What to Say When Someone is Rude in English (with 4 Simple Strategies)

658,806 views ・ 2019-01-16

Speak Confident English


Please double-click on the English subtitles below to play the video.

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Hey, it's Anne Marie with Speak Confident
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English and I want to start with a question today.
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Do you remember the last time that you had a terrible night and you didn't get
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any sleep; the next day at work your colleague
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says, "you look terrible." How did that make
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you feel? That comment is pretty shocking and
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surprising and probably the last thing that you want to hear.
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Or what about that time that you just sat down to enjoy dinner and someone
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says, "should you really be eating that?"
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Again, it's probably not what you want to hear
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and it definitely didn't make you feel good.
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And finally, have you ever tried to communicate in
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English? You're trying to express yourself or
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deal with a complicated situation like talking to an accountant in English and
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the other person starts to get impatient,
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frustrated, and even rude with you in those
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situations, what did you do?
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Did you just panic and say nothing? Or maybe you're like me and after you
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walk away from the situation and you have a little bit of time,
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you think of the perfect thing that you should have said,
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but you didn't have those words in the moment.
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In today's lesson, we're going to talk about what you can
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say or what you should say when someone is rude to you in English.
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Now to make this easy, we're going to look at four simple
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strategies that you can use to deal with rude situations or rude people and the
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language that you can use as well. But before we get into those four
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strategies, I want to talk specifically about
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situations when someone is rude to you because you're trying to express
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yourself in English and it isn't easy or it's not happening very quickly.
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For example, recently I had a student who was at the
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DMV or the department of motor vehicles in the United States.
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That's where we go to get our driver's license and pay for our car
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registration. No one likes going to the DMV and my
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student was having a really hard time communicating and the woman she was
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talking with got impatient and rude, and in the end my student felt terrible
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and you have maybe had a similar situation.
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In those moments, we often feel terrible,
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discouraged, and we lose our confidence,
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but I want you to remember one really important thing:
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Learning and using another language is really challenging and brave.
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The truth is that other person has probably never learned another language.
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They have no idea what it means to communicate in another language and how
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hard it can be to find the words that you really want to say in those
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situations. I want to give you the tools that will
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help you stay calm, think clearly,
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keep your confidence and know exactly what to say.
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In fact, those situations are a great opportunity
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to remind that person that using another language is pretty difficult and it
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takes a lot of courage. In English,
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we have an expression that we all learn as children:
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"If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." And I
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think this is the perfect situation to remind someone of that important
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expression, so the next time you're trying to
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communicate, trying to express yourself in English
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and the other person starts to get a little impatient or rude.
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Here are two great things that you can say.
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Number one, "I really appreciate your patience.
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It's difficult to communicate in another language." And number two,
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"thanks for your kindness. It isn't easy to say what I want in
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English." With both of those examples, you're staying in control of the
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situation and using confident, assertive language that reminds the
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other person of that important expression they learned as a child.
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If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
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Then when the conversation is over, you can walk away and forget everything
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that other person said because the truth is it doesn't matter.
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It doesn't matter what a stranger thinks about you.
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You did the right thing and you can walk away being a hundred percent sure that
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what you said was the right thing to say in English.
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Now, in addition to people sometimes being
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really rude when we're trying to express ourselves in another language,
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the reality is there are moments that happen all the time when our best
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friend, our sister,
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our spouse, a child,
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a neighbor or a stranger is rude to us.
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Sometimes they know that they're being rude and other times they have no idea.
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So today I want to focus on four strategies that you can use to deal with
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those situations and give you the language that you need to do it with
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confidence. Strategy number one,
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kill them with kindness. I love that expression and this is my
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favorite strategy. To kill someone with kindness means to
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be so polite and so nice that their rudeness becomes really obvious.
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So how do you kill someone with kindness?
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The first part is showing empathy, recognizing that that person might be
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having a really bad day and that's why they're being rude.
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It really has nothing to do with you. They're just in a bad place.
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So here are some things that you can say in that situation.
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It seems like you might be having a really bad day because you don't
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normally say things like that.
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If you need anything, I'm here.
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I'm not going to take what you just said personally because you don't normally
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say things like that. Maybe you're just having a really bad
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day and I'll chat with you tomorrow. In both of those examples,
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instead of focusing on the negative or rude comment and taking it personally
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and getting upset, you're focusing on the other person.
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You're being empathetic and caring and recognizing that maybe they're just
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having the worst day. This strategy is particularly helpful
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with friends, family members,
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and even coworkers, anyone that you would need to have a
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healthy, strong relationship with.
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Now, if you want more examples of what you
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could say to kill someone with kindness, I've got several more for you in the
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online lesson, so be sure to check it out after you
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watched this video. Strategy number two,
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educate and enlighten. The truth is sometimes people say things
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and they have no idea that it was disrespectful,
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rude, or offensive.
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So in those moments we can let them know kindly that what they said really wasn't
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appropriate or it was just rude, but we'll do it in a really polite way.
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For example, I'm not sure if you realize this,
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but what you just said was pretty rude or you know when you say things like
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that, it can be really offensive.
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Those simple statements let the other person know that what they said really
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wasn't okay. If you want more examples of how to
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kindly and simply educate and enlighten someone,
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there are more examples for you in the online lesson,
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but let's move on to strategy number three.
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Be calm and assertive. Truthfully,
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being calm should be your first priority in all of these strategies and if you
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need to, when someone says something really rude,
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just take a moment. Take a deep breath,
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count to 10 so that you can think clearly about what you want to say and
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how you want to respond.
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And then you can use one of these strategies or use an assertive statement
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like: when you say things like that,
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I don't want to continue this conversation with you.
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Or when you interrupt me because I'm trying to express myself in English,
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which isn't easy, I feel really disrespected now if you
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want to get more in depth about how to be assertive in English and why it's an
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important skill to have, I have a full lesson on that topic and
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I'll leave a link to that lesson in the notes just below this video.
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And of course you'll also find more examples of how to stay calm and be
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assertive in the online lesson. And finally,
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strategy number four, shut it down.
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The truth is sometimes we try to handle rude situations and rude people with all
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of these polite strategies and they don't work.
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That person continues to be rude and inappropriate,
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and at that point we have to be very direct,
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clear and shut it down or put a stop to it.
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These examples are particularly helpful when you're communicating with a
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stranger or someone in a public place. You want to shut it down and walk away.
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Number one, that's really rude and I don't need to
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listen to it. Number two,
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I don't tolerate rude behavior or rude comments.
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I'm not going to continue this conversation.
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And number three, I think we need to agree to disagree and
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end this conversation here. With any of those examples,
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you shut down the opportunity for that rudeness to continue and the most
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important thing after you say it, is to calmly and confidently walk away
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knowing that you've done the right thing.
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Now, as always,
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the best way to immediately learn how to use this language and feel comfortable
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with it is to practice, and I do have some challenge questions
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for you today, but before I share those challenge
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questions, if you found this lesson helpful to you,
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I would love to know, and there are three really great ways
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that you can tell me.
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Number one, give this video a thumbs up on YouTube
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and subscribe to this channel so you never miss a future.
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Lesson. Number two,
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share it with friends and colleagues on Facebook.
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Maybe you have someone that you work with that also needs a little bit of
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help with how to deal with situations in English.
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And finally be sure to share your comments and questions with me.
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You can do that in the comment section at the end of the online lesson.
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So let's get to those challenge questions.
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Using the strategies and the language that you've learned today,
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what would you say when a colleague sits down next to you at lunch and says,
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should you really be eating that? Situation number two,
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you just got a new haircut and you're kind of nervous about it because it's
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really different and then your best friend sees you and she says,
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oh my God, I hope you didn't have to pay for that
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haircut.
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It's terrible. What would you say?
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And finally number three, you're trying to organize some kind of
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team building event at work and you want to make everyone happy.
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You want to make sure it's really fun, but you have a colleague who comes to
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you and says, why are you making such a big deal about
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this? You're always so dramatic and fussy
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about everything. Take some time to review the strategies
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and the language that you've learned today and tell me how you would respond
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in each of those situations. You can do that again at the end of the
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online lesson. It's the best place to share with me,
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get feedback and learn from others in the Confident English community.
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With that, thank you so much for joining me this
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week and I'll see you next time for your confident English lesson.
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