Be Direct and Polite in English with Assertive Communication | 5 Tips

Let's imagine you're out to dinner with a group of friends.

You've been looking forward to this all week.

The waiter finally brings your meal and it's not what you ordered.

There are two ways you can respond in this situation. Option one,

excuse me. I wonder if maybe there's been a mistake with this order. If not,

don't worry about it and option two, excuse me,

I believe there's been a mistake with this order.

I ordered the pasta with mushrooms, not the mushroom pizza.

Do you notice that one response is more direct and confident than the other?

The passive example places someone else's comfort above

your own needs,

while the assertive response commonly and confidently states

what you need or what you want without any negative emotion.

So how can you confidently be assertive in English when you need to be

direct, clear, and polite whether you're sharing your needs, wants,

or ideas?

I have five specific strategies plus the language and sentence structures

you need to help you do just that.

But quickly, if this is your first time here, welcome. I am Annemarie,

an English confidence and fluency coach.

Everything I do is designed to help you get the confidence you want for your

life and work in English.

If you'd love to discover hundreds of my English lessons just like this one,

you can find all of that and more over at my Speak Confident English website.

In fact, while you're there,

you can also download my free in-depth fluency training called How to Get the

Confidence to Say What You Want in English. Now,

before we dive into these five strategies on how to be assertive in your

English,

I want to take a step back and make sure that we're crystal clear about the

difference between passive and assertive communication and how both can be

useful. Moreover,

I want to distinguish the difference between assertive and aggressive

communication so that you can be confident knowing that when you communicate

assertively, it's still perfectly polite and appropriate. So first,

let's talk about what exactly is passive communication.

We use this form of communication when a situation demands

extremely polite and diplomatic communication or when it's vital

to maintain a harmonious atmosphere. However,

passive communication can also lead to prioritizing

others' needs, wants and opinions above your own. Moreover,

it can sound submissive or overly polite,

avoiding confrontation even at the cost of your own needs.

In contrast to that,

assertive communication means calmly and confidently stating your

needs, wants and opinions even in difficult situations.

It allows you to stand up for yourself while still respecting others and

it enables you to say no without feeling guilty.

Assertiveness is all about finding balance between being respectful

and ensuring that your voice is heard. To bring this all into focus,

let's take a look at two example sentences. Let's say, for example,

that you're in the process of asking for a pay raise. Again,

you have two ways to do this. Option one,

I don't know if it's okay to ask,

but I was wondering if I could get a pay raise and option two,

I would like to discuss a possible pay raise.

I believe my contributions and skills warrant a raise at this time.

Do you notice that that passive response indicates hesitation and a lack of

confidence? It also avoids stating what your needs or wants are.

The assertive response however, is clear, direct and respectful.

It communicates your needs confidently while maintaining professionalism.

Now, all of that may be easier said than done.

I know assertive communication can be uncomfortable. In fact, to be honest,

it's occasionally difficult for me as well. Like me,

you might worry that assertive communication is rude or impolite,

but let me assure you, it is not to help.

I want to clarify the difference between assertive and aggressive

communication.

Assertive communication says I matter and so do you.

It's about communicating your thoughts and your needs clearly and respectfully.

When communicating assertively,

you keep your tone and volume calm and you make sure the focus

is on ensuring that both parties or all parties involved in the

conversation are heard. On top of all of that,

maintaining eye contact with your steady tone enhances your assertiveness,

indicating confidence without intimidation.

Aggressive communication on the other hand, says I matter and you don't.

It involves expressing your needs and wants in a way that dismisses others.

This might include speaking loudly, rudely, or insensitively,

leading to confrontation as opposed to resolution.

With all of that in mind,

here are three distinct situations in which assertive communication

is most appropriate. Number one, protecting your rights.

This could include standing up to discrimination, rude comments,

or saying no to things that take up your time and energy.

Situation two is communicating effectively. For example,

if you want to share a different opinion or express concern in a

discussion, and the third situation is maintaining self-confidence.

In other words,

when you want to advocate for your needs or set boundaries to maintain your

well-being. To do that,

here are five strategies for effective assertive communication

strategy. Number one, use I language.

Using I language puts the focus on your needs and wants rather

than what someone else might be doing wrong.

This avoids placing blame and reduces the potential for conflict.

For example,

instead of saying it would be helpful if you took on this task,

you could make a small change and say,

I would appreciate it if you took on this task.

These two sentences might sound very similar, and in truth they are,

but there is a little distinction between them.

The first one has this feeling that there is an insinuation,

an assumption that this particular individual hasn't been helpful

and doesn't want to be helpful,

whereas the second sentence simply states what you would like to see happen.

No judgment, no blame, no assumptions.

Strategy number two is to use empowering language.

This means to avoid words that weaken your message such as just,

I'm sorry,

and I guess using these words can undermine your confidence and

make you seem uncertain. For example, instead of saying,

sorry for bothering you, but could I have my ladder back?

You can say this instead,

I need to get my ladder back to finish painting my home.

When would be a good time for me to pick it up?

Strategy number three to communicate in an assertive way is to be direct. Now,

to be direct, you can avoid using words such as could and might.

These modals can make a request sound tentative. Now,

to be clear,

there is absolutely a time and place to use modals English speakers.

Use them often for polite requests. However,

if you need to make a request and indicate that there is no wiggle room about

it, that it is a direct need, here's how you can do that.

Instead of saying,

I was wondering if you could send me an update by the end of the day,

you can say this instead, will you send me an update by the end of the day?

Strategy number four is to set clear boundaries.

This means to be clear about what you will and will not do without

over explaining or apologizing.

This is particularly important when communicating with others who tend to be

pushy or overstep your boundaries. For example,

instead of saying, I'm so sorry, but I don't think I can meet you on Friday,

you can say this instead, I can meet you on Saturday,

but Friday won't work for me this week. Now in that example,

you may have noticed that my alternative included a proposed solution,

and this is really helpful when setting those boundaries. For example,

if you need to decline an invitation,

providing that alternative sends the message that you're interested in

maintaining the relationship, but also puts in place some clear limits.

And now strategy number five, use scripts and rehearse.

If you find it challenging to be assertive,

writing a script and practicing it out loud in advance can be a

powerful tool.

Not only can scripts help you prepare for real life situations,

making it easier to be assertive in the moment when you need to be,

it also gets you more comfortable with this language. For this,

let's take a look at an example script together.

I want you to imagine that you are overwhelmed at work and you need to ask a

colleague for assistance,

but you're struggling with how to word that before you approach

the conversation. You could try a script like this.

Thank you so much for your support.

I'm currently managing several other tasks that require my full attention and

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with my workload right now. Unfortunately,

I won't be able to complete this project on time without some help.

I would really appreciate your assistance with, and then name the specific task.

Now, something about rehearsing scripts,

I don't want you to memorize it word for word.

Memorizing leads to sounding like it is memorized in the

moment, not like a real conversation. Instead,

here's how you can approach using a script and rehearsing so that you feel

comfortable saying what you need to say in the moment. First,

go ahead and write out a script, just like the example I've shared with you,

and then rather than reading it out loud,

I want you to have those notes in front of you,

but practice looking in the mirror, practice maintaining eye contact, practice,

keeping a very calm,

relaxed tone of voice and volume and say what you need to say

out loud. It's okay if it doesn't perfectly match what you wrote down.

You're just using your notes,

your script as a guide and you can stop at any point. Go back,

look at those notes and do it again. The more you practice,

the more comfortable you'll get with that language,

and you'll also find a variety of ways to say what you need to say

with assertive language. While doing so,

you now have five proven strategies to be assertive in

English, ensuring that your needs, your wants,

and your opinions are heard while also respecting others.

So now I want to hear from you.

Which one of these strategies are you going to try first,

I would love to hear from you and you can always share your comments and your

questions with me down in the comments below.

If you found this lesson helpful to you,

I would love to know and you can tell me in two very simple ways. Number one,

give this lesson a thumbs up here on YouTube and while you're at it,

make sure you subscribe so you never miss one of my Confident English lessons.

And number two,

you can share a comment with me down below or go on over to my Speak Confident

English website where you'll find this lesson and many resources

for me,

including my in-depth fluency training called How to Get the Confidence

to Say What You Want.

Thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you next time.