nice and very rewarding, that's the word. Vanessa: 

Yeah. I think that's the thing  about parenting is that on paper  

there's a lot of negatives. You got to  change your life. It's expensive. There's  

a lot of work. Dan: 

You got to change diapers. Vanessa: 

You got to change diapers. There's a  lot of negatives on paper involved,  

but I think anyone who has been a parent, or if  you've been an aunt and you've helped to take  

care of your sister's child or a grandmother and  taking care of other children, it's intangible the  

reward, which that's a great vocabulary word. Just as a little reminder. We will be talking  

about some key vocabulary from this conversation  in a couple of weeks on my YouTube channel,  

so don't miss that video. Make sure you subscribe  to the Speak English With Vanessa YouTube channel  

so that you can get the vocabulary lesson  coming in a few weeks about this lesson. 

All right, let's go to our next question. Our  next question also has to do with parenting  

and it's talking about competition. How do  you handle competition between siblings? 

First of all, let's talk about what  is competition between siblings. 

Dan: And these are big questions. I  

don't know if I'm ready for the surprise. Vanessa: 

Alex, Vera and Claudio were not  holding back with their questions. 

Dan: Yeah. 

Vanessa: Yeah, let's talk about  

what is competition first. Dan: 

Yeah, competition is where two people  can't win. Only one person can win. 

Vanessa: Yeah. 

Dan: And so- 

Vanessa: Fighting, arguing- 

Dan: ... they're kind of competing  

for the one prize, basically. Vanessa: 

Which usually I think that prize in a  family is your parents' attention. So  

there's only two of us, and sometimes there's  only one of us at home. So that competition  

is often, they're not thinking, "I want to be the  one to get Mom's attention the most." They're not  

really consciously thinking that, but that's just  by nature how it is, that the limited resource  

is our attention. So siblings, that's brothers  and sisters, the competition between siblings,  

do we do anything about that? Dan: 

Yes, especially in the sense of our attention.  I think we try to give each kid attention,  

especially one-on-one attention. Although I've  noticed that with Freddie, our second one,  

he definitely cries out for attention a lot  more. He does more things to make you say,  

"What are you doing?" Vanessa: 

Little naughty things sometimes. Dan: 

A lot more naughty things and a lot more like,  "Hey, look at me, look at me, daddy," and stuff  

like that. So he is a lot more direct about  it, I think. And it's probably because he's  

the second child. Vanessa: 

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're the second child.  You're the middle child. You're like Freddie. 

Dan: Apparently I was the quiet one though. 

Vanessa: Yeah? 

Dan: Yeah, like  

easygoing. Vanessa: 

Did you ever- Dan: 

I was sneaky though. Vanessa: 

I think that's a cry for attention too. Like  doing little things to try to get away with it  

and just ... I don't know. Did you ever feel  like you lacked attention from your parents? 

Dan: Is this about my childhood now? 

Vanessa: Yes. We're turning it on you. 

Dan: Yeah,  

maybe a little bit, because it was the I was the  easy child and my brother was a little bit more of  

the squeaky wheel is the expression we use. The  squeaky wheel gets the oil. Is that the saying? 

Vanessa: Yep. Yep. 

Dan: So yeah, he was a little more of  

a challenging kid than I was. Vanessa: 

So your parents' attention was on him? Dan: 

At least from my parents' perspective. Yeah. Vanessa: 

Yeah. I mean, that's what I've heard, that  they put a lot of attention on him because  

he was either more difficult or they perceived  him as more difficult. And so it's not that you  

got ignored. It's just that maybe they felt  like you didn't need that type of attention. 

Dan: Well, they just  

thought that I was like, "He's good.  Look at him. He's happy. He's doing his  

thing. Yeah." Vanessa: 

Yeah. Dan: 

And inside, I mean ... Well, yeah. I maybe had  some problems down the road because of it, maybe. 

Vanessa: Yeah, I  

think everyone wants as much of their parents'  attention as possible, and I'm sure you did too. 

Dan: Yeah. But I think Freddie is much  

more direct than I was. He's pretty ... Vanessa: 

But I think that's good. I want  to know what he's thinking. 

Dan: He's very headstrong. He's more your sister  

than me. Her sister is the second child too. Vanessa: 

Yeah. One that will tell you, "I want this and I  want it now, and I'm not going to stop until I get  

it," that kind of attitude. Dan: 

Yeah. That's exactly what I want. Vanessa: 

Yes. Dan: 

Yeah. Vanessa: 

Yeah. But I think, that was one of my thoughts  when we were deciding whether or not we wanted  

to have a third kid was will I be able to give  enough attention to Freddie because it's kind of  

a stereotype that the middle child gets glossed  over or like forgotten. And I love Freddie. I  

don't want him to be glossed over, but kind  of by default, we spent years with only Theo. 

Dan: He won't let you not get attention. 

Vanessa: And then I have a baby,  

so I have to spend time with her. And so what  happens to the middle child kind of by default,  

they get a little bit less attention their  whole lives. So I wanted to make sure that  

that was something that I could handle, because  yeah, I love Freddie. I don't want him to get  

less attention. But I think he's ready to stand  up for himself. He's got a strong personality. 

Dan: Yeah, he does. What  

about competition with each other? Because  that's how I would've initially taken this. 

Vanessa: Like fighting with each other maybe? 

Dan: Yeah, or like, I mean, I have noticed that  

Freddie will say, "I can do this the best." Vanessa: 

Yeah. Dan: 

And Theo will be like, "No, I can do it better."  So they kind of have these little arguments. 

Vanessa: I think we try not to compare them with each other  

in front of them. Sometimes when we're talking  with just each other, when the kids are asleep,  

we might say, "Is this okay? Theo didn't do this  and Freddie's doing this." We might talk amongst  

ourselves about that, but I think it's really  important to not say, "Theo does this. Freddie,  

you should do it too." Or, "Freddie, Theo  doesn't do that. Look at him." That kind of  

comparison. It's better to keep it, I think more  general like don't hit instead of saying, "Theo  

doesn't hit. You shouldn't hit too." Just don't  hit, keeping it as a rule versus a comparison. 

Also, I would highly recommend if you have  multiple children or if you are a grandparent that  

has multiple grandkids, there's a book called ... Dan: 

Siblings? Vanessa: 

Yes. Dan: 

Rivalry? Vanessa: 

There's a book. Siblings Without  Rivalry is like the older- 

Dan: Oh, that's a different one- 

Vanessa: ... older version. It's  

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings. It took me a  moment to think of that. Peaceful Parent, Happy  

Siblings. I'll put a picture of it right here on  Dan's face. This book gives amazing tips about how  

to help there be less competition between siblings  and just have your kids get along. Because I think  

when I see you with your siblings as adults, you  guys get along really well. It's so nice that at  

Christmas when everyone- Dan: 

Overall- Vanessa: 

... gets together. Yeah, some  people dread going to ... 

Dan: Well, that's true. 

Vanessa: Like family gatherings because they  

just fight with their siblings or they just have  a terrible relationship. And I feel like you guys  

get along, you play games, you enjoy chatting. Dan: 

Me and my brother can be a bit,  but that's I think, I don't know,  

I think that's brother stuff. Vanessa: 

Yeah. I think compared to what it could be, from  my opinion as an outsider, I think that you guys  

have what I would want my kids to have. Dan: 

We've mellowed out with age too. There was  definitely phases in me and my brother's life  

where it was pretty contentious. Vanessa: 

Yeah. What'd you guys do? Dan: 

We fought a lot in high school. Vanessa: 

Yeah? Did you ever- Dan: 

Middle school, high school- Vanessa: 

... physically hit each other? Dan: 

Yes. Vanessa: 

I think that's probably normal. Dan: 

Yeah. I mean, Theo and Freddie do sometimes  too, but not too often. I think Theo is  

actually pretty good at recognizing  that he's the older brother and not  

always being so serious about the competition.  And then Freddie will even recognize, "Well,  

someday when I'm bigger, I'll get better at  this." So they almost both have a little bit  

of recognition. Vanessa: 

Yeah. But the other day when Theo wasn't at home,  he was at a friend's house and we were talking to  

Freddie. We were like, "Oh, what would it be like  if you were the oldest sibling, Freddie?" He got  

this look on his face like I would be bigger than  everyone, I would get to do everything better than  

everyone, like he ... Dan: 

He loved this idea. Vanessa: 

Yeah. I think that it's just, yeah,  like I said, by default, the second kid  

and third are going to have kind of a complex  almost that they're not the biggest. But  

that's normal. Humans have been dealing with this  forever. So it's not dooming them, but it's just  

going to be part of their personality. Dan: 

I think a big picture with our kids, it seems like  maybe we're a little bit fortunate that they're  

not gung-ho, crazy competitive. I think some kids  can be a lot more, and they're not, especially- 

Vanessa: At least at  

this point. I wonder if there's a developmental  stage that ... Well, there's lots of stages we  

haven't gotten to yet. Our oldest is only six,  that maybe they'll become more competitive. 

Dan: Yeah. Or they're just not touchy about it  

in the same way. Freddie will say, "I'm the best  digger in the world and I'm doing it the best, and  

I'm number one," and Theo will be kind of like ... Vanessa: 

"Okay." Dan: 

"Okay." Vanessa: 

He knows you're not really, you're  just saying that because you're three. 

Dan: I'll show you later. 

Vanessa: Yeah. Yeah. I thought that's good. That's good.  

And having a good foundation for their friendship.  I mean, that's the goal. We want our kids to be  

friends when they get older and now too. All right, let's go to our next question.  

This one pivots a little bit from, yeah,  just talking about multiple children.  

This question is a little deeper. Dan: 

Oh boy. Vanessa: 

The challenge of raising or parenting children  at a time when technology ends up taking over a  

parent's role. Are tech devices dumbing down  our children and what do we currently do? 

Dan: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 

Vanessa: What do we currently do  

and what do we plan to do as they get older?  So I think the essence of this question is- 

Dan: Wow, that's a great question. 

Vanessa: How are screens and tech, I think by tech they  

mean screens, affecting children in general. And  then how are we approaching that in our family?  

Which that's a big question. Dan: 

Yeah, I think that's like ... Vanessa: 

That's something I feel very passionate about. So  I think this was Alex's question. Thank you, Alex,  

for this great question. Dan: 

Yeah. I mean, I think screens have the  potential to absolutely ruin people,  

families, children. Vanessa: 

Adults too. Dan: 

Adults. Vanessa: 

Yeah. Dan: 

Yeah. Vanessa: 

But children are just, they don't know what  they're getting into. So adults at least have  

control over their lives. Dan: 

Starting them young is not probably the best  idea. And I don't think people appreciate the  

addictive qualities of these things.  People design these to hook you in,  

so you'll use them for hours and hours.  And so, yeah, for us, I mean, our kids,  

they do watch stuff on TV, but it's just for a  little bit of time, and then they just have to  

go outside or play. Vanessa: 

Yeah, so usually- Dan: 

And then they don't have iPods,  no computers, no phones, nothing. 

Vanessa: iPods? 

Dan: iPads. 

Vanessa: iPods back in the- 

Dan: This is the future- 

Vanessa: ... 2000s. Hey,  

we used to have iPods back in the day. Dan: 

Like iPods. Vanessa: 

Yeah. I think that two decisions that we  decided to make as a family about tech so  

far so our kid, oldest- Dan: 

And they're young, so it's a little easier. Vanessa: 

Yeah, our oldest is only six. I mean,  some people would say it's harder  

because it acts as a free babysitter. Dan: 

They don't have the friends yet  being like, "Get this thing." 

Vanessa: Yeah. But what  

I mean is people will give their kid a tablet  and it makes the parent have an easier time. 

Dan: Oh, well,  

that's true. The TV is really nice whenever you  need a break. That is the very true statement. 

Vanessa: So the two things that we decided  

to do as a family with tech is one, we don't  own any tablets, but to not give our children  

a phone or a tablet, so something personal. And  instead when we watch something, we watch it on  

the TV so it's kind of a community experience.  Even if I'm not watching it, if I'm making lunch  

and they're watching it, it's not this type of  thing. Instead, they're watching together and  

it's a little bit more of a public experience. And I'm sure this will change over time as they  

get older. But that was kind of one of our goals  because in our relationship, we lived for a long  

time without a TV in our house. And when we moved  to this house, we had to decide how to use it. And  

especially with children, that's tricky. So  we decided no personal device, just the TV. 

And the second one was have a set time, and also  kind of time of day when they watch something. So  

this has worked well for us. Our kids are small.  I'm sure if you have a 12-year-old, you're saying,  

"Oh, you have it so easy." Dan: 

Well, this works a lot better if you start them  young. It's much easier to say, "Hey, this is what  

we do," than, "Hey, you watched all this TV, let's  take it away." That's not going to work so well. 

Vanessa: Yeah, it's harder to go back. 

Dan: Or, "Here's a tablet. Nevermind,  

you can't have a tablet." That's not going to work  so well, or it's not going to be fun for a while. 

Vanessa: Yeah. So what we  

have done for our kids is there's a specific time  of day. Usually it's before lunch or after lunch,  

like around this time. And they before, maybe  like a couple months ago, Freddie started to care,  

but Freddie didn't really care about watching  something. He was too young, two years old. He  

didn't really care. But Theo would choose one  program, and this was something that we thought  

was okay. So I think the quality of what they're  watching is important. And obviously that's very  

subjective, what you consider quality. But we  had a couple shows that we thought were okay. 

And Theo could choose one show, like 30 minutes.  He could choose which one he wanted to watch. And  

when that show is finished, it's done. That's  it. So he watched something for 30 minutes.  

And now that Freddie is also a little bit older  and he's wanting to choose something himself,  

they each choose something. And so they watch  for one hour most days. I would say in the summer  

it's every day, during- Dan: 

But not during the school year. Vanessa: 

During the school year they don't watch anything  except on the weekends. But I feel like this  

specific time of day and a specific length, it's  not just five minute YouTube videos, and then  

it keeps going and keeps going, and then it's  hard to stop that flow. I think as adults, it's  

hard to stop that when you're watching something,  especially something short. There's no definitive  

end. But for our kids, that has worked so well. There's times of course, when we turn it off and  

they're cranky or they're fussy, but overall,  this has worked so well. And the truth is,  

it is harder as parents because we  don't use the TV as a babysitter  

for four hours a day. They're not watching even  two hours a day. I think at least the science  

as of now, 2023, says that one hour of TV per  day for children over the age of two is fine. 

There's not negative consequences. Obviously, if  they're watching, I don't know, a horror movie,  

it's not a good idea, but something appropriate  for children, that's the guidelines. And for me,  

that kind of relieved me of some guilt because  I was like, "My kids aren't going to watch TV.  

They're not going to watch screens," blah, blah,  blah. And then I saw that, and I feel like I can  

trust that one hour, limited time over the age  of two, so under the age of two, no screens are  

good for kids, but this kind of idea that this is  okay can kind of relieve you if you're the kind  

of parent, I think especially moms suffer  from this, who would feel guilty about,  

yeah, making a decision about letting  your kid watch TV or whatever it might be,  

something that- Dan: 

I think most parents let their kids watch TV. Vanessa: 

Yes. But I think a lot of people feel guilty  about it. They probably do it, but might feel  

guilty. So I think this kind of relieved me  of some guilt. Anyway, that's what we do. 

What about the future, because part of this is ... Dan: 

Well, yeah, the elephant in the room is phones. Vanessa: 

What do we plan to do? Yeah, what do we plan to do  as they get older? And the plan might be different  

from the reality. Dan: 

Well, yeah- Vanessa: 

But do you have a plan? Dan: 

I mean, we don't have a solid plan yet,  because we're not sure. I have seen these  

phones that are, they're kind of like  safe phones for kids and they can chat.  

But I guess even chatting can be dangerous. Vanessa: 

Yeah. Like text their friends kind of thing. Dan: 

Yeah, and it's got a lot of parental controls  on it. So that would be one option. But I  

probably wouldn't even give them any phone  until they're in their, I don't know, mid- 

Vanessa: 30s. 

Dan: I was going to say mid-teens. 

Vanessa: Yeah. I think ... 

Dan: I don't know. I don't see any  

reason why they would need one. Vanessa: 

Yeah. I think the trickiness  comes when their peers ... 

Dan: Their peers are going to  

be pressuring them for sure- Vanessa: 

Have phones, and then, yeah, they come home and  say, "Mom, you're the worst mom ever. I don't  

have a phone. I hate you," blah, blah, blah.  And that continues forever. That's tricky. 

Dan: I don't think they'll necessarily say that. 

Vanessa: Mark my words, sweetheart. 

Dan: I was homeschooled  

and I never said that to my parents. Vanessa: 

Well, did you have peers though? Were you at a  school where you had lots of peers? I think you  

were really removed from that. Dan: 

Oh, well, later on, yeah. Vanessa: 

And we were growing up in the '90s. It was very  different. My family didn't have a phone until ... 

Dan: I got pretty angsty about video games. 

Vanessa: There's always something to get angsty about. 

Dan: Like, "Why can't you buy me a Nintendo 64, Mom?" 

Vanessa: Yeah. I think teenagers are going  

to be tricky no matter what. That's just the way  it goes. I say this as someone who has no teens at  

the moment, but I feel like as parents, we have a  responsibility to deliver our children safely into  

adulthood. That's the goal of parenting. Dan: 

Safely and not being a drain on society. Vanessa: 

I think that's part of that. Dan: 

By being a productive member. Vanessa: 

Yeah. So part of technology is not just, "Oh, I  don't want you looking at a screen," but there  

are things about being addicted to technology or  chatting with a stranger online that are extremely  

dangerous. And yes, there will be, I'm sure, a lot  of tension about why can't I use these apps? Why  

can't I use this social media? Dan: 

Video games. Vanessa: 

Why can't I play video games all day? My friends  do this. I'm sure there will be a lot of tension  

with our kids about that. That's inevitable.  But I do think that it's a tricky decision  

to figure out what's the line. But my goal is to make sure that  

our kids are safe, not just physically safe,  but mentally and emotionally safe. And there  

is more and more evidence showing that the more  screen time you have, the more apps you use that  

let you chat with strangers, this is so dangerous  and it's everywhere. So I really want to be aware  

constantly of what our kids are exposed to and  train them to realize that, yes, it's hard. Yes,  

you're not going to like me about this. Yes,  it's going to be ... you're going to be different  

probably from your peers due to not always ... Dan: 

To some degree. Vanessa: 

Looking at a phone and playing video games all  day. But that's still for the best. So it's  

going to be hard, I'm sure. Dan: 

I've found so far too, having some parents  and kids with like-minds really helps. 

Vanessa: Like-minded parents, yeah. 

Dan: Yeah, like-minded parents and kids, because  

I don't know if it's going to continue. I think  it gets harder, but as of now, a lot of parents  

of younger kids are like, "We don't want them to  use this stuff all the time. We've seen what it's  

done to me, or my family," or, "My brother still  plays Pokemon until the wee hours of the morning."  

That's kind of weird. So stuff like that. Vanessa: 

If your friends kids have friends  that are doing the same things- 

Dan: I think the hope is that they have  

friends who are kind of doing similar things and  then they won't feel so left out. Hopefully other  

parents have enough fortitude to say. Vanessa: 

Yeah. And personally I don't- Dan: 

That they're going to put some boundaries on it.  Although I think there is some gray area. You can  

test the waters with some things, make it very  clear upfront and see how they handle it. But I  

think the internet in general is so unbound  the way that you can just two clicks away,  

pornography, stuff like that is  just rampant all over the place. 

Vanessa: Dangerous for children. 

Dan: And so I think  

that's a really difficult area to say, "Here.  You can just. Yeah, go ahead kid." Yeah, no way. 

Vanessa: Yeah. That's kind  

of the idea of keeping our children's minds and  bodies safe. And the internet is quite unknown,  

but I do think, I do have hope that as especially  our generation grows up as parents, there's more  

information and more studies, and I think there is  kind of a movement away from unlimited technology  

for children and ... Dan: 

Or just people in general. Vanessa: 

Yeah, for people in general to say, "Yeah, I don't  really want to look at Facebook all day. Yeah, I  

don't really want to watch YouTube all day except  for Vanessa's videos." No, don't watch my videos  

all day, please. But this kind of idea that we're  becoming more aware of the addictive quality. 

So I have hope that in the future there will be  more people who want to just be careful about  

their kids' consumption of technology and screens  and whatnot. It's not all bad, but you definitely  

have to be very careful. Dan: 

Bad is always hiding around the corner. Vanessa: 

Yes, lurking. All right, let's go to our final question.  

We do have a bonus question. Let's see if we have  time to get to it. But the fourth question is:  

How do you and Dan usually manage the housework  and the childcare? How do you decide which of you  

will take care of what? And the little extra  part of this question is the student asks:  

I'd like to know some common expressions to ask  someone like can you wash the dishes? I'll do  

the dishes for you. These types of expressions. So little teaser. When I talk about the vocabulary  

from today's lesson in a few weeks, I'll give  you some expressions to talk about chores,  

about how to delegate chores. Like, "Oh, I'll  do the dishes for you tonight. I know you're  

really tired." Those types of expressions.  So coming soon to a YouTube video near you. 

Yeah, how do we decide who will take care of what? Dan: 

Well, first of all, I have to preface that I think  we are pretty mid-tier in the chore category. 

Vanessa: Oh, what's that mean? 

Dan: We're not like the most cleanly people on earth. 

Vanessa: Oh. Yeah, we're not. 

Dan: Maybe a little more than average. 

Vanessa: Fastidious, is that the word? 

Dan: Yeah. For example,  

we have cleanup time with the kids at night where  we just pick up stuff and try to put it away. 

Vanessa: I think that's pretty normal. 

Dan: Yes. 

Vanessa: Like tidy a little bit throughout  

the day and at the end of the day. Dan: 

But what I was going to say is  it doesn't happen every day. 

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. 

Dan: Some days we don't do that. 

Vanessa: Yeah, that's fine. 

Dan: And then it just ends up probably you walking by,  

grabbing stuff again. Vanessa: 

Yeah. That's one of the chores like tidying up.  But other chores are continual, like laundry and  

dishes and ... Dan: 

Yeah, the big ones. Vanessa: 

Oh, our car needs to be maintenanced. Or the kids'  tuition, school needs to be paid or whatever it  

is. These types of things that just keep your  life running. How do we decide who will take  

care of what? Dan: 

Well, when you were pregnant, I basically  said, "I am going to do every single chore." 

Vanessa: I had a big chore of growing a baby. 

Dan: So I did the dishes and the laundry.  

Those are the big ones to me. Vanessa: 

And tidying up and putting the  kids to bed, that's a big chore. 

Dan: Well, I tied it up everything on the floor  

because you can't get stuff on the floor. Vanessa: 

I know. My belly was so big, I couldn't- Dan: 

But for a while I think you were still  doing cleaning off the tables and stuff. 

Vanessa: Yeah, minor things. 

Dan: Lawn work. I used to do the lawn work. In America  

that's a big thing. You got to mow your lawn.  But now we pay somebody to do that because ... 

Vanessa: It's a big task. 

Dan: I had that good  

old red-blooded American in me that said, "No,  I got to mow my own lawn." And you were like,  

"I'd rather you just spend some time with us." Vanessa: 

Yeah, especially because we have a pretty big  yard. So that task, especially for this time  

in our life when we have small kids, it's  better to delegate that to someone else. 

I feel like a big thing that worked for us was ... Dan: 

Excuse me, delegating. Vanessa: 

For delegating, yeah, was just really treating it  like a business, which I think the home is kind  

of like a business. Dan: 

That's how you saw it? Vanessa: 

We had a meeting. I remember we went- Dan: 

Okay, we did have a meeting. That's true. Vanessa: 

We went out on a date to try to have  a little fun. We went out on a date,  

went to a restaurant. Dan: 

A couple. Vanessa: 

A couple drinks, nice food. We brought a notebook  and we wrote down every chore, little things like  

fixing the car or ... Dan: 

That's not a little thing. Vanessa: 

Well, like maintenance on the car or checking the  bank account, looking at our health insurance,  

what these little things that come up, scheduling  doctor's appointments for the kids or ourselves or  

whatever. These types of things that kind of add  up. We wrote every single one down and based on  

other things. So am I pregnant? Am I not? That's  also a big responsibility. How much am I working?  

How much is Dan working? And not just hours,  but that mental load of you're working on a  

big project or whatnot, those types of things.  Who did what chores? So we just wrote down ... 

Dan: Putting the kids to bed. 

Vanessa: Putting the kids to bed. 

Dan: That's a big chore. 

Vanessa: That's a big chore. 

Dan: Man. 

Vanessa: We just put D or V based on who did what.  

So this kind of strict delegation. But there was a  little asterisk I think we put on this that said,  

and I think this is an important part of a healthy  relationship, if I can say this, is that when  

one of us was not capable of doing one of those  chores, for example, the dishes, if the kids were  

having such a hard time going to bed and you were  really overwhelmed by that, I would do the dishes.  

So there's a little asterisk of we help  each other out. We're not going to say,  

"Nope, it's not my chore. I will never do it."  But we were willing to help each other out. 

But in general, you wrote down, Dan does  this, you do it, it's your chore. And yeah,  

kind of just figuring out what works well because  we both work. We both take care of the kids. If  

one of us did not work, totally different  situation then because that person's job  

is the home. Dan: 

Is the household. Vanessa: 

It is the children. And you take that seriously. Dan: 

It's kind of harder than a regular job  really, if you do it all by yourself. 

Vanessa: I think every stay- 

Dan: It gets crazy. 

Vanessa: Every stay at home parent would absolutely  

say that, "Going to work is a break." Dan: 

It depends on your job, but still. Vanessa: 

Generally, for me, taking care  of the children is harder. 

Dan: By yourself especially. 

Vanessa: Especially by yourself is the  

most difficult. And then going to work is like a  break. It's like, oh, it's quiet. I can focus. I  

accomplish a task from the beginning to the end  without being interrupted. That feeling is much  

different. It's much- Dan: 

You can go to the bathroom  without a child barging in on you. 

Vanessa: Wow. So yeah,  

I think that's generally how we handle it. And we  change it over time because we have two kids and  

Dan's working from home with me. Dan worked from  home with me. Actually, that's our bonus question. 

Dan worked at this business, Speak English With  Vanessa for several years. So that was a very  

different situation. We had similar type of  jobs somewhat. We were both home, so, yeah,  

we had to organize and delegate  our chores in a different way. 

So basically whatever works for you.  But I highly recommend having a meeting,  

writing down all the things that need to be  done, and then determining who does what. But  

working on it together. It can be a big point  of contention, I think for a lot of couples. 

Dan: Yeah. I do think it's a lot more cut and  

dry for a lot of people. Especially if one person  does the work and makes the money for the house,  

it seems like a lot easier to be the other person  takes care of almost everything at the house. 

Vanessa: Yeah. I think that- 

Dan: That just kind of makes sense. 

Vanessa: It's also important to determine  

what happens when that person comes home. Dan: 

Yeah, that's true. Vanessa: 

Because the person ... Dan: 

That can get contentious. Vanessa: 

Yeah. I think that's why it's important to talk  about it and write down the stuff. What do you do  

on the weekends, because everyone needs a break. Dan: 

Just know the expectations. You don't want to  assume. You don't want to be the guy who just  

kicks his feet up and puts him up on the chair. Vanessa: 

Oh yeah. Dan: 

While the wife is making the dinner. Vanessa: 

Yeah. I think making sure that everyone. Dan: 

Sometimes it's fun, but. Vanessa: 

And not fun for the person making. Actually,  you know what? In our house making dinner is  

a break. Dan: 

We like making dinner. Vanessa: 

I like making dinner because if I've been with the  kids all day, making dinner is like, I can focus  

on this task. And sometimes we make dinner with  the kids. But in general, I think that you just  

decide what's best for your family. But it's best  to decide together and kind of work through that  

before somebody explodes generally is a good idea. All right. Thank you for those wonderful  

questions. We have a bonus question.  Would you like to answer a bonus question? 

Dan: I thought we already did the bonus question. 

Vanessa: We did not do the bonus question,  

but I hinted at the bonus question. Dan: 

Okay. Vanessa: 

The bonus question is: How is Dan feeling going  back to work after helping you to teach us English  

for a long time? Dan: 

Wow. I didn't know they knew about that. Vanessa: 

Yes. Yeah. Well, some of my students in my course,  the Fearless Fluency Club, they have been a part  

of our lives for a long time. They're privy to all  that information. So just as a little background,  

Dan taught and worked with me at Speak  English With Vanessa, making videos. 

Dan: Behind the scenes. 

Vanessa: Behind the scenes, helping with- 

Dan: Writing stories. 

Vanessa: Courses, all of that. And then, yeah, tell us what  

happened. September last year, what did you do? Dan: 

Yeah. So now I teach at my son's school. I  was an assistant teacher last year and this  

year I'm going to be a co-science teacher.  It's an alternative school, so it's not like  

a regular classroom setting. It's a little  bit more integrating outdoors. So the kids  

are actually outside for half the day. And so  that's a big goal or mission of the school. 

So that's what I've been doing and I like it a  lot. I like being able to go out and do my own  

thing. It's not so much working with you, but  working with a partner all day long and living  

with them and then having kids and everybody's  in the house, I think that got a little bit old. 

Vanessa: Yeah. I think it's healthy for us to be part  

of the community because especially when- Dan: 

Especially when technically you were my boss. Vanessa: 

Yeah, I think deciding what works- Dan: 

That can't last that long. Vanessa: 

Best for your relationship. But I think even  for our family, you working outside the home,  

you working at Theo's school especially, like you- Dan: 

That's been good. Vanessa: 

That's been great. You've been able to, at  least I feel good that Theo is with you during  

the day. You're not his teacher at school,  but you're at the school kind of with him. 

Dan: Not yet. 

Vanessa: Someday maybe you'll be his teacher, but  

kind of connecting us to the community more. You  have coworkers. If anybody has either worked from  

home or moved to a new country and then worked  remotely or just this kind of isolation that's  

prevalent when you work from home. It's really  nice to be connected to the community in some way.  

And work is a kind of easy way to do that. Dan: 

Yeah. And I think also being perfectly honest,  there are some patterns that people just can  

develop as work partners or even just home life.  And we had kind of developed something that was  

not good, that wasn't fun for us. Vanessa: 

It wasn't working- Dan: 

It wasn't as healthy as it could be. Vanessa: 

Yeah. Dan: 

And so we were like, "We need  to change something, for sure." 

Vanessa: And I think that was good of us to be  

able to decide something needs to change. Dan: 

We weren't at each other's throats or anything. Vanessa: 

No. Yeah, I think that that's important to  realize in our relationship. So Dan works  

at a school now and question was how  do you feel? You said it's going well. 

Dan: Yeah, it feels great. Yeah, I  

like it. I think this works really well. I kind of  get to go out and forge my own path in some ways.  

I don't feel like I'm kind of tinkering around  the edges of this business, which is a great  

business. And it's like, yeah, it's amazing and  you guys are awesome. Vanessa's amazing, amazing,  

amazing. But yeah, it's just going off and  doing my own thing for at least part of the day,  

I think has done a lot for me personally. Vanessa: 

Yeah, I think it's done a lot for our family too. Dan: 

And for our family, yeah. Vanessa: 

Because I think when somebody in your house isn't  feeling well, I wouldn't say you weren't feeling  

well, but you weren't at your best. Dan: 

At times I wasn't so happy. Vanessa: 

Yeah, that really affects the whole family  unit. So I'm glad that you are feeling better. 

Dan: Yeah. And we just saw each other in  

neighbors mostly. So that was kind of like. Vanessa: 

Yeah. It's nice to have other people in our lives. Dan: 

We have friends, but it just felt different, even  though all of you are our friends, but we don't  

get to see you every day. Vanessa: 

You know what we mean. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for  

being willing to answer these questions  with me. Some of these are quite personal. 

Dan: That got personal. 

Vanessa: Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being willing to  

immerse yourself in English, and I hope that this- Dan: 

And our lives. Vanessa: 

Yes, our lives too. I hope that if you are  a parent that this was interesting to you.  

I hope we're not too judgmental about other  ways of doing things. This is just from our  

personal perspective. Dan: 

And we're all just trying to figure it out. Vanessa: 

I know. Dan: 

That's the ultimate conclusion of parenting. Vanessa: 

Yes. Yes. As long as you love and respect  your children and your partner, you're  

probably going to be doing something right. Well, don't forget to download the free PDF  

worksheet for today's lesson with all of  today's vocabulary, expressions, ideas,  

sample sentences. Don't forget what you learned in  today's conversation. You can click the link below  

this lesson to download that free PDF today. And if you are a parent, let us know in the  

comments what you think about tech and parenting.  How do you handle screens with your kids? How  

old are your kids? What do you do? I am always  interested in how other people are just going  

about being a parent. How is it working for you?  Let us know. I would love to read your comments. 

And thank you so much for learning English with  us today. I'll see you again next Friday for a new  

lesson here on my YouTube channel. Bye. Dan: 

Bye. Vanessa: 

But wait. Do you want more? I recommend watching  this video next, which is another conversation  

I had with my husband, Dan, about pregnancy  and deciding to have a third child. How did  

we decide to have a third child? Well, watch  that video to find out and I'll see you there.