How to Control the Conversation in English & Avoid Uncomfortable Questions

Hey, it's Annemarie with Speak Confident English, and I have a question for you.

Have you ever been caught off guard or felt shocked by an unexpected

uncomfortable question that was controversial or too personal?

For example, a coworker asking, so who are you gonna vote for?

Or Why don't you have kids? Why'd you move here?

Or perhaps you were part of a conversation that took a turn toward a topic you

didn't wanna participate in, such as politics or gossip.

If you've ever felt stuck and frustrated because you didn't know what to do

in that situation, I want you to know you're not alone. In fact,

I recently received an email with a request for this very topic.

Here's what Lisa said, Annemarie,

I would love to see more videos on dealing with difficult people and how to

steer a conversation from uncomfortable subjects like politics

or speaking ill of someone.

The key to dealing with difficult people and uncomfortable topics is

knowing how to control the conversation. In this Confident English lesson,

you're going to learn three practical strategies you can use to control

conversations in English,

and I'll share phrases you can use to help you do that.

As a result,

you'll know exactly how to answer those questions if you want to,

how to change the topic to something more appropriate,

and how to be clear about your boundaries with an assertive tone

so that you can bring that conversation to an end.

But first, if you don't already know,

I'm Annemarie an English confidence and fluency coach.

Everything I do is designed to help you get the confidence you want for your

life and work in English.

One way I do that is by sharing these Confident English lessons every week.

So while you're here,

make sure you subscribe to my Speak Confident English Channel on YouTube so you

never miss one of these Confident English lessons. Now,

I don't know about you, but for me in my second language,

there's something that happens when an uncomfortable question comes up that

makes me panic and freeze. I don't know what to do,

but it's important to remember that you do not need to answer a question that

makes you uncomfortable,

and you have the power to decide how

and where to steer a conversation.

To steer a conversation means to regain control and manage

the direction of the conversation. To do that,

there are three strategies you can use. Number one,

you can use curiosity to better understand why the question was asked in

the first place. Number two,

you can redirect the conversation by changing the topic.

And number three, you can communicate your boundaries with an assertive tone.

To bring that topic to an end,

let's take a look at each one of those strategies in depth. So first,

use curiosity to better understand why someone is asking

you this uncomfortable question. Without a doubt,

there are some questions that are simply rude,

and there are people who don't care about personal boundaries or are

intentionally aggressive. In those situations,

it's best to change the topic or immediately bring the

conversation to an end by asserting your boundaries,

and we're gonna talk about that in strategies two and three. However,

sometimes people ask questions out of genuine curiosity,

they want to know more about who you are,

and perhaps they just didn't know how to ask the question appropriately.

It came out wrong, and as a result it sounded aggressive,

personal or controversial.

And sometimes people ask questions because what they really want is

to discuss a difficult situation they're dealing with. For example,

it may be a coworker who's struggling to recreate work-life balance

as a new mom. She doesn't know who to talk to,

so she's looking for someone who has that shared experience

and to identify who she might be able to speak to,

she asks a question that comes across as too personal.

One way to control the conversation and have the power to decide if

you want to answer the question is to use curiosity to get more

detail and better understand the purpose of the question.

To do this,

you can acknowledge the question and then return it back to the individual

or simply ask why, for example, that's interesting. Why are you asking me that?

Or, that's an unexpected question. I'd like to know why you're asking.

Can I ask why you want to know? Good question, but you first,

why did you move here? That's a difficult question to answer,

is that's something you're struggling with?

Each one of those questions will give you details so that you can decide,

was this question asked with genuine curiosity and do you want

to continue? Do you want to answer and engage in this conversation?

If not,

you could use strategies two or three to either change the topic or bring it

to an end. Now, before we move on to strategy two,

I do want to go back and say those examples again,

and in doing so,

I want you to pay attention to the sound of my voice and the intonation I'm

using. Wow, that's an unexpected question. I'm curious,

why do you want to know? That's an interesting question.

I'm curious why you're asking.

Do you notice that I'm maintaining a higher tone of voice and I'm using

rising intonation? That's an interesting question. Why are you asking?

This?

Combination of a higher tone in rising intonation indicates

curiosity and interest.

It also maintains an open friendly feeling in the conversation while

you determine whether or not this is a question you want to answer.

Furthermore, by asking these questions,

you'll give the speaker an opportunity to explain why they've asked this

question.

It'll help you understand the intent and give you the power

to decide whether or not you want to continue.

You might realize that the question was asked with genuine interest and decide

to continue, or you may want to go on to strategy Number two,

redirect the conversation by changing the topic.

If a conversation takes an undesirable turn and touches on topics that

are sensitive, controversial, or inappropriate,

you can redirect the conversation and to do this,

we use a simple method of acknowledging and pivoting.

This means you acknowledge the topic that was just brought up or the topic

of the question, and then you smoothly transition to something else.

You could transition, for example, to a recent event,

a shared interest or a positive experience,

whatever you might be more interested and comfortable with discussing.

For example, you could say, that's an interesting point.

Speaking of which have you heard about and then insert a new topic

or Good question, but I'm not really into politics.

What I do want to talk about is your recent trip to Slovenia.

I know you just got back from vacation. How was it?

If someone you know asks when you're having kids, you could say,

we'll let you know when we decide. Speaking of kids and family,

did you know they're reopening the old theater in our neighborhood?

I'm so excited to go back and eager to see how they've remodeled the theater.

Did you go often before it closed? Or, for example,

if a coworker asks, why haven't you gotten married yet? You could say,

thanks for asking, but I don't usually share my personal life at work. Oh,

but I did want to ask you about the presentation you gave last week.

I know you were anxious about it. How'd it go? In each one of those examples,

there was an acknowledgement of the topic or the question that was asked,

and then I just changed to something new. In some cases,

it might be a topic that is somehow related,

and in others it might be a completely new topic.

The key to doing this successfully is having some transitional language,

for example, speaking of speaking of kids and family or, oh,

I wanted to ask you,

here are a few more examples of transitional language we can use for an

effective acknowledgement and pivot. Sorry to change the topic,

but I just thought of something I wanted to ask you before I forget.

I wanted to ask you something. Oh,

remember how I mentioned by the way, before I forget,

let's circle back to, and I don't mean to cut you off,

but earlier you mentioned you may have noticed that in all those

examples, I'm still maintaining a tone of voice that is neutral,

open, and friendly.

You can't really hear feelings of anger or frustration,

and I'm still using rising intonation at the end of those questions to

demonstrate curiosity and to help make that transition,

listen again to one example. Thanks for asking,

but I don't usually discuss my personal life at work. Oh,

but I did want to ask you about the presentation you gave last week.

How'd it go? Now,

if someone doesn't allow you to transition to a new topic,

or if it's a question that's so rude,

so inappropriate that you immediately want to put an end to it,

it's time to be clear about your boundaries with an assertive tone.

Let's go on to strategy number three.

Establishing a boundary with someone else means that you make it clear what is

and isn't acceptable to you, and when we communicate our boundaries,

it's important to make them clear so there's no room for

interpretation. Now, if this is a topic of interest to you,

I do have an in-depth lesson on how to establish boundaries

for healthy relationships with others,

and I'll share a link to that lesson in the notes below the video.

For the purposes of this lesson on how to control the conversation,

I want to look at three ways you can be clear about your boundaries.

The first option is to address the situation or address the topic

with soft diplomatic language. For example,

I'm so sorry, I don't feel comfortable talking about this.

Could we talk about something else? I respect your opinion,

but I'd rather not talk about this here. Sorry,

I don't feel comfortable talking about this and I'd really appreciate it if we

don't bring this up at work. Thank you for asking.

I'd rather not discuss this because I don't feel comfortable sharing my personal

thoughts and feelings on this. To be honest,

I don't have much to contribute to this topic. Can we talk about something else?

You know, I don't like talking about people who can't defend themselves.

Since Susan isn't here to share her side of the story,

I'd rather not talk about it.

Your second option to politely and assertively communicate your

boundaries is to be direct about your discomfort,

for example. That's a bit too forward.

I don't feel comfortable answering that. That's too personal.

I'd rather not answer that question.

I don't think that's an appropriate conversation for the workplace. And lastly,

I'm not comfortable going into detail about that.

The third way to be clear about your boundaries is to openly share your

frustration and disapproval. To do that, you might say,

that's inappropriate. I won't answer that question,

or That's a rude question. Please don't ask me that again.

And lastly, we both know this question isn't okay to ask.

I'm sure you know better.

Have you noticed that in discussing strategy number three,

communicating boundaries with assertiveness,

the tone of my voice has changed, it's lower,

and I use falling intonation at the end of my sentences.

Doing so communicates seriousness and confidence

or certainty in my position.

Not only do my words communicate that I disapprove of a particular

question or topic of conversation,

but my voice also communicates that message.

It lets others know that I'm serious and I'm confident in my position.

Listen again to two examples so that you really hear that difference.

I don't think this is an appropriate conversation for the workplace.

Thanks for asking, but I'm not comfortable answering that question.

Before we finish this lesson on how to control the conversation,

I do want to acknowledge that you could also use humor to steer the

conversation and communicate your boundaries. In fact,

humor can be a powerful tool for controlling the conversation,

helping you redirect to a new topic and diffuse any

friction or tension that came up due to an inappropriate question or

unfortunate turn in the conversation. However,

I recommend using humor with caution. First,

you want to make sure that the context is appropriate for a humorous response.

And number two,

you also want to make sure that you're able to maintain control over your voice

using a friendly tone. For example,

let's say that you're out having lunch or dinner with some of your coworkers,

and in the conversation someone asks a question that's just too personal.

For example, who are you going to vote for? Or why don't you have kids?

Here's how you could use a humorous response. Hmm,

that's for me to know and you to never find out,

or wouldn't you like to know a third option? Hmm,

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to leave you in suspense forever.

And a fourth option. Oh, that's the million dollar question, isn't it?

But let's get two more important issues like what are you gonna order for dinner

to recap everything that you've learned here today,

I want to start by underscoring the fact that you do not need to answer any

question that makes you uncomfortable,

and you can choose from all of these strategies so that

you're in control. You have the power to decide what to do.

You can decide if you want to find out a little bit more and maybe answer the

question,

or you can acknowledge the topic of conversation and simply switch to

a new one.

You can also be assertive in communicating what is and isn't

acceptable to you, bringing an end to the conversation. With that,

I would love to hear from you.

I want you to think back to situations in which someone asked you an

inappropriate question. How did you handle that situation?

Was there a strategy you used that helped you maintain control of the

conversation? If so,

I would love for you to share that strategy with others here in the Confident

English community. My second question is,

based on what you've learned today,

how will you handle uncomfortable questions or topics of conversations going

forward? As always,

you can share your thoughts and questions with me in the comment section below.

If you found today's lesson helpful, I would love to know,

and you can tell me in one super simple way.

Give this lesson a thumbs up here on YouTube, and while you're at it,

make sure you subscribe so you never miss one of my Confident English lessons.

Thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you next time.