Powerful Listening Skills | How English Speakers Show They're Listening (And How You Can Too)

Hey, it's Annemarie was Speak Confident English.

This is exactly where you want to be every week to get the confidence you want

for your life and work in English.

If you've been following me for a while, then, you know,

at Speak Confident English,

we are all about helping you speak with confidence.

We do exactly what our name says.

We focus on helping you and all of our students sound calm,

smooth, and in control when you speak.

We focus on strategies that help you think clearly in English so you

can choose the words that help you say what you want to say.

Something that you might not know is that in the online courses that we teach,

for example, in Fluency School,

we also focus on the art and power of listening because

good communication is a two way street.

If you don't listen well,

or if you don't understand what someone else is saying,

it's nearly impossible to respond to a question correctly,

or to have a healthy dialogue.

So in today's Confident English lesson, we're going to focus on four things.

Number one,

what exactly is the power of listening and how does listening benefit you?

Number two,

what are the signs English speakers use to show that they're listening

to you?

How will you know that someone is really focused on what you're saying?

Number three,

how can you select the right body language and verbal cues to show

others that you are listening to them? And finally,

we're going to end with some things that you can say when you realize

people are not listening to you, but they should be.

Let's get started with the first area of focus,

which is why is listening so important?

How is it powerful and how will it benefit you?

I want you to think for a moment how you feel when someone

truly listens to you,

do you find that annoying or irritating, or do you feel respected,

appreciated,

heard when someone listens to you,

they're giving you a gift. They're giving you their attention.

Their time. They are showing that they care about what you have to say.

Listening to someone else is an extremely powerful kind

and generous act.

I actually have a whole lesson on how to be interesting and cool and

English.

And the focus is actually about listening.

I'll leave a link to that lesson below,

but let's talk about how being a good listener will benefit

you.

Number one, when you are a good listener,

it builds trust and it shows respect to others.

This is important for building friendships and meaningful business

relationships. It can help you to have better interactions with team members,

customers, and clients.

It also leads to empathy,

the ability to better understand and connect to other people.

The second way that listening will benefit you is it helps you show that

you are interested in someone else when someone else

feels that you are interested in them,

it helps conversations to become more open, honest,

and engaging.

In other words, conversations are more interesting and fun.

The third way that powerful listening will benefit you is it will help you

truly understand people and what they want.

As a result, you'll have fewer misunderstandings or disagreements.

You can reach an agreement more easily.

You can make better decisions and you can also handle customer

complaints better as well.

Again, listening to someone else carefully,

truly giving them your attention is a gift,

but it also has enormous benefits for you.

So let's talk about how you can know if an English

speaker is listening to you. What are the signs,

cues sounds or words that English speakers use to show

that they're listening to you. I have to warn you. It's a little noisy.

Let's start with some of the verbal cues that English speakers use.

And when I say verbal cues, that means sounds and words that we use.

If you've ever joined me for a class,

or if you've had conversations with native English speakers,

you'll notice that they're really noisy when you're speaking,

you'll hear things like,

Hmm.

Uh huh.

Yeah. Oh,

Whoa. You'll also hear where it's like, yes, I see. Yeah.

Really?

Oh, wow.

No way.

Seriously.

As I said, English speakers are a little noisy when they're listening,

but all of those verbal sounds and words are indicators

that they're listening to you. They are not signs of agreement,

but they are signs that say, I'm listening to you.

I hear what you're saying. I'm responding to you.

So if you're in a conversation with someone,

an English speaker and you're hearing all those sounds and words,

that is a sign of active listening,

they're showing you a form of respect.

These verbal cues are particularly important for telephone conversations when we

don't have body language or facial expressions to help us. So again,

when you're on the telephone with an English speaker,

it's very likely that you're going to hear all those sounds and words.

If you're making a complaint on the telephone,

a customer service agent will likely use some of those verbal

cues to show you. They're listening to you now,

before we talk about some of the nonverbal cues that we use,

I want to pause here because I'm so curious in your native

language, do you use verbal cues,

different sounds and words to show that you're listening or do you listen in

silence?

I'd love to know what signs you use to show that you're listening to someone.

You can share your comments and examples with me in the comments just below this

video,

now that we know what some of the verbal cues might be.

Let's talk about body language and facial expressions for face to face

or online conversations.

Many of us now are doing everything online, including business meetings.

And when you're communicating with someone on camera, for example,

your computer camera,

body language and facial expressions are still important ways to show that

you're listening. In addition to those verbal sounds and words,

English speakers will use a variety of body language and facial expressions to

show that they're listening or responding to what you're saying. For example,

they may not their head to show that they are either in agreement or

that they're listening.

If you're sharing a story that is unexpected, unbelievable, shocking,

or surprising,

you might also see an English speaker shake their head.

And when they shake their head,

they might also include something like no way.

I can't believe it. That's unbelievable.

So they're giving you two different cues or signals that they're

listening.

In addition to moving their head, English speakers will also use eye contact.

They will focus on looking at your face at your eyes when you're speaking.

Now that doesn't mean they're going to stare in an uncomfortable, weird way.

Of course your eyes might look around the room a little bit,

but your eyes will continually and consistently come back to look at

their face. Let me give you an example of what not to do.

If I spoke to you like this all the time with my eyes focused off

camera,

that would look pretty weird, right?

The same is true for listeners in face to face conversation

and online.

Another way to show that we're listening with body language is to lean forward

or to lean closer to the person who's speaking.

If we lean back

or if we cross our arms,

these are signals of being closed, unhappy,

unengaged, or uncaring.

So instead keeping our body open and leaning forward is a

sign that we're listening.

All right, we've talked about verbal cues, both words,

and sounds the English speakers use to show that they're listening.

We've talked about facial expressions and body language.

There's one more thing I want to focus on that you'll hear English speakers do,

and that is clarifying or confirming what they heard you

say.

And other words, they're going to take something you said,

and they're going to repeat it back to you to make sure that they understood

correctly.

There are many different things that we can say different sentence starters or

question starters that we use.

But here are just a few examples after you share an idea or a solution to

a problem, I might respond by saying,

what I hear you saying is,

and then I will repeat what I heard you say or what I think you were

saying. And again, this is my way to number one,

show that I was listening to you. And number two,

I'm working to understand.

I want to make sure that I know exactly what you wanted to say.

I could also use if I heard you correctly,

you said that you mentioned that,

or I'd love to hear more about that is one of my favorite

sentences. I'd love to hear more about, it's a great way to get someone,

to give you more details and to continue the conversation.

All of those are great ways to confirm or clarify what someone

has said.

Now that we've got all of that.

How can you show others that you're listening to them in English

conversations?

I've given you a variety of verbal and nonverbal cues.

That is a short list of what English speakers say and do.

When they're listening.

You could certainly use some of those same examples when you're having

conversations in English.

But it's important to know that what people say or what sounds they

use to show that they're listening might change depending on where you

live. For example,

Australians may use different verbal cues than Americans would use.

Similarly,

people who live in New York may have some different verbal cues to show

listening than people who live in Los Angeles.

So if you want to begin using some verbal cues to show that you're listening

again, you can use some from the examples I provided,

or you can identify specific examples that are commonly used,

where you live.

One great way to do that is to listen to news programs or interviews by

people who live, where you live in interviews.

A good interviewer will show signs of active listening,

and they'll do that through their body language and with verbal cues.

So you could listen to an interview with a local podcaster or journalist

and focus on finding the verbal cues that they use,

and then take some of those examples and begin using them yourself.

Now, if you live in a non English speaking country,

you could certainly choose any English speaker you admire. And again,

identify ways that they show listening through verbal cues and

choose the ones that you want to use in your own communication.

Now that we know why listening is so powerful and how it benefits you,

how you can know when someone is listening to you and what

verbal cues you can use to show active listening.

Let's talk about what you can say when you realize someone

isn't listening to you and they should be, for example,

if you're having an important conversation with your supervisor, boss,

coworkers, or team members,

if you're having conversations with neighbors or others who live in your

community,

when you realize that someone isn't listening here are three different ways.

You can respond.

Number one,

you can acknowledge what's happening and respond in a polite way

that shows concern. For example,

maybe you're having a conversation with someone and you don't know,

but they're having a terrible day or there's some crisis happening in their

life.

So you could respond with something like it looks like I've lost your attention.

Is there another time that would be better for us to talk about this when I can

have your full attention. Similarly,

if you're in a conversation or meeting with someone and their phone keeps

pinging buzzing and ringing with text messages and emails you could

respond with,

do you need to get that?

It's a polite way to acknowledge that maybe some emergency is happening or

someone is trying to reach them.

And you're recognizing that there may be something else that's even more

important happening at that time.

So you're giving them permission to say yes,

I really do need to answer this call. And if they need to,

you can say no problem.

I would prefer to talk about this when I can have your full attention.

So let's talk about this at another time.

Now, if they say, no, I don't need to get that call.

You could also politely ask them to turn off their phone until you're finished

with the conversation.

And you can do that by asking,

would you mind turning that off until our conversation has finished?

I'm having a difficult time staying focused.

The second way that you can handle someone,

not listening is to be assertive and very clear about what's happening.

I have a whole lesson on how to be assertive English,

but here are two things that you can say.

I feel that you're not fully listening to me right now,

but I'd like to have your undivided attention so that we can make a good

decision together.

Another example,

I'd like to have your undivided attention because this decision or this

conversation is important too.

And then you can complete that sentence with examples.

Like this is important to our relationship.

This is important to our children's future.

This is important to our financial future.

This is important to the bottom line of our company.

This is important to our marriage. This is important to our neighborhood.

When we focus on why something is important and how it might benefit

the other person,

it's much easier to get them to refocus and give the attention that we're

looking for.

And finally,

the third way to respond when someone isn't listening is to use unexpected

silence or surprising words. And honestly,

this is best used with people that you know, well, or in casual situations,

if you're talking to someone and you notice that they're not really listening to

you, maybe they're checking their phone or they're reading the paper.

You can simply

stop talking.

Unexpected silence is weird and it captures people's attention.

So if you just stopped talking eventually,

usually pretty quickly, someone will look at you and realize, Oh,

sorry, I wasn't paying attention. And again,

that is a great way to get someone to refocus on what you were saying.

Another thing that you can do and something that my husband loves to do is

when you realize someone isn't listening,

just start saying things that are surprising and weird, for example.

And so then the elephant started laughing.

Of course, elephants don't laugh.

And most likely you weren't talking about elephants.

So someone who isn't paying close attention to what you're saying might hear

those words and think, wait a minute,

something's weird. This isn't right. And again,

they might stop what they're doing and refocus on you

now that you know why listening is so powerful and how to

know when people are listening to you and what cues or signals

you can use to show others that you're listening. I would love to hear from you.

I'm so curious what signals or cues might be used in your

native language.

Is there that you've learned here that is surprising or different to you?

If so, I would love to hear about it as always.

You can share your comments and questions with me in the comment section,

just below this video.

In this lesson,

I highlighted several other Confident English lessons I have on how to be

interesting and cool and English and how to be assertive.

I'll be sure to include links to those below this video as well.

Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this lesson useful to you,

I would love to know, and you can tell me in three simple ways, number one,

give this video a thumbs up on YouTube and subscribe to the Confident English

YouTube channel. So you never miss one of my lessons. Number two,

you can share this with friends and colleagues on Facebook or LinkedIn.

And number three, you can also email it to people, you know,

directly have a fantastic week,

and I'll see you next time for your Confident English lesson.