Deal with a Difficult Boss in English

Have you ever been steamrolled by your boss?

To be steamrolled in the literal sense means to be flattened or

crushed by something that overpowers you. In the figurative sense,

it might be the feeling of being flattened,

crushed or defeated by someone else. A month ago,

Mary left this comment on one of my other Confident English lessons.

"I'm dealing with a boss who gets impatient with me when I'm trying to explain

myself, English is my second language. I get very nervous.

Every time I have a meeting with her and it is worse when I know that my

colleagues are attending the meetings to my heart starts pounding and my hands

get very sweaty." When I read that comment,

the first word that came to mind is that word steamrolled,

the feeling of being steamrolled. When others don't give us the space,

we need to organize our thoughts and say what we need to say.

So what's the solution.

When you're trying to organize your thoughts or put your words together in

English, how can you avoid getting steamrolled by others?

If you don't already know I'm Annemarie was Speak Confident English.

This is exactly where you want to be every week to get the confidence you want

for your life and work in English. With this Confident English lesson today,

you'll be able to overcome that anxiety,

that pounding heart and those sweaty hands.

You'll also be able to comfortably open a dialogue with your boss and

clearly communicate your thoughts all by effectively

managing frustration and impatience.

Let's take a look.

At six different strategies you can use to do all of that.

These strategies can be used individually or in combination.

And I'll share with you some essential phrases to keep in your back pocket.

Strategy number one is breathe and buy yourself some

time.

This is definitely a strategy my Fluency School students should be familiar

with. When we feel that others are getting impatient or frustrated,

panic starts to kick in.

And when we panic or feel increased anxiety,

we tend to lose our train of thought.

We lose our ability to organize information clearly in our minds.

The best way to mitigate this situation is to breathe.

When we breathe appropriately, when we use deep breathing techniques,

we can calm our anxiety and improve our ability to think

clearly, while you do all of this,

you can also buy yourself some time.

What that means is you say something

so it seems like you're beginning to answer a question. While,

at that moment,

you are breathing deeply and quickly organizing your thoughts.

So you're able to express them.

Here's a great phrase to use when you need to breathe and by yourself just a

moment to think. That's a really interesting question.

Give me just a second to think about it. Again, as you say those words,

your listeners have the impression that you're beginning to answer the question,

but what you're really doing is giving your brain an extra moment to think

about what it is you want to say. Alternatively,

if you feel the pressure to answer immediately without any extra time

to think embrace pauses.

What that means is when someone asks you a question,

instead of immediately rushing into answer,

allow yourself a moment to just pause.

It seems uncomfortable the first time you do it,

because what that means is there's just a moment of silence, silence,

but a brief pause allow you the time to breathe.

It gives you a moment to clarify the thoughts in your head.

And when you begin to answer the question,

you will be clear and you will sound thoughtful or intentional.

Let me give you an example of what that looks like.

I'll start first with an easy question. Annemarie,

how did you meet your husband? Oh,

we met over 20 years ago when I was living in Prague...

Do you notice that I immediately started answering the question that's because

it's an easy one for me. I know that story really well.

And I've told it many times. But if you ask me a question,

that's more difficult.

A question where I would like to have a little bit of time to just organize a

few thoughts. Here's what that would look like. Annemarie,

what are your future goals for Speak Confident English? That's a really

great question. And it's a question that I think about a lot...

Do you notice in that moment I did a few things:

I briefly paused.

I gave myself a moment to breathe and I bought myself some time

by acknowledging that it's a good question and saying that it's something I've

thought about a lot.

I'm not directly answering your question right away.

I'm breathing, pausing and buying myself some time.

And while I'm doing all of that,

my brain is working to organize my thoughts so that I can answer your question

clearly. Strategy number two,

for dealing with difficult bosses and managing frustration or

impatience is to lead with your end point.

When you're dealing with someone who's impatient for a response,

it's important to be concise and communicate your ideas clearly.

The best way to do that is to immediately state your main point or your

end point. The final goal of everything you're going to say.

Again, let me give you an example.

Step one is to make the dough with water and flour.

Next step two is to make the pizza sauce. Next start step three,

which is to cut up all the vegetables and get your cheese ready and finally roll

out the dough, put all your toppings on and put the pizza in the oven.

Did that seem a little bit strange to you?

You probably figured out that I was giving you some very basic steps for making

a pizza, but in the first moment you probably thought,

what is she talking about?

And what is the point of what she's saying?

I didn't give you my main point or my end point at the very beginning.

So let me go back and fix that.

If we're having a conversation about cooking or how to make a pizza,

and I want to start with my end point so that everything I say is clear to

you, then I would start with:

There are four simple steps to making a good pizza step number one is...

And then I can continue. By starting with that end point,

you make the purpose of what you want to say clear from the very

beginning and you help to prevent potential

impatience or frustration.

Strategy number three is to embrace the power of

writing. Sometimes the more we try to explain something,

the easier is to get lost in translation. In the end,

you might feel frustrated and others listening to you might feel frustrated or

impatient as well.

If you're feeling particularly anxious or you don't yet have the

confidence,

you need to clearly articulate your thoughts and it's appropriate.

You can always request to share your thoughts in writing.

And here's a simple way to do that.

If someone asks a question and they're waiting for you to respond,

you could say,

I would love to give you a clear picture and explain my thoughts in detail.

Do you mind if I do that in writing and get back to you by email this afternoon?

Now I want to reiterate this isn't always a possible solution.

There are times in discussions where you have to respond in the moment,

but if you're having a one-on-one with your boss and it's not an urgent

situation, this is definitely something you can consider. Step number four,

to help prevent frustration or impatience in a conversation while you're

organizing your thoughts is to ask clarifying questions.

We do that by repeating back what was said,

based on our understanding and asking whether our understanding is

accurate. Asking clarifying questions does two things really well.

Number one, it shows that you're actively listening,

trying to understand what the speaker has said,

and it helps to prevent misunderstandings to get you started.

Here are a few great ways to start a clarifying question. Number one,

just to clarify, you're asking me to...

And then repeat what you understand or what you heard the speaker say.

Number two. I'd like to make sure I understand you clearly. You said...

And then again, repeat back what you heard or understood.

Number three, I'd like to go back to something you said a moment ago.

Could you explain what you meant by...? Now, you may be thinking, but Annemarie,

that's the problem. When I ask clarifying questions,

my boss gets frustrated with me and that leads me to strategy number five:

reframe the conversation.

This is a little similar to leading with your end point.

Let me explain what I mean.

If someone is already feeling impatient, frustrated,

or they're rushing you, you asking more questions,

might increase those negative feelings.

But we can reduce that negativity and open the door for more dialogue

by reframing the conversation,

rather than focusing on not understanding what was said or

needing clarification.

You want to focus on the fact that you want to do your job

perfectly well.

You want to deliver a product that is exactly what your boss or your coworker

wants. And by starting with that focus in mind,

it will encourage your boss or your coworkers to be open to

questions. Let me give you a concrete example of what I mean.

Let's say that your boss is asking you to deliver a budget analysis,

but you have some questions about it. Instead of saying,

I have a few questions for you. You could start with this. Okay, Susan,

that sounds great.

I'd like to ask just two questions so that I can be a hundred percent sure to

give you an analysis that is laid out exactly the way you want it.

For someone who is already impatient or frustrated by

reframing the conversation in this way,

you are helping them justify the extra time that might be needed

to answer those questions because your boss of course wants the final

product to be exactly what she's looking for.

And it is in her interest to help you do that.

And now strategy number six on our list for dealing with a difficult boss

or someone who is steamrolling you through impatience and

frustration address the issue.

I know that when we're communicating in a second language,

we naturally assume that others are impatient or frustrated with

us because we're taking too long to think, or we're not clear when we speak.

But the reality is that isn't always the truth.

Someone else's frustration or impatience might be something totally unrelated to

you, something that's causing stress outside of work.

It may be a lack of communication in general,

unexpressed expectations,

or maybe it's simply your boss's working style and personality.

And everyone feels that the boss is impatient or frustrated.

If that's the case,

or if all of the other strategies you've tried have failed and you still feel

steamrolled, here's what you can do.

Request an opportunity to have a conversation with your boss

and address the issue. I recommend that you do that in writing,

using a quick email, and here are a couple of ways you can make that request.

I've noticed some difficulty in communicating my thoughts clearly,

would you mind sparing a few minutes to meet with me and help me understand how

I can best communicate my thoughts to you? In that conversation,

you might discover a new way of expressing yourself or a new way to

share what you're thinking.

And now let's talk about a second way to request a meeting, but to do that,

let's create a context.

Let's say that you've been working on a project and there has been a lot of back

and forth.

Clearly there are some misunderstandings and as a result,

there's increased frustration in a quick email to your boss,

you could say I've reviewed your changes and suggestions.

To ensure that this project moves forward smoothly,

would you mind taking a few minutes to meet with me and share your expectations

in that conversation?

The goal is to open a dialogue so that you clearly understand the

expectations and have an opportunity to respond so that you can move

forward on the project successfully.

And with that you have six different strategies for dealing with a difficult

boss or handling others who are impatient or frustrated while you're

trying to communicate what you want to say. Before we finish,

I'd love to ask you two questions. Number one,

how do you typically handle situations when others are impatient or frustrated?

If you have a strategy that has been successful for you definitely share it in

the comments below your strategy might be exactly what someone

else in the Confident English community is looking for. And question number two,

now that you're equipped with these new strategies,

which one do you see yourself using going forward?

Is there a strategy that stood out to you the most? Again,

you can share with me in the comments below,

if you found today's lesson useful, I would love to know.

You can tell me in one very simple way,

give this lesson a thumbs up here on YouTube and subscribe to the Speak

Confident English channel.

So you never miss one of my Confident English lessons.

Thank you so much for joining me. And I look forward to seeing you next time.