How to Set Boundaries in English Communication | English Lesson

Imagine this scenario. You're at work and it's already been a busy week.

In fact,

you're up to your eyeballs or up to your limit with tasks that are

due tomorrow, and then at the end of the day,

you get an email from your boss asking you to take on one more major

responsibility.

How would you describe the way you might feel in that particular situation?

Or what about this?

You're at a family event enjoying lively conversation with everyone else,

and then someone begins to gossip or speak negatively about a fellow

family member.

You no longer feel comfortable engaging in the conversation.

Both of these situations require the ability to set boundaries and

relationships to maintain emotional and mental health.

The challenge is how do you communicate those boundaries in English?

When you don't know the precise language to set boundaries,

you might feel powerless.

I can tell you boundary setting has been a hot topic of conversation inside my

Confident Women Community and here's why.

The ability to set boundaries allows us to have healthier relationships

and have more effective communication.

That means setting boundaries is an essential skill both professionally

and personally.

In this Confident English lesson today we're going to explore what boundaries

are and why they're important.

This includes a variety of boundary types, including physical boundaries,

verbal boundaries, emotional boundaries, and more. More importantly,

you'll have practical tips you can use to set boundaries and get

specific words and phrases we use in English to do this so that you're able to

communicate how you feel and what you consider to be acceptable.

By the end of this lesson,

you'll be able to communicate your boundaries in English personally and

professionally for healthier, more effective relationships.

But first, if you don't already know,

I'm Annemarie with Speak Confident English.

Everything I do here is designed to help you get the confidence you want for

your life and work in English.

One way I do that is with my weekly Confident English lessons where I share my

top fluency and confidence-building strategies,

advanced-level vocabulary lessons,

and training on communication skills just like in this lesson today.

So while you're here,

make sure you subscribe to my Speak Confident English YouTube channel so you

never miss one of these Confident English lessons. To get started,

let's briefly review what it means to set a boundary and why this is so

important.

To set a boundary means to dictate the amount of time, money,

emotional resources,

and energy you can or are willing to give to others.

When we communicate what those boundaries are,

we set clear expectations for others and that leads to

healthier relationships at home, in the workplace and in the community.

Those boundaries also protect us from harm and stress.

They promote wellbeing and also help us maintain better work life balance.

When we first begin the process of establishing what

our boundaries are, we need to take into account our personal values,

wants and needs.

It's also important to remember there are multiple types of boundaries,

including physical, emotional, time, and mental,

sexual,

spiritual and religious and financial or material boundaries.

Now,

one thing I want to be careful of is confusing a boundary with this

idea of being rigid or unwilling to budge,

unwilling to compromise.

A better way to think about boundaries is that they're dynamic and they

reflect where you currently are in your personal growth, values,

needs, and so on.

All of that can change over the course of your life or even within a

short period of time. In fact,

as your comfort zone expands or even shrinks,

your boundaries will change as well. With that in mind,

I want to share with you four simple steps that you can use to help you set

and maintain boundaries in English. First, analyze the problem.

Second, define your boundary. Circle third,

communicate with clarity and finally reinforce your boundaries.

I want to take time to explore each one in depth and look at specific language

we use in English to set boundaries with others.

So step number one, analyze the problem.

We cannot effectively communicate boundaries until we know what the

real issue is.

Let me go back to that scenario I described at the beginning of the lesson.

You're at work, you're already overwhelmed with tasks,

and then your boss asks you to take on one more. In the moment,

you might feel immediate exasperation, anger, frustration,

or overwhelm. In fact,

the emotion might be so strong that you can't even communicate it.

You feel paralyzed or powerless in communicating what is

wrong. To help you gain control and clarity,

there are a few questions you can ask and in asking these questions,

in taking time to reflect on them,

you can identify what the real problem is and begin to determine

alternatives as well as what is the boundary that you need to communicate to

others.

The questions you can analyze include what is the problem?

What just happened in that situation that led to the feeling that

something was wrong or done inappropriately? The second question,

why is this a problem? Why is it unacceptable to you?

What value, belief, want or need does it overstep?

Question number three,

what is preventing you from accepting this individual's

comment or request? And question four,

what do you need or what do you want to solve this problem?

Let me share with you what some possible answers to those questions might be for

someone in that situation who just got an extra task at work.

An answer to question number one, what is the problem might be,

I already have several tasks to complete and I can't take on one more.

Why is this a problem?

Because I've already taken on a lot of extra tasks and taking on

one more might mean that these other priorities will get put on the back

burner. The third question was,

what might prevent you from accepting someone else's comment or request?

And an answer in this particular scenario might be limited time

and capacity.

You might feel that there isn't enough time or mental resources available

to complete this additional task. And finally, the last question,

what do you want or need to solve this problem? An answer to that might be,

I need this task to be delegated to someone else,

and perhaps you need your manager to understand that you're already at capacity.

Now, your answers to those questions are just for you.

They're helping you gain clarity on what the problem is so that you can

communicate your boundaries with clarity. But before we do that,

we need to go on to step two, define your boundary circle.

Creating or defining your boundary circle is a journaling exercise that can

help you visualize what is acceptable and unacceptable to you.

And if this is something you're interested in,

I want to walk through step by step how you can define your boundary circle.

To do this, you'll need a piece of paper and a pen or a pencil,

and first you'll start by drawing a circle on your piece of paper.

Inside the circle you'll write down anything you might need to feel

safe, supported, seen, and heard by others.

These can be others in your personal life or in your professional life.

Outside the circle,

you'll write down anything you find intolerable,

uncomfortable or likely to drain your resources.

Let me give you an example using a real life scenario.

Let's say you have a close family member who consistently

disregards your dietary needs or preferences. In fact,

maybe at family gatherings,

they totally ignore your dietary needs and as a result,

your options are extremely limited.

There may be times you can't even enjoy eating with others.

As you aim to define your boundary,

circle some of the things you might include inside the circle include

no judgment,

a willingness to ask about your dietary needs and how they can meet them.

Clear communication and open dialogue and

acceptance.

Those are the things you might include inside the circle to help you feel safe,

supported, seen,

and heard by a fellow family member outside the circle.

The unacceptable,

the intolerable might be jokes about your dietary needs

or pressure to eat other foods.

Those words outside the circle might also include judgment,

an unwillingness to understand and underhanded or

inappropriate comments. Once you've completed those first two steps,

gaining clarity on what the specific problem is and gaining clarity

on the values, beliefs, needs or wants that have been overstepped,

then we can go on to step three, communicate with clarity.

What this means is it's time for you to communicate your boundary to others

to set clear expectations,

and here are four tips to help you do that. First,

it's important to clearly state what the boundary is.

Second, you can provide a clear reason. Third,

be sure to use eye centered language and finally,

build comfort or cultivate the courage.

You need to say no when you need to say no.

Before we take a look at a couple of example scenarios,

I want to share with you several phrases we can use in English to clearly

communicate these boundaries. Here are some examples you can consider.

I don't feel comfortable with X because for example,

I don't feel comfortable with how you make jokes about my dietary needs because,

or I value your thoughts on this and I would feel more comfortable if

a third structure might be I feel X when I feel

hurt when you make jokes followed by because the reason,

and then finally, please don't do Y.

This is where we're communicating the boundary. Please don't make jokes about,

and finally,

I would appreciate it if you could do X because those four

phrases are excellent ways to communicate your boundaries and they're using that

I centered language.

What that means is rather than me point the finger and blame someone else,

I'm keeping the focus on how I feel and what I expect or need out of

different situations. Now, I mentioned that when setting clear boundaries,

we may also need to say no from time to time,

and if you're unsure of how to say no politely in English,

here are a few phrases you can use. Number one,

thank you for thinking of me. However,

this is something I am unable to do at this time because,

and then provide a simple reason for why you're saying no.

It doesn't have to be too personal, nor does it need to be in depth,

but there does need to be some simple reason for saying no.

A second way to say no is no,

I can't do X at this point in time. Right now I'm,

and then you might include what you're currently focused on or doing,

and a third option, I understand the urgency of your request.

Unfortunately,

I'm at full capacity and I can't take this on With those example phrases

in mind, I want to demonstrate how we would use them in two real life scenarios.

For this first example scenario,

I want you to imagine you have a neighbor who loves to mow their lawn or do yard

work at the most inconvenient times. In fact,

the loud noise regularly disrupts your meetings and your thinking time or

your work time to set a clear boundary and have a healthier

relationship with your neighbor. You might say this,

I would appreciate it if you didn't mow the lawn between 10:00 AM and

11:30 AM on weekdays,

the noise of your lawnmower is quite loud and it regularly disrupts my meetings.

Is there an alternative solution we can consider? In that example,

do you notice that I'm stating the clear boundary right away?

I'm providing a reason and I'm using IC centered language.

I also end with a polite request or a willingness to find some

alternative or some solution that works for both individuals involved.

I want to share with you a second situation to highlight how we would use these

phrases to set clear boundaries and for this situation,

I want you to imagine you have a coworker who has the tendency to push larger,

very time consuming tasks onto your plate at the very last minute

in order to put a stop to this ongoing problem.

It's important to communicate a boundary and here's how you could do that.

Thank you for thinking of me. However,

this is something I'm unable to take on right now due to my existing

commitments. If you need my help for any future projects,

please be sure to give me a heads up far in advance so that I can help

you accordingly. Again, in that example,

I've clearly stated the boundary.

I've provided a reason why and I've used I centered language.

Once you've communicated your boundary with clarity,

it's time to go on to step number four, reinforce your boundary.

What this means is to hold your ground after you've set a

boundary. In other words,

you don't give in to pressure to change or to be willing to

break your boundary. Just one more time.

This potential for allowing a boundary to be crossed again

and again and again is potentially true after setting a new

boundary with someone. As a result,

it's important to be ready to reinforce your boundary right from the start,

and when it comes to reinforcing your boundaries,

there are five things to keep in mind. Number one, be consistent.

Number two, share observations. Number three,

provide further clarity if necessary. Number four,

it's also important to provide next steps, and number five,

use affirm but polite tone.

If you find that you need to reinforce your boundary with someone because

there's the ongoing attempt to cross those boundaries,

it's important to share your observations and some context.

Let me give you some example phrases we can use in English to do that

effectively. The first one is I'm seeing X,

and it's important to me that for example,

I'm seeing that I'm continuing to get requests for last minute

tasks even though I've requested advanced notice.

It's important to me that I get those requests in advance so that I can help

as needed and still get my existing priorities accomplished

with that example statement,

using the language I'm seeing X that indicates what I'm

noticing or what my observations are,

and then I further communicate my boundary and why it's important.

A second phrase you could use might be,

I know we've talked about this in the past and I want to make it clear that,

and again, you would restate your boundary and why it's important.

A third option, I'm noticing X,

and I just want to remind you that this is very similar to the first one,

and a fourth option might be, it makes me uncomfortable when X,

please respect Y. Please respect this particular boundary.

Should this continue, I will need to,

and then you state what you might need to do, what action you may need to take.

These particular phrases can feel uncomfortable to communicate,

however, maintaining a polite firm tone can be helpful.

What I mean by that is the words we choose are firm. They're assertive,

but we're keeping our voice very calm, very neutral.

There's no sound of anger or frustration in our tone of voice.

By maintaining that calm, neutral tone,

we reduce any potential extra tension or friction in the

situation.

I want to demonstrate this final step of reinforcing a boundary with

two final example situations. In the first situation,

I want you to imagine a friend constantly making jokes about someone's

weight,

and perhaps in the past that individual has made it clear that those jokes

really hurt their feelings, and yet the jokes persist.

They continue to reinforce a boundary.

Here's what you might say, Hey,

I know we've talked about this in the past and I'm noticing that comments about

my weight haven't stopped. I want to make it clear that this isn't okay with me.

I understand they're intended as jokes, but they really hurt my feelings,

and if this continues, I will not continue our friendship. In that example,

I'm maintaining consistency by reiterating or restating a boundary.

I've said in the past,

I'm also indicating what observations I have and providing more clarity,

and while the language is firm, I'm maintaining a polite, neutral tone,

trying to keep out any additional strong emotions so that I can

communicate in a polite, assertive way. And finally,

I include next steps in case they're necessary.

Let's take a look at one more example of how we might use this language to

reinforce boundaries, and this time we'll focus on a professional circumstance.

Perhaps you have a coworker who continues to be late on deadlines

and late for meetings despite having a clear boundary set in the past,

and this individual has made it clear that there aren't any factors

affecting her time management.

To follow up on a conversation and reiterate this time

boundary, here's what you could say,

I'm noticing a continued pattern of arriving late for meetings and

missing deadlines.

I want to remind you that the dates and times of our meetings and

our deadlines are crucial to our company's goals and success.

Should this continue, I will need to act in the best interests of our team,

and please let me know if there's anything you need from me to help manage time

more effectively. With that,

you have four practical steps to help you set clear boundaries

in relationships in English,

and you have example phrases to help you along the way.

To finish this lesson, I have one question for you.

I'd love to know what strategies and phrases are most useful to you

as you contemplate how to set boundaries in relationships in English.

You might have a situation happening in your personal or a professional life

right now in which you need to set a clear boundary.

If you do and you want to practice,

you can certainly share what you might like to say in the comments below.

I encourage you to try using some of the phrases that I've shared here or

even follow the examples I've shared as templates,

and if you found this lesson helpful to you, I would love to know.

You can tell me in one very simple way.

You can give this lesson a thumbs up here on YouTube, and while you're at it,

don't forget to subscribe to the Speak Confident English Channel so you never

miss one of my Confident English lessons. Thank you so much for joining me,

and I look forward to seeing you next time.